Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=jonu67;51408286]Can't you like... Gather up evidence and report them to some sort of authority, from what I've read, the way they treat you, nobody should have to go through with that. Like I know it's not as easy as I make it sound, but their has to be something you can do. [editline]edit[/editline] I do understand abuse from family though, the feeling that you are trapped, the hurt, my father was a drunken, constantly drugged up fucker of a man, who beat my mother in front of me and treated her and me like dogshit throughout my childhood, he also had a temper that could go off on anything at any moment and who worked my mother to the bone, cleaning, actually going to work and providing for the house hold and not lifting a finger himsef, she still has breakdowns even now because of it, while he sat down and ate and drunk, in fact his side of the family are all straight up horrible people, they blamed my mother for everything, despite her being the victim, including leaving him and you might be thinking "Oh they didn't know he was horrible" oh they knew and they let it happen and they still forgave him and demonized my mother and me and now they are fucking stuck with that horrible man, as he lives with them now and I pity them for it. And they also blamed me for not wanting to see him anymore and love to talk shit about me, the things I hear from people I know who know them, I understand that he is my grandparents son I do, but the fact that they ignored our suffering, everything my mother told them about in favor of him and hate US for that, is just horrid. This entire thing crippled me emotionally for years, caused me to have spurts of anger, I lashed out a lot, did a lot of stuff I regret, but I'm better mentally now and to be quite frank, while it's dark and while I shouldn't want "revenge" because the bastard doesn't deserve my time, I can't wait until my father is dead and buried, the fucker deserves it. [editline]edit[/editline] Anyway, I really do hope you can get away from them somehow, I wish you the very best.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry. No one should see their mother get beaten, or be beaten or have anyone be beaten. :c I wish there was an agency I could report my family to but I feel bad because half of my family is dying anyhow and I managed to form a stable (somewhat) relationship with my mom and my younger brothers. (who I can't live with because her landlord thinks I'm an anorexic abusive murderer pyromaniac because she talks with my aunt on my dad's side of the family who is under contol of my grandmother who spreads rumors about me. Plus I have no bedroom there anymore.) But I'm 19. Far past the age where DSS could take me away to a foster home. I've been on my own and like I said, living under the radar and simply just existing. My freedom is an illusion because in the end my family still has control over me. They're waiting for the day I break down and succumb to their wishes of what they want me to be by sabotaging my life and destroying my passions. I have a job that pays under the table now and the only reason I am alive is because I am my own doctor and actually take care of my body. Could I get up and escape? Yeah. Where though? It's winter time and it's snowing now and I barely have enough money and no place to go. I'm lucky my job gives me free protein shakes and food because that's calorie-dense and I won't get outrageously sickly thin. My best friend I was rooming with is most likely going to move in with some boy who probably doesn't even love her and she's been ignoring me intentionally and chatting up other people and basically wants me out of her life because I'm "too depressed". So that's hurting too.

I apologize in advance if this becomes a bit of a text-wall, but I have to get this out there. Some might see this as some pity-story, I don't care. The situation and the feelings that have resulted are very real to me. Last month, I lost my job. Haven't been able to find work since. I've applied to many places, with no responses for any of them. Most jobs around here are either part-time jobs that give crap pay for crap work (fast food) or jobs that require 5+ years experience in their field, security clearances I don't have, certifications I don't have, etc. I've even advertised that I repair computers, and for a very competitive price, but no responses. It's like I don't even exist. I've filed for unemployment, but they haven't paid out. Rent is due in a week and there's no prospects that I'll find a job in time to make that payment. I have places to move into as a fall-back, but the idea of losing my independence after working as hard as I have to earn and maintain it makes me feel all the more worthless. One of them involves moving back with my parents, which I'd rather not do because my dad tends to drink, and when he drinks he becomes an asshole, which understandably does not do well for my sense of well-being. There are options to go back to college, but it does no good if I can't afford basic needs, and as a result I would still lose my independence. They have grants and scholarships, but they don't pay rent, they don't pay utilities, they don't buy groceries. Not for long anyway, even in the best-case scenario. On top of that, my deepest worry is that this has happened before. Lost a job, had to go back to school to learn a trade to get anywhere in the world, ended up stuck with my last job in a field I soon found I hated, in a company with no mobility except downwards. I don't know if I can stand to learn another trade only to find myself back in this situation how long from now? A year? Two years? Five? What's the point? Even though the last job "paid well" for this region, and I had earned two raises since I worked there, it didn't pay enough to allow me to improve myself, to pursue my dreams and goals, if I even had the time to do so. Even at $12 an hour, I was barely under the poverty line. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a year or so ago, and given a prescription for Prozac to "help" with it. Turns out one of the side-effects of Prozac is anxiety, who'da guessed it? Even if it helped as much as we all hoped it would, I no longer have insurance, and as a result I can't afford to refill it. All of this combined with ancient demons I can't put to rest have put me in a bad way as of late. I can't recall the last time I felt like such a failure. The one thing I have going for me is that many people seem to think I'm really smart, because I can fix computers and some electronics, as well as understand a wide array of scientific ideas and principles. Well I certainly don't feel very fucking smart. I [I]WISH[/I] I was half as smart as they thought I was. I wish I could stop this feeling that death is an option. If it weren't for the grief and despair it would cause my friends and family, I probably wouldn't even be here. I'm so confused and conflicted, I don't know what else to do. I've even shot down my own internal suggestion of starting a GoFundMe page because 1) Who the fuck would care, and 2) I feel like it would be resorting to begging. I don't [B]want[/B] to beg. I don't [B]want[/B] a hand-out. I just want a fucking job. A job that can pay my bills, and allow me to grow. That's all I want, this town doesn't have it, and I can't afford to move anywhere to pursue it. I feel so trapped.

Been out of the house for the first time in a month :v: I barely go out in the first place because nearly all of my friends are into getting drunk, and I don't drink so... I wondered around town and donated a bag of crap to the charity shop. Bumped into my former guitar teacher from high school as well, fucking legend :v: We got along and caught up. He remembered me surprisingly enough, considering he taught hundreds, if not thousands of students in his music career. Whilst I was waiting for the bus home a few elderly people started to talk to me and we had a laugh. I try and talk to as many elderly people as possible because they tend to be lonely, especially during this time of year. It really warms you up inside when you help others who may be less fortunate.

Back to feeling like shit. Enjoyed those 3ish days, best I've felt in ages. Now I get to look forward to the next episode, whenever that might be. Bluh. [editline]23rd November 2016[/editline] Legitimately curious if I might have some kind of bipolarism. It's been like this since I was a teen. The depressive states aren't suicidally bad but they can get pretty deep. Maybe it's just me overthinking it.

Sorry this was dumb.

Man... just when you think things are getting better and you finally start to get your head above the hole somethings pulls you back. I had a bad sickness / weakness attack six months ago which triggered a shitload of anxiety / depression. The said anxiety and depression were going better these past two months but guess what ? Same shit yesterday. It's always the same presentation : nausea, heart racing, unsteadiness, shakiness, paleness of the skin and cold sweat. Both times happened a couple of hours after a workout.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;51415711]Need some advice. After I had made my peace and left my father's house over constant fucking fighting over him and his girlfriend. Apparently the girlfriend is making shit up about how it all went down and putting the blame on me. I know my dad doesn't buy it but I really gotta know how the fuck to approach it when I call him tomorrow and bring it up and clear the air. I wasn't taking it to heart but now there's lies going on and ngl I'm getting close to cutting off all communication with em. Same if I can't get my dad to help with the situation. I know things he doesn't want to say to his girlfriend because of what she's done and how toxic it is.[/QUOTE] This is not your concern, it's all on your father. Sooner or later he has to choose between his girlfriend or his family, and as a father he knows what to do in the end. I've been in similar situations myself, and it has always worked by cutting all communications from them, as if they were losing a child; this always made them desperate to reach me. When they try to contact you, do not give them the [I]first[/I] cookie, keep being hidden until they 100% realize that they have to make a choice: "Is she really worth it?"

[QUOTE=thrawn2787;51402582]why aren't you on your parent's? iirc you can stay on until like 26 or something.[/QUOTE] When I turned 18 my parents health insurance wanted over $400/month extra just to cover me. [editline]24th November 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=IJNOMED;51408752]Stuff[/QUOTE] Start the application process for medicaid now and don't delay. You can apply online - find where for your state [URL="https://www.healthcare.gov/marketplace-in-your-state/"]here[/URL]. Most people don't realize this but therapists can do more then just counselling. They help people find housing and can do other stuff too. [editline]24th November 2016[/editline] Also you should consider applying for other government aids (like food stamps) since you're worried about being able to eat if you get kicked out. There is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. From how your home life is sounding you might want to run a free credit check and see if your parents have opened any lines of credit in your name or anything else. Better to be safe then sorry.

I was hoping my family would keep it together long enough for me to enjoy my visit back home since they did a decent job last time, but I was naive to think that would happen again. My mother's started an argument with either me or someone else in my family 4 times since I arrived last afternoon, and started within 3 hours of me stepping off the plane. And I have another 3 days to go until my return flight. I told my mother last time I visited that if she couldn't tone down her arguing and yelling at least a little while I was here, I wouldn't visit again. I hate to do this, but I don't think I'm coming back at least for a while. Definitely not for Christmas. I don't visit so I can relive the yelling and belittling I experienced for the last 4 years again, and I don't want to be here until that gets into her thick fucking skull. After today I'm almost considering flying back to campus early if I can.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;51402507]Can't get a therapist because I have no health insurance and my parents cant be bothered to show me how to do that and I don't know how to.[/QUOTE] Sorry for posting again, but I have more to add here for IJNOMED and anyone else in this position. If for whatever reason you can't get health insurance you can find therapists that work on a sliding scale system. If you're working part time and grossing say $500/month you might pay $30/session or less. And you can still get drugs without health insurance. The generic equivalents are usually cheap (like $30/bottle cheap). Then again, most people that hold out on insurance because they think they can't afford it don't realize medicaid is free and covers a lot of things including therapy and dental.. anyone in this position should at least try applying. Also, quite a few people get confused on "household" when filing taxes or applying for health insurance. Even if you live with your parents, you do not include them in your household. tax filer + spouse + tax dependants = household. If you're letting your parents add you as a dependant and not filing your own taxes, it's time to file anyway. You can give them a friendly heads up or let the IRS deal with them. I hope it works out for you IJNOMED.

Hey guys! I've been a member of this forum for quite some time (though not nearly as long as many of you), through thick and thin on a personal level, but I've never really engaged in this thread. I'm not going to say I've got everything figured out, but I would love to offer advice from my own perspective. I'm currently volunteering as a chaplain, am an English major in my Junior year of college with several writing jobs. Anything anyone doesn't want to discuss in the thread I'm very willing to discuss via PMs and will promise to keep between us. My life plan is to pursue narrative journalism during my 20's and 30's, and then pivot to psychotherapy because deep down I really just want to help people.

Also my pipe dream is to own a functional, boat access only lighthouse (with built in boat dock in the cement foundation) to live in for my old age. I may have connected too deeply with Alan Wake. [editline]25th November 2016[/editline] Forgot that too much time had elapsed for automerge, sorry!

Brief update on my situation. Good news is I'm not quite as broke as I thought I was. Thought I had <$150 in my account, turns out I have $240. Bad news is I still can't afford rent, which is due in 6 days, and still no job prospects. Worse news is I found out that the reason unemployment isn't paying out is because I was honest about how I lost my job ("act of aggression"). So I owned up to an incredibly stupid mistake in order to better get past it, but fuck me, right?

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51428313]Brief update on my situation. Good news is I'm not quite as broke as I thought I was. Thought I had <$150 in my account, turns out I have $240. Bad news is I still can't afford rent, which is due in 6 days, and still no job prospects. Worse news is I found out that the reason unemployment isn't paying out is because I was honest about how I lost my job ("act of aggression"). So I owned up to an incredibly stupid mistake in order to better get past it, but fuck me, right?[/QUOTE] Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished. I'm currently waiting out the incubation period to discover if I got Hepatitis B from helping a homeless man suffering from delerium tremens get to the emergency room after I found him on the sidewalk. There was some minor fluid contact. I'm probably fine, but it's not a fun doubt to have crawling around in your head. What's your landlord's policy on late rent? How much runway do you have?

[QUOTE=Blanketspace;51428379]Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished. I'm currently waiting out the incubation period to discover if I got Hepatitis B from helping a homeless man suffering from delerium tremens get to the emergency room after I found him on the sidewalk. There was some minor fluid contact. I'm probably fine, but it's not a fun doubt to have crawling around in your head. What's your landlord's policy on late rent? How much runway do you have?[/QUOTE] 3 days past the due-date is my lee-way time. I could try talking to them about an extension (pay half-ish now, the rest later) but it's doubtful. The landlords and real-estate moguls around here are self-serving assholes.

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51428313]Worse news is I found out that the reason unemployment isn't paying out is because I was honest about how I lost my job ("act of aggression"). So I owned up to an incredibly stupid mistake in order to better get past it, but fuck me, right?[/QUOTE] Contact a lawyer and see if there isn't a way to salvage the situation. Most offer free consults.

Dunno if this is the right place but a few years back when I was going through one of my worst periods and got diagnosed by my doc and all that I was also diagnosed with OCD. I never really thought much of it because I just assumed it was either very minor or was really only a side thing caused by underlying issues. Plus I never really had any of the cliche symptoms so I thought it couldn't be that bad. But now I'm starting to realize it might affect me way more than I thought it did and it's making me really nervous. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't really know 100% what specifically is being caused by it. I just know that there's certain problems I have that lately I've been able to look at them and think 'Yeah that's probably got something to do with it.'. But it interferes with my life on a completely constant basis and causes me a ton of stress and anxiety. It just makes me feel really uneasy and powerless because I don't know where to start if I want to tackle it. It's scary.

[QUOTE=TheBrokenHobo;51429056]Dunno if this is the right place but a few years back when I was going through one of my worst periods and got diagnosed by my doc and all that I was also diagnosed with OCD. I never really thought much of it because I just assumed it was either very minor or was really only a side thing caused by underlying issues. Plus I never really had any of the cliche symptoms so I thought it couldn't be that bad. But now I'm starting to realize it might affect me way more than I thought it did and it's making me really nervous. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't really know 100% what specifically is being caused by it. I just know that there's certain problems I have that lately I've been able to look at them and think 'Yeah that's probably got something to do with it.'. But it interferes with my life on a completely constant basis and causes me a ton of stress and anxiety. It just makes me feel really uneasy and powerless because I don't know where to start if I want to tackle it. It's scary.[/QUOTE] You could keep a journal and log down anything you think might be obsessive behavior (obviously, journaling in itself could become obsessive as well). If you still see a psych professional you can ask them to give you an outside perspective on your behavior. [editline]26th November 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=nagachief;51396729]College was actually the point in my life where I felt the lonliest.[/QUOTE] As an only child who lived about half an hour from my school, and similar distances or farther from the friends I'd see, I had a really weird time with living on campus. Something about being completely surrounded by people who I didn't know at all made me feel lonelier than I felt alone, because even my personal time and space felt like they'd been stripped from me. I was very comfortable with being alone by myself, but being alone surrounded by 40,000 strangers (aside from the people I'd met and knew) was far more isolating.

[QUOTE=Blanketspace;51429191]You could keep a journal and log down anything you think might be obsessive behavior (obviously, journaling in itself could become obsessive as well). If you still see a psych professional you can ask them to give you an outside perspective on your behavior.[/QUOTE] Yeah that's a good idea. Journaling is weirdly difficult for me. I hate writing down personal feelings and stuff and it's a hard barrier for me to get past. Same goes with talking to professionals. I've done it before and its helped a bit but I always put up a wall that's so hard to crack that nothing ever gets done. Right now though I do have a list of things I'm pretty sure are caused by it, so that helps a bit.

[QUOTE=TheBrokenHobo;51429224]Yeah that's a good idea. Journaling is weirdly difficult for me. I hate writing down personal feelings and stuff and it's a hard barrier for me to get past. Same goes with talking to professionals. I've done it before and its helped a bit but I always put up a wall that's so hard to crack that nothing ever gets done. Right now though I do have a list of things I'm pretty sure are caused by it, so that helps a bit.[/QUOTE] Yeah, you don't need to write down any personal feelings at all, just keep a daily list of behavior you think might have been obsessive in retrospect. If you catch yourself doing it while it's happening you can check yourself and make sure it's really necessary. I do stuff like always double check that my doors are locked before I leave or go to bed, but that's just because a bunch of my friends have been robbed recently.

Hey, yesterday I was prescribed fluoxetine for my anxiety, and I was wondering if anyone else here is on fluoxetine and if so, what's your experience is with it?

[QUOTE=Unique_mask;51430370]Hey, yesterday I was prescribed fluoxetine for my anxiety, and I was wondering if anyone else here is on fluoxetine and if so, what's your experience is with it?[/QUOTE] Everyone experiences different symptoms etc., no matter what anti-depressants they take. For me however, when I was on Fluoxetine my anxiety levels shot right up. My GP told me to stop taking it because of it.

i'm never going to get hired

[QUOTE=Qaus;51430787]i'm never going to get hired[/QUOTE] You and me both :v:

[QUOTE=Unique_mask;51430370]Hey, yesterday I was prescribed fluoxetine for my anxiety, and I was wondering if anyone else here is on fluoxetine and if so, what's your experience is with it?[/QUOTE] I tried it for a few weeks, then I got prescribed a higher dose and right then decided to just stop taking it all together. I didn't like how it made me feel, but then again everyone reacts differently. It's hard to tell exactly how it affected me because the changes were very subtle. I think it made my emotions more flat and I didn't like that.

I haven't had a friend irl since I was 12 years old, all my online friends seem to leave after less than a year and no matter what I do and how much I push myself and try to improve I can't seem to get close to anyone. And now I've gotten back to drinking heavily to dull it all away. My psychiatrist only seem to wanna prescribe me antidepressants that doesn't work and it doesn't help that I was misdiagnosed as a child which lead me to having to go to a school for mentally retarded kids thus essentially ruining my late childhood and my teenage years. Dunno why I'm even writing this, guess I wanna vent.

-snip-

I have my last session of CBT on Monday and I'm really worried, I've had 12 sessions and it's done basically nothing to help me and I don't know what to do next. I'll also miss my therapist because she was really nice and understanding and I don't think I can go through it all again because it took me weeks to open up to her I also got put on Mirtazapine and my mood has been awful for the last week (been taking it for about 10 days) and I'm hoping it will get better or at least do something to improve my mood. I just hate thinking about how I want to die 24/7. I just want to be content, it doesn't have to be happy I just want to not feel like dying. Anyone got experience with this antidepressant? I feel like nothing will fix me and that I'll always be this depressed...fuck

A couple of weeks ago I kept thinking about how I'm supposed to take my life without leaving clues on accident/suicide/murder. I had it all in detail, so many details even the yearly seasons would make an impact on my corpse. Felt suicidal since I was 12 due to several disabilities and bullying in three schools, plus no friends until college (best time of my life). Tried taking my life before, but I lacked courage, life philosophies and worldviews. Now I have the power to do it, only problem is that I have to do it perfect. So far I do have a plan until I find a better one; and that leads to 4 months left for me to live (in case something comes up). Now I'm 25 and I had some weird anxiety attack yesterday. Strongest heart, lung spear-penetrated feeling yet. You know when you can't stop constantly thinking about dying? It was like that except it went on for several hours, faster and stronger and every thing I saw on the street could somehow help me die. I was not terrified for dying, but that I had no control of my body and mind, as I walked around compulsively. The other thing I noticed was how 80% of all colors vanished, and all light was more bright, but yet more comfortable. Kind of like meditation, as I felt like floating around as I was the only person in the world. I've really thought this thru, but so far there's nothing except for family relationships, and the unknown reality of deaths' aftermath that stops me from wanting to take the step the world would never understand. Everything else wagers that it's better to leave, which I will. Personally I do hope something happens in the next 4 months, but I really doubt it. It's a strange feeling when you count the days; relieving, yet eerie.

[QUOTE=Unique_mask;51430370]Hey, yesterday I was prescribed fluoxetine for my anxiety, and I was wondering if anyone else here is on fluoxetine and if so, what's your experience is with it?[/QUOTE] I was on Fluoxetine, and it also made me anxious, among other things. Anxiety is even one of the listed side-effects. :v: [url]https://www.drugs.com/sfx/prozac-side-effects.html[/url] But different drugs affect people differently because everyone is different. (who knew?) I will say it was much better than Zoloft though. Before Zoloft I had intense feelings of worthlessness, with Zoloft those feelings would intensify to the point where I was looking for a building to throw myself off of. That being said, Prozac wasn't much better in terms of results. I had various side-effects, including the diarrhea and head-aches and drowsiness. Hell, the drowsiness made it hard to stay awake at work, even if I had a good night's sleep, which is nerve-wracking as hell when you're driving a company vehicle. That and I never had sleep paralysis before Prozac, and holy [B]FUCK[/B] is that an experience. [editline]26th November 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=The bird Man;51431766]A couple of weeks ago I kept thinking about how I'm supposed to take my life without leaving clues on accident/suicide/murder. I had it all in detail, so many details even the yearly seasons would make an impact on my corpse. Felt suicidal since I was 12 due to several disabilities and bullying in three schools, plus no friends until college (best time of my life). Tried taking my life before, but I lacked courage, life philosophies and worldviews. Now I have the power to do it, only problem is that I have to do it perfect. So far I do have a plan until I find a better one; and that leads to 4 months left for me to live (in case something comes up). Now I'm 25 and I had some weird anxiety attack yesterday. Strongest heart, lung spear-penetrated feeling yet. You know when you can't stop constantly thinking about dying? It was like that except it went on for several hours, faster and stronger and every thing I saw on the street could somehow help me die. I was not terrified for dying, but that I had no control of my body and mind, as I walked around compulsively. The other thing I noticed was how 80% of all colors vanished, and all light was more bright, but yet more comfortable. Kind of like meditation, as I felt like floating around as I was the only person in the world. I've really thought this thru, but so far there's nothing except for family relationships, and the unknown reality of deaths' aftermath that stops me from wanting to take the step the world would never understand. Everything else wagers that it's better to leave, which I will. Personally I do hope something happens in the next 4 months, but I really doubt it. It's a strange feeling when you count the days; relieving, yet eerie.[/QUOTE] Hang in there, man. I've had similar thoughts and tried to plan things out just like you, but ultimately the best thing you can do is find [I]something[/I] to hang on to. In my case, I haven't done it because I understand grief (friend of mine was shot and killed the year he was supposed to return to school, he was only 17 and suspended because he was schizophrenic and got involved in a fight, the schools are terrible about things like that here), and I just can't bring myself to be the cause of grief to others. It's a shitty feeling, but it keeps me going, and versus the uncertainty of death, at least in life you have [I]some[/I] modicum of control, for as with death, how will you know what happens next?