Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I've always been super uncomfortable when this topic comes up in here, it's like when your married neighbors start screaming at each other at 3AM

I think I'm about to start another episode. I really just want to do something fun tonight and absolutely NONE of my friends are coming through for me. Some are busy which I understand but a lot just won't make the effort or just don't respond. Hell, even this guy I thought to be my close friend said he didn't want to do this movie night thing because there weren't enough girls going. I need some new fucking friends but I can't really meet anyone new until I go off to college.

[del]For some reason I feel genuinely happy. Not because something pleasurable/stimulating is happening, but because I just do. Just being alive. I want this feeling to last and I am worried that it might go away.[/del] that didn't last long

All I want to do is just sleep and not wake up. I took 20 Tylenols within 24 hours.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;51352905][del]For some reason I feel genuinely happy. Not because something pleasurable/stimulating is happening, but because I just do. Just being alive. I want this feeling to last and I am worried that it might go away.[/del] that didn't last long[/QUOTE] For the most part, depression just comes and goes as it fucking pleases, and it sucks [B]big time[/B].

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;51353646]For the most part, depression just comes and goes as it fucking pleases, and it sucks [B]big time[/B].[/QUOTE] The worst feeling is when a depressive episode starts after a good day. Like, come the fuck on, nothing went wrong today, why do I feel like this

Snow makes me happy because it reminds me of christmas childhood, when everything was good. [T]http://jesusfuck.me/di/HF9M/dsc-0097-1-.jpg[/T]

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51353964]Snow makes me happy because it reminds me of christmas childhood, when everything was good. [T]http://jesusfuck.me/di/HF9M/dsc-0097-1-.jpg[/T][/QUOTE] Oh good lord, don't :v: In the UK whenever it snows, sure thing that everyone just deals with it really well by placing sand and grit etc. and carry on leading their lives... But where I live on the IOW, whenever it snows ALL the buses get cancelled, all the schools close, people rush around to buy bread and milk as if it's the end of the world, and the whole island goes to a fucking standstill :v:

[URL="https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1539124&p=51356844&viewfull=1#post51356844"]Crosspost[/URL] from the STGYM thread: [QUOTE]After the shit day I had yesterday, I decided to go out to the local mall for the afternoon since classes were canceled today and enjoy myself. And for once, I was actually feeling pretty damn good! But after a couple of hours, while I was minding my own business at the bookstore, this group of girls walked past me and I saw one of them out of the corner of my eye point to me and whisper "boy at 5 o'clock!" just within earshot, and then another one of them quickly piped up "no, he's ugly" before they all walked deeper in the store laughing amongst each other. Fuck you, I can't say you're the pick of the litter, either.[/QUOTE] This has left me in a shit mood the whole night. I'm not fucking perfect and I've never thought myself to be, but to have someone almost outright tell me that I'm fucking ugly? I feel like I've reached a new low. One of the few things I felt okay with about myself was my appearance, but that's taken a massive hit. I haven't had faith in myself about a lot of things for a long time, and I feel like I'm slowly losing grasp on the few things that I still do. A month ago I got in a car wreck, and even though it was my first one and wasn't my fault I now feel like I have little faith in my driving skills. And then now this. Two big fucking things right there, that my confidence in has been shaken. Should I be feeling this way about this? I think I'm caring too much. Would the average person just brush this off? Even though it was fucking rude, I'll almost surely never see them again. I don't know what to think of this whole damn thing.

How old even were they to say something like that within earshot. It's okay to feel upset when that happens though. It's fucked up. But don't let it upset you for too long. The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that that stranger is probably not a person you ever wanna be around, you'll make your way over the incident.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51356936]How old even were they to say something like that within earshot. It's okay to feel upset when that happens though. It's fucked up. But don't let it upset you for too long. The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that that stranger is probably not a person you ever wanna be around, you'll make your way over the incident.[/QUOTE] They had to be close to my age, maybe slightly younger. I'm a freshman in college, so maybe high school juniors or seniors? Even though it shouldn't, I feel like this is going to bog me down for a while. I've been going through a lot of other shit lately, which hasn't helped. Also, I think I have a very thin skin towards things in general, I can't say this is the first time I've gotten stressed over some stupid shit. I care too much about what people think of me in general. I've wanted to do something about that for a while, give myself a thicker skin towards insults and the likes, but I'm not sure exactly what I should do.

does anyone get this feeling where you try to maintain all your life in place and if you just sightly fuck up a little bit, everyone rides your ass like you do it all the time? Kinda tired of feeling like in a social minefield. Maybe i should just not care at all

[QUOTE=racerfan;51357276]They had to be close to my age, maybe slightly younger. I'm a freshman in college, so maybe high school juniors or seniors? Even though it shouldn't, I feel like this is going to bog me down for a while. I've been going through a lot of other shit lately, which hasn't helped. Also, I think I have a very thin skin towards things in general, I can't say this is the first time I've gotten stressed over some stupid shit. I care too much about what people think of me in general. I've wanted to do something about that for a while, give myself a thicker skin towards insults and the likes, but I'm not sure exactly what I should do.[/QUOTE] I know I personally don't like when people tell me how to feel, but you have to realize things like this hurt a lot but only really pass with time. When shit like this happens to me, it's literally all I can think about all day and all night. Sooner or later though, it passes and I don't care (as much) anymore. Maybe that's because I'm bipolar af and whether I like it or not my mood is gonna change regardless. Think of it like this: If someone carves into a sapling with a knife, the injury is as large as the entire trunk. Though that mark may never fully heal, you can grow the tree around it, and as you grow the scar gets smaller in proportion. An example from me was a few days ago when I was texting this girl from high school to plan to hang out over Thanksgiving break, and all of a sudden she's like "I don't like boys like you, I like nice boys and you don't fit into that category" like what the fuck, where did that come from? We've hung out before and enjoyed eachothers company and all of a sudden she's a prick. We even hooked up before and now she doesn't think I'm "nice" all of a sudden??? I never did anything or said anything bad, and in a fit I didn't respond to her and deleted all our texts. Now it doesn't cross my mind as much. I have thin skin too when it comes to certain things, like being told your not good at X even though you thought X was one of your strong points. Like I thought my niceness/personality was one of my strong points, then all of a sudden I'm being treated like a fuckboy by that girl and that messed with me a lot.

[QUOTE=autodesknoob;51360254]does anyone get this feeling where you try to maintain all your life in place and if you just sightly fuck up a little bit, everyone rides your ass like you do it all the time? Kinda tired of feeling like in a social minefield. Maybe i should just not care at all[/QUOTE] I've known these types of people. When I became an adult and moved away, I found a lot better people. This is not an issue on your side so all I can say is stand up to yourself, because you're better than them. What sort of vibes do they send out? What do they tell you?

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51360441]I've known these types of people. When I became an adult and moved away, I found a lot better people. This is not an issue on your side so all I can say is stand up to yourself, because you're better than them. What sort of vibes do they send out? What do they tell you?[/QUOTE] well, im staying with my uncle and aunt in their house while i study in uni. Been trying to stay up by their rules almost all the time, but once in a month or so something flies by my head and i get my "OMG WHY CANT YOU STAY BY OUR RULES" speech. I know, im in their house, i should stay by their marks, but i sometimes miss something little and i feel a conversation would be more useful than a rant and insults. same with an ex i have. I was two months out of her way in uni and talked, by coincidence, with another ex of hers, and got the "OMG IM TIRED OF YOU GETTING IN MY LIFE" speech i dont really see the point of it. Getting angry, yelling, insulting eachother as people never worked for me. I now try to talk about why people gets angry. I thought that was the better way but it doesnt work if i can barely say anything in these situations, getting shut down or getting blocked after receiving the rant seems pointless. Worst of all, getting yelled like that and minutes after it making it like it doesnt even matter, or that it didnt happen. Seriously

so that girl i post about often (ex-best friend, now sorta friend), as it turns out, is actively talking to my friend on a daily basis. yep, the one who said she can't handle talking to people every day. that same one. i feel really fucking angry and betrayed and frustrated and i really really want to blow up her in face but i dont know what to do

This weekend has been pretty great. It's the best I've felt in weeks and I feel like I have been able to enjoy myself, I even managed to play some games with friends while BSing on Discord. And even though my obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour has persisted, they haven't been nearly as bad as they have been during the past week. I just hope I can keep up the streak of good days since next week will be an extremely intensive week full of coursework and I risk failing several classes if I can't keep up.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51360666]so that girl i post about often (ex-best friend, now sorta friend), as it turns out, is actively talking to my friend on a daily basis. yep, the one who said she can't handle talking to people every day. that same one. i feel really fucking angry and betrayed and frustrated and i really really want to blow up her in face but i dont know what to do[/QUOTE] im overreacting really hard to this situation and i know that but it isn't stopping me how are you supposed to deal with this

[QUOTE=Bathtub;51361190]im overreacting really hard to this situation and i know that but it isn't stopping me how are you supposed to deal with this[/QUOTE] It wasn't a romantic relationship and it was a purely online thing but I was betrayed before badly and wanted to blow up in their face but I'll tell you this: [I]it isn't worth it and will make things worse.[/I] I'd suggest cutting her out probably, but if you are going to talk to her, talk to her in a reasonable and calm manner and explain why you're upset.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51361211]It wasn't a romantic relationship and it was a purely online thing but I was betrayed before badly and wanted to blow up in their face but I'll tell you this: [I]it isn't worth it and will make things worse.[/I] I'd suggest cutting her out probably, but if you are going to talk to her, talk to her in a reasonable and calm manner and explain why you're upset.[/QUOTE] i really think i should be cutting her off but i have to see her on an almost daily basis (as well as living very close to her). im not going to blow up at her as much as i really want to because i know im being ridiculous but im scared that im going to harbor this resentment until the end

[QUOTE=UberMunchkin;51361819]I only ever feel happy when I'm distracting myself from everything.[/QUOTE] I feel much the same way, I dislike being left with only my mind to keep me company and nothing to do.

[QUOTE=UberMunchkin;51361836]Making the mistake of going to uni + quitting doesn't help I guess, I loved being alone in the flat and whatnot but uni wasn't for me. edit: This was supposed to be a merged post. Sorry.[/QUOTE] What are you up to now? I'd be interested in being alone in a flat but my life skills are terrible.

Whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, despite my mental health... I either sleep too much or don't sleep enough. [I]There is no inbetween.[/I] :v:

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;51362250]Whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, despite my mental health... I either sleep too much or don't sleep enough. [I]There is no inbetween.[/I] :v:[/QUOTE] i am dead serious 100% right now. if you are having trouble falling asleep watch Bob Ross episodes on youtube. i am not lying when i say they have helped me enormously with my sleeping habits

Had 17 sucsessive panicattacks now in like, 14 days, sure is lovely to never be in control of your feelings...

is it bad to smoke weed whilst i've been on citalopram for 5 days

something insignificant happens -> i overreact -> i become inconsolably angry and confused -> i become manically happy and laugh at everything really hard -> wake up the next morning and just feel nothing but sadness the cycle continues boys

Make it 21 you guys, holy fuck. I'm been in bed for around 20 hours now... Not aure if I should get up, incase it bumps up to 22...

So IDK I've been gone for several threads and briefly dropped by the "WAYT" threads when I had time to assure people I didn't die. But honestly life keeps getting worse for me despite my efforts to fix it, and I had a breif escape from my family but I'm back under their control again and it's been humiliating. Half of them know for sure I'm gay now and that's been absolute hell. [B]*breathes in* [/B] Was roomates with my friend for awhile (several months actually) after having a shitty 19th birthday and being kicked out by my drunk abusive grandmother. I found a job at mcdonalds and had a shitty abusive manager who made me count garbage and made another manager cry, several employees either quit that day or wanted to because she was so mean to them. Me and my friend were doing good but then she kept getting anxious and irritated towards me over some boy who kept standing her up and making excuses as to why he couldn't go on a date with her, he is still doing this to this day and dragging her on a leash. We went to florida so she could go on this date but she was stood up so she decided to scream at me. Me and her had another huge fight over rent (I paid it and had an ATM receipt and showed her) but she screamed called me retarded etc. She beat me and I had a panic attack. She realized she effed up and apologized but I had tried to kill myself [I]I chugged fireball whiskey and took 5-6 benadryls and was about to take a lot more but her younger brother stopped me. I was in immense pain and had been so foggy and out of it, I had no regrets at the moment and wanted to die.[/I] I was about to walk to the nearest bridge and jump off of it because I just felt so alone and I wanted to end it. My friend and her younger brother wanted to baker act me but I pleaded that they just let me die. I ended up passing out on her brother's couch and woke up the next morning disoriented and miserable. Me and her didn't speak for awhile, and she drove me back up to her place and told me to go and never come back. We had a breif moment where we tried to end things on a civil note and she hugged me... I had a short amount time to do research because I didn't want to go back to massachussetts. I ended up finding this homeless shelter in Los angeles california that housed lgbtq young adults ages 18-24 and the website looked legit. Well I took a greyhound bus and it was a shot in the dark, I arrived and found out it was a scam and didn't exist (talked with a police officer and he brought me back to the station where I talked with a guy who handled domestic abuse victims. He and I sat in this office from 11 PM till 3 in the morning trying to find a place for me to stay, I was half awake and in tears the entire time. Couldn't find a place or any help for me so I used my money to stay in a cheap ass hotel for a couple nights and then called my family and begged them to let me come back. They let me come back. [B][I]As of today:[/I][/B] I still feel alone. The humiliation is driving me insane. I've daydreamed and imagined my own suicide every night. I've stayed up almost every night and cried because I'm single. My fucking abusive grandma has a brain tumor from drinking so much or some bullshit. My dad got his heart transplant surgery and he's just so weak I can't look at him. He's still so stubborn especially about this election. I've tried reaching out to the gay community and I was told I'm something different. This gay guy that runs it said he was suicidal because he couldn't find a boyfriend and he found a really good looking one and now he's married and sucessful. He told me to enroll in the gay olympics in 2018. I'm thinking of doing that honestly because I need something to look forward to. I've lost weight because I can't hold down food and my appetite is non-existant. My friend and I patched things up but I can't live with her because she's moving or something. I'm trying to re-connect with old classmates so I can be social but they all have perfect lives and here I am being knocked down over and over again by life. I can't believe I actually attempted suicide. That's how I know I've lost hope. [editline]13th November 2016[/editline] My family all talks badly of me and the walls in this disgusting apartment are so paper thin I can hear almost everything they say. It's cold because the heating sucks. (my grandma comes up and yells at me if it's turned on during the day) It's dirty despite how often I have cleaned. It's just gross. I try not to let it get to me because they're all dying of diabetes and heart problems because they never took care of themselves. But it still drives me insane.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;51364101]So IDK I've been gone for several threads and briefly dropped by the "WAYT" threads when I had time to assure people I didn't die. But honestly life keeps getting worse for me despite my efforts to fix it, and I had a breif escape from my family but I'm back under their control again and it's been humiliating. Half of them know for sure I'm gay now and that's been absolute hell. [B]*breathes in* [/B] Was roomates with my friend for awhile (several months actually) after having a shitty 19th birthday and being kicked out by my drunk abusive grandmother. I found a job at mcdonalds and had a shitty abusive manager who made me count garbage and made another manager cry, several employees either quit that day or wanted to because she was so mean to them. Me and my friend were doing good but then she kept getting anxious and irritated towards me over some boy who kept standing her up and making excuses as to why he couldn't go on a date with her, he is still doing this to this day and dragging her on a leash. We went to florida so she could go on this date but she was stood up so she decided to scream at me. Me and her had another huge fight over rent (I paid it and had an ATM receipt and showed her) but she screamed called me retarded etc. She beat me and I had a panic attack. She realized she effed up and apologized but I had tried to kill myself [I]I chugged fireball whiskey and took 5-6 benadryls and was about to take a lot more but her younger brother stopped me. I was in immense pain and had been so foggy and out of it, I had no regrets at the moment and wanted to die.[/I] I was about to walk to the nearest bridge and jump off of it because I just felt so alone and I wanted to end it. My friend and her younger brother wanted to baker act me but I pleaded that they just let me die. I ended up passing out on her brother's couch and woke up the next morning disoriented and miserable. Me and her didn't speak for awhile, and she drove me back up to her place and told me to go and never come back. We had a breif moment where we tried to end things on a civil note and she hugged me... I had a short amount time to do research because I didn't want to go back to massachussetts. I ended up finding this homeless shelter in Los angeles california that housed lgbtq young adults ages 18-24 and the website looked legit. Well I took a greyhound bus and it was a shot in the dark, I arrived and found out it was a scam and didn't exist (talked with a police officer and he brought me back to the station where I talked with a guy who handled domestic abuse victims. He and I sat in this office from 11 PM till 3 in the morning trying to find a place for me to stay, I was half awake and in tears the entire time. Couldn't find a place or any help for me so I used my money to stay in a cheap ass hotel for a couple nights and then called my family and begged them to let me come back. They let me come back. [B][I]As of today:[/I][/B] I still feel alone. The humiliation is driving me insane. I've daydreamed and imagined my own suicide every night. I've stayed up almost every night and cried because I'm single. My fucking abusive grandma has a brain tumor from drinking so much or some bullshit. My dad got his heart transplant surgery and he's just so weak I can't look at him. He's still so stubborn especially about this election. I've tried reaching out to the gay community and I was told I'm something different. This gay guy that runs it said he was suicidal because he couldn't find a boyfriend and he found a really good looking one and now he's married and sucessful. He told me to enroll in the gay olympics in 2018. I'm thinking of doing that honestly because I need something to look forward to. I've lost weight because I can't hold down food and my appetite is non-existant. My friend and I patched things up but I can't live with her because she's moving or something. I'm trying to re-connect with old classmates so I can be social but they all have perfect lives and here I am being knocked down over and over again by life. I can't believe I actually attempted suicide. That's how I know I've lost hope. [editline]13th November 2016[/editline] My family all talks badly of me and the walls in this disgusting apartment are so paper thin I can hear almost everything they say. It's cold because the heating sucks. (my grandma comes up and yells at me if it's turned on during the day) It's dirty despite how often I have cleaned. It's just gross. I try not to let it get to me because they're all dying of diabetes and heart problems because they never took care of themselves. But it still drives me insane.[/QUOTE] Jesus Christ. You have been through more than anyone should ever have to. I am so sorry to hear that all of this shitstorm happened to you. If you need someone to talk to about anything, shoot me a message or something