Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

So I came to the realization today that I have no future. I'm homeschooled. I take online classes that I'm supposed to do myself. For the past 8 years, I've been homeschooled, and have supposed to have been doing lessons every day. But instead, I sat on my ass every day on the computer, jerking off and playing video games without a care in the world, and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. I just turned 18, and only now am I realizing that there is no way I can catch up. Pretty soon all of my friends will be graduating high school and going off to college, but me? I have 8 fucking years to make up for. Unless I can kick my was into high gear and stop being so lazy (which won't happen) and maybe get into college by the time I'm 25, then I will be left behind as my friends go on to college with their whole lives ahead of them, including my crush and girl of my dreams who I will never be able to see because she'll be off in college with guys who aren't total deadbeats like me, even if I do ask her out and start dating her it won't matter because once she gets into college she'll have crowds of guys lining up to stick their dicks in her due to the fact that she is objectively model-quality beautiful (like she has the kind of face you'd see on a beauty magazine), and I won't be able to do shit about it. I threw my fucking life away just so I could play video games and watch dumbass youtube videos for 8 years straight. I have no future to speak of. All of my friends will abandon me and leave me in the dust and I'll still be here beating off and feeling sorry to myself and I will be alone forever. There is no more fucking point to going on. This is it. This is the end. I made my bed and now I have to fucking lie in it. I ruined my own life by being a lazy asshole and now I have no future and no reason to continue. Who knows, maybe I can get my GED and settle going to community college and be stuck with a dead end job and no girlfriend until I eventually kill myself anyway. Or I can save myself the trouble and do it now.

[QUOTE=roman117;51722148]So I came to the realization today that I have no future. I'm homeschooled. I take online classes that I'm supposed to do myself. For the past 8 years, I've been homeschooled, and have supposed to have been doing lessons every day. But instead, I sat on my ass every day on the computer, jerking off and playing video games without a care in the world, and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. I just turned 18, and only now am I realizing that there is no way I can catch up. Pretty soon all of my friends will be graduating high school and going off to college, but me? I have 8 fucking years to make up for. Unless I can kick my was into high gear and stop being so lazy (which won't happen) and maybe get into college by the time I'm 25, then I will be left behind as my friends go on to college with their whole lives ahead of them, including my crush and girl of my dreams who I will never be able to see because she'll be off in college with guys who aren't total deadbeats like me, even if I do ask her out and start dating her it won't matter because once she gets into college she'll have crowds of guys lining up to stick their dicks in her and I won't be able to do shit about it. I threw my fucking life away just so I could play video games and watch dumbass youtube videos for 8 years straight. I have no future to speak of. All of my friends will abandon me and leave me in the dust and I'll still be here beating off and feeling sorry to myself and I will be alone forever. There is no more fucking point to going on. This is it. This is the end. I made my bed and now I have to fucking lie in it. I ruined my own life by being a lazy asshole and now I have no future and no reason to continue.[/QUOTE] Wanted to chime in here. A) That's not your fault. If your parents are going to allow you to be homeschooled then they needed to stay on top of things and make sure you actually do work. B) You can go to public school in the USA until 21. I would strongly recommend going to public school over online school (for your situation) and discussing with your school the remedial programs available, including summer school. C) You don't actually need to spend eight years catching up. There are sites like [URL="https://www.khanacademy.org/"]Khan Academy[/URL] that teach you online. It's nice because you can rewind the videos if you get stuck. Depending on how much you push yourself you could probably be at your proper grade level in a year or two. I would also recommend getting tested for learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar etc. Sure, you could have just been lazy - or you could have a deeper issue that a psychiatrist/psychologist should be able to diagnose. I would recommend doing this before your parents drop you from their insurance.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51722177]Wanted to chime in here. A) That's not your fault. If your parents are going to allow you to be homeschooled then they needed to stay on top of things and make sure you actually do work.[/QUOTE] Both my parents work 9-5, and by the time they get home they're too tired to help with anything. They can't stay on top of me, I have to do it on my own, and I can't supervise myself cause like I said I'm a lazy fuck who doesn't work. [quote]B) You can go to public school in the USA until 21. I would strongly recommend going to public school over online school (for your situation) and discussing with your school the remedial programs available, including summer school. C) You don't actually need to spend eight years catching up. There are sites like [URL="https://www.khanacademy.org/"]Khan Academy[/URL] that teach you online. It's nice because you can rewind the videos if you get stuck. Depending on how much you push yourself you could probably be at your proper grade level in a year or two.[/quote] Can I get into a university by doing this? I don't want to settle for some shitty community college, especially when all my friends and going to places like SCAD, and universities that fucking Disney hires from. [quote]I would also recommend getting tested for learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar etc. Sure, you could have just been lazy - or you could have a deeper issue that a psychiatrist/psychologist should be able to diagnose. I would recommend doing this before your parents drop you from their insurance.[/QUOTE] I think I might have an internet addiction. I seriously spend about 16-18 hours a day on the internet, whether it's my computer, my tablet, or my phone, I'm constantly connected from the moment I wake up at 10AM to the moment I go to sleep at around 4AM.

Community college is the smart option to get your associates and general studies out of the way without spending $100,000. To skip community college on the basis of prestige alone is silly and wasteful, imo. I'd say only go to a prestigious school if you have the money to not fall into years of debt afterwards. You can still have a fantastic portfolio even if you've never been to a fancy school in your life. [editline]24th January 2017[/editline] That being said, if you don't want to go back to school, consider getting your GED. [editline]24th January 2017[/editline] High school, that is.

[QUOTE=roman117;51722200]Both my parents work 9-5, and by the time they get home they're too tired to help with anything. They can't stay on top of me, I have to do it on my own, and I can't supervise myself cause like I said I'm a lazy fuck who doesn't work.[/QUOTE] It's still their fault. They could hire a tutor for you if they can't watch you and help you with work. So growing up were you in a online school or did your parents take you out of public schools to "homeschool" you? You mentioned online classes - can you elaborate more? And please explain how they homeschooled you exactly. Because from your description of jerking off all day on the computer and not doing work, I'm going to take a guess and say they didn't try teaching you at all. [QUOTE]Can I get into a university by doing this? I don't want to settle for some shitty community college, especially when all my friends and going to places like SCAD, and universities that fucking Disney hires from.[/QUOTE] Doing what, Khan Academy? No. It's there as a learning tool only - which is why I'd also recommend going back to public school and getting in remedial programs / summer school. [QUOTE]I think I might have an internet addiction. I seriously spend about 16-18 hours a day on the internet, whether it's my computer, my tablet, or my phone, I'm constantly connected from the moment I wake up at 10AM to the moment I go to sleep at around 4AM.[/QUOTE] Or you could have ADD/ADHD. People with ADD/ADHD focus a lot more on things they enjoy doing and procrastinate and put off doing things that they don't enjoy, etc.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51722255]It's still their fault. They could hire a tutor for you if they can't watch you and help you with work. So growing up were you in a online school or did your parents take you out of public schools to "homeschool" you? You mentioned online classes - can you elaborate more? And please explain how they homeschooled you exactly. Because from your description of jerking off all day on the computer and not doing work, I'm going to take a guess and say they didn't try teaching you at all.[/quote] I went to public elementary school until I graduated 5th grade, afterwards I went to some therapy summer camps. As for the reason why, long story short: I had a crush on this girl in my class but when I told her how I felt she didn't reciprocate, so I fucking lost it and started throwing tantrums in class and threatening to kill myself and other students. Kept going until the very last day of school, although I technically got pulled out the day before school ended so I didn't get to see my friends that last day. At the summer camp the therapists asked me, a ten year old boy, if I wanted to become homeschooled, which was basically the equivalent of asking if I wanted to stay home and play video games all day so of course I said yes. At first, my fifth grade teacher came over to my house and taught me, but one day she knocked on my door and when I went to open the door for her my mom stopped me, told me to be quiet, and then we watched her from the window until she left. That happened for a few more days until she stopped coming. I don't remember exactly what happened afterwards but she put me on this online school called Keystone which is what I still go to, I think at first she was schooling me directly, but she started getting jobs that required more of her time, and she started giving me notes telling me to do my lessons while she was gone, which didn't happen since at that point I was already a mouth-breathing troglodyte who hunched over a computer all day and jerked it to anime. She obviously got disappointed with me when I didn't do my work, but I didn't really care. And there were periods where she started getting on top of things, setting down things I was going to do that day and sat next to me making sure I did it and guiding me through it (not like, showing me all the answers and shit, but telling me what I had to do and making me read through and figure it out myself; you know, like a school), which is when I actually got some shit done, but they were few and far between and really only lasted a few days at most. [quote]Doing what, Khan Academy? No. It's there as a learning tool only - which is why I'd also recommend going back to public school and getting in remedial programs / summer school.[/quote] The school I go to, Keystone, is actually apparently a really good one, like you can get into any college in the country if you graduate from it. So I'm thinking maybe I should stick with it, but I have no idea how long it'll take me to finish it, I'm basically still at square one here.

[QUOTE=roman117;51722354]I went to public elementary school until I graduated 5th grade, afterwards I went to some therapy summer camps. As for the reason why, long story short: I had a crush on this girl in my class but when I told her how I felt she didn't reciprocate, so I fucking lost it and started throwing tantrums in class and threatening to kill myself and other students. Kept going until the very last day of school, although I technically got pulled out the day before school ended so I didn't get to see my friends that last day. At the summer camp the therapists asked me, a ten year old boy, if I wanted to become homeschooled, which was basically the equivalent of asking if I wanted to stay home and play video games all day so of course I said yes. At first, my fifth grade teacher came over to my house and taught me, but one day she knocked on my door and when I went to open the door for her my mom stopped me, told me to be quiet, and then we watched her from the window until she left. That happened for a few more days until she stopped coming. I don't remember exactly what happened afterwards but she put me on this online school called Keystone which is what I still go to, I think at first she was schooling me directly, but she started getting jobs that required more of her time, and she started giving me notes telling me to do my lessons while she was gone, which didn't happen since at that point I was already a mouth-breathing troglodyte who hunched over a computer all day and jerked it to anime. The school I go to, Keystone, is actually apparently a really good one, like you can get into any college in the country if you graduate from it. So I'm thinking maybe I should stick with it, but I have no idea how long it'll take me to finish it, I'm basically still at square one here.[/QUOTE] You should still talk to your public schools about remedial programs and summer school - you should be able to still do keystone at the same time. I have a pretty big problem with how your parents handled this. From what I'm reading it looks like your mom actively sabotaged your education. [QUOTE]At first, my fifth grade teacher came over to my house and taught me, but one day she knocked on my door and when I went to open the door for her my mom stopped me, told me to be quiet, and then we watched her from the window until she left. That happened for a few more days until she stopped coming.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE]she started getting jobs that required more of her time, and she started giving me notes telling me to do my lessons while she was gone, which didn't happen since at that point I was already a mouth-breathing troglodyte who hunched over a computer all day and jerked it to anime.[/QUOTE] ^^ not okay at all. So what you decide to do is up to you. But here is my opinion on the matter: If you stick with Keystone (and you claim to be 8 years behind) you probably won't graduate. Your environment hasn't changed, you still use the computer in your room alone (leading to urges for jerking off/doing something else then your schoolwork). More importantly, it sounds like you don't have many IRL friends and your only contact IRL is your parents. I could be wrong of course, but if that is the case then you've had serious emotional harm from being isolated like that. Going to public school would: A) Be a new environment. B) Have constant social interaction C) Not be in front of a computer all day. D) Have an actual teacher. You could always graduate HS and then go back to keystone. It's up to you, but if you're eight years behind because of online school I don't see keystone working out. I also have a large issue with how your parents handled your suicidal thoughts. You should have seen a psychologist - not a therapist. Did you ever get on meds or therapy outside of the summer camp? If not your parents intentionally neglected you.

[QUOTE=roman117;51722148]So I came to the realization today that I have no future. I'm homeschooled. I take online classes that I'm supposed to do myself. For the past 8 years, I've been homeschooled, and have supposed to have been doing lessons every day. But instead, I sat on my ass every day on the computer, jerking off and playing video games without a care in the world, and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. I just turned 18, and only now am I realizing that there is no way I can catch up. Pretty soon all of my friends will be graduating high school and going off to college, but me? I have 8 fucking years to make up for. Unless I can kick my was into high gear and stop being so lazy (which won't happen) and maybe get into college by the time I'm 25, then I will be left behind as my friends go on to college with their whole lives ahead of them, including my crush and girl of my dreams who I will never be able to see because she'll be off in college with guys who aren't total deadbeats like me, even if I do ask her out and start dating her it won't matter because once she gets into college she'll have crowds of guys lining up to stick their dicks in her due to the fact that she is objectively model-quality beautiful (like she has the kind of face you'd see on a beauty magazine), and I won't be able to do shit about it. I threw my fucking life away just so I could play video games and watch dumbass youtube videos for 8 years straight. I have no future to speak of. All of my friends will abandon me and leave me in the dust and I'll still be here beating off and feeling sorry to myself and I will be alone forever. There is no more fucking point to going on. This is it. This is the end. I made my bed and now I have to fucking lie in it. I ruined my own life by being a lazy asshole and now I have no future and no reason to continue. Who knows, maybe I can get my GED and settle going to community college and be stuck with a dead end job and no girlfriend until I eventually kill myself anyway. Or I can save myself the trouble and do it now.[/QUOTE] I was in your shoes two years ago and I had given up. I very nearly killed myself. But please don't give up hope just yet. You still have time to grow, just keep looking forward and keep moving step after step. I know it can be hard to take those steps but believe me, it gets easier after the first one. There's still hope. Trust me man there really is. I believe in you and I'll continue to do so until you can believe in yourself. I've moved across the country with my closest friends. I just got a new job that's a lot less stressful than my old one. I have plans to get my GED so I can take a CPR course, then a First Responder course so I can see how I like working in EMS. I plan on becoming an EMT and saving peoples lives in a few years. I just want to do a little good in this world. You can do the same too if you keep going at it.

I don't know how long the public school will take me, though. I really don't want to be behind my friends by ~4 years. Plus, Keystone sort of IS a public school, but one that's online. It's supposedly made for kids who move a lot or have parents in the military and thus can't go to a brick and mortar school. It functions like one, too; it's not just a learning tool like Khan, it's a full-blown school with semesters and shit. I do have a good amount of friends though (the ones i'm scared of being abandoned by) as I go to an art class twice a week, and I see them there. They're really the best friends I've ever had, I love them like family, which seriously adds to the pain. [QUOTE=darksoul69;51722426]I also have a large issue with how your parents handled your suicidal thoughts. You should have seen a psychologist - not a therapist. Did you ever get on meds or therapy outside of the summer camp? If not your parents intentionally neglected you.[/QUOTE] I actually was on some form of antidepressant or anxiety drug, but it had a steroid in it that caused me to gain weight and get all chubby. I'm not sure if that stopped or continued after I finished my summer camp, but I do know that I'm not on it anymore and haven't been for many years. Also, I didn't see a psychologist or a therapist, I saw a [i]neurologist[/i], who diagnosed me with... [i]tourrettes[/i], of all things, which I KNOW I don't have. Although apparently he also diagnosed me with Extreme Anxiety Disorder which is fucking spot on, I absolutely have an anxiety disorder; like, the kind that makes you feel constant dread as though you're going to die in a month, gives you panic attacks, shit like that. Then again, everyone in my family has an anxiety disorder, so he probably didn't work very hard in figuring that one out. I haven't been to a doctor since then, though, so I dunno what the fuck my parents are doing. I'll be seeing my GP next Tuesday, which will be the first time I've had a normal checkup at a doctor in like 6 years. Hopefully I can get him to refer me to a psych.

[QUOTE=roman117;51722477]I don't know how long the public school will take me, though. I really don't want to be behind my friends by ~4 years. Plus, Keystone sort of IS a public school, but one that's online. It's supposedly made for kids who move a lot or have parents in the military and thus can't go to a brick and mortar school. It functions like one, too; it's not just a learning tool like Khan, it's a full-blown school with semesters and shit. I do have a good amount of friends though (the ones i'm scared of being abandoned by) as I go to an art class twice a week, and I see them there. They're really the best friends I've ever had, I love them like family, which seriously adds to the pain. I actually was on some form of antidepressant or anxiety drug, but it had a steroid in it that caused me to gain weight and get all chubby. I'm not sure if that stopped or continued after I finished my summer camp, but I do know that I'm not on it anymore and haven't been for many years. Also, I didn't see a psychologist or a therapist, I saw a [I]neurologist[/I], who diagnosed me with... [I]tourrettes[/I], of all things, which I KNOW I don't have. Although apparently he also diagnosed me with Extreme Anxiety Disorder which is fucking spot on, I absolutely have an anxiety disorder; like, the kind that makes you feel constant dread as though you're going to die in a month, gives you panic attacks, shit like that. Then again, everyone in my family has an anxiety disorder, so he probably didn't work very hard in figuring that one out. I haven't been to a doctor since then, though, so I dunno what the fuck my parents are doing. I'll be seeing my GP next Tuesday, which will be the first time I've had a normal checkup at a doctor in like 6 years. Hopefully I can get him to refer me to a psych.[/QUOTE] Make sure you mention your learning issues/etc with the psych. My understanding is 21 or 22. You would need to ask your HS over the phone to know for sure how long they will give you. Again, the problem with keystone has less to do with it being an actual school and more to do with your environment, etc. I think a public school with remedial programs and tutoring plus Khan Academy would be enough for you to graduate by 21. Interestingly, anxiety disorders and depression can be a symptom of ADHD/ADD. I'm not trying to say you have that - because I'm not a psychiatrist - but I wouldn't rule out the possibility. ADHD/ADD can be extremely noticeable in people and it can be difficult if not impossible to spot in some people.

i actually like this program i'm in. i think it's helping my depression

I don't know if I'm taking this too seriously of if I'm grasping straws to let me go back to drinking heavily again. So my parents went on a trip out of town for four days. For all those days they said they would be home Sunday afternoon for dinner. They've always asked me why I never cook meals for them even though I live downstairs and having heard that when they visited my sister they were served homecooked chinese food I took the initiative to have food on the table for them when they got home. The house was cleaned, the kitchen was cleaned, I bought $40 in preseasoned ribs, I got everything all setup and restocked the vending machine with my dad's favourite beer. Once the oven was hot but before I slipped the food in I called my parents to make sure they were just over an hour away and still on time. They were not. They were still four hours away. They have no problems making it to dinners at my sisters place but when it comes to making it home after promising they would be back on time they suddenly can't make that commitment. The oven was turned off, the uncooked ribs were wrapped and put in the freezer. I grabbed some chicken strips and a micky of vodka and retreated to my room. Supposedly they were home by 9 but I never heard them come in because I had passed out.

[QUOTE=pentium;51723328]I don't know if I'm taking this too seriously of if I'm grasping straws to let me go back to drinking heavily again. So my parents went on a trip out of town for four days. For all those days they said they would be home Sunday afternoon for dinner. They've always asked me why I never cook meals for them even though I live downstairs and having heard that when they visited my sister they were served homecooked chinese food I took the initiative to have food on the table for them when they got home. The house was cleaned, the kitchen was cleaned, I bought $40 in preseasoned ribs, I got everything all setup and restocked the vending machine with my dad's favourite beer. Once the oven was hot but before I slipped the food in I called my parents to make sure they were just over an hour away and still on time. They were not. They were still four hours away. They have no problems making it to dinners at my sisters place but when it comes to making it home after promising they would be back on time they suddenly can't make that commitment. The oven was turned off, the uncooked ribs were wrapped and put in the freezer. I grabbed some chicken strips and a micky of vodka and retreated to my room. Supposedly they were home by 9 but I never heard them come in because I had passed out.[/QUOTE] I think you overreacting. Just ask them why they didn't come earlier and call it a day. Also you can drink, but don't overdo it.

Doc prescribed me some SSRI, Lexapro to be specific. Or at least the equivalent in the country since they're named differently. Don't know what to do with this shit. Heard it can cause nausea as a side-effect, if it's the case i will throw this shit in the garbage as we speak.

Developed a crush on a friend I've known for over a year recently. She has a boyfriend who I'm friends with and they love each other...yada, yada, yada... She's a great conversationalist, gets my sense of humor, and we talked often last semester while her bf was studying abroad. We bonded over our respective experiences being in college with ADHD. We danced together at a formal dance once and studied for an hour during finals week. Over break, I realized I had a crush on her and now I can't get over her. I worry I'll never find someone who clicks like we do and this isn't helping my already poorly medicated depression.

I really don't like how I'm such an introvert, I want to meet people but I just don't go out and do it

[QUOTE=kijji;51725167]I really don't like how I'm such an introvert, I want to meet people but I just don't go out and do it[/QUOTE] I find singing at talent shows helps me be less introverted. I always feel self conscious at first but after going up a few times I'm less nervous.

Up to about October 2016 or so I had this nonchalant unbreakable optimism about pretty much everything in life, which thus far has been replaced with utter confusion and uncertainty. I am going through a wildly intense spiritual experience which may result in a complete death of my current sense of identity. I just wanted to say that if I somehow do not make it through this or get obliterated, I thank all of facepunch for being around these 10 years of my life, I never anticipated to end up with this stuff to such a serious degree. I should have probably appreciated everything in my life a lot more while it lasted, I have no idea what is about to happen next. I should have been a lot more thankful for the relative security and lighthearted nature of this decade, I should have cherished everything more. I have no idea what I did to deserve this nor do I have any idea why I am going through this, all I wanted from life was to do some silly creative projects on my computer. I had the delusional audacity to presume that fixing things through spiritual approaches was somehow a good idea, not fully realizing the prices that you have to pay for it. I feel like a delusional child playing with matches, and I am terribly sorry for everything, why couldn’t I have just stayed content and blissfully ignorant with the way of life that I had before? Maybe I will wake up from a coma or wake up from this life as if it was some kind of a fever dream. Maybe I will wake up 10 years ago as a 13 year old boy again and then live a happy fulfilling life of creativity, and have none of this shit ever happen. Maybe I will wake up to a world that is not a dysfunctional broken mess, to a world where the majority of human beings are happy and satisfied instead of the other way around. I really do not understand why this place is so retarded and shitty, and why I can’t just be consistently creative with things that I care about without having the obligation of essentially fucking dying for it, not even knowing if I will still even care on the other side, assuming that there is an other side and that I am not just committing some kind of an elaborate form of suicide at the moment. I do not understand why I can’t just be happy with working at a random shitty job and just be content with life, or why my curiosity has led me down this path. I do not understand why I have to be afraid of death and mortality, and why I thought that doing this was going to make me get over that fear. I fucking hate the fact that human beings have to age and deal with disgusting revelations as we get older, or why we can’t just stay at an age or at an experience that we desire instead of having the obligation of staring the grim reaper in the face as soon as we pass through adolescence. Why does death have to exist? Why do things die? For animals it sort of makes sense, but for human beings it just seems like unnecessary punishment. Why can’t humanity just be a nice or mostly nice place? I am not even going to say that my life has hit rock bottom because I do not even know what this place is called. Maybe I should just fucking kill myself while I still have a grip upon my current sense of sanity, my life the way it was before is fucking over anyway, this process is completely irreversible and I can’t just backtrack anymore. I’m sorry that there are so many depressed people in this thread, you do not need any of this bullshit.

I just have to vent for a bit I've recently realized that I'm not able to go through a college run without totally losing interest in the subject or flunking out. I haven't opened a schoolbook in almost four months and I'm really struggling with insecurity because of my brothers high performance in school. My mom and dad is going to be incredibly disappointed in me, but I can't continue pretending like I'm someone I'm not. I've tried three different courses in four years, and I've never made it past the first year. this year I'm flunking out of nursing, so fuck it. Some good friends of mine has started a collective and invited me to live with them. I have to find a job in town and give up on school. Right now I need to spend some time with friends and distance myself from academia. I don't know if I'll ever go back to school, but it doesn't look like I'm getting a higher education. This fucking sucks

losing my job has not been good for me, been feeling extra shitty recently

I really want to vent and just throw words that might seem demotivating to some people, but is actually true at least for me. I'm worried people here might not appreciate what I will say (but no one really ever appreciates anything I do, anyway...) but there really is no one I could talk to anymore. I've lost everyone I care about.. Failure and regret, the two words that make up my life, even that's quite a bit of an understatement. I'm the worst at everything. I no longer have people I care about. I'm quickly becoming less and less meaningful to everyone. I somehow manage to always do before thinking even though I promised myself not to many times before and knowing the consequences but I keep doing it, maybe I'm so fucking stupid not to see a few inches in front of me. I really wish I could just go back and fix things even though it may not fix much, even if just a few months... My future is uncertain and I'm just so fucked up in the head and one day it'll get out of control and I may hurt someone. It's only the beginning of the year and it's already kicking my ass. My life has been going downhill faster ever since. People always told me to hold on, but I can only hold on for so long. I'm tired. I hate my life and myself. I want this to stop. I feel like it's better to fade away rather than continuing this painful reality. The thought of dying excites me at this point and that's what I really want now.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51736720]I really want to vent and just throw words that might seem demotivating to some people, but is actually true at least for me. I'm worried people here might not appreciate what I will say (but no one really ever appreciates anything I do, anyway...) but there really is no one I could talk to anymore. I've lost everyone I care about.. Failure and regret, the two words that make up my life, even that's quite a bit of an understatement. I'm the worst at everything. I no longer have people I care about. I'm quickly becoming less and less meaningful to everyone. I somehow manage to always do before thinking even though I promised myself not to many times before and knowing the consequences but I keep doing it, maybe I'm so fucking stupid not to see a few inches in front of me. I really wish I could just go back and fix things even though it may not fix much, even if just a few months... My future is uncertain and I'm just so fucked up in the head and one day it'll get out of control and I may hurt someone. It's only the beginning of the year and it's already kicking my ass. My life has been going downhill faster ever since. People always told me to hold on, but I can only hold on for so long. I'm tired. I hate my life and myself. I want this to stop. I feel like it's better to fade away rather than continuing this painful reality. The thought of dying excites me at this point and that's what I really want now.[/QUOTE] Thank you for sharing. We've all been there and I can surely say that you matter to your friends and family. It's easy to forget that, but I can assure you that losing you would be devastating to all of them. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes, we all make them. No person is infallible. If you're aware that you're making them then you're on the first step to correcting them and can improve. Keep working at it and keep trying.

I really don't want to talk to my parents Most of the time it feels so awkward. Does anyone else feel this way?

[QUOTE=OrDnAs;51738946]I really don't want to talk to my parents Most of the time it feels so awkward. Does anyone else feel this way?[/QUOTE] Yeah I feel like a lot of people can relate to that. At least partially.

[QUOTE=OrDnAs;51738946]I really don't want to talk to my parents Most of the time it feels so awkward. Does anyone else feel this way?[/QUOTE] I avoid talking to my parents because it tends to devolve into arguments or yelling usually. Speccialy when i come home from nightshifts or work.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;51739326]I avoid talking to my parents because it tends to devolve into arguments or yelling usually. Speccialy when i come home from nightshifts or work.[/QUOTE] I went over a year without saying almost anything to my mother.

[QUOTE=mchapra;51734815]losing my job has not been good for me, been feeling extra shitty recently[/QUOTE] That's tough dude, I lost my job as well. It sucks cos I consider work my anti depressant. How'd the job hunt going?

[QUOTE=OrDnAs;51738946]I really don't want to talk to my parents Most of the time it feels so awkward. Does anyone else feel this way?[/QUOTE] ....... OrDnAs, Sini and DrugUnit. Don't avoid talking with your parents. I don't want to say it, but I will. You will regret it later. Even if they are not perfect, it is better to talk with them and don't think how they will effect you later negatively.

im in love with this girl, she takes all my money, fucks me up, and I keep coming back no matter what but it's worth, she makes me feel better than anything ever could addicted to this shit for life v_v kinda accept it now i <3 dope

[QUOTE=Jagur;51739906]im in love with this girl, she takes all my money, fucks me up, and I keep coming back no matter what but it's worth, she makes me feel better than anything ever could addicted to this shit for life v_v kinda accept it now i <3 dope[/QUOTE] [IMG]https://facepunch.com/image.php?u=291820&dateline=1437624824[/IMG]