Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5
4,919 replies, posted
It's harder to be optimistic about something than it is to be cynical, and there are days when that cynicism creeps up into my head that makes me loathe myself for even going down that route. I guess the easiest way to handle it might be to just accept things as they are and keep going, but I'm starting to find myself more and more burnt out with every bullshit situation I have to deal with.
I mean, I try to cultivate an appreciation for the small things in life, more so when I've been in a better place than many others I know, but feeling like you're going nowhere and often end up being misunderstood or misinterpreted by others can really hurt as the days go on. I've been out of a job for a little over a year now, and I crave to be back at work again, but I can't manage both a job and studying for entrance exams at the same time. I just hope I do well enough on at least one of these two exams I have to write so I can at least move on with my career, but the competition is so insane I may be reduced to buying my way into a college, and that's the last thing I want to do unless I have no other choice. :frown:
i fucked up my entire life by denying my gender for so many years and now I'll never be able to transition
I don't have a reason to keep going, it's just going to be shit forever
[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52964183]i fucked up my entire life by denying my gender for so many years and now I'll never be able to transition
I don't have a reason to keep going, it's just going to be shit forever[/QUOTE]
Something that helps me is noticing how hilariously absurd everything is. All the mistakes I've made that I regret, all the anxieties I have about myself and my future, they're all invented by me. It's sometimes hard to appreciate, especially when in the middle of a depressive period, but they don't really matter. In reality no-one really knows what's going on, there are no objectively dictated ultimate goals in life that we can fail to reach, so we're free to revise what we want to achieve based on what's practical and meaningful to us. If you don't feel like you have a reason to keep going at the moment, you could think about what you'd feel proud of achieving given your current situation. Start with short-term, easier to achieve goals first, which should motivate you to move on to goals that require more dedication later.
Another thing is I suspect that a lot of the time when I'm feeling strongly anxious or regretful, the raw feeling itself is purely biological, but I find and fixate on explanations for it that probably aren't really the reason. Like I'll focus on some mistake I think I've made, or some opportunity that I've missed, and obsess over that, whereas in reality the underlying emotion is probably caused by some problem with my diet, or lack of exercise, or poor sleep, or something else mundane and fixable.
Hey guys, I'm reaching out here because I don't really have anything left to turn to. Things have gone more and more to shit with an increasingly rapid pace and I have now gotten to the point where I just can't bear it anymore. For a long time I have felt like a tense wire put under more and more pressure and ready to snap at any moment. I am now at the point of breaking, but instead of a violent snap it feels like the fibers are releasing and curling up slowly and little by little. I have lost so much and so many, and just as I have started to come to terms with adjusting something new has occurred and left me fucked up even worse. These traumatic events have been occurring one after the other with exponentially increased frequency, and along the way I'm left more and more alone. Some months ago I started feeling that I just need to get away from everything; I fantasized about just leaving everything and wander off into nature somewhere. Lately however these thoughts have turned into not really wanting to live at all, and I have thought more and more about with which method I should kill myself - downing some vodka and just falling asleep naked in the snow seems pathetic enough to suit me.
I realize that I need to get help, but taking that step is really hard for me. Making phone calls and trying to fit appointments into my schedule and all that is just too much; I don't have the energy. I would like to try ECT to get me out of the worst state before continuing with medication (I'd probably start with ssri) but I'm not sure how generous the doctor would be with administering ECT-treatments. I have tried several types of antidepressants before - maxing out the dose before moving on to the next - with barely any effect on my wellbeing. I also know that with ssri:s I'll probably feel worse and get more severe anxiety before getting better, and that's not something I'm looking forward to and I feel like it could push me over the edge and possibly make me go through with attempting suicide. Sooo there's also that putting me off seeking help a bit.
I won't textwall anymore right now, I just wanted to vent a bit and introduce myself to the thread. If anyone feels like they could put up with talking to me a bit you're more than welcome too shoot me a pm or something, I'm incredibly lonely in all this. Thanks for reading, I wish everyone here the best.
Does anyone else here have such severe anxiety that it causes them physical pain? Like, jaw and neck pain and headaches that are so severe that I can't spent more than a half hour at Wal-Mart without feeling like my skull is about to split in half. Even when I'm not out, I'm tired and sore most of the day, and when it's at its worst I feel off balance when I'm standing up.
The crazy thing is, I'm not even really worrying about specific stuff anymore. Not consciously anyway. I spend most of my day just watching tv or playing video games, or browsing Facepunch and other dumb shit. It's like my body has just decided that I'm going to be in pain all day, every day.
My beloved Conure of 8 years died while I was at work today.
The perfect footnote to a miserable year!
[t]https://i.imgur.com/bddYZzK.png[/t]
Picture of my princess from pretty much right after I got her all those years ago
I don't normally post about this but I've had long term anxiety and depression that manifests hard in the winter. I've been off my medication and I'm laying in bed crippled with fear for my future. I have one year left of college and then my life is up in the air. I majored in illustration and I'm pretty damn good at it but I'm so scared I won't find work or get myself out there. On the bright side I won't have any student debt so I'm planning on saving up like a scrooge after college. I'm just so scared guys.
[QUOTE=DinoJesus;52968458]I don't normally post about this but I've had long term anxiety and depression that manifests hard in the winter. I've been off my medication and I'm laying in bed crippled with fear for my future. I have one year left of college and then my life is up in the air. I majored in illustration and I'm pretty damn good at it but I'm so scared I won't find work or get myself out there. On the bright side I won't have any student debt so I'm planning on saving up like a scrooge after college. I'm just so scared guys.[/QUOTE]
You've already pretty much gotten through the hard part, and the element of uncertainty is out of the way by being virtually done with school; so now you can kinda relax a bit, and start moving on with your actual life.
Obviously it won't be easy to immediately jump into work, but once you truly finish school and have that masters at your disposal, you are basically guaranteed to eventually find work in some capacity. Whether it's freelance stuff, or as a part of some company, you will be doing what you love.
The mind can be a dumb thing like that. Right now, given how close you are to the end goal, you should be relaxing a little; but instead your mind is forcing you to stress and worry about what comes [I][B]after[/B][/I] you finish school; when you are literally in school with the sole purpose of gaining the skills to answer that. In your case, this future [B]will[/B] be in illustration.
hey guys dunno why im posting here but i have no one in my life to talk to and I guess im just sick of keeping it to myself. Maybe posting about it will let me feel slightly less encumbered.
I've basically lost everything because I suffer from depression. I had a wonderful girlfriend, two best friends on Steam that I knew for years and did so much with, a nice apartment, and a wonderful job. The only thing I still have is one of those friends and a wonderful job. Because of my depression I pushed away the person I love and eventually she found someone else and left me. By now she's cut me out entirely, and hasn't talked to me in months at all. No response to emails or anything. I tried to tell her happy birthday and got nothing. I spent 6 or so years with her. I can't stop missing her.
I talked to my online friend alot about my depression. I think I dragged him down a bit and brought him into a spiral. He killed himself earlier this year. I claim this as largely my fault. I could have stopped him but did not do everything I could have done. Yes, I know it's a cliche. But I also really know what happened and what could have happened, and I didn't do what I could, not to mention starting him on that spiral.
The two most important people in my life are gone because of me. And now, I live alone trying to get by and trying to date. I hate dating. But I need a companion. I don't know what it is about me, but I've always needed a partner. The rest of life feels largely meaningless without someone to share it with. I don't even entirely think it's a "I'm not content with myself" type of thing. I'm pretty okay with myself, and im okay being with myself, but I also hate not having someone to share things with. Not having someone to cuddle, or to sleep with, or to go out with. It's very depressing for me. And I can't stop thinking about her, I can't let go, and I can't replace her. I feel like maybe dating someone else will truly make me believe I can move on without her, but I can't even date anyone else. I've been trying online dating for a year with minimal luck. The only women I've met are ones I had little to no excitement about. I've only met with 3 people.
Before, I was depressed and suicidal. I didn't have a reason for any of it besides chemicals in my brain being wonky, and I refused to do anything about it. Now I'm doing something about it, but I actually have no reason to live. I hate the world I live in now, and frequently go back to thinking about suicide. I push it out, I don't consider it an option, but I've realized the difference between before, when it was just depression, and now, where I literally have every reason to do it and little reason not to. It's quite a stark contrast.
Therapy isn't helping. Like, at all. It's just kind of kept me afloat for a bit. I've had some good weeks but I always fall down again. At this point I can't make it a full week without getting fully depressed and losing all of my energy. I miss my friend, I miss my girlfriend, and every night I'm kept awake by the thoughts of her life with someone else - she's living with him - and I often dream about her. I can't move on, I can't find anyone else, and I can't get her back, so what's the point? I have no goals. And no goals mean anything to me. I've just been working on improving myself and learning new things, cooking, playing guitar, stuff like that, but it's all just super meaningless to me and I feel no better about myself or anything.
I dunno what to do I guess. I mean, I'm not going to kill myself. I took that option off the table a long time ago. But god I really wish I didn't have to live in this world. Life is shitty, and I'm shitty at it. 2017 has been the single worst year of my life and 2018 can only either be neutral or worse. I'm also starting to hate holidays for how lonely and shitty they are for me. Everyone around me is just joyous with their families and significant others, and my work throws holiday parties that I just can't attend because of my anxiety. I physically can't stand being there. I've tried, and I always have to leave early. I can't enjoy social interaction like normal human beings do and I hate that. If I could, maybe I could actually be meeting people and getting out there. I feel like I'm going to end up growing into a lonely, crotchety old man who hates everyone and everything around him. Feels like I'm already halfway there.
Okay, that's enough of a wall of text. I'm gonna stop now. I don't really feel much better anyway.
[QUOTE=riku2211;52968498]hey guys dunno why im posting here but i have no one in my life to talk to and I guess im just sick of keeping it to myself. Maybe posting about it will let me feel slightly less encumbered.
I've basically lost everything because I suffer from depression. I had a wonderful girlfriend, two best friends on Steam that I knew for years and did so much with, a nice apartment, and a wonderful job. The only thing I still have is one of those friends and a wonderful job. Because of my depression I pushed away the person I love and eventually she found someone else and left me. By now she's cut me out entirely, and hasn't talked to me in months at all. No response to emails or anything. I tried to tell her happy birthday and got nothing. I spent 6 or so years with her. I can't stop missing her.
I talked to my online friend alot about my depression. I think I dragged him down a bit and brought him into a spiral. He killed himself earlier this year. I claim this as largely my fault. I could have stopped him but did not do everything I could have done. Yes, I know it's a cliche. But I also really know what happened and what could have happened, and I didn't do what I could, not to mention starting him on that spiral.
The two most important people in my life are gone because of me. And now, I live alone trying to get by and trying to date. I hate dating. But I need a companion. I don't know what it is about me, but I've always needed a partner. The rest of life feels largely meaningless without someone to share it with. I don't even entirely think it's a "I'm not content with myself" type of thing. I'm pretty okay with myself, and im okay being with myself, but I also hate not having someone to share things with. Not having someone to cuddle, or to sleep with, or to go out with. It's very depressing for me. And I can't stop thinking about her, I can't let go, and I can't replace her. I feel like maybe dating someone else will truly make me believe I can move on without her, but I can't even date anyone else. I've been trying online dating for a year with minimal luck. The only women I've met are ones I had little to no excitement about. I've only met with 3 people.
Before, I was depressed and suicidal. I didn't have a reason for any of it besides chemicals in my brain being wonky, and I refused to do anything about it. Now I'm doing something about it, but I actually have no reason to live. I hate the world I live in now, and frequently go back to thinking about suicide. I push it out, I don't consider it an option, but I've realized the difference between before, when it was just depression, and now, where I literally have every reason to do it and little reason not to. It's quite a stark contrast.
Therapy isn't helping. Like, at all. It's just kind of kept me afloat for a bit. I've had some good weeks but I always fall down again. At this point I can't make it a full week without getting fully depressed and losing all of my energy. I miss my friend, I miss my girlfriend, and every night I'm kept awake by the thoughts of her life with someone else - she's living with him - and I often dream about her. I can't move on, I can't find anyone else, and I can't get her back, so what's the point? I have no goals. And no goals mean anything to me. I've just been working on improving myself and learning new things, cooking, playing guitar, stuff like that, but it's all just super meaningless to me and I feel no better about myself or anything.
I dunno what to do I guess. I mean, I'm not going to kill myself. I took that option off the table a long time ago. But god I really wish I didn't have to live in this world. Life is shitty, and I'm shitty at it. 2017 has been the single worst year of my life and 2018 can only either be neutral or worse. I'm also starting to hate holidays for how lonely and shitty they are for me. Everyone around me is just joyous with their families and significant others, and my work throws holiday parties that I just can't attend because of my anxiety. I physically can't stand being there. I've tried, and I always have to leave early. I can't enjoy social interaction like normal human beings do and I hate that. If I could, maybe I could actually be meeting people and getting out there. I feel like I'm going to end up growing into a lonely, crotchety old man who hates everyone and everything around him. Feels like I'm already halfway there.
Okay, that's enough of a wall of text. I'm gonna stop now. I don't really feel much better anyway.[/QUOTE]
You talk a lot about the past, and these seem to be the main things that are causing the depression in your case. What are your interests? If I were you, and I know it may seem hard to do, but whenever these things resurface and start to bring you down; just turn to one of those hobbies.
In my case, I've been pretty miserable for as long as I can remember, and over time I've slowly formed myself [I]around[/I] it, rather than try to beat it. Although I'm still unhappy deep down, it's a different type of unhappiness than it used to be. Where it once used to drain me of all my energy, it knows acts as a sort of motivator. I mention all this because; when things get really bad for me, I always end up turning to one of my hobbies and although I don't even have fun with them, they absorb a lot of the feelings.
In one case I spent like 5hrs in a row one night, just painting endlessly, and ended up nearly completing it before I felt a bit better and went to sleep.
In another case, I ended up playing Rock Band for a few hours, and although I was absolutely miserable while playing it, I didn't stop until I felt a bit better.
In each of those cases I ended up better off than I was before I had performed them.
It also sounds like you have two good things going on.
You still have at least one friend you can rely on to help you out; as well as a job that you personally refer to as "wonderful".
In the case of the friend, that alone is great. I wouldn't recommend pouring your feelings out to them [I]every[/I] time you feel down, that's what those hobbies I mentioned are for, but at least you have them there to reassure you when things get [B]really[/B] tough.
In the case of the job, I'd imagine there are a few things that make it wonderful; but why not add more? It sounds like they make an effort to get you to come to the parties, but you don't have fun because you lack any connections. Have you tried making friends with any of your coworkers? Even one person would make a huge difference as far as your comfort level goes. That one person could then potentially introduce you to others, who then introduce you to others, and so on. It may seem intimidating, but the social aspect would come naturally with time.
Small update on my bulimia, once it became an impulse to purge after almost every meal I realized it's developing into a problem and i went straight to my doctor. Now I have an appointment set up with a therapist in January. I can't believe it took that short amount of time to set up when I didn't go private, probably because bulimia is a relatively serious eating disorder and they don't actually need to do any tests to verify that I have it, so treatment can start immediately.
I'm stoked about it, and I hope I'll be able to continue my weight loss in a more healthy way. I really hope my mom doesn't question the speediness of me getting a therapist though. I'm not really ready to tell her or anyone in my family that I'm bulimic, but I need her to sign papers to verify her as my next of kin, since I'm getting a therapist. It'll kill her to know that I'm purging, and I don't want that for her when I know that I can get through it with professional help
[QUOTE=Wafflemonstr;52968518]You talk a lot about the past, and these seem to be the main things that are causing the depression in your case. What are your interests? If I were you, and I know it may seem hard to do, but whenever these things resurface and start to bring you down; just turn to one of those hobbies.
In my case, I've been pretty miserable for as long as I can remember, and over time I've slowly formed myself [I]around[/I] it, rather than try to beat it. Although I'm still unhappy deep down, it's a different type of unhappiness than it used to be. Where it once used to drain me of all my energy, it knows acts as a sort of motivator. I mention all this because; when things get really bad for me, I always end up turning to one of my hobbies and although I don't even have fun with them, they absorb a lot of the feelings.
In one case I spent like 5hrs in a row one night, just painting endlessly, and ended up nearly completing it before I felt a bit better and went to sleep.
In another case, I ended up playing Rock Band for a few hours, and although I was absolutely miserable while playing it, I didn't stop until I felt a bit better.
In each of those cases I ended up better off than I was before I had performed them.
It also sounds like you have two good things going on.
You still have at least one friend you can rely on to help you out; as well as a job that you personally refer to as "wonderful".
In the case of the friend, that alone is great. I wouldn't recommend pouring your feelings out to them [I]every[/I] time you feel down, that's what those hobbies I mentioned are for, but at least you have them there to reassure you when things get [B]really[/B] tough.
In the case of the job, I'd imagine there are a few things that make it wonderful; but why not add more? It sounds like they make an effort to get you to come to the parties, but you don't have fun because you lack any connections. Have you tried making friends with any of your coworkers? Even one person would make a huge difference as far as your comfort level goes. That one person could then potentially introduce you to others, who then introduce you to others, and so on. It may seem intimidating, but the social aspect would come naturally with time.[/QUOTE]
I dont have many hobbies. I game, I watch Youtube videos, and I watch some TV shows. I try to focus in on these things when I feel my worst, but usually I feel so shitty that doing any of those things sounds mindnumbingly boring or I just don't want to. Sometimes I'll do it anyway and it somehow still doesn't help. I can play a game I love for hours and come out of it still feeling like shit.
And, unfortunately, this friend isn't much of a talker. He and I were both friends with the one who passed away, we were kind of a trio for years. But, this friend and I don't talk about much personal stuff, and when we do it's clear he's uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say. I think it's just not something he's good at.
Playing games with him is good though, and can sometimes lift me up, but for instance earlier tonight we play Monster Hunter for like an hour and I didn't feel any better throughout or after.
My job is wonderful, and I am friends with most of my co-workers. We talk and joke around alot and we've all hung out outside of work. But as soon as everyone's standing around talking and just being natural and drinking and having fun I start to kind of freak out. I've tried to join in and I felt horrible and almost alien, only once have I managed to be part of a conversation and I was awkward and it felt stunted. It feels like I'm not even a human being. It kills me knowing I can't interact with other people the way a normal person does. I don't know what's wrong with me. The other half of that is realizing that, if she were there with me, I would thrive. We'd both be having fun. Then I just get depressed for too many reasons. That's why I've opted this time to just not even try for the Christmas party. I'm going to go home as soon as possible and just be sad on my own.
I've tried to form myself around my sadness as a way to cope and for a while it worked, but the thing about that is that it also is what ruined my relationship. And eventually, that entire thing cracked, I fell apart, and start picking the pieces up from scratch. That's when I started seeking therapy. I don't think I want to go that route again. I like the normal me better than the sad me. But at the same time I'm in a constant struggle with it, and it physically hurts.
[QUOTE=Funion;52963635]Can anyone here on antidepressants tell me how well they work?
I'm really stubborn and my life has been falling apart these last 6 years but now I'm finally going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday.
I know talking won't help and I'm hoping that medication can at least get me out of bed in the morning[/QUOTE]
For me, I didn't notice anything for a while. There was a weekend where I didn't have them when I was on a trip, and I could definitely feel my mood grow generally darker by the third day.
If I could describe it, it doesn't stop you from feeling depressed, but it keeps you from lingering on it.
[QUOTE=riku2211;52968635]I dont have many hobbies. I game, I watch Youtube videos, and I watch some TV shows. I try to focus in on these things when I feel my worst, but usually I feel so shitty that doing any of those things sounds mindnumbingly boring or I just don't want to. Sometimes I'll do it anyway and it somehow still doesn't help. I can play a game I love for hours and come out of it still feeling like shit.
And, unfortunately, this friend isn't much of a talker. He and I were both friends with the one who passed away, we were kind of a trio for years. But, this friend and I don't talk about much personal stuff, and when we do it's clear he's uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say. I think it's just not something he's good at.
Playing games with him is good though, and can sometimes lift me up, but for instance earlier tonight we play Monster Hunter for like an hour and I didn't feel any better throughout or after.
My job is wonderful, and I am friends with most of my co-workers. We talk and joke around alot and we've all hung out outside of work. But as soon as everyone's standing around talking and just being natural and drinking and having fun I start to kind of freak out. I've tried to join in and I felt horrible and almost alien, only once have I managed to be part of a conversation and I was awkward and it felt stunted. It feels like I'm not even a human being. It kills me knowing I can't interact with other people the way a normal person does. I don't know what's wrong with me. The other half of that is realizing that, if she were there with me, I would thrive. We'd both be having fun. Then I just get depressed for too many reasons. That's why I've opted this time to just not even try for the Christmas party. I'm going to go home as soon as possible and just be sad on my own.
I've tried to form myself around my sadness as a way to cope and for a while it worked, but the thing about that is that it also is what ruined my relationship. And eventually, that entire thing cracked, I fell apart, and start picking the pieces up from scratch. That's when I started seeking therapy. I don't think I want to go that route again. I like the normal me better than the sad me. But at the same time I'm in a constant struggle with it, and it physically hurts.[/QUOTE]
I've personally grown away from games for the most part, and only really enjoy them in rare cases. Still, I play them pretty frequently because they chill me out in many cases. Play something that takes a lot of the stress away from the player, such as Grand Strategy games, atmospheric games like Firewatch, and stuff like that. Even if you don't enjoy them, I guarantee that they will calm you down as long as you continue playing them, instead of getting bored and stopping.
Also, It's a shame that your friend doesn't talk much, but maybe they're in the same boat as you? Try getting [I]them[/I] to open up first, and then start to slowly introduce your feelings as well; because chances are, they are experiencing something similar if they are hesitant to talk about it. See if there are any funny two player games you can play with them, such as ones that are bug-ridden, or are just kinda dumb to begin with. Everyone laughs, even when unhappy, and laughing is an immediate pain reliever.
This Christmas, try to get there earlier than most people, that way the other early arrivals will be likely to come to you to talk, and then you won't have to try to interject in a conversation. If that doesn't work, just try to join in when they mention something funny that has also happened to you(don't interrupt, just wait til they pause to take a breath or something), and go from there. I used to suck at talking to pretty much everyone, but now I'm pretty good at it. You just learn as you go.
Also, when I mention forming myself around sadness, I'm not talking about walking around miserable all the time, and shunning myself from others(although I've sorta done that before); what I mean is, try to look at the bright side of it. Sadness and whatnot is all there for a biological reason, some people just experience it more intensely, or often, than others. Like I said, when I am [B]really[/B] miserable, I am extremely productive, if only temporarily. So try to pick up a new hobby, such as painting, and then just pick a picture or something, and do your best to replicate it onto a canvas. Even if you feel you aren't any good, the act of painting is very therapeutic.
man fuck
like two weeks ago for some inexplicable reason I managed to feel top of the world like all my mental issues had just drained away
that feeling slowly deflated for like a week and now I'm back to an apathetic anxiety and pseudo-suicidal nothingness and it feels pretty awful knowing how good everything felt literally two weeks ago
on the upside, not only have I finally started both but I have just one more thing to do on my uni application and one more thing to do to get the ball rolling on that stupid SLC debt because of how much I got done
on the downside, there's a frighteningly high chance I won't get to either of them and will be back to square one because lol
I finally have an appointment to go get anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I've been trying to for weeks but I don't have cell service to call with so I had to wait until my parents were home one day at a decent hour to make the call.
I'm gonna try to get on prozac because it's worked for me in the past. All my past attempts to get on anti-depressants have failed because my parents just didn't pick up new prescriptions but my older siblings told me they'll make sure I can get to the pharmacy to get them so I don't have to worry and can actually stay treated. I'm actually excited
I slept 23 hours today.
Fuck you winter.
Times are bad for me. Very bad. I don't smile as much anymore or crack jokes and people have noticed. I keep the details quiet because it involves other people rather than some sort of abstract feeling. I'm safe but that ache inside me is constant. I spend a lot more time than I'd like looking off into space. Bad times, man.
I don't have anything optimistic to end this on. If you're miserable and hurting just keep fighting through it. Keep walking. You'll be fine. Nothing lasts forever. Keep moving through it. If you're thinking about hurting yourself or you're angry just post about it here and get it out.
[QUOTE=The cheese;52971040]I slept 23 hours today.
Fuck you winter.[/QUOTE]
Hopefully your life will improve now that you've discovered you're part polar bear.
what's it called when you just don't ever feel like you're fully awake?
for me it's not a conscious feeling like my mind is separate from my body or something, it's just that I have so little energy that I just in a way don't ever feel like I'm actually alive
it's also almost like my mind is running at a refresh rate of once every 2 seconds or so
I'm so fucking lonely.
I've got no friends and no way to get any friends for the holidays. Let alone a girl.
Also i've convinced myself that nobody cares. Because they don't.
I literally wrote "WILL WORK FOR LOVE" on a pizza box and sat outside a gym for a few hours drunk one day, and not a single person looked at the sign. Not a single one. But fuck it my problems don't matter and nobody cares, so why don't I just sit in a dark room for the rest of my life hoping someone will come along to fucking save me.
I loathe the way I look, act, and sound.
I loathe myself in a way that I feel needful for.
God I suck.
Had a pretty bad disassociation today. Bent over to wash my hands in the sink and it was five minutes later and I was still doing it and my hands had gone numb. Started muttering swearwords out loud and fell over and nearly hit my head on the bath. Not sure what's gone on.
[QUOTE=Samson0722;52975413]I'm so fucking lonely.
I've got no friends and no way to get any friends for the holidays. Let alone a girl.
Also i've convinced myself that nobody cares. Because they don't.
I literally wrote "WILL WORK FOR LOVE" on a pizza box and sat outside a gym for a few hours drunk one day, and not a single person looked at the sign. Not a single one. But fuck it my problems don't matter and nobody cares, so why don't I just sit in a dark room for the rest of my life hoping someone will come along to fucking save me.
I loathe the way I look, act, and sound.
I loathe myself in a way that I feel needful for.
God I suck.[/QUOTE]
You don't suck man, odds are its just unfortunate circumstances.
You mention not having a girl, don't worry about that, it's really not all that, especially if you don't feel good about yourself - frankly its torture, you'll be unhappy, feel trapped, feel insecure, depression lowers sex drive, insecurity leads to jealousy etc. Better to focus on yourself and friends before focusing on getting in a romantic thing.
For the friend problem I'm not sure what advice there is but to try and meet new people or reconnect with old friends. Don't let bad experiences like the pizza box thing cloud your view, people are good and bad, selfish and generous, some groups/people are welcoming some are closed and cliquey. Just gotta keep trying, maybe ask around for tips on where to meet people, some activities like jogging, walks, cycling, quiz teams etc. A good one is the gym, meet people, raise self esteem, get healthy, release dopamine and work toward goals.
The worst thing you can do is to let past experiences taint your present and future opportunities. That feeling you have, of being worthless, feeling that is far worse for you than historic events. I really hope you can over come this buddy
Does anyone do this weird thing where they build up movies, games and so on in their heads as being a special experience that everything has to be 'just right for', so they end up not doing anything most days?
Like, I have this compulsion to make everything just right. Gotta be a special thing, gotta be at night, quiet, clean glasses, gotta have this and that, some things have to be at the right time of year, all these weird circumstances that don't need to exist that I build in my head. Ends up with me playing new games very rarely and watching a movie or show maybe once every few weeks. Meanwhile my stepdad is so casual about entertainment he literally just walks off to make food in the middle of a show and doesn't even bother to pause it.
It's weird because it's not like these things are so important or special. Like yeah, Terminator 2 is a landmark film, but it's still just a damn movie. Why I gotta stress myself about shit like this that don't matter? Specifically with games I tend to play exactly one at a time and do a 'playthrough', I.E. beating the whole thing in a short amount of time without playing any other games, and if I get bored and stop for a long while then I tend to just start over when I get back. I think that one got ingrained from playing games that are way too fucking long like Skyrim and always wanting to do [I]the[/I] playthrough I finally beat the game with.
I don't know how or why they started, but as of recently i've been having panic attacks during my taekwondo classes. I've had 4 over the past 2 weeks with no real cause, and i don't know how to deal with them properly. Every time i go to another class, i'm anxious that i'll freak out again and make a fool of myself.
[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52975590]Does anyone do this weird thing where they build up movies, games and so on in their heads as being a special experience that everything has to be 'just right for', so they end up not doing anything most days?
Like, I have this compulsion to make everything just right. Gotta be a special thing, gotta be at night, quiet, clean glasses, gotta have this and that, some things have to be at the right time of year, all these weird circumstances that don't need to exist that I build in my head. Ends up with me playing new games very rarely and watching a movie or show maybe once every few weeks. Meanwhile my stepdad is so casual about entertainment he literally just walks off to make food in the middle of a show and doesn't even bother to pause it.
It's weird because it's not like these things are so important or special. Like yeah, Terminator 2 is a landmark film, but it's still just a damn movie. Why I gotta stress myself about shit like this that don't matter? Specifically with games I tend to play exactly one at a time and do a 'playthrough', I.E. beating the whole thing in a short amount of time without playing any other games, and if I get bored and stop for a long while then I tend to just start over when I get back. I think that one got ingrained from playing games that are way too fucking long like Skyrim and always wanting to do [I]the[/I] playthrough I finally beat the game with.[/QUOTE]
I do the same thing. It bit me hard one time. I guess my best advice is once you get the ball rolling, it's easier to keep it going even if things aren't at what you'd otherwise feel are 'the right time'. If you know you have 2 hours to spare, just go for it. And if you have a hard time picking what to play (I have around 100 games on my to-play list), it probably means any choice is equally as good so flip a coin, make a roulette online, or find some way of picking at random.
Not that I'm too surprised considering the situation as a whole, but now I'm 23 and 90% certain that I get to deal with another divorce of parents. Yippee.
Long story short:
Dad's wife is an absolute doormat to her 12yr old daughter (I'll call her Satan), bending over, breaking her spine just to please her every single second of every single day. Satan would threaten everyone, dogs included, with shouting and violence towards them, but her mother would just enable and reward it all the time. She would even shout at her two other kids and blame them for Satan's misbehavior, after Satan had already cussed them out and threatened to kill them for no reason other than the fact that she didn't like them coexisting in the same house as her and needs to control everyone.
So now our dogs both have anxiety issues that get triggered every time Satan wants something, because she'll go around shouting at her mother, her brother, my dad just because she isn't getting instant gratification. And once my dad and I leave, I have no clue what will happen with my two lovely dogs, since there will be two less people to actually take care of them and treat them right, and comfort them during thunderstorms, smoke detectors, strong winds, people shooting off fireworks, and Satan screaming through the house.
The mother/wife didn't even want the dogs in the first place, and usually complains about how much the dogs love her, despite the rotten person she can be towards her kids and my dad.
And I was just about to finally start the next phase of my life; transferring to university, I finally figured out what I want to major in, but now I have to move to a different town, further from the campus and live with my grandmother and hope I can get to/from class 5 days a week without a license or car of my own. I'll even see one of her kids on campus, which will just be weird. Probably gonna get fucked around with financial aid, too, having to change so much paperwork. And most importantly, I get to, once again, lose a group of wonderful friends I was making here after a year of struggling to open up to people in the first place.
citalopram update: after roughly a month I'm a lot more levelled out. I don't feel like killing myself, and I am as functional at work as I used to be (perhaps somewhat more so). thing is, I think it might have dampened my good emotions as well. I feel bad because my colleague made me a little knitted flower pin, so fucking lovely of her, but I didn't really feel a thing... but it was necessary to get me back on track. I'm still going to keep taking it, probably for six months, and then reevaluate whether I need to be on it. oh well. pretty much anything's better than crying and shaking endlessly and being unable to sleep.
I think it's helped me make a lot of progress in relaxing the need to answer my OCD-like terror thought processes. I felt quite normal and relaxed for a few moments today, even got into the music I was listening to briefly.
hope you folks are doin okay!!
I'm starting to think it's a problem that I've simply bottled up so much rage, over several years, without ever really getting it out of my system
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5
