Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Ardosos;52945811]I've been taking steps to improve my life and organize my environment, but I now realize that my heart was in the wrong place. I spend all my time alone on the computer, all of my short term projects are about improving that experience. I need to change my priorities somehow, otherwise nothing will ever actually get better.[/QUOTE] I know how you feel, there's a lot I'm trying to change but it's hard when I get bouts of depression that makes me feel like I want to give up everything. [editline]4th December 2017[/editline] My therapist tells me that what I'm doing is "amazing" and tells me that I have a lot of discipline to be doing what I do, considering how messed up I get. I guess that's something to go by.

I don't want to self diagnose myself or anything, but I think I'm showing signs of developing schizophrenia. I've had problems with depersonalization the last couple of months and I feel like some of my symptoms are slowly getting worse and while I still feel capable of doing work and things I have a direct motive to do (school work, my internship, etc) I find doing any personal upkeeping so to speak is harder and harder. I don't really know where to even start for help anymore really and I'm tired of wearing a mask of happiness when I'm really not anymore

Had a really bad depressive episode, relapsed after 8 months, and now my arm is all fucked again as a result. I really thought I'd gotten past this. :disappoint:

i just wanna drop dead [editline]5th December 2017[/editline] like it feels pretty clear no one actually likes me or cares about me [editline]5th December 2017[/editline] man i am pathetic, y'know? super pathetic. I can't even die because i'm to scared to. That would be one good thing i do honestly [editline]5th December 2017[/editline] like I wonder if I have any value honestly, not like i can contribute anything.

[QUOTE=Saza;52947372]I don't want to self diagnose myself or anything, but I think I'm showing signs of developing schizophrenia. I've had problems with depersonalization the last couple of months and I feel like some of my symptoms are slowly getting worse and while I still feel capable of doing work and things I have a direct motive to do (school work, my internship, etc) I find doing any personal upkeeping so to speak is harder and harder. I don't really know where to even start for help anymore really and I'm tired of wearing a mask of happiness when I'm really not anymore[/QUOTE] I don't want to diagnose you either, but when my anxiety is bad, I tend to overthink on the mental illness front. I research, see symptoms and notice I have one, boom I have BPD, schizophrenia, etc. I think itd be worth talking to a pro if possible to narrow stuff down. Anyways, my dad has about a week left to live. It's very surreal, being in this state of numbness. I feel almost uncaring in a way? Not sure what to make of it.

[QUOTE=LordyLord;52950295]I don't want to diagnose you either, but when my anxiety is bad, I tend to overthink on the mental illness front. I research, see symptoms and notice I have one, boom I have BPD, schizophrenia, etc. I think itd be worth talking to a pro if possible to narrow stuff down. .[/QUOTE] I definitely want to see a doctor about it. My mom's side of the family has a history (grandmother has DID/some form of multiple personality) and while there are some symptoms I do notice there's also some that I definitely don't show and it's not something I can really determine for myself. The thing is that I don't even know where to seek a doctor for this or what to go to. I understand how you feel about the numbness. I lost a friend to cancer about two weeks ago, and while I'd known for a while, I was really numb and got over it in about an hour. The funeral it self was rough, but beyond that I just felt unable to feel anything. He was the first close person I knew well to die - my dad's dad died when I was real young.

I hate it when it feels like everything I do, from basic homework to even not do anything is a labor. I don't know if it's from low energy or just not giving enough of a fuck but I can't afford to be a slacker when I'm so close to finishing the semester hnnng.

Recently I've been thinking will i ever got a job with only my degree from university, because that's the only thing i got, I've never been extremely active in my university live and have never participate in any kind of activities or joining any kind of organizations, I've never had any working experience in my whole life and honestly this really scares the shit out of me, i'm nearing my last semester after that i would have to take an internship and do my thesis, and even if i graduated in time, i still don't know where i should go, will i ever got a job that is suiting with my degree ? hell even now while trying to look for a place to take my internship i'm really scared that no one will take me because basically i achieve no great feats while i'm still studying, i really hate this feeling, i should have work first for at least one year before entering university, God i feel so damn stupid right now.

it's all so much. i've been surviving and pushing through for so long everything keeps stacking up but it's all just so much. admittedly I tried a bit of a test to try to garner attention. nothing serious, just sort of disappeared from most of the few social medias I use and stayed offline from steam. It's been over a week since I've gone dark and literally only one friend has reached out to message me. I don't have many friends to begin with, but I have a few I thought were close friends, and another few I at least talk to on a semi-regular basis but.. ahaha. besides one friend who just was looking for quick advice and messaged me by chance, nobody has realised I'm gone. literally. I have already been in such a negative and spiraling mindset, and I thought "I'm just being depressive. it isn't actually the case that 'nobody will notice I'm gone', right?" but whoop there it is

I know I'll sound mellow dramatic, but I saw this horror film and it wasn't so much scary as it was disturbing and it my mind's paranoia made it worse. Now I've got this horrible feeling, can't sleep in the fear of having a traumatic nightmare. I guess I'm weak minded, but the thought of certain things happening scares me. I don't know how to discribe the feeling, but this disturbed me to the point of feeling physically sick. :worried: What should I do to get over this? I think, I may have something in my mind that loops or brings me back to negative thoughts like trauma and anger. I think it's the reason things in my mind have a bit of a snowball effect, it's why I overreact to things too. I'm not sure what it is or who I should I call to get help for it. Anyway hope I don't wake up after a horrible nightmare tomorrow

[QUOTE=Catscratch;52951176]it's all so much. i've been surviving and pushing through for so long everything keeps stacking up but it's all just so much. admittedly I tried a bit of a test to try to garner attention. nothing serious, just sort of disappeared from most of the few social medias I use and stayed offline from steam. It's been over a week since I've gone dark and literally only one friend has reached out to message me. I don't have many friends to begin with, but I have a few I thought were close friends, and another few I at least talk to on a semi-regular basis but.. ahaha. besides one friend who just was looking for quick advice and messaged me by chance, nobody has realised I'm gone. literally. I have already been in such a negative and spiraling mindset, and I thought "I'm just being depressive. it isn't actually the case that 'nobody will notice I'm gone', right?" but whoop there it is[/QUOTE] Hold it right there mister, just because people don't keep tabs on you doesn't mean they don't care about you. Besides that, it's very common for people to blip off the internet for periods of time. most people don't get enough attention to not feel lonely. Me too. But if you want to enjoy life you've got to keep moving. Please listen to this song by Lil B, I hope it makes you feel better: [media]https://youtu.be/kqnj60sTXJY[/media]

So I managed to smile a few days ago. Been a while since that last happened. I was playing Elite Beat Agents, trying to get past a difficult stage and failing it for hours. I even made a bet with myself that if I didn't pass it that night I would indulge in a guilty pleasure that would just continue my low mood. But even though there were times I felt like I was getting worse at the game I kept at it and eventually beat the stage (unfortunately not getting the best ending but any excuse to move on by that point) and felt really happy to have won the bet. It's lame but I'm usually terrible at keeping on task even if it is something I enjoy. I replayed this stage in celebration and found it a fitting analogy for overcoming depression. [video=youtube;GPLzYVBIlnU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPLzYVBIlnU[/video] She wants the grey clouds gone for the sake of her son, but they keep coming back. It takes the support of a lot of people to keep the sky from clouding over again and again but eventually they clear away and it's sunny.

Elite Beat Agents is the shit! I really need to play this game again.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52952145]Elite Beat Agents is the shit! I really need to play this game again.[/QUOTE] Canned Heat though, that separates the little girls from the little women. But then you get the Christmas episode and everything feels terrible and then better.

"You're the Inspiration" is definitely one of the best parts of this game. It really reminded me that I need to listen to this song during christmas. Canned Heat is annoying as shit because of how off-sync the song is to the game. Unlike most of the other songs that are in perfect harmony with the gameplay part like The Anthem and Let's Dance!

That feel when you're so mentally ill that you go from fine to almost having a stress induced mental breakdown just by trying to make a burrito

So I didn't have a nightmare, luckily. I did stay awake all night though, felt a little nauseous, had a slight headache before I feel a sleep somewhere between 6am and 7am, then woke up around 10:00 am. Now I'm going to my GP to see why I was nauseous, I still feel a bit bad in the stomach and see if I need a mental health care plan because this film must have triggered something in my mind for me to be this disturbed.

I haven't talked about it in a while; but my Grandfather came home about 10 days ago. You would think this would be a good thing right? Sure doesn't feel like it to me. He originally was going to go to a rehab center for a while since he was recovering and was taking well to the antibiotics. He really didn't like that; so they discharged him. With a catheter and orders to get antibiotics through IV every day. We only received notice of this same day. Needless to say I didn't take it very well and got [b]very[/b] upset. I still haven't recovered from it. Just feels like I've had new responsibilities dumped on me for no particular reason. I haven't felt this awful and defeated since my Dad passed away 10 years back. I actually started having some particularly dark thoughts about making it all stop. Feels like I'm around to take care of him and that's it. It's like I have no control over my own life.

[QUOTE=Zingly;52953156]I haven't talked about it in a while; but my Grandfather came home about 10 days ago. You would think this would be a good thing right? Sure doesn't feel like it to me. He originally was going to go to a rehab center for a while since he was recovering and was taking well to the antibiotics. He really didn't like that; so they discharged him. With a catheter and orders to get antibiotics through IV every day. We only received notice of this same day. Needless to say I didn't take it very well and got [B]very[/B] upset. I still haven't recovered from it. Just feels like I've had new responsibilities dumped on me for no particular reason. I haven't felt this awful and defeated since my Dad passed away 10 years back. I actually started having some particularly dark thoughts about making it all stop. Feels like I'm around to take care of him and that's it. It's like I have no control over my own life.[/QUOTE] What was his reason for not wanting to stay in rehab? Has he been getting the antibiotics every day? If you can't take care of him just come clean to your mother and uncle. You shouldn't be forced to be under that kind of stress especially if it's causing you to become suicidal.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52953190]What was his reason for not wanting to stay in rehab? Has he been getting the antibiotics every day? If you can't take care of him just come clean to your mother and uncle. You shouldn't be forced to be under that kind of stress especially if it's causing you to become suicidal.[/QUOTE] He's been in and out of rehab and nursing facilites so many times that I'm sure he's just really tired of them. My mother is his power of attorney but since he's coherent he gets to make his own decisions about where he goes. I've brought it up to them that I'm pretty desperate to get out of this. Turns out if I can't do it either of them have would have to become his caregiver since he wouldn't want to go somewhere to receive dedicated care. My mother has already had to go through this a few times before (Grandmother passed from MS, Dad passed from brain cancer. Same year even.) so I don't want to force it onto her. My uncle isn't in a very good position either since his wife has been having a rough last year as well (throat cancer, heart issues). Essentially I'm the only one in a 'good' position to take care of him; even if I don't want to. Just bringing it up makes me feel guilty since I'm essentially putting my thoughts ahead of his.

[QUOTE=Zingly;52953241]He's been in and out of rehab and nursing facilites so many times that I'm sure he's just really tired of them. My mother is his power of attorney but since he's coherent he gets to make his own decisions about where he goes. I've brought it up to them that I'm pretty desperate to get out of this. Turns out if I can't do it either of them have would have to become his caregiver since he wouldn't want to go somewhere to receive dedicated care. My mother has already had to go through this a few times before (Grandmother passed from MS, Dad passed from brain cancer. Same year even.) so I don't want to force it onto her. My uncle isn't in a very good position either since his wife has been having a rough last year as well (throat cancer, heart issues). Essentially I'm the only one in a 'good' position to take care of him; even if I don't want to. Just bringing it up makes me feel guilty since I'm essentially putting my thoughts ahead of his.[/QUOTE] Is there any particular reason your mother can't force him into a nursing home? I would be really blunt and explain to your mother that taking care of him is causing you to become severely depressed and that you can't do it anymore.

I feel a bit panic attackish as I'm working through the day, I may have slight OCD which is making it worse. I'm having these paranoid thoughts about reality being a dream and waking up to horrible reality or everyone I don't know is part of a sinister plot and just pretending be normal as crazy as that seems. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but some part my mind is trying make me believe. Has anyone else had an experience panic attacks. [editline]7th December 2017[/editline] I feel a bit panic attackish as I'm working through the day, I may have slight OCD which is making it worse. I'm having these paranoid thoughts about reality being a dream and waking up to horrible reality or everyone I don't know is part of a sinister plot and just pretending be normal as crazy as that seems. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but some part my mind is trying make me believe. Has anyone else had an experience panic attacks? Sharing will make me feel better.

Jesus. That was a nightmare. Car was spewing gas and then caught fire, then I caught fire and it hurt and burned. Then I woke up shaking. Couldn't go back to sleep. At all. Like not even felt tired. SO I only got like 2-3 hours of sleep. Welp. Gotta make money so let's hope I can drive for like...30 minutes.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52953270]Is there any particular reason your mother can't force him into a nursing home? I would be really blunt and explain to your mother that taking care of him is causing you to become severely depressed and that you can't do it anymore.[/QUOTE] Her power of attorney can only go so far. Since he's coherent she legally cannot make decisions for him. He gets the last say in anything that happens to him, including where he wants to go. I may just bring it up anyway. I don't think I'm competent enough to take care of him anymore if this is just going to keep making me spiraling downward. Ugh just typing all of it out makes me feel tired.

I genuinely am starting to wonder if the events of the past year have given me PTSD. The amount of shit I've seen this year that was incredibly stressful, the constant panic attacks, the constant paranoia, the fear going homeless, being stalked, isolation, has pushed me past my limit over and over and over and over on a constant basis since June. I looked up symptoms and shit and there's only one that I'm not positive applies to me. I really really wish I could see a psychologist about this.

any tips on grief or is it as simple as soldiering through the shit? my dad is really weak and sick, he's got a day or two left we think

Do you ever think maybe you're not depressed but you just don't enjoy living? I've tried so many meds over the years and many lifestyle changes as well but nothing works. Nothing flips that switch which turns me into someone that enjoys living. I ask myself what a perfect day for me would be like and I don't even know, there's nothing I really want. Agreeing with human existence isn't a prerequisite to being born. I feel that if someone gave me the "human experience pitch" before being created I would have turned it down.

[QUOTE=LordyLord;52953800]any tips on grief or is it as simple as soldiering through the shit? my dad is really weak and sick, he's got a day or two left we think[/QUOTE] You might be doing this already, but spend as much possible time with him as you can, reassure him that you love him, and get everything you need to off of your chest, if there's one thing I regret about losing my grandparents, it's that I didn't get to spend as much time with them as possible before they passed, and a lot of them didn't even get to hear that I loved and appreciated them, I constantly think about it and wish I had said more, wish I had done more with them in their final moments, and wish I could've told them how I felt. The things left unsaid make the grief a lot worse, you will continue to grieve regardless, but it's just one of those things where time heals the wound, and you can know that he's no longer in pain, and in a better place, being taken care of by your loved ones who have moved on as well. You can also take comfort in knowing that there was nothing left unsaid, and that you spent as much time as you could, said as much as you could, and did as much as you could for him. You helped ease the pain as much as possible, and that's all that could've been asked of you. Hang in there.

Hopefully I don't have nightmares tonight either. If I do I'll post about it.

[QUOTE=LordyLord;52953800]any tips on grief or is it as simple as soldiering through the shit? my dad is really weak and sick, he's got a day or two left we think[/QUOTE] Everybody deals with and expresses grief in different ways. It's not a one size fits all solution, but an important thing is to spend as much time as possible with your father. When my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed on last year, I was wooden for days, barely speaking a word, and as she was being taken away to be cremated, I burst into tears and didn't stop crying until several hours later. All you can do really is think about the good times you've had with them and keep your fondest memories in mind. Talk about these things with the rest of your family and reminisce about what was. It helps to deal with the grief more than you'd think.