Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

It's very easy for it to become a pretty rampant cycle, but a thread like this (or a subreddit like that, I suppose) should definitely not be a place someone goes for actual help with their issues, especially when there's a huge amount of people expressing themselves about their own depression. I see it as more of a place to vent, for some people to offer advice or insight, or to just get something off your chest in general. But definitely shouldn't be the [I]only[/I] attempt at getting help. Definitely should consult an actual professional.

Turns out those positive things that happened weren't that positive after all, so I'm back to feeling like shit again.

I've started waking up in various locations again, and I have no memory how I got there. Not close as severe like before but more frequent. The more it happens the more I remember the time before it happens; and I can pretty much assure that some fucked up breakdown thing causes it. I don't know what it is but it makes me feel ill and shaky when just trying to remember it. Makes it hard to breath. Also started taking some strong shit for my sleep, because I'm usually awake for 2-3 days until I get good sleep, and it's not healthy in the long-runs which it was. Still feel the after effects after two days.

I make a lot of jokes about shooting myself or saying "so and so makes me want to eat my handgun" but in all reality, I have never been so depressed in my entire life, and the finality of ending everything seems like a genuine way to go. I can't talk to my friends about it because they'll call me a faggot. I can't talk to my parents because of the way that the we're raised, they'll get angry at me for feeling this way. I can't talk to my older sister about it because she feels a lot of the same depression and suicidal thoughts, and relies on me to be here for her to talk about what's bothering her, as we can't go to our parents. I can't talk to my ex wife about it, one reason being that she wouldn't care, and the other being that she has hurt herself before and I always felt like I wasn't able to discuss my own issues with her because of that, I felt like I had to be strong for her and my sister both. Trying to be strong for so many people for so long has left me so exhausted that I genuinely can't see a way out anymore. I wake up every morning for work at 0300, pissed off that I woke up at all. I drive to work, listening to music which feels like my only solace anymore, get there and immediately start getting frustrated with my employees for their incompetence. I'm a team lead at a local Target. I feel like I'm losing my grip on myself. I wasn't always this way, being so harsh, so angry, so mean. I shouted at a group of them a few days ago and said some things that I haven't ever said in my entire life to another person. Calling them useless, thoughtless, children. That I'm so tired of having to constantly follow behind them and make sure they aren't being fucking retards, because all they ever do is fucking around and make me look stupid. I actually had to leave work several weeks ago because I was listening to music on my phone and it was either Little Motel by Modest Mouse, or After Midnight by blink182 came on, both of which were songs that I listened to with my wife before we split up.. and for the firs time in I can't tell you how long, I smiled. Then I absolutely fell to pieces. Inconsolable. Couldn't calm down, couldn't breathe. Ended up going into a vasovagal seizure and passing out. They gave me the day and the next day off. When I go on break, I go to my office, shut the door, and turn off the lights. Just sitting the dark. Alone. That's actually where I'm at as a type this. I leave around 1400, go home, and go to bed. I just lie there all afternoon until the next day. If it's a particular day of the week, I get to see my son, which is the only time I feel anything other than rage and grief. Then when the tmes up, I go home and sit there. Until it all starts over again. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way, and I can't see a way out.

I posted this in another thread as a response to someone who said (whether joking or seriously) that he/she wanted to die, and I received some very kind messages about it, so I kinda wanted to post it here as it's pretty fitting and might help someone out. [QUOTE=Linkuya;50869306]Sometimes I wonder what it would be like being dead. At least, I used to, when I was really in the thick of it, years ago. Yes, I'm still in the process of winning my life back, and yes it can be difficult to keep a clear head, but one night I sorta thought about something that helped me a lot. Sort of a mantra to remind myself of something important, or something like that. You could have died today. If you have choked to death in your sleep, or been hit by a car and died on the spot. The world is a giant clock, an intricate mechanism that's always moving. There's no telling what can happen anywhere. You didn't die today, but you easily could have, and no one would ever know that you're only alive through luck, being in the right place at the right place. The same is for the future. You don't know what could happen in the future. If you died now, your future best friend might never meet you. The challenges you would face, you'd ever have a chance to confront. A significant other of yours in the future would never know your embrace. The people you would help, the lives you'd be touched by would be lost to time, with no one ever knowing what could have been. If you have a past you can't live for, you can't fight for, then fight for the future. Live and fight to protect the future.[/QUOTE]

I've been feeling really helpless lately. Feels like I've hit rock-bottom. I'm disabled, in debt, have no offline friends, no girlfriend, no education, and what's worse, my father that takes care of me has found out about my non-religion. He thinks I'm a satanist. Now I don't even have family that care about me. What can I do? Is there any way out of this hole or am I trapped here until I die?

I just want my life to end. I can't do this anymore. I have nothing to live for and nobody that would even care if I just died. I don't know what to do about my suicidal thoughts but it's bad. I've always been depressed but not suicidal up until this year. I just don't know how to cope. Alcohol used to be my way of coping but I can't stand drinking anymore. I also keep thinking about my ex not because I want her back but because I hate her so much. I've hated her for awhile now and that's not going away any time soon. I'll never speak to her again. I'm not going to make that mistake again

I've tried approaching this year with good feelings and motivation, for once, I really did. I've tried to work hard, push my limits, etc. But all that effort is worthless, because I'm me. Once again I made an idiot of myself in front of new people despite not trying to after doing that multiple times and learning from it. Maybe it's my fucking bipolarity. I've wasted countless hours on studying which results in nothing but a bad score all around. I've tried to improve on the things that I like (which I no longer enjoy because of depression) and improved not a single bit. I just feel terrible. I've been trying to hold on as people tell me that 'things will get better' but it's only getting worse and I have limits before I can't hold any longer.

If it's of any consolation, people are always bound to evolve as long as they continue breathing. It's inevitable. You might make the same mistake more than once but you will learn sooner or later better ways to deal with the problem.

Had plans to go out with a few friends all day long and when I'm ready to be picked up, I can't be picked up since it's a "waste of gas" to drive back. They called me unexpectedly half an hour ago and just told me they were on their way but I wasn't ready. I told them I'd send a message once I was ready and gave them a time frame so they roughly knew when I was ready to go. About half an hour earlier than expected and half an hour after they called, I told them I was ready but now it's suddenly not possible anymore. The fuck is this bullshit. We made these plans early in the day about 9 hours ago. Just because I'm not ready when they unexpectedly decide to just head my way, they abandon me? At least give me a heads up. I feel very ditched right now. When they have needed gas money, they have always asked and I've helped them out. Now they just flat out say they don't wanna waste gas? [editline]14th August 2016[/editline] I want to go all out on them but what good will that bring? Perhaps the girl I'm speaking to is the only one who is a part of this, perhaps it's not her fault, etc. I don't know why they decided to ditch me like that, maybe they're just morons who don't know how to take care of their friends or perhaps they legitimately don't want me around. I just can't see the logic behind the waste of gas as we tend to just drive around anyway. We never stop to walk around, we never visit someplace, we just drive. It doesn't matter what direction they're driving if we are only gonna do the thing we always do, so why would it be a waste to come back to pick me up? Does driving towards north consume more fuel than south or what is this? I suppose I now know why I've been just okay the past few months? I haven't been very involved with anyone ever since I cut out my closest friend. Just tagged along every now and then. This shit sets off an internal minefield of emotions. Right now, I don't want anything with them to do ever again. Though it sounds very exaggerated that I feel this way but I can't help it. Fuck these guys, really. I don't mind the guy who drives, he's usually cool, but fuck the girl who I've been in contact with the past hour. So self centered it hurts. When we've been out driving prior, she's usually just sitting there playing Pokemon Go. All she wants is to drive around to find Pokemon while the rest of us sits there, wanting to actually do something in this world of ours. If we don't stop in the middle of the road to catch Pokemon, it's the drivers fault. What kind of logic is this? And what about me in this current moment? We've had plans all day and I'm ditched like that? Is it more important to spend as much time in an area with more Pokemon than it is to pick up a friend who'd love to be with them? "Waste" gas on finding Pokemon instead of picking up a real guy? Kinda glad these guys are moving away forever soon. Perhaps they are too, because apparently it's not that important to be with me before one of them moves away for a year in just two days and this would be my last chance to be with him. The rest moves away just a few days after that again too. But yeah, fuck me right? Gotta save that fucking gas instead of hanging out with your soon to be long distance friend who you won't see in a year? It's good to know how much you're valued in a persons eyes, it does tell you a lot when gas has more worth than yourself.

Dunno if this is the completely right place for this but here it goes. Couple years ago when I was in college, I had a placement in a 2nd grade class as an educational assistant. I found out that last week one of the students in that class was injured in a car accident and died at the hospital after waiting for over 10 hours to see a doctor. I'm so sad and angry over this. Worst part is that as of my writing of this post, she can't be brought home for a funeral because they haven't performed an autopsy yet, too long after they should have. This year is just the worst. Two people I know have died.

hehe, And here I thought I was having a tough time in college. Loss sometimes can be hard, specially when it comes to people you used to know. I hope things get better for you soon. Best of Wishes!

I had a really bad day and I'm to upset to sleep. I don't know what to do

I fucking hate myself, I can't do anything right.

[QUOTE=Kolmala;50887150]I found out that last week one of the students in that class was injured in a car accident and died at the hospital after waiting for over 10 hours to see a doctor.[/QUOTE] What the fuck? How does that even happen? Aren't critical injuries like that the top priority for those places?

[QUOTE=pith_;50889384]What the fuck? How does that even happen? Aren't critical injuries like that the top priority for those places?[/QUOTE] Depending on where they were taken, and especially considering the shortage of doctors in general, especially if they were triaged as being likely to survive even if they didn't receive medical care. Bear with me while I make an assumption, but knowing no other details it's quite possible that they didn't show any signs of obvious injury, such as internal injuries that went undiagnosed, or else, the staff on hand were likely attending to a case with more serious injuries. It's still a sign of poor practice or lack of experience on the part of the responder(s) if any, because any accident should raise the query of internal injuries unless they can be ruled out after the initial assessment. It's still good practice to at least have a sonogram of the abdomen and/or a chest x-ray done if internal injuries are suspected. However, if they were obviously badly injured and in urgent need of medical attention, and they were not attended to, that's grounds for suing the hospital for negligence.

So my cousin is getting married in a week or two (can't remember the exact date). This is the first wedding I've been invited to as a guest (I was a bridesmaid at both my half-sister's wedding, and my half-brother's wedding), as well as the first wedding I've ever been invited to on my mother's side of the family. I would more than love to attend this family celebration and get-together for the first time ever, as well as be properly involved, but I just have to pass, whether I like it or not... Despite being on medication, my depression comes and goes as it pleases, and I especially don't want it to be set off on the day and my family going all "IT JUST HAS TO BE ALL ABOUT YOU, IT'S THEIR DAY NOT YOURS etc." So in risk of that happening, I won't go... Even though I want to :surrender:

I wrote this previously in another thread, but removed it because I thought it would be better suited for this one: [QUOTE]Seems like in American society there's not a lot of accommodation for young adults who don't have supportive parents. Both of my parents have major personality and mental issues and kicked me out after 21 years of abuse and neglect. I like seeing people on Reddit say shit like "moving out of your parents' before graduation is financial suicide. There's literally no reason to do that." It's really funny to see that stuff. I'm going to have to live in poverty for 4-5 years until I get through college, in particularly uncomfortable situations, (such as with roommates) and working far more hours than comprehensible to your average student just to keep off of the streets. Right now I'm crashing at a friend's apartment and I'm stuck. I effectively got kicked out. I had a plan set in another state, and I had to move far away because I have nobody -- nobody to turn to but two friends. And I'm leeching off of them. I have no family. Nobody to help me. My parents refuse to assist me in any way. Blah blah blah, "entitlement," but I believe it's a parent's duty to see their child through life. Which mine failed at. I'm barely inching by. I'm 21 and I'm not even enrolled in college yet. I have to re-do the FAFSA. I have to get a new state ID before I can get another job. My dad said my existence "is a fucking nightmare" a couple of days after I went to the hospital for suicidal ideation. I might have a mood disorder, or worse, a thought disorder. I have to get new health insurance, and find a new therapist. It's funny, seeing people my age say "student" for what they do as a job. It must be really, really nice to be able to stay at home until you're through school, or to have your mom pay your rent, being able to spend all of your part-time job money on frivolous shit such as computer parts. Sorry if this sounds bitter. I'm kind of losing it and all of these words kinda formed themselves.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;50889772]Depending on where they were taken, and especially considering the shortage of doctors in general, especially if they were triaged as being likely to survive even if they didn't receive medical care. Bear with me while I make an assumption, but knowing no other details it's quite possible that they didn't show any signs of obvious injury, such as internal injuries that went undiagnosed, or else, the staff on hand were likely attending to a case with more serious injuries. It's still a sign of poor practice or lack of experience on the part of the responder(s) if any, because any accident should raise the query of internal injuries unless they can be ruled out after the initial assessment. It's still good practice to at least have a sonogram of the abdomen and/or a chest x-ray done if internal injuries are suspected. However, if they were obviously badly injured and in urgent need of medical attention, and they were not attended to, that's grounds for suing the hospital for negligence.[/QUOTE] I left out a few details because I didn't know if they'd be discussed or not, but this didn't occur in Canada, but in Jamaica where she was visiting family, and I dunno how hospitals operate down there. But as you said, she may have not had any obvious external injuries, but at one point she vomited blood and later had a seizure; she didn't receive and attention then. Only when she was on the cusp of dying did anyone see her, and by then it was too late.

I've been listening to this song non-stop for hours, and I can't decide whether it is depressing me or making me happy. I suppose i'm enjoying it either way though. [video=youtube;pMErlY2CIs0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMErlY2CIs0&ab_channel=You%27reallCancer[/video]

I feel so alone more alone than I've felt in years. It's mostly my fault though because I've shut everyone out of my life. I became so distant and would just ignore everyone. I've made a lot of mistakes and I feel regret on a whole new level. I've not been talking to anyone because my depression is worse than its been in years and I just can't talk to anyone and pretend I'm happy. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. As each day goes by I feel worse about everything. Everyday is the same thing and nothing's changing. I really need a change in my life but I don't know how or where to even start

Anyone else get self destructive tendencies the moment they fall back into depression? I push everything and everyone away from me, and just let depression 'swallow me whole' so to speak. I don't even know why I do it.

Was at a party last night, surprisingly fun and very good for my own self esteem. It was kind of uncomfortable to begin with as I suffer from an ear infection that has completely blocked my ears so my hearing is pretty bad. Gets me all cloudy and weird in the head when I can't hear properly. It went fine after a while fortunately and I was able to act more cool even with my ears blocked. It's kinda cool to hear peoples comment on me, people I haven't seen in a while. Not related to yesterday, but two people I used to be friends with didn't even recognize me after I accidentally stumbled upon them outdoors once. Yesterday was even better, a dude I last saw in March didn't recognize me. Another guy who I knew from earlier said the same, I was unrecognizable. I take that as a compliment since I have lost lots of weight, changed my style around etc. There was this girl I didn't know who I spent most of the night with. Gave me lots of attention and wanted to be alone with me a fair bit, jokingly calling me her "boyfriend" towards the end of the night. I'm just going to assume alcohol and her wanting a hook, not more, but still a very big compliment towards me. Unrelated to last night, I also met a old friend of mine while at the gym. It was kinda awkward to be honest as we hadn't spoken in years, so we just smiled at each other when we saw each other and went on with our stuff. After a while, she asked if I could record her while doing some pull ups to see if her form was alright which sparked a conversation. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back, perhaps I'm more likable than I've thought the past few years.

To anyone without anything to do whos feelin a bit down, I just spent the night and morning helping people out on /r/suicidewatch. Who knew making other people feel good could make [b]you[/b] feel so great?

I just can't fucking cry. This shouldn't be a problem. Just lemme cry for once, I need to get this out.

[QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;50894835]I just can't fucking cry. This shouldn't be a problem. Just lemme cry for once, I need to get this out.[/QUOTE] try watching a really sad show. that seems to help me.

It sucks to go all out to help a person you care a lot about with pretty much everything and then don't feel appreciated, trusted or even liked even as a friend back.

I've procrastinated nearly everything in my life so far, and so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself for treating suicide the same way.

[QUOTE=Mikenopa;50895968]I've procrastinated nearly everything in my life so far, and so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself for treating suicide the same way.[/QUOTE] You should be telling yourself that it's not because you're a procrastinator that you haven't killed yourself; but rather that, even subconsciously, you know that's not the true solution to your misfortune.

[QUOTE=Drk;50865104]But i don't have force to fight against my doctor again to get all the tests done. Because at this stage they think [I]"it's just anxiety, just be yourself XD !!!11"[/I]. Fuck. Plus i can't just start and stop eating shit based on such a vague event, i will lost weight and it will snowball again. One thing is sure : once i eat i feel like shit. Tired and dizzy, guaranteed. I also systematically need to shit after one hour / one hour and a half after eating something with more precision than a swiss watch, it's [B]always[/B] the same timing.[/QUOTE] Sounds pretty serious, dude. If you feel like your doctor isn't all that competent/trustworthy, why not try a second opinion?