Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Well it's almost certain that I have PTSD. Therapy today was... intense. I should've brought things up earlier in the session, and as time went on I just broke down. Had to leave though due to the session ending, and so I left, got some coffee. Walked around downtown Philly for a bit towards the bus stop. Went home crying and absolutely full of anxiety and depression and everything being overwhelming. Talked to my girlfriend for a bit, which really helped, then took a nap. It's good to know what's going on but... It's painful.

I have been feeling more and more depressed due to the situation I am stuck in. Stuck in a 170+ hours a month job in a country where its tradtions and more conservative views on FUCKING HOBBIEW AND FREE TIME make me a social outcast forcing me to hide my hobbies and general nerd intrests. It feels opressive makes me depressed and hate myself and the work load is driving me insane. All because if I dont work 200+h a month im not a true Estonian or something. I wake up each morning hoping this is all a nightmare but then I realize this is the horrid country im living in and its driving me to consider just ending it all.

Do any of you guys have any experience with hypno therapy? My girlfriend's dealing with anxiety and her first appointment is today. I'd just want to know if/how this has helped anyone in this thread. And good luck to all of you wonderful people!

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;51449951]I have been feeling more and more depressed due to the situation I am stuck in. Stuck in a 170+ hours a month job in a country where its tradtions and more conservative views on FUCKING HOBBIEW AND FREE TIME make me a social outcast forcing me to hide my hobbies and general nerd intrests. It feels opressive makes me depressed and hate myself and the work load is driving me insane. All because if I dont work 200+h a month im not a true Estonian or something. I wake up each morning hoping this is all a nightmare but then I realize this is the horrid country im living in and its driving me to consider just ending it all.[/QUOTE] IMO revel in it. Own your situation, enjoy your hobbies and be open about it. If some sadact tries to shame you throw it back at them, make them feel like a mug for spending all their time working while you're having fun and doing cool stuff. If you're open about your hobbies you might find people who share them and you win, if you stay closed and ashamed (never be ashamed btw) then there is nothing good that will become of it.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;51449951]I have been feeling more and more depressed due to the situation I am stuck in. Stuck in a 170+ hours a month job in a country where its tradtions and more conservative views on FUCKING HOBBIEW AND FREE TIME make me a social outcast forcing me to hide my hobbies and general nerd intrests. It feels opressive makes me depressed and hate myself and the work load is driving me insane. All because if I dont work 200+h a month im not a true Estonian or something. I wake up each morning hoping this is all a nightmare but then I realize this is the horrid country im living in and its driving me to consider just ending it all.[/QUOTE] If you wallow in what other people think of you, It'll only lead to more stress and sadness in your life. Not saying you should shut off the rest of the world but do things for yourself, and if they disapprove of something so inconsequential... what gives them the right anyway? Basically, own what you are.

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;51449984]IMO revel in it. Own your situation, enjoy your hobbies and be open about it. If some sadact tries to shame you throw it back at them, make them feel like a mug for spending all their time working while you're having fun and doing cool stuff. If you're open about your hobbies you might find people who share them and you win, if you stay closed and ashamed (never be ashamed btw) then there is nothing good that will become of it.[/QUOTE] I get judged for walking around with a fucking star wars shirt in public. And im not ashamed of my hobbies or intrests its just the general oppressive feeling here relating to it. Estonians for most part have what one could call tunnel vision on anythin not related to "Proud tradtional working man of Estonia" and this is not even the worst of it. I cant even move away to a better country due to how I fucked myself on education mattes and now im making 3 eur a hour slaving away.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;51450005]I get judged for walking around with a fucking star wars shirt in public. And im not ashamed of my hobbies or intrests its just the general oppressive feeling here relating to it. Estonians for most part have what one could call tunnel vision on anythin not related to "Proud tradtional working man of Estonia" and this is not even the worst of it. I cant even move away to a better country due to how I fucked myself on education mattes and now im making 3 eur a hour slaving away.[/QUOTE] People tend to judge and shame others when they have issues with themselves. Those people who shame you for the star wars tshirt are probably messed in the head because they were put off enjoying stuff by some tight ass who had the same issue, they couldn't have fun so they get miffed when other people are having fun. Learn to not give a fuck what those losers think, if they challenge you on it then ask what they're into, its probably some boring shit like watching tv or drinking by themselves. Can't help much with the education thing cept that I failed uni, got all the debt from it but no degree. In your spare time try some learning to open your options up, I learnt to code from gmod and eventually got a job (web dev). You could try and learn to be more business minded (entrepreneur) or to be more manipulative (great for sales and life in general, you learn what people want/like and you find a way to make what you're selling appeal to that want) and get a job in sales. You have a load of options mate, school is nice because it says "do all this and you'll get a job" its reassuring but there are loads of other paths you can take, you'll just have to cut through the bushes to find those paths. Generally don't worry about taking risks, you're probably young and have other options for if stuff goes wrong so if your risk goes bad you have support, if your risk pays off then you win. What are your interests btw? would talking about them here help counter act the social conditioning to feel shame about them?

[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;51450044]People tend to judge and shame others when they have issues with themselves. Those people who shame you for the star wars tshirt are probably messed in the head because they were put off enjoying stuff by some tight ass who had the same issue, they couldn't have fun so they get miffed when other people are having fun. Learn to not give a fuck what those losers think, if they challenge you on it then ask what they're into, its probably some boring shit like watching tv or drinking by themselves. Can't help much with the education thing cept that I failed uni, got all the debt from it but no degree. In your spare time try some learning to open your options up, I learnt to code from gmod and eventually got a job (web dev). You could try and learn to be more business minded (entrepreneur) or to be more manipulative (great for sales and life in general, you learn what people want/like and you find a way to make what you're selling appeal to that want) and get a job in sales. You have a load of options mate, school is nice because it says "do all this and you'll get a job" its reassuring but there are loads of other paths you can take, you'll just have to cut through the bushes to find those paths. Generally don't worry about taking risks, you're probably young and have other options for if stuff goes wrong so if your risk goes bad you have support, if your risk pays off then you win. What are your interests btw? would talking about them here help counter act the social conditioning to feel shame about them?[/QUOTE] I do not feel shame for my intrest of sci-fi, film, miniature wargaming and model making im saying I feel depressed because Im stuck in a country where people dont understand nor appreciate such shit and that im stuck at a horrid job due to having to pay 50+ eur a month and having to feed myself and living with parents who also just about make enough money. And I do not even have the free time to go educate myself beyond the 1-9th grade levels I JUST BARELY Finished because school was difficult and im fairly damn sure I aint cut enough for higher end education. I am not the sharpest tool as people say. I'm just a drain on society and my family.

I feel like I'd be better off dead. I'm so fucked up in the head and such a fuck up as a human. Sooner or later I might get so desperate and insane that I'll most likely end up killing someone, raping a little girl or doing something fucked up. There's no redeeming qualities about me and nobody loves me so it's better off if I'm dead, to prevent all those things and to make way for better people. I've lost the person I care so much about and the reason I'm alive all because I fuck everything up. When people see me they think of a fucking loser, dumb, ugly, can't blame them for knowing who I am at first glance though, because I'm really all of that. I don't have many friends or have someone to like me. My parents don't even know how fucked up I am and if they knew they'd probably be glad if I'm dead, wouldn't want a son like me either. I'm so behind and inferior in a lot of ways. In school most students can study normally mostly, like it may take them a few hours to understand a small subject but for me I might need a whole month or even half a year to understand. I can't focus. I look around myself and I see people achieving things, being proud of. I've seen people younger than me who can achieve amazing stuff and I'm just here being a useless idiot. What 12 year olds can do normally I can only do when I'm probably 80 or something. All in all I'm just a useless, stupid, and meaningless nobody who never achieved something and probably never will. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fucked up in everything I am and do. I'm really desperate. I'm going to finish high school soon (that is if I actually pass) and I'll have to go to uni soon. I don't know what I want to take or how the system even works. Every time something good happens something bad is waiting around a corner. It feels like I'm getting progressively worse and worse no matter how much I try. I try to do something good and it backfires and I only end up failing or making a fool of myself. No matter how much I try, sacrifice things, I will always fail and that's how it's always been. I feel like this isn't how I'm supposed to be. I'm getting older and it feels like everything is getting worse. I'm so desperate. I'm willing to take shortcuts now, whether it's drugs, suicide, etc. I just want it to be over. Does anyone know any drugs that might take out my depression? Or that makes me enjoy life even at the slightest? Is there a quick way to kill myself? Please...

[B]Seek professional help and call a suicide hotline.[/B]

[QUOTE=racerfan;51438805]My therapist's been advising recently that I look into medication for my anxiety and depression. I've been resisting it for some time since I feel psychotherapy is helping me, but at the rate it's going I don't think psychotherapy alone is going to get me to a desirable state and now I'm seriously considering it. I've never taken medication for anything mental before, and I've still got reservations about it - I get the impression that when I decide to take medication it's just going to become a bandaid for the larger problem, or even make it worse. Is it worth it?[/QUOTE] You and me both. Exact same situation. I had to fill a depression quizz and apparently i'm sitting in medium / high depression. He said i should consider medication. I really don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to feel addicted. But worse, i don't want to look at myself in a while and think "you're only somewhat better because you took that shit, pussy". I honestly don't know.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51450198]I'm so behind and inferior in a lot of ways. In school most students can study normally mostly, like it may take them a few hours to understand a small subject but for me I might need a whole month or even half a year to understand. I can't focus. I look around myself and I see people achieving things, being proud of. I've seen people younger than me who can achieve amazing stuff and I'm just here being a useless idiot. What 12 year olds can do normally I can only do when I'm probably 80 or something. All in all I'm just a useless, stupid, and meaningless nobody who never achieved something and probably never will.[/QUOTE] That's at least in part because of your deep depression. You said you had ADHD & bipolar disorder in another post. But then you said you weren't going to see a psychiatrist - are you self diagnosing? Please seek help. Talking about raping and murdering people along with suicide is not normal whatsoever and this is something that's been a trend in your posts here for months. You're going to snap and hurt yourself or others if you don't seek treatment.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51449656]Of course your boss is going to say that. They don't want to pay for your unemployment. Personally I think you have a pretty strong case and an attorney would be willing to take it. You have known anxiety issues and your boss didn't take that into account in whatever lead up to the "act of aggression".[/QUOTE] It's more that the UI system has a "zero tolerance" policy to prevent people from going "Know what? I don't want to work anymore" and doing something to get them fired so they can draw a paycheck. ie "assholes fucking it up for everybody". And considering she says I have a strong case for disability, even citing the "act of aggression" and all the days I missed as a result of anxiety (I honestly thought it was just the side-effects of the Prozac, guess I was wrong), I think she's well aware of it. The reason they let me go is because they fired another guy who kicked me in the face twice, and so to cover their own asses they had to let me go for "aggressiveness" as well, otherwise he could come back and sue them because he lost his job and I didn't. (though I hardly think a shoulder bump vs. two kicks to the face is hardly comparable) As for the disability, the challenge is I have to get a doctor to state that I have anxiety within the past 30 days. Last time I visited them, they had me pee in a cup, and they didn't schedule an appointment after that. Probably a good thing seeing as I lost my job and no longer had insurance, hence couldn't afford to pay for another visit anyway. So my best bet right now is to see if I can get on Medicare/Medicaid and go from there, I guess. Also, got a response from one of the places I applied, at last. Local cheese plant, they're always hiring, they pay well, have good benefits, so hopefully- [quote]"Dear *redacted*, Thank you for your interest in the position currently available here at Glanbia Foods, Inc. (SWC) Although your qualifications are impressive, we have decided to pursue other candidates that more closely fit our needs. We encourage you to apply for future opportunities with the company. Thank you again, Glanbia"[/quote] Fuck's sake. Seems like no matter what I do it's never enough. [editline]30th November 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Drk;51450806]You and me both. Exact same situation. I had to fill a depression quizz and apparently i'm sitting in medium / high depression. He said i should consider medication. I really don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to feel addicted. But worse, i don't want to look at myself in a while and think "you're only somewhat better because you took that shit, pussy". I honestly don't know.[/QUOTE] You too, huh? They did the same with me. I went in to get tested for anxiety (which in reflection could've just as well caused my depression), they said "Well fill out this little form here", and I ranked higher for depression than anxiety so they just assumed it wasn't due to anxiety and put me on Prozac.

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51452154]It's more that the UI system has a "zero tolerance" policy to prevent people from going "Know what? I don't want to work anymore" and doing something to get them fired so they can draw a paycheck. ie "assholes fucking it up for everybody". And considering she says I have a strong case for disability, even citing the "act of aggression" and all the days I missed as a result of anxiety (I honestly thought it was just the side-effects of the Prozac, guess I was wrong), I think she's well aware of it. The reason they let me go is because they fired another guy who kicked me in the face twice, and so to cover their own asses they had to let me go for "aggressiveness" as well, otherwise he could come back and sue them because he lost his job and I didn't. (though I hardly think a shoulder bump vs. two kicks to the face is hardly comparable) As for the disability, the challenge is I have to get a doctor to state that I have anxiety within the past 30 days. Last time I visited them, they had me pee in a cup, and they didn't schedule an appointment after that. Probably a good thing seeing as I lost my job and no longer had insurance, hence couldn't afford to pay for another visit anyway. So my best bet right now is to see if I can get on Medicare/Medicaid and go from there, I guess.[/QUOTE] Hello lawsuit. Please consult an attorney ASAP. Free consult, worst case the lawyer says not worth pursing. But I think you have a very strong case (the fact your boss is willing to pay your rent even though you're fired says it all). Seriously, you'll regret not pursing this later on in life. I have run a business since 2011 and have employees. Your situation would be one of my worst nightmares.

-better if nobody knows-

That is more than a bit disturbing to read.

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[QUOTE=darksoul69;51452475]Hello lawsuit. Please consult an attorney ASAP. Free consult, worst case the lawyer says not worth pursing. But I think you have a very strong case (the fact your boss is willing to pay your rent even though you're fired says it all). Seriously, you'll regret not pursing this later on in life. I have run a business since 2011 and have employees. Your situation would be one of my worst nightmares.[/QUOTE] You really think so? She said she helped me with rent/bills because it's her Christian duty to help others, and she is a rather spiritual person. But I can see what you're getting at, maybe I'm naive and too worried about the future to see what's staring me in the face right now. The fact that she cried and said it was really hard to let me go, the fact that they waited until the pay period was over before telling me anything, combined with some of the other shady shit that I've been told the company was doing by fellow employees (not even mentioning that two of the part-owners recently went to trial for child abuse involving 8 adopted children). Fucking christ, maybe I AM naive. Guess I have another errand to run tomorrow.

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51452997]You really think so? She said she helped me with rent/bills because it's her Christian duty to help others, and she is a rather spiritual person. But I can see what you're getting at, maybe I'm naive and too worried about the future to see what's staring me in the face right now. The fact that she cried and said it was really hard to let me go, the fact that they waited until the pay period was over before telling me anything, combined with some of the other shady shit that I've been told the company was doing by fellow employees (not even mentioning that two of the part-owners recently went to trial for child abuse involving 8 adopted children). Fucking christ, maybe I AM naive. Guess I have another errand to run tomorrow.[/QUOTE] Bullshit. Every time I've been fired from a job my boss snubbed me on my last paycheck and never offered to "help" with anything. Also be wary of filing for disability as your ex boss is the one who suggested it and is pushing you towards it. Talk to a lawyer before doing anything further - if the lawyer gives the OK go for it. You don't want to screw your case before it even begins by giving your old employer any ammunition against you. [editline]30th November 2016[/editline] Might be worth talking to the lawyer about the whole disability thing anyway and how it will affect your future.

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"I don't know WHAT it is about your generation, but you are ALL FUCKING OBSESSED WITH RAPE!!!" WOW thanks mum, never mind your own daughter being raped and sexually attacked multiple times :goodjob: :suicide:

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51455030]"I don't know WHAT it is about your generation, but you are ALL FUCKING OBSESSED WITH RAPE!!!" WOW thanks mum, never mind your own daughter being raped and sexually attacked multiple times :goodjob: :suicide:[/QUOTE] What the fuck? No seriously, some context is needed here. Forgot to say, not your situation in detail but rather what made your mother say that and the context around it. Like, how is that even a thing you just say?

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51455030]"I don't know WHAT it is about your generation, but you are ALL FUCKING OBSESSED WITH RAPE!!!" WOW thanks mum, never mind your own daughter being raped and sexually attacked multiple times :goodjob: :suicide:[/QUOTE] Agreeing with IAmAnooB here, imma need some context for this because without context this sounds too retarded for words.

Only a monumentally stupid person could even make this kind of monumentally stupid generalization, and I'm thirding the context for this.

[QUOTE=IAmAnooB;51455151]What the fuck? No seriously, some context is needed here. Forgot to say, not your situation in detail but rather what made your mother say that and the context around it. Like, how is that even a thing you just say?[/QUOTE] Don't fucking ask, I'm confused as shit too :v: My dad is a VERY "Life carries on" type of person, and I love and respect him for that, especially since he had a shitty childhood and went through a life experience which was more painful than what I went though (he lost a child at birth). But compared to him, my mother doesn't have a fucking clue on how to be supportive or how to be a parent. At all.

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51455179]Don't fucking ask, I'm confused as shit too :v: My dad is a VERY "Life carries on" type of person, and I love and respect him for that, especially since he had a shitty childhood and went through a life experience which was more painful than what I went though (he lost a child at birth). But compared to him, my mother doesn't have a fucking clue on how to be supportive or how to be a parent. At all.[/QUOTE] I figured it'd have to be something of the sort. Makes me thankful for having two sensible parents, even if my dad had some issues with his temper when I was younger

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51455179]Don't fucking ask, I'm confused as shit too :v: My dad is a VERY "Life carries on" type of person, and I love and respect him for that, especially since he had a shitty childhood and went through a life experience which was more painful than what I went though (he lost a child at birth). But compared to him, my mother doesn't have a fucking clue on how to be supportive or how to be a parent. At all.[/QUOTE] Ah, now I understand. That sucks though. It just seems to me such an unsensitive and "not-parent" like thing to say. I have a similar situation myself but its reverse, meaning that it's my dad that don't understand how to be supportive at all, while my mother is very supportive if not almost too much. Though I haven't had anything extreme happen to me, just two depressions very close to eachother in a row that got them a little bit more than worried.

[QUOTE=IAmAnooB;51455189]Ah, now I understand. That sucks though. It just seems to me such an unsensitive and "not-parent" like thing to say. I have a similar situation myself but its reverse, meaning that it's my dad that don't understand how to be supportive at all, while my mother is very supportive if not almost too much. Though I haven't had anything extreme happen to me, just two depressions very close to eachother in a row that got them a little bit more than worried.[/QUOTE] I would NEVER wish that sort of thing on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But >IF< my mum ever experiences the same if not similar thing as me, then she would have at least [I]some[/I] fucking idea and understanding of what I went through.

Even knowing that, how the FUCK does that sentence even work? Obsessed with rape? In what way? That we want to do it? Want it done to us? Obsessed with calling everything rape? And why the fuck say that to someone who HAS been raped, your own fucking DAUGHTER of all people?

[QUOTE=BuffaloBill;51455216]Even knowing that, how the FUCK does that sentence even work? Obsessed with rape? In what way? That we want to do it? Want it done to us? Obsessed with calling everything rape? And why the fuck say that to someone who HAS been raped, your own fucking DAUGHTER of all people?[/QUOTE] Again, don't fucking ask :v: All I know for sure is that when (hopefully) I have kids, if anything happens to them that way, I would fight for them to the end, even if I had a good childhood/school life/teenage life. Not that I hate my mum or anything, but I agree 100% about [I]whatever[/I] my dad says about her. She's a C word and she has failed as a parent years ago.