Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I long for the day I feel love and real attraction again

i feel so alone no one needs me, i have no purpose

[QUOTE=Mud;53023011]i feel so alone no one needs me, i have no purpose[/QUOTE] Here's the thing though: all of us have thought this way at some time or the other in our lives. Only the luckiest of us hasn't felt either of these three things at some point. If you feel like you have no purpose in your life, find something to make a purpose with. Often we may not know ourselves what we'd like to do without doing a bit of soul-searching. Somewhere down the line, if you stick to this purpose long enough, you'll end up knowing someone else who needs you as a person, and thus be in a position to help them out. Conversely, as for the feeling of being alone, that's something you need to try fixing by going around meeting other people. The problem with that is most of us are afraid of being rejected by others, particularly if that's happened a number of times before. Not much to do really except suck in your gut and try, because courage isn't the absence of fear: it's doing something despite how afraid you are of the potential consequences.

I'm stuck in an endless loop where I have problems because I can't ask for help and can't ask for help because of my problems. I feel so helpless.

i feel genuinely helpless. i really wish i could get out of poverty. it would be such a relief. but i have this strong feeling that there's really nothing i can do about it, especially with how depressed i am. and i feel like thats not going to change in a really long while. years. and that absolutely doesnt help with my depression.

[QUOTE=DasMatze;53023586]I'm stuck in an endless loop where I have problems because I can't ask for help and can't ask for help because of my problems. I feel so helpless.[/QUOTE] Break the cycle and ask for help. No matter how much it sucks. If you're aware this is the problem in your life accept that a burst of pain will be much less worse than drawn out misery.

my standards for happiness are way too high so I'll never be happy it's settled

I better fucking find out what's wrong with my brain vs everyone else because I swear to God I need a cure for whatever mental illness causes me to have a disconnect from other people, because I want to fucking know what I'm doing wrong without having to ask everytime. Do I need drugs or something, is there something wrong with my fundamental understanding of everything? Why can't have the fucking so I can get rid of this mental defect and be normal like everyone else? Some tell me or I'm just going to be fucked in the head for the rest of my life. People are just find to yell and about me having a problem, but when it comes to actually helping with the problem, "oh sorry, you don't know? Survival of the fittest pal, can't give the game away", I need answers.

Can someone give me some techniques on how to stay positive and look past my current mental state. Any help will be greatly greatly appreciated. This week is proving one of my hardest to get through and I keep switching from feeling okay to being a complete emotional wreck

every night, everytime before i go to sleep, my mind just reminds me of my past failures and bad moments, and I'm haunted by those memories for few years now, when I go to sleep at certain hour, I always spend another 2 hours just reflecting on myself, mainly past mistakes and bad memories. It also does not help that I have social anxiety, to say it outright i'm afraid of people, I barely go out, I'm afraid of people looking at me, and I have hard time convincing myself that I should go out with friends, in the past, I'd be making excuses to not go on fun stuff like a school trip, because of a fear, something that I cannot explain, and even though I have slightly improved in that regard, i still have to do a lot of convincing to myself that I should go out with friends somewhere, basically i have a hard time doing any further interactions with friends. Not to mention the fact that I just don't feel right being around my friends, they're very talanted, funny and nice people, meanwhile i'm just like, nothing, no talent, humor or skills, so i guess i'm like a wind that you don't notice, they might hear a comment from me, but nothing more meaningful than that. This just makes me really paranoid, and critical of myself, and I recognize that, but I can't do anything about it - i've signed up to a psychologist, I went there, but I have already, on the start, felt that it won't help me, now i want to clarify, that i'll try to keep going there, but I'm just skeptical if it'll help me in the long term. If only I at very least had my own thing, activity that I'd enjoy and come to, and be good at, and for some time it was games, as it was probably for some of you, but I came to conclusion that I simply suck, and while I have tried to improve in that, it always ended up with me giving up, seeing no improvements from myself. excuse my chaotic writting, but i have hard time just trying to explain issues I see in myself, what makes it just better is that there's some people sharing my issues.

[QUOTE=Extronic;53024567]my father killed himself yesterday at 47. i come here looking for advice on trying to get through it and the first thing i read is another suicide note [editline]3rd January 2018[/editline] why even bother tbh, shit sucks. i just gotta keep living, keep hurting.[/QUOTE] hey man, im so sorry to hear this happened my brother attempted suicide late 2016 and at the time it felt like it was my fault for not talking to him more, trying to stop him, helping him, etc. i later learned from him that basically nothing could have stopped him from doing it, there was no one to blame for it. that didn't mean it didn't suck but it helped me feel a lot better about it. i obviously don't know shit about your situation but don't for one second think that anything is your fault if you need someone to talk to my PMs are completely open [editline]3rd January 2018[/editline] [QUOTE=Crooky14;53024824]Can someone give me some techniques on how to stay positive and look past my current mental state. Any help will be greatly greatly appreciated. This week is proving one of my hardest to get through and I keep switching from feeling okay to being a complete emotional wreck[/QUOTE] honestly, for me personally i turn to comfort movies/music/memories to get me through hard times. i put on some of my favorite tunes, get away from my cell phone, and just do something mindless and enjoyable so i dont have to think about the shitty parts [editline]3rd January 2018[/editline] [QUOTE=Cpt.MEEM;53024933]every night, everytime before i go to sleep, my mind just reminds me of my past failures and bad moments, and I'm haunted by those memories for few years now, when I go to sleep at certain hour, I always spend another 2 hours just reflecting on myself, mainly past mistakes and bad memories. It also does not help that I have social anxiety, to say it outright i'm afraid of people, I barely go out, I'm afraid of people looking at me, and I have hard time convincing myself that I should go out with friends, in the past, I'd be making excuses to not go on fun stuff like a school trip, because of a fear, something that I cannot explain, and even though I have slightly improved in that regard, i still have to do a lot of convincing to myself that I should go out with friends somewhere, basically i have a hard time doing any further interactions with friends. Not to mention the fact that I just don't feel right being around my friends, they're very talanted, funny and nice people, meanwhile i'm just like, nothing, no talent, humor or skills, so i guess i'm like a wind that you don't notice, they might hear a comment from me, but nothing more meaningful than that. This just makes me really paranoid, and critical of myself, and I recognize that, but I can't do anything about it - i've signed up to a psychologist, I went there, but I have already, on the start, felt that it won't help me, now i want to clarify, that i'll try to keep going there, but I'm just skeptical if it'll help me in the long term. If only I at very least had my own thing, activity that I'd enjoy and come to, and be good at, and for some time it was games, as it was probably for some of you, but I came to conclusion that I simply suck, and while I have tried to improve in that, it always ended up with me giving up, seeing no improvements from myself. excuse my chaotic writting, but i have hard time just trying to explain issues I see in myself, what makes it just better is that there's some people sharing my issues.[/QUOTE] i know what you mean about feeling like you don't have any talent. the thing is, i guarantee there are things that other people think you're great at that you don't even know you do well. i've told many friends how much i appreciate something they do and they tell me they've never thought they were any good at it, stuff like that for the sleeping stuff, i highly recommend you seek out help from a psychiatrist/change up your lifestyle. maybe exercising to tire yourself out and make yourself feel healthier, taking some kinda nyquil or something along those lines to help you drift off faster no one is as hard on you as yourself, im telling you right now that you are the only person that thinks youre a waste of space. you arent

[QUOTE=Bathtub;53025111] honestly, for me personally i turn to comfort movies/music/memories to get me through hard times. i put on some of my favorite tunes, get away from my cell phone, and just do something mindless and enjoyable so i dont have to think about the shitty parts [/QUOTE] Thank you, will try

[QUOTE=Extronic;53025165]the thing is apparently i was the only one who saw his depression, because im also the only one who has also been through these kind of feelings. and his boss called my mom at 130 saying he never came and i got off of work because my mom called me. i look at the clock at 5 and i see he still wasnt home. i type out an entire text telling him that i never showed him that i appreciated him and i know our relationship is rocky but i love him. i delete it thinking either hes fine or already dead, not sure actually. at 545 my friend takes me to zaxbys and is interrupted by a call from my mother, saying i need to come home. "daddys gone" shit hits hard apparently at 630 he sent my mother an email, pulled into a bigger lot and shot himself. and i cant not feel like if i would have sent that message things would be different. i would still have a father, but whats done is done. i know that there is never a. chance to go back ever and it fucking sucks. i really hope nobody ever goes through this and if anyone here feels like doing it: DONT you have no idea how many people ypu will hurt. people do care about you even if you dont know it and even if they dont show it[/QUOTE] like i said, i know this probably won't change anything, but chances are it wouldn't have stopped him. depression is a fucking terrifying illness, it causes you to defy all logic and not think straight at all. it really fucking sucks, i cant even imagine how terrible that must feel. seriously man, that's fucking awful and im sorry you are going through it

How many heartbreaks am I able to go through until I can't feel them? Don't say that you want a relationship with me and then literally get in one with some dude (the next day) you met a week ago. I thought I'd start the new years off good. I was wrong.

[QUOTE=Crooky14;53025149]Thank you, will try[/QUOTE] Try giving yourself a ten minute introspection period. I love putting on a nice soundscape on headphones and closing my eyes, letting my body totally focus on the visuals that develop. I always come out feeling really refreshed. Its just about learning how to distract yourself for a while. A lot of our stresses cant just be ignored but youd be amazed to hear how much little shit actually piles up on you. Its good to shake it off and run a system reboot [editline]5th January 2018[/editline] [QUOTE=Yoke;53026770]How many heartbreaks am I able to go through until I can't feel them? Don't say that you want a relationship with me and then literally get in one with some dude (the next day) you met a week ago. I thought I'd start the new years off good. I was wrong.[/QUOTE] Youll never get numb to it. She isnt worth the energy though. God knows i understand every side of heartbreak at this point, the best thing i can say is to understand that the pain isnt more powerful than you. Learn from it, dissapointment can be a great teacher if you accept it. Keep strong friend, you got this

[QUOTE=Yoke;53026770]How many heartbreaks am I able to go through until I can't feel them? Don't say that you want a relationship with me and then literally get in one with some dude (the next day) you met a week ago. I thought I'd start the new years off good. I was wrong.[/QUOTE] It's not a matter of you not feeling them, being numb to sensation is worse than feeling imo, don't let shit damage you Imo there are two possible things which might hurt here r so if you don't mind I'll try to preempt and then address them. 1) expectation, real life rarely ever lives up to expectation, especially if we set the bar high. You're setting yourself up to fail,especially where other people are concerned. Imagine yourself an archer firing an arrow at a target, you can do your best to hit it but random stuff, like wind, or the complex behaviour of another person, wan blow you off target no matter your skill. If you, as the archer, predicate your happiness on hitting that target, then wind blows and you miss, you won't be happy and worse you've surrendered the control of happiness to something external - which is shit, it makes you feel like you got no control leaves you miserable. You can prefer to hit a target but don't pin happiness on it, you split up with gf, such is life. If it was something you did then lesson learned for next gf, if it was not something you did then it wasn't meant to be and don't sweat it 2) having a person leave you for another (or cheat) is painful coz it makes you question your own worth: "what do they have which I don't" Imo I'd approach it in a similar way to the above. It's a person who you probably don't know mega well, they have motivations and desires unknown to you and may change over the time you know them. You don't have control over this stuff and it's not your fault if you don't know her wants. Maybe she's fickle and gets bored easily, maybe she felt trapped, maybe she had a dream which subconsciously altered her behaviour. It could be any number of random things, best thing you can do for yourself is not let bad experiences taint your future, enjoy what happens for what it is or was and don't dwell on stuff that didn't, and therefore, couldn't have happened. If you find yourself thinkng and thoughts spiralling out of control "I'm not good enough, she left me, what of everyone will leave me, what if I am to be alone forever" then consider learning to control your thoughts through mindfulness mediation in op, don't let your brain run amok and torture itself. One final thing, I'm agnostic atheist but here is a very good prayer/mantra, swap God for whatever: [QUOTE]God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.[/QUOTE] edit: I've dwelt on this and I suggested not having expectations. I'm not sure how healthy this is tbh. I avoid expectation to avoid being let down, its a cynical defence mechanism, which is perhaps a sign of "damage" which it contrary to the (better advice) of not letting past experiences taint your future stuff. I dunno. Deffo consider that some stuff aint your fault and is was unavoidable, I stand by that advice :100: [editline]5th January 2018[/editline] Shit just read turtleey's post. Hope they're alright and didn't do it. I remember years back I joined facepunch for the mapping section, I was a new member to it and had trouble understanding the banter/general hostility and Elitism there. Turtleey challenged it, which was cool. Since then they and Stiffy have been 2 peeps I've kept an eye on to see their progress, probably an unrefuted feeling/belief but I sorta see them as class mates in school, developing through the years. I really hope this ain't the end of Turtleeys journey

How can I even hope to begin fixing my complete lack of self esteem? It fucks up everything I do and think, completely cripples any self-improving feedback loop, and has no escape at all. I don't feel capable of fixing it. Poisons relationships too, in a really insidious way, and just knowing that that happens probably makes me seem paranoid or overly self-conscious to others. There isn't anything it doesn't touch and I'm just trapped

Lately I've been stuck in this vicious cycle where I'll be full of willpower and finally ready to solve my problems once and for all, only for it all to come crashing down within a few days. I'll start wondering why even bother with all of the things I try to do since ultimately none of it makes me happy. I watch my hygiene, try to eat well, sleep better, engage more in hobbies, but why? It feels like I'm filling up a to-do list of things to do everyday and its exhausting since as said, none of it makes me happy. All of it becomes a chore. There's nothing I look forward to anymore. I remember when I was younger when I'd look forward to coming home from school to play games. Waking up during the weekends early as hell since I was excited to have two whole days that I could fill with whatever I wanted. Nowadays, even the things that are supposed to be fun and exciting feels like a chore. I try to stick with these things anyway but I can definitely feel the impact it has on me. It's all effort and stress with no other activities to alleviate said stress. There's no reward in any of this and that makes it pointless. It is so painful to sit at home, knowing that there's nothing I want to do. I end up desperately browsing the internet for things to do with this agonizing anxiety. Nothing takes my mind off of these thoughts

[QUOTE=cynaraos;53020437]I've realized how I've barely really enjoyed playing video games since around 2013 like, I've had 'good' moments, but they haven't given me anything close to the really good feeling I got when I got into video games around 2010 to 2012 it was, like, this vivid feeling, like I was immersed in the games I played. playing video games now just feels like an empty task[/QUOTE] I have been feeling that for a couple of years. Playing a game and then closing it 10 minutes later because I was bored. I thought it was part of becoming older, you don't like videogames anymoreor the newer ones are just shit but I discovered it was because 2 reasons: my laptop is crap (tomorrow I'll be changing it finally) and didn't find any decent games until I bought Overwatch and this week discovered Doom modding. Thanks to those 2, I have been enjoying more videogames and also, if you play with people, it gets even better. Playing alone sucks.

I'm not a fan of being alright until like 4 in the evening when I can suddenly barely stay awake until 7 to 10 or so in the evening when I'm not as tired any more I don't get it

[QUOTE=cynaraos;53020437]I've realized how I've barely really enjoyed playing video games since around 2013 like, I've had 'good' moments, but they haven't given me anything close to the really good feeling I got when I got into video games around 2010 to 2012 it was, like, this vivid feeling, like I was immersed in the games I played. playing video games now just feels like an empty task[/QUOTE] I felt like this for a while, so I stopped playing computer games for a while. Now I find them awesome again, but that's cause I got prescribed vyvanse.

I'm going to be assessed by a mental health team up at the psychiatric hospital next week. Quite frankly, I'm terrified. This will be the first time I've been seen by anyone apart from a GP, and I don't know what to expect. Part of me just wants to stay in my nice little bubble where no one recognises my illness but also leaves me alone. But part of me knows I need the support to help me with many things this coming year.

I'm stuck in a mindless loop of thinking of the same shit that's happened right at in December of 2017 and the beginning of 2018. It's all a shit-show. My house caught on fire on the last day of November, literally after we had just decorated the interior of our house for the holidays. I'm fortunate enough to have homeowner's insurance and a PC, but it just hurts a lot having to think of that night. Sentimental values are gone. I can never let go of it. We had to suffer about 24 days inside of a shitty hotel. [IMG]https://i.imgur.com/A1xXFSC.png[/IMG] And then the girl I spoke of before stopped talking to me because I'm a little too, "off," or "emotional."

Life is pain, but I'm afraid to die. [editline]6th January 2018[/editline] [QUOTE=Yoke;53029374] And then the girl I spoke of before stopped talking to me because I'm a little too, "off," or "emotional."[/QUOTE] Ditch that fucking [I]cunt[/I], then. I'm sorry, but, even if you liked her, someone who can't understand or empathize with the fact your house burnt down right on the holidays is a fucking cunt, and you're doing yourself a favour by not wasting your time pandering to their inability to help or empathize with others. Saying you're "too emotional" is also an abusive behaviour pattern, btw. Intentional or not, you're best not wasting your time with someone who [I]clearly[/I] doesn't give a shit about you beyond what you provide and serve to them. My condolences for the loss of your goods. Let it be an opportunity to reforge yourself, I suppose. You've lost something, but at the same time perhaps you can have an appreciation for things closer to your heart now. It has, at least, alerted you to the true nature of one shitbag who you can't rely on. Don't let it linger on you. Let it be something you strive past.

Iv finally come to the realization that Sisyphus isn't happy.

[QUOTE=Superkilll307;53031209]Iv finally come to the realization that Sisyphus isn't happy.[/QUOTE] Wasn't that the original intention? To be punished for eternity. Only later did Camus come along and say that its ite, and thats only because Sisyphus lived a life without anxiety because everything was decided for him (I don't think Camus was right) that doesn't apply to humans because even if everything is decided for us we imagine there are other paths we could take (or could have taken) so the anxiety of not knowing remains.

Hi again FP, I just want to tell you that everyone here who tweets positive things in Polidicks; it IS working, at least for me. So keep it up.

I see my doctor in two days. Let's see what $10,000 in genetic tests look like.

Does lack of sleep cause anxiety? I think I've been getting a lot of anxiety lately, perhaps I should try to get more sleep.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;53033738]Does lack of sleep cause anxiety? I think I've been getting a lot of anxiety lately, perhaps I should try to get more sleep.[/QUOTE] I feel like they're definitely connected. The more anxious you are, the harder it is to sleep, making you more anxious, and so on. It's a cycle.