Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50842960]i hate being alone[/QUOTE] It especially sucks feeling alone when a bunch of people are in the same room as you :(

[QUOTE=PredGD;50843696]I feel like I'm pushing everyone around me away. Or I mean, I don't think I'm doing it much to friends but I really feel like I'm doing it with my family. I've become very uninterested in their lives and I'd rather just sit idle on my room all day than to strike up a conversation with any of them. If they first do strike up a conversation I can't help but answer with short replies since I don't think I care or have the energy to care. I'm not sure which one it is. I know that family is something you can always rely on but I shouldn't take it so for granted. These people are always gonna be a part of my life and if I don't tread carefully, I imagine that might end up not being the case. I do think it helps for my sanity to have them around even though I don't really interact much with them. The thought of being 100% lonely which has never been the case due to them being around is a scary thought. At the same time, I really want to detach from their lives but eh. Just now, my sister was playing some music loudly through her audio system. She never really uses it since I absolutely hate the bass it produces and we share walls. Today she seemed to think it was a good idea to put it in use which very quickly irritated me. I went over to tell her that I was in fact home, and she told me she was going to use it for another few minutes. I told her that's not acceptable and that she should turn it off and use her other speaker immediately which she usually does, but today she was going against my word. "No". I tell her yes, and she replies no again and I abruptly cut her off with an angry punch in the wall, raised my voice and told her yet again, "Yes." and went on about how I just can't tackle the sounds of that thing. She looked scared, I think I scared her. She cut the music off pretty quickly after that but now I feel pretty bad. Am I becoming a more irritable person? Am I becoming a less likable person? I'm having more and more episodes where I do in fact raise my voice and go against what people say when in the past, I'd be too scared to do such a thing. It is kinda liberating to be able to tell people to fuck off very bluntly, but where should I draw the line? Am I becoming angry for good reasons here? It is okay to get angry I feel, but the reasons has to be good and it's hard to determine if mine are good when I can only speak from my own perspective.[/QUOTE] I had a very long period where i was like that, but it never seemed to be people close to me, it was always strangers. And it was 9/10 i would start something in public over such mundane and small shit. I dont know what helped me get through it but i'm still rather bitter to unknown people now.

[QUOTE=Xonax;50843368]This story is really convoluted so I will just give you lot the run down and you will have to take my word. Long story short. I have Autism and a Rare Sleep disorder called Non-24 hour Sleep Wake. Both of these made me have to leave school 8 years ago, when I was 8, (17 on Friday), so I didn't really have any friends except for 1 who is my best friend. Back in 2012 I went to Youth Group to Socalize, met a girl who I liked. Stupid stuff on both sides, I think I may have been Emotionally abused as when I was crying, she came up to me and told me she was dating my brother, which wasn't the best thing to hear, same year, Tried to take my own life. Didn't die due to the tablets being weak and needing a ton to even make me sick. Same year I met this other girl who was way friendlier and was awesome, had a crush on her, she was pretty much my second best friend. I would hang out with her nearly every Saturday/Sunday, but I screwed up and in 2013 I stopped talking to her, since last year I found out I still have feelings for her and I can't contact her due to her strict parents not letting her have Facebook, and when I was friends with her she never had a phone. She also moved, and had a falling out with her parents so she is living with her aunt. In 2015 I went back to Youth Group and still go to it, last month I went to a week long event and it was quite emotional for everyone, a friend helped me out and talked to me and gave me advice. Had a crush on her, didn't want to date her, just needed it off my chest. Told her, she isn't interested in dating anyone and life went on Told her about my experience with the girl who I still have feelings for, she tells me that I didn't nothing wrong and it's time to move on Found out she, her brother and another person I know where in the same martial arts class. Now I have been losing touch with reality, as in I am starting to get way more paranoid, not trusting people, not even trusting my friends, I don't even know if they are my friends. I have also been getting thoughts, not suicidal thoughts, just self harm thoughts, cause like I said before, I am starting to lose grip on reality and I have no clue who to trust, and I just need something to happen to ignore it. I have no clue what to do.[/QUOTE] Man, I love/hate when people have avatars of characters I like, because I read all of that in Miller's voice, god dammit :v: Anyway, I don't get the cause of the paranoia, just because they're in the same martial arts class? That doesn't mean they're plotting something or whatever. Unless I missed something.

[QUOTE=ECrownofFire;50844691]It's never wrong to feel a certain way. You don't have perfect control over that regardless. Any wrongness is only from how you deal with those feelings. Try talking to your sister. Ask her how she felt about that. Especially if she mentions anything negative, just say you didn't want to make her feel that way and you're sorry if you did. And Mr. Rogers is always relevant. [video=youtube;xTs73qO5ehk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTs73qO5ehk[/video][/QUOTE] I think it'd be a good idea to talk to her about that, but I notice I feel very reluctant to do so. I'd rather just shove it under the carpet and go on with my life but I think something like this could just further strain our relationship with each other. Honestly, I'm embarrassed by my own reaction to this. I'm not the guy to be mad often, but as soon as I do get mad it's pretty much always "only seeing red" mad. I can't control my actions. [QUOTE=MrJazzy;50844725]Was it really that impossible for you to hang in there for those minutes she said she was going to keep playing and just let her?[/QUOTE] I don't know really. It used to be okay, I used to have some tolerance to it but it has completely faded. I've been trying to find a solution to her wanting to play music loudly while keeping it away from me the past 5 years so my patience has grown very thin. Now I normally just leave the house as soon as she starts playing and come back once she's done. I have no idea why it ticks me off so much, just hearing music from her room is enough to make me either annoyed or really mad. I'm usually fairly drained so I'd rather just be able to relax and that gets hard when the equivlant of a party is blaring off through the thin wall we share.

[QUOTE=Arktomys;50845405]Man, I love/hate when people have avatars of characters I like, because I read all of that in Miller's voice, god dammit :v: Anyway, I don't get the cause of the paranoia, just because they're in the same martial arts class? That doesn't mean they're plotting something or whatever. Unless I missed something.[/QUOTE] I meant, I am having harder times trusting people, and my Paranoia has gotten me to start thinking that they aren't my friends and are just using me. I made that post before I went to bed, sorry if it is a bit screwed up.

I haven't felt depressed lately, but I have felt sort of numb. Depression for me usually manifests as a deep feeling of self loathing or grief. I think this is just coping with the string of no replies to resumes and the fact that my life is going nowhere right now. Sucks man.

I should probably just go back to drinking [editline]8th August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;50843696]I feel like I'm pushing everyone around me away. Or I mean, I don't think I'm doing it much to friends but I really feel like I'm doing it with my family. I've become very uninterested in their lives and I'd rather just sit idle on my room all day than to strike up a conversation with any of them. If they first do strike up a conversation I can't help but answer with short replies since I don't think I care or have the energy to care. I'm not sure which one it is. I know that family is something you can always rely on but I shouldn't take it so for granted. These people are always gonna be a part of my life and if I don't tread carefully, I imagine that might end up not being the case. I do think it helps for my sanity to have them around even though I don't really interact much with them. The thought of being 100% lonely which has never been the case due to them being around is a scary thought. At the same time, I really want to detach from their lives but eh. Just now, my sister was playing some music loudly through her audio system. She never really uses it since I absolutely hate the bass it produces and we share walls. Today she seemed to think it was a good idea to put it in use which very quickly irritated me. I went over to tell her that I was in fact home, and she told me she was going to use it for another few minutes. I told her that's not acceptable and that she should turn it off and use her other speaker immediately which she usually does, but today she was going against my word. "No". I tell her yes, and she replies no again and I abruptly cut her off with an angry punch in the wall, raised my voice and told her yet again, "Yes." and went on about how I just can't tackle the sounds of that thing. She looked scared, I think I scared her. She cut the music off pretty quickly after that but now I feel pretty bad. Am I becoming a more irritable person? Am I becoming a less likable person? I'm having more and more episodes where I do in fact raise my voice and go against what people say when in the past, I'd be too scared to do such a thing. It is kinda liberating to be able to tell people to fuck off very bluntly, but where should I draw the line? Am I becoming angry for good reasons here? It is okay to get angry I feel, but the reasons has to be good and it's hard to determine if mine are good when I can only speak from my own perspective.[/QUOTE] I've become distant with just about everyone. I don't have the energy to strike up a conversation and I find it difficult to muster even a few words to anyone. Just the other day my aunt messaged me on Facebook asking how I was and I didn't even reply back. I wasn't going to lie and say I'm fine when in fact i am far from fine.

Spent [B][U]seven[/U][/B] fucking hours in the hospital (at least five were just waiting, so much for "urgency") for : [I]"nah you got nothing sir, probably tiredness related to too much work"[/I]. :goodjob: I still wonder why i keep wasting my time doing this shit. Probably because i feel so helpless and alone with this situation. Now not only do i feel shittier than before going to that fucking hospital, i feel anxious too, because there were sick people everywhere and potential contamination. And i [B]really[/B] don't need anything else affecting my health negatively right now.

Is it not unfair that no one asks you if you want to be born and if you want this life? you just have to deal with it, but its technically illegal (you know what i mean by this) to kill yourself? it makes me feel so restrained to this life like im bound to a bed and cant get out. Some people call suicide selfish but is it not selfish by that person that you "cant kill yourself" because that would hurt their feelings? like they rather people live badly just because they cant handle when someone commits suicide? Im not here to get pitied no, i just have a lot on my chest, every night when i try to go to sleep i think of things to write on a suicide note, probably have 50+ subjects i want to touch upon. And everytime i think about that, i then think about Karl marx' last words: “Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!” And i agree with that actually. Im an introverted guy, i live by the words that you dont get smarter by being the one who talks over others and being in the center, i mostly like being in the background and listening to the others and what they have to say. Life is not easy to grasp onto right now, After being "pushed" out of my therapist after 11 appointments because im just a product on their assembly line with no quality check. i paid 112$ every time and just at the 10th they tell me this isnt somewhere i can come indefinetely as long as i pay? So much for finally opening up to someone. As i said, i dont want your pity, i just needed to get this off my chest.

Been so insanely anxious the past few days. I can't remember if I made a post about this or not, but a friend of mine is celebrating her birthday in not too long. That's cool, I usually enjoy participating in some drinking and so on, but my old friend is invited as well. I'm confident she hates my guts now so I'm really not looking forward to seeing her again. Ever since I became aware of her coming, my days have become progressively worse and especially at night. It keeps me up at night no matter how tired I am since I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to tackle this upcoming situation, at all. What do I say? How am I supposed to act cool with her around? Will she cause unnecessary drama? It wouldn't surprise me if she does because she is very trigger happy when it comes to exactly that, causing drama. I don't want to chicken out either as I feel it'll only cause this old friend of mine to have even more negative shit to say. Besides, it is kinda rude to skip out on celebrating a friends birthday party after all. I have been thinking of resorting to some "crutches" to keep me going. I suppose I could drink a fair bit before coming but from my experience with alcohol, it can go both ways. It can make me more of a wreck or it can make my foundation stronger. Another thought was to take a recreational dose of amphetamine to raise my confidence but I'm not so sure how I act socially on that. My last idea, which sounds like the one that might give the best results but could also go horribly wrong, is to take a small dose of MDMA. I really gotta strike the perfect sweet spot in that case as I need enough effect to feel it, but I can't feel enough as then people will notice. Then there's also the crash later, it feels just as bad on small doses as it does on heavy doses from my experience. Perhaps bring a prepared capsule with refill to ensure I don't crash too early.

[URL="http://sovmusic.ru/m/katyush2.mp3"]http://sovmusic.ru/m/katyush2.mp3[/URL] Nostalgic

Called UMO (youth health organization) about my depression and anxiety that I've had coming and going for years. They told me I'd get a time within 3 weeks, it's been over that now and I couldn't sleep this night because of anxiety. I'm getting really fucking mad about this.

These past two years have been horrible for me. I can't think of anything good that's happened. I don't know if it's ever going to get better and I don't feel like myself anymore. I miss the days when I was happy. I wish i could just run away from my problems. I don't have anyone in my life anymore and nobody I can really talk to. I guess I'm not meant to. I just have to accept I'll probably always be alone.

[QUOTE=Fussy!;50853177]Called UMO (youth health organization) about my depression and anxiety that I've had coming and going for years. They told me I'd get a time within 3 weeks, it's been over that now and I couldn't sleep this night because of anxiety. I'm getting really fucking mad about this.[/QUOTE] Wow I got a hold of them. I got a time in 4 hours. I'm lucky as hell.

I lied to my psychologist about my suicidalism because I'm afraid what would happen afterwards, anyone know?

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50853752]I lied to my psychologist about my suicidalism because I'm afraid what would happen afterwards, anyone know?[/QUOTE] I don't think they would lock you up or something along those lines. My experience with a psychiatrist was that she asked me what troubled me back then. She was quite calm and patient about it. I'm pretty sure your psychologist will not forcefully lock you up to a bed as all the horror stories tell. Also it's better to be open to your psychologist than to lie to them. Trust me, you need to open up to him/her.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50853752]I lied to my psychologist about my suicidalism because I'm afraid what would happen afterwards, anyone know?[/QUOTE] They probably won't lock you up but ask you if you want to be hospitalized. I told the psychiatrists I was suicidal when I was in the hospital and they didn't make me stay longer

Don't give up people it can change around, it happened for me in the most bizarre of ways.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50853204]These past two years have been horrible for me. I can't think of anything good that's happened. I don't know if it's ever going to get better and I don't feel like myself anymore. I miss the days when I was happy. I wish i could just run away from my problems. I don't have anyone in my life anymore and nobody I can really talk to. I guess I'm not meant to. I just have to accept I'll probably always be alone.[/QUOTE] The sunglasses of depression clouds everything we are blessed to have been given. When there is darkness, only sunshine can follow. The comfort of the modern world is more than enough for us to be happy, but when we forget that and take all of this for granted, we feel worthless, hopeless. We get the need to isolate ourselves. But this is not a natural reaction; Once we've dealt with the initial pain we need to seek out others. The truth is, my brother, we will never be alone, our voice will always be heard, through hardship comes ease and never forget that a moment of misery does not equal the character you have developed yourself to be. Don't let a sudden mist of gloom guide you. You are not what you feel, and what you think; You become. [editline]10th August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=The bird Man;50853752]I lied to my psychologist about my suicidalism because I'm afraid what would happen afterwards, anyone know?[/QUOTE] Never lie to a psychologist, they are meant to help you deal with your thoughts and feelings. Expressing suicidalism will only get you better tools and support to deal with your emotions. [editline]10th August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;50850427]Been so insanely anxious the past few days. I can't remember if I made a post about this or not, but a friend of mine is celebrating her birthday in not too long. That's cool, I usually enjoy participating in some drinking and so on, but my old friend is invited as well. I'm confident she hates my guts now so I'm really not looking forward to seeing her again. Ever since I became aware of her coming, my days have become progressively worse and especially at night. It keeps me up at night no matter how tired I am since I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to tackle this upcoming situation, at all. What do I say? How am I supposed to act cool with her around? Will she cause unnecessary drama? It wouldn't surprise me if she does because she is very trigger happy when it comes to exactly that, causing drama. I don't want to chicken out either as I feel it'll only cause this old friend of mine to have even more negative shit to say. Besides, it is kinda rude to skip out on celebrating a friends birthday party after all. I have been thinking of resorting to some "crutches" to keep me going. I suppose I could drink a fair bit before coming but from my experience with alcohol, it can go both ways. It can make me more of a wreck or it can make my foundation stronger. Another thought was to take a recreational dose of amphetamine to raise my confidence but I'm not so sure how I act socially on that. My last idea, which sounds like the one that might give the best results but could also go horribly wrong, is to take a small dose of MDMA. I really gotta strike the perfect sweet spot in that case as I need enough effect to feel it, but I can't feel enough as then people will notice. Then there's also the crash later, it feels just as bad on small doses as it does on heavy doses from my experience. Perhaps bring a prepared capsule with refill to ensure I don't crash too early.[/QUOTE] The thing about utilizing psycho-active substances to handle anxiety is that it could later become a dependent necessity to handling anxiety in the future. The truth is, this is all in your head and the worst case scenario will only make you better emotionally equipped to deal with future circumstances of the similar kind. Anxiety tends to make ourselves feel more substantial to the situation than we actually are, but when we expose ourselves, we realize, we are simply an individual in a crowded arena. We expect people to place judgement where there may not actually be any grounds to be put on trial.

I feel sick I overdosed on pills, I guess I'll try to sleep it off maybe I won't wake up

[QUOTE=The bird Man;50853752]I lied to my psychologist about my suicidalism because I'm afraid what would happen afterwards, anyone know?[/QUOTE] You can say the wildest things about things you have planned, thought or even tried but as long you end it with "I won't try suicide because in the end it is pointless" you are A-OK. At least that is how it went for me.

i made the mistake in trying to kill myself again last night. i dont know what i was thinking. [editline]10th August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Combine 177;50861043]You can say the wildest things about things you have planned, thought or even tried but as long you end it with "I won't try suicide because in the end it is pointless" you are A-OK. At least that is how it went for me.[/QUOTE] im surprised the hospital i stayed at didnt make me stay longer than two weeks when i told them about my suicidal thoughts. they just asked if i was ready to go home when my time was up

They won't make you do anything, only time they do a thing is if you tell them intent to hurt other people and even then they don't do something about it infront of you

I've suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. I'm in my late 20's now, and I've always kind of known what the root cause of it was, but was kind of in denial until now. Pretty intense sexual anxiety, along with the issue of PE, kept me from pursuing any physically intimate relationship. Now I'm really trying to address this to see if actually helps my depression, but haven't found much that actually helps. Though, I found a drug called dapoxetine that isn't regulated in the US yet, but is in various other countries. I'm curious to know if anyone here has tried it. Thanks for any input!

[QUOTE=VenomousBeetle;50862596]They won't make you do anything, only time they do a thing is if you tell them intent to hurt other people and even then they don't do something about it infront of you[/QUOTE] I don't have the courage to tell them.

I understand but I think you have nothing to fear. Your therapist is there to help you with these feelings, they're doctors (literally in some if not most cases). They gotta know what they're working on. I dunno, consider it, it's the best I can say.

I've been wanting to make a post here for months but have been completely lost on what to tackle first. I guess I'll just start with what I'm most worried about: I'm horribly antisocial and have virtually no friends. I don't think it has anything to do with who I am as a person, I feel like I'd be enjoyable to hang around, but I have a problem making contacts in the first place and getting myself to talk. I think the last time I made a true new friend, online or off, was over a year ago. How do people do that? Is it really as simple as going up to someone and saying hello? I feel like there has to be more to it - unless that's really all there is and I just can't make sense of it. This wouldn't be the first time I overcomplicated things. I've never been a social butterfly, but until a couple years ago I was good at it, it felt natural. I enjoy talking to people when I can get myself to, I just wish it was easier to get myself to. Like it used to be. There's a normal, likable person locked somewhere in my mind and I just don't know how to get him out. Sorry if this turned into a bit of a rant, but I've been frustrated at myself for the past few months over this. I don't think something as simple as talking to another person should be this difficult for me, but here I am.

Lately these past two nights I've been so depressed I just lay in bed because I'm to depressed to do anything else. I don't know what's causing this but it's also making me really tired. [editline]11th August 2016[/editline] I don't feel as bad during the day but during night my depression is overwhelming. It might just be the silence that depresses me. I used to be fine at night but I don't know what's going on now. I've also been thinking about seeing a therapist. It would be nice just to talk to someone about how I feel. I was in group therapy a few months ago for people with both mental illnesses and drug dependency. I didn't really get much out of that since I didn't feel comfortable talking about something's with a group.

Man, deadly diseases asides i wonder if i don't suffer from a food intolerance. Namely gluten. I didn't ate shit in the past two days (mostly vegetables and lots of water) and i felt good, like [I]actually[/I] good, like my mind was finally fucking clear since four months now and i wasn't feeling as dizzy. And i didn't woke up during the night. A straight night of sleep from the beginning to the end, damn it feels good, almost forgot. But i don't have force to fight against my doctor again to get all the tests done. Because at this stage they think [I]"it's just anxiety, just be yourself XD !!!11"[/I]. Fuck. Plus i can't just start and stop eating shit based on such a vague event, i will lost weight and it will snowball again. One thing is sure : once i eat i feel like shit. Tired and dizzy, guaranteed. I also systematically need to shit after one hour / one hour and a half after eating something with more precision than a swiss watch, it's [B]always[/B] the same timing.

I just visited /r/depression to read about what people are writing and I'm honestly not sure what to feel about that place. It's good to have communities where people can talk about these things but it really does turn into an echo chamber. Everyone is writing about their shitty experiences, how stuff isn't working out for them, how suicide is appealing and so on. I notice I get depressed simply by reading the subreddit. I wouldn't be surprised if a depressed person has his depressive period extended because said person participates in a community where depression is the main focus. It's common to hear that "x didn't help with my depression" in places like these which is terrible. It really is case by case basis but if you're depressed, just reading a post about how a thing that might have worked for you doesn't work for them makes it easy to write that off completely.