Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Sgt. Khorn;51282812]Is that guy part of the group of people you know? Would it be at all possible to just cut him out of your life?[/QUOTE] Maybe, but I'm worried about him... And we share a lot of stuff together, we have a Youtube channel together and stuff that I don't wanna lose right now... I wish I didn't feel so guilty about all of this... Also, this is only what he have done recently. Most people I talk with call him an asshole, and you may all be right... But I'm worried... And she is worried, and my and her friends are worried... Also, if I cut him out, he might kill himself... Which is not ideal either...

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51284654]Maybe, but I'm worried about him... And we share a lot of stuff together, we have a Youtube channel together and stuff that I don't wanna lose right now... I wish I didn't feel so guilty about all of this... Also, this is only what he have done recently. Most people I talk with call him an asshole, and you may all be right... But I'm worried... And she is worried, and my and her friends are worried... Also, if I cut him out, he might kill himself... Which is not ideal either...[/QUOTE] He isn't going to kill himself. No matter what happens to him, it isn't your fault, he is acting like a plague on your entire life and you absolutely need to cut him off.

Maybe you are right...

Starting tomorrow, I'm no longer going to give in to my compulsions. I am a programmer, and I have an unnatural obsession with perfectionism and constantly rewriting my code until it is just right. I have over 100 unnecessary files of code on my computer, most of them varying only little from each other. I've spent weeks writing a single file just because it doesn't meet my unrealistic expectations, and it is getting in the way of me succeeding in my programming capstone required for me to graduate. I like to think I'm a smart person, but I believe my OCD gets in the way of my success. If I can find a way to battle my compulsions, I like to hope that I can do so much more with programming.

Haha trying to get things done nice joke when nothing works out anyway That doctor's appointment and dentist time? Paycheck isn't arriving until the 15th or something so I won't be able to afford them, and even if I could I couldn't get to them because bus card ran out and I can't afford to replenish that In fact due to student loan being rejected, basically zero work recently and already being in the negative all this shit coming together at such a convenient time I doubt I'll be able to even afford to pay my bills or rent Probably just dropping out of school, when jobless I get more money than when studying anyway. It's not like I've stepped on the grounds for three weeks anyway.

I'm so alone and it really hurts. Nobody has ever given a damn about me or at least that's what it feels like to me. I'm trying to stay positive but my life is really depressing. I feel like everyone hates me and I don't know why. I feel like a lot of my family doesn't like me. I can't blame anyone if they do hate me because I also hate myself

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51285973]I'm so alone and it really hurts. Nobody has ever given a damn about me or at least that's what it feels like to me. I'm trying to stay positive but my life is really depressing. I feel like everyone hates me and I don't know why. I feel like a lot of my family doesn't like me. I can't blame anyone if they do hate me because I also hate myself[/QUOTE] You're sticking yourself in a loop. The more you hate yourself, the more you think other people hate you too, and so on and so forth. I don't know if this is the healthiest solution but I really just faked it till I made it. I just acted falsely confident and it made me feel like people liked me more which made me like myself more

A couple years ago I made [URL="https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1400809&p=45094820&viewfull=1#post45094820"]this infamous post[/URL] and I decided to see whether or not any of the points have been "fixed" or not. [QUOTE]1) I am a huge asshole who cannot listen to someone if they are hurting. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 2) I eat everything and am greedy and leave nothing for anyone else.[B] NOT[/B] [B]FIXED[/B] 3) Autism (Aspergers) You have no idea how hard it makes it to understand how people (girls) work. [B]I CAN’T FIX IT[/B] 4) OCD I do awkward jumping motions and have to touch things a certain amount of times. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 5) I am 19 and still in school, and I'm going to stay there until I'm 20. [B]TOO LATE TO FIX[/B] 6) ADHD so I can't pay attention to a single thing at a time which makes it harder to focus. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 7) Severe social anxiety, because of this I rarely have any friends or experience. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 8) Has yellow teeth and poor gums, too late to fix the yellow teeth problem. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 9) Ugly neckbeard for being too lazy to shave. [B]EXCUSE FIXED, BUT I'M NOT SHAVING THIS FALL[/B] 10) I rarely shower and smells bad but I keep forgetting to take a bath or shower. [B]FIXED[/B] 11) No money to buy anything, when I do get money I would rather spend it on video games rather than jewlry [B]FIRST PART FIXED, SECOND PART NOT FIXED[/B] 12) I don't listen to dance or pop music, which is usually what girls like. I prefer progressive rock which makes pussies as dry as the Sahara [B]NOT EVEN A REAL PROBLEM[/B] 13) I am extremely dependent and my mom does everything for me. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 14) Never even had a kiss and at this age it's laughable, nobody wants to be with a "young adult" who has the romantic experience of a child. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 15) My room smells and is dirty, who would want to be with someone who can't even take care of themselves. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 16) No social life, literally zero friends. Who wants to be with a schizoid freak? [B]FIXED TO AN EXTENT, AND YOU’RE NOT SCHIZOID[/B] 17) No job and not even looking for one because I wouldn't be able to keep one. [B]FIXED[/B] 18) Can't drive or even ride a bike, if you think no money is bad imagine not even being able to go to a date. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 19) Extremely weird fetishes, there are so many that even if a girl likes one or two, the rest will make them nope right the fuck out of there. [B]DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FIXABLE[/B] 20) Not physically active at all and would rather play video games or watch cartoons. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 21) No table manners, I tried but just can't seem to keep myself civil. [B]FIXED[/B] 22) I watch my little pony, no further explanation needed. [B]FIXED[/B] 23) I take anti-psychotics, just hearing that damn word makes women run for the hills! [B]THOSE ARE SLEEPING MEDS, WAS NEVER A REAL PROBLEM[/B] 24) Depression and self-hatred, because women find that to be terrifyingly pathetic. [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 25) I ask the worst questions at the worst times. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 26) Won't shut up about myself, I always talk about me and am rarely interested in other people. [B]NOT FIXED[/B] 27) Can't do simple tasks like open up a case of pop properly or even be able to go in a lineup without doing something stupid and awkward.[B] WAS THIS EVER A PROBLEM?[/B] 28) I act extremely creepy and can't help myself from seeing attractive women as "possible future sex things." [B]WORKING ON IT[/B] 29) Cannot be arsed to do even the simplest of tasks and chores such as mowing the lawn or putting away the dishes. [B]FIXED[/B] 30) I spent valuable time to make a list of 30 reasons on an internet forum as to why I cannot have a relationship. [B]DUMB FILLER POINT[/B] [/QUOTE] 6.5 issues fixed, working on 7 issues, 9-10 issues not fixed, 7 issues omitted due to being unfixable or just being generally dumb points. Edit: I gave myself too much credit

I'll make an assumption and say you probably have a clearer state of mind then you used to. Isn't it nice to see what a change of perspective can bring? Also: [QUOTE]22) I watch my little pony, no further explanation needed. FIXED[/QUOTE] nice

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51287907]You're sticking yourself in a loop. The more you hate yourself, the more you think other people hate you too, and so on and so forth. I don't know if this is the healthiest solution but I really just faked it till I made it. I just acted falsely confident and it made me feel like people liked me more which made me like myself more[/QUOTE] I just don't like myself very much. I always mess everything up and can't do anything right. Every good thing that happens to me eventually turns into a bad thing or just disappears entirely. I'm stuck dealing with the consequences of bad decisions I've made and most can't be fixed. I haven't got a reason to keep going anymore. I've been trying to find a reason but I just don't see any. I don't think anyone really understands how much I'm hurting

Best thing about depression is the constant urge to masturbate. You do it so much you get tired of it, and later on forget doing it for months. I don't feel anything at all.

Thought I had my health under control and it went straight back to shit. Toilets fucking clogged and my colitis is flaring so that's real fun. Stuck pissing my time away on the computer. I'd rather be learning to draw but my body is just failing on me. Depression is fucking me up right now. God this shit is fucking stupid. Just give me some goddamn respite so I can dig myself out of this hell.

These past few weeks I've never felt so down. I'm mostly a positive and cheerful guy, now all the sudden I have this urge to push people away. I've been rude to my friends, constantly saying things that are not needed and bring down the mood. All my past failures and regrets I've managed to push to the side and look at the bright side of life. Now they've taken over me and I'm struggling to get out of this ditch. I have no idea what's causing me to behave this way, and I'm hoping I have enough motivation to get out of it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51291818]Best thing about depression is the constant urge to masturbate. You do it so much you get tired of it, and later on forget doing it for months. I don't feel anything at all.[/QUOTE] Really? I've pretty much stopped jackin' it altogether recently.

I need serious help. Every time I hear my mom and my older brother yelling at me I just feel a strong urge to hit her and attack my brother. So far I haven't done anything, but I have been swearing at them and sometimes throw objects around them and jump at them. I know you guys might think I'm being super edgy or that I'm not being serious, but it's the truth, whenever I hear them scolding me I just can't take it anymore. I just feel like breaking havoc, I want them to be on the same level as me, I want to drag them down and make them feel the same fear and confusion I feel when they scold me. They are unaware of it, I know, because there is something wrong with me, but I wish they just could see how life looks like from my perspective, if they could only hear themselves through my ears and realize "Maybe I'm going too far". I don't know what I'm going to do. My heart says kill them, my head says "fight or run away" and I just can't stop shaking. I feel a rush of blood going through my arms ending in the tips of my fingers, I just feel desperate to hurt them. All I want is help, I want someone to listen to me, to understand me. I want someone to tell them that there is something wrong with me and that maybe what I need is something more than just being yelled at. I'm not asking to be treated like a god or something, all I want is just, help, but I can barely afford it and my friends are all tired of dealing with me and the new friends I've met seem way too innocent or nice people for me to tell them about all my problems. At this point I feel like a burden, my brother tells me "Where do you think that attitude is going to take you in life?" I wish I could explain my family what my problem really is, but I don't know how to do it because every time I try they tell me to stop being sad or just get motivated. This is probably the weirdest post I'm going to make in this thread, I'm gonna try and describe the problem to you guys and well, you tell me what you can see on it. My therapist already told me I have very low self esteem but so far all I've been told is just "think positively", but that's difficult because I have problems with thinking positively in first place.

I've always had a hard time being social just because I was too scared to try it, but lately now that I have been trying it it's really fucking hard for me to shake the feeling that nobody actually wants to talk to me or spend time with me so it's sorta driving me back a few steps again

[QUOTE=azure 505;51298532]I've always had a hard time being social just because I was too scared to try it, but lately now that I have been trying it it's really fucking hard for me to shake the feeling that nobody actually wants to talk to me or spend time with me so it's sorta driving me back a few steps again[/QUOTE] I'm not saying it is, but it could all be in your head. I used to think the same but as time has passed it seems to be the opposite. People want my attention when I'm with them. They're not acting any difference I just perceive it differently.

Five weeks have passed and things have swayed between better and worse. We start where we left off with a text sent to her that I was giving myself two days, how I hated her with how she flat out ignored my implications of wanting to kill myself. She called me, we talked about all the things she said when she offered the wonderful choice of an open relationship. I've totally forgotten what we even talked about now. Mostly about how she could say and do the things she did, because fuck, I never thought she'd tell me that she'd never felt that feeling you get when crushing on someone towards me. Wow. Call ended, I showered, drank until I couldn't really stand, and just sat staring at a wall for four hours, thinking. I nearly killed myself then and there. It would've been pretty easy, and perhaps my own fucking procrastination over how easy things can be done at any moment in time kept me from doing anything. To be fair I couldn't find rounds. Parents came home. They saw me just fucking around in GTA and became upset that I wasn't doing homework or studying. Explaining to them that I almost killed myself was hard, they've never been able to understand. I learned a lot about my mom's depression at least, and from the whole ordeal got myself to call my school therapist the next day. They sent an ambulance, firetruck, and two police cars to my house. Probably because I didn't care enough to lie about there being a gun in the house that I wanted to kill myself with. I wasn't expecting that, pretty embarrassing. Oh well, after that my mother and I went out just to relax. During the ride we talked. Cutting contact with the ex came up. I was still pretty pissed. I texted her that we shouldn't be friends anymore, goodbye. She took that as my suicide note and called me three times, and then my mom, and dad, and one of my other friends from my old state, the same one that originally text me to ask me about our break up. He immediately called me and asked me if I was okay. Listening to the voice mails she left fucking destroyed me, her bawling over the phone, begging me not to do it. I had to call her even after saying I never wanted to talk again. She talked about how she thought she hooked up with another dude too fast, that she hated the facebook post because it was just all his friends and no one cared about her. It made me feel better, since at least this was some kind of closure. We both said that if we really needed the other, we would be there. I guess it wasn't a true cut-off. The therapist has helped a little. School has a three-visit sort of deal, so the goal of our visits has been finding me a long term. I'm worried it won't help. I've been to three others, taken depression medication, etc. I'm trying at least. Out of nowhere I fell back into that deep depressive state though. The realization just keeps fucking coming back, reminding me that this person with which I've experienced all of the good memories in my life with is gone; the only person I ever felt truly comfortable with. I looked again on facebook, and she's unfriended me and doing oh so fine. Guess I shouldn't expect her to ask me how I am. It all feels like giant chunks of flesh are just missing from me, and nothing/no-one can fill them back. I keep telling myself I'm going to go ahead with the plan. A few other things have happened but this is already long enough. Blogpunch complete.

Just woke up from a panic attack... Ugh... (It's 4 in the morning...)

It hurts when you miss someone and realize you will probably never see that person again. I can't think about her or I'll just make myself depressed

Someone thought I invited a freak to a private group chat, even though I'm not there, so they started to question me and made me look worse... And now my ex-girlfriend felt really bad about it... Since we both hate him... Life is cruel sometimes, if not always...

so my anxiety chalks up another fuck up: [url]https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1537757&p=51304550&viewfull=1#post51304550[/url] She said she will think about it after sleep but I feel like its over entirely. So i get to spend my Bday alone with the bottle and wonder why i should bother living if my entire life is plagued with what ifs that literally feast on my sanity/relationships.

[QUOTE=codemaster85;51304601]so my anxiety chalks up another fuck up: [url]https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1537757&p=51304550&viewfull=1#post51304550[/url] She said she will think about it after sleep but I feel like its over entirely. So i get to spend my Bday alone with the bottle and wonder why i should bother living if my entire life is plagued with what ifs that literally feast on my sanity/relationships.[/QUOTE] Did you explain your situation to her? I think she will realize that everyone explodes sometimes. You were in a very tough, stressful situation and you snapped at her. It sucks, but it happens, and I am absolutely positive that your friendship/relationship won't end because of it. To be honest, if something as simple and human as that ends it, it wasn't worth sustaining in the first place. You can do this, man.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51304614]Did you explain your situation to her? I think she will realize that everyone explodes sometimes. You were in a very tough, stressful situation and you snapped at her. It sucks, but it happens, and I am absolutely positive that your friendship/relationship won't end because of it. To be honest, if something as simple and human as that ends it, it wasn't worth sustaining in the first place. You can do this, man.[/QUOTE] considering her past 3 exs were abusive towards her, i don't blame her if another person she got close to just snapped at her like i did.

[QUOTE=codemaster85;51304631]considering her past 3 exs were abusive towards her, i don't blame her if another person she got close to just snapped at her like i did.[/QUOTE] You weren't/aren't being abusive. Everyone, [I]especially[/I] people with anxiety, have their mini-emotional-meltdowns, it's just part of being a human being. Take your time with her, be patient, I'm sure that she will understand that you were just stressed and that you aren't like that as a person. This is your chance to show her that, even though people are flawed, not everyone is all bad. If you let this relationship end on that note, you're not helping yourself nor her.

I just realized it's been a year now since I last had a drink. I had a problem for awhile drinking. Feels good to be sober

I can't do this anymore.. I'm just too weak and too fucking stupid to face the harder things that's coming for me.. I managed to fuck everything up. Everything. I don't have anyone anymore and nobody is coming. I just want to die.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51284654]Maybe, but I'm worried about him... And we share a lot of stuff together, we have a Youtube channel together and stuff that I don't wanna lose right now... I wish I didn't feel so guilty about all of this... Also, this is only what he have done recently. Most people I talk with call him an asshole, and you may all be right... But I'm worried... And she is worried, and my and her friends are worried... Also, if I cut him out, he might kill himself... Which is not ideal either...[/QUOTE] 4 days late, but still. You should seriously think of cutting him out of your life. Even if it means deleting your Youtube channel. If you must, archive the videos you love so much, but its not worth running if you continue to let this person leech off you and your life. He managed to ruin your love life as is. You aren't his care taker, and I assume you aren't old enough to be able to take care of someone full time. The longer this continues, the more worn out you will become. The burden he put on you will exhaust you.

How do you deal with people who want to be always right when you want to be always right yourself? This sounds stupid, but we get into argument often because of it, even though we are good friends. Is there a good way to fix this? Obviously I am looking for a solution for myself first. I just want to be right on stupid shit and I don't know why, probably insecurity issues.

I had that issue during college. Decided to just ignore it all and let people have their opinions. After doing it for a while it gets easier and easier, and sooner or later I felt a lot better.