Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51479730]It's left me with this consistent background thought that I need to be the best at everything all the time and if don't measure up, a situation will jump and attack me, eg if I don't learn to fight, I'll get beaten up when I least expect it, if I don't learn to hack, someone will phish my credit cards and steam account, if I lose every argument it means I'm not intelligent enough to pursue my goals in the related topic. I keep thinking the people that are attacking me have some sort of superiority, something they had that they have that I don't. And it drives me mental 24/7, I just feel like if something takes too much practice than everyone else I'll be inferior. I'm always getting jealous of people who are naturally good things I'm interested in. It's driving me mental, if I don't have 99% control of my surroundings, I'll lose it. I just assume that everyone has 99% control over their lives or at least has the internal ability to manipulate things to their advantage.[/QUOTE] That sounds like issues I've dealt with before. It possibly could be OCD - but I'm no psychiatrist. Nor have my issues gone away. You need to clear your thoughts. Have you tried meditation or other relaxation techniques?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51479017]If failure isn't a bad thing, then why do I always feel like shit afterwards?[/QUOTE] I know it's easier said than done, but try and look for at least one positive thing that has happened everyday. Even if it's just the littlest things in life; they soon add up to the big things.

[QUOTE=racerfan;51460900]...I learned that I have a very real possibility of failing a class I had a 95% in just a week ago.[/QUOTE] Well, that's almost set in stone. I've just as good as failed it. My only saving grace now is to get at least a 75% on the final retake, which with how I did on the last exam is going to be real fucking difficult and since I may have had 3 unexcused absences from sickness she may have the right to just fail me right fucking there. It's not like I'm a bad student, either. The entire reason I'm failing the class is because of her retarded late policy, in which she will not accept any late work for any reason and automatically fail it. I was swamped with other assignments last week and admittedly forgot about the policy, so I got a couple of assignments in late and now they're hurting my grade whole horribly. I'll own up to being late and it's reasonable that I be penalized for it, but to completely fail the assignment? That's just pure fucking lunacy. Every other assignment up to that point I'd gotten an A on, but those 2 zeros now have me at a 65%. I went to talk to my instructor earlier today to see if there was anything I could do, and not only did she refuse to work with me she also spent half of our meeting talking about how she was being far more lenient than any of the other professors in the class. Yeah, an immediate fail for being ever so slightly late in a freshman level class is real fucking lenient. Fuck you. I'm going to have fun with your class evaluation. I was in a real good mood until today, now I feel like my mental state has rebounded back to what it was before I started taking therapy here. I can feel the suicidal thoughts coming back. I did a shit job with my grades for most of high school, and I really thought I'd managed to recover from that here since I've had good grades in every other class so far. For most of my life I've felt like my grades are all I have. When those go, what's the point? I've failed a class once by my instructor's own incompetence in high school, and that itself was bad enough. I can only imagine how bad it'll be here. I can't afford to do this charade again. I just can't.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51480030]That sounds like issues I've dealt with before. It possibly could be OCD - but I'm no psychiatrist. Nor have my issues gone away. You need to clear your thoughts. Have you tried meditation or other relaxation techniques?[/QUOTE]I never thought that I was OCD, borderline asperges according to the therapist, but never OCD.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51484091]I never thought that I was OCD, borderline asperges according to the therapist, but never OCD.[/QUOTE] Tourette, asperger and OCD here. My psychologists told me that if a child had any of those they could very likely develop the others in the future.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51484716]Tourette, asperger and OCD here. My psychologists told me that if a child had any of those they could very likely develop the others in the future.[/QUOTE]Do you seem to have a paranoid thought that there could be a subtext to a situation you were unaware of, eg you think every one is speaking frankly the entire time? That something that happens to me a fair bit.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51484742]Do you seem to have a paranoid that there could be a subtext to a situation you were unaware of, eg you think every one is speaking frankly the entire time? That something that happens to me a fair bit.[/QUOTE] All the time. - If someone makes a joke of me doing something, I believe they're asking me to do it. I'm not even questioning it, it just feels to be in granted that it's a common thing people do, and I don't understand common things; so I do what they tell me to do. - And everytime I have a conversation, I read "between the lines", even though there are none, as if there was a deeper meaning. This way I missintepret even the most simple sentences, and do simple instructions wrong. The same thing comes to reading. Even though I can read better than most people I know, I still have to redo it over and over again to "confirm its meaning": overthinking > missintepreting. Or maybe I've completely misunderstood your question, and you meant that I believe people speaks 100% literally and they mean it to a 100%, then yes I do.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51484771]All the time. - If someone makes a joke of me doing something, I believe they're asking me to do it. I'm not even questioning it, it just feels to be in granted that it's a common thing people do, and I don't understand common things; so I do what they tell me to do. - And everytime I have a conversation, I read "between the lines", even though there are none, as if there was a deeper meaning. This way I missintepret even the most simple sentences, and do simple instructions wrong. The same thing comes to reading. Even though I can read better than most people I know, I still have to redo it over and over again to "confirm its meaning": overthinking > missintepreting.[/QUOTE]How do you deal with it? I get into arguments, get anxious and depressed. It just makes me really mad. [QUOTE=The bird Man;51484771]Or maybe I've completely misunderstood your question, and you meant that I believe people speaks 100% literally and they mean it to a 100%, then yes I do. [/QUOTE] No that's pretty much what I was asking.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51484809]How do you deal with it? I get into arguments, get anxious and depressed. It just makes me really mad. No that's pretty much what asking.[/QUOTE] [B][U][I]WA[/I]LL[/U] [I][U]OF[/U][/I] [U]TEXT[/U] [I][U]BABY[/U][/I][/B] Over 20 years of social experienced adaptation (now 25 and I still learn). Still lots of issues, but there's ways to minimize it. Being an asperger (or 'aspie') means that we follow rules/guidelines/routines and are very formal, kind of like robots when it comes to social situations. We live by some rules we or our caretakers/supervisors/psychologists advise us, to 'sort of' function in society. Before you read you must know that people with Asperger syndrome can speak and use body language while communicating with others. The problem is that all these stuff are combined and connected by emotional factors, and therefore can not be understood or used naturally, and yes we do have feelings, we just don't always show it. Now this is a very messy guide, because it's personnaly made for my needs, and could be somewhat extreme. ... [B]Here's a list of my methods in social situations in general:[/B] - If you have a job, tell your boss about your needs, ex: [I]"If you want me to complete an assignment, please state a frank, and well specified description, or else there could be misinterpretation. This is a medical condition I have and this is required for me in order to succeed with my job as good as possible"[/I]; if they ask for a medical clarification, well give it to them if possible. If they still don't respect this, they are actually breaking the law (if you have a valid diagnosis) - At least in Sweden - Make a quick response [I]"Could you elaborate?"[/I], because other responses could lead to a negative reaction from others: ex [I]"Is he stupid or something?"[/I]. Which we're not. We may be 'autistic' (there's several levels of autism), and if it's a low-functional autism it means the person lack social functions, but they could become experts in other topics very easily. It's called 'Special interests', and we think different from others and that's why job providers in America and a few other nations hire these people. When I said that "we think different from others", it falls in the category of 'Asperger syndrome: 50-50', because it has a negative side and a positive side. Yes, we can provide other inputs and solutions to a problem, but it's very easy to be misunderstood. Lots of people have been angry at me and even abused me physically thanks to it, just because they thought I said something that I didn't meant to say, because I explained it poorly ...That's why I think extra carefully what I say, and sometimes I don't say anything at all and let the others do it - Problems will always exist, and we need time to adapt to new surroundings and situations, and that's why it's a good thing to let at least some people (those you know best) to know about your issues. Because if you stand there and it's all fucked, there will be some that understand your situation. Some of them are even so kind to help you. If you have a valid diagnosis, your school/workplace must provide for your needs. In Sweden my workplace gets a money bonus for letting me work there, simply because they support disabled people. It may not be seen as a disability, because it's an invisible prison with invisible brain handcuffs, that functions differently, but yet has the same amount of disability (depends one each individuals severity) - We can have meltdowns when there's too much emotional distress in the environment; lots of stuff happening, lots of noise and people. We lose control over ourselves because we can not absorb that amount of information at once. People with aspergers sees details others don't, and that means there's overwhelming amount of thoughts in our brain everyday, which makes us tired the first school/work day. Some cope with medication, meditation, and me personally has found an inner room in my head that I hide in. It lets me shut out all information and nobody can reach me, because I can't even hear them. It's like meditation with the eyes open. Me and those who use this method (which is difficult to learn), call it 'the reboot'. We're in an idle-sleep and starts fresh after a while - Never pick an argumentative side, and always be in a neutral position with an open mind to all opinions - yes, this is a personal sacrifice, but lets say it's our 'Special interest' we could slaughter anyone in the argument; if the asperger can hold an acceptable conversation - all aspergers are different but still has similar grounds [QUOTE][...] autistic spectrum disorder, is a lifelong disability which affects people in many different ways.[/QUOTE] - My entire social profile characterization are borrowed from movies. I watch 1-3 movies everyday and I haven't broken that routine in four years. I analyze the characters body movements, their behavior and social formulas, and use it as my own with a small amount of improvisation. Problem is, it becomes melodramatic in your own voice. Even though it's mainly for improving your social behavior in speech, it could also let you understand 'how people react in different situations', or the non-understandable frank/literally sentences. Ex: [I]"Haha fuck off, you're fucking killing me hahaha.."[/I], you may translate it to [I]"You fucking suck, go kill yourself and stop hurting others' feelings"[/I]. But thanks to the movie you now understand that it's a joke, thanks to the movies characters reaction(s). The same thing goes with speeches during TEDx/TEDtalks. Learn from other great examples. I always got the highest grades during my oral presentations in school, even though it was my first times and I was scared shitless, and it went even better during job interviews. So why this 'extreme' method? It's because aspergers tend to overthink and read everything they can if there's an issue. Lets say your teacher tells you to write a short one A4 page about the military in World War 2, we give them bloody twenty pages that includes schematics and how many screws each tank use - Accept people no matter who they are, sooner or later they'll return with the same response (mostly) - You may also be a perfectionist - Speak slowly, we tend to be hyperactive, so calm down - If you have issues with speaking very formal (doesn't sound neutral, and kind of 'intelligent wannabe try hard'), try speaking online with a typical 'guy talking style' with lots of swearing and ranting. Eventually it will flow naturally in social conversation, because you've accepted your voice to be free among others - end the safe zone. Just don't let it go overboard, because it all depends on whom you speak to; family, friend, stranger - The sad truth. It will always be difficult, and never be fixed completely because it can not be cured as it's fundamentally installed during birth. Even though it may be scary, we must face our problems in society, because the only way to improve or develop new strategies and abilities, and to raise the personal ribbon, we must face our shadow and tell it to fuck off. Learn from yours and others mistakes [URL]http://wrongplanet.net/phrases-and-questions-likely-to-confuse-people-with-aspergers/[/URL] [QUOTE][I]“Who do you think you are?”[/I] — Ask an aspie this question, and you’re likely to simply be given his or her name, in response. Apparently, this offends some people [...] my first guess would be that the questioner simply forgot my name, and needs a reminder. [B]The meaning of volume, voice tone, and body language are mysteries to us. Sometimes we can figure out these mysteries, but it doesn’t happen automatically — we have to reason our way through it, and that takes time, especially for nuances of communication which are based on emotions.[/B][/QUOTE]

Man the hygiene anxiety is coming back full force. Washed my hands like 25 times today, i expect my hands to be dry and starting bleeding in two days max.

[QUOTE=Drk;51485479]Man the hygiene anxiety is coming back full force. Washed my hands like 25 times today, i expect my hands to be dry and starting bleeding in two days max.[/QUOTE] Same here, I can't even drive anymore :v:

Talked about stuff with people I lived woth, and I realize how... Judgemental they are. I'm getting a degree for music, and they are like; "I'll come fre eto your gig, I'm your friend. I don't need to pay for music or Spotify" and so on... How am I supposed to live? I'll not have enough money fir a fucking cigarette when I die in a practice room because no one would pay me. Doing it for the experience... I wish they understood that some people don't really choose what they wanna work with. I could be a salesman at like some store, but... In terms if degrees, it's sad when the obly thing you care and understand is music. I woukd have become a doctor if I wasn't stupid... Also, I most likely have something similar to prosopamnesia, because I realize I'm having trouble recognizing people as of late. And I don't really know why... I just forget people, can't remember who they are, and issues remembering ehi they are and how we met... I'm crying now... I have to get up in 5 hours.... What am I doing with my life even...

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51485154][B][U][I]WA[/I]LL[/U] [I][U]OF[/U][/I] [U]TEXT[/U] [I][U]BABY[/U][/I][/B] Over 20 years of social experienced adaptation.........Learn from yours and others mistakes[/QUOTE]It's really good of you to explain your experiences in detail. On top of my milder asperges I also have a bit of dyslexia and a short temper. I know you everyone else has told me that this stuff is ingrained in who I am, but I keep holding on to the thought that one day I'll mature out of this and I'll finally understand the world better weather not it's true. I keep thinking I'll reach an age where I'll understand the subtext I may even be able to win an argument. Like the thought that perhaps one day the world will be the way I want it to. But that's not how it works and the more the world doesn't seem the way I want it to, the more I hate myself and reject my surroundings. For me it feels like every community I've tried to be apart of has gone, "sorry buddy, you don't really belong here, go trawl the internet for somewhere else and remember to be yourself and happy and other hipster bullshit". And by that point I'm thinking; "should I just stop trying to have a conversion and only talk to people to grain information?"

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51464662]22 days here, but did open the door to let the cat in/out. How does it feel so far? It's like my eyes are pushing backwards and I am walking around to every corner, and then realizes "what am I doing here..", then I do it again. Sit down at the PC, stand up and talk to myself and realize once again "what am I doing, no one's here.."[/QUOTE] Is it weird to talk to yourself? I am doing this all the time. This help me greatly to concentrate to different task I have. I mostly go back and forth when I am thinking great ideas I have for an concept it could work for a game or movie.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51491842]Is it weird to talk to yourself? I am doing this all the time. This help me greatly to concentrate to different task I have. I mostly go back and forth when I am thinking great ideas I have for an concept it could work for a game or movie.[/QUOTE] Also very common with aspies. Of course everyone talks to themselves, but we do it more. Myself do it around 1-2 hours a day, and sometimes as if I were talking to other people.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51491869]Also very common with aspies. Of course everyone talks to themselves, but we do it more. Myself do it around 1-2 hours a day, and sometimes as if I were talking to other people.[/QUOTE] Well, I mostly talk like this when I have work to do and I have a lot of pressure to my head. Also I communicate fairly fine with other people.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51491887]Well, I mostly talk like this when I have work to do and I have a lot of pressure to my head. Also I communicate fairly fine with other people.[/QUOTE] I talk to myself when solving any sort of problem, so it's probably normal. Also because my house is really quiet and the silence makes me feel really anxious.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51491978]I talk to myself when solving any sort of problem, so it's probably normal. Also because my house is really quiet and the silence makes me feel really anxious.[/QUOTE] Nah, I am talking like this even if there are people around me. Also my mother doing this all the time, so it is normal for my family. So I don't have a fear if they hear me talking like this.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51491087]It's really good of you to explain your experiences in detail. On top of my milder asperges I also have a bit of dyslexia and a short temper. I know you everyone else has told me that this stuff is ingrained in who I am, but I keep holding on to the thought that one day I'll mature out of this and I'll finally understand the world better weather not it's true. I keep thinking I'll reach an age where I'll understand the subtext I may even be able to win an argument. Like the thought that perhaps one day the world will be the way I want it to. But that's not how it works and the more the world doesn't seem the way I want it to, the more I hate myself and reject my surroundings. For me it feels like every community I've tried to be apart of has gone, "sorry buddy, you don't really belong here, go trawl the internet for somewhere else and remember to be yourself and happy and other hipster bullshit". And by that point I'm thinking; "should I just stop trying to have a conversion and only talk to people to grain information?"[/QUOTE] I have a severe type of asperger, I even have an assistant that helps me with daily stuff. The only way that helped me be able to cope with all this, was to start an obsession ('Special interest') for human -individual behavior out of emergent deterministic social structures, and the relations of each individuals to the physical environment. I have experimented for so long that I can act several types of personalities. I can so easily alter my personality to fit the current situation because I know how humans react towards certain stigmas. I don't act them naturally, I act from what I've learned, and pre-plan beforehand so it goes perfectly (hopefully). What I'm saying is that I don't live a 'double-life', because instead I live a 'double-double-life'. None of my characterizations are originally from me, so theoretically no one in my family actually knows me after I turned seventeen. Short explanation: I must work as a daily actor everyday I walk out; hence my previous post of melodrama and borrowing of movie content. This is why I haven't had any friends so far because doing this 24/7 is a death sentence when it comes to mental capacity. People have tried but I've just not been able to handle it, even though we were great friends. I skip birthdays, and most christmas celebrations. I'm currently studying sociology with the focus of criminology, to put my lives knowledge into a profession that could help society, so my hard work and pain won't go to waste. All this may sound weird and extreme to the common ears, but that's what happens when you're put in a desperate position that not many people fall into, and when they do they usually go their own way to deal with it. I used my obsessions to my advantage. Of course this has a negative aspect: increased nihilistic behavior, sociopathic patterns and destructive anti-social features such as manipulative compulses, and lying, depression for not being yourself while being with other people. But the positive sides outweigh it so I'm happy with it. Yes, ingrained it is. But it's good it wont let it stop you, because we get better and better by age. Either we use methods to function properly by basics and few specializations or we simply get better at hiding it. But they say as if it were supposed to be easy, and it's not, and they'll never understand that; because it's different to see a wheelchaired person, than a guy with a neurological disorder. From their point-of-view it's understandable that they don't understand how it works, because they've never been there, and society as a whole has barely any experience in the world of psychology and psychiatry. I'm a member of the swedish Pirate Party, and fell into an argument with my old film school teacher during my time at college, talking about piracy. I couldn't say a word because he kept talking and talking, and it made me very sick for months because I was frozen. The day after he lent all the students an article about why piracy was wrong, and it contained 6-10 year old outdated studies that has been proven false, and they all believed it. I thought this was disgusting because schools are supposed to stand on a neutral democratic position. The 3rd year I stood up to myself and forced my voice over his, and I managed to over talk him, and told me "Fine, you can have the entire class next week to talk about this" with an angry voice. I gave them a fucking two ours speech about piracy's cons & pros. It was so beautiful they offered me to hold a presentation at 'Film i Väst' (swedish film company') that had connections with the school. Of course I turned it down because you know why. Instead I contribute to the political party digitally, through text and voice communication. I tried to join a ping-pong community, but my Tourette made it difficult, even though I love ping-pong a lot. So my stepbrothers let me try out airsoft, and I've played it for approx seven years now. It's great for me: physical activity, social interaction through teamwork and actions of formations. We got good at it and started entering competitive tournaments, first I thought it was going to be horrible for me, but than I remembered that I could use my mask and be completely anonymous with my own custom alias. I never browse Reddit but I did find the Asperger board to be real nice. Lots of people that think like us, and gives advice from all age groups: [URL]https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/[/URL] [QUOTE=SweetShark;51491887]Well, I mostly talk like this when I have work to do and I have a lot of pressure to my head. Also I communicate fairly fine with other people.[/QUOTE] Of course everyone talks to themselves, but we do it more. Some occasions I do it in the public when I'm really stressed and frustrated. We usually come up with weird and indifferent thoughts (outside-the-box way), ex: [I]"I wonder if sea sickness is all about human survival instinct because our body tells us we may have been poisoned, so we must throw up?[/I]". Ideas pop-up all the time, even unwanted thoughts which is a major symptom of OCD; such as sexual taboos, violent fantasies, etc. even though we don't like them. We can't stop them because they're unpredictable. Our thought process is complex and is flooding with content, and we must memorize through visual simulated contexts, or else we'd go mad and fall into a meltdown. Talking to yourself puts you in a position of alter-ego dominance: [I]"I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, do this and it's all going to alright, just remember these small details"[/I]. We're good at bringing ideas, problem is that they're usually pretty crazy and in the long-run won't have enough strings to support it; but don't let that stop you, we're known for our creative minds!

went to a "applying for housing" course. not sure what I should call it in english but it's pretty much just a course that tells you the do's and don't's when searching for a home to rent. I don't feel like I learned too much, definitely some useful information, but this part is kind of irrelevant. reason I'm posting this is because it made me feel really good to actually do this. I haven't been looking forward to this at all since I was scared it'd be really uncomfortable to sit alone with so many people I don't know in a "classroom" scenario. but it was okay. one of the two people who meet me every week / twice a week to talk drove me there (probably wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for that). when we got to the area I felt the anxiety kicking in real strong. thoughts like "if this continues to go up like this I might end up having a panic attack during the course, shit shit shit" appeared fast but I turned them down and tried to think happy thoughts which helped. we parked and she asked if I was able to walk in alone and I simply told her that I was "locking" up from anxiety and needed some help so she followed me in. we were a little late which made it all so much worse. I hate coming late since that means I'll get the entire rooms attention when I walk in the door. I managed to deal with it good enough luckily and the entire thing went okay as soon as I settled in. it was really uncomfortable and I was happy to finally leave once the hour had passed, but that feeling once I got out was so nice. "pred, you did it! you did something you didn't want to, something that was scary, and you nailed it! good jooob!" it's the small things like these that gives me hope for the future [editline]7th December 2016[/editline] I feel like I am learning more and more about myself. while I feel like I've always known that you need to take small steps to get better at anything, I've always been a guy to take it to the extreme despite knowing that won't work. experiences like these tho really help shape that thought process into a more healthy one where I instead take smaller steps that actually work.

This post isn't about me. It's about a very good friend of mine who's suffering from SAD, and it's kinda worrying me a bit and I could need some advice. As i just mentioned, my friend is suffering from SAD, which is considered a seasonal depression. He gets depressed from the winter, because its cold and dark. I have no idea if I'm being a burden for him by asking him how hes doing and all that, so I wanna ask. What should I do in situations like these? Should I keep chatting with him or should I leave him alone and give him space? One part of me wants to chat with him almost everyday because he means a lot to me. He's like a brother of mine. I'd assume the more i chat with him, the more he thinks I care for him. Although the other part of me believes that this just annoys him and just wants to be alone. He's not a friend I met IRL, so I cannot judge how he's feeling or what he's doing.

You have to figure out what he's more comfortable with. Some people seek attention during seasonal depression and other people withdraw. If he seems to respond well to being contacted, then I'd keep going with that. Maybe don't talk to him EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY but a check-up here and there can go a long way. Just be sure that every time you contact him, you're not asking "how are you feeling?" I know I personally can't stand when someone can't act more or less normal with me when I'm not feeling good. I don't want people to keep asking me how I'm feeling. I just wanna chat. If he doesn't seem to be responding too much to you talking to him, I'd still say to stay in contact, just less frequently. Sometimes just being around to talk to helps. Sometimes he may feel more like talking to you than other times. It just depends. You have to try to gauge how they're feeling. It's difficult but not impossible.

Had to go the work bathroom today. Someone vomited in the sink. I could smell it and see some remnants of it. Of course i discovered it way too late when i started to clean my hands in the said sink (since it cleaned it, not fully though). Needless to say i'm anxious since then. I'm afraid i caught a disease with this shit.

I just want to sit in a dark corner right now. I feel like everything im trying to accomplish will never be great, everything i do is a fucking failure...i feel im am not makng my art good enough. I feel like I can't never make an SFM vid, no matter how many times i try to start one, it just falls apart and turns into another failed attempt of something i want to create. I have a mother who probably hates me, i literally have no one to talk to right now. If i even talk to them, they won't even care. I just want to crawl into that dark corner, lean my head against the wall, and shut my eyes. I want to shut my eyes forever. I feel i would find peace in darkness and nothingness instead of living a life of constant failure and fuck ups. I don't know if im thinking of suicide but i can't stop crying and i feel horrid right now. I need help or something...

If anyone bothers to hear 51 minutes of me speaking bad english with my terrible voice, here's the full story about my backstabbing friend who my boss helped kick out a few week ago: [video=youtube;bwLNOEorsUI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwLNOEorsUI[/video] Awkward as shit as I have social anxiety, but it's completely unedited. I don't even know how to edit shit like this.

[QUOTE=Ldesu;51495103]If anyone ... like this.[/QUOTE] video is private

[QUOTE=Catscratch;51496001]video is private[/QUOTE] God dammit, youtube put it as private even though I put it as unlisted. Should be fixed now

Okay, maybe I just think too much, but sometimes it kinda bugs me or, well, it makes me wonder why people are so quickly to punish or heavily judge someone based on their behavior, and never ask or try to think why the person they're judging behaves that way. "He doesn't do anything because he is lazy!" Well, but, have you ever wondered why they are being lazy? I don't think someone who failed three courses and never wanted to study and suffers consequences for it, says "I like being lazy and I like being fucked hard for it". I believe there is a reason behind why they don't want to do anything in first place. Not doing anything is being lazy, but there has to be a reason or something that drove that person to not do anything in first place. My family always calls me out for being violent, aggressive or having issues at times, then they sometimes call me out for going to therapy. I've heard them saying stuff like "Some people go to therapy all their lives and never get fixed, ya know?" "I feel like you're becoming too depend on your therapist. It seems like you have to go to therapy every time you feel bad" (Note that I go to therapy two times per month, sometimes I only go ONCE per month) They never question the origin of my behavior, they just pin it all on my personality and not in the circumstances I have to put up with. "He cannot handle tough love because he is a special snowflake who cannot deal with the real world". They say something like this every time I complain about them mocking me frequently or constantly calling me names when I've had enough. It's easy to call the person weak, but treating someone bad, repeatedly, over and over, is hard to notice when you're the source of their problem. There is also a very toxic attitude where people think "My problems are harder than yours and I deal with them, why can't you?" and then they proceed to call out people for being weak every time they cannot deal with their personal issues. People think like this as if every person was the same as them and they could all embrace and deal with the same issues in the same way they do. I don't know if I'm wrong for thinking that way. When I was a kid I used to think that the bullies at school were mean because they just were all assholes and were uncapable of having emotions or bond with others... It wasn't until one day I was crying because my parents hit me at home, when one of the "bullies" sat next to me and began comforting me, later I found out the same bullies came from violent homes where their parents or tutors would hit them too, sometimes in worse ways and for no reason. That's when I realized that sometimes people behave in a certain way because of their circumstances and not just because that's "just their personality", like the majority of people say. I'm 100% sure, in almost every occasion I've threatened someone or acted violent after being harassed or threatened by my family. My therapist said something among the lines of: "It's wrong to behave that way, but I can understand why you did it". She just doesn't tell me "you did that because you're violent and crazy" she told me "You acted violent because the situation drove you to do that. It's not a right behavior, but it's expected when you deal with something like that"

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;51497843]Okay, maybe I just think too much, but sometimes it kinda bugs me or, well, it makes me wonder why people are so quickly to punish or heavily judge someone based on their behavior, and never ask or try to think why the person they're judging behaves that way. "He doesn't do anything because he is lazy!" Well, but, have you ever wondered why they are being lazy? I don't think someone who failed three courses and never wanted to study and suffers consequences for it, says "I like being lazy and I like being fucked hard for it". I believe there is a reason behind why they don't want to do anything in first place. Not doing anything is being lazy, but there has to be a reason or something that drove that person to not do anything in first place. My family always calls me out for being violent, aggressive or having issues at times, then they sometimes call me out for going to therapy. I've heard them saying stuff like "Some people go to therapy all their lives and never get fixed, ya know?" "I feel like you're becoming too depend on your therapist. It seems like you have to go to therapy every time you feel bad" (Note that I go to therapy two times per month, sometimes I only go ONCE per month) They never question the origin of my behavior, they just pin it all on my personality and not in the circumstances I have to put up with. "He cannot handle tough love because he is a special snowflake who cannot deal with the real world". They say something like this every time I complain about them mocking me frequently or constantly calling me names when I've had enough. It's easy to call the person weak, but treating someone bad, repeatedly, over and over, is hard to notice when you're the source of their problem. There is also a very toxic attitude where people think "My problems are harder than yours and I deal with them, why can't you?" and then they proceed to call out people for being weak every time they cannot deal with their personal issues. People think like this as if every person was the same as them and they could all embrace and deal with the same issues in the same way they do. I don't know if I'm wrong for thinking that way. When I was a kid I used to think that the bullies at school were mean because they just were all assholes and were uncapable of having emotions or bond with others... It wasn't until one day I was crying because my parents hit me at home, when one of the "bullies" sat next to me and began comforting me, later I found out the same bullies came from violent homes where their parents or tutors would hit them too, sometimes in worse ways and for no reason. That's when I realized that sometimes people behave in a certain way because of their circumstances and not just because that's "just their personality", like the majority of people say. I'm 100% sure, in almost every occasion I've threatened someone or acted violent after being harassed or threatened by my family. My therapist said something among the lines of: "It's wrong to behave that way, but I can understand why you did it". She just doesn't tell me "you did that because you're violent and crazy" she told me "You acted violent because the situation drove you to do that. It's not a right behavior, but it's expected when you deal with something like that"[/QUOTE] Well, whats the root cause of your problems then? You talk about people calling you out for your attitude and that they don't care why you are the way you are, but it seems you blame your surroundings/circumstances for what happens to you. Maybe there's something wrong with you that makes them treat you the way they do.

[QUOTE=Commander Fan;51498781]Well, whats the root cause of your problems then? You talk about people calling you out for your attitude and that they don't care why you are the way you are, but it seems you blame your surroundings/circumstances for what happens to you. Maybe there's something wrong with you that makes them treat you the way they do.[/QUOTE] Well, it sounds like his family is the problem. He mentioned that they hit him in the past and degrade him constantly. I don't know how old you are Nikolai but if you're under 16 you might want to give the DIF or CAVI a call. Better to live in a foster home for a few years then deal with an abusive household IMO.