Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=TheFilmSlacker;51308610]Mom was supposed to get the cancer results weeks ago and she's been quiet as a fucking mouse and apparently my stepfather is getting so stressed that he might just get in his truck and leave for months soon. No fucking clue what's going on, but even though I haven't fully accepted it, I'm at least partially ready to hear that my mother is dying at this point. I've been in this mindset for over a fucking month and nobody wants to talk. Fucking losing sleep almost every night thinking about this shit. With mom constantly on the mind, I'm constantly thinking about my childhood and how fucking abusive it was. I always thought that the day my stepfather dies will be the happiest day of my life, but the more I think about this whole situation with mom, the more bitter I feel overall. Like, if he died tomorrow, I wouldn't feel any satisfaction. I'd be glad he's dead, but my siblings and I still have to live with the fact that we never had childhoods and we're trying to live it out as adults, all the while trying to become the people we wanna be. Fucked up as it sounds, the only way I feel I could ever feel satisfied with his death is if I was the one carrying it out, and although it feels good to say and it honestly sounds awesome on paper, it ain't worth the jailtime, and in the end, what does it fix? Maybe he'll end up suffering in the hospital for days, weeks before he eventually dies. Not that that's fucking bad enough for that piece of human garbage. Not doing good right now. I can't stop thinking about my credit card debt and my family, especially around Christmas, which was the time of year when he tore the whole fucking family apart. I just feel helpless to do anything without a car or a well-paid job. I'm paying off debt and slipping by on fast food right now, but that's pretty much all I can do. I just want to help back home, but if mom dies, I can't even think about what I'll do. Do I get a car and take in my siblings? That'd be taking in two extra people, plus my brother's girlfriend and his newborn son. We already have four people in this apartment and it's crowded enough. All I want is for them to be safe. I know I won't ever get the childhood that I lost, but I want to at least help my siblings and give my nephew a childhood that none of us ever had. Fuck...[/QUOTE] You sound like an incredibly compassionate son and sibling. I know that everything feels like it sucks right now, but this is when your loved ones need you the most, you gotta be there for them.

i hate talking about this stuff because it feels terrible but even with my meds and stuff im starting to feel more and more powerless and unmotivated to do anything but stay in bed and just give up on the rest of the world. i cant really talk about it with family and friends since they dont really grasp a lot of it due to a weird cultural gap on this sort of thing but they do try to help. i hate feeling like this i genuinely do.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51309019]i hate talking about this stuff because it feels terrible but even with my meds and stuff im starting to feel more and more powerless and unmotivated to do anything but stay in bed and just give up on the rest of the world. i cant really talk about it with family and friends since they dont really grasp a lot of it due to a weird cultural gap on this sort of thing but they do try to help. i hate feeling like this i genuinely do.[/QUOTE] To be honest, I would suggest telling your loved ones even if you think they don't understand. Either way, you should help them to understand you and your emotions, because a support system is exactly what every person needs. Therapist wouldn't hurt too, having an impartial party to talk to (especially one that is professionally trained to deal with this stuff) is insanely helpful

[QUOTE=TheFilmSlacker;51309056]I would, but I just need transport. They live hours away.[/QUOTE] In my opinion it would be worth it to drop what you are doing and get yourself out there to support them. I'm sure your boss (if you're working) will give you time off as this is a family emergency

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51309035]To be honest, I would suggest telling your loved ones even if you think they don't understand. Either way, you should help them to understand you and your emotions, because a support system is exactly what every person needs. Therapist wouldn't hurt too, having an impartial party to talk to (especially one that is professionally trained to deal with this stuff) is insanely helpful[/QUOTE] I'm trying to.... I just have a feeling of fear when I do but I can't tell you why.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51309100]I'm trying to.... I just have a feeling of fear when I do but I can't tell you why.[/QUOTE] Maybe because you are afraid of what they are going to think of you? Or maybe that you don't want to be a burden on them, something like that. Mental illness does not discriminate and it absolutely does not automatically make someone into a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you, you're just sick in a way. I promise you that your loved ones will be grateful that you open up now rather than later.

I JUST GOT OFFERED MY FIRST JOB ON THE SPOT, OUT OF THE BLUE, JUST LIKE THAT. WHAAAAAAAT :joy:

Ugh. My sense of time has been so thrown off by depression. When I'm doing something it seems like hours and then when I get distracted it feels like 15 minutes when it's actually like 3 hours. Like today. I cleaned the bathroom for maybe an hour and it felt like years. I sit down here for what I think is 10 minutes to take a break and already an hour and a half has gone by. My whole sense of daytime is in a fog too and I have been waking up super late even though I go to bed by 11. Oh and yesterday I was supposed to apply for a job at a place in person and I didn't and couldn't. I need a job and I can't even apply because I get the constant feeling that even applying is just a waste of my time because no one wants to hire me anyway. I also seem to be getting more anxious when I go to places with people, which isn't good. I'm afraid they will judge me for being fat and stuff for the first time in a long time (been gaining weight from birth control and junk food when I get sad). My boyfriend keeps trying to drag me there and it just makes it worse. Hell I even have a hard time getting motivated to even look for jobs online too. Wtf is wrong with me. I think the aftermath of this whole crazy mom fiasco has really started to set in for me or something because other than that and not having a job I can't think of any other reasons that my depression has gotten worse.

Well, I have resumed my cycle of overwhelming any friends I have left with my emotional baggage until they no longer want to talk to me, making me more distraught, distancing everyone remaining, etc etc etc until i finally feel the sweet embrace of death

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;51309405]I JUST GOT OFFERED MY FIRST JOB ON THE SPOT, OUT OF THE BLUE, JUST LIKE THAT. WHAAAAAAAT :joy:[/QUOTE] I'll take a pinch of that luck for 100 Alex. How did it happen, did you apply randomly to somewhere? I've been out of work for 8 months and even with previous experience I am finding it difficult to even get interviews at this point, I have had about 3 interviews since being fired previously. It really puts me on a massive downer but good luck lad.

The saxxies are upon us and I submitted my entries and I'm very very anxious

-snip-

I feel like there's no point in anything anymore. I'm really upset with how things turned out for me. I just want to disappear. I keep thinking about overdosing on pills again. I won't go through with it but the thoughts of doing it are there.

[QUOTE=Thomo_UK;51316117]I'll take a pinch of that luck for 100 Alex. How did it happen, did you apply randomly to somewhere? I've been out of work for 8 months and even with previous experience I am finding it difficult to even get interviews at this point, I have had about 3 interviews since being fired previously. It really puts me on a massive downer but good luck lad.[/QUOTE] * Lass :v: I've been signed off since I left college nearly 5 years ago. Part of my depression is based on me not working, and I can't work because I'm depressed :goodjob: Just met someone through a friend, and he just so happened to be a manager of a local bar. He gave me a tour of the place, had a drink or two, talked and had a laugh. Seems like a genuine guy. If everything goes well, then I start next month! :joy: BUT if they take the piss or gives me little to no salary within the first few weeks, then I will leave. Because what's the point of being paid little monthly salary, that doesn't reach the rent? lol

I fucked up severely today I'm really struggling to find anything to continue on now

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;51317537]* Lass :v: I've been signed off since I left college nearly 5 years ago. Part of my depression is based on me not working, and I can't work because I'm depressed :goodjob: Just met someone through a friend, and he just so happened to be a manager of a local bar. He gave me a tour of the place, had a drink or two, talked and had a laugh. Seems like a genuine guy. If everything goes well, then I start next month! :joy: BUT if they take the piss or gives me little to no salary within the first few weeks, then I will leave. Because what's the point of being paid little monthly salary, that doesn't reach the rent? lol[/QUOTE] My mistake and again good luck if you've got that far I has to be in the bag.

there is no worse combination in the entire world than anxiety and depression [editline]6th November 2016[/editline] its like you simultaneously care about everything that has ever existed more than anything else as well as not caring about anything

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51315233]Well, I have resumed my cycle of overwhelming any friends I have left with my emotional baggage until they no longer want to talk to me, making me more distraught, distancing everyone remaining, etc etc etc until i finally feel the sweet embrace of death[/QUOTE] I know that struggle. It's best for the mood to focus on nice and fun things when with friends, but it feels almost impossible to not barf your burdens on them. The need for an outlet is so great it muddles judgement.

[QUOTE=Talishmar;51320440]I know that struggle. It's best for the mood to focus on nice and fun things when with friends, but it feels almost impossible to not barf your burdens on them. The need for an outlet is so great it muddles judgement.[/QUOTE] I feel like such a burden, dude. I want more than anything to be connected to the people I care about but it's so god damn hard [editline]6th November 2016[/editline] You know what, fuck it. I am sick and tired of being so god damn depressed and anxious all the time. It's time to stop talking to my crush. She is indirectly the cause for a large portion of my depressed thoughts, and god knows that's not changing as I know for certain that she doesn't like me back. I deserve someone that texts first, someone that maintains their end of the conversation, but mostly someone who appreciates me and understands why I am the way I am. That probably isn't going to happen for awhile, so I have to find new connections with my existing friends to make up for it. I feel good about this. I need to learn to move on and I can't do that when I interact with her on a daily basis and torture myself over it.

Laid in bed and cried immensly today... Why can't I get over her? Why can't I just... Be asexual again... I miss feeling confident in myself... What the fuck happened?

Been in college for about 3 months so far and its been pretty terrible so far. I was on Wellbutrin for about a month and experienced some pretty severe mood swings it was awful. ThenI finally got off of it and am now on Prozac which seems to be working better. Still, I barely have any good friends here and seem to constantly forget about the ones I do have here. I hang out mostly with the people in my hall and want to expand but its so difficult for me. I get so overwhelmed sometimes by just how many people are at my school and feel like I'm missing out on a lot. College is supposed to be a great time right? I think I've managed to make it pretty terrible like everything else in my lif

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51320448]I feel like such a burden, dude. I want more than anything to be connected to the people I care about but it's so god damn hard [editline]6th November 2016[/editline] You know what, fuck it. I am sick and tired of being so god damn depressed and anxious all the time. It's time to stop talking to my crush. She is indirectly the cause for a large portion of my depressed thoughts, and god knows that's not changing as I know for certain that she doesn't like me back. I deserve someone that texts first, someone that maintains their end of the conversation, but mostly someone who appreciates me and understands why I am the way I am. That probably isn't going to happen for awhile, so I have to find new connections with my existing friends to make up for it. I feel good about this. I need to learn to move on and I can't do that when I interact with her on a daily basis and torture myself over it.[/QUOTE] I know what that feels like having someone be the reason why you are so depressed. I'm having trouble moving on aswell. She's not the only reason I'm depressed but she hurt me.

I don't feel anything at all, and that terrifies me. Holy fuck I've gained 55 lbs since last summer.. If you work hard enough you can replace depression with exhaustion. [editline]7th November 2016[/editline] Happy music [video]https://youtu.be/j924qaMb0d8[/video]

Sometimes I question why I even speak or do anything. Most of the time I just make myself look like a fucking moron. Hell, most of the time I make utterly terrible choices. So much so that even others who don't know what I need (I think?) make vastly better choices for me. I've found that things turn out better for me if I say nothing or just make noises instead of talk. I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it better. Thinking more about choices doesn't seem to help, if anything it makes things worse or leads to non action. All I know is I'm happier when people make choices for me, because they just work out better, even if I get a little grumpy at times. Hell, probably even posting in FP is a terrible idea since it usually ends up drawing huge amounts of ridicule, insults, and reaffirmations that I'm always wrong. I want to post, I don't particularly like lurking, but it seems I just simply make things far, far worse for me whenever I do. And it's not just posting here, it's in general everywhere. It seems all I get is either dismissive gestures or words, evil stares, or even being yelled at. I genuinely feel I'm unwanted. Honestly I'm pretty sure tons of people have me blocked on here because I'm a fuckup or something, cause that's all I do.

I went and talked with my mom about how I've been feeling and one thing sort of led to another and we got into a dumb argument until she finally agreed to listen to what I felt was happening to me. She still denies it on some level saying "I can just not be unhappy". I can't blame her for it, I wouldn't want to accept hearing that either. I guess it went fine, but I don't think I made any progress about it. I sort of feel awful about it since she looked distressed when I explained to her what's going on. Yesterday was a weird day to sum it up. Not really sure where to go from here.

Been having some very strong suicidal thoughts lately. As silly as it sounds, the recent elections have sent my anxiety in a tailspin and I'm having recurring nightmares about how I could kill myself and have it not be painful or seen by anyone.

Don't know where else to post this, but a coworker told me that he heard 2 other coworkers say that him and I are useless and that they are trying to find a way to get me into trouble. The problem is I am lazy and that I do the bare minimum of work and the idea of them somehow getting me in trouble is the only incentive for me to do hard work. I feel that this is a bad motivator.

12 weeks left. Every day feels like a week now.

[QUOTE=TheFilmSlacker;51326143]Kind of want to die, but I realize there's so much room for improvement.[/QUOTE] That's the way I'm looking at it. There's nowhere to go from here but up.

Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like to exist without any experiences or emotions for, lets say, 1000 years. Given that frame of mind, just the chance to stub one's toe would be a blessing.