Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Feels like I suck at everything I do, fuck it hurts just to think about. I can't make friends because I have crazy anxiety, so every time I get invited to go somewhere, I just politely deny the request. I have done this so many times that I don't even get invited to do anything with any of my friends from high school anymore, people have tried to reconnect but it never works out. I can't even date anyone in real life because it's hard to date someone who is as much of a mess emotionally as I am, I can go from the happiest person to wanting to die in an hour. I suffer alone now, the people that made me happy in my life are the same ones I pushed away from, that or I fucked up our friendship somehow, and to see them moving on is probably the worst thing of all. I didn't deserve their friendship, they deserved better than me. It's like I can't function since my best friend killed himself THREE YEARS AGO. It broke me. I can't even MOVE ON from it, I need to get help and it is blatantly obvious to me that I need help, I thought time would heal this, I thought I could deal with it and I'd just move on from it all. I haven't.

I just want to disappear. I hate myself and I want to die. I'll never be the same again not after everything that's happened to me these years.

Hey all, it's been a while since I've posted here, but I don't know where else to turn as I don't feel like any of my friends care and I've vented to my fiance so many times I feel bad about it and like i'm going to scare her off, even though I know she won't be. It's a bit to read but honestly I really need to get it all out. Basically, girlfriend/fiance have been living together for nearly two years in Australia, met online, she moved out here on a working and holiday visa with the intention of getting a partner visa, sadly I lost my job about halfway through her visa and didn't get a job until the day she had to leave. Ok no worries, she came back to visit, and we adhered to what Americans restrictions on visiting Australia is, must leave every 90 days and no selling the art she draws to Australian citizens. No issues with that, go to Indonesia for a few days and come back, then a really bad thing happened where she got raped by a friend of ours in April. Basically I needed some time alone at home, she went out to this friend we've never had any issues with before, then suddenly I get a really panicked message about needing to be picked up right now, so I dropped what I was doing and grabbed her. Found her out the front of his house crying. Of course she explained what happened and I felt horrible, I felt like it was my fault and still do. Anyways we do our usual thing in late April, jump to Indonesia and back as I'm still struggling to save up for a partner visa (price hike, $7000 AU in Australia now). On reentry to Australia, immigration wanted to question her, just curious about leaving and coming in so many times. No worries that's fine. They don't mind her drawing and selling art as long as it's not to Australian residents. But they decide to go through her phone, find a message from my mum from when she was here on the working and holiday visa about jobs going. They thought she was working on a tourist visa even though when that message was sent she still had 6 months left on a working visa. So they gave her a 3 year reentry ban after this stay. So go about the next 90 days, she leaves to the USA and it absolutely kills me, I had never felt so damn horrible in my life seeing her leave on that plane, I spent the next 3 days after that crying non stop. Booked a trip to the USA a month later to see her again, then to my horror I come into work on the Monday and they let me go. Thankfully I had my tax return come in so I had enough money to make the trip still. So, visit to the USA went absolutely amazingly, it was awesome seeing her again, and sure I was sad to leave, but didn't feel too bad. Well get back home, and there is absolutely nothing job wise out, I spend most of my days hanging around at home, looking for jobs, video chatting with her when I can and planning visa options (start a K1 visa application Monday). The issue I'm having now though is that I get so many thoughts in my head now, I get images of when she was raped, I feel like it's all my fault and I could've prevented it if I went somewhere myself. Seeing where she sat when she lived here absolutely kills me, not being able to cuddle her, the bed feels so lonely and I don't have my best friend and partner with my all the time. The images I get, how scared she must've been, it just drags me down even more. Not just that, I get super worried whenever she hangs out with other guys now, however she's far too scared to be in a non-public place with them too now. Hell, I'm at the first furry con of 2 years without her here and I just can't cope with it, combined with the lack of jobs I don't know when I will be able to see her again. I spend most of my nights pretty much crying myself to sleep and completely unable to get out of bed in the morning. It really is the worst I've ever felt in my life and I don't know what to do about it. We always had a plan, and now, even with the K1 visa application starting, what if that fails, we'd never be able to live together for a long time and I don't know how I'd cope. I guess I'm just rambling on, but I'm just stuck. I feel like shit all the time now, I'm on the verge of crying 20 hours a day, my hobbies and my friends just don't cheer me up anymore and I feel like I'm going to go insane over the next few months.

Tried outdoor rock climbing today, spent most of the time beating myself up for being so shit and stood around wanting to die. I want to try new things and meet people but I'm so broken I don't think that will ever be possible.

I know there are a lot worse issues to face here, and to help out with, but some tips from someone who has/had the same issue would be helpful. Every time I let myself or someone down to my actions, I have an urge to punish myself. Now in the past, it was just beating myself up mentally. But recently, I have a sudden compulsion to harm myself physically. Basically to atone, by causing pain to myself. It started with punching my own head as hard as I could (I know, sounds strange.), but now, I reach for anything with a blade and I cut my thighs, or any place thats not seen with clothes on. I really need to stop, and the scars are already piling up on top of themselves. It's just, after the sudden compulsion to start cutting, I dont feel the pain when I do. And when it's done, it feels like a rush, and the only thing on my mind is the pain and adrenaline (instead of the problem) I know it's self-destructive behavior, but it's a learned behavior now. It's really hard to stop, and I'm not sure if anyone here knows a way to stop. It feels good to at least confess it somewhere.

[QUOTE=Tacooo;51137842]Tried outdoor rock climbing today, spent most of the time beating myself up for being so shit and stood around wanting to die. I want to try new things and meet people but I'm so broken I don't think that will ever be possible.[/QUOTE] Hey buddy, I'm a relatively experienced mountaineer and I am also still fairly shit. I fall off things I climb quite a lot - there are many people much better than I am, but that isn't really what climbing is about, it's not a competitive sport, it's more about teamwork and adventures. Don't beat yourself up for being shit, that's just going to create negativity - if you've given it your all but not managed it, who cares? If you've not climbed much before there is also a good chance there is a lot you can learn to improve which isnt just "get stronger", stick with it my friend.

Nothing like having a panic attack in the middle of London because of being overwhelmed by the crowds, as well as being in an entirely different part of London on my own :goodjob: Had a police officer accompany me through the Tube, and then got directed and taken to the train I needed by a few lovely young gentlemen. I would have easily missed my train if it wasn't for my panicked, hyperventilated state at the end of the day :v:

Had a dream this morning where I was being carried through a really grimy hallway by someone dressed in all white with black gloves. Couldn't talk, couldn't move, couldn't even breathe. Somehow, though, I knew I didn't need to, cuz I was dying. We were getting closer to some white room. Never got there though, because I woke up before we did. I felt an immense pressure on my chest and stomach as soon as I woke, and felt like I was choking, but clearly wasn't. I actually thought I was dying for a brief moment. After that, I just cried for a good half hour and took more sleep aids and drifted off. I'm scared.

I really am broken. My life is really upsetting and there's no sign of it getting any better. I think I'm just going to do everyone a favor and end it. I've had enough of everything. There's no hope for me not anymore.

[QUOTE=Animosus;51136924] -snip- I guess I'm just rambling on, but I'm just stuck. I feel like shit all the time now, I'm on the verge of crying 20 hours a day, my hobbies and my friends just don't cheer me up anymore and I feel like I'm going to go insane over the next few months.[/QUOTE] You gotta stop blaming yourself its not healthy for you or your relationship. It's not your fault, she mighta been out on a hen do (generally guys not invited) and it mighta happened. It's not because of you. Giving her space and time to do her thing with her friends is important. Even if it were your fault (this is more general advice not important here because of above) don't focus on things which happened already. You worrying about it isn't going to help. You might rationalise it (I make this mistake) as "ah ill know what to do next time if I think about it" but you won't and letting it grind you down isn't going to help you or her. These parts struck me slightly [quote] Hell, I'm at the first furry con of 2 years without her here and I just can't cope with it, combined with the lack of jobs I don't know when I will be able to see her again. I spend most of my nights pretty much crying myself to sleep and completely unable to get out of bed in the morning. ... we'd never be able to live together for a long time and I don't know how I'd cope. [/quote] That sounds not great. It sounds like you are relying on her for value and happiness, which [b]feels[/b] great and easy when you're together but if you're apart it takes away your crutch which is really destructive. You need to learn your own value, to generate your own happiness and love yourself a lil more. Don't rely on crutches, you can still enjoy having a girlfriend or playing games or drinking booze but you are happy without, having them there just adds a cherry atop what is already a delicious cake. Consider from her view, you worrying and mangling yourself over it is going to stop her from recovering. It's not healthy for her either, even if she enjoys you worrying about it you are setting your relationship about a negative thing. If a relationship makes you feel bad then its not healthy you need to address that for your sake and hers; focus on the good things, find your centre and stop blaming yourself for things out of your control. I dunno what advice I can offer about the visa thing but hopefully the rest might be of some use. [editline]3rd October 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;51144634]I just want to disappear. I hate myself and I want to die. I'll never be the same again not after everything that's happened to me these years. ... I really am broken. My life is really upsetting and there's no sign of it getting any better. I think I'm just going to do everyone a favor and end it. I've had enough of everything. There's no hope for me not anymore.[/QUOTE] Find something to love about yourself. Identify things you do which aren't helping, identify crutches or excuses you use and get rid of them. I was depressed for years and over time I realised what triggered the really bad parts so I got rid of that (for me it was anger and lack of control). I then worked out that one of the biggest things which made me dislike myself was my inability to keep in touch, I wouldn't reply to friends, I'd avoid going out because (who knows why). So I forced myself to reply and go out, and enjoyed it. I try to keep in touch with those people. I feel much better. I used to play games to forget my life and use them as a crutch, now I play them because I actually enjoy them, now I can get angry (though far less than I used to) and feel out of control without getting depressed about it. I also started going gym I'm not sure why but it really helps you with yourself. Also "fake it till you make it" with body language, good posture, hold eye contact and smile at people, evne if you don't feel it over time you'll feel yourself getting more and more reinforced. A diagram I found... [URL="http://surlymuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/1000px-Challenge_vs_skill.svg_.png"]inspiring[/URL]. If you can accept the bad things that happen and learn to be relaxed instead of bored you'll feel much better about whats going on.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;51144814]You gotta stop blaming yourself its not healthy for you or your relationship. It's not your fault, she mighta been out on a hen do (generally guys not invited) and it mighta happened. It's not because of you. Giving her space and time to do her thing with her friends is important. Even if it were your fault (this is more general advice not important here because of above) don't focus on things which happened already. You worrying about it isn't going to help. You might rationalise it (I make this mistake) as "ah ill know what to do next time if I think about it" but you won't and letting it grind you down isn't going to help you or her. These parts struck me slightly That sounds not great. It sounds like you are relying on her for value and happiness, which [b]feels[/b] great and easy when you're together but if you're apart it takes away your crutch which is really destructive. You need to learn your own value, to generate your own happiness and love yourself a lil more. Don't rely on crutches, you can still enjoy having a girlfriend or playing games or drinking booze but you are happy without, having them there just adds a cherry atop what is already a delicious cake. Consider from her view, you worrying and mangling yourself over it is going to stop her from recovering. It's not healthy for her either, even if she enjoys you worrying about it you are setting your relationship about a negative thing. If a relationship makes you feel bad then its not healthy you need to address that for your sake and hers; focus on the good things, find your centre and stop blaming yourself for things out of your control. I dunno what advice I can offer about the visa thing but hopefully the rest might be of some use. [/QUOTE] Cheers for the reply, the reason I feel like it's my fault though is because I asked her to go out, she wanted to have a night in but I was in a bad mood due to work that day. I try not to rely on her for happiness, but it's difficult to explain. Sure I can be happy without her there, and actually have a relatively good time last night, laughs and fun were had. Just feels like a chunk of my life is missing without her here because of how much we did together and had in common. On the visa aspect though, was pretty relieved to find out that the Syndey consulate practically never denys the K1 visa so there's that which has made me feel better.

[QUOTE=Animosus;51145063]Cheers for the reply, the reason I feel like it's my fault though is because I asked her to go out, she wanted to have a night in but I was in a bad mood due to work that day. [/quote] So don't blame yourself. There was a 99.99% chance nothing went wrong and all was fine. You guys got the 0.01% shitty end of the stick. Out of your control and not your fault. Blaming yourself is just self destructive. It's healthy for couples to have alone time and spend time with friends you did the right thing and got unlucky and sometimes you gotta retreat to your "man cave" after a hard day at work. [quote] I try not to rely on her for happiness, but it's difficult to explain. Sure I can be happy without her there, and actually have a relatively good time last night, laughs and fun were had. Just feels like a chunk of my life is missing without her here because of how much we did together and had in common. [/quote] Well just don't spend so much time being upset about stuff; if you overload your body with cortisol it can lower your long term ability to deal with stress. Small spurts like jumping off a bridge into the water is great but prolonged exposure is really bad for you. [quote] On the visa aspect though, was pretty relieved to find out that the Syndey consulate practically never denys the K1 visa so there's that which has made me feel better.[/QUOTE] Sounds positive. Good luck and look after yourself.

I love that the one time I decide to leave the house and take a walk I get yelled at by hoons. Fuck it all.

I'm trying to determine wether I'm being a totally overexaggerating wet blanket /drama queen but.. anyway: I have had this underlying feeling for the last year and a half now that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I don't have any clear goals of what to do after university - I don't really have any desires to go in any particular direction. I feel at points I don't really know who I am, I haven't really felt happy for quite a long time - recent events have made this a bit more promenent. I'm surrounded by friends and do have a really good group of people I can talk to, but despite that I feel completely alone. I don't really have anyone I could consider a best friend, and there's very few people I can talk to about what's actually on my mind without feeling like I'm bothering them. I've also felt like i've interacted and spoken to people through some "third person"; whenever I'm at a party or just speaking to people I act a completely different way and almost put on this "cool guy who's partially stoned" voice & mannerisms. Hard to describe, but I notice myself doing it to people. I've felt particularly "empty" since about april, and being back at uni and around my friends hasn't got rid of it. There's really dumb shit like having sad thoughts about how time is only ever marching on, I'm only ever going to get older, my parents will be getting older every day and I'm scared about their death. They aren't exactly old nor unhealthy, dad's only just into his 60's, but it really shouldn't be something that's bothering me as much as it does. I don't know wether that's just an effect of me being a complete cynic. Of course, it's nothing suicidal or any of that shit, nor do I feel like jumping off a bridge or hurting myself or anything, but I know that end of the day I shouldn't really feel like this. I don't know if it's something that just trying to change my outlook on life by some means, or speaking to a professional about it would help, or even something as basically as just waiting another handful of weeks and see how i'm feeling then.

Trying some vagus nerve stimulation. Seems to be helping a lot. Just some cold water on my face and some breath holding does wonders for my pain and mood, along with giving me a more calm feeling all over. Heart rate slowed right down, in a kind of scary way though; very sudden. I've heard that too much stimulation can be very dangerous so I should be a bit more careful in the future. Regardless, reading up about the gut-brain axis and the vagus nerve just makes me more determined to get FMT done. I still have no idea if it'll put me into remission but it'll surely help. It has to. I'm running myself ragged at this point. I just wish that it wasn't such a huge cost of money.

I don't know how much I can hold on anymore, but I feel like I'm going to kill myself soon. It feels like whatever I plan to do to turn everything around it backfires and something gets in the way, even if I'm just trying to get the smallest fucking enjoyment. Why can't I be special... Why am I so fucking inferior compared to people that I'm not supposed to be inferior against. Right now I'm convinced that all I do is mistakes and hassle other people I REALLY JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE AND I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

s n i p

Well, todays the day. I genuinely wish that everyone here gets their problems sorted out, I sure didnt. Good luck everyone.

Can we come up with a new name for depression? It sounds too juvenile to me, like saying I have 'chronic sadness'. It's hard to explain how I feel to people when the name of the illness has no weight to it.

Too poor to afford a shrink. This sucks. [QUOTE=AntontheFox;51148503]Well, todays the day. I genuinely wish that everyone here gets their problems sorted out, I sure didnt. Good luck everyone.[/QUOTE] Keep breathing, one day at a time. That's what I do at least.

[QUOTE=Kolmala;51150671]Can we come up with a new name for depression? It sounds too juvenile to me, like saying I have 'chronic sadness'. It's hard to explain how I feel to people when the name of the illness has no weight to it.[/QUOTE] I believe Churchill called his depression "The Black Dog".

I call it a challenge

I hear voices i dont like

There isn't anything I like about myself. I'm a useless nobody... my life has just been a downward spiral for awhile now. I can't cope with anything anymore and I can't stop thinking about killing myself. Nobody cares what happens to me anyway. The hurting never stops and I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I wish I would just disappear. I hate being this miserable but nothing good has come my way. I'll probably be dead within a year tops and that's fine by me.

I just don't know what to do I want to stop being like this

I don't really like talking about myself but I've got a bit to get off my chest after an unpleasant day. 24, I feel like I am behind, I still live with my parents (they're divorced) and I am having trouble starting a career. I feel ashamed but I don't see any reasonable solution as I am in the Vancouver area (Extremely high prices). For a while I felt really happy, After I got my bachelors degree I got a job with a small start up making extremely basic renders for their investors. In a short while I managed to overhaul their media, from just simple CAD drawings to full 3D animations to VR demos of their buildings for investors. I always thought it looked like shit but they seemed happy with it. In that time I met a few interesting people and I started to feel like I was getting ahead in life. This lasted for about a year, and then the company had pretty much mangled it's own funding and I was left with almost $3000 still owed to me. At this point I am feel miserable and embarrassed about my lack of employment. Financially I am in the black because I try to save as best I can so at least there's that. I appreciate that my parents had saved for my education and I swear if I ever reach the point of having a family I will do the same for them. I am trying my best with finding employment but it's not exactly a great feeling to find what looks like a good opportunity only to read at the bottom of the page *Must Speak Mandarin. Regarding socially, I am pretty much a mountain-less hermit. I think I can talk to people fairly well, It's just I am nervous as hell when doing so. I have never been with another person in an affectionate manner. I just feel too embarrassed about the position I am currently in to really consider it an option. I can barely look at myself in the mirror at times. In terms of family, for the past 3 years they have been divorced. Up to that point it had been listening to miserable shouting and screaming everyday. The divorce process was miserable, I was constantly pulled in to it. Even to the point of my own father threatening to write me out of his will because I did not want to discuss the financial aspects of the divorce. For 3 years I have tried to keep things as even and fair as possible, and keep everyone as happy as I can. Every week I would swap where I was to try and be fair, but every time I would get a miserable feeling when I would return to one house or another that an entire week was gone, or that no time had passed when entering each one. Cut to now, after being screamed at for a stupidly mundane problem, I have decided to leave for a long time. When I was walking out the door he claimed that he felt ashamed and that I was embarrassing him and that I was running with my tail between my legs like usual. I don't know if he would want me to come back, or if I would want to come back. So from here on I have no idea what is going to happen. All I want to do right now is listen to Bob Ross while studying drawing/painting

Really, really close to just fucking giving up, every single day is suffering for me in one way or another and I've just had enough. Doesn't help that I've got a voice in my head screaming to just go ahead and give in.

[QUOTE=Thlis;51162433]I don't really like talking about myself but I've got a bit to get off my chest after an unpleasant day. 24, I feel like I am behind, I still live with my parents (they're divorced) and I am having trouble starting a career. I feel ashamed but I don't see any reasonable solution as I am in the Vancouver area (Extremely high prices).[/quote] 25 and living with dad here. Don't be ashamed theres loads of people who still live with parents at this age you gotta stop comparing yourself to others. See it as an opportunity to save loadsamonie. Reframe it as the fiscally intelligent thing to do and hopefully it should help get rid of that shame stuff [quote] For a while I felt really happy, After I got my bachelors degree I got a job with a small start up making extremely basic renders for their investors. In a short while I managed to overhaul their media, from just simple CAD drawings to full 3D animations to VR demos of their buildings for investors. I always thought it looked like shit but they seemed happy with it. In that time I met a few interesting people and I started to feel like I was getting ahead in life. This lasted for about a year, and then the company had pretty much mangled it's own funding and I was left with almost $3000 still owed to me. At this point I am feel miserable and embarrassed about my lack of employment. Financially I am in the black because I try to save as best I can so at least there's that. I appreciate that my parents had saved for my education and I swear if I ever reach the point of having a family I will do the same for them. I am trying my best with finding employment but it's not exactly a great feeling to find what looks like a good opportunity only to read at the bottom of the page *Must Speak Mandarin.[/quote] I can't help much with finding employment but you sound like you got your head screwed on if you've been saving for a rainy day. [quote] Regarding socially, I am pretty much a mountain-less hermit. I think I can talk to people fairly well, It's just I am nervous as hell when doing so. I have never been with another person in an affectionate manner. I just feel too embarrassed about the position I am currently in to really consider it an option. I can barely look at myself in the mirror at times.[/quote] That feel. Try to find something good about yourself which you appreciate and are confident about. Try send some messages to old friends see how they're doing, don't invest yourself mentally to it since there is a chance they won't write back but I've got talking to quite a few friends from when I was 15-18. For the nervous thing try to remember they too have flaws, Churchill (big depression sufferer) said it helps to imagine people naked, think about that in several senses not just without clothes but without whatever things they use to hide their flaws. If you can imagine them at how you feel (whilst making yourself feel like you think they feel ie better) then you are approaching an equal which is far easier to associate with. You'll probably find lots of people just want to talk about their own shit anyway, you barely have to say anything just listen to what they're saying and if something pops up when a natural break in their speech happens throw it out there, just ask questions relevant to what they're chatting about and you become "a good talker" then once you get closer to someone you share your ideas more till you feel comfortable sharing 50/50 at that point they're invested with you so whatever you say they'll accept because to refuse would mean risking their investment in time/emotion. Back to the "dont feel invested" thing, if you feel you're doing badly think "so what" they'll get over it, people forget stuff pretty easy. Try to build yourself to feel better about yourself and avoid the temptation to only see the good in people. Once you find some good friends/people be a little invested then but when you first talk to someone try to not give a shit about them (in a neutral way still be a nice person) [quote]In terms of family, for the past 3 years they have been divorced. Up to that point it had been listening to miserable shouting and screaming everyday. The divorce process was miserable, I was constantly pulled in to it.[/quote] Its not fair for a young person to go through a thing like that. Parents don't realise the effect it can have on you. It doesn't have to happen to you in future so see it more as a "I don't want that so ill work toward not having it" rather than a "shit thats what life is i better avoid relationships" My parents had a lot of issues when my mum was alive I think it helped me strive to uncover deeper issues in people so you can't be surprised when some terrible life issue brings out a surprise you didn't previously know about. [quote]Even to the point of my own father threatening to write me out of his will because I did not want to discuss the financial aspects of the divorce. For 3 years I have tried to keep things as even and fair as possible, and keep everyone as happy as I can. Every week I would swap where I was to try and be fair, but every time I would get a miserable feeling when I would return to one house or another that an entire week was gone, or that no time had passed when entering each one.[/quote] Sounds like you're putting lots of effort into pleasing other people and its getting you down. What do you want? What would make things easier for you? Focus on yourself and be a lil bit selfish , once you found your centre again you can start thinking about serving others again. [quote] Cut to now, after being screamed at for a stupidly mundane problem, I have decided to leave for a long time. When I was walking out the door he claimed that he felt ashamed and that I was embarrassing him and that I was running with my tail between my legs like usual. I don't know if he would want me to come back, or if I would want to come back. So from here on I have no idea what is going to happen.[/quote] You're in a tough position. If he's saying that shit you gotta let him know its not right, talking to you like that isn't helping you, it's probably not malicious he just doesn't know how to act or treat you. Between that and the threatening to cut you out of the will it sounds unhealthy. I dunno what advice to give other than do what is best for you, if you want to keep in contact assert yourself, don't let yourself be an emotional punch bag, you're probably doing it without knowing because you want him to be happy but sometimes interactions between people become abusive without either party noticing. I'm not sure the following is good advice so seek a second opinion (or professional help) but maybe try to stand up for yourself say you won't be treated that way. Him saying that about you will make you feel that way about yourself, which is damaging. Is that any professional help you can see? [quote] All I want to do right now is listen to Bob Ross while studying drawing/painting[/QUOTE] If thats what you enjoy than endulge a little but do it because you enjoy it not just because its an escape/crutch Best of luck buddy I hope you can get these things sorted Sometimes the situation is fucked up, its hard to get a job, harder to get a good job, people don't know how to treat each other and expectations don't match reality. You're told you should be something and that your value is only obtained from being that thing. Its bs. You are your own man with your own challenges. Your value is your own and you need to get into a state where nobody can take your value away. If your worth is predicated on whether or not you are employed or if your dad approves of what you are doing, then you derive your value from others and they will always have power over you. IMO the first step toward being in control is ensuring you control how you feel about yourself.

Just a word of advice: if you're trying to withdraw from antidepressants, do so slowly. You actually become dependent on them and if you quit cold turkey, it wreaks all sorts of havoc on your mental state. I was getting lazy with taking my antidepressants for a while, and one day when I got home from college, I went from violent rage to sobbing in my bed.

Yeah, I can agree with elevate I have a bad habit of forgetting to take them for days, don't forget meds.