Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I had a visit with my doctor a few days ago. Got prescribed Bupropion and Trazodone for sleep problems. I told her about the situation with my grandfather and she was sympathetic towards finding outside help. A second doctor also suggested that I may have Bipolar II disorder but wasn't absolutely sure. They suggested counseling, but my insurance doesn't cover their counseling center so I would have to look around. It's been a busy last few days; but at least it's something.

cool I just found out that I'm not on the schedule for this exhibit work because my lousy shitmind apparently opened the poll for timetabling months ago and completely forgot to fill it in asfadfgasdfasdf my existence just makes other people's worse

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;53037612]Maybe try to reduce the judging thing, recognise when you're doing it and reign your mind in from doing it. It helped me somewhat when I stopped doing it. I think it's a bit of a negative cycle thing, judging made me more insecure and insecurity made me judge more. It's sorta a negative mindset that easily entraps you Maybe practice better body language if you feel that's an issue you have, when I went to uni I did and it made me feel much better about myself than I did in college (highschool in US) and people noticed the improvement in my attitude toward myself. Maybe most people don't care, not out of apathy or cruelty but out of them being caught up in their own stuff with their own challenges and insecurities. Here's a painting [t]https://lh5.ggpht.com/THzH8tmsAtCVFsjXzr7HKbPTxxzoXXNwOodw44NfNIQ90F_vFBQ3nFg8BBk[/t] It shows icarus falling to the sea and dying, showing that during his biggest tragedy nobody cared or noticed, the guy ploughing didn't even stop. Maybe its a good thing though. When you make a mistake people won't notice, if they do notice they probably won't mind, if they do mind it'll probably be fleeting. So you're free to make mistakes and try things To tie this back to body language, why not try it, who cares what people think, its about you and having better body language/posture just feels inexplicably better. You don't have to be perfect but don't censor and cripple yourself out of shyness I don't wanna sound preachy and I hope this doesn't sound it. Good luck sorting your stuff, don't go too hard on yourself and stick with it; school can be a pain in the arse, buncha peeps all tryna find their place in the world, that makes em insecure and that can manifest as aggression and toxic behaviour like putting others down. Things get better[/QUOTE] It's weird though. It depends on the day, how I think I look, and my overall confidence in myself. The day after the first day I wore a new sweater, and I was completely fine. Like going from not being able to breathe, to being fine is weird to me. Some days I think I look like shit, and some I don't and I feel like that corresponds to my anxiety. I don't even know if it's legitimate anxiety though, maybe just nervousness. But damn do I come down hard on myself after the high of self confidence. Like I do think i'm a piece of trash sometimes, but it's more dependent on my self confidence of that day. Which is kind of lame. Edit: HAHA 1,000th post on the depression thread fuck yeah

Been overwhelming myself a little these past few days. I work from home freelancing so my employment is constantly on the thinnest of ice. I can have no income a week from now. And while I have a safety net of living with my parents, I do still have bills to pay, as well as the fact that I still owe $1300 to get my degree from the school, and I do still want to move out. I'm 26 and not getting any younger. But I'm trying my best to get into presentation design because there's plenty of jobs out there for that, even if it's like ad hoc but so many positions require a good portfolio and experience. Obvs I'm trying to get that together but a lot of places also want examples and familiarity with work in Adobe Creative Suite but uhh. It sucks because I can't exactly afford $50 a month for programs I don't even get to own. And I don't exactly have a huge design background, so I'm trying to teach myself as I go. I use free alternatives, but I'm kind of scared that it's not gonna prepare me for some of these jobs and I'll just look like I'm stupid or not "committed enough" or something like that. Might be a silly fear. I don't know. I learned a good amount of things in Illustrator, Photoshop, and Premiere in my last few semesters at school but now I don't have access to the tools that I need to keep on learning and practicing. I just wanna be successful. Especially since my background isn't in graphic design, it's just in studio art. I think that gives me a good foundation but I still want to learn and I'm afraid just watching videos without practicing won't be enough. Aaaa anyway. I dunno. I think I could just use some encouragement and advice maybe lol.

[QUOTE=myon;52920320]forgot to post a new update on this, got my appointment rescheduled to 7th of december! while it's mostly to get things on paper and such before any potential diagnosis can be worked on, it's at least a shorter wait than initially expected so that is very, very nice.[/QUOTE] Semi-final update on this. After a month of talks and testing with a very helpful and approachable therapist who looked eerily similar to a less skinny James Rolfe, I've finally received my diagnosis. ADD, depression and social phobia. Part of me is relieved it's not an inheret flaw of my own but another is sorta bothered by the fact that I'll be plagued with this for the rest of my life. Luckily there are methods to cope, so I'll hear more from them soon on what treatment they recommend for me. Besides the ADD diagnosis, the depression one doesn't really come as a shock, and was for a long time considered to be the sole reason for my issues. But after the focus and performance + intelligence test it's become clear that's not the case. I also scored a total of 104 IQ, but was told that if I hadn't suffered from these problems affecting memory and processing time I could have been up to the 120's. That's nice to know. I was also told more practical areas were best suited for me, for example engineering, biology and chemistry. Exciting stuff but I'm not gonna let that go to my head. I'll come with a new update hopefully soon.

[QUOTE=myon;53046190]Semi-final update on this. After a month of talks and testing with a very helpful and approachable therapist who looked eerily similar to a less skinny James Rolfe, I've finally received my diagnosis. ADD, depression and social phobia. Part of me is relieved it's not an inheret flaw of my own but another is sorta bothered by the fact that I'll be plagued with this for the rest of my life. Luckily there are methods to cope, so I'll hear more from them soon on what treatment they recommend for me. Besides the ADD diagnosis, the depression one doesn't really come as a shock, and was for a long time considered to be the sole reason for my issues. But after the focus and performance + intelligence test it's become clear that's not the case. I also scored a total of 104 IQ, but was told that if I hadn't suffered from these problems affecting memory and processing time I could have been up to the 120's. That's nice to know. I was also told more practical areas were best suited for me, for example engineering, biology and chemistry. Exciting stuff but I'm not gonna let that go to my head. I'll come with a new update hopefully soon.[/QUOTE] What was the process of getting diagnosed for you? For the past 2 years or so I've been wondering if I have ADHD myself after a previous ADD diagnosis that didn't go through. I remember that my psychologist at the time (2013) didn't really go deep into the issue and instead I was presented with taking ritalin and doing computer tests. I was severely sleep deprived for both tests and I've later read that people on the internet at least find computer tests to be inaccurate. Did you do something similar to this? Great that you guys managed to discover some of the issues you are struggling with though. I imagine it's a great relief :)

[QUOTE=PredGD;53046224]What was the process of getting diagnosed for you? For the past 2 years or so I've been wondering if I have ADHD myself after a previous ADD diagnosis that didn't go through. I remember that my psychologist at the time (2013) didn't really go deep into the issue and instead I was presented with taking ritalin and doing computer tests. I was severely sleep deprived for both tests and I've later read that people on the internet at least find computer tests to be inaccurate. Did you do something similar to this? Great that you guys managed to discover some of the issues you are struggling with though. I imagine it's a great relief :)[/QUOTE] Started off with basic stuff. Talking, getting to know me. Typical psychologist jazz. Then he went through a checklist of stuff covering various areas before moving on to the tests. The first test, focus and performance, was done on a computer, with the intelligence test being a practical one with my therapist overseeing it all. Took about two hours for that one, a total of three that session.

[QUOTE=Pascall;53045045]Been overwhelming myself a little these past few days. I work from home freelancing so my employment is constantly on the thinnest of ice. I can have no income a week from now. And while I have a safety net of living with my parents, I do still have bills to pay, as well as the fact that I still owe $1300 to get my degree from the school, and I do still want to move out. I'm 26 and not getting any younger.[/quote] If you have that safety net then the only thing you'll hurt if you "fall" is your pride, if you stick to it and make the climb then you've essentially forged a career off of your own drive which is incredible stuff. Suppose its a priority thing, while you are young you can take these risks, if you prioritise living your dreams and trying stuff then you are empowered to choose that, if you prioritise stability and having a job which you don't necessarily enjoy but its there for you and steady then you have the power to choose that too. The choice can be a blessing or a curse in that you are able to choose (which is a great priviledge) but it's also a buncha anxiety and worry - I say whatever you choose don't look back and do the "coulda woulda shoulda routine", coz when you choose you're choosing/working from what you know and looking back at the past like that only causes sadness and annoyance. If that safety net is there, there's nothing stopping you trying to do your own thing. If you fall then you can land on your feet and try a different route. If you were older and had people/kids relying on you (ie you've not got the net and instead perhaps you are the safety net) then perhaps for their sake you might have other priorities (the stability path). I'd say try to do the thing you want to do, if it doesn't work out then in ten years you've probably landed on your feet elsewhere and you have business experience/a hobby/life lesson instead of a regret saying "if only I had done that thing then because I can't now". Alllll that said I'm in a similar position. I got a stable job (web dev) I'm p happy with but I fear I'll never get to do the stuff I want to do (like heuristics/ai, games) because thats just not the company I'm in. I have a safety net but I'm not sure about jumping - partially because I wouldn't know where to start but also I feel my comp would really struggle without me. I don't plan on getting a fam any time soon so I'm thinking I'll get more experience, finish current projects and then reevaluate my position. [quote] -snip.[/QUOTE] Can't help with business stuff, tho I talked the menter (seems like a great guy, made a funny/useful vid about darksouls bosses) recently asking for advice for a friend of a friend who wants to do some illustration/graphic design (I'm not sure of the difference but she's deffo more about the illustration side like faces/characters instead of logos and other stuff), (shortened) his advice was something like: start small, focus on specific stuff to study develop a routine networking on tumblr, facebook, twitter, insta, specific subreddits, social media get paintings into places, get noticed, get commisioned get freeback, he specifically mentioned talk to people who criticise you (constructively) and try to see what they do he mentions reciprocating, if people comment/share your stuff try to do the same contact people in your target industry dont wait for people, you find them, lurk through stuff to find programmers/developers with no art experience and contact them I'm paraphrasing so maybe I've missed some points, I suppose networking applies here, nicest thing about the internet is it's easy to approach people, you can send out 100s of messages and its low risk and doesn't require a lot of time. You're also free to pick, you can go to polycount or some programming forum and hunt for opportunities from 1000s of people. (i'll pm the message he sent me, I hope he won't mind, as a plug anybody here interested in fantasy/scifi illustration check his webpage and store out. [url]http://www.matheusgraef.com/[/url] He's working on a book as well so if you're into it keep an eye out) One point which I think I'm semi "qualified" to make: you do need to practice. Or at least I think you do. I failed uni because I thought I didn't need practice, I though theory and (perhaps incorrectly assumed) intelligence was enough, granted this was maths but same principle applies I think. If you don't practice then, when it comes to doing stuff for real, when the stakes matter, that is your practice - you'll make mistakes which would otherwise have been in practice and you'll go hard on yourself. I say you and yourself but I mean me and myself, I was in uni, I got arrogant, left everything till last minute/"the real thing", made silly mistakes which I knew I shouldn't have, I got depressed, life stuff happened (mum died) and I got more depressed, I failed uni. You can't control external life stuff and you are not able to avoid all mistakes, but if you practice you'll make the mistakes in practice, when the pressure is off. To anybody else reading this, especially if you performed well at school without trying and are now in uni/college, please don't make the same mistake I did, going from thinking you're good at stuff to thinking you're utterly worthless is falling onto concrete so hard you feel like you'll never get up again, but you can get up. Spare yourself the suffering tho if you can Best of luck making your decision If you choose to stick with the forging your own path and taking the jump, then good luck getting clients/learning skills and having the strength to stick through the hard times. If you choose a more stable path good luck with whatever that may be and remember that it was your decision and you picked it, we all must make decisions and there is no shame in making a decision based on priorities. If the unfortunate happens, and stuff doesn't go as planned then you'll be able to stand up, dust yourself off and find yourself in a situation you can deal with, this isn't said as a consolation or way to put a downer on things, this is said to give you the confidence to jump in the first place, if you choose to. While you're young and/or have a safety net and/or don't have dependants, falls (of the chosen or unchosen variety) are easier to endure imo

I'm going to find an apartment and finally move out of my mom's house. I'm making the food, taking care of the house, and I'm even the one buying all the groceries. I might as well go out and live by myself. Can't carry my own parent anymore, it's not right. Already talking to various renters. This has me incredibly anxious but incredibly excited too. I know myself to be a person who can handle changes fine, but I'm still scared shitless. Still, I already pushed the ball into motion. Wish me luck!

Thanks for the advice, mdeciever! I appreciate that. I think the only thing that scares me is not having the income to keep my health cared for. I barely was able to purchase vision/dental insurance recently and am on a remedial health care plan for everything else but it’s rough out here trying to keep yourself cared for. I’ve been off my meds for a few days because my appointment to renew isn’t until the 17th and I ran out, so I think that might be causing me extra stress. I had an idea for a project I can work on while I’m looking for other work via Upwork (a freelancing platform, if you’re unfamiliar) which can help me get some practice in design application while also building something fun that fits my interests and can also help my portfolio, so I might start working on that today and see where it takes me. If nothing else it’ll just be a fun thing to keep me occupied. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. It helps for sure.

[QUOTE=ilikecorn;53047710] Try calling the doctor and tell them the exact doses that you take, and that you're out of them. Tell em you need like a 5 day supply. Most doctors worth their salt will refill for you, as long as they're not narcotic or heavily controlled. If they agree then great, if not then oh well, you tried.[/QUOTE] It's a new gastrointestinal doctor so I haven't even had my first appointment with them yet, otherwise I would! I can get through the next five days without the meds, it just means I'm tired and cranky until then.

I feel like everyone could benefit from this forum post I found when I googled "I feel trapped in my head" like 4 years ago. [url]http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=72593[/url] Read through it. The most important bit is this reply at the bottom of the first page: [quote]Hey Alex, I know the situation you are in can seem never ending, but by reading your posts i can see that your approach is simply not good enough. Please don't take that as an attack against you, it's not. For starters, your username is absolutely awful and needs to be changed. you may not see it as a big deal, but i know from 25 years of experience that it most certainly is. Stop blaming everything that you feel on external things and begin to take full responsibility for your actions and reactions. Example: "my girlfriend caused this" "I screwed myself up" My nervous system is **** up" Stop this limiting self talk immediately!! If you don't, then there's no hope for you my friend. The number one destroyer of self belief, esteem and confidence is our negative self talk and you seem to like putting yourself down. Get the hell away from playing computer games every day as this is keeping you stuck within your comfort zone, which is exactly what you've trained your mind to want you to do. Your mind is the great trickster and it wants to keep you safe, so, what does your mind tell you to do? It tells you to not go out, it tells you to sit in and play computer games and it tells you that it's hopeless to try change it. You see, that's how the mind works, it knows your greatest fears and it plays tricks to keep you from stepping out into the unknown. It gives you doubts, it tells lies and it ruins lives on an unconscious level if you let it think for itself with no discipline from YOU. Get up each morning before everybody else, go for a 10 - 20 minute walk and breathe deeply the cold morning air. Within that time, notice what thoughts are coming into your mind. If they are negative, which I'll assume they will be, then instantly discard those thoughts and replace them with the opposite ones...even if you don't feel like it...do it. After your stroll, your head should be a little clearer, now, practice meditation for 20 - 30 minutes. (of course if you have never meditated before you're going to have to read up on it and begin practicing each morning). Take a notepad with you during the day and write down what thoughts come into your head that are limiting you. This will begin to alert you to monitoring your self defeating behavior. Doing this every day will make you more aware of what thoughts are really limiting you. Remember, as soon as you notice the thoughts, write them down and then let them go. Do NOT dwell on negative self talk. The cure for fear is to experience the thoughts and physical sensations in that moment. This requires awareness and it is the foundation of all that is true. Resisting fear gives it more power, accept that it is nothing more than a thought and your thoughts only have as much power as you allow them to have. Find an affirmation that encompasses everything you want to be, feel and so on. I like to use the following affirmation... "I have unlimited power at my disposal as i am one with everything that exists. Nobody's opinion of me is of greater importance than the opinion i hold true about myself" Repeat your affirmation with intensity and purpose. You will feel that you are a "fake" at times when you tell yourself this, but remember, that is just your doubtful mind. You are NOT your mind, you are the CONTROLLER of your mind. Flood your mind with positive material, stop looking at news channels and stop reading newspapers. Make a conscious decision to help yourself. Stop repeating the same patterns each day and start to take responsibility for your actions. Everything in life comes down to choices. YOU choose to dwell on negative self talk, you choose to play computer games all day, even in "inaction" there is a choice being made. Stop letting your thoughts run your mind, that's YOUR job. Make a conscious effort to weed out the negative self talk and stop indulging in self pity by telling yourself that you can't change how you feel. How you feel each day is down to the thoughts in your head, and you are the only one who can change them. I can understand when people get lost and feel they have lost their identity, but this can be changed just by being AWARE it is happening "not from outside events" but by "internal events" Go pick up two books and read them over and over and over again until you get below the surface level of awareness. The following two books can change a persons life if they are willing to absorb the insights and get beneath the surface into the deeper meaning of how the mind really works. "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello & "Mind Powers" by John Keyhoe. I know there are breathing techniques and other ways to help cope with anxiety and panic attacks, but from what i have read so far, i think your thoughts are running riot and you are letting them do what they please. This, my friend is a recipe for disaster.[/quote] This post really changed the direction I was in. Particularly the book Mind Powers by John Kehoe. That book really shined the light on how your thoughts water the garden of your life (in my experience, that's been a pretty powerful analogy. It's stuck with me since I first read that book.) Enjoy this poor-quality video of life advice from Will Smith: [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_Z0l-E8Qxk[/media] Particularly the reading part. There really is nothing anyone's experienced that nobody hasn't experienced before. There's no new struggle under the sun. Somewhere out there, somebody has struggled with what you're struggling with, they figured out how to embrace it as a fact of their life, and they wrote a book about it.

I need to move out so bad but I'm scared because I have zero idea what I'm doing at all. I don't even care where I go I just need out.

the feeling of despair is becoming impossible to shake off

[QUOTE=windows098;53051000]I need to move out so bad but I'm scared because I have zero idea what I'm doing at all. I don't even care where I go I just need out.[/QUOTE] You'll never know what it's like till you do it, I jumped into my first apartment with zero real experience and yeah it can be tough, but it's tough for everyone and you will figure it out! Having your own space or even just changing your scenery can do wonders for you if you let it.

Been to the first new apartment I'm looking at in my quest to leave house. Went great, was super awesome, but there are more people waiting in line to check it out so I might not get it myself. Felt great. Went back home, had a bit of text messaging with my ex (we talk often), she mentioned that she and her neighbour are getting more "involved" for some reason. I don't know why she mentioned it, but it sank me right down. Bam, good mood evaporated. I've been thinking that maybe another reason I'm still in contact with her and sort of emotionally volatile concerning her own separate life is that, beyond our messed up relationship that is equal times a platonic acquaintanceship and an awkward fuckbuddy situation, I'm just desperate to feel like someone "needs" me the same way she needed me back when we were together. Every time I feel that her need for me is threatened, I get a mild shock, and it sinks me.

Even when I do try to reach out to people or vent, I just look at myself and I feel so fucking stupid. Everything is an edgy, angsty whining and I cringe and disgust myself fuck

[QUOTE=Bertie;53054046]Been to the first new apartment I'm looking at in my quest to leave house. Went great, was super awesome, but there are more people waiting in line to check it out so I might not get it myself. Felt great. Went back home, had a bit of text messaging with my ex (we talk often), she mentioned that she and her neighbour are getting more "involved" for some reason. I don't know why she mentioned it, but it sank me right down. Bam, good mood evaporated. I've been thinking that maybe another reason I'm still in contact with her and sort of emotionally volatile concerning her own separate life is that, beyond our messed up relationship that is equal times a platonic acquaintanceship and an awkward fuckbuddy situation, I'm just desperate to feel like someone "needs" me the same way she needed me back when we were together. Every time I feel that her need for me is threatened, I get a mild shock, and it sinks me.[/QUOTE] Maybe the shock/sinking feeling is the feeling that she's moved on and you haven't, maybe move on? Easy thing to do would be to distract yourself, join online dating for whatever. Hopefully it'll show you that you got lotsa opportunities and that you don't need her to need you. [sp]I don't wanna advocate using peeps tho, if you're not after anything serious maybe make that clear from the beginning, it might make it seem harder to find peeps but imo it's better than misleading people (and slyly you can blame rejection on a choice you made not mislead people), but its up to you everyone got different beliefs/moral systems[/sp] Harder thing to do is try to get yourself into the mindset that you don't need another's validation, not out of some "damaged" sense of avoiding hurt but out of a "I got mine sorted" sorta sense - obv still get with peeps and enjoy relationships but be there because you want to be, not because you feel like you need to be to prove something to yourself/others.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;53054089]Maybe the shock/sinking feeling is the feeling that she's moved on and you haven't, maybe move on? Easy thing to do would be to distract yourself, join online dating for whatever. Hopefully it'll show you that you got lotsa opportunities and that you don't need her to need you. [sp]I don't wanna advocate using peeps tho, if you're not after anything serious maybe make that clear from the beginning, it might make it seem harder to find peeps but imo it's better than misleading people (and slyly you can blame rejection on a choice you made not mislead people), but its up to you everyone got different beliefs/moral systems[/sp] Harder thing to do is try to get yourself into the mindset that you don't need another's validation, not out of some "damaged" sense of avoiding hurt but out of a "I got mine sorted" sorta sense - obv still get with peeps and enjoy relationships but be there because you want to be, not because you feel like you need to be to prove something to yourself/others.[/QUOTE] It's definitely a part of her moving on and me not moving on. Ironically it was me who broke up with her, but here we are now. I'm very solitary and haven't really been exposed to new people, so she's my only real comfortable "real life" relationship. Pretty obvious when I explain it like that why I haven't moved on. That's partly why I am so eager to move out, because I live in some backwater nothing village without anyone my age or sharing my interests. I don't think I even need to fall in love with someone new to 'move on' from her, I just need to freshen up everything in my life as No Party Hats said a few posts above. I tried online dating but the whole consumerist experience of shopping through people as they list their pluses and minuses on apps like Tinder just makes me cynical. You're definitely right that what I need is some solid, people-driven distraction though. I think no matter how much I try to get into the mindset of not needing validation, it's impossible to get over this broken heart and emotional void by sheer mentality. Sorry for ranting. It's sitting on me like a big heavy boulder right now, and I don't feel comfortable directly turning to anyone for the nth time about the issues I have with my ex. Thank god for this thread!

[QUOTE=Catscratch;53054064]Even when I do try to reach out to people or vent, I just look at myself and I feel so fucking stupid. Everything is an edgy, angsty whining and I cringe and disgust myself fuck[/QUOTE] People say self awareness is a sign of intelligence. Maybe don't go so hard on yourself. If you're unhappy with the way you communicate yourself then perhaps identify which parts you're unhappy with? Maybe watch speakers you admire and try to identify what it is about them that you perceive as charismatic? Communication is a pain, a year or 2 ago at my company there was this coaching thing, a lot of new age pop psychology but I bought into it p big time. One of the major themes there was communication and how to resolve disagreements. Eg someone says something which you find hurtful To infer something is to conclude something about a statement which wasn't explicitly stated. Lots of the time when we're upset/angry by an action or a thing said it is the inferred (rather than explict) meaning which gets us. Sometimes when people speak/action you can incorrectly infer their meaning/intention. I find it helps to, before discussing the thing, explain why it upset you (in a non accusatory way) and to establish the intent behind their statement or action - did they actually intend to slight you and if so, why? Instead of saying "you insulted me" say something like "I felt insulted" I think also being nervous about the discussion can lead to your own communication skills slipping, just gotta practice and perhaps being resolute in what you're doing (ie the discussion) by telling yourself you're doing the right thing might help too. Won't always work though so don't beat yourself up if a middleground can't be found.

Good: I sent my uni application, something which I've somehow been unable to do for the last 2 years Bad: I did it half an hour before the deadline, even though I started it well over a month ago. The combination of absolute apathy for anything other than sleeping, and a strongly nauseous feeling of terror whenever I try to properly think about any important decision like uni fuckin' sucks so this is a nice change tbh let's hope that come october I'll actually be able to make it through a week of lectures after all this, I'd beat my previous record lmao E: also the feeling that I'll be 21 instead of 18 when I start really bugs me since I haven't actually done anything in the years that you'd expect from a 21 year old starting uni, so that age gap really bothers me so I'm just trying to not think about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also anyone in my year at secondary school who took a 3 year course at uni will have completed it when I start haha nice

[QUOTE=RedDagger;53054508]Good: I sent my uni application, something which I've somehow been unable to do for the last 2 years Bad: I did it half an hour before the deadline, even though I started it well over a month ago. The combination of absolute apathy for anything other than sleeping, and a strongly nauseous feeling of terror whenever I try to properly think about any important decision like uni fuckin' sucks so this is a nice change tbh let's hope that come october I'll actually be able to make it through a week of lectures after all this, I'd beat my previous record lmao E: also the feeling that I'll be 21 instead of 18 when I start really bugs me since I haven't actually done anything in the years that you'd expect from a 21 year old starting uni, so that age gap really bothers me so I'm just trying to not think about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also anyone in my year at secondary school who took a 3 year course at uni will have completed it when I start haha nice[/QUOTE] hey I'm 23 and haven't started any type of college at all (and have done literally nothing these last nearly 6 years), probably for the same reason that you never sent your stuff in. I honestly don't think age matters, you just got to focus on you.

dropping venlafaxin because I can't afford it anymore and the government doesn't want to pay for it anymore, getting all the shitty withdrawal symptoms again. bad mood swings etc. had a nice temper tantrum with myself in the shower last evening and smashed my knuckles bloody against the wall

I'm seriously debating the idea of ending my life. I have nothing to live for honestly. I also just dont want to die. Its weird.

[QUOTE=Mud;53056874]I'm seriously debating the idea of ending my life. I have nothing to live for honestly. I also just dont want to die. Its weird.[/QUOTE] Find a reason to live, no matter how painful things might be. Pain tells you that you're still alive and still able to fight, if you choose. The reason you don't want to die is basically just that: we have a very, very strong self preservation instinct in us. But, should a person see themselves as a burden for too long, they might choose self-destructive behavior. However, prolonged emotional and/or physical traumas have a way of distorting the way the mind thinks if it can't cope; sometimes it leads to inappopriate defense mechanisms being used as well, further damaging your sense of self and mental health. Man, you don't need to die, what you need is legitimate help and a lot of it. Not everyone can manage to cope with all their problems, and honestly, I can say neither did I.

[QUOTE=Mud;53056874]I'm seriously debating the idea of ending my life. I have nothing to live for honestly. I also just dont want to die. Its weird.[/QUOTE] I'm much the same way, but I actually do want to die. The only reason why I haven't killed myself at any point in the last 4 years is because I made a promise to my dad before he passed away that I'd keep on trying to do good with my life. Find your own reason to keep on living, even if you're in pure agony.

Anyone here contemplating ending it all needs to know that people are here for you. If you don't believe that, it's just your mind tricking you into thinking you're worth less than you truly are. The thing about this community here at Facepunch is that even tough it's not face-to-face, it is still human-to-human. Please communicate with people. Anyone, message me, message anyone here, text the people in your life. People don't talk about these things on a day-to-day basis, but people truly are open to discussing these things with loved ones. Just don't fucking kill yourself. What are you guys struggling with? What are you doing on a day-to-day basis?

I've had this fear of losing myself recently. What I mean by that is that I'm worried my personality will change for the worse, turning me into someone I really don't want to be who is bitter, cynical, pessimistic, unfriendly etc. I don't know why I'm stressing out about this to be honest. I'm just worried that my circumstances can do this to a person. I only got one guy who I suppose is my friend that I hang out with sometimes. Thing is, I don't enjoy his company and often come back home feeling even worse. I don't actively pursue any hobbies either, nor do I go to school or work. These things combined makes me irrationally worried of becoming someone I don't want to be. Can this happen? Can a person change into someone they don't want to become?

[QUOTE=PredGD;53060402]I've had this fear of losing myself recently. What I mean by that is that I'm worried my personality will change for the worse, turning me into someone I really don't want to be who is bitter, cynical, pessimistic, unfriendly etc. I don't know why I'm stressing out about this to be honest. I'm just worried that my circumstances can do this to a person. I only got one guy who I suppose is my friend that I hang out with sometimes. Thing is, I don't enjoy his company and often come back home feeling even worse. I don't actively pursue any hobbies either, nor do I go to school or work. These things combined makes me irrationally worried of becoming someone I don't want to be. Can this happen? Can a person change into someone they don't want to become?[/QUOTE] Ultimately it's up to the person to decide what they want to become. Our choices in life define who we are on this journey, and we have to make them ourselves. Others may advise us on where we're supposed to go, but finally you decide if you want to listen or forge your own road. It's natural to be angry, upset, or just plain bummed things don't go your way no matter your best efforts. But that's how life is, you can't anticipate every outcome of a situation. You can choose to let your circumstances destroy you, or do your best to rise past them, or at least no longer think they suck so much. Acceptance is the key here - accept there are things you can't change, things that you can change, and that you need to know the difference between the two. If you want to become a bitter asshole who takes out his frustrations by trying to bring others to their level, that's a sin that's entirely on your shoulders, because they did nothing to you that you have to harm them because you believe your life sucks ass. If you're going to do that, always remember that what goes around eventually comes around until you learn your lesson. If you don't like to keep company with this "friend" of yours anymore, make a clean break of it and try to find other friends. This is something you have to make the effort yourself to accomplish.

Oh god, my dad's landlord told us that we have to be out by April, which is incredibly stressful since this puts a lot of time pressure on my existing plans to save up enough money to move in with my friends across the state (I can probably achieve that barely, but now I wouldn't be able to have much of a buffer for emergencies)