Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51274794]Did you tell her about him?[/QUOTE] I think he did tell her... I don't know really...

I don't like how quick my mood changes. I often go from the deepest depths of depression where I literally can't stop crying and thinking of/trying to kill myself, to the greatest optimism and confidence and on top of the world without a single care to give. It's really mentally exhausting to go through that rollercoaster on a daily basis. I actually don't hate it, but I also don't like it either. I like being able to feel extreme emotions, and would rather be like this than have flat emotions, but sometimes I wish it was more stable. It's kind of bittersweet, you know?

[QUOTE=Blazyd;51280127]I don't like how quick my mood changes. I often go from the deepest depths of depression where I literally can't stop crying and thinking of/trying to kill myself, to the greatest optimism and confidence and on top of the world without a single care to give. It's really mentally exhausting to go through that rollercoaster on a daily basis. I actually don't hate it, but I also don't like it either. I like being able to feel extreme emotions, and would rather be like this than have flat emotions, but sometimes I wish it was more stable. It's kind of bittersweet, you know?[/QUOTE] I have gone through both pure apathy and what you're talking about and to be honest, feeling genuine emotion is very refreshing. It sucks that you are radically different every day but I'd rather feel something than nothing

I do not know how to deal with the stress of wasting time. Like, this is monumentally stupid, it's literally nothing, but it's a neurotic spot in my brain that literally spawns so much fucking [B]rage[/B] Like tonight, I'm going to a hockey game that I frankly, don't want to go to, but it's my girlfriends treat(free tickets from her work) and she wants to go. So i'm going. I work til 5 today, games at 7. I'm going to go home, wait around my house for like, 30 minutes to 45, and then leave to catch the train down town. I'll be out until like 10, 10:30 tonight. I work in the morning tomorrow, and I don't feel like I'm going to get any time to do anything I want to do tonight before I have to go for literally the worst day of the week, every week. I get how pointless complaining about that is, but like, it causes me anxiety and rage out the fucking wazoo and I don't fucking get it. The older I get, the less time I have for anything I actually enjoy, and with depression only getting worse as I get older, it's only getting harder to find things that make me joyful for a few minutes here and there. the more time I have to devote towards everyone elses bullshit, obviously the less left for me and I just feel like I'm constantly dealing with other peoples bullshit taking up my time. It's infuriating. I'm not even sad about this because I'm just literally too angry to feel sad about it. Rage and anger are emotions that have gotten me through a lot of tough times and a lot of bullshit, but I really hate not being able to reel in my internal rage at stupid shit like this

Seems like the guy on edge is doing bearly worse now... I'm scared being online, in case he finds out... I never thought depression, anxiety, bipolar tendencies and everything could cave in on my again. God damn it, I though I actually made some progress but no... I'm still broken, my friends have been upset by me and I'm again doubting huge chunks of my life... Why... As one of my favorite artists would have said... "This is it? This is desert... What the hell love?" I wish I didn't exist right now... Why do I even exist...

Feeling really bad right now. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. [editline]30th October 2016[/editline] I kind of think I need to go away again but I don't want to deal with the drama. I'll just wait and see what the psychiatrist recommends.

It's been nearly two weeks since I've last made IRL social contact. Not really sure what to think of it. Should I be thinking of this as, like, a problem, or maybe just a lifestyle choice? [QUOTE=HumanAbyss;51280275]I do not know how to deal with the stress of wasting time. Like, this is monumentally stupid, it's literally nothing, but it's a neurotic spot in my brain that literally spawns so much fucking [B]rage[/B] Like tonight, I'm going to a hockey game that I frankly, don't want to go to, but it's my girlfriends treat(free tickets from her work) and she wants to go. So i'm going. I work til 5 today, games at 7. I'm going to go home, wait around my house for like, 30 minutes to 45, and then leave to catch the train down town. I'll be out until like 10, 10:30 tonight. I work in the morning tomorrow, and I don't feel like I'm going to get any time to do anything I want to do tonight before I have to go for literally the worst day of the week, every week. I get how pointless complaining about that is, but like, it causes me anxiety and rage out the fucking wazoo and I don't fucking get it. The older I get, the less time I have for anything I actually enjoy, and with depression only getting worse as I get older, it's only getting harder to find things that make me joyful for a few minutes here and there. the more time I have to devote towards everyone elses bullshit, obviously the less left for me and I just feel like I'm constantly dealing with other peoples bullshit taking up my time. It's infuriating. I'm not even sad about this because I'm just literally too angry to feel sad about it. Rage and anger are emotions that have gotten me through a lot of tough times and a lot of bullshit, but I really hate not being able to reel in my internal rage at stupid shit like this[/QUOTE] I do this a lot. Used to be a lot worse with it, to the point where I'd barely sleep just because I'd get pissed off for the wasted time that came with that. I even used to have a little timer on the home-screen of my phone that I had the average human death age in minutes subtracted from my current age in seconds, ticking down slowly.

[quote=HumanAbyss]snip[/QUOTE] I've had similar problems before. People would push me to do things and I'd end up with no time for myself for days. But I decided to put my foot down. When I want time for myself, I tell people I'm too busy. Even if I plan to sit on my ass all day, I tell people I'm busy. I work a graveyard shift, so I sleep during the day. And other people forget that and expect me to find time for them. I decided to be more selfish and focus on giving myself enough time each week to sleep and to have fun. Once in awhile I'll give others time to hangout. But my main focus is usually on my own needs. I basically just stop worrying about what other people want and try to focus mostly on myself. May be selfish, but it's more relaxing.

Does anybody else find it difficult to eat anything when your depressed

Mind if I vent for a few moments? [QUOTE=Crpto2007;51282170]Does anybody else find it difficult to eat anything when your depressed[/QUOTE] Absolutely, my diet seems to consist of snacks every now and then with the occasional meal with family.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51281627]Seems like the guy on edge is doing bearly worse now... I'm scared being online, in case he finds out... I never thought depression, anxiety, bipolar tendencies and everything could cave in on my again. God damn it, I though I actually made some progress but no... I'm still broken, my friends have been upset by me and I'm again doubting huge chunks of my life... Why... As one of my favorite artists would have said... "This is it? This is desert... What the hell love?" I wish I didn't exist right now... Why do I even exist...[/QUOTE] You really need to block all communication with this guy. It's obvious that he is unstable but if he does anything its not your fault.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51282329]You really need to block all communication with this guy. It's obvious that he is unstable but if he does anything its not your fault.[/QUOTE] That's means leaving her behind, my friends behind and a lot if my work though... Ugh... You are probably roght, that's what's killing me...

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51282663]That's means leaving her behind, my friends behind and a lot if my work though... Ugh... You are probably roght, that's what's killing me...[/QUOTE] That nutjob and her are not (or should not be) a package deal. It doesn't have to mean leaving her behind but that guy obviously needs professional help

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51282663]That's means leaving her behind, my friends behind and a lot if my work though... Ugh... You are probably roght, that's what's killing me...[/QUOTE] Is that guy part of the group of people you know? Would it be at all possible to just cut him out of your life?

Everytime something good happens to me something bad was waiting right around the corner, making me even worse that before both things happen. I'm just so fucked up in the head and so fucking lonely that one day I might actually commit mass murder or rape an innocent girl, I'm not kidding, my I'm so fucking angry and desperate at everything. When I become angry I just hold myself from doing something bad or stupid. I think it would be better off for me and everyone else in the world if I was just dead to prevent all of these from happening..

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282898]Everytime something good happens to me something bad was waiting right around the corner, making me even worse that before both things happen. I'm just so fucked up in the head and so fucking lonely that one day I might actually commit mass murder or rape an innocent girl, I'm not kidding, my I'm so fucking angry and desperate at everything. When I become angry I just hold myself from doing something bad or stupid. I think it would be better off for me and everyone else in the world if I was just dead to prevent all of these from happening..[/QUOTE] You HAVE to see a psychiatrist ASAP. Like literally go right now and see someone

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282898]Everytime something good happens to me something bad was waiting right around the corner, making me even worse that before both things happen. I'm just so fucked up in the head and so fucking lonely that one day I might actually commit mass murder or rape an innocent girl, I'm not kidding, my I'm so fucking angry and desperate at everything. When I become angry I just hold myself from doing something bad or stupid. I think it would be better off for me and everyone else in the world if I was just dead to prevent all of these from happening..[/QUOTE] This is not something you mess around with if you're seriously considering hurting someone else. Seek professional help.

I think I'm beyond help at this point really, I can't keep it all anymore, I've lost too many things and I just want this to be over.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282917]I think I'm beyond help at this point really, I can't keep it all anymore, I've lost too many things and I just want this to be over.[/QUOTE] No one is beyond help, you'll never know unless you try.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282917]I think I'm beyond help at this point really, I can't keep it all anymore, I've lost too many things and I just want this to be over.[/QUOTE] You never know unless you try.

The thing is, when you start saying you're considering hurting someone else, your priority is to find someone who can keep you from doing that, first and foremost. You won't be cured, you probably won't even find someone to talk to right away, but you need to find somewhere to go where someone can be sure that you won't seek someone else out with intent to hurt them. Safety is number one priority in that case and you want to do that before someone finds it prudent to institutionalize you for the safety of yourself and others.

I just can't sit and talk to someone about my problems like that nor listening to advice that won't work for me. I just want everything to work out for me, but it never does. I'm becoming more and more useless and a failure of a human being in many ways and I just want to die. I don't want to live in this fucked up life of mine.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282932]I just can't sit and talk to someone about my problems like that nor listening to advice that won't work for me. I just want everything to work out for me, but it never does. I'm becoming more and more useless and a failure of a human being in many ways and I just want to die. I don't want to live in this fucked up life of mine.[/QUOTE] Of course it isn't that simple, but you have to start somewhere. There is no solution out there that is going to fix all of your problems instantly; getting help is a process. Nothing is going to work out for you if you refuse to try to improve. And for the love of god, don't harm anyone. That doesn't help you or anyone else.

I'm not going to see a psychiatrist, I swear it won't work, trust me I just can't. I've tried hard and forced myself to improve many times before, even so far as becoming someone I am not, becoming myself, pushing myself and sacrificing things I have, I've thrown many things at life and still here I am. I won't hurt anyone, but I'm so fucking angry and desperate at life that it probably would happen soon. I'd better just get rid of myself before you see another rape or murder crime on the news with my fucking ugly face on the picture. I've tried to keep holding on like many people told me to do, but what they don't know is that you can only hold on for so long. I'm not going through a tunnel where I'll find a light at the end of it, I'm falling through a deep pit and soon I'll hit the bottom and die.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282958]I'm not going to see a psychiatrist, I swear it won't work, trust me I just can't. I've tried hard and forced myself to improve many times before, even so far as becoming someone I am not, becoming myself, pushing myself and sacrificing things I have, I've thrown many things at life and still here I am. I won't hurt anyone, but I'm so fucking angry and desperate at life that it probably would happen soon. I'd better just get rid of myself before you see another rape or murder crime on the news with my fucking ugly face on the picture. I've tried to keep holding on like many people told me to do, but what they don't know is that you can only hold on for so long. I'm not going through a tunnel where I'll find a light at the end of it, I'm falling through a deep pit and soon I'll hit the bottom and die.[/QUOTE] What are you basing that believe on? I know that getting help is really hard but there is no reason to think that it will absolutely have no effect on you. You have to want to improve before you can get any better, and part of that means stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something about it.

[QUOTE=The cheese;51282211]Mind if I vent for a few moments? Absolutely, my diet seems to consist of snacks every now and then with the occasional meal with family.[/QUOTE] Fire away. Though that eating schedule sounds pretty normal, unless you mean the only meal you eat with them is dinner perhaps. Ultimately depends on what's coming in rather than how often on whether that's healthy or not.

[QUOTE=thelurker1234;51283018]Fire away. Though that eating schedule sounds pretty normal, unless you mean the only meal you eat with them is dinner perhaps. Ultimately depends on what's coming in rather than how often on whether that's healthy or not.[/QUOTE] Well, here we go, first time back here in a while and I beeline to the issues thread, but oh well. Basically I've been in a rut for the past decade or so. Now I've been the miserable sort all my life, for as long as I can remember the mantra seems to be "why bother?" so me and effort at life have never really been on speaking terms. To cut a long boring story short; self harm, self neglect and not being able to really deal with people caused me to find myself homeless at 17, I drifted for a while and then realised I should probably have a crack at that whole "adulthood" thing. Safe to say it didn't really work out and the problems of trying to juggle a shit job on top of trying to look after myself proved too much and I've found myself signed off work by doctors. The major kicker seems to be despite the fact I can barely look after myself and not really care about myself, I still see myself as being totally unreasonable about the whole thing with my "life sucks, fucking quit" attitude. I mean, I'm not living in a war zone, I have access to basic human needs such as food, drink and a home and I have never been a victim of severe abuse. But despite the fact I recognise these blessings I still feel like my life is one not worth living. It's hard to put into words really, feeling like I'm constantly being dealt a crap hand while at the same time seeing every problem as a result of my own failings. Anyway, that's the synopsis to the whole sorry debacle of my existence but it feels good to just vent once in a while. Cheers for listening and whoever you are, you rock! [B]*Edit*[/B] Just noticed how many times "I" and "myself" appear in this post, hot damn.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51282958]I'm not going to see a psychiatrist, I swear it won't work, trust me I just can't. I've tried hard and forced myself to improve many times before, even so far as becoming someone I am not, becoming myself, pushing myself and sacrificing things I have, I've thrown many things at life and still here I am. I won't hurt anyone, but I'm so fucking angry and desperate at life that it probably would happen soon. I'd better just get rid of myself before you see another rape or murder crime on the news with my fucking ugly face on the picture. I've tried to keep holding on like many people told me to do, but what they don't know is that you can only hold on for so long. I'm not going through a tunnel where I'll find a light at the end of it, I'm falling through a deep pit and soon I'll hit the bottom and die.[/QUOTE] You're not the first one out there to claim that getting help won't help your situation. Depression clouds your mind. It can easily make it seem like 10 minutes of trying one thing is the same as actually trying it for an extended period of time. Exaggerated of course but I'm sure you get the point.

I think I might have finally gotten a medicine that works for me. Staying optimistic.

Once again I cannot shake the fucking feeling people just hate me and hate being around me. I tried to go along, I really did. Went airsofting this weekend, and I planned for someone to go along, but he got sick at the last moment, so I ended up being all alone yet again. I was allowed to sit with a tight knit group of players at their campfire and they shared some food with me. Which I really appreciate. It was good not being lonely despite being alone. However, I didn't really get the chance to talk with them most of the time, so I used the hatchet of one of the guys to cut some wood for the fire to get my mind off things. When I greeted them goodbye and thanking them for the company and fun, most of them outright didn't look at me, and only one guy's response felt heartfelt. I just want to go along with the people who enjoy the same hobby as I do. I hope that isn't too much to ask for. But according to my mind it is