Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Going through kind of an emotional downswing the last few days. Still trying to spend time with my boyfriend but I feel like if I wanna take more days to myself, using my depression is kind of a flimsy excuse especially because he's generally so supportive. I'm probably over inflating the issue and he'd probably be just fine with me taking time for myself but I can't help but feeling guilty anyway. Hate that.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;51497843]I don't know if I'm wrong for thinking that way. When I was a kid I used to think that the bullies at school were mean because they just were all assholes and were uncapable of having emotions or bond with others... It wasn't until one day I was crying because my parents hit me at home, when one of the "bullies" sat next to me and began comforting me, later I found out the same bullies came from violent homes where their parents or tutors would hit them too, sometimes in worse ways and for no reason. That's when I realized that sometimes people behave in a certain way because of their circumstances and not just because that's "just their personality", like the majority of people say. I'm 100% sure, in almost every occasion I've threatened someone or acted violent after being harassed or threatened by my family. My therapist said something among the lines of: "It's wrong to behave that way, but I can understand why you did it". She just doesn't tell me "you did that because you're violent and crazy" she told me "You acted violent because the situation drove you to do that. It's not a right behavior, but it's expected when you deal with something like that"[/QUOTE] A bit of rant as well. For my entire life, I've only met two people that can understand basic human psychology, and how the social environment change each person straight from the bottom. People are so naive to not even consider the fact that none of their personal traits are their own, but chemical reactions that have been triggered by surrounding stigmas; cause and reaction. People don't choose what to do and believe, they only choose what they've known and been through in their past, that is why we're different. The two people I've met that understood this was my supervisor and psychologist, and I'm pretty damn sure they know their area of expertise. I'm always so mad listening to people and their bullshit on how human and individual behavior work. Human nature is a myth because each child has been placed in dysfunctional positions in a society that man has made. There's a reason why not all children speak French or fucking Chinese. And I always tell myself "Why are these people so stupid?!?!", because the same reason as before, affected by different environmental factors that has made them that way, and we could have been placed in the same boat. Don't know what you people believe, but I believe 100% in determinism and that free will is complete horse shit. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, all they do is making it worse. All you need is guidance and support, and from what you've told us, you're family don't provide common parental duties.

I'm so sensitive that every little knock feels like a punch and I hate it Here I had a big paragraph typed up but deleted it 'cause I don't want to burden people with my problems I just... hate myself so much

I'm bad at talking about this but I'll try: I felt a sudden sense of self-loathing followed by numbness after I got home from work(It's very hard to describe and more severe than what I just described), just didn't feel like doing anything and felt like nothing. That was scary. I pretty much stayed in bed for pretty much the rest of the day doing nothing. My mother then dropped by and we had another argument where she wouldn't listen as I tried to explain what it felt like. Like last time, she knows but thinks I can just fix myself by not "thinking negatively". I wish it was that simple. No progress was made once again on that front.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51504827]I'm bad at talking about this but I'll try: I felt a sudden sense of self-loathing followed by numbness after I got home from work(It's very hard to describe and more severe than what I just described), just didn't feel like doing anything and felt like nothing. That was scary. I pretty much stayed in bed for pretty much the rest of the day doing nothing. My mother then dropped by and we had another argument where she wouldn't listen as I tried to explain what it felt like. Like last time, she knows but thinks I can just fix myself by not "thinking negatively". I wish it was that simple. No progress was made once again on that front.[/QUOTE] I feel ya man. Nothing worse than parents who see your explanations as a call for pity rather than a call for help.

Hello everyone. It's 7AM for me. And I don't mean that in a good way. I've had no sleep last night so i'm metaphorically posting under the influence from sleep deprivation and depression. I'm probably going to use that as an excuse just in case I post stupid shit. This is my cat and best friend, Lex. [img]http://i.imgur.com/4Qtbdly.jpg[/img] He died about 4 weeks ago. I never kept track of the day because It's not something I want to remember. He had to be put down because he was struggling to walk, and was always in pain. One day he just hated everyone. He would hiss or attack anyone who came close to him if he wasn't in a good mood. He never did it me, but I just hope that it was because he was in a good mood because I would cry an entire ocean if he gave me special treatment. Our family agreed to have him put down the next morning, we had to put him in the upstairs bathroom away from the other pets because he would attack them too. To get an idea about how much he's had an effect on my life: When I was around 13 or so, he was the reason I became an atheist at that time. I was having a depression episode, thinking about the death of him, I cried and I thought the very irrational, and almost uncanny thought of "There is no god since this cat can die." A few years later after some growing up, I became agnostic. For his last week of life I neglected him when it came to affection. I was always busy with something and I couldn't give him any attention. He would always be by my feet, waiting for me to pet him but he was never pet because I was just so busy with university and personal projects and other shit. Even when I had that opportunity, I couldn't cuddle with him because I needed sleep and his purring would prevent me from sleeping. I wanted one last cuddle with him and I never got it, and if I did it would be incredibly selfish of me so I just feel so conflicted. I just feel so fucking awful for ignoring him for the last week of his life when he's been there for most of mine. He was there when I was bullied in gradeschool. He was there when I was harassed online. He was there during the recovery from shitty life choices. I didn't cry much when I said my goodbyes. I repressed it all because I don't want to risk suicidal thoughts. I've had dreams where I'm sleeping, thinking I'm cuddling with him, only to wake up and realise that I'm hugging a blanket.

Random unpleasant memories cropping up in your head about some of the worst shit that happened to you in college is not a fun thing.

I have no idea why, but these past few days I've been feeling more and more worse. Like, incredibly bitter, tired, and frustrated. I'm finding it exceptionally hard to deal with people right now. Keep getting migraines, too. Not to mention the extreme bouts of anger rearing up, too. Just kind of came out of nowhere.

This week on Monday I got to know that the municipality I live in will help with the initial deposit that you have to pay when renting, hooray. I decided to kick my search for a home back into gear and found a nice one. Went there last night to look and got a phone call today that I was the lucky searcher who got to live there. Yay! This is the biggest thing that has happened to me in years and I finally feel like I'm actually making some progress with my life. This is gonna open plenty of new doors for me to explore, I'm so excited to move.

I wish i could punch one of these so called "doctor" in the fucking face. I've been dealing with these semi-crippling symptoms (depends of the day, on the bad ones i can barely move from my bed) for the past seven months now. They said it was "anxiety". Of course i was (and still am) anxious you stupid fuckers considering the severity of these symptoms and the impact on my life. So i started therapy four months ago, semi-believing it was indeed anxiety and nothing else. Started medication too. Guess what ? Anxiety went down and symptoms remained EXACTLY the same. In fact, they're even more regular and consistent now. Every single evening (it's worse in the evening, don't know why) i feel like i'm dying. Nausea, dry mouth, [I]tension[/I] in the stomach area (feels like i'm a rubber band and i'm being stretched the fuck out), eyes getting red and painful (hard to look at lights, monitor included), confusion and restlessness while at the same time being tired as fuck. In fact, it feels like having a bad case of the flu. The worst part is the regularity of these symptoms, i really feel there's a trigger to them. They're not random. They don't feel random. Every single time. The same symptoms. I bought myself the whole medical arsenal since i was getting pretty tired of having to deal with this shit every time i went to the hospital. Now i just note the results, and kindly tell them to fuck right off when they want to make me believe it's "just hypotension or low blood sugar". Every result is in normal range, so the problem is clearly more complex and lies deeper but they just don't want to listen to me. [IMG]http://tof.canardpc.com/view/f7aeda27-361f-46b5-bb11-9a20f5c22843.jpg[/IMG]

I might have an idea, could you get an electrolyte workup done if you haven't already?

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;51509272]I might have an idea, could you get an electrolyte workup done if you haven't already?[/QUOTE] Probably done already but i can re-ask one.

[QUOTE=Drk;51509282]Probably done already but i can re-ask one.[/QUOTE] include calcium levels if you havent already, because this sounds very similar to symptoms caused by high levels of calcium in the blood.

Ok, I've noticed that when I have a lot of sugar, afterwards I get into a state where everything seems bad, I get worried and become unreasonable and the smallest thing irritates me. Does anyone know if there is a link between sugar and that sort of depression? Also do SSRIs make it easier to focus?

Anyone has experience with SSRIs, especially escitalopram/lexapro?

My sleep schedule has fallen off the rails again. More nightmares than usual lately. My dad is sick with something and I don't know what. We're still fighting a losing battle to get my nieces out of state custody. I feel like I'm alienating my friends again. I can't seem to find a job. I'm lonely. This is going to be a very difficult few months.

[QUOTE=Niklas;51511916]Anyone has experience with SSRIs, especially escitalopram/lexapro?[/QUOTE] ive been on multiple ssri's over the course of 4 years and im currently off them for the first time since last week and ive never felt better

just kicked a hole in my wall trying to fall asleep for 6 hours straight. i dont understand how im supposed to manage the responsibility of sleeping well for work and school when i cant sleep at night because im not tired, and when i try to i get reminded of everything that makes me feel like shit

I either sleep too much or sleep too little, same when it comes to eating. There is no inbetween :v:

i dont know. sometimes i wish i never had to sleep. i dont dream anymore and i find no tranquility in being able to rest because i dont find comfort in solitude anymore. i always feel the need to be around someone and its a horrible itch because i get mad at people when they don't respond to me when i talk to them. its this bad tantrumic habit that makes it feel like i imply im obligated a response... its been so many years of this and any effort i make to pull through and hopefully make changes doesnt work out. i feel like i got a lifetime sentence of depression and cynicism because i never got out as a kid and its basically official that i never got out in my teenage years either

[QUOTE=Systema;51512107]i dont know. sometimes i wish i never had to sleep. i dont dream anymore and i find no tranquility in being able to rest because i dont find comfort in solitude anymore. i always feel the need to be around someone and its a horrible itch because i get mad at people when they don't respond to me when i talk to them. its this bad tantrumic habit that makes it feel like i imply im obligated a response... its been so many years of this and any effort i make to pull through and hopefully make changes doesnt work out. i feel like i got a lifetime sentence of depression and cynicism because i never got out as a kid and its basically official that i never got out in my teenage years either[/QUOTE] Did you tried to eat herbs or foods suitable to make you more sleepy? If you tried, did you tried also take any kind of medication?

Things have been so fucked up lately. I'm becoming nothing but worse and worse. My girlfriend isn't taking me seriously anymore and I'm just so fucking lonely and worthless, I think we could be breaking up and I don't want that. She's pretty rare as she likes me. We met on the internet and actually live close enough. I'm afraid of letting her go because I don't think I can find anyone like her ever again. I've never felt this low before. What I just said was an understatement I'm too tired to explain everything. I'm fucking crying. I don't know what to do anymore.. I just want to die...

Me and my mother decided, that I switch uni. Apparently, this uni is suppose to help people with autism and giving good support in general. They also offer a small apartment to live in. The other uni I was in, I had no study group, I had a hard time making friends and I did very poorly in my homework, to the point where I didn't show up on lectures anymore. I had to explain to my mentor that I had to leave this uni, I have no idea if I did the right choice. As much as I wanted to live alone, I am kinda anxious about it. I am so used to my parents. I would miss them, because my new uni will be far away from my parents apartment. I have no idea if I'll do well in uni, nor do I have a clue how they actually treat me there. That's something I'll find out tomorrow perhaps, but the new uni will start around April. In the meantime, I can focus on my drivings license, which I'm still procrastinating. I haven't called them and I rarely study to the theory questions. It's been a while since I was driving a car. I keep lying to my parents that I study for it, because I do wanna avoid conflict. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

My parents helped me look into a college for people with special needs. Still not sure if I regret not going there, or not. I wonder what would've happened, and could it have affected my CV, and if so how?

First time posting in these types of threads, but I need to get something off my chest. So I finished a term of school, done with finals, and at home during break with my family. I should be stress-free at this point, but nope, feel genuinely upset. I don't think setting on the computer all day helps either. I had a good uni friend who started being really hostile towards me over the past week. Like, every time I try to join conversation he will just tell me "shut up" or "none of your business". One day, I saw him studying at the Engineering Building. Went to say hi, then he packed all his stuff, flipped me off, and left without explanation. It took me a day later when an another friend told me the reason why, I was using his car rides too much for granted. So yeah, I acted selfish without realizing it and didn't know my common courtesy. I only asked him moderately, but I should've pitch for gas for those time. All my friend would've told me that I would pay parts for gas if I needed a car ride, and I would understand. After finals, I tried texting him about the situation but he told me he was too busy, and I left for home that day. It wasn't until a couple days later when I got a phone call from him. I surprise he wanted to talk to me, but it turned out to be his mom. Apparently, she was looking through the texts between me and my friend and found that I used his car (own by the mom) as a moving vehicle since I was moving to a new place a few months ago. She told me to never use the car again since it won't be cover by the insurance if someone else was using it. I told her I understood and she said to never tell my friend my had this conversation. A few minute later, my friend found out, and was he pissed. He thought I contacted his mom first and texted me about how I was taken advantage of him and thinking I "own" him to the point how I curse out people who he occasionally talk to in class (I never did or had thoughts about this). I sent him a long text explaining how this isn't how he's making out to be and how I can't lose him as a friend. He simply reply that I was reckless and to never contact him again, ever. I later found out he unfriended me over Facebook. Right now, I'm just giving it a few days to see if he can be reasonable again, but worst case scenario is he still acts like this when my break is over. If that were the case, I have to stop seeing my other engi buddies since my friend will tell them I'm going to be "manipulative" and "untrustable", since most of do hang out with him. But that's just me being worry a lot. He could have issues with family and being stressed over finals, and I just happened to be in the middle of it. So this whole situation really questions me if I'm ever was a good friend. Yes, I realized I'm part at fault, but I have people explaining to me it's no big deal. Well, it's a big deal when you lose a friend when he/she calls you out because of something. I'm pretty much in self-denial at this point and want to beat myself up over what happened. It like me back in high school where a lose a friend just because I'm hanging out with them too much or being called a "stalker". This is why I spend most of my time alone and become very hesitant when I try to text or call someone because I either think I'm bothering them or being really creepy. Especially when contacting old friends I haven't talked to in years. About my friend, I'm not going to talk him at this point. I'm hoping he'll contact me and realized that he was taken things too personal, but for some reason there's doubt in my mind since he probably blocked me from his contact list. He didn't really act like this towards his other friends. Someday, I'm going to have to tell them what happened, but I'm afraid my friend will eventually found out making him more upset. It's just depressing when you get singled out. [B]tl;dr:[/B] Friend is upset because he thinks I'm taking advantage of him to the point where we might stop being friends, but I'm upset at myself that I might be the bad friend without realizing it.

If disappointing everybody is the only thing I can do and I'm good at, then where can I find somebody who wants to be greatly disappointed in me? Where can I find an education or a job that requires me to disappoint everybody..?

ive been crying for an hour straight, this is the worst it's been I dont think i can heal anymore, it feels like something deep within me is permanently broken

I met my father on Friday. A little over a year since I last saw him. I have struggled with depression for over 9 years now. The last two years have been the worst overall of the 9 years. I have managed to get a routine in place in the last month or so. Forcing myself to wake up at a set time each day. Showering and brushing my teeth. Go for a walk at least once a day. Exercise twice a week. I have a hard time opening up to people. I tried to open up to my father. After talking for a while I tried to explain some of diagnoses, how they manifest themselves. He said I was too fond of talking about myself and wondered if I liked being sick. I am bad at showing emotions around people I am not comfortable with, so I guess he mistook my calm and disconnected way of talking about it as a sign I was making it up? I do not really know. I hate talking about myself so I have no idea what gave him the impression otherwise. Maybe I did not seem interested enough with what he was talking about? I am not sure what I did wrong.

I know it's bad but I just bribed a teacher at college to change one of my grades. My parents don't know yet, but I fucking hate being grounded during vacations. I know they do it because in the real world you will suffer consequences for not divering results. I am aware of that, I have been fired from a job before, I understand what happens. I get yelled at, scolded and fired and I don't get paid nor hired from that place again. It's the price of making bad decisions or making mistskes while you work with someone. At college, failing means that even after you went to every class and skipped a day (I never skip clases), you pretty much wasted a semester, you feel like shit, well. I already felt like shit because I got very depressed during the semester, plus I have to pay a fuckton of cash to retake the class, I'll have to go to college next summer so I can compensate the wasted time. Now that I feel like shit and I'm fucking Destroyed. The only thing I want to do is go home, think about what happened and just try to do shit better next year. Sounds reasonable right? But no, I still need to deal with the Hollywood movie bullshit at home where I get scolded even worse than at school and my boss together and I am grounded so I can learn a "valuable life lesson" that I can only understand until I have children. I know the real world is tough, but the last thing I want, after dealing with a lot of shit both at work and at school is bringing all those issues home and being punished like if I was a 14 year old kid. I already discussed it with my therapist, my friends and my extended family and they all understand shit happens and the only thing left to do is find a solution and next time not Fuck up. It's school, it's not like I just killed a person or lost a multi-million dollar contract with a company. I passed the majority of my subjects, it's not like if I didn't care about college or if I was dancing of happiness because I failed. I know that in a job and at college they won't care wether I have personal issues or not and that's how it should be. But when I get home I expect to be with my family. People who know for a fact that I have issues, that I'm sad, demotivated and have low self esteem and I expect those people to understand that I'm already feeling like shit and that they won't bother me. I know they do their best to teache me how the real world is, I listen to them, but even they make mistakes and I never shit on them because of it. It's like when my Dad talks me about how eugenics is fine and how he always tell me to "work the most stressful job that pays more, never pick the job you like". Life isn't about that. Hell, my boss at work was very clear when he told me his life story how he used to work for a big firm and was paid a lot but was stressed out all time and never had time for himself. He told me to work a job I liked and allowed me to live the life I wanted to live and reach the goals I had. Of course my Dad doesn't understand that, that's why he suffered a lot, but I don't tell him this because my Dad lived his whole life under that logic. If I came up and told him "Dad, a large number of professionals, including my therapist have told me that doing that isn't right" he would see it as "Dad ,you are wrong". And remember that movies say that parents are never wrong. My Dad doesn't believe in therapy, I still go but don't tell him because he won't understand how therapy works. He thinks it's like a hugbox where we do mediation and other "time wasting" things and it's not counseling where a person who understands basic human psychology knows better strategies to help a person beyond punishment and telling them to stop being "attention whores" as 90% of people in my field do everytime. But parents are never wrong, right? When does it draw the line between preparation for the real world and treating you like you are stupid?

Demotivated real bad, feeling that some people I thought were friends of mine are coming off passive aggressive towards me lately. All the while trying to get my life on track Basically, asked for help get a subtle "go away" in return What can I do?