Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Not really a [I]depression [/I]thing necessarily but I came to the realization today that the only reason I keep going to my psychologist is because I love talking to him about stuff, not because I really need it. I guess it's a good thing.

Im going to keep fighting regardless of what anyone says. I can be a better person than whats percieved of me and anyone who tries to hold me back is going to get left in the dirt. Im tired of being a victim of my own mental torture. Im tired of dragging other people into it. For fucks sakes im Dylan goddamn Knowlton and I'm better than that.

[QUOTE=mastfire;53003896]i have no one to spend christmas with and this my second time do so[/QUOTE] Aww, I am sorry dude. It is one of the times that I often get down too, although I will say that this year has actually been fantastic on that front, and I really enjoyed myself, so it *is* possible to reverse fate on this stuff. :)

I'm miserable and alone. Happy holidays.

[QUOTE=Citizen Insane;53006774]I'm miserable and alone. Happy holidays.[/QUOTE] Alone, we are together. Im amazed how we all share the same views on the Holidays, im very much the odd one out in my friend group with my total lack of care for Christmas Halloween is the apex holiday

I feel miserable and lonely enough as it is, it being the holidays just makes things worse. The only friends I have are locked away behind a computer screen. Despite my family's efforts to get closer to me, I only feel further and further distanced from them. I don't have a girlfriend, haven't had one for 5 years. I don't really have anyone to talk to that isn't social worker of some kind. I hate the way I look I hate the way I sound I hate the way I act I hate the way I think I hate the way I feel and I hate the way all that eats at me every single day. I've had 7 years of therapy for something that wasn't even there. Now I've started all over and I already feel like I'm not going to reach anything. Yet another year has gone by and I still have not accomplished anything or gotten anywhere. My life's still as much of a mess as it's always been. I'm just so tired of living and any motivation I've had to continue is slowly slipping away.

[QUOTE=Paincake;53006419]I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to change into the person I want to be.[/QUOTE] I've been thinking like that a lot these past couple months. I figure, while I'll never be the person that I want to be, I can still get closer to that than I am now. There can still be improvement.

[QUOTE=Paincake;53006419]I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to change into the person I want to be.[/QUOTE] I thought the same, and look where I am now. Listen, life can be very shitty and a lot of unexpected and just plain unwanted things can happen, but no matter what you just gotta keep on trucking. We may not become rich and famous but we might atleast live happy, fulfilling lives many years down the line. What matters in the end is the difference you make in somebody else's life. If you want something and don't get it, maybe it just wasn't meant to happen at the time, and if you can't do it again, open your mind for a new opportunity since you weren't meant to have/do that anyway. Give yourself time to get over it and just keep going forward, and someday you'll be glad you did. Never forget that giving up should not be on the table for any reason unless you've done all you can in a situation, at which point you bow out gracefully and find something else to do. [editline]27th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Ardosos;53006987]I've been thinking like that a lot these past couple months. I figure, while I'll never be the person that I want to be, I can still get closer to that than I am now. There can still be improvement.[/QUOTE] Always better to set lofty goals because even if you don't reach the stars, you might still land on the moon :v:

Another night, another nightmare about my ex and the shit she's done to me. It happens literally every night. Doesn't matter if I had a bad day, or a good day, or even if I thought about her that day at all. Without fail, I fall asleep and have a nightmare about her [I]every single time.[/I]

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;53007231]Another night, another nightmare about my ex and the shit she's done to me. It happens literally every night. Doesn't matter if I had a bad day, or a good day, or even if I thought about her that day at all. Without fail, I fall asleep and have a nightmare about her [I]every single time.[/I][/QUOTE] I've had several of those nights man and they steadily get better. It's usually just a brief moment where I wake up and then back to sleep. Your mind has to process this stuff. Talk to more people about her. I've had someone I've called just about every two weeks to vent to with my problems. [editline]26th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Citizen Insane;53006841]I feel miserable and lonely enough as it is, it being the holidays just makes things worse. The only friends I have are locked away behind a computer screen. Despite my family's efforts to get closer to me, I only feel further and further distanced from them. I don't have a girlfriend, haven't had one for 5 years. I don't really have anyone to talk to that isn't social worker of some kind. I hate the way I look I hate the way I sound I hate the way I act I hate the way I think I hate the way I feel and I hate the way all that eats at me every single day. I've had 7 years of therapy for something that wasn't even there. Now I've started all over and I already feel like I'm not going to reach anything. Yet another year has gone by and I still have not accomplished anything or gotten anywhere. My life's still as much of a mess as it's always been. I'm just so tired of living and any motivation I've had to continue is slowly slipping away.[/QUOTE] It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and the fact that you wake up every day and face it is very admirable and strong. I don't think you should hate that part of yourself. Do you work? Picking up a part time position can do wonders since it gives you a distraction and a bit of spending money. I hated myself more when I just sat in my chair rotting. Warehouse work is good. Packing boxes or moving stuff. Keeps you away from the shitty public.

[QUOTE=The golden;53007496]Love this attitude. Grab life by the throat and kick its ass. You can do it![/QUOTE] this is gonna be my attitude entering 2018 i've got a ridiculous amount of potential in my life and right now i'm squandering it [editline]27th December 2017[/editline] i need to go back to discipline

[QUOTE=Archimedes;53007454]I've had several of those nights man and they steadily get better. It's usually just a brief moment where I wake up and then back to sleep. Your mind has to process this stuff. Talk to more people about her. I've had someone I've called just about every two weeks to vent to with my problems.[/QUOTE] I do have a friend who I'm really glad to have because she's had so much patience in helping me with my problems for the past half year as our relationship fell apart and trying to help me recover after but venting doesn't seem to really help. I do better most days than I used to but I still have the nightmares.

[QUOTE=Booker K;53008028]Once as soon as it's 2018, I'm going to try and shape a new leaf and pick back up on everything I should have done. This year I thought I could do more once as soon as I settled with a job, instead I lost 3 jobs, now holding onto a part time job as a cashier, and all the struggling had further encouraged my laziness to do anything productive in my free time. I didn't go to college at all this year because I saved next to nothing and wasn't very responsible having any self control with my money, I'm looking to go back hopefully before Spring semester starts, even if I only saved enough to go part time. I'll also need to progress through my hobbies more frequently so they can benefit me later. I'm an artist, but I barely had the motivation to pick up my pencil and start sketching. I'm in a band sort of, and haven't practiced a whole lot on my instruments. And I meant to be physically productive again and join a gym, instead I've sat on my ass every opportunity I was home, and weight gaining is starting to catch up to me. This whole year for me has just been nothing but inactivity, bitterness, and sorrow, and it's both physically and mentally unhealthy. I need to start fresh so I don't look back when I'm in my 30s or something and think about how I should have done better while I had the opportunity. Even if I've thought the same once I entered adulthood after high school, I've still barely made it through my 20s so far, it's never too late for me to try again and keep moving forward with what progress I've already made. I'm still unsure if I want to move out this year though. One of my friends is getting his own place in March and he can reserve a room for me, but I don't think I'm prepared, especially financially. I still also have to get myself a driver's permit so I can be able operate a vehicle, that's on my list of things to do this year as well, I can't always get around on foot.[/QUOTE] More or less I could sum up this year in a similar fashion, but not only that the treatment I have for SNRI works well, but I also managed to land a job in a city nearby doing what I enjoy most: Unity programmer. Not only that, but because they were so impressed by my CV and portfolio, they hired me on a senior position. I couldn't believe it at first, but I was extremely happy, because all that suffering this year wasn't in vain after all. I will be able to find a rent there as soon as I get my paycheck, fix up my remaining teeth issues and start taking care of myself and start going out more, since that city is filled with many great pubs and hangouts. Being at a metal concert a month ago realized how fucking much I missed going out and just enjoy the moment with other metalheads. I fucking need that to fuel myself and I'm really excited for the next year. I feel like nothing is going to take me down and grab life by its throat as hard as I can as No Party Hats stated! I never felt this happy about achieving something this big in life, it's going to be a fantastic year! I still fight with the occassional loneliness where I feel down and just want to hang out but everyone is busy, but hopefully it'll pass once I begin my job and start going out there. Can't wait to meet my team at work too, we're going to have so much fun there! I think I'll hold off dating for a while, since it might be a small cause for bringing depression into gear from time to time, but there's no real hurry to that now. I want to feel great about myself and everything without the need for happiness from someone else. So all in all, it's going to be good.

I wish I had someone who could tell me what to do. I know what I should do, but left to my own devices my depression, procrastination and laziness keeps me from doing it. A lot of times, I don't even think to do the things I ought to be doing, or it's always tomorrow. But it's always easy to tell someone ELSE what they should do because when you look at someone who's not-you it's much easier to be logical about what they ought to be doing. I know it's not a realistic desire but it's just, I can't help but think that if other people just picked for me or I could run my body like a machine and just assign my body to do tasks without being bogged down by the bullshit like depression, and being tired, then it feels like life would be so much easier.

I always want to post something but I end up seeing no point of it. Talking has never helped me feel better.

im feeling such intense despair [I]everything[/I] is so uncomfortable

i cant even distract myself by playing video games, which is really my only good distraction, without being reminded that my computer runs my favorite games terribly and that i wont afford a significant upgrade for a [i]looooong[/i] time

She would've been 26 today. Probably the only birthday other than mine I remembered. My selfish ass. She was great. We had so much in common, and so much in contrast. One of the brightest people I ever knew. As beautiful as she was smart, too. She would've been 26 today. goddamnit.

It's different without her. I've been lonely for the past week and no-one else seems to fit the bill like she did.

They want me to stay but I don't want to stay. That's the important part. It's going to make me more miserable if I stay. It's not what I want.

Honestly, do I deserve to transition? Or be happy at all? I can't really pick out anything I've done for anybody other than me in a long-ass time, I'm a horribly, disgustingly selfish person that drags down everybody around me I should really just stop trying

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;53010660]Honestly, do I deserve to transition? Or be happy at all? I can't really pick out anything I've done for anybody other than me in a long-ass time, I'm a horribly, disgustingly selfish person that drags down everybody around me I should really just stop trying[/QUOTE] Even considering the possibility of having acted selfishly, and feeling guilty about it, puts you above the truly selfish people that don't think of that at all. Everyone deserves to be happy, as long as it's not at the expense of the happiness of others.

I'm ready to die. I think I'm just gonna ask for a pban from here and then see where it goes

[QUOTE=milktree;53011380]I'm ready to die. I think I'm just gonna ask for a pban from here and then see where it goes[/QUOTE] But if you get permabanned I won't get the pleasure of seeing those titties every single day.

I don't think I'll ever deserve to transition, too much of my awfulness is just who I am.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;53011396]Why, if you don't mind me asking?[/QUOTE] I feel like I don't fit it in here anymore. I feel like I don't fit in at a lot of places. I've kind of felt that way a lot, especially back in high school. it might sound like I'm an archetype anti social guy, but I haven't really found anyone like me yet. I'm a Marine so people expect me to be sort of gung-ho when in reality I'm just a quiet guy. I find it hard to relate to regular people a lot because I feel like they don't understand the things I've done or what I'm capable of. you're probably going to suggest that I seek out other military members, but it isn't that simple when less than 1% serves. plus I want friends outside of the military too. I guess I'm just given up on myself recently and lost hope.

this isn't the first time I've felt suicidal unfortunately. last time I talked about it I was placed in this in-patient psychiatric hospital which wasn't a bad experience but the cost was absolutely insane. I don't want that to happen again.

My illness has gotten better but worse. Did another urine test and they found nothing of note, they also did a special breath test and they found nothing of note attached with a paragraph disclaimer saying that there's a less than 5% chance of there being a false negative for stomach ulcers. There's now gut pain on top of the nausea. The pain only occurs when I eat or drink anything including water, the nausea is just generally there at all times. Lot of croaking up gas. I'm taking medicine to reduce stomach acid so hopefully that helps in the future. There's also cases of random bursts pain and random reduction of pain after eating. The human body is weird.

Some days you just feel like shit, you know? Last night I wanted to go out to a bar with someone. Most of my friends were at a different party. One friend declined, giving me the same bull crap reason as the last time I asked her if she wanted to hang out, while two other girls cancelled after saying they'd love to go. I sound like such a loser but it feels bad. Even if their reasons were legit it still hurts. Some days you just feel like shit, you know.

Do you guys feel like the last several years sort of blended together? I accidentally wrote the date as 2012 the other day, and I wasn't even surprised. That's what it feels like to me. It's all just the same year.