Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I've got absolutely no training in the field, but from my personal experience I have a fairly low opinion of most psychiatric medication. I feel as though the goal should always be to get a patient to a functional state on the absolute minimum of medication - using it as a temporary crutch rather than a prosthetic leg. [editline]26th November 2016[/editline] I'm posting in this thread because I nearly had a heart attack about two weeks ago. Had 10/11 symptoms of imminent heart attack (literally one from bingo), went into atrial fibrillation for about half an hour, and made complete peace with the fact that even though I no longer had any desire to die, I might have been about to. My father is the first male on his side of the family to live past 40 without dying of a heart attack, so this is our curse. I got a friend to drive me to the hospital (I could barely walk or see, let alone drive), and since I wasn't undergoing cardiac arrest (merely atrial fibrillation at 21) I was told to sit in the waiting room for two and a half hours until they could give me an EKG. I meditated the entire time, taking every breath as though it was my last, and despite two hours of uninterrupted mindful breathing my EKG results were still horrifying. It wasn't a near death experience, but it was definitely a near-near death experience.

i know some of you are having it way worse than I am, but i just want to get this out of my chest. i've been feeling a bit empty for a while. and i cant figure out why. i live a pretty good life i'd say, but lately college has been pretty stressful and i've been feeling really bad. i'm an indie game developer and i've been struggling to get anything done. i really dont know what to do. this feeling is really weird and i cant focus on other things properly. i'm scared of this whole thing tbh

Pushed people away to make them stop worry about me... Made them worry even more... Fuck...

Stopped going to therapy several months ago, assumed it was for general laziness in scheduling and setting up appointments and stuff. Turns out, psych doc stopped seeing me, not vice versa, because he felt no progress in the [I]year[/I] that I went there. Another thing to chalk to my own inadequacies and how I fucked that all up. Also've had this gut-wrenching mixture of guilt, shame, fear, and lord knows what else recently. Probably due to the thought of singlehandedly destroying the wonderful relationship I had with my girlfriend, the fear of the future (what with getting a college education and an apartment and the other "lovely" adventures of independence and responsibility - not that I don't want those, mind you), and the general lack of self-care. Seeing how my siblings, who have a lot of the same issues as I (given that some of the depression and anxiety is hereditary or taught through parenting), are doing actually spectacularly. My brother just bought a house, my sister has had an apartment and just bought a new car, and both of which have very healthy relationships with their SOs. I'm happy for them, sure, but god damn if that won't make you feel inadequate. Never posted in one of these threads before, just been feeling really isolated as of late. Hello everyone. Edit: Oh, also need to explain to my mom that I almost killed myself a week ago. That'll be fun.

sorry never posted here probably won't again but I need to fucking vent 2nd year of med school is slowly killing me, im pretty sure i've been suffering from depression for a solid 2-3 months. I'm hungover as fuck and found out my ex got with someone last night and literally lost my shit, had a knife ready in my hand to self harm or some dumb shit then managed to talk my self out of it. To top it off I don't have any cigs left which calm me down for a solid 5 mins. I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow and i literally pray they sort me out because I'm obviously getting pretty bad and can't really cope anymore. That's all ty guys.

I remember a time I didn't feel so negative or angry or unhappy all the time, or when I didn't have voices in my head telling me awful things, or a time where I didn't get awful images in my head... [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrZRURcb1cM]"] "But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost"[/URL] ... ;~;

When everyone says; "You're beyond my help" that's when I suicide the most. Why do people say stop talking about being depressed then do things that make it worse? Nothing makes me feel worse than someone else getting mad at me, it make me want to smash my head into a wall.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51435158]When everyone says; "You're beyond my help" that's when I suicide the most. Why do people say stop talking about being depressed then do things that make it worse? Nothing makes me feel worse than someone else getting mad at me, it make me want to smash my head into a wall.[/QUOTE] If your therapist is saying that I'd start asking some pretty pointed questions in their direction and looking for a new therapist. Therapists can't always help. But if it's happened multiple times maybe you're seeing the wrong type of therapist. If you're seeing someone trained in psychoanalysis then maybe you should try someone trained in behavior or experiential therapy, as an example. Good luck!

[QUOTE=Qaus;51430787]i'm never going to get hired[/QUOTE] I feel the same way. It's gotten so bad I can barely put in apps now. Being unemployed for over a year and a half also doesn't help. Plus I constantly worry that the bf will cheat or leave me or something if I can't find any work and help pay bills. Also I'm starting to think I need to get the nexplanon birth control taken out of my arm. I have always had a fair bit of depression but for like the last year this stupid implant plus life events has really affected me. I swear this thing has added anxiety which I haven't had since middle school, and worsened my depression by like 5x. It's started to interfere with even daily life now, usually killing my motivation to do anything. If it continues into next year it's gone. Hopefully I won't be instantly preggers after I remove it haha, because if this is what fucked me up this bad I refuse to do any hormonal birth control again. Ugh. I hope I can get it taken out cheaply or I'll have to have my bf's nurse mom take it out or do it myself.

person desperately in need of void fill.

My therapist's been advising recently that I look into medication for my anxiety and depression. I've been resisting it for some time since I feel psychotherapy is helping me, but at the rate it's going I don't think psychotherapy alone is going to get me to a desirable state and now I'm seriously considering it. I've never taken medication for anything mental before, and I've still got reservations about it - I get the impression that when I decide to take medication it's just going to become a bandaid for the larger problem, or even make it worse. Is it worth it?

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51436527]If your therapist is saying that I'd start asking some pretty pointed questions in their direction and looking for a new therapist. Therapists can't always help. But if it's happened multiple times maybe you're seeing the wrong type of therapist. If you're seeing someone trained in psychoanalysis then maybe you should try someone trained in behavior or experiential therapy, as an example. Good luck![/QUOTE]It's not my therapist, but I only get 10 one hour sessions a year and sometimes I just have mental breakdowns. I have no one to talk to 99% of the time, part of the reason is that I can't articulate it what's wrong with me. I can't handle it, I'm going around in circles. The one thing annoys me the most is that most people don't think like me. People need to get ahead and in order to do that they have to do whatever one else does better. In other words to see how other people think and work around it. I don't, I just go around in circles because I'm blinded by this asperges and dyslexia, I can't fix myself and it's driving me mad. If I didn't have this fucking problems I'd be closer to the sum of the average. I don't want to suicide, but I can't fix myself. The logic for me to suicide is sound, I'm not the person I should be so there for my existence is null and void. I was probably the wrong sperm or something. Why else would it be that the entire world can see what I can't and disagree with me at every turn. I think the wrong way I can't fix my brain. People keep saying accept yourself, accept yourself, what a load of horse, I'm not smart, but I'm smart enough to know that "accept yourself" is only an excuse people give you because your life is fucked and they don't want to be responsible for giving you bad advice. [B]I'm not going to accept myself because I fucking hate myself. Deal with it [/B]

This might sound like a load of bull, but can't you give the world a chance to see if you can grow into the person you "should be" ? I myself are unsure about a lot of things in my life, especially connected to my identity as a person and where I should place myself in the whole "cogs of the social life", but through many depressions and what else I've decided to see what the world got in store and try my hardest to explore it. I don't like the person I was 6 years ago, I'm really uncertain about the person I am now and the future is looking worrying. I'm afraid to change, still I know it's a natural part of life. I don't have any good advice for you, all I got is this: Change your enviroment somehow, try to make a "fresh start" and try to find value in the smallest things. You probably already know this, but I still wanted to say it.

But doesn't acceptance feel like knowing something is wrong with you living with it? Acceptance just makes me think of a bunch of hipsters having a pick nick. I just don't think the right way, my brain works in a way that's incompatible with 99% of the universe. I just never make any progress with anything, never accomplish anything and I'm wrong 100% of the time. Where's the I give up button? I don't want to suicide, but I don't know what to do.

[QUOTE=racerfan;51438805]My therapist's been advising recently that I look into medication for my anxiety and depression. I've been resisting it for some time since I feel psychotherapy is helping me, but at the rate it's going I don't think psychotherapy alone is going to get me to a desirable state and now I'm seriously considering it. I've never taken medication for anything mental before, and I've still got reservations about it - I get the impression that when I decide to take medication it's just going to become a bandaid for the larger problem, or even make it worse. Is it worth it?[/QUOTE] When I was growing up my mother did not believe in therapy or medicine even when desperately needed. Getting my records, going back through them and finding out why my initial therapy really stopped was pretty hard for me. I've only recently been able to start getting treated for my depression and anxiety and let me tell you after getting on Fluoxetine the difference is night and day. tl;dr initial therapist back when I was 11 was correct in diagnoses and parents were dumbasses.

[QUOTE=racerfan;51438805]My therapist's been advising recently that I look into medication for my anxiety and depression. I've been resisting it for some time since I feel psychotherapy is helping me, but at the rate it's going I don't think psychotherapy alone is going to get me to a desirable state and now I'm seriously considering it. I've never taken medication for anything mental before, and I've still got reservations about it - I get the impression that when I decide to take medication it's just going to become a bandaid for the larger problem, or even make it worse. Is it worth it?[/QUOTE] if it helps, medication has helped me a lot in situations where i'd have been absolutely useless.

I have a dentist appointment on wednesday and I'm experiencing severe anxiety just thinking about having to go there. I'm using all my strength not to pick up the phone and cancel. Christmas is coming up and I can't imagine myself enjoying it at all. This time last year I was happy, singing along to christmas music and having a good time, this year I'm horribly depressed and I can't imagine leaving my house. I really need to start seeing a therapist but unfortunately the waiting times are horrendously long and I don't affoard to seek it privately. :frown:

I fucking [I]hate[/I] this time of year. I'm not a grinch or anything, it's just the winter months. I get colds after colds no matter what time of year it is, but winter is just the worst time for me and that crap :sick:

I've pushed myself so much to improve myself and genuinely put in work to improve my situation in life and yet I find myself drinking again. That's usually what I did when I felt down and worthless, drink it all away and I thought I'd moved on but now I'm here again, drinking. I've tried so hard to get my life back in track but it seems for nothing after this year.

I can't take it, why am I me? The guy who started this forum get's to lord it over the community and punish people for his own sadistic pleasure. Another asshole born into a rich family get's to lord it over the free world after saying things that are much worse than I ever have. Another raises the price of life saving pills and 10 months on he's praised for being the nicest guy on the internet. Other people just get on with people get everything thing right all the fucking, I'm wrong about everything all the fucking time and get constantly made fun of for it and this is acceptable, people expect me to just sit there go; oh well I guess I'm fuckwit. It's not just this forum it's everywhere, it's other forums, other people, fucking everywhere. People seems to accept the asshole who get's luck and reject the poor guy is never given a chance. I don't know, I think I'm gong crazy. I'm having some sort of rage mental brake down or something I'm just fucking losing it. Does everyone want me to die for some reason, what the fuck am I missing here? FUCK. I'm losing it. I'm sick people hating me attacking everywhere, from the Premier of New South Wales treating the state like is own personal playground to some asshole on youtube trolling me. I can't fucking take it. If I'm wrong all he time 'World', why the fuck can an asshole who's wrong about everything like Trump be leader of the free world, when I can't sell someone asshole in HR on giving me a job in VFX? What's the difference between his bullshit and mine. How can I fix myself if everyone else in the world is broken? What the fuck do I do here? I said everything I can say, I'm completely lost...

look man, as much as we want it to be otherwise, I gotta say that this world is an unfair place. I've experienced first hand how unfair it can be, and no matter what privileges I had, I had to fight tooth and nail to be accepted as a doctor when I was studying. It was only during my internship that most of my teachers acknowledged that I had what it took, and half of these did so grudgingly. Some people are just born lucky, it's the way of the world. Nothing to be done about that. Best to just try showing some equanimity towards it, that is to say, don't think so much about why blind chance let this happen. It'll only make things worse.

I crashed on Saturday and broke my spine, then one of my friends asked me if I did it on purpose... [QUOTE=RoboChimp;51440413]I'm losing it. I'm sick people hating me attacking everywhere, from the Premier of New South Wales treating the state like is own personal playground to some asshole on youtube trolling me. I can't fucking take it. [/QUOTE] You [I]did[/I] rate my wrecked car "funny".

[QUOTE=Ldesu;51440500]I crashed on Saturday and broke my spine, then one of my friends asked me if I did it on purpose... You [I]did[/I] rate my wrecked car "funny".[/QUOTE]I'm very sorry, I was looking through 50 tabs and I didn't know the context.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51440413]I can't take it, why am I me? The guy who started this forum get's to lord it over the community and punish people for his own sadistic pleasure. Another asshole born into a rich family get's to lord it over the free world after saying things that are much worse than I ever have. Another raises the price of life saving pills and 10 months on he's praised for being the nicest guy on the internet. Other people just get on with people get everything thing right all the fucking, I'm wrong about everything all the fucking time and get constantly made fun of for it and this is acceptable, people expect me to just sit there go; oh well I guess I'm fuckwit. It's not just this forum it's everywhere, it's other forums, other people, fucking everywhere. People seems to accept the asshole who get's luck and reject the poor guy is never given a chance. I don't know, I think I'm gong crazy. I'm having some sort of rage mental brake down or something I'm just fucking losing it. Does everyone want me to die for some reason, what the fuck am I missing here? FUCK. I'm losing it. I'm sick people hating me attacking everywhere, from the Premier of New South Wales treating the state like is own personal playground to some asshole on youtube trolling me. I can't fucking take it. If I'm wrong all he time 'World', why the fuck can an asshole who's wrong about everything like Trump be leader of the free world, when I can't sell someone asshole in HR on giving me a job in VFX? What's the difference between his bullshit and mine. How can I fix myself if everyone else in the world is broken? What the fuck do I do here? I said everything I can say, I'm completely lost...[/QUOTE] Just chill and watch history unfold. Lots of interesting things are going to happen over the course of your lifetime. Hell, this year the Brexit happened, the Cubs won the world series, Castro died, and Trump won the American presidential election. All of that came out of left field. [editline]29th November 2016[/editline] It's like a story but it's real life and it's actually happening. Maybe stock up a reasonable amount of emergency supplies if that stresses you out.

I don't know, it's like the whole world isn't meant for me, like I'm in the wrong reality or something. I think that may be the asperges parts of my mind, but the it's frustrating. It's like my brain is incompatible with every other person, people say that's great you're individual, but the cold truth is that I'm really alone surrounded by people in real life and the internet that will never fully be able to relate to how I think and where I'm coming from and it's upsetting. That's the real reason I've never had a partner, without that bullshit I made up to keep people from knowing me.

I can feel the depression coming back, ugh. I think I can easily blame my own inactivity for that. Haven't worked out in nearly a month now and the consequences can be felt. Really want to go back but seems pretty impossible with a sprained hand that is still healing.

So according to my boss, there's nothing I can do about my unemployment situation. I can file appeals until I die from old age, but it won't do any good. Thankfully, she says that I have a strong case for disability, as she has records that I missed a lot of work days which is tied to my anxiety. I just have to get a doctor to say "Yup, he's anxious as fuck", but we'll see. I'm starting to realize now, looking back on everything, that my depression might have been brought on by my anxiety in some way. I've not always been depressed, but I have always been fearful of things that [i]might[/i] happen, so my depression may be a result of me thinking back on the past and being like "YUP! SEE! I TOLD YOU! FUCKING WORTHLESS!". And my former boss also offered to pay me the rest of what I owe for rent and then-some, as I'm currently $110 short. :cry:

I started to miss her again... Fuck, I want someone that can hold around me :(

-snip nevermind, why even bother writing down what hurts anymore-

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51446580]So according to my boss, there's nothing I can do about my unemployment situation. I can file appeals until I die from old age, but it won't do any good. Thankfully, she says that I have a strong case for disability, as she has records that I missed a lot of work days which is tied to my anxiety. I just have to get a doctor to say "Yup, he's anxious as fuck", but we'll see. I'm starting to realize now, looking back on everything, that my depression might have been brought on by my anxiety in some way. I've not always been depressed, but I have always been fearful of things that [I]might[/I] happen, so my depression may be a result of me thinking back on the past and being like "YUP! SEE! I TOLD YOU! FUCKING WORTHLESS!". And my former boss also offered to pay me the rest of what I owe for rent and then-some, as I'm currently $110 short. :cry:[/QUOTE] Of course your boss is going to say that. They don't want to pay for your unemployment. Personally I think you have a pretty strong case and an attorney would be willing to take it. You have known anxiety issues and your boss didn't take that into account in whatever lead up to the "act of aggression".