Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I've been in San Antonio for about two months now and haven't gotten anywhere. To be honest, I don't know if I can last very much longer... I'm not saying this for people to think bad about me or anything... I don't even know anymore... I just want to get better... But I know it's a bitch for me.

I went to the doctors last week, and had some counseling in school, I'm getting a therapist. The doctor brought up depression being possible due to what I described (not being able to get out of bed, tiredness, extreme highs and lows, not being able to grasp the simplest concepts at times. "not being there", forgetting what people just said 5 seconds ago) This all is due to my early life if I think about it, which I won't even get into now, because I can't handle it right now, although always on my mind. And I really started noticing it this when I tried doing my homework this week, it wrecks me that at times I know that I can do this essay in a fingers snap because I've done it before, but then it suddenly takes me three hours to even being able to remember information that I JUST read. I almost had a breakdown nearly every day this week because of this. It's so hard for me to know I can do it, but I'm not able to because of the overwhelming feeling of my brain literally stopping, I have all these hobbies and interests that I just "can't" stick to without wanting to lay down in my bed, I'd probably be working my dream job now if I was able to just go through with studying. The more I read this thread the more concrete this feeling of depression actually becomes. Come to think about it, I've been feeling like this for years now, maybe even four, maybe even longer, I literally can't remember my entire life is a blur until I get those very detailed flashbacks of bad things, but some good ones too. My life isn't bad now, I have friends, am somehow popular at parties with girls, have really no trouble other than in my head, its my last chance at repeating this grade too, after that the only alternative is getting my German "High School" diploma is through work or something like that, it really fucks with me. [editline]16th December 2017[/editline] This week I started forcing myself to do my homework by just sitting there and trying to catch myself where I get into meaningless thought loops over the task while I allow myself to breakdown over not being able to remember and understand, until that feeling just subsides and I'm able to. I still can't remember well but it's gotten better for some reason. But that just [I]takes too long[/I] if I'm going to do this for the rest of school you know.

Twice now today, that I've been told to "lighten up" because it's Christmas :rolleyes: Sure, just let me tell my chronic depression and anxiety to fuck off until January 1st, [I]at least.[/I] :downs:

Coming apart at the seams again. [editline]16th December 2017[/editline] Wanna just put my foot through the fucking TV and scream at it all again. [editline]16th December 2017[/editline] Letting the world tear me apart, chunk by chunk, like the angry little spod I am.

Oh cool, my grandma forgot who me and my mom are for about 5 minutes today and then babbled incoherently for another 5. Sounds like a sign of things to come, great, I guess my grandma has dementia now.

Hmm. Intentionally OD'd two nights ago, hospitalized. The Outpouring of support from friends has been insane. We got this fam.

Fuck me, I'm going mad.

Anyone else here who has problems with being entertained by entertainment? I've grown this really bitter view on it where all I can think of when I consume entertainment is that the primary goal behind it is for the creators to earn money. I don't get immersed in the content anymore and all I really see is this fake, made up world. Be it movies, shows, youtube personalities or games. I can't remember the last time I laughed or felt excited by any of it. It's kind of a bummer. When I have my good periods I usually have no problem with dedicating time to chores and things I want to learn but I can't do stuff like that 24/7. I need to unwind, have some time to just sit down and relax. Laugh at some dumb stuff or get excited by something cool. It almost feels like I'm incapable of that now. I'll go on youtube, look for some dumb fun and see all the people commenting on how fun it was to watch. I don't understand it at all. I'm rarely ever able to finish a single video before I'm bored to death and want to do something else. The things I am able to watch is stuff related to science, reviews or generally content that has facts behind it. That too though gets a little tiring to watch sometimes since it requires some mental participation to understand whats being said. Maybe it's because I realize that entertainment isn't really meaningful. It literally exists as a way to waste time when you don't have anything else to do. Seeing it like that makes it hard to sit down to willingly throw away my finite amount of time. Which is a shame since I want to be able to relax for a little bit and not worry about if I'm being productive or not.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52975537]You don't suck man, odds are its just unfortunate circumstances. You mention not having a girl, don't worry about that, it's really not all that, especially if you don't feel good about yourself - frankly its torture, you'll be unhappy, feel trapped, feel insecure, depression lowers sex drive, insecurity leads to jealousy etc. Better to focus on yourself and friends before focusing on getting in a romantic thing. For the friend problem I'm not sure what advice there is but to try and meet new people or reconnect with old friends. Don't let bad experiences like the pizza box thing cloud your view, people are good and bad, selfish and generous, some groups/people are welcoming some are closed and cliquey. Just gotta keep trying, maybe ask around for tips on where to meet people, some activities like jogging, walks, cycling, quiz teams etc. A good one is the gym, meet people, raise self esteem, get healthy, release dopamine and work toward goals. The worst thing you can do is to let past experiences taint your present and future opportunities. That feeling you have, of being worthless, feeling that is far worse for you than historic events. I really hope you can over come this buddy[/QUOTE] I just feel like nobody cares, because there are tons of people worse off than me, people with actual depression, people going through grief and tragedy, and people who have mental illness, why should anybody care about one fucking lonely skinny white boy why the hell should he get any concern. Like nobody right now I feel truly cares, friends that are surface level, family who are just concerned with my success, nobody who really gives any shit. I mean as an anonymous person online, it's easy to sympathize with the right text, but how do you sympathize with someone with a shitty/nonexistant personality who isn't good at expressing their own feelings without fearing repercussions. I feel like all the love in my life is artificial and easily replaced, nobody who truly cares for me as a friend or loved one. I fucking loathe artificiality, absolutely fucking despise it, yet I feel like i'm being artificial in anxious and reserved ways. God why does winter always bring the shitty times?

[QUOTE=Samson0722;52984363]Like nobody right now I feel truly cares, friends that are surface level, family who are just concerned with my success, nobody who really gives any shit. I mean as an anonymous person online, it's easy to sympathize with the right text, but how do you sympathize with someone with a shitty/nonexistant personality who isn't good at expressing their own feelings without fearing repercussions. I feel like all the love in my life is artificial and easily replaced, nobody who truly cares for me as a friend or loved one. I fucking loathe artificiality, absolutely fucking despise it, yet I feel like i'm being artificial in anxious and reserved ways.[/QUOTE] I feel you. You're not alone in this. It doesn't matter if other people have it worse off, you have your own world to live in and your own troubles to bear. So don't feel guilty about reaching out even if you haven't tried killing yourself, even if you don't have severe depression, grief or anxiety. It's still pain and it doesn't make your life easier. And you're sort of right. The amount of people who care is so small compared to the amount of people in general that it does feel like nobody cares. First of all you have to care yourself, which is the hardest part, I think. In my personal experience, a lot of the artificiality was, and still is, driven by fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of ending up alone, fear of not being liked. It's hard to look at oneself from a third perspective, but I've found that a lot of the things I held as not my responsibilities, blaming others for their shortcomings and so on, were actually things I could improve on my own side - being overly attached, not caring about others while expecting love and compassion, putting responsibility of my own emotional state of being on someone else's shoulders... It was plain selfish of me. So I try to be a better person at the end of the day so at least I could say I wasn't a burden to them, at least I wasn't a pain. Though one thing plagues my mind a lot - does anyone else find it hard to live in a larger perspective than the 24 hours around you? To see the bigger picture? Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in the present, without the ability to think forward and the future seems like a blurry darkness with no clear goals or plan or anything. Or is it just a thing that will pass?

[QUOTE=RapistSanta;52984485]I feel you. You're not alone in this. It doesn't matter if other people have it worse off, you have your own world to live in and your own troubles to bear. So don't feel guilty about reaching out even if you haven't tried killing yourself, even if you don't have severe depression, grief or anxiety. It's still pain and it doesn't make your life easier. And you're sort of right. The amount of people who care is so small compared to the amount of people in general that it does feel like nobody cares. First of all you have to care yourself, which is the hardest part, I think. In my personal experience, a lot of the artificiality was, and still is, driven by fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of ending up alone, fear of not being liked. It's hard to look at oneself from a third perspective, but I've found that a lot of the things I held as not my responsibilities, blaming others for their shortcomings and so on, were actually things I could improve on my own side - being overly attached, not caring about others while expecting love and compassion, putting responsibility of my own emotional state of being on someone else's shoulders... It was plain selfish of me. So I try to be a better person at the end of the day so at least I could say I wasn't a burden to them, at least I wasn't a pain. Though one thing plagues my mind a lot - does anyone else find it hard to live in a larger perspective than the 24 hours around you? To see the bigger picture? Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in the present, without the ability to think forward and the future seems like a blurry darkness with no clear goals or plan or anything. Or is it just a thing that will pass?[/QUOTE] Seeing the bigger picture needs one to have a lot of optimism and hope, combined with planning ahead. But, hope is a two edged sword despite being the most powerful thing we have at our disposals: it can either keep you going when you have little or nothing left except hope alone, or it can throw you against a brick wall until you die unfulfilled and unloved. Basically what you're doing here is putting your situation in perspective: You may be going through, say, a rough time, when every other day seems to bring in a new problem to add to an already crushing burden. But at the same time you may be not so badly off compared to the homeless guy who lost everything in a fire and is suffering from an incurable illness to boot. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table thrice a day, and an internet connection to talk to folks with, you're already better off than many unfortunates in this world. As for thinking ahead into the future: there are no real secrets. You have to decide where you want to be, when you want to get there, and how you're going to walk the road leading to that destination, and most importantly, how badly you want it, and exactly how much effort you're going to put in to realize that. Because yeah, you're the one as has to do the walking, nobody's going to carry you, or push you there in a wheelchair, or find a Segway for you to ride on, to get there. Right now, personally speaking, I've more or less gotten to where I'm approximately supposed to be, but it's taking some time for me to qualify with a high enough grade on my entrance tests to get the course(s) I want. The results for one of these tests should be out tomorrow, but I still have to wait another 3 months for the counselling sessions to see what my grade will get me. So for now I just have to live day to day studying some more until I get what I want. Often it takes multiple attempts just to qualify for any kind of course at all. But I reiterate that you're going to have to find the motivation from somewhere, even if all it is, is doing so so that you don't end up as just another loser in a dead end job. The best things in life never come easy, and the only secret there is, is to just stand up eight times if you get knocked down seven.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;52984363]I just feel like nobody cares, because there are tons of people worse off than me, people with actual depression, people going through grief and tragedy, and people who have mental illness, why should anybody care about one fucking lonely skinny white boy why the hell should he get any concern. Like nobody right now I feel truly cares, friends that are surface level, family who are just concerned with my success, nobody who really gives any shit. I mean as an anonymous person online, it's easy to sympathize with the right text, but how do you sympathize with someone with a shitty/nonexistant personality who isn't good at expressing their own feelings without fearing repercussions. I feel like all the love in my life is artificial and easily replaced, nobody who truly cares for me as a friend or loved one. I fucking loathe artificiality, absolutely fucking despise it, yet I feel like i'm being artificial in anxious and reserved ways. God why does winter always bring the shitty times?[/QUOTE] No need to worry that you don't have actual depression, we all have our reasons for struggling with the things we struggle with. Real or not, its still a struggle and you shouldn't feel bad for that. Most mental illnesses aren't even things that can be measured in the first place. It all comes down to ones perception of things and how they feel, hence mental illness. Someone could be in a worse spot than you and still feel better than you, and the same could be said about people where everything seems to be right and yet they're much worse off than someone in worse conditions. It's all up to how each individual perceives it and all sides have an equal right to feel what they feel. I can understand why you feel the way you do but it's important to remember that mental illnesses aren't about who has it worst. If you feel shitty then you do feel shitty. You deserve sympathy and help for that, no matter how shitty others might have it. We're all just humans after all :)

A usual sign of mental illness is doubting whether or not you have mental illness at all, so that's not irregular. But yeah like Pred said, whether or not an issue stems from mental illness doesn't make it any less of an issue. Let yourself be bothered by things and let yourself find a way to relieve those bad feelings. There's no threshold of "depressed enough" to be considered someone worth helping.

Had a small surge of motivation to look for jobs and came out of it feeling low. It seems like everything out there requires some form of formal education or years of experience, and I got nada. I'm kind of scared of going back to school after failing so hard this year and I don't know what to do. I know it's important to remember my own limitations and so on but I'm starting to get kind of stressed with all of this. I'm 22 years old, never finished school, never had a job other than through welfare (for max a month at the time) and I've been suffering from this mental bullshit since I was a kid. It's hard to imagine that I'll one day be clear of this mental stuff so it's not exactly easy to picture myself ever getting out of welfare. I need to take my time and make small enough steps that I can actually pull it off but at the same time it isn't really attractive to hire say, a 25-30 year old who has never worked before (if thats how long it'll take to sort myself out). It makes me worry about both a career and social status. Just like with hiring, if it takes as long as I said it doesn't give off the best first impressions for potential friends either. While people my age are progressing in life, getting jobs and starting careers, I'm just idling on the side on welfare. Perhaps I'll be viewed as lazy, unmotivated, lacking ambition or outright viewed as a cancer to society for leeching off of those hard working workers. I don't know, maybe most people don't have opinions like that but it's hard to see why they wouldn't have those. Sure seems unfair that they have to work while someone else just sits at home all day while getting their tax money. I can't see myself getting anywhere in life like this. I won't be able to afford a big, nice house on welfare. I won't be able to see the world on welfare. Most hobbies get too expensive on welfare. I'm barely scraping by as it is. I'm tired of this bullshit and I'm impatient to tear myself out of welfare to stand on my own feet but as things are right now, I can't do that either. I feel locked down in all aspects of life. Poor, no friends, no hobbies, no education, no experience. Time is against me and its stressing me out.

Been unhappy for quite some time. I can't seem to make any friends, and I have this absolutely incredible ability to piss off everyone I meet. I could make Gandhi fucking strangle my ass to death. Nobody seems to really want anything to do with me and it's just depressing to get an absolute verbal beatdown from people. I'm on several different medications, none of which seem to help. My family sucks, my mother's a former heroin addict while my dad committed suicide last year, and my grandmother is losing herself to Alzheimers. Can't find work, either, and the winter is setting off seasonal depression something fierce.

[QUOTE=BrandoJack;52977207]Family divorce and shit[/QUOTE] So, I have an update on the situation- I found out from my brother that the divorce was something that my dad and his wife had been talking about for over a month, and I only heard about it Thursday. But Good news: My dad's wife decided on giving him a second chance, and he's going to take it more seriously. So I think that means I get to stay situated here and go to college like I planned; I've been out of town for a few days, I didn't really get a chance to ask about it yet. Bad news: I still have extremely strong feelings about the whole situation, and the living condition here will likely still be shit. I doubt they'll do any couple's/family therapy like they desperately need to. Other news: A group of my friends reached out to me and offered to help me out however they can, and my brother's pushing me into finally getting my license so I can start to be more independent. I think I'm going to start getting my ass in gear with being [i]An Adult[/i]™ so I can move out of here if/before things go straight to hell again.

I don't want to die but time and time again I come to this opening my wrists seems like the best option. I've tried working hard, I've tried to follow my dreams, I've tried to not let down my friends and family. But there's still this void and when everything is out of the way I'm left alone with it.

I honestly dont know if this is the right place to put this but I think theres something wrong with me. Ive had a pretty awful life all things considered but usually im able to handle things. But recently things have gotten worse. If someone yells or gets really angry near me it feels like someones hitting me in the face, and about an hour or so later I start breaking out in awful itchy hives. People tell me that after that I usually space out and end up being completely emotionally detached for the rest of the day if I think about certain events in my past I also end up getting similiar symptom. Ive also been getting intrusive thoughts a lot more them I used to. My eczema has also flaired up to be worse then its been in years. I also find myself getting annoyed or even extremely angry at things I know are trivial. Does anyone have any idea as to whats wrong with me? [editline]17th December 2017[/editline] I dont feel depressrd or suicidal either

[QUOTE=Amber902;52986282]I honestly dont know if this is the right place to put this but I think theres something wrong with me. Ive had a pretty awful life all things considered but usually im able to handle things. But recently things have gotten worse. If someone yells or gets really angry near me it feels like someones hitting me in the face, and about an hour or so later I start breaking out in awful itchy hives. People tell me that after that I usually space out and end up being completely emotionally detached for the rest of the day if I think about certain events in my past I also end up getting similiar symptom. Ive also been getting intrusive thoughts a lot more them I used to. My eczema has also flaired up to be worse then its been in years. I also find myself getting annoyed or even extremely angry at things I know are trivial. Does anyone have any idea as to whats wrong with me? [editline]17th December 2017[/editline] I dont feel depressrd or suicidal either[/QUOTE] I know this may be a bit of a long shot but it reminds me of that link researchers said they found between hives and PTSD, so I'd advise you to seek professional help as soon as possible. I can't make an actual diagnosis with the info on hand, of course, but what you're saying strongly suggests, if not actual PTSD, extreme emotional stress that you no longer can handle.

Had a terrible dream about my ex that I woke up from just now. I rarely rarely ever have dreams, and dreams that actually affect me emotionally are even rarer, but now they decided to strike. Man, it shook me up a fair bit. The feeling of not being enough for someone, of someone needing more than just you is.. painful.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52986369]I know this may be a bit of a long shot but it reminds me of that link researchers said they found between hives and PTSD, so I'd advise you to seek professional help as soon as possible. I can't make an actual diagnosis with the info on hand, of course, but what you're saying strongly suggests, if not actual PTSD, extreme emotional stress that you no longer can handle.[/QUOTE] Thanks for the input I'm going to arrange an appointment with a psychologist in the morning.

[QUOTE=Bertie;52986448]Had a terrible dream about my ex that I woke up from just now. I rarely rarely ever have dreams, and dreams that actually affect me emotionally are even rarer, but now they decided to strike. Man, it shook me up a fair bit. The feeling of not being enough for someone, of someone needing more than just you is.. painful.[/QUOTE] Dreams are really tough on you sometimes. It can take a while to shake the feeling of a different reality away. Stay strong! If it's an isolated event, it'll pass.

[QUOTE=cynaraos;52979629]I'm starting to think it's a problem that I've simply bottled up so much rage, over several years, without ever really getting it out of my system[/QUOTE] yeaaahh it's catching up to me. I'm fucking livid, thinking about the trauma I've gone through

I hope getting on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety will make it easier for me to work on things. There's so much I want to do but for some reason I just don't the vast majority of the time. I just watch videos or lay around hating myself. There's not really an excuse for how long it takes me to make a video. Sure, I hate editing, but when guys like Ross Scott can produce a higher effort video than mine in less time there's just no excuse. I think I get caught up always wanting to make a big change. Always thinking, ok, tomorrow is gonna be the day I decide to make big changes. Or I'm gonna go to the park and rethink my life. And it never happens. The thing is I also can't accept a life of mundane shit. I constantly feel as though I have one chance at life and as a result I want to be as creative as I can possibly be and make so many things and live off my creations one day. But I don't, fucking, create. At least not enough to make it worthwhile. I feel alone in this because it seems like other people, even ones who aren't doing the best in life either, still make stuff and it doesn't seem like it takes as much effort for them as it does me. Doing the most mundane thing is so, so, so, exhausting, and takes so much energy to just push myself to do.

-snip-

I'm done with competitive games. No more CS or TF2 for me. Whenever I perform good I feel a big rush of happiness, but when I play bad I end up feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Sometimes I even break out in tears over how pathetic I'm playing. I'm probably gonna sell off my inventories in both games. It's around $2000 in total, most of it made through trading. It's gonna feel weird getting rid of it, but I think it's for the best.

[QUOTE=riki2cool;52988207]I'm done with competitive games. No more CS or TF2 for me. Whenever I perform good I feel a big rush of happiness, but when I play bad I end up feeling like shit for the rest of the day. Sometimes I even break out in tears over how pathetic I'm playing. I'm probably gonna sell off my inventories in both games. It's around $2000 in total, most of it made through trading. It's gonna feel weird getting rid of it, but I think it's for the best.[/QUOTE] i used to be like this to an extent, minus the tears. id notice im doing bad, overthink ways to try to perform better, and end up performing worse which only made me more angry. I realized that i was taking it as a personal attack on my ego, and if i was playing bad it would discourage me even more. I realized the key to playing games competitively is removing yourself emotionally from the situation, being mindful of your angry/negative feelings and merely observe them from a distance. Focus on thinking logically and intuitively over everything. Everything. Don't immediately jump in with expectations that you are gonna do good, cause when you don't do good you'll only make yourself feel worse. Go in with no expectations, don't give a fuck, practice, and be confident in your abilities and realize that only YOU can choose get better from where you are currently. Once i started trusting in my intuition and thinking logically without letting emotions take a hold, my playing was much snappier, reactive, id get way more kills, dying to someone better than me doesn't phase me anymore cause i realized that I do need to improve my skills more. Record your gameplay and analyze how you're getting outplayed and iron out the issues and improve. Am i saying this change in mindset can be done over night? No. It requires a degree of dedication and motivation to want to improve, which i can't force on anybody. Its just a change in perspective is all.

I have a lot of guilt over something that isn't my fault. I'm not really sure how it appropriately address it.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52988718]I have a lot of guilt over something that isn't my fault. I'm not really sure how it appropriately address it.[/QUOTE] Where is the source of your guilt? Is someone making you feel guilty and giving you a hard time?

I hate everything about this shit. Started talking to this girl a few months ago, getting interested in each other, yet she says she's not ready for a relationship. The next day, some dude she met a week ago and started talking with each other decide to get into a relationship. This just stresses me out heavily - my chest and shoulder are really tense specifically, and the rest of my body are just tense. It's worse, this is the first girl I've actually been interested in months. Shit hurts - I never knew what songs like "Suicidal Thoughts in the Back of the Cadillac" was about, but it just recently hit me hard. Fuck man, I have all this anger built inside I want to tear everything down.