Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Had to explain to my sister why I need my meds yesterday She didn't understand at all and that was super frustrating, it's really hard to be like this in a culture that doesn't understand it at all. My family is worried but I can't really speak to them about this stuff since they just don't have a grasp of it.

for fuck's sake i can only cry once every several months i'm a right god-damn mess and when i do cry, it's usually out of nowhere for no reason just a short plunge into depression then it's almost immediately back to normal but this time it was different i had a girlfriend i love her with all my fucking heart, soul, body, everything she made me feel like i was worth something she is absolutely amazing in a million ways and better than me in just as many ways still, i felt like she loved the little goofball that i was then she had a shift in mood or something she grew up in the span of a few weeks and grew out of it and i didn't i can't, and i probably won't i'm a massive fuck-up, i can't study worth shit, i'm a fucking idiot, and i suck at human interaction i can't drink, or else i'd mess my mind up worse than it already is i can't cut myself, or else i'd piss off other people, my parents, and i'm probably gonna end up at the psychiatrist again, and they'll give me stronger pills that'll make me lose my grip on reality even more i've been lying to my parents that i've been taking my pills for a few weeks now i don't want to take them, because i become completely impenetrable i feel nothing, good or bad i don't feel human when i take those fucking pills i don't even wanna die like i wanted before i just wanna be loved, for fuck's sake all my life i've been an unloved, unlovable piece of trash for once, i want something that'll last i can't listen to music because all of it reminds me of her i can't play video games because i just can't feel fun anymore i lost all my ways of escaping my fucking horrifying thoughts and broken heart

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;51204347]for fuck's sake i can only cry once every several months i'm a right god-damn mess and when i do cry, it's usually out of nowhere for no reason just a short plunge into depression then it's almost immediately back to normal but this time it was different i had a girlfriend i love her with all my fucking heart, soul, body, everything she made me feel like i was worth something she is absolutely amazing in a million ways and better than me in just as many ways still, i felt like she loved the little goofball that i was then she had a shift in mood or something she grew up in the span of a few weeks and grew out of it and i didn't i can't, and i probably won't i'm a massive fuck-up, i can't study worth shit, i'm a fucking idiot, and i suck at human interaction i can't drink, or else i'd mess my mind up worse than it already is i can't cut myself, or else i'd piss off other people, my parents, and i'm probably gonna end up at the psychiatrist again, and they'll give me stronger pills that'll make me lose my grip on reality even more i've been lying to my parents that i've been taking my pills for a few weeks now i don't want to take them, because i become completely impenetrable i feel nothing, good or bad i don't feel human when i take those fucking pills i don't even wanna die like i wanted before i just wanna be loved, for fuck's sake all my life i've been an unloved, unlovable piece of trash for once, i want something that'll last i can't listen to music because all of it reminds me of her i can't play video games because i just can't feel fun anymore i lost all my ways of escaping my fucking horrifying thoughts and broken heart[/QUOTE] I'm here if you ever need anyone. Don't hesitate, just inbox me any time, please. <3

Part of my concern for my lost cat is slowly easing out, namely because tons of pheasant and grouse have been around our area, which is actually really abnormal. While I was looking for our cat I also found a small pack of strays in our neighborhood walking around with a dead pheasant, so yeah. Cats are definitely eating around here. Not to mention we also got several sightning reports from folks in our neighborhood, stating they saw him in a fairly specific area.

I don't want to take the fucking meds. Weed makes me feel better. but guess what, no money for pot, cant get a better job because fuck life and drug tests and shit. The only Friday/weekend i have off and all of my "friends" are busy. broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years last week because i cant even think about the idea of marriage or having children without it ruining the rest of my day. artistic inspiration is scarce for me.. i feel like a shell of a human being. Most of all I hate that I can't even block it out with video games or music because it "doesn't sound fun." Such simple words for such a frustrating feeling.

Almost didn't slept for the past three days. Or a couple hours at the very best. It's like i'm conscious, unconscious, then unconscious again. It's not sleep, it's a state of vague consciousness and dreams that don't feel like dreams. I just don't know how to extract myself from these problems anymore. The shrink keeps giving me pills that i simply refuse to take.

It's amazing that this world is so large but it feels like a room with no exits. Food has no taste, my hobbies frustrate me, music sounds like background noise. Hell, even sex doesn't feel like it's worth it anymore. I feel like I'm out of options so I just have to sit here with my thoughts until I die. Nothing works, not even drugs and booze. I just feel flat all the time.

I need music that helps with depression, such as Giles Corey, and Have A Nice Life. I want more with the same style. [video=youtube;sGL5SXrCFXk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGL5SXrCFXk[/video]

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;51204347]for fuck's sake i can only cry once every several months i'm a right god-damn mess and when i do cry, it's usually out of nowhere for no reason just a short plunge into depression then it's almost immediately back to normal but this time it was different i had a girlfriend i love her with all my fucking heart, soul, body, everything she made me feel like i was worth something she is absolutely amazing in a million ways and better than me in just as many ways still, i felt like she loved the little goofball that i was then she had a shift in mood or something she grew up in the span of a few weeks and grew out of it and i didn't i can't, and i probably won't i'm a massive fuck-up, i can't study worth shit, i'm a fucking idiot, and i suck at human interaction i can't drink, or else i'd mess my mind up worse than it already is i can't cut myself, or else i'd piss off other people, my parents, and i'm probably gonna end up at the psychiatrist again, and they'll give me stronger pills that'll make me lose my grip on reality even more i've been lying to my parents that i've been taking my pills for a few weeks now i don't want to take them, because i become completely impenetrable i feel nothing, good or bad i don't feel human when i take those fucking pills i don't even wanna die like i wanted before i just wanna be loved, for fuck's sake all my life i've been an unloved, unlovable piece of trash for once, i want something that'll last i can't listen to music because all of it reminds me of her i can't play video games because i just can't feel fun anymore i lost all my ways of escaping my fucking horrifying thoughts and broken heart[/QUOTE] a broken heart can be difficult to recover from I know what that feels like. I was hurt really bad and I'm still struggling over it. It gets a little better over time though and you start thinking about her a lot less

i dont really ever post here on facepunch because i have this fear of things ive said being all laid out for someone to pick apart. even now i begin to regret typing this, but at least once you hit rock bottom it doesnt really matter anymore. im 22. i was with her for seven years. freshman year of high school. the first five were great, and even with the crushing anxiety towards my looks, actions, thoughts, and just anything someone else could see of me, i was pretty happy because someone thought i was worth anything. we were best friends and i could truly see myself marrying her one day. move forward to the end of senior year. i graduated, made it to a relatively nice college and proceeded to never leave my fucking dorm out of fear and anxiety. over how worthless i am, over the fact i wont ever be anything, over how no matter what i could do physically to better myself ill still have a fucking broken scoliosis back and a face that just looks wrong. as far back as i can remember ive hated myself in every single possible way. with college, now i could have ten thousand other people agree with me. needless to say i flunked. i tell myself it was for her that i didnt kill myself then, since after flunking i had to deal with having wasted ten thousand dollars for my parents and overall being the failure i always knew i was. once i made it to college, my parents moved 1600 miles away for jobs or something. i still dont really know. they left me alone there, but i was used to that, being alone and self sufficient. luckily i had a second chance. an apartment within the same complex as her, a community college. the same thing happened. i couldnt leave my room for class. a failure again, and this time it meant leaving her. since then it was long distance. i would visit every 6 months during school breaks and it was nice. i got a job at a shitty video game retailer in a very high volume area. i learned a lot about people, though mostly it made me bitter and resentful towards others, opposite of the sort of inferiority complex id gained. the visits always had problems. she came here during a time i had to work. she couldnt handle my parents or being alone so she never came back up. id go down there, and something as small as not opening a door or not offering something would set her off and really push that "youre a fucking failure" mindset on me. finally, she calls me. tells me i shouldnt come down this winter. i ask why, and she tells me because i should save my money, since im just doing school right now without income. this goes back and forth for a while, but she keeps pushing the topic, and so i tell her that if she really, really doesnt want me to, ill stay home. immediately she tells me that was the wrong answer, that, [I]if you really cared you would've told me no[/I]. that and how its been two years, why arent i there yet? these things ive explained ten fucking times to her, trying to make her understand that if we want a comfortable life we cant survive off her fucking art degree alone. i need to be the breadwinner, that was always the plan. so it was done. she offered the ol' open relationship, and i told her no. that was that, seven years down the fucking drain. i dealt with it better than i thought, since she'd always been the anchor keeping me from drifting too close to a gun barrel. i only cried a little, only cared for a day. i have loads of friends after all, and if the moon happened to be in the perfect position in the sky maybe i could get over myself long enough to find someone else. but today. i get a text from a friend. this whole time we never made it public that we were done. never facebook official. so, i know right away that this text asking me why and when we broke up meant something was up. lo and behold, shes in a relationship with one of my fucking friends. a guy that finished his mechanical engineering degree already, was also artistic, and a guy she'd known as long as me. the better guy. it took a lot not to break something, and then it took even more effort to not go deep enough into the closet to find the gun case. something like seventy six people liked the post too. to me that says they're all happy the two are finally together, like i was the shitty first date in some romcom that everyone forgets and throws aside. i cant figure out what to do. this all has only made my self hate and bitterness even worse, and i feel its possible i might never find someone again. its become really hard to see the downsides of suicide. tl;dr shoot me in the face oniichan. i apologize for length.

I came here a few days ago wanting to vent (it's since gotten worse but anyway), but I never realized how much pain and sadness the people in this thread experience. Everyone who's in hard times right now, thank you for holding on. I don't really know what kinds of advice to give, and I don't know how to help any of you or if this even will, but I found this on Reddit a while ago: [url]http://imgur.com/gallery/gHZLO[/url] Please hang on. I know it's difficult and things look awful, but just hang in there... better days will come eventually.

The majority of the human mass, believes that they are the center of all living things, as if they're the only specie that is not affected by outer environmental factors, that alter their future actions, feelings, interests, knowledge, opinions, and even the tempo of your breath and medical conditions. Denying determinism is the greatest point of no return, when it comes to the severity of the naive human behavior. It's like denying the possibility the LED lamp got turned off because someone pushed a button, or the tree fell because of the storm when it was also the old roots, including a thousand more reasons, just because we're made out of flesh, and yet we don't even know the definition of existence and life itself; we are limited by our mental capacity and its content, which we 100% rely on, when altering and converting our thoughts to acts. We're nothing but objects with multiple organs that gives us the illusion of 'life', but we're nothing but slaves and prisoners of our own environmental affection. Everything has it's reason, because without reason, nothing would have existed, because even the faulty of randomness has a reason. When you die all your memories will rot away, and there's nothing that can evaluate it, and therefore you can't prove it has ever happened. Whatever you do right now, touching the keyboard, breathing, loving your family, has never happen and will never happen; because it's just like asking someone who they were for 700 years ago. You're life is a void, and there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing's real, not even the text you're reading right now; difficult to believe right? I mean it's right there in front of you... You're nothing. Relativity is the key of time, and the reason for all existence. Even the movement of the wind, that changed the waves of all the grass, made a fundamental difference in our lives 4 billions years ago. If the Big Bang happened once again in a parallel universe, we would still go through the same process into the same destructive end, including all the other 108 billion human lives that have lived, and yet we keep asking ourselves if we really are special and can make a difference. Or do we just have to admit ourselves to the wind and follow the stream to an inevitable death as if anything we did even mattered? Because we still don't know what the undocumented after life is, or what is beyond our universe, because we must still reach out with our human endeavour and find the truth of life. Some wait for the answer, and some take the step the world would never understand. The leap of faith that puts you in free fall, landing onto the journey of the unknown and beyond; are you strong enough to take that step for your own individuality? Or do you have to see yourself as a whole specie? In a thousand years people will look back and call us cavemen, and the future of their time will say the same about them. You're important as the people of ancient Egypt, and nobody knows your name, because all you did was fighting through your entire life without reward. As Kafka once said [I]"What if I slept a little more and forgot about all this nonsense?"[/I]. Just end it now and get it over with. No feelings, no worries, no regrets or shame. 40 million people have been hanged, and over 100 billion people have moved to the after life, why can't you? It's going to happen anyway. I'd rather see if there is an after life. Skip this level, and move forward and see for yourself if there's a better world, if not: Skip again.

That fucking Kafka quoute.

I'm struggling to write this because I'm only just coming to terms with my situation. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for years but never looked towards it like a problem. It was never a constant feeling; some days I'd be happy and fulfilled and other days I couldn't get myself out of bed no matter how hard I tried. I always felt like I was different, but I wasn't sure how. I never felt I needed help and that I'd eventually grow out of it, but the longer I waited for this feeling to move on, the more it felt like it was becoming part of me. I've been hanging out with a lot of cool and interesting people I'd met this year, and I've been skateboarding more and this has really helped me stay happy, but even so I'd be alone and feel lonely and hopeless. Then the other morning I woke up and everything was grey. I felt so fragile and guilty. My best friend texted me and I opened up for the first time and had a complete meltdown. She came to my house and took me to the doctors. Unfortunately the doctor couldn't see me right away as I need to register, but the lady behind the desk managed to get me an appointment in three days (Tomorrow) which for the NHS is unbelievable. I want to start taking medication. I know it won't solve my problem but I need to be able to function again. My room is so messy but I won't clean it. I've barely been able to feed myself, and I've been bunking off loads which only worsens my mood. I'm posting here because I don't want to feel alone in this. If anyone feels the same way and ever wants to talk just message me please

Snipe

I'm debating whether to permanently leave Steam. I hate my work in the SFM community, and lately Source in general. A lot of other creators complain about the users, but most of those people are actually nice. Rather, I can't stand the toxic nature of so many other uploaders. There are so many people on my friends list who talk behind my back, and I'm just forced to take it. If I don't keep them added, it gets worse; those same people previously harassed me on alts before we "made peace," and they're more than happy to do so again. I have enough anxiety without the stress of a literal conspiracy against me, but this is pushing me over the edge and something's got to give. When I check my comments or messages, I get sick to my stomach just expecting more harassment. And when I say harassment, I don't mean criticism, I mean everything from schoolyard-style bullying to simply "kill yourself autistic faggot." When I had my content mistakenly taken down by Blizzard, permabanning me until they lifted it, these same people told me to enjoy my DMCAs. They just don't stop. I know it's all on the internet, and I know I should be thicker skinned. Yet, I can't change the way I feel or simply stop caring. I feel like if I step away, I'll be letting them "win." But for the cost, maybe I shouldn't care; It's gotten to the point where my paranoia of people is inhibiting daily life. What advice do you have for me?

[QUOTE=TFA;51213427]I'm debating whether to permanently leave Steam. I hate my work in the SFM community, and lately Source in general. A lot of other creators complain about the users, but most of those people are actually nice. Rather, I can't stand the toxic nature of so many other uploaders. There are so many people on my friends list who talk behind my back, and I'm just forced to take it. If I don't keep them added, it gets worse; those same people previously harassed me on alts before we "made peace," and they're more than happy to do so again. I have enough anxiety without the stress of a literal conspiracy against me, but this is pushing me over the edge and something's got to give. When I check my comments or messages, I get sick to my stomach just expecting more harassment. And when I say harassment, I don't mean criticism, I mean everything from schoolyard-style bullying to simply "kill yourself autistic faggot." When I had my content mistakenly taken down by Blizzard, permabanning me until they lifted it, these same people told me to enjoy my DMCAs. They just don't stop. I know it's all on the internet, and I know I should be thicker skinned. Yet, I can't change the way I feel or simply stop caring. I feel like if I step away, I'll be letting them "win." But for the cost, maybe I shouldn't care; It's gotten to the point where my paranoia of people is inhibiting daily life. What advice do you have for me?[/QUOTE] Oh, boo hoo woe is me. Stop constantly acting retarded and playing victim. You better be prepared to go public with this retardation because soon enough, more and more people will have videos and proof that you are one of the most shady uploaders on the workshop. That's when you start playing victim. predicting i will get banned and "This is a serious thread for serious people who need help" well why not ban TFA while you're at it? He's just trolling and playing victim.

[QUOTE=GbrosMC;51213497]you are one of the most shady uploaders on the workshop[/QUOTE] this is quite funny coming from the guy who placed the world's shittiest backdoor within his uploads and had a meltdown when he got called out

[QUOTE=GbrosMC;51213497]Oh, boo hoo woe is me. Stop constantly acting retarded and playing victim. You better be prepared to go public with this retardation because soon enough, more and more people will have videos and proof that you are one of the most shady uploaders on the workshop. That's when you start playing victim. predicting i will get banned and "This is a serious thread for serious people who need help" well why not ban TFA while you're at it? He's just trolling and playing victim.[/QUOTE] Never heard of TFA, never heard of a TFA backdoor IF there was a TFA backdoor atleast he doesn't act autistic and tries to show off to little kids that comment on workshop addons He must be good at hiding backdoors! [sp]unlike you[/sp]

[QUOTE=Kevlon;51213582]Never heard of TFA, never heard of a TFA backdoor IF there was a TFA backdoor atleast he doesn't act autistic and tries to show off to little kids that comment on workshop addons He must be good at hiding backdoors! [sp]unlike you[/sp][/QUOTE] I didn't mean shady uploader as in, he uploads shady content. I meant, he is a shady person in general, while also uploading addons. For example, telling people hl2 weapons lag your game worse than his base, unbanning me from his group and telling his minions I have never been banned, etc.

[QUOTE=GbrosMC;51213594]I didn't mean shady uploader as in, he uploads shady content. I meant, he is a shady person in general, while also uploading addons. For example, telling people hl2 weapons lag your game worse than his base, unbanning me from his group and telling his minions I have never been banned, etc.[/QUOTE] He says HL2 weapons lag my game worse than his, What will I ever do? My life is over! At least he isn't trying to learn lua by putting backdoors into the workshop and acting like he's good at anything related to gmod

[QUOTE=GbrosMC;51213594]I meant, [B]he [/B]is a shady person in general[/QUOTE] [T]https://feen.us/jml0.png[/T] when you got called out [T]https://feen.us/01bz.png[/T] when you can't answer a straightforward question regarding a legitimate concern for what you've done before no no you're right keep talking about the person with shady practices here

How about we don't derail this thread and ignore the people who are.

We don't need this shit here.

Take this drama shitstorm elsewhere wow.

simply epic sfm drama [QUOTE=GbrosMC;51213497]Oh, boo hoo woe is me. Stop constantly acting retarded and playing victim. You better be prepared to go public with this retardation because soon enough, more and more people will have videos and proof that you are one of the most shady uploaders on the workshop. That's when you start playing victim. predicting i will get banned and "This is a serious thread for serious people who need help" well why not ban TFA while you're at it? He's just trolling and playing victim.[/QUOTE] TFA do you really have losers who stalk you into threads to harass you? depressing. e: alright im done here not replying to anything fuck fuck fuck dont ban me pascall

i was SO CLOSE

[QUOTE=ZeBull;51213606][T]https://feen.us/jml0.png[/T] when you got called out [T]https://feen.us/01bz.png[/T] when you can't answer a straightforward question regarding a legitimate concern for what you've done before no no you're right keep talking about the person with shady practices here[/QUOTE] >legitimate concern >"does this come with backdoors?" *ear to ear smile in real life haha funi xd* pick one [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Derailing and being stupid" - Pascall))[/highlight]

Not sure what happened the last few pages and I don't care, back on track Do you guys have severe motivational problems when it comes to cleaning and chores? My dorm room is messy as hell and I'm out of clean clothes. I know I need to do it but I just have so much trouble bringing myself to clean for some reason.

[QUOTE=iggy650;51214346]Not sure what happened the last few pages and I don't care, back on track Do you guys have severe motivational problems when it comes to cleaning and chores? My dorm room is messy as hell and I'm out of clean clothes. I know I need to do it but I just have so much trouble bringing myself to clean for some reason.[/QUOTE] You just gotta start. Once you've got that initial momentum it should be a lot easier.