Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I feel like quitting my job because it's monotonous and repetitive but then I realize I'm basically good for nothing so I'm pretty much stuck with this. Seems like the feelings of being useless come and go every other day.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51455234]I feel like quitting my job because it's monotonous and repetitive but then I realize I'm basically good for nothing so I'm pretty much stuck with this. Seems like the feelings of being useless come and go every other day.[/QUOTE] Man i can relate to this way too much. My actual job is boring as fuck, i explored all the facets of it. There's no challenge anymore, i just sit at my desk, do some random shit, watch some stupid videos and go home. It's not fulfilling. Plus it's far from home and even the bus travel starts to be boring as fuck, i just can't deal with it. I asked them to be switched somewhere else, i don't give a fuck where. Just to feel a semblant of change. The thing bothering me is that i don't know if it's the work being clearly boring as fuck or a depressive state that [B][I]makes me believe[/I][/B] that my job is boring as fuck.

[QUOTE=Drk;51455375]Man i can relate to this way too much. My actual job is boring as fuck, i explored all the facets of it. There's no challenge anymore, i just sit at my desk, do some random shit, watch some stupid videos and go home. It's not fulfilling. Plus it's far from home and even the bus travel starts to be boring as fuck, i just can't deal with it.[/QUOTE] man this is like, exactly my position right now. theres weeks where i do nothing. it makes me feel awful.

started new meds will hopefully stay on these a bit longer

Can barely get out of bed in the morning anymore, i want to get up around 7:30 or 8. But i wake up around 9 or 10. These past few weeks, i've barely had jack shit when it comes to motivation.

[QUOTE=Zero-Point;51452997]You really think so? She said she helped me with rent/bills because it's her Christian duty to help others, and she is a rather spiritual person. But I can see what you're getting at, maybe I'm naive and too worried about the future to see what's staring me in the face right now. The fact that she cried and said it was really hard to let me go, the fact that they waited until the pay period was over before telling me anything, combined with some of the other shady shit that I've been told the company was doing by fellow employees (not even mentioning that two of the part-owners recently went to trial for child abuse involving 8 adopted children). Fucking christ, maybe I AM naive. Guess I have another errand to run tomorrow.[/QUOTE] As a slight follow-up, how sad is it when the first result you get from Google-searching your boss's name gives you [url=http://www.cnjonline.com/2015/07/27/records-couple-faces-16-counts-of-child-abuse/]this[/url]? But I was let go because I was "aggressive". 'kay.

I think I have a serious problem with my line of thinking. I can't settle with my own thoughts as I am trying to think through a situation/problem, refining with every keystroke typed in on a keyboard, and it pretty much ends up with me not saying anything. I can't talk about anything because I have to think about it and sometimes I forget (from my point of view) rarely used words that I need to use in my sentences. I don't want to say bullshit that's not based in reality, don't want to say anything that has no truth behind it etc. I fear that if I do/say something wrong I'll lose a potential friend/mate. Sounds like I am a perfectionist, but how come I end up doing nothing whenever I get to have some free time? I had to retype this post like 6 time because my problems/focus were always shifting around. I have this flexible cashier work, which means I can choose when I want to work and how. The situation is that I haven't had a single, free weekend since like 6 weeks which isn't bad on its own, but I'm finally going to have money next week for going out and I still chose to work on that weekend too. My dilemma is that I need to socialize and even find a potential girlfriend, but how come I don't make myself some free time if that's what I want? Friends gonna be partying all around and I am missing out of that again as I always been missing out of everything for my entire life either by circumstances, conscious decision or by not being invited.

When I blame society or upbringing for my failures: "Don't blame others you are responsible to everything that happens to you/you do" When I blame myself for my failures: "Get some confidence, man. You aren't going to improve with that attitude."

finally called my therapist to set up another appointment, haven't seen him in well over a month now. suicidal thoughts have been creeping back up on me for some reason. I realized that the past 2 years of therapy have been bullshit because I've been afraid to tell any therapist about anything that is actually of importance, opting instead to talk about "drug use problems" (marijuana). I've never cried in therapy but have wanted to a few times. Always when talking about a family member, but of course the conversation was steered away. Moving away to college has made me realize that my upbringing was unhealthy, my parents were quite narcissistic at times with loud yelling and arguments commonplace in the household. Any disagreement was described to my brother and I as "creative discussion" and pushed aside. On more than one occasion i was verbally attacked by my father while he made personal insults about my personality, clothing, and lifestyle. The worst night he grabbed me by the shirt collar and threw me out of the house, screamed at me in our driveway for half of an hour, stopped yelling, and then hugged me for ten minutes. Any time I tried to back away from him, he would squeeze me tighter. After ten minutes, I was beginning to feel smothered and he let go of me, then began yelling at me again for another twenty minutes. I vividly remember that at this point he was yelling at me because I hadn't apologized to him, and that the only thing I needed to do was apologize to somebody if they were upset. He stood and stared at me for over ten seconds of pure silence, and I was forced to apologize to him after being hit with many deep-rooted insults. After I apologized, he acted like all was forgiven and I was told that I could go inside. I've never been so confused emotionally as I felt during this. While heading inside I slammed a door out of frustration and terror, ran to my room and locked the door while sobbing. I pushed my bed in front of the door so that it was impossible to open. My father came inside shortly after and tried to come into my room. He told me to unlock the door and I didn't answer. A few moments later he came back with a coin and unlocked it from the outside. I was then threatened with punishments unless I moved my bed. I was scared so I eventually moved it aside and he came into my room. I was yelled at for another ten minutes in my room because I had shown anger by slamming the outside door to the house when I came back inside. Then I was given a punishment anyway. My mother and brother were not at the house when this was happening, and I grew up on a rural farm so no family, friends, neighbors, or passerby's could intervene. This all happened when I was thirteen years old, so I wasn't old enough to stand my ground. It was probably shortly after this that I started to become rebellious. My mother never really talked to me about what happened, and my father justified everything the next day by saying that he had a bad day at work. This is just one example of the experiences I went through growing up, and they've made me a bit emotionally disturbed. this post is already much longer than I wanted. I'll probably just save other shit for my therapist.

God I'm having a really fucking bad night and I keep thinking about cutting and it's driving me insane

Every time i am at school alone random people just come to talk to me i just want to play whit my phone

Well my day was right fucked. Been at least a couple of weeks since I last had a suicidal thought but I definitely felt it tonight. I honestly can't tell if my life's getting better or worse. I like to think it's gotten better but I feel like it rebounds either way so often and out of the blue that I'm just not sure. Every week, every day, hell sometimes even within the hour something happens that either throws my good mood out of whack or brings me out of a fit of depression. In the last week alone I've both managed to actually make a couple of friends for a change, and just a couple of hours ago I learned that I have a very real possibility of failing a class I had a 95% in just a week ago. I don't know what to think of everything going on. I feel like being stuck in the middle can be worse than straight being on either side, just a little bit of stability would be nice.

[QUOTE=RasmusG5;51460461]Every time i am at school alone random people just come to talk to me i just want to play whit my phone[/QUOTE] Well be glad about that. It's a good sign, nobody wanted to talk to me when i was at school. I'm 26 now. I didn't care back then though. Still don't.

I haven't left my room in 3 days. God damnit. [editline]2nd December 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=racerfan;51460900]Well my day was right fucked. Been at least a couple of weeks since I last had a suicidal thought but I definitely felt it tonight. I honestly can't tell if my life's getting better or worse. I like to think it's gotten better but I feel like it rebounds either way so often and out of the blue that I'm just not sure. Every week, every day, hell sometimes even within the hour something happens that either throws my good mood out of whack or brings me out of a fit of depression. In the last week alone I've both managed to actually make a couple of friends for a change, and just a couple of hours ago I learned that I have a very real possibility of failing a class I had a 95% in just a week ago. I don't know what to think of everything going on. I feel like being stuck in the middle can be worse than straight being on either side, just a little bit of stability would be nice.[/QUOTE] I drastically change moods. Sunday I was extremely motivated to better my life, cleaned my entire dorm room and prepared for the week; by wednesday I was skipping class.

[QUOTE=iggy650;51464616]I haven't left my room in 3 days. God damnit.[/QUOTE] 22 days here, but did open the door to let the cat in/out. How does it feel so far? It's like my eyes are pushing backwards and I am walking around to every corner, and then realizes "what am I doing here..", then I do it again. Sit down at the PC, stand up and talk to myself and realize once again "what am I doing, no one's here.."

Been listening to "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." [QUOTE]"Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people's needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others."[/QUOTE] Would recommend to read or listen to, has an audio form on audible.

The more I think of my life growing up and how negligent my parents were the more depressed and angry I get. Side note, fluoxetine causes mood swings. Not fun.

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my life is starting to turn around and get better now that i got someone in my life. i dont know what i would do without her

[QUOTE=OrkO;51471520]I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. It was a rough breakup. I loved her so fucking much but she betrayed me. I don't even know what to do right now. I just want to die. Fuck me, this is the worst I've ever felt.[/QUOTE] I know exactly how you feel. I can't speak for any experience other than my own, but I can say, it takes time, but (at least in my case) while it may not get better for a long time, you will start to cope with it better in time. That's not to say it's going to be easy, even a year plus onwards I still slip into a pit on a daily basis, where everything is as raw and as painful as the day it happens, you just have to power through, and try and keep going, which, believe me I know isn't easy, it got so bad that if it weren't for a dodgy cable, I wouldn't be here, but you've got to power on, focus on things and people around you. The one thing you have to watch out for, when you love someone and they betray you, with little to no culpability on your part, and, perhaps, you don't stop loving them, is the feelings of self guilt that will arise. Like "why didn't I do x" or "why wasn't I better" or "why did i let x happen" etc ect, you have to clamp down on those immediately because they will tear you the fuck up, and it's fucking horrible, knowing that it wasn't an act on your part, but feeling guilty for it, you have to clamp down on those feelings if they arise as soon as possible. Also, it's really fucking hard to shake if you do still care about them, because for them it's ended, they'ved moved on, you perhaps, haven't, and its hard to move on when theres no definitive thing on your part and when you still care. Even a year on I'm a confused mess of love and hate and all sorts of other things, and it's a struggle. Some days it's easier, other days it's just as hard, if not worse than the actual day. I hope you find your way out of it much easier than I have so far. I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad, or worry that its going to take ages, just letting you know that it might be a long sturggle thats often hard to see the end of.

I'm finally starting to get help for my depression. Told my mom I needed help and shes setting up a doctor's appointment. Just got tired of the lack of motivation, the sleepless nights, the low energy, the lack of interest in my hobbies, the mood swings, the irritability, the starving myself when I was depressed and my binge eating till I was sick when I was anxious.

Remember how I said I am thinking of quitting my job? Well I might be on the verge of losing it anyway! This has not been good for my mental state. I dont think I can handle this sort of situation in my current state. So I might be panicking on the inside.

If failure isn't a bad thing, then why do I always feel like shit afterwards?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51479017]If failure isn't a bad thing, then why do I always feel like shit afterwards?[/QUOTE] It's a normal human emotion to feel bad afterwards. The important thing though is to take that emotion, say to yourself "I will learn from this", and then apply what you learned from that failure into improving and doing better the next time.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51479299]It's a normal human emotion to feel bad afterwards. The important thing though is to take that emotion, say to yourself "I will learn from this", and then apply what you learned from that failure into improving and doing better the next time.[/QUOTE] But what if I keep failing even though I try my fucking hardest not to repeat it and keep failing? I had many chances to have people look at me as a normal, nice, human being, just like every other people. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much chances I get, I always fuck up no matter what, and it's always like that with EVERY FUCKING THING I try to do in life. They look at me and think "Eww what a fucking creep" Nobody likes me and look at me as another human. They laugh at me because I'm not the nice, funny guy that makes jokes, I'm the fucking joke itself, and I'll never be more than that. Also, once again have my existence, stupidity, and lack of ability to do anything brought disadvantage to some people... I can't afford to get help too.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51479299]It's a normal human emotion to feel bad afterwards. The important thing though is to take that emotion, say to yourself "I will learn from this", and then apply what you learned from that failure into improving and doing better the next time.[/QUOTE]If I could find a way to block that emotion I'd probably achieve more. It's those sort of emotions I hate, I mean you just know someone is making fun you when you fail and they make fun of you because they know something you don't but refuse to explain what it is.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51479454]If I could find a way to block that emotion I'd probably achieve more. It's those sort of emotions I hate, I mean you just know someone is making fun you when you fail and they make fun of you because they know something you don't but refuse to explain what it is.[/QUOTE] How do you know someone is making fun of you when you fail? Did this happen to you?

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51479608]How do you know someone is making fun of you when you fail? Did this happen to you?[/QUOTE]12 years of internet forums and online gaming. Whenever I say something wrong, fail or demonstrate less skill than the community I get hassled for it.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51479628]12 years of internet forums and online gaming.[/QUOTE] Internet people can be right cunts but they don't know you nor your struggles. If they're not your friends, their opinions matter not. And if your friends mock you for failing, then they're not friends, they're assholes. ... I do realise that is incredibly easy to say however. I myself am sometimes affected by people being asshats to me on the internet. What you must realise however is that you owe them little and it is more important what those who are close to you think, and even more importantly what you yourself think.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51479651]Internet people can be right cunts but they don't know you nor your struggles. If they're not your friends, their opinions matter not. And if your friends mock you for failing, then they're not friends, they're assholes. ... I do realise that is incredibly easy to say however. I myself am sometimes affected by people being asshats to me on the internet. What you must realise however is that you owe them little and it is more important what those who are close to you think, and even more importantly what you yourself think.[/QUOTE]It's left me with this consistent background thought that I need to be the best at everything all the time and if don't measure up, a situation will jump and attack me, eg if I don't learn to fight, I'll get beaten up when I least expect it, if I don't learn to hack, someone will phish my credit cards and steam account, if I lose every argument it means I'm not intelligent enough to pursue my goals in the related topic. I keep thinking the people that are attacking me have some sort of superiority, something they had that they have that I don't. And it drives me mental 24/7, I just feel like if something takes too much practice than everyone else I'll be inferior. I'm always getting jealous of people who are naturally good things I'm interested in. It's driving me mental, if I don't have 99% control of my surroundings, I'll lose it. I just assume that everyone has 99% control over their lives or at least has the internal ability to manipulate things to their advantage.