Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

on one hand i feel like i have so much left to live for. on the other hand i feel like none of that is ever accomplishable for me. this confusion is worse than knowing something with absolute certainty [editline]7th January 2017[/editline] so i'm about to receive counceling or whatever you call it. basically it's a person from some instance specialized in helping people with autism cope with the daily issues they're facing. for the record i have asperger's syndrome. i just dont know if theyll be able to help me with the feeling that i might aswell just keel over and rot i dont even have a reason to feel this way. i grew up with two amazingly supportive parents, a little brother who admittedly had his fair share of issues when he was younger which he grew out of entirely, even more so than me, its something that makes me really mad at myself but i just cant get it out of my fucking head it doesnt help when people tell me to get over myself, it wont work when people tell me to get a grip, its something i frankly dont have any control of apparently and its driving me insane when the psychiatrist at the instance i mentioned earlier asks me to write my thoughts in some document i lock up as well. i dont know why. i just cant get anything done anymore, like modeling, programming, or anything else. i wish i could just go up and do it like people tell me to do but when i try to force myself to stay productive i feel like there's some sort of strap underneath my ribcage that pulls tighter and tighter every time i start up the necessary programs, causing me to feel really dizzy and at a million places at the same time how the fuck am i supposed to get past that [editline]7th January 2017[/editline] i dont even know why im putting this here [editline]7th January 2017[/editline] oh yeah one time when i was still in college, while i was waiting for my train to arrive another train speeded past the station and i felt this impulse to run in front of it. fun times. happened quite a few times. good thing ive never been an impulsive person i suppose

it's like this; imagine if every once in a while a creature much bigger than you shits on you so you get covered in a pile of shit. you dig it all away so you can breathe again. unfortunately your clothes will still smell like shit but you got laundry machines for that right? so it's just a shitty, smelly nuisance, nothing you can't handle then the creature decides to shit an entire colossal crap mountain on you, burying you in disgusting soggy feces so you buckle up, you dig and dig and dig and after a long while you're free to breathe again and you cleared out all the crap. but your clothes will smell like shit for weeks now, even after putting it through the laundry five times over. since cleaning up such a giant pile of crap requires a load of energy you're drained for a while. you haven't even recovered a fraction of your energy when the creature decides eating a taco bell restaurant completely empty would be the best idea ever except it isn't and now you're buried in mt. shiterest, and you can't get out of it alone, but you won't scream for help because for whatever reason you still feel like you should be able to clean the shit out yourself because you've done it before so you should be able to do it again [editline]7th January 2017[/editline] this is probably literally the shittiest metaphor i've ever written

Well at least the therapy i followed for the past 5-6 months now was kinda useful to somewhat reduce the intensity of my anxiety (no drugs as of yet, pure talking) but man, the physical symptoms i have on the other are still exactly the fucking same. Which is very bothersome because they're quite invalidating when they show up (close to impossible to work, concentrate, or even stand sometimes if i got the dizziness aspect of it, trust me having the impression that the world around you can invert itself is absolutely terrifying). I don't know how to handle the situation. I think the fear of suicide comes from that : from my inability to successfully project myself in a few years if the physical symptoms keep pulling me back. I quite literally feel like a 85 years old man with the amount of physical shit i have to deal with right now.

Started a GoFundMe [url]https://www.gofundme.com/battle-against-mikeys-depression[/url] Don't know if this even is the proper place to talk about something like this. I have a car but it does not run and this money could help me fix my car and get a proper living situation. Afford therapy. Go ahead and delete this post if this is not the proper place. Thanks.

*I'm sorry in advance for this lengthy post* I'm signed off work because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I can't work :goodjob: I've been signed off since I left college years ago, but since then I've been eager to work from the start. My partner is supportive and understands the reasons why I'm signed off etc., but whenever he asks me about how the job-searching is going, it gets my anxiety playing up. He's supportive and all, but I get anxiety attacks etc. whenever I think of the future, particularly how the fuck I'm going to support myself and my partner in the future financially, and if I ever get a job... I just prefer to not think about it altogether, even though I have to. I can't sign on to JSA because I'm signed off, and I can't go back to college for further qualifications because otherwise I will lose my only income, which is my benefits. Not to mention that the college were right C-words to me and told me to leave "because of my learning difficulties lol" and refuse to let me progress. So I'm stuck with Level 1 qualifications. I can never win. Fuck sake :cry:

[QUOTE=Mikenopa;51636674]Afford therapy.[/QUOTE] Medicaid covers therapy. And if you don't have insurance quite a few providers work on a sliding scale system - pay what you can pretty much.

Is there like anywhere to go and just socialize, I'm 8 months out from being able to visit a bar. Its like there is nowhere to meet new people :(

[QUOTE=ColdWave;51637939]Is there like anywhere to go and just socialize, I'm 8 months out from being able to visit a bar. Its like there is nowhere to meet new people :([/QUOTE] A lot of clubs are 18+. You can't drink but you can still hang out and dance.

It would be nice to be able to make new friends and talk to people without being near-instantly self-deprecative

My presence just bothers everyone. Me being around people>They stop talking because they're most likely talking shit about me Me being in a group for school work or something>They don't really want me to help out and I get bad grades Me being in a team in a game>I make the team lose Me hanging out with some friends>Ignored, become a useless wheel Me being appointed to an assignment>Screw up no matter how I want to be gone, all I am, all I ever was and will ever be is just a nuisance to everyone. No matter how much I try to learn from it and not repeat it again, it still happens and I don't know why.

I'm extremely sensitive and I hate it, but I can't just toughen up and get rid of it. I get anxious, nervous or sad very easily after being yelled or snapped at. Sometimes I still get worried for things that haven't happened yet. Why does this happen?

I feel like I should start drinking again at times but stop before doing anything about it(thank god). I honestly don't know why I've been feeling extra shitty recently, like.... What do I even have to feel shit about? My lifes alright. It's just weird I had to be wired this way.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51640661]I feel like I should start drinking again at times but stop before doing anything about it(thank god). I honestly don't know why I've been feeling extra shitty recently, like.... What do I even have to feel shit about? My lifes alright. It's just weird I had to be wired this way.[/QUOTE] Do you feel shit during specific times of the year? it could be seasonal affective disorder

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;51640679]Do you feel shit during specific times of the year? it could be seasonal affective disorder[/QUOTE] Nah it's been consistent for most of my life but it's been extra bad the past two months. Make of that what you will.

[QUOTE=PredGD;51633133]I need advice real bad. living alone is driving me insane. It's okay during the day when I have some shit to do, like lifting weights, doing dishes, making food and so forth, but then there's that period between dinner and bedttime that fucks me up real good. I don't think I've ever felt so much loneliness crush down on me before, this is beyond anything I've experienced before. thoughts that I'll always be alone, that I won't find anyone to connect with, that my SO will disappear very soon, that a future drug addiction will fuck me up, it circles around in my head. I've never been so desperate to make this feeling go away before. I went ahead and prepared some MDMA for myself because that makes me happy right? I know, it hasn't been 6 weeks since last time which means it might be damaging to my brain but this is a once in a lifetime scenario, I promise you that. One time can't hurt? Fuck me? I didn't have enough so I dropped it and now I'm feeling even worse. What did I just think of doing? I've never used drugs to cope before, what am I thinking? This is the sixth day and I'm already reaching for terrible coping mechanisms, how is this going to evolve? I don't know what to do guys. I've always been able to just let it sink in without resistance, which is bad but so much more comfortable than this. Now every little cell in my body is screaming at me for how lonely I am and I feel so bad. I'm scared I'll do something stupid, I'm scared I'll be too tempted by drugs to cope, I'm scared of being alone. i'm so scared, please help [editline]6th January 2017[/editline] I feel a little better now, it comes and it goes.. it helps to occupy myself by googling for things or reading reddit, but it's only temporary. Looking away from my computer and into my living room is a grim reminder that I'm all alone here. dunno how to deal with this really, I'll run out of distractions and it's back full force [editline]6th January 2017[/editline] where do I go when the pain follows me wherever I go? there's no beast or predator to hide from, there's no one who wants to hurt me, there is no danger I can run from. it's all in my head, tainting everything I do and touch. I haven't felt this kind of pain since 2014 where my mental health was at its worst. I thought I had gotten further ahead than that by now. I didn't think I'd sit in my office chair with such a crushing loneliness while visualizing my own suicide in a panicked state of mind where time starts to lose meaning. I thought I was past this, or at least the most painful parts. it is when I experience this that I realize what I've been through in the past is just a stroll in the park compared to what might be ahead. I lived at home, my family was very supportive, I always had a safety net. it felt shit, but I always had them. now I have none of that. they're a phone call away but it's not good enough. if I fall now, I'll go beyond what I considered rock bottom back then. I don't believe there's such thing as rock bottom anymore. it keeps going until you're dead or get back on your feet, death is the bottom.[/QUOTE] I feel you man. I don't know if this helps any, but I always enjoy reading your posts in AL. Cool down on the MDMA though. I know you know that, but I'd just like to reiterate it. I'm not trying to be an asshole by saying that; I'm trying to make sure your future is bright.

I hate having all these disorders. Why does life have to be so unfair... I feel like the ugliest, dumbest and useless human in the earth right now with absolutely no redeeming qualities, incapable of doing many things besides failing. I hate having inferiority complex and actually being inferior to people I'm not supposed to like younger kids. I've seen them count or even just hold a glass of water better and smarter than me and I still don't know how to accomplish basic things that they can and I should have could and it's taking me 3 times longer for me to even accomplish the simplest things... I feel like I'm in this world just to be in it, like a filler. I feel like me dying or disappearing would (eventually) bring joy to many people, as they will no more be tormented by my clumsy presence that is nothing but nuisance. It'll make more way for people that are far better than me to do good things, things I can never accomplish. All as proven by myself and other people..

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51640523]My presence just bothers everyone. Me being around people>They stop talking because they're most likely talking shit about me Me being in a group for school work or something>They don't really want me to help out and I get bad grades Me being in a team in a game>I make the team lose Me hanging out with some friends>Ignored, become a useless wheel Me being appointed to an assignment>Screw up no matter how I want to be gone, all I am, all I ever was and will ever be is just a nuisance to everyone. No matter how much I try to learn from it and not repeat it again, it still happens and I don't know why.[/QUOTE] My life has been like this too, even now that I have some friends that really really like me and always want me around I still have this gnawing voice in the back of my head that's trying to convince me otherwise. God I hated highschool, there's few things more horrible than just wanting to sit alone and not bother anyone and have people throw food at you.

Idk if this is the right place to post this, but I noticed how numb I am to emotional pain when smoking weed and it makes me psychologically unable to feel sad, just happy. I am not a person suffering from depression, but I light one up once in a while cuz it makes me numb to emotional pain. Is that bad?

True loves have baby, baby born, baby dies 4 months old. Baby daddy walks in on baby mumma hanging.. Baby dad takes a knife too his wrist n fails, riddled with epilepsy mental health issues, baby daddy turns too drugs. God failed, drugs failed .. Love failed but all of that ask why, not like evil runs through. Like you walk past people and they judge you for anything so they can release their poisions to make their self feel more assured. Y'all fuck knows... Weird you know that look forward to see doctor just to hug and them tell that your doing great when you feel and live everyday as a struggle

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I have such a bleeding heart for animals. I picked up a stray today that was outside my house thinking he belonged to someone nearby, considering he looked well groomed and was very friendly. Left him in a crate in front of my house while I went to classes (it's the first day so I couldn't skip) and had my mom check on him every so often and see if he belonged to the neighbors. This was at about 11am. Fast forward and I get home from classes around 4:30. No one claimed him. I exhausted every option. Shelters, vets, the police, and animal control would not take him immediately. The closest was animal care services offering to pick him up "in 12 hours". Which wasn't okay. Couldn't stay in my garage or anywhere in my house because he barked. We let him go and he immediately came back and started scratching and barking at our door. After driving all the way to the police station to ask an actual officer what we should do, he just suggested we leave the dog in a neighborhood far away from our house. Was extremely disappointed but by then I was tired and stressed and exhausted and so was my mother and we had no choice. So we left him in a nicer neighborhood away from the main roads. I'm still sort of coming out of the stress right now but man. I'm extremely disappointed that my city had no services willing to help. Especially since the dog was a literal neighborhood nuisance. Anyway, today's been kind of a shitty day but I'm hoping that I didn't get bad karma for leaving the dog because I really did try everything imaginable to get him somewhere safe.

I just have days now that feel like they don't even exist. I actually slept through last Wednesday or Thursday I think, I have no fucking control over my life right now.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51647431]I have such a bleeding heart for animals. I picked up a stray today that was outside my house thinking he belonged to someone nearby, considering he looked well groomed and was very friendly. Left him in a crate in front of my house while I went to classes (it's the first day so I couldn't skip) and had my mom check on him every so often and see if he belonged to the neighbors. This was at about 11am. Fast forward and I get home from classes around 4:30. No one claimed him. I exhausted every option. Shelters, vets, the police, and animal control would not take him immediately. The closest was animal care services offering to pick him up "in 12 hours". Which wasn't okay. Couldn't stay in my garage or anywhere in my house because he barked. We let him go and he immediately came back and started scratching and barking at our door. After driving all the way to the police station to ask an actual officer what we should do, he just suggested we leave the dog in a neighborhood far away from our house. Was extremely disappointed but by then I was tired and stressed and exhausted and so was my mother and we had no choice. So we left him in a nicer neighborhood away from the main roads. I'm still sort of coming out of the stress right now but man. I'm extremely disappointed that my city had no services willing to help. Especially since the dog was a literal neighborhood nuisance. Anyway, today's been kind of a shitty day but I'm hoping that I didn't get bad karma for leaving the dog because I really did try everything imaginable to get him somewhere safe.[/QUOTE] Nobody could have done more or asked more of you in this situation. In fact, with how I see it, you did more than the average person could be expected to do, so don't beat yourself up about it.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51647431] Anyway, today's been kind of a shitty day but I'm hoping that I didn't get bad karma for leaving the dog because I really did try everything imaginable to get him somewhere safe.[/QUOTE] That's still better than holding a dead puppy. Still haunts me though. You did all that you could.

You know you're feeling special when a so-called "relative" posts 17 TWEETS slagging you off :v:

The pup I talked about yesterday was picked up by another kind person in the neighborhood so hopefully they can do more for him than I did. On another note though I got accepted into my first art show. Maybe that was my good karma lol.

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Dunno if this is the place, but whats people's experience with modafinil? I am seeing a doctor about my constant lethargy and shit and she immediately put my on fluoxetine, which wasn't what I was going for. I don't think I can get it here in Ireland without bad narcolepsy and I am getting desperate, every day is a slog and I never wake up feeling rested, and its been like this for years.

Today has been the first good day in a loooooooong time, since before christmas. I keep having my obsessive thoughts and I can't really resist my compulsions, but at least giving in to them doesn't make me feel terrible today. I look in the mirror and I feel like I see the real me again, I really like my appearance today. I hope this is the beginning of a good streak. I still have trouble leaving my house, though I've been trying to make a habit of leaving my house, even if it's just at night. Left my house three times in december, after isolating myself for months, and it made me feel much better. I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY TODAY!

Getting real tempted to just shell out some money to rent a hotel room for the night because I'm being wwoken up by a crying baby that is not mine almost every morning. Whenever she prevents me from getting sleep I get resentful and I don't want to have that attitude towards her but god I did not agree to a baby while I'm in the middle of my most important school semester. [editline]11th January 2017[/editline] Really wish I had a solution for this beyond "wear ear plugs" which doesn't work and "move out" which I can't afford.