Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

This is going to be a first. I have no idea what I want to achieve with this post save that I think (or am lead to believe) that discussing my problems is healthy. My mother is dying of a terminal illness caused by a work accident. My father is dead. My stepfather is bipolar. My one set of grandparents consist of a deceased previously dementia riddled lady and a now near-suicidal man. My uncles (x2) constantly steal from my grandfather. My sister is absent. I haven't talked to anybody about this. I've never mentioned to anybody that this is taking place because of two things. Firstly, because I don't trust anybody enough to feel comfortable sharing that kind of personal detail and secondly because it feels like it's removing burden that I'm owed. I've disconnected myself entirely. I feel emotionally numb in conversation with previously close friends - almost as if very slowly I'm becoming apathetic and developing into a kind of sociopath (causing harm and sadness to people with no remorse at all). I haven't slept a full night in almost three months. I've reached the conclusion on many occasions that inevitably and hopefully I'll die with nobody noticing.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;53033751]I feel like they're definitely connected. The more anxious you are, the harder it is to sleep, making you more anxious, and so on. It's a cycle.[/QUOTE]Ah, ok, so fatigue and coke must be causing me to get fearful at night.

God damn i've realized what makes me the saddest and when it happens. Generally i'm the saddest when school is going on, and I generally don't know anybody. Every time I have a break i'm kind of content with the loneliness, but as soon as I see people around me having a good time or being social I kind of automatically get sad. Self worth and self image also tend to flip flop as well.

Despite having a really good evening last night, towards the end of it when I was already getting ready to bed I felt a sense of dread starting to wash over me. Woke up today with a terrible mood, and only slept 4 hours. I know why, too, but at the same time I wish I didn't, because I know that the things I have to do to make these mood swings stop are going to be painful.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;53034238]God damn i've realized what makes me the saddest and when it happens. Generally i'm the saddest when school is going on, and I generally don't know anybody. Every time I have a break i'm kind of content with the loneliness, but as soon as I see people around me having a good time or being social I kind of automatically get sad. Self worth and self image also tend to flip flop as well.[/QUOTE] That sadness might be you feeling like you're missing out, or going introspective and thinking about stuff which makes you sad or wondering what actions lead you to not having many peeps. I think, if you're like me, this might also come with a smidgen of comparing yourself to others: what do I lack? What's wrong with me? Why are those people happier/have more friends than me? I bet that guy could fit in anywhere. Advice would be try to get to know peeps, maybe thru a club or sport(sport/gym also helps a bomb with self esteem) etc If you're anything like me then you'll probs still feel this way after you've got peeps, I guess the final step is to be content with what/who you have. On self esteem aristotle said "we are what we repeatedly do" so if you want self esteem try to make a habit of it, regularly do stuff you're proud of, and acknowledge success to yourself. Gym is effective because a) exercise releases endorphins b) you regularly set and achieve goals. To add pseudoscience to this quote we value "narrative" very highly, our world view is a narrative, based on the stories we're told but also stories we tell. If you build a narrative for yourself you'll probably subtly alter yourself to fulfill that narrative and perhaps self sabotage. If you believe deep inside that you're a failure then your brain will look out for that pattern, ignore the successes and highlight the failures. If you believe yourself broken your brain will endeavour to make it so.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;53034317]It'll look like a whole lot of irrelevant bullshit, and hopefully a single line of relevant bullshit. Seriously, last time I read one of those they found like 50 different things that weren't actually relevant to the problem at hand, and a single line that boiled down to "yo this is the actual problem".[/QUOTE] I'll take a single line of relevant bullshit at this point.

I had some urgent payments to make so I was basically out of money already.. and guess who got into a car accident while driving to work. I've no idea what to do now or how to even figure this out, I have to somehow salvage my own car that's basically RUINED AND pay for the other cars insurance. I am so lost and disappointed, angry at myself

I have discovered 2 things these past 2 weeks: -I get anxiety when I'm in the middle of a crowd + getnervous because of something. -The place where I'm studying makes me sick.I live far from my family: these past 2 week ofChristmas holidays I have been at home studying patiently and with no stress; came back yesterday from home happy, and suddenly bam, another failed exam and all my confidence goes down again and cannot focus on studying.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;53033738]Does lack of sleep cause anxiety? I think I've been getting a lot of anxiety lately, perhaps I should try to get more sleep.[/QUOTE] Your 3 basic needs in life are food, water, and shelter(rest), the more of those you have the less anxiety you will have man. I was just very close to those needs, please trust me and don't push people away who are helping you, understand who the right people are and use THOSE NEEDS ONLY to medicate the issue. I need to save this post for the future, someone please pm it for me if I post weird things or stop posting in the next few days. Actually, can someone pm it to me now?

I'm so sick of having nightmares EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's getting to be way too much, and now I'm constantly getting woken up by sounds that aren't actually there (static, loud bangs, etc) and it is ruining my ability to sleep.

I get scared of being rejected. Not by someone who isn't close, but by someone who is actually close and you know. Not just because it'll hurt, but because it'll fuck up a friendship. I don't like relationships. They don't work 99% of the time. How do you stop yourself from falling for someone? I'm going to have a breakdown.

I have what I'd classify as medium-heavy social anxiety. It's weird because there are so many situations that don't scare me, like I can go to the store and buy things from a complete stranger with no trouble. I can sit in my classes and sometimes speak up with little issue. I sometimes feel lucky when I read about other people with anxiety and how they can't even leave their rooms because they're so scared. For a long time I liked to think that my SA had improved, but maybe it's only because I'm shutting myself up more and I can't decide whether that's good or bad. I remember in my freshman year of college I tried to join all these clubs but only ever went to the first or second meeting. For a time I tried to be friends with my roommate but that didn't work out. Naturally, the room was where I spent most of my time and I could feel him judging me all the while. I took a single as soon as a could and after freshman year never really bothered with clubs or parties or anything. I wasn't really helping my SA I guess, but there was so much less stress with no one standing over me and expecting me to do things I didn't want to. So for about three years I've been able to avoid roommates and I've tricked myself into thinking my SA isn't that bad. There are times though, when I realize just how awful it is and it makes me scared of how my life will go. Last summer, I got an internship at a non-profit, my first ever paying "job." It wasn't fun by any means, but neither was it grueling. For weeks, all I had to do was basically tack away at a keyboard and rarely talk to anyone extensively. Then the atom bomb came. My supervisor told me that we were going to begin cold-calling (an assignment so graciously assigned solely to the interns) for a fundraising event the org was doing and a lump immediately grew in my throat (this is also something they never told me they were planning before I was hired). I spent the next week pretending like it would be no big deal and I guess I must have believed it. The first day we did calls, I sat in the conference room by myself and managed to make about 3 calls in 30 minutes. It was a painful reminder that I have always had thin skin. A stranger hanging up the phone midsentence should have meant absolutely nothing to me, but somehow it was personal. I had been doing so well at my job that I was scared to say anything, but making the calls scared me more. I worried about those calls even on days that I wasn't working and it got to the point where I was seriously considering outright leaving. I mistakenly reasoned that perhaps my supervisor would understand that sometimes people aren't suited to the tasks assigned to them, and I told them I wasn't comfortable making calls and asked if there was anything else I could do to help. All they said was "I wish we'd known that before." Somehow, I managed to keep my internship, though I afterwards felt a constant guilt for being unable to accomplish what was expected of me and what seemed relatively simple. I was simultaneously angry at both myself for being so scared, and angry at my supervisor for giving me the awful responsibility in the first place. Today, I can't help but wonder how I'll ever keep a job if something comes up that strikes the SA nerve. The reason I bring this up now is mostly to vent, but also because today I discovered that for the first time since freshman year, I'm going to have a roommate. It's my last semester of college, and I'm worried that it's going to be just like my first. He'll wonder why I'm always in my room and why I don't go to parties or go out to drink. All the while, I'll worry about what he thinks even though I know it hardly matters. My masterplan is to lock myself in my room and say "I'm working on my senior project" in response to anything he says, even if I'm really just whacking off or playing video games. To say the least, I'm angry. I just want to graduate and never look back, but now I've only got one more thing to worry about.

its nice that the people who support me irl dont give a fuck about my, you know, very big life issues, even now that ive told them about it. hey im very angry that my life was completely fucked up by how i was literally abused by my school, are you gonna talk about that? at all? no? not even give me one thoughtful opinion about it? oh well, its fine. i guess im not supposed to ever have a normal life.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;53034521]That sadness might be you feeling like you're missing out, or going introspective and thinking about stuff which makes you sad or wondering what actions lead you to not having many peeps. I think, if you're like me, this might also come with a smidgen of comparing yourself to others: what do I lack? What's wrong with me? Why are those people happier/have more friends than me? I bet that guy could fit in anywhere. Advice would be try to get to know peeps, maybe thru a club or sport(sport/gym also helps a bomb with self esteem) etc If you're anything like me then you'll probs still feel this way after you've got peeps, I guess the final step is to be content with what/who you have. On self esteem aristotle said "we are what we repeatedly do" so if you want self esteem try to make a habit of it, regularly do stuff you're proud of, and acknowledge success to yourself. Gym is effective because a) exercise releases endorphins b) you regularly set and achieve goals. To add pseudoscience to this quote we value "narrative" very highly, our world view is a narrative, based on the stories we're told but also stories we tell. If you build a narrative for yourself you'll probably subtly alter yourself to fulfill that narrative and perhaps self sabotage. If you believe deep inside that you're a failure then your brain will look out for that pattern, ignore the successes and highlight the failures. If you believe yourself broken your brain will endeavour to make it so.[/QUOTE] Exactly dude, exactly. Today I went back to school and I think I just realized I have anxiety. Like really bad. That might be an issue going forward. Like I look at other awkward looking guys who are stiff with their movement and I know that i'm exactly the same making me tense up even more making an inescapable loop of anxiety and awkwardness. That causes a lot of hatred toward myself as well. Honestly I just need to stop giving a shit about a lot of stuff and just enjoy life but I might have automatic anxiety so yeah that's a little hard. Thanks for the advice though. Honestly I just get the feeling nobody really cares, and that adds to the loneliness aspect.

My tinnitus got louder in the past few days and I can't narrow down the cause. Does sugar cause tinnitus

I went to the student council thing, got help making up a rough plan over the year for the courses I need to do to fix my lacking grades so I can eventually apply for university. I'm tired of having no future.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;53037497]My tinnitus got louder in the past few days and I can't narrow down the cause. Does sugar cause tinnitus[/QUOTE] I can assure you that it doesn't, but tinnitus can sometimes vary depending on the actual pathology involved. For instance if someone else can hear your tinnitus it might be because of dysfunctional muscles around the middle or inner ear. If you can hear it vary with your pulse, it can be because of a vascular abnormality in your brain. But there's a laundry list of tinnitus pathologies, and several for hearing loss related ones alone, so short of an actual examination you wouldn't be able to pinpoint the cause.

[QUOTE=Samson0722;53037410]Exactly dude, exactly. Today I went back to school and I think I just realized I have anxiety. Like really bad. That might be an issue going forward. Like I look at other awkward looking guys who are stiff with their movement and I know that i'm exactly the same making me tense up even more making an inescapable loop of anxiety and awkwardness. That causes a lot of hatred toward myself as well.[/quote] Maybe try to reduce the judging thing, recognise when you're doing it and reign your mind in from doing it. It helped me somewhat when I stopped doing it. I think it's a bit of a negative cycle thing, judging made me more insecure and insecurity made me judge more. It's sorta a negative mindset that easily entraps you Maybe practice better body language if you feel that's an issue you have, when I went to uni I did and it made me feel much better about myself than I did in college (highschool in US) and people noticed the improvement in my attitude toward myself. [quote] Honestly I just need to stop giving a shit about a lot of stuff and just enjoy life but I might have automatic anxiety so yeah that's a little hard. Thanks for the advice though. Honestly I just get the feeling nobody really cares, and that adds to the loneliness aspect.[/QUOTE] Maybe most people don't care, not out of apathy or cruelty but out of them being caught up in their own stuff with their own challenges and insecurities. Here's a painting [t]https://lh5.ggpht.com/THzH8tmsAtCVFsjXzr7HKbPTxxzoXXNwOodw44NfNIQ90F_vFBQ3nFg8BBk[/t] It shows icarus falling to the sea and dying, showing that during his biggest tragedy nobody cared or noticed, the guy ploughing didn't even stop. Maybe its a good thing though. When you make a mistake people won't notice, if they do notice they probably won't mind, if they do mind it'll probably be fleeting. So you're free to make mistakes and try things To tie this back to body language, why not try it, who cares what people think, its about you and having better body language/posture just feels inexplicably better. You don't have to be perfect but don't censor and cripple yourself out of shyness I don't wanna sound preachy and I hope this doesn't sound it. Good luck sorting your stuff, don't go too hard on yourself and stick with it; school can be a pain in the arse, buncha peeps all tryna find their place in the world, that makes em insecure and that can manifest as aggression and toxic behaviour like putting others down. Things get better

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;53037605]I can assure you that it doesn't, but tinnitus can sometimes vary depending on the actual pathology involved. For instance if someone else can hear your tinnitus it might be because of dysfunctional muscles around the middle or inner ear. If you can hear it vary with your pulse, it can be because of a vascular abnormality in your brain. But there's a laundry list of tinnitus pathologies, and several for hearing loss related ones alone, so short of an actual examination you wouldn't be able to pinpoint the cause.[/QUOTE]What sort of examination can I request?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;53037614]What sort of examination can I request?[/QUOTE] If you visited an ENT specialist you could get it done there, plus if they can't pinpoint a potential cause they will ask for an audiogram (a test where they see the quality of your hearing and so forth) to pinpoint anything that might be missed using an examination. Anything further and they'll decide if other tests need to be done.

That gene test was worthless.

All the problems that built up during the last 15 years are crashing down on me right now. I'm unable to cope with anything. Everyday another shovel of problems is added. I feel so much self-hatred that I feel too worthless to ask for anything or even accepting something that is offered to me. In those 15 years I got a lot of professional help (and still do) but this professional tone and distance prevents me from talking clearly about my thoughts (also I'm too scared of consequences). Other than those people getting paid for pretending to not be annoyed by me or my re-occurring problems, I have nobody. Since two weeks I have a job for the first time in my almost 29 years and it is completely filled with people I am incompatible with (it's a workshop for all sorts of disabled people) which makes me feel even more lonely. Only my second life in a utopian dream world I keep returning to temporarily distracts me from the burdens on my shoulders. I don't want any reply or reaction to this, I just needed to get this off my chest. Also thank you to anyone offering your help here! I envy your optimism and wish I too could give help instead of only taking it.

Lost the last of my two friends, both of which I've known for years. I'm sick of this. Someday you'll see some news headline that I was shot in the street because I annoyed someone or some shit. Call it morbid but if I go, I do hope it's in such a humorous fashion I make S.H. as that's probably the most positive impact I'd ever make. To quote what someone told me, "Nobody likes you, nobody wants you around." and it's completely true. In every activity I partake in, I always fuck up, and get chewed out for it, no matter how much I rehearse and practice, I just never get better. I STILL have no job, my HS grades are too low and I can't afford college, I don't have any money, I'm being put on more and more medication, and I just don't give a single fuck what happens to me anymore. I stopped taking care of myself.

[QUOTE=Toybasher;53043117]To quote what someone told me, "Nobody likes you, nobody wants you around." and it's completely true. In every activity I partake in, I always fuck up, and get chewed out for it, no matter how much I rehearse and practice, I just never get better. I STILL have no job, my HS grades are too low and I can't afford college, I don't have any money, I'm being put on more and more medication, and I just don't give a single fuck what happens to me anymore. I stopped taking care of myself.[/QUOTE] To be honest, I find it hard to imagine that someone who would say "Nobody likes you, nobody wants you around" to anyone is worth listening to.

Just chiming in to say that I've never felt more peaceful than I have in years in the last couple of days. It's as though all the concerns and burdens I've felt have once and for all fallen off my shoulders. I no longer worry about the future or think about the past - all that's left for me now is a very good present. For all you guys out there still struggling, try your best to hold on and give yourself the care and the validation that you need if nobody else will. Keep the faith that things will change for the better one day no matter how bitter things seem.

[QUOTE=Toybasher;53043117]Lost the last of my two friends, both of which I've known for years. I'm sick of this. Someday you'll see some news headline that I was shot in the street because I annoyed someone or some shit. Call it morbid but if I go, I do hope it's in such a humorous fashion I make S.H. as that's probably the most positive impact I'd ever make. To quote what someone told me, "Nobody likes you, nobody wants you around." and it's completely true. In every activity I partake in, I always fuck up, and get chewed out for it, no matter how much I rehearse and practice, I just never get better. I STILL have no job, my HS grades are too low and I can't afford college, I don't have any money, I'm being put on more and more medication, and I just don't give a single fuck what happens to me anymore. I stopped taking care of myself.[/QUOTE] In my opinion, they're full of shit, truth is, they saw you fail and probably want to find a way to use that against you. I had a similar experience in a chatroom with this /b/tard, by the end of his frankly boring conversation about how everyone hates me, I thought "Is this something a 'normal' person would say?". Who gives a fuck what happens to those who say "Nobody likes you, nobody wants you around"? You should give a fuck about what happens to you though, if not you, then your family and the people you do get on with.

I am absolutely going to violently kill myself because this is never going to get better [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] perversely I feel most alive when I think about dying [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine seeing a young kid who can't stop crying at inappropriate times and telling them to stop because it makes you feel uncomfortable [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine telling a kid to stop crying crocodile tears when you give them homework [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine seeing a kid smashing their head into their desk and thinking lol thats extremely normal [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] I'm alive when I feel angry about these things [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] it's really important that you don't ever cry in front of other people, kid

[QUOTE=Turnips5;53043493]I am absolutely going to violently kill myself because this is never going to get better [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] perversely I feel most alive when I think about dying [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine seeing a young kid who can't stop crying at inappropriate times and telling them to stop because it makes you feel uncomfortable [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine telling a kid to stop crying crocodile tears when you give them homework [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] imagine seeing a kid smashing their head into their desk and thinking lol thats extremely normal[/QUOTE] Some people are uncomfortable about that sort of thing and barring explaining it to them there's no way they're going to change. They don't like seeing that in their comfortable, ordered lives, because that reminds them of what might someday happen to them instead. Others are simply insensitive clods who don't want to walk one mile in another's shoes and hold their own egos more important, than somebody who's suffering. And yet others are simply sadistic and enjoy human suffering, and get no bigger satisfaction than seeing someone else cast down, humbled, and humiliated. Best I can offer is you should try your damnedest to ignore such persons and not give them the satisfaction of seeing you suffer, if you can't stop them outright from being unpleasant. Also, the paradox is because none of us wants to die, and the instinct for survival is never more than when you're thinking seriously about death, or have seen death in the face and come out ahead this time. Believe me, I know, having experienced it thrice already in my own life. I've also wondered if living another hour would be worth it or not, when it seemed like nothing would ever go as expected. But that's how life is, you can't allow for the unexpected, all you can do is accept that shit happens, good or bad, and remind yourself that it happens for everybody. Very few are that fortunate to live blessed, untouched lives free of concerns, in any social class.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;53043523]Some people are uncomfortable about that sort of thing and barring explaining it to them there's no way they're going to change. They don't like seeing that in their comfortable, ordered lives, because that reminds them of what might someday happen to them instead. Others are simply insensitive clods who don't want to walk one mile in another's shoes and hold their own egos more important, than somebody who's suffering. And yet others are simply sadistic and enjoy human suffering, and get no bigger satisfaction than seeing someone else cast down, humbled, and humiliated. Best I can offer is you should try your damnedest to ignore such persons and not give them the satisfaction of seeing you suffer, if you can't stop them outright from being unpleasant. Also, the paradox is because none of us wants to die, and the instinct for survival is never more than when you're thinking seriously about death, or have seen death in the face and come out ahead this time. Believe me, I know, having experienced it thrice already in my own life. I've also wondered if living another hour would be worth it or not, when it seemed like nothing would ever go as expected. But that's how life is, you can't allow for the unexpected, all you can do is accept that shit happens, good or bad, and remind yourself that it happens for everybody. Very few are that fortunate to live blessed, untouched lives free of concerns, in any social class.[/QUOTE] oh this all happened a long, long time ago. there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, I barely remember the names of the people involved. I'm just unaccountably angry about it because it's the first time I really considered it

[QUOTE=Turnips5;53043532]oh this all happened a long, long time ago. there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, I barely remember the names of the people involved. I'm just unaccountably angry about it because it's the first time I really considered it[/QUOTE] I've felt much the same many years ago when I thought of past injuries I've been dealt by others. I just learned bit by bit that if you cut the emotional part of the memory out and look at it from an objective lens, that it's happened and nothing can change it for better or worse, but that you do have a future to change things in, the past no longer has a hold over you. Remember that forgiving doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, though forgetting is, after all, the master defense mechanism we have when it comes to traumatic events.