Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Ziks;53010685]Everyone deserves to be happy, as long as it's not at the expense of the happiness of others.[/QUOTE] Robin Williams said something like this. "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that." It's something that has been in my mind because that's what has been happening these past few weeks. [editline]28th December 2017[/editline] I feel played, though. I was there when she needed someone to talk about her troubles. But she doesn't want to be there when I need someone to talk about my troubles. I guess she's not so worth it after all. I hate attractions.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;53010660]Honestly, do I deserve to transition? Or be happy at all? I can't really pick out anything I've done for anybody other than me in a long-ass time, I'm a horribly, disgustingly selfish person that drags down everybody around me I should really just stop trying[/QUOTE] You helped a buncha peeps with your question thread on new punch, any guilt you have is misplaced imo. So you've done something in the past and felt guilty for it and now project that guilt elsewhere. First off there is no point in letting guilt eat you, whatever you feel guilty about is in the past, it's now immutable, so don't let it ruin the present or future. Secondly most of the time guilt is "invalid" anyway, theres no shame in looking after yourself, and sometimes you need more looking after than other times. You'd seek to "pour from your cup" but if your cup is empty from self negligence you cannot pour from it, so look after yourself. Don't stop trying to help people but do stop punishing yourself for no reason and do stop feeling guilty about helping yourself.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;53010660]Honestly, do I deserve to transition? Or be happy at all? I can't really pick out anything I've done for anybody other than me in a long-ass time, I'm a horribly, disgustingly selfish person that drags down everybody around me I should really just stop trying[/QUOTE] I'm racked with guilt sometimes over the things that I've done in the past to people and the reality is that most people are because most people will have wronged another person in their life at some point. Maybe even a lot of people. Unfortunately, there is no time machine that allows you to go back and fix your past mistakes. If I could go back 6 years and do it all again I'd be on top of the world right now. What you [I]can[/I] do, all you can do really, is do better starting now. Treat people better, maybe do something nice for somebody or help someone in some way, do something that justifies your existence, whether it's helping people or creating something like art. And what you should [I]definitely[/I] do is transition. There is no 'deserving' transition, if you need it, you should start. Transitioning will make you more empathetic and emotional to other people which sounds like something you'd be interested in anyway. Either way, how can anyone expect you to be the best person you can be when you're struggling with untreated mental issues? There is no arbiter that decides who deserves what, or some God expecting you to suffer. Ultimately you can lay around and be a sad sack and the world will be wholly indifferent to your struggling. Letting yourself sink in to depression and be miserable is something you decide for yourself. And of course, it's not as easy as cheering up, but giving up and letting it just happen isn't going to do anything for anyone, if anything it'll just drag down everyone around you which is exactly what you don't want, and if you isolate yourself that'll just hurt you which benefits nobody either. And eventually you'll regret that you sat around moping so long instead of making things better for yourself. So try to make things better for yourself. Try to make yourself happy and leave a positive mark on the planet even if that just means making someone else a little happier from your presence. There is no reason not to.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;53013177] Unfortunately, there is no time machine that allows you to go back and fix your past mistakes. If I could go back 6 years and do it all again I'd be on top of the world right now. [/QUOTE] Good advice but this part imo is off, best to not even go there. I have the same thing, often I think back and try to work out "where I went wrong", like if there was a time machine where would I go back to, to "fix me". It's self inflicted torture, denying yourself happiness by predicating it on something you'll never attain (time machine, being taller, being older, being younger, being smarter, being sexier). Easier said than done mind you.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;53013436]Good advice but this part imo is off, best to not even go there. I have the same thing, often I think back and try to work out "where I went wrong", like if there was a time machine where would I go back to, to "fix me". It's self inflicted torture, denying yourself happiness by predicating it on something you'll never attain (time machine, being taller, being older, being younger, being smarter, being sexier). Easier said than done mind you.[/QUOTE] That's the point I was making though. As much as one might wish they had a time machine to fix all their problems it doesn't exist and can't exist so it's kind of a waste of time to spend the present thinking about what you should have done instead of doing better.

I developed a form of schizophrenia called schizoaffective disorder, depressive type (schizophrenia with symptoms of depression) back in 2013 or 2014, after a suicide attempt where I jumped in front of a car, got hit, and broke my left clavicle, some ribs, made some chips in my spine, and punctured my left lung. I had been diagnosed with ADD back in 2005 or 2006 when I was in middle school, dysthymia in about 2007 or 2008, and asperger's and bipolar disorder in my early adulthood (although only the asperger's stuck (I think)). At first I heard voices (screams) around when I was first diagnosed with schizoaffective d/o. I think I also saw things like shadows I interpretated as objects. I don't have much in the way of hallucinations anymore (I've been on anti-psychotics). Thinking about some things is confusing. I take an anti-psychotic, an anti-depressant, and 2 mood stabilizers. I've been to psyche wards/hospitals around 25 times since 2012, and once before that when I was 14. I was arrested once for battery against my stepdad after I recovered from my injuries, but was still living with my mom and him. Right now, I live in a home for the mentally ill. I've been living in institutions and group homes since 2014 when I was bouncing around cheap hotels in the area I was born and now live. I've spent a great deal of time in Chicago, because there weren't a lot of services for mental illness in this county. Right now, I have a psychiatrist I can see every week if I need and I have a therapist I see every Thursday or Friday. I think maybe the therapy has potential (with everything). It seems to be coming along so I'm trying to be patient (it's only been 4-5 weeks).

I don't think I have ever been so relieved in my life. I was originally going to spend Christmas with my partner for the first time this year, but I have been back to my old home for a little over a month now, due to my partner's mum finding out that she has a tumor in her stomach (about the size of a football, apparently :disappoint: ) But, after a battle (which seemed like an eternity) of the doctors screwing up her appointments multiple times, she has finally had her op yesterday to get that monster out of her and it turned out to be a success! :dance: They still need to find out whether it's cancer or not. But so far, everything is looking up!

Ultimately I have to confront the fact that a certain very powerful part of me does not want to get better or be happy. Which leads me to actively avoid anything at all that could lead me towards getting better. That's a roadblock I have no idea how to get through because I'm always tired and I don't even really want to. I want to be stuck like this forever even though I really don't.

I've come to realize that I've been filling my life with things that once helped me stay sane but no longer does. As my mental health has declined I've been more scared to move out of my comfortable bubble. It wasn't as big of a deal to begin with as my hobbies at the time were still challenging and still gave me something to fill my time with. Unfortunately, the longer I've stayed in my bubble the more I've outgrown everything that I once used to like. As a result, I've also stuck closer to said things in hope that it'd make me feel better. It only did the opposite. While reading up about depression and mental health, I came across some words that sound pretty accurate. It went something like this, "the more detached you are from who you want to be, the more miserable you'll be". It made me realize that the things I used to like and cherish are things I want to get away from today. I've spent all my waking hours doing the things that made me happy when I was child until I was about 15-16. Gaming and generally spending time on the internet. Slowly I've realized that this isn't who I want to be. I don't want to spend time on meaningless games or mindlessly browsing the internet for stuff which I've continued to do despite my lack of interest in either of them. Something deep inside of me has kept telling me that they'll give me comfort but that's far from the truth. It only kept me locked down. A week ago today I bought my first camera with the intention of getting into photography. I was able to get a sick deal on a camera body for just 414$ which goes for 1500$ new. Ever since, I've felt so much more at ease. In a funny way I have more energy to spare now even though I'm actively using more energy than before. This is what made me realize my thoughts above. I've spent all of my time on things I don't want to spend my time on. I've wanted for so long to separate myself from this bloody computer screen but never knew how. I've wanted to create instead of consume but the barrier of entry has always felt so overwhelming. Now things feel kind of different. Having a hobby that you enjoy seems like a very important thing which I should have realized ages ago. It makes me motivated since I finally feel kinda free from my own, made up prison. My ultimate goal is to be able to have enough things to do during the day that I won't feel the need to start up my computer anymore. I feel I have a case of internet addiction as weird as it sounds. I want to get rid of that.

Glad you've managed to find what's making you happy and unhappy. It's a surprisingly hard thing to do for some, maybe many people. Me, I'm still loving video games but I need to do more than just video games. I've recently realised one of the reasons I hated the question "what do you like to do" is that I don't really like to 'do' anything. Most of my enjoyed things are more conceptual, like watching a good film and chewing over every aspect of its storytelling and plot development. Or video games. I've never been one for 'doing' things particularly.

keep trying to open up and push myself to be healthier with social stuff and being open about my feelings and y'know I think I just keep making everything worse haha fuck this, there is a reason why bottling shit up and staying quiet works for me

Happy New Years Eve, y'all. I'm here to talk and listen to you about your problems. [url=http://steamcommunity.com/id/tenseven/]Open up to me, please.[/url]

Had a horrible nightmare. Was dragged away from a normal, peaceful dream and forced to watch two girls dancing in the woods to Living in a Box. All of a sudden one of them got ensnared in barbed wire and tree vines, then torn into the ground while screaming horribly. [b]Something[/b] looked at me, and the way it looked told me that it was telling me that my "interference" caused this. When the girl came back, she was blind and horrified. I went back to sleep, and tried to relate it to someone in the resultant dream. They laughed at me and said that it probably WAS my "interference" that caused it, but I didn't do anything. The other day I had a dream where I [I]thought[/I] I was talking to a girl from work. She was trying to get involved in relationship with me and I had to rebuke her. Only when I woke up I realized it wasn't her, but my friend, who died two years ago. Starting to wonder if madness from insomnia would be better than this.

Man I wish I had [I]a[/I] friend. In real life, just, any, just a real person to talk to and hang out with. It feels like my life is an endless loop of trying to seem like a well adjusted sociable person online when in reality I barely see anyone who isn't my own family. I am so starved for actual human contact. And everyone online I meet that's from Texas lives two fucking hours away so there's no chance of me hanging out with them either.

I don't think I'll survive another year. The only thing keeping me from ending myself is the fear of fucking up and making things worse for myself.

[QUOTE=Citizen Insane;53018305]I don't think I'll survive another year. The only thing keeping me from ending myself is the fear of fucking up and making things worse for myself.[/QUOTE] I can only stress against that. While I believe it's unto yourself whether or not you want to still live, I don't think you should end it purely because you've made mistakes. Anything you can stand up and walk away from is a lesson learned, regardless of how horrible it might make you feel there is [B]nothing[/B] you can't come back from. Redemption is not defined by those around you, but by the ability to strain against your binds and look at yourself in the mirror again. I understand it's not easy to keep falling, but taking your own life is not the way to help yourself, my friend. If you pull that ripcord, all you know is extinguished. It's not an absolution from pain, it's not serenity, it [B]is nothing[/B]. All you are, all your experiences, are gone. You are gone. Every moment you shared with someone else that nobody else was privvy to is now gone. Everything only [B]you[/B] saw, everything only [B]you[/B] did, is gone for good. It is [b]not[/b] a relief from suffering. It is the evaporation of [B]everything[/B] you were. I can't be your saviour but I can tell you, from experience, that there's no depth you can't come back from, my friend. If you are sincerely considering suicide, then please contact your local anonymous helpline such as the Samaritans or Suicide Prevention. They are [B]there[/B] to help you. You are [B]not[/B] a burden. You [B]are worth living.[/B] No matter what anyone says.

saw a video of a bunch of my friends hanging out relatively near me for new years eve that i wasnt invited to i don't really have anyone else to blame but myself. i keep pushing people away with my paranoia and anxiety and i just keep having a nagging voice telling me dead people dont have to deal with these feelings

Happy 2018 and don't kill yourself because i love you

Alone again on NYE and I'm okay with that, I'm content with being alone now. I hope you all have a good New Years, take care of yourselves and lets all leave the bad past that is 2017 as nothing more than that, past, 2018 will be a new year, and it'll be a better one. :cat:

-snip-

How am I meant to make NY resolutions, when the things holding me back will never get better? :saddowns:

Slept through till after 12 am. Thought I'd be bothered, I really wanted to do a symbolic thing and be exercising when the clock struck 12. But honestly, not really? If anything, I've started feeling less like it matters what I'm doing when 'the new year' hits and more like it matters what I'm doing for my life in general. I'm still gonna go out and exercise tonight, not because "New Year New Me", but because there needs to be a new me no matter what day it is.

so this might be my last post. I know its my first post in this thread but ive been reading it for a long time and this advice really does mean a lot to me. and this site. Just wanna thank u guys for everything. Dont do what im pretty sure im about to do. I know a lot of you people and you really dont deserve to feel like this. Idk if anybody, beyond some kinda passing concern, really reads into this stuff but shit this thread has gotten me through a lot. Im sorry that it couldnt do that up to now. I shouldve posted before. I dont know if I'll see these replies. Wonder how much of this is even worth saying with how many people feel like I do and never really come to a solution. Theres no way to know if you're a good person, right? Past a superficial level. strangers telling you not to do it. some friendly ratings. If you're a bad influence to the people around you. if you'll ever be happy without having to redefine what that means. The people 30 years older than me and still unfulfilled, unhappy, and too afraid to end it. I spent a long time thinking of what would make me different from ending up like that. the only thing I could really find was that I'm not afraid of death. I wish i was. I wish it wasn't a solution and I could redefine my happiness to be something else, compromise maybe, or at least go into denial about what I really want, and I'm [i]totally[/i] happy with what I have and don't need human contact or anything. I guess im not strong enough of a person to change. if strength is what it comes to. Being isolated from the world sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone about this (or anything else) until after it's too late. Once things like therapy are gone and didn't help, and you kinda start to realize you're out of options.. not a good feeling. Im sorry I didn't do more to help. I just want someone to hear this and reassure me that what I'm feeling is [i]real[/i] somehow, not just in my head, but I guess I know validation won't change anything. Reading this thread just wasn't enough. Maybe I needed some kind of external change. If that never came.. then idk what. If people actually read these: ever want to just change as a person, fundamentally? How do you do that if you've only ever been yourself? If you wake up and do the same thing every day, how do you expect anything to be different? I guess most importantly, if you have an opportunity to [i]do[/i] something different, how do you know you won't go back to being the same person as soon as it ends? It just feels pointless. Those kind of opportunities belong to someone who's a better person than I am. Im sorry I didn't do more for this place. i'll miss it. peace out

[QUOTE=TurtleeyFP;53020231]text[/QUOTE] I'll try to give some thoughts about parts of this post to the best of my ability. Hope you're gonna be here to read it. [QUOTE]Wonder how much of this is even worth saying with how many people feel like I do and never really come to a solution. [/QUOTE] There is no solution. Life is a struggle, and it never stops being a struggle. Internalizing this and remembering it when I feel down helps me keep my mind straight. Every person has their own individual struggle, but it's not a disease, not something wrong. There's nothing there to fix. We eternally try to push the boulder up the hill, and it will always come down, and we'll be right back down to push it up again. This isn't a mistake on our part, it's the nature of our existence. [QUOTE]Theres no way to know if you're a good person, right? Past a superficial level. strangers telling you not to do it. some friendly ratings. If you're a bad influence to the people around you. if you'll ever be happy without having to redefine what that means. [/QUOTE] I don't believe in good and bad people. I think we all have the capacity for both, and thus we are neither. Happiness, I think, shouldn't be a goal. Happiness is a byproduct of us living our lives, doing what we love, eating what we like, contemplating our experience (not sinking in it). Happiness isn't a binary state, and it's not something we can achieve. There is no trick or recipe for it. [QUOTE]The people 30 years older than me and still unfulfilled, unhappy, and too afraid to end it. I spent a long time thinking of what would make me different from ending up like that.[/QUOTE] You can't really know if these people are truly unfulfilled, unhappy, if they want to die but just don't have the guts to do it. Human beings are immeasurably complex. One reason I always hesitate to post in this thread replying to other people is I know that whatever picture I'm getting from any post, it's only a small glimpse of a Mariana Trench's worth of thought and emotion. I have an issue of comparing myself to others constantly, but no one is comparable to me. I strive to always look inward. [QUOTE]I wish it wasn't a solution and I could redefine my happiness to be something else, compromise maybe, or at least go into denial about what I really want, and I'm totally happy with what I have and don't need human contact or anything. I guess im not strong enough of a person to change. if strength is what it comes to.[/QUOTE] You don't have to be happy. Feeling bad, feeling unsatisfied, suffering, it's fine that you feel these things. There's nothing wrong with them. They are a part of you. If you're not ready to answer them quite yet, which is also fine, you can embrace them. Be content with your pain. We all feel pain. I wouldn't wish a painless life on anyone, it would be so dull. [QUOTE] Being isolated from the world sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.[/QUOTE] I don't know to what degree your isolation goes, but I've spent the last two years of my life mostly by myself, not really talking or meeting people beyond friends on the internet. For most of my life I was like this, a chronic loner. I used to think I'm just like this by default, but once I found company I realized how social I actually am. So I think I know what you mean, what you're feeling here. Isolation is harsh on ourselves. We only have our own voice to talk to ourselves, and it never seems to stop talking. I don't really have an answer to this, as I'm going through it myself. But without this isolation I wouldn't be who I am. It isn't time wasted on not being with other people, it's just time that was used for other purposes. Friends will be there eventually, I don't want to force anything. I don't want acquaintances. I can wait. [QUOTE]I just want someone to hear this and reassure me that what I'm feeling is real somehow, not just in my head[/QUOTE] Everything you're feeling is in your head. It's also absolutely real. If you're feeling it, it's real. There are no false emotions. It is important, though, to remember that it is in your head. That's where you need to focus your work. Not just on solving it from the outside. All the real answers are internal. [QUOTE] ever want to just change as a person, fundamentally? How do you do that if you've only ever been yourself? If you wake up and do the same thing every day, how do you expect anything to be different? I guess most importantly, if you have an opportunity to do something different, how do you know you won't go back to being the same person as soon as it ends?[/QUOTE] I sometimes fantasize about not having the issues I have. About somehow making a change in me that makes them disappear But then what would I be? I'd be someone else. I don't want to be anyone else. It won't solve my problems (nothing will), it won't make me happy (because there wouldn't be the present 'me' to be happy). I've come to love my struggles, in a way. I don't want to just lose them. There is no escape. You can't say "no, I won't push the boulder, I'll walk away". We eternally push the boulder. That's the only place we can develop from. It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering. I understand that you're thinking of suicide. I hope, if you read my post, that it helped in some way. If you pass by this thread again, feel free to hit me up on Steam for a chat if you want. Remember that it's fine to feel the way you're feeling. Even if you feel suicidal. It's fine. [url]http://steamcommunity.com/id/BertieBirdie/[/url]

[QUOTE=TurtleeyFP;53020231]so this might be my last post. I know its my first post in this thread but ive been reading it for a long time and this advice really does mean a lot to me. and this site. Just wanna thank u guys for everything. Dont do what im pretty sure im about to do. I know a lot of you people and you really dont deserve to feel like this. Idk if anybody, beyond some kinda passing concern, really reads into this stuff but shit this thread has gotten me through a lot. Im sorry that it couldnt do that up to now. I shouldve posted before. I dont know if I'll see these replies. Wonder how much of this is even worth saying with how many people feel like I do and never really come to a solution. Theres no way to know if you're a good person, right? Past a superficial level. strangers telling you not to do it. some friendly ratings. If you're a bad influence to the people around you. if you'll ever be happy without having to redefine what that means. The people 30 years older than me and still unfulfilled, unhappy, and too afraid to end it. I spent a long time thinking of what would make me different from ending up like that. the only thing I could really find was that I'm not afraid of death. I wish i was. I wish it wasn't a solution and I could redefine my happiness to be something else, compromise maybe, or at least go into denial about what I really want, and I'm [i]totally[/i] happy with what I have and don't need human contact or anything. I guess im not strong enough of a person to change. if strength is what it comes to. Being isolated from the world sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone about this (or anything else) until after it's too late. Once things like therapy are gone and didn't help, and you kinda start to realize you're out of options.. not a good feeling. Im sorry I didn't do more to help. I just want someone to hear this and reassure me that what I'm feeling is [i]real[/i] somehow, not just in my head, but I guess I know validation won't change anything. Reading this thread just wasn't enough. Maybe I needed some kind of external change. If that never came.. then idk what. If people actually read these: ever want to just change as a person, fundamentally? How do you do that if you've only ever been yourself? If you wake up and do the same thing every day, how do you expect anything to be different? I guess most importantly, if you have an opportunity to [i]do[/i] something different, how do you know you won't go back to being the same person as soon as it ends? It just feels pointless. Those kind of opportunities belong to someone who's a better person than I am. Im sorry I didn't do more for this place. i'll miss it. peace out[/QUOTE] If you're considering suicide, please don't. It's seriously not worth it. If you need someone to talk to, message me and we can talk on steam or something.

I've realized how I've barely really enjoyed playing video games since around 2013 like, I've had 'good' moments, but they haven't given me anything close to the really good feeling I got when I got into video games around 2010 to 2012 it was, like, this vivid feeling, like I was immersed in the games I played. playing video games now just feels like an empty task

[QUOTE=cynaraos;53020437]I've realized how I've barely really enjoyed playing video games since around 2013 like, I've had 'good' moments, but they haven't given me anything close to the really good feeling I got when I got into video games around 2010 to 2012 it was, like, this vivid feeling, like I was immersed in the games I played. playing video games now just feels like an empty task[/QUOTE] this but with everything

You ever been in that position? Ever had one of those days? When you're sat there with the fucking dial-tone and the only thing that can break the metronome of the ringing is the sound of your own tears rattling off the handset. your own breathing breaking the stillness with its quickening pace,. the sickening thud of your heart. no ringing in your ears, no white noise, no macabre screams, just a quiet little doot-doot tone and those sounds of increasing terror, building to a crescendo like Wagner on a bad day. like an ode to pain? You're not alone, out there on your own, on the telephone. You're never alone.

Happy New Year and all that crap! :dance: I've been home alone and content during the New Year celebrations for the past 4 or so years now. Many people in my area think there is something wrong with me, but I don't think there's [I]anything[/I] wrong with being an introvert. I tend to feel alone, bored and/or drained with large groups of people anyway, so I enjoy being alone and within my own company :happy:

This year is probably the one where I either put effort in and get better or die dying seems more likely because I cannot trust myself to take initiative i just want to look like girl