Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I don't think that I'll make it out of 2016... I've lost everyone that I loved dearly... I fucked everything up so much.. I don't want to go on... I don't have what it takes to even hold on anymore.. I want this pain to end [B]now[/B].

Please GoldAssassin, phone a suicide hotline and talk to professionals.

so anyone that's used to my fast threads bitching probably has already seen where i complained about it but in case anyone reading this hasn't, i've been living with an abusive caretaker which hasn't helped with the suicidal ideation i already suffer from and i'm about to turn 17. the rate at which things are running makes it hard to attend school without having a nervous breakdown on a daily basis and i may see myself dropping out and looking for both a GED and a job when i turn 17. what i'm trying to get at is that i can't really stay here for much longer and doing adult things might have to be sooner than i originally intended and attending school to graduate may have to come later because domestic instability isn't fun. what all would i probably need to worry about in terms of scraping together everything needed to get an apartment or something? [editline]13th December 2016[/editline] it should be noted i have no other family members that're both fit to raise a minor and aren't already raising too many, and state law where i am says i can legally leave custody at 17, or something like that. i'd have to do further looking into

I can't afford professional help and I just can't talk to them. I don't feel comfortable at all and I can't talk to those people, I've talked with counselors before and I just can't bring myself to even say a word. I usually just talk to friends about my problems and everything, but they are all gone and that's what brings me here...

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51521634]I can't afford professional help and I just can't talk to them. I don't feel comfortable at all and I can't talk to those people, I've talked with counselors before and I just can't bring myself to even say a word. I usually just talk to friends about my problems and everything, but they are all gone and that's what brings me here...[/QUOTE] Nowadays you can talk to a professional over text instead of phone. I hate talking to people on the phone, but my experience over chat was not so bad. Maybe give that a shot. Edit: It's free

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51521634]I can't afford professional help and I just can't talk to them. I don't feel comfortable at all and I can't talk to those people, I've talked with counselors before and I just can't bring myself to even say a word. I usually just talk to friends about my problems and everything, but they are all gone and that's what brings me here...[/QUOTE] There are alternatives that are free in every country, I'm sure Indonesia has alternatives and hotlines for this sort of thing. Even if you have no other options, you're free to talk to me, and I'm sure anyone else in this thread. Edit:[URL="https://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotline_500-454"] I think you should look into all the information in this though[/URL]

Like I said, I really really can't and don't feel comfortable talking about my problems especially with people I'm not close with, even if their intentions are good. Even if someone pushes me to do it it won't help at all and I'll just feel worse.

I'm sorry for pushing you then. I'm just afraid that you will hurt yourself. Please do not, you can do this and we are here to do whatever we can for you.

There's something oddly sad about cleaning and throwing away belongings you've had for years even if it's trash. Old pencil cases from elementary school, calculators that are broken, irrelevant medical documents and even old cables, it hurts to put it away. It feels like I'm throwing away the last bits of my "innocence" / childhood and now I've become a whole new person. I probably have too but it's still a little sad to think back to the memories I've had with all of this trash.

It's because you're throwing away relics from times of happiness. Killing yourself, one throw at the time.

Idk I always feel a sort of mix. Very bittersweet for me to get rid of old things. Bitter because it's memories I cherish but also sweet because it's a sign that I'm ready to move on from it. Otherwise you become a hoarder with junk stacked to the ceiling that you're hoping might make you feel better but it probably won't. If you're really gonna miss stuff that you're throwing away, I'd take a lot of pictures of it but still ultimately pass it on. When you hold onto so much old stuff, it becomes really heavy and doesn't do a whole lot of good imo.

[QUOTE=portalcrazy;51521562]so anyone that's used to my fast threads bitching probably has already seen where i complained about it but in case anyone reading this hasn't, i've been living with an abusive caretaker which hasn't helped with the suicidal ideation i already suffer from and i'm about to turn 17. the rate at which things are running makes it hard to attend school without having a nervous breakdown on a daily basis and i may see myself dropping out and looking for both a GED and a job when i turn 17. what i'm trying to get at is that i can't really stay here for much longer and doing adult things might have to be sooner than i originally intended and attending school to graduate may have to come later because domestic instability isn't fun. what all would i probably need to worry about in terms of scraping together everything needed to get an apartment or something? [editline]13th December 2016[/editline] it should be noted i have no other family members that're both fit to raise a minor and aren't already raising too many, and state law where i am says i can legally leave custody at 17, or something like that. i'd have to do further looking into[/QUOTE] My niece went through something similar. She decided to drop out at 16 and get her GED - and apparently once you have a GED your parents can legally kick you out of the house and get out of paying child support for the last year or two. Because her parents did that it ended up fucking her over royally. So if your decision to get a GED and drop out is because of how stressed you are at home, consider contacting CPS and asking what options you have available. Personally, if my caregiver was causing me enough stress to have suicidal ideation I'd be asking CPS to move me into a foster home.

I feel like I am losing touch with people, recently since finding work I don't find myself speaking to people much any more and people are starting to move on it seems, hardly communicating with me despite me actually initiating conversation, I can't be involved in everything like I used to be I just feel awful; I have this overarching sense of dread that I will be seemingly replaced and discarded and I honestly feel as bad as I did a year ago and I can't stand the thought of having come so far for it to all go back to square one. Nobody else seems to notice this though and I don't know if I am just being paranoid or if there is some sort of "Oh forget him." type deal going on.

[QUOTE=Thomo_UK;51524269]I feel like I am losing touch with people, recently since finding work I don't find myself speaking to people much any more and people are starting to move on it seems, hardly communicating with me despite me actually initiating conversation, I can't be involved in everything like I used to be I just feel awful; I have this overarching sense of dread that I will be seemingly replaced and discarded and I honestly feel as bad as I did a year ago and I can't stand the thought of having come so far for it to all go back to square one. Nobody else seems to notice this though and I don't know if I am just being paranoid or if there is some sort of "Oh forget him." type deal going on.[/QUOTE] I actually feel like this a lot myself. Most of it is irrational, but just yesterday, one of my good friends silently removed me on everything I've added him on and refuses to add me back. This has happened before and each time it does, it makes me a little more paranoid and a little less confident in myself.

[QUOTE=BlackMageMari;51522514]I'm just afraid that you will hurt yourself. Please do not[/QUOTE] I can't guarantee that...

After pushing myself 4 days, today I have to skip my lecture... I'm so anxious that I'll most likely stay in bed the whole day...

Been extremely depressed and tired all day today, bordering on suicidal. To top it all off I had heart palpitations out of the blue, was intense as all hell, genuinely thought I was going to die. My in-laws were nice enough to come over with their blood pressure monitor which I'm lucky they had. I managed to calm myself down by the time they came and checked my pulse but I still felt really off and weaker/quieter than usual. It scared me like nothing else has. I'm over today.

My friend showed me the music video for "A Good Life" by Weezer because I deliver pizzas and so does the chick in the music video. I get to watching it and come to notice that the chick in the video is almost a spitting image of my ex girlfriend I've managed to forget about for some time. Well damn, back to the drawing board.

[QUOTE=gnampf;51530691]My friend showed me the music video for "A Good Life" by Weezer because I deliver pizzas and so does the chick in the music video. I get to watching it and come to notice that the chick in the video is almost a spitting image of my ex girlfriend I've managed to forget about for some time. Well damn, back to the drawing board.[/QUOTE] I feel ya. There are countless things I used to enjoy, but now the I can't stand because of someone who didn't know what they were doing or just didn't care.

I took a bunch of adderall, took a nap, woke up wired as fuck, finished an english final then wrote this: [URL="https://novni.com/letters/read/46308/the-layman-says-do-what-makes-you-happy-the-critical-thinker-is-sad"]The layman says do what makes you happy. The critic is sad.[/URL] There's a shitton of typos because didn't proof read, so forgive me, but I think it sums up how I feel right now pretty well. Hopefully you find a little bit of yourself in it too (or rather, hopefully not). It's my best attempt at putting words to my feelings.

Why do I care, I swear it's a curse, I'm a loving person and it seems loving and caring only gets me hurt. This isn't even about relationships, it's about friends also. I just feel like I was born cursed, i don't feel like I belong here in this world where all people want to do is betray each other and hurt each other. I want to die, this world will be fine without me where everyone can continue to be horrid to each other.

Over the last year or so I've been slowly "healing", going out a bit more (Well, 2 days a week), eating better (Lost quite a bit of weight :smile:) and have started making some real friends, and good ones who don't think I'm weird because I have depression. And then about 2 weeks ago everything wen to shit, like it always does whenever I see my dad or it's around Christmas, ever since my parents split up I've hated Christmas, as it always means seeing my dad and his girlfriend (Even though he's STILL (After 6 Years) being a dick about the divorce papers, they always get "lost" or he's too busy working).His excuse my entire life, I used to not see him for weeks at a time, simply because he got up at 5, went to work and came back after I went to sleep, and then I couldn't see him at the weekends because he'd be in the office shouting whenever anyone came in, over the holidays he's take stuff out on me, once he shouted at me for 2 hours because I'd lost his hat (He left it under his set in the car) while I was hiding in a quilt when I had just attempted suicide, which led me to develop some bad nervous habits, it's hard to see them but I still have scars on my arms from scratching them so hard. Another time I was feeling sick in a hotel room so that night I "slept" in the hotel bathtub because he was worried about his deposit. Anyway, enough about that, over the last few weeks I've been feeling shittier and shittier, doing less and less, eating worse and worse, not sleeping, or even moving for hours at a time because I've been exhausted, just staring at a wall, or reading a chapter of a book, then just staring at the cover/blurb. I've had stomach cramps and thrown up again, one of the signs that it's getting worse (It got so bad I had to seek medical help for it last time). I never fucking seems to stop, it never ends, just when I think it's better it get's like this again, and I just burst into tears, so my writing might get worse from here, but finishing this will be a little victory for me. I feel like I need help, but wherever I turn there are memories of the shit that has happened, which makes me feel worse. I am currently sitting on a mattress on the floor, without a cover, with 2 weeks worth of plates and mugs around me, clothes all over the floor because whenever I try and do anything about my room (or the house actually) I feel sick, and then throw up. To make everything better I'm flying out to see my dad, and whenever that happens I feel shittier, I'm afraid i'm going to try something again, but I don't know how to stop it.

For every single time I make a social relation that is consistent in contact, I remember exactly why I spent 3 years in isolation. My life is steady and predictable as soon as I cut everyone off but eventually I get starved for social contact and / or a random social relation grows which then just fucks everything up. The tiniest signs that people don't want me around is blown up so much in my head and it becomes an echo chamber containing hurtful words that people don't like me, that I'm not interesting, that the risk of straight up getting abandoned permanently is close, etc. I feel so excluded from everything despite being included. I've liked to think that I don't suffer much from anxiety nowadays but it's easy to tell why I've been thinking that. I've just been too lonely to really be affected by it and as soon as that loneliness is broken, it all comes rushing down on me. It feels like I can't win this social anxiety. I know I can, but it's hard. Like earlier for example, my SO and I were invited out and my anxiety kicked in hard as soon as I realized they were on their way without me getting much of a warning. I was included, but it still feels really bad since I get so tense of the thought. My SO went without me and then an even worse feeling pops up, that I'm excluded and abandoned. How much of an idiot I am for not challenging my anxiety which just further reinforces the anxiety I have. It quickly becomes a negative thought loop, no matter what I end up doing. Every time this happens it makes me feel like I'm some sort of alien that'll never fit in with other people. It zaps all of my energy and just makes me want to go to sleep in the hope that I'll wake up in some dreamland where this isn't an issue.

I'm good with managing my depression and anxiety for the most part... I'm just sick and tired of life being put on "hold"... I left college years ago and since then I've wanted to move out, have a job, have kids, travel, etc... But nope, none of that has happened yet in the course of five years -_-

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I've made up my mind on taking medication for my anxiety, when I get back to uni in a month I'm seriously going to look into it. But first, since I'm covered by their insurance I need to talk to my parents (or rather my father) about it. I'm terrified of having to tell him about it, he was dumbfounded enough at the idea that I have depression and anxiety when I told him about it and I can't imagine he'll take me wanting to get medicated for it any better. At least he's been nice enough not to tell my mother about any of this, dealing with her would be 10x worse.

I'm being evicted, have no money, no job, and I'm about to go homeless and live in my car. I'm getting close to the point where I'm going to pull the trigger, but I also know that there's still paths out of this that I'm still actively pursuing. I've been taking care of my mother (paranoid schizo) ever since my dad passed away 3 years ago, and it's just been destroying me mentally and emotionally. I have no motivation, no desire, and it's becoming harder to move forwards. I can't give up, I have to take care of my mother because I know nobody else in my family will, she doesn't deserve to suffer because of her mental health issues, but every day, it's like another piece of me dies and I get yet another step closer to ending it.

[QUOTE=D-Roy;51541967]I'm being evicted, have no money, no job, and I'm about to go homeless and live in my car. I'm getting close to the point where I'm going to pull the trigger, but I also know that there's still paths out of this that I'm still actively pursuing. I've been taking care of my mother (paranoid schizo) ever since my dad passed away 3 years ago, and it's just been destroying me mentally and emotionally. I have no motivation, no desire, and it's becoming harder to move forwards. I can't give up, I have to take care of my mother because I know nobody else in my family will, she doesn't deserve to suffer because of her mental health issues, but every day, it's like another piece of me dies and I get yet another step closer to ending it.[/QUOTE] My grandpa lives with us and he's a paranoid schizophrenic, and as I'm sure you know, it's not fun. I think for your own sake that you should have her institutionalized if she ever becomes too much to bear.

Don't ya just love it when you're two months since having bad anxiety, only to have it come back?

Well here I am again, I think I'm back in that vicious cycle. My father's gonna die soon and I sometimes I don't know how to react about that and more shitty than that I don't do know what to do after he's gone. Anxiety literally gives me pain, like chronic headaches for years now. And now I'm at that point where I take painkillers not only to relieve the pain but to get 'high', it sounds stupid, but it's the only moments I'm feeling well for a while. And now I'm seriously willing to buy more powerful opioids from the darknet. I'm letting myself go.