Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Mud;52999526]Im hollow and alone, i thought i got better but no im doomed to be hollow and alone Its so fucked up that ive forgotten what being happy feels like[/QUOTE] Sometimes it helps me to lower my scope of expectations. Maybe the thing I'm gonna do is not gonna fix everything, maybe the thing I'm gonna do is not going to bring me self fulfillment, but maybe it's gonna make things at least 0.1% better. Feeling happy is overrated, as long as you have a plan of action, something to do to keep yourself busy, happiness will arrive on its own one day and you won't even notice it.

[QUOTE=Turnips5;52977365]citalopram update: after roughly a month I'm a lot more levelled out. I don't feel like killing myself, and I am as functional at work as I used to be (perhaps somewhat more so). thing is, I think it might have dampened my good emotions as well. I feel bad because my colleague made me a little knitted flower pin, so fucking lovely of her, but I didn't really feel a thing... but it was necessary to get me back on track. I'm still going to keep taking it, probably for six months, and then reevaluate whether I need to be on it. oh well. pretty much anything's better than crying and shaking endlessly and being unable to sleep. I think it's helped me make a lot of progress in relaxing the need to answer my OCD-like terror thought processes. I felt quite normal and relaxed for a few moments today, even got into the music I was listening to briefly. hope you folks are doin okay!![/QUOTE] That's great to hear. SSRIs will dampen both good and bad moods. In fact, I mentioned that a few pages ago, I think. :) It's a shitty side effect, unfortunately.

living in almost crippling poverty, not getting to live on my own it makes me feel so thoroughly degraded, like I don't get to be a normal person I wish I could get my own apartment and even a relatively small amount of spare money, while just taking a complete break from school for like a year it would legitimately make me feel so fucking good, and it'd make it so easy for me to later go back to school, unfuck my education, and get a job. and really just be a normal person

My best friend, a cat named Puss Puss, died today after having a seizure and I had to work out the logistics of folding a dead cat to fit into a shoebox because the only container we had was just too small. I hope nobody here ever has to do that because this is the lowest I've felt since I was suicidal. (which I am in no way right now for those concerned, I have built a strong network of friends that give me plenty to live for)

I don't get relationships. I hate them, I really fucking hate them but it's just dragging me in with some strong shit. It's time I say it; she's the best person I've encountered in five years. She's full of nothing but heart and lately she's been going through some shit with her ex and it feels like it's stabbing me in the heart. I just wish I could drink or smoke all this off, because this shit is tearing every piece of emotional parts I have. How do I stand this? I want to cry. There's nothing I can do. I've tried everything.

Had a horrible fucking year but things are finally good again. It's nice to be back on top of things.

I have winter break since this friday, I got so overwhelmed with school work last week that I completely shut down, slept and didn't go to school, only in retrospect I'm realizing there was nothing to hide from, I could have cooled down and cleared my mind and then turned the assignments in late. And the last day was just eating breakfast and cookies in class anyway. My mind was really cloudy, damn. Does anyone else feel like they are really "out of character" so to speak, when you feel down? [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Booker K;53001008]Every year before Christmas, I get into a serious argument between my mother over family drama that I choose to stay out of because frankly I'm tired of being in the middle and having to pick sides over which part of my family is in the right. This year, I received a letter from my grandmother, who my mom hates, and she took it from me and refused to let me see what the letter said. We got into a quarrel and when I tried to take back the letter, she threatened to kick me out of the house and call the police. I told her she was being terrible to me, and she left it as "Pack your shit up then, expect nothing out of me this Christmas, you can go back to California, asshole." I talked to my step dad about the current situation and he understood and would be showing up to help resolve the situation. Even if he does manage to convince my mom to keep me around, I still don't feel safe in this household. I don't want to move back to California, yet I feel like I should move out as soon as possible if I can't come to good terms with my mom any time soon. I have a few friends who live with roommates in Boise, and I'm considering asking for a room so I can just get away from my mother for a while without moving back to Cali. I'm just so sick of all this crap, I don't deserve to be in the middle of all this prolonged drama between parts of my family I'm not even associated with.[/QUOTE] I'm majorly projecting my own experiences here but here is what I thought. Not letting you read that letter is coming from a completely egoistic standpoint, and then the with a lack of empathy on her side to your pleading makes me think that your mom has a problem. I once dealt with someone like that for years but I left that behind and shut the door on it, there is no point in pursuing a relationship with someone ruthless that cannot relate to it, who cannot be helped. I'm simply not going to expose myself to it anymore, even if that means cutting myself off from family, it is purely toxic to my well-being.

[QUOTE=Yoke;53001470]I don't get relationships. I hate them, I really fucking hate them but it's just dragging me in with some strong shit. It's time I say it; she's the best person I've encountered in five years. She's full of nothing but heart and lately she's been going through some shit with her ex and it feels like it's stabbing me in the heart. I just wish I could drink or smoke all this off, because this shit is tearing every piece of emotional parts I have. How do I stand this? I want to cry. There's nothing I can do. I've tried everything.[/QUOTE] She went back to the same dude that did this. She told me and that's when I said fuck it. I'm oddly calm and collected. No anger or depression, or being hurt. Glad I just saw what kind of a person she is. Merry Christmas. [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] Here's some feels for you if you're not feeling shit already. I said I love you once, she laughed. I charged my phone all day just to talk to her at night, which we would be doing. She left. She told me she'll never go back into the same relationship with him. She did.

The urge to self-harm is so strong right now, but I can't, not right before Christmas, I don't want to put my family through that, it's like a static that just constantly grows louder and louder, I just want it to go away, I just want to silence it. I just want to do it and get it over with, but I can't, I made a promise to her, and to my family that I wouldn't do it. Not again.

[QUOTE=Reyjr43;53002238]The urge to self-harm is so strong right now, but I can't, not right before Christmas, I don't want to put my family through that, it's like a static that just constantly grows louder and louder, I just want it to go away, I just want to silence it. I just want to do it and get it over with, but I can't, I made a promise to her, and to my family that I wouldn't do it. Not again.[/QUOTE] This is terrible! I'm happy to hear you're sharing these thoughts, even though they are painful to deal with. Based on what I've experienced, if I were you, the advice I'd have liked to have heard would have been to enjoy the moments with your fam instead of being so uptight about the shit you're going through or have gone through, or suspicious or how ever you might resort to feeling. You're meant to rewrite your brain and where you come doesn't sound so nice, so wherever you may have come from, accept that it happened, you were hurt, and believe you're worth it to yourself so you can make it change. You don't need your illness--Tell it to stay behind because you're worth it and deserve yourself, and others deserve you. I dunno... I hope that cheers you up. That would've cheered me up.

[QUOTE=Dan The Man;53000003]That's great to hear. SSRIs will dampen both good and bad moods. In fact, I mentioned that a few pages ago, I think. :) It's a shitty side effect, unfortunately.[/QUOTE] I think I'm getting used to it, cheers. things are way better right now. in other news I'm realising that the reason I'm fuckin' unhappy is because I've stopped trying my best and my work was suffering. so in 2018 I'm going to give 100% all the damn time. I finished the writing I was meant to do yesterday and am going to put some serious effort into 2018 it's like someone said on the last page: if you're not putting your heart and soul into something worthwhile, it's barely ever possible to feel happy or fulfilled. for me I think happiness is kind of an emergent thing that just happens when I feel like I'm doing my best

can self harm be things like, banging your head against the wall? or slapping yourself, like hard in the face it never occurred to me that those might be classed as self harm, I just had this one idea of self harm = cutting and i've realised this isn't necessarily the case. I used to do those a lot when I was a teenager

[QUOTE=Turnips5;53002601]can self harm be things like, banging your head against the wall? or slapping yourself, like hard in the face it never occurred to me that those might be classed as self harm, I just had this one idea of self harm = cutting and i've realised this isn't necessarily the case. I used to do those a lot when I was a teenager[/QUOTE] Oh totally. Like im very afraid of getting cut with a blade so i burn myself all the time for cathartic release. [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Im have very minimal family and i just dont like spending that kind of time, and my friends are all busy enjoying their holiday. Winter is lonely and bitter and sad and thats how it ought to be, all the festivities just make it worse.

I fucking hate the holidays I hate the family gatherings where everyone else is happy and I'm fucking anxious, disrespected and the one 'ruining' shit. They all know how I fucking am about large gatherings and photos why fucking tell me to come and then complain fuck I have nobody I can even confide in or complain or vent to real life or online fuck fuck fuck I just want the holiday season to be over already

I remember reading somewhere that children supposedly imprint what they believe a relationship is like based on what kind of relationship their parents had with each other, do you guys think there's any truth to that? Even as a kid, I never thought my parents were the template, but lately I've been thinking a lot about this.

My friend group has become a cesspit that I'm getting out of. It's full of toxic people and co-dependence. The holidays are almost over and the winter will be a convenient excuse to be distant. It's going to hurt but staying is not a healthy option. Being involved is going to cause me more anguish in the long run. Wish me luck.

[QUOTE=Ardosos;53003607]I remember reading somewhere that children supposedly imprint what they believe a relationship is like based on what kind of relationship their parents had with each other, do you guys think there's any truth to that? Even as a kid, I never thought my parents were the template, but lately I've been thinking a lot about this.[/QUOTE] I'm not sure it means that people think that a relationship should be or is by default 1:1 exactly like their parents, but it's likely the biggest point of reference we have. But as children, I guess it's only nattural to believe the only relationship we've seen to be normal, but as our world and experiences increase in size it's likely we grow out of it. The big problem comes with smaller communities where one bad relationship could lead to the children normalising abuse and that spreading until you get that island where everyone was a child molester... Don't let anyone tell you that closing your community off from the world entirely solves any problem. They most likely want to control you.

I want to play with my friends or talk to them but I can't bring myself to ask them. It's not like we're in bad terms or anything, I just don't want to be the one to always have to say something to make them play with me. How hard is it to invite me to play? It's not like we don't have fun when we do or that they only play alone. It seems like I'm not an option to them. Same with talking, I always have to be the one to initiate conversations. I want to talk with people but It's horrible always being the one send the first message. It was way easier when school was still going, at least that way I could talk to them most days. Thinking back though, even in school, most of the times it was me who asked them to play. I just want this year to be over so I can have things to do outside in summer.

[QUOTE=Booker K;53003688]This is just from my experience, but it's a lot easier done than said. You will probably feel resentment for a while afterwards, and they may try to beg you to come back, but it would be in your best interest to evade them so they don't drag you back into their group and the cycle repeats itself.[/QUOTE] This is very good advice. Thank you. I had some experience with that already and fell into that trap once, maybe twice now. If people want me in their lives as much as they seem to then they can just come visit me. Honestly. There's a lot I could detail but it's honestly kind of embarrassing, both in how I and others have acted. It's all so fucked up and petty.

i have no one to spend christmas with and this my second time do so

[QUOTE=mastfire;53003896]i have no one to spend christmas with and this my second time do so[/QUOTE] It's a difficult time, but it's mostly because of pressure from society. Once you are aware of that, doing your own thing becomes more personal and inspiring rather than feeling like you are the odd one out in a sea of happy Christmas'eers. Avoiding social media might be a good time for that, since that's where the myth of happy Christmas is sold these days. [editline]25th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Yoke;53002007]She went back to the same dude that did this. She told me and that's when I said fuck it. I'm oddly calm and collected. No anger or depression, or being hurt. Glad I just saw what kind of a person she is. Merry Christmas. [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] Here's some feels for you if you're not feeling shit already. I said I love you once, she laughed. I charged my phone all day just to talk to her at night, which we would be doing. She left. She told me she'll never go back into the same relationship with him. She did.[/QUOTE] We sometimes fall for the wrong person, seeing them for their good parts only, ignoring their faults. It's a very painful experience, but in the end, something to learn from. You seem to have arrived to a point where your body and mind just can't take the abuse anymore and the facade has broken. Hopefully you are going to be aware of your emotions more clearly now towards this person :) As for the rest of the things, we put up expectations for the person we love, mostly to love us back. When those aren't met, we experience terrible pain. We do things in expectation that this will help us be loved by them, but when that doesn't work, more pain. We expect the person to be rational and collected, but life is not always like this. Nobody is perfect, not even the person we're in love with. The best option is to change your view on this relationship, manage your expectations and don't let yourself fall for the "If I do this thing, she'll definitely love me" kind of thinking. Try to think of her as a person with her own likes and dislikes, try to imagine someone doing this to you and expecting you to love them, but you just don't feel that way. TL;DR I'm glad you've arrived at a sort of conclusion to your situation. People are weird and loving without being loved is painful, but is that actually love? Or is it just some selfish desire for closeness?

I posted about having the flu about like 3 weeks ago. I had a blood and urine test done about 2 weeks ago and apparently my white blood cell count in my blood was 3 times above the normal amount and the white blood cell count in my urine was 10 times above the normal amount. The flu lasted throughout finals and despite surviving through them, I didn't vomit. There were also traces of blood in my urine which could mean anything, and traces of calcium which means kidney stones. I still have whatever is affecting me, however it's not as bad as before.

[QUOTE=Yoke;53002007]She went back to the same dude that did this. She told me and that's when I said fuck it. I'm oddly calm and collected. No anger or depression, or being hurt. Glad I just saw what kind of a person she is. Merry Christmas. [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] Here's some feels for you if you're not feeling shit already. I said I love you once, she laughed. I charged my phone all day just to talk to her at night, which we would be doing. She left. She told me she'll never go back into the same relationship with him. She did.[/QUOTE] You don't get a choice in who you fall for. You did nothing wrong and were very brave for telling her how you felt. I know because I've went through the same shit these past months. Almost the exact same shit. You're not angry now, but it'll come. It's normal. It's going to suck for a long time but it'll slowly get better.

[QUOTE=No Party Hats;53002797]Oh totally. Like im very afraid of getting cut with a blade so i burn myself all the time for cathartic release. [editline]24th December 2017[/editline] Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Im have very minimal family and i just dont like spending that kind of time, and my friends are all busy enjoying their holiday. Winter is lonely and bitter and sad and thats how it ought to be, all the festivities just make it worse.[/QUOTE] Burning is incredibly painful so I've always avoided it, I cut my wrists (hehe attention xD) but never draw blood intentionally, I just like the release and the look of it, but can't afford to have any more scars on my arms, when I first started getting help back in April, I had to count my wounds with my psychologist and I had over 60 fresh wounds on my arms alone, when I relapsed a few weeks ago I didn't go over 8, I cut because it's easy to clean, less dangerous than a burn, and easier to hide, but harder to excuse than burns. Christmas hasn't been the same for me since my father died and then my family fell apart a few years after, what is left of it is judgmental and they make me feel very alienated from the rest of them, just Holidays that exist to celebrate me being alone every year.

it sure feels good having literallly every single part of my life reminding me of how im clearly not supposed to be a normal person [editline]26th December 2017[/editline] i am so angry

so like my school practically abused me. for years. completely ruining my teenage years, leaving me severely depressed and just emotionally broken. my life has basically been entirely ruined for one third of the 16 years ive been alive. so, theres just a part of me that throws me into an absolute deadlock whenever i try doing schoolwork. even really simple work. i still dont know why. because of that, for around 3 years, despite seeing me constantly break down into screaming in sight of my classmates, running away, hiding under a staircase, locking myself into bathrooms, [b]despite warnings from psychriatic professionals,[/b] my school kept pushing me to do schoolwork. i would end up screaming at my teachers very regularly, often in front of classmates, for years, without getting to take a break. even when i got to take a [i]"break",[/i] like being in a room just outside our regular classroom, it was still stressful. i didnt get to properly calm down in a relaxed environment, completely out of sight of my classmates, without any pressure of any kind. at one point, a teacher's assistant pulled me, kicking and screaming, in sight of my class, out of our classroom in an attempt to make me do something very forgettable outside. it was so forgettable that i really cant remember what it was, and they thought pulling me like that was a good idea? you'd think, at some point, that they were [i]just maybe[/i] forcing me through an unbearable amount of stress, potentially ruining my life. but it didnt at any point seem like anyone thought so at all. throughout all of it, i legitimately didnt get any helpful emotional support. at all. the closest i got was the honestly empty support from my mother (not that i blame her for anything) a complete carelessness from my father, and a complete deadlock when i talked to psychiatrists and other professionals. even now, ive still been [i]completely on my own,[/i] thinking about the honestly repulsive things i went through. instead of preparing me for life, leading me onto an alright path, my experience with my country's school system left me with severe depression, a complete lack of emotions, and very little hope that im going to have something even barely resembling a regular life in the foreseeable future. i am so fucking angry.

[QUOTE=cynaraos;53005758]so like my school practically abused me. for years. completely ruining my teenage years, leaving me severely depressed and just emotionally broken. my life has basically been entirely ruined for one third of the 16 years ive been alive. so, theres just a part of me that throws me into an absolute deadlock whenever i try doing schoolwork. even really simple work. i still dont know why. because of that, for around 3 years, despite seeing me constantly break down into screaming in sight of my classmates, running away, hiding under a staircase, locking myself into bathrooms, [b]despite warnings from psychriatic professionals,[/b] my school kept pushing me to do schoolwork. i would end up screaming at my teachers very regularly, often in front of classmates, for years, without getting to take a break. even when i got to take a [i]"break",[/i] like being in a room just outside our regular classroom, it was still stressful. i didnt get to properly calm down in a relaxed environment, completely out of sight of my classmates, without any pressure of any kind. at one point, a teacher's assistant pulled me, kicking and screaming, in sight of my class, out of our classroom in an attempt to make me do something very forgettable outside. it was so forgettable that i really cant remember what it was, and they thought pulling me like that was a good idea? you'd think, at some point, that they were [i]just maybe[/i] forcing me through an unbearable amount of stress, potentially ruining my life. but it didnt at any point seem like anyone thought so at all. throughout all of it, i legitimately didnt get any helpful emotional support. at all. the closest i got was the honestly empty support from my mother (not that i blame her for anything) a complete carelessness from my father, and a complete deadlock when i talked to psychiatrists and other professionals. even now, ive still been [i]completely on my own,[/i] thinking about the honestly repulsive things i went through. instead of preparing me for life, leading me onto an alright path, my experience with my country's school system left me with severe depression, a complete lack of emotions, and very little hope that im going to have something even barely resembling a regular life in the foreseeable future. i am so fucking angry.[/QUOTE] I had school phobia for 3 years (UK Year 8-11) due to some bad experiences at my old one, I practically didn't go to school for a good amount of that, my parents thought it would be a good idea to move me to a different school, I burst out crying on the first day, which as you can imagine didn't help my social standing. In regards to the parent front, I know what it's like having a dad that doesn't understand, my parents were living apart (halfway across the world in fact) by the time this happened, when I did see my dad I got called weak, pathetic etc, almost every single time I saw him I'd end up having to "go to the toilet" just to cope. Anyway, that was to show I sort of know how it feels, my school were barely angels (one of them was the reason that it got started in the first place), I'm now semi-well adjusted, I completely failed my GCSEs due to my own carelessness, but I'm living a semi-normal life, got a Job I half enjoy, planning to join the Army next Year or the one Afterwards. What I'm trying to say is that even if you feel like shit now, it gets better, it won't be immediate, and the ghosts of it will sometimes crop up, but it ultimately moulds you into a better person. Mind if I ask what country you are in? If it's the UK I might be able to offer some advice, and if you ever want someone to rant to privately just send me a PM.

I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to change into the person I want to be.

I think I might have bigger problems with ADHD than I previously thought. After visiting the doctor and remembering that my psychologist diagnosed me as most likely if not totally having it years ago, I haven't really thought about it much, I was just glad I didn't have aspergers. But thinking about how much I struggle to edit videos, or sit down and draw, or apply for jobs, or even play a game for a long time, I'm wondering that I might have some pretty severe attention span problems. I want to look in to it more and maybe try medication for it.

[QUOTE=Paincake;53006419]I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to change into the person I want to be.[/QUOTE] Pretend to be that person until you eventually become them.