Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

it turns out that there's a good chance that I can get to move into my own apartment on my own relatively soon. this is really making me regain hope

Just need to vent somewhere. The last two months have been the worst. My mom had a stroke so I decided to fly out to take care.of her. She's slowly recovering but now it looks like I'm going to lose my job because they never sent me out paper work for my leave. Now I have no money and possibly no job. I'm spiraling down into depression and I don't want to bother my parents with it because they have enough to deal with right now. On top of all this I'm pretty sure I'm ruining my relationship by being too clingy and annoying my partner to the point he doesn't want to talk to me when I told him I'm suicidal... God I don't know if I can do this anymore.

So I get the feeling I may have a bit of avoidant personality disorder, specially when I am feeling anxious. I know people care for me, love me, even admire me, and won't stop due to an awkward move on my part. I know I'm not repulsive, even if I overthink romance in situations where thinking shouldn't be done. And low self-esteem and inadequacy are far less prevalent that they once were. Still, being an outcast for most of my formative years, being pretty much told to not hang out with a group of people "because we have been friends for years and you just came around", and losing who I deemed a friend because I fell for her and she noticed and wasn't comfortable with that, well, made me quite wary in general. And I dislike that. My friends like me, people in general tend to find myself reliable, generous, and just plain good to have around, and everybody I've worked for is satisfied with my performance. It sucks from time to time to have feelings that conflict with the reality you know.

[QUOTE=Eriorguez;52989881]So I get the feeling I may have a bit of avoidant personality disorder, specially when I am feeling anxious. I know people care for me, love me, even admire me, and won't stop due to an awkward move on my part. I know I'm not repulsive, even if I overthink romance in situations where thinking shouldn't be done. And low self-esteem and inadequacy are far less prevalent that they once were. Still, being an outcast for most of my formative years, being pretty much told to not hang out with a group of people "because we have been friends for years and you just came around", and losing who I deemed a friend because I fell for her and she noticed and wasn't comfortable with that, well, made me quite wary in general. And I dislike that. My friends like me, people in general tend to find myself reliable, generous, and just plain good to have around, and everybody I've worked for is satisfied with my performance. It sucks from time to time to have feelings that conflict with the reality you know.[/QUOTE] In response to this, I think the closest friend are the ones that actually show genuine concern for your wellbeing, no matter who they are, and you should keep those people around, rather than those that say things like we can't fit you into our circle because x/y/z. Really they aren't friends to be made with, no matter how hard you try. They don't know what kind of awesome person you are because they don't know how to open up themselves. [quote]It sucks from time to time to have feelings that conflict with the reality you know.[/QUOTE] I'm replying to you specifically for this part right here. Be defiant against conflicts with reality, otherwise you might begin to question your sanity. I know you have good judgment of your character, but if you ever feel like you're being let down, don't go to the question "is my reality real?" but the question "how do I change my reality?" because I know it can be hard for some to accept things, especially when they are circumstances they'd rather not deal with. That's called denial... and I don't have any more to say haha. Just be well. And thanks for sharing.

[QUOTE=RapistSanta;52988942]Where is the source of your guilt? Is someone making you feel guilty and giving you a hard time?[/QUOTE] Maybe I'm making it more complicated than necessary, but the source happens to be how I have made choices when it comes to a certain person because I know the results not only effect me, but the people around me that care about me and those who don't even know of my existence. Those decisions, where I put myself back into an abusive situation, I don't feel guilty about, because my actions have consequences and I shouldn't continue to put myself into a terrible situation in hopes of it getting better. Toxic people stay toxic. I feel guilty because I never really blow the whistle on them. People tell me to walk away because it would probably be less dramatic or tense, but if somebody cheated on me...I'd want to know. I wanted to know actually, and to be lied to isn't fair or just. That this is happening to somebody else by the same person is shitty, and I might be just as shitty for rolling over. I think my guilt and anger mix together and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to carry this anymore.

Mom unexpectedly died, just very very sad...

Hello, im one of those dudes that bottles up all my emotions for years only about 2 people knew i was suicidal and depressed. Lately i've been handling it better than usual and i started seeing this girl, but my anxiety is just off the charts all the time im terrified of messing things up with her. Do you guys have any tips for handling my anxiety?

Crosspost from confessions: I hide my insecurities (fear of failure) with rationalizations and stop myself from valuing anything -- because if I do value it, I use rationalizations to cover up my failure to live up to the things I value. Friends, family members, lovers, ideologies, hobbies, self-improvement, whatever. I'm numb to the world since I don't want to hurt it if I decide to care for it, as my standard of success for care is obsessive, impulsive, and perfectionist. A wonderful mix with my insecurities. But hey, atleast the pattern seeking skills I use to rationalize my way out of things makes people call me smart! And makes me blindingly aware of my own problems with very little emotional will to change them! (because then I become compulsive and obsessive about fixing myself and hurt myself more when I don't do it perfect) [editline]20th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=piggycan99;52991673]Hello, im one of those dudes that bottles up all my emotions for years only about 2 people knew i was suicidal and depressed. Lately i've been handling it better than usual and i started seeing this girl, but my anxiety is just off the charts all the time im terrified of messing things up with her. Do you guys have any tips for handling my anxiety?[/QUOTE] Yep. Don't do what I did. Don't worry about failing her so much, it'll just make the consequences seem so extreme to you you'll do stupid shit. She ain't your life, you don't have to be perfect. 2 years and now she can't believe a word I said after defending my failures. [editline]20th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Eriorguez;52989881]So I get the feeling I may have a bit of avoidant personality disorder, specially when I am feeling anxious. I know people care for me, love me, even admire me, and won't stop due to an awkward move on my part. I know I'm not repulsive, even if I overthink romance in situations where thinking shouldn't be done. And low self-esteem and inadequacy are far less prevalent that they once were. Still, being an outcast for most of my formative years, being pretty much told to not hang out with a group of people "because we have been friends for years and you just came around", and losing who I deemed a friend because I fell for her and she noticed and wasn't comfortable with that, well, made me quite wary in general. And I dislike that. My friends like me, people in general tend to find myself reliable, generous, and just plain good to have around, and everybody I've worked for is satisfied with my performance. It sucks from time to time to have feelings that conflict with the reality you know.[/QUOTE] Do what I did! Stop valuing anything! /sarcasm

I realized something meaningful recently. While I am depressed and have this condition, I am never going to get over my perfectionism for spiritualistic self-love and care. Yet, I've felt I've had to do everything at once or perfectly to "get over the mountain" to reach my goals--I don't. I told myself, and I'm still practicing: "I am allowed to procrastinate and be imperfect on my self-perfectionism, to allow myself room to grow to perfect my skills of self-discipline for later." Basically, do what I can now, discard the stuff I can't do for later. This also allows room for mistakes. It frees me so much to know this, because I've felt like I am in a box or mold. Self-realization doesn't happen all at once, it happens over time. With time comes patience, and patience includes the meaning of how things are done during that time. That includes making mistakes, and accepting that change happens.

[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya;52991415]In response to this, I think the closest friend are the ones that actually show genuine concern for your wellbeing, no matter who they are, and you should keep those people around, rather than those that say things like we can't fit you into our circle because x/y/z. Really they aren't friends to be made with, no matter how hard you try. They don't know what kind of awesome person you are because they don't know how to open up themselves.[/QUOTE] Yeah, I'm aware of that, nowadays I have several circles of friends, a bunch of true friends, and I'm overall happy, but that incident hurt like hell, even if it already was 9 years ago (I was starting Uni, so that's always a bit hard, and those guys were classmates I got along with and who lived next street from me, with two studying the same degree.). So I worry that, if I get closer to people I get along with, I'll be overstepping boundaries. But thankfully I have friends who have told me plenty of times that it is not the case. Also, the friend I used to deem my best has trouble with apologies. He doesn't give them, he doesn't take them, and takes some pride on keeping grudges, but at the same time avoids conflict like the plague. So yeah, guess I got a bit of a twisted idea until I started to meet other people. Better people. Guess I'm still hurt about how it turned out. [QUOTE]I'm replying to you specifically for this part right here. Be defiant against conflicts with reality, otherwise you might begin to question your sanity. I know you have good judgment of your character, but if you ever feel like you're being let down, don't go to the question "is my reality real?" but the question "how do I change my reality?" because I know it can be hard for some to accept things, especially when they are circumstances they'd rather not deal with. That's called denial... and I don't have any more to say haha. Just be well. And thanks for sharing.[/QUOTE] Thank you. I've had my bouts with denial, but, nowadays, it feels like it is just a river in Egypt.

Guess who's officially on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety fuckers [I]meEeEeEeEeEe[/I] I pick up my prescriptions tomorrow, and not only that, but I've been referred to a doctor who might be able to get me started on MtF hormone therapy

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52994361]Guess who's officially on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety fuckers [I]meEeEeEeEeEe[/I] I pick up my prescriptions tomorrow, and not only that, but I've been referred to a doctor who might be able to get me started on MtF hormone therapy[/QUOTE] Awesome! Do y'know what druggeridoos? I'm a pharma nerd. Anti-depressants really helped me.

[QUOTE=lifehole;52994645]Awesome! Do y'know what druggeridoos? I'm a pharma nerd. Anti-depressants really helped me.[/QUOTE] Prozac and Buspirone. Prozac's worked for me in the past I believe so I'm hopeful that it'll be helpful again.

You're on a difficult path Mister Sandman, but I know what you believe for yourself can be done. My therapist told me when we first met, "The universe is conspiring for you, not against you!" I'd add that even though it's hard, miracles do happen everyday. It's great you're getting help!

I hate having to convince people you're depressed to talk about it. Makes me feel like talking about it is just a waste of effort most of the time. I tried to tell my SO that I've been depressed for about a month now, and he just replied with the usual "life is mostly going to be neutral, not happy all the time." Well yeah I'm not talking about just not being really happy with my life, I'm talking about how I want to sleep all day so I don't have to be awake, and how everything just feels so empty and sad. Even the things that used to make me happy just remind me of how shit everything is and that I have little to no chance of fixing it. I know that all I can do is distract myself for the moment and I hate that I know that.

Been thinking about getting old and dying recently. Getting older seems like a thing that'll gate out more and more opportunities in life as you gain years. Which ends with a not so spectacular finale where you simply cease to exist. We're all slowly dying from the day we're born and for every second that passes we all die a little more until there's nothing left and death takes ahold. Time can never be restored so all of those hours we spent on never taking action is time we're never getting back. All of those unhealthy habits of ours speeds up our journey to the end. It's depressing to think about. It makes me think about all this time I've spent in my comfortable bubble, living a not so happy life. I'm never getting those years back and I'll never be able to spend those years living a good life. I don't want to continue down a path like this. I don't want to look back at my life when I'm drawing my final breaths and realize that I could have been so much more. I don't care about success, I just want to know with myself that I at least tried. In the end, nothing really matters. We all die and we bring our experiences with us. It's not worth it to be anxious or depressed even if that's the most comfortable solution. Nothing matters anyway so why spend a lifetime on worrying when I could have followed my dreams? To achieve something that I'm proud of and view myself as resourceful and ambitious? To look back at my life when I'm on my last days and be happy knowing that I at least tried and wasn't stopped by being uncomfortable? There's no point in willingly shaving off time off of our already short lifespans here in the world. [editline]21st December 2017[/editline] These thoughts made me realize how unimportant a high paying job really is. Money is nice, sure, but its mostly used for unimportant things that have no value to who you are. Having hundreds of games, a nice PC, TV, phone, house, car, boat, whatever, can never replace a good experience in life. All money does is fuel into materialism. It makes me sick how materialistic society is. Wherever you go, you'll find examples of it. Big companies exploiting consumers by using dopamine to get you either hooked or buy their product. Big YouTubers who practically sells their soul by being someone they're not to get famous and to earn mad dosh. People in general who feels the need to document everything they do for status. Everyone is so obsessed with status and money. I can't help but wonder, is this actually meaningful to them? Does it fill them with lasting joy, knowing that they haven't been true to themselves or the people around them to either earn recognition or money? Not everyone is like this but I do feel that a worrying amount of people fit somewhere in there. It makes me sad but who am I to dictate how others live their life. For all I know, maybe they find something meaningful in all of that that'll keep them happy. I just don't like it since it seems to make the perfect breeding grounds for people to be fake.

I've been having nightmares every night, then I wake up in a fit of sobbing all sweaty. It's bizarre.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52994995]Prozac and Buspirone. Prozac's worked for me in the past I believe so I'm hopeful that it'll be helpful again.[/QUOTE] Oooh! Buspirone. Neat drug, serotonin(h1) agonist, great for GAD. A nice counter to the more impulsive/energetic ssri Prozac. Just remember to eat!

Buspirone does jack shit for me, I still take it though. Prozac has been slowly losing its effectiveness, although I'm not sure if the drug isn't working as well or my issues have worsened. Which they definitely have. Questioning your gender is hard and really brought out all the negative emotions I have. I've been more depressed than I have been in years.

If anyone wants to PM and just pen pal about life and things i'd be down for that. Posting in a thread like this gets convoluted, which isn't a bad thing necessarily it's just that everyone's personal things get tied up and fall over each other and whatnot. My mom just died and i'm on the computer a considerable amount of the time, and messaging a single person back and forth just to clear my thoughts out to another person would be nice. I'm not depressed or anxious or anything like that anymore, I'm just going through a paradigm shift after last week and would like someone to articulate my thoughts to in the form of internet messages.

i wish i have a pen pal :(

I went to Oslo yesterday with my SO and had a good time. The past few months we've spent all of our time at home, either playing games, watching youtube or watching a show together. I've felt like a robot, constantly on the look out for my next source of entertainment and forcing myself to consume even if I didn't want to. I just didn't feel like I had any other options being at home and all. Doing anything but those things simply required too much effort compared to booting up my PC and doing something on that. It felt great to make an effort to go out and explore. So much to see and so much to talk about. We were both laughing for what seemed like the first time in months and we were genuinely enjoying ourselves for a change. I've been so worried about our relationship lately because we've barely talked with each other at home. Turns out it might be because we never do anything which is a comforting thought because we can easily fix that. I feel like I should have known that sitting at home all day every day will make anyone plummet into depression after a while. I think that having new experiences and seeing new things is very important to sustain a healthy mindset. It gives you things to talk about, things to think about, ideas for things you want to do with your life and so on.

[QUOTE=PredGD;52997257]I went to Oslo yesterday with my SO and had a good time. The past few months we've spent all of our time at home, either playing games, watching youtube or watching a show together. I've felt like a robot, constantly on the look out for my next source of entertainment and forcing myself to consume even if I didn't want to. I just didn't feel like I had any other options being at home and all. Doing anything but those things simply required too much effort compared to booting up my PC and doing something on that. It felt great to make an effort to go out and explore. So much to see and so much to talk about. We were both laughing for what seemed like the first time in months and we were genuinely enjoying ourselves for a change. I've been so worried about our relationship lately because we've barely talked with each other at home. Turns out it might be because we never do anything which is a comforting thought because we can easily fix that. I feel like I should have known that sitting at home all day every day will make anyone plummet into depression after a while. I think that having new experiences and seeing new things is very important to sustain a healthy mindset. It gives you things to talk about, things to think about, ideas for things you want to do with your life and so on.[/QUOTE] Tis a shame such a lifestyle is, for many, not sustainable. I spent 2 weeks in hongkong and new Zealand on holiday, rare that dark thoughts found me; then upon return home it was but 2 days before depression once polluted my mind

[QUOTE=lifehole;52997048]Oooh! Buspirone. Neat drug, serotonin(h1) agonist, great for GAD. A nice counter to the more impulsive/energetic ssri Prozac. Just remember to eat![/QUOTE] Are you an alchemist? Actually if buspirone affects my hunger levels I don't mind that one bit. I'm trying to lose weight anyway :v: Either way I just picked up my prescriptions tonight and took my first pills. Felt slightly nauseous a while later but I think that's just from me already being sick anyway. The journey to self care hath begun :toot:

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;52997466] Either way I just picked up my prescriptions tonight and took my first pills. Felt slightly nauseous a while later but I think that's just from me already being sick anyway. The journey to self care hath begun :toot:[/QUOTE] Common side effect of SSRIs, when your body adapts to the raised serotonin in your system it'll go away.

Merry Christmas, my school is telling me I owe them $1300 for money that financial aid stole back from them because they gave me money for the 9 hours I had when I was "technically" locked into 6 hours at the census date. And now I can't get my degree until I pay them that amount. College was a mistake tbh. I'm really tired of this.

it's like my subconscious just refuses to believe how much legitimate progress I've achieved.

So Christmas mail time happened at my school. I wrote to this girl that I really used to like. She responded with a very empty sounding 'that was cool' and another friend (who admittedly has problems of her own) wasn't really fond of the letter I sent her either. Holiday break starting off on a sad note.

I worked 13 hours right now. Finished at 11PM. I wanted to go to the city to drink and get laid, but my bank account is only 30 euros and I also have plans for new years. I feel like r9k right now. And my evening will now consist of a beer glass of Caribba Negro rum, Pepsi soda, two crushed limes. Pastries. Coffee. And this song [video=youtube;ERbF2jDcUes]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERbF2jDcUes[/video]

Im hollow and alone, i thought i got better but no im doomed to be hollow and alone Its so fucked up that ive forgotten what being happy feels like