Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51739905]....... OrDnAs, Sini and DrugUnit. Don't avoid talking with your parents. I don't want to say it, but I will. You will regret it later. Even if they are not perfect, it is better to talk with them and don't think how they will effect you later negatively.[/QUOTE] I have spoken with 2 psychologists and even went to family therapy with her some years ago. I know it's for the better. I would probably be in even worse state if I didn't avoid talking with her. If I get my own home I'll cut off all ways for her to find me - I don't want to see or hear her ever again.

[QUOTE=Archimedes;51738883] We've all been there and I can surely say that you matter to your friends and family. It's easy to forget that, but I can assure you that losing you would be devastating to all of them.[/QUOTE] Probably but at the same time I would be saving them the pain and disappointment I will present them once I become a jobless, stupid idiot with a dumb stupid past that everyone will keep bringing up. If one they they find out how just fucked up I am as a person inside they will be glad that I'm gone. The world needs good people, a good friend, someone that can do something for other people and the rest of the world, even in the slightest, and I'm none of that. No matter how much I try sometimes I'm still everything that's wrong with the world. Believe it or not, my presence bothers people, if some people believed in me to do something, I'll fail and disappoint them, if they want me to become someone better, I'll fail, If I play a game with them, I'll make everyone lose, it just goes on and I assure you that you will find [B]absolutely no one[/B] that appreciates me or has something good come out of them with my involvement. I'm so lonely and so angry sometimes that one day I might end up killing or raping someone and the thought isn't just passing through my mind, without me these won't happen. My death would be a blessing in disguise. [QUOTE=Archimedes;51738883]Don't beat yourself up over mistakes, we all make them. No person is infallible. If you're aware that you're making them then you're on the first step to correcting them and can improve. Keep working at it and keep trying.[/QUOTE] Doesn't help the fact that no matter how much I know what I did wrong, how much I try to fix it, I keep making them no matter what. Even if I had a second chance I'll keep fucking up. Knowing how to fix a problem is one thing, but if you never get around to actually fixing it, then what's the point?

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51740319]Probably but at the same time I would be saving them the pain and disappointment I will present them once I become a jobless, stupid idiot with a dumb stupid past that everyone will keep bringing up. No matter how much I try sometimes I'm still everything that's wrong with the world. Believe it or not, my presence bothers people, if some people believed in me to do something, I'll fail and disappoint them, if they want me to become someone better, I'll fail, If I play a game with them, I'll make everyone lose, it just goes on and I assure you that you will find [B]absolutely nobody[/B] that appreciates me or has something good come out of them with my involvement. Me being gone is a blessing in disguise.[/QUOTE] Well it's like I say. In the end the only person we can rely on to change our situation is ourselves. Nobody's going to fix our life for us. It's up to us to live the best life we can with what we've been given, even though for most of humanity life is shit.

[QUOTE=Mr. Sarcastic;51740344]Well it's like I say. In the end the only person we can rely on to change our situation is ourselves. Nobody's going to fix our life for us. It's up to us to live the best life we can with what we've been given, even though for most of humanity life is shit.[/QUOTE] I exist and that's as good as it's going to get (if you even consider my presence as something good, which if you know me, isn't) It's better if I just fade away now and stop this never ending pain rather than prolong my useless existence. I'll give more way for people who can do some good.

[QUOTE=Mr. Sarcastic;51740344]Well it's like I say. In the end the only person we can rely on to change our situation is ourselves. Nobody's going to fix our life for us. It's up to us to live the best life we can with what we've been given, even though for most of humanity life is shit.[/QUOTE] Even though it currently feels like i'm dying and that everything is meaningless right now, I always feel grateful for the fact that I am not one of those people who is actually dying right now, or one of those people who is a modern slave, or one of those people who dies at the age of 7. With how mindblowingly fucked up this world is, I should honestly feel honored to be given the chance of conquering my fear of death, and feel honored to have everything that I have been given. I am not entirely sure if I believe in the function of karma or destiny, however over the course of these five years I have definitely come to believe in the notion of specific people having to go through specific experiences whether they like it or not. I wonder how the concept of reincarnation functions, and if you can "earn" a number of good lifetimes after doing some kind of a service in this one. What if all of the famous and successful people are actually those who got to choose a good lifetime after living a particularly fucked up/challenging one? It is entirely possible that time is not a linear construct, and that it is more like an ocean of infinite parallel realities that are capable of existing simultaneously, raising the possibility of a person living through a lifetime in the modern age and then living the next one in a version of Ancient China, except that it's not the version of Ancient China that we know since that one has already "passed" in our timeline. I guess that this is a long way of expressing hope that it does get better eventually. It's absolutely absurd how devoid of practically anything human life can get. Maybe by doing well with this horrifying spiritual shit and conquering its challenges, everything will fall into place in the future. Maybe i will get a greater quantity of freedom into crafting my life into something that I always wanted. I am also willing to still believe in the nightmare hypothesis. Maybe it's entirely my fault that the world is this way and that if I do the right set of steps, time will reverse itself and have the world be corrected into something much better than what we have now. Maybe I accidentally started playing a game of Jumanji and that I have to finish playing it to have everything return to normal. In other words, eat your school, go to drugs, and don't do vegetables.

i dunno how much longer i can last like this

I am currently resitting my spring module of my final year in university (studying psychology, how fucking ironic right) This time last year, I was in deep depression. I tried to commit suicide, my doctor almost had me taken in (I begged, and I begged for them not to do that as I live away from my parents they would inevitably had to inform someone). I agreed to come see her (she wasn't even a psychologist, she was just a regular doctor who I went to after the attempt coz it left me feeling kinda shitty physically). I visited regularly. She had my liver checked, bloods checked. Everything came out OK, thankfully. Aside from a little caution about my liver and iron tablets coz I'm anaemic, physically OK. She also prescribed me antidepressants (setraline or called Zoloft in the US I believe) Antidepressants started to mess with my sleep. I would sleep at a normal time (around 11pm) and wake up at 2am thinking I had a full night's sleep. My mind would be totally awake and I couldn't fall asleep. This left me tired during the day. As expected, it affected my studies. I also developed an eating disorder. I shed 20lbs in only 2 months (I was healthy weight to begin with so it was a big change) It took some courage to admit to my university that I wasn't doing so well. They were supportive. I cried in the teacher's lounge whilst talking to them (embarrassing). They let me sit out the semester. Luckily I documented everything (even the letter from Psychiatric unit from my attempted suicide). This meant they let me resit everything without penalty to my grade. Fast forward to this year. At this point, I had weaned myself off antidepressants after being on it for about 6 months. I felt OK and on the top of my game for about 4 months. Until... the semester I had to resit has started again. Waves of what I felt last time came flooding back and I felt crippled with the fear of failing one more time. My lovely doctor is unreachable as I had moved out of my previous home last summer. I dont know what to do. I dont want to go back to antidepressants. I realised also my eating disorder has come back to haunt me. I avoided eating until dinner. Then I puked up my dinner twice this week anyway and it felt totally normal. It's not normal. I live with my BF now. It's making my old depressive tendencies harder to fall back into, which is nice. But I am still able to hide my purging from him. I still feel really helpless so idk.

[QUOTE=Jagur;51739906]im in love with this girl, she takes all my money, fucks me up, and I keep coming back no matter what but it's worth, she makes me feel better than anything ever could addicted to this shit for life v_v kinda accept it now i <3 dope[/QUOTE]Heroin?

-meh-

Really need to vent about stuff, sorry in advance. It's been a very long time since I've felt this depressed. I feel so empty and tired and I dunno how much longer I can handle feeling like this. There's this big heavy fog of sadness and fury just clouding everything around me that I can't really seem to avoid due to just how tumultuous shit has become around the world, and especially here given all the politics. I'm not much of a political person in general because of this kinda thing, so I usually try to avoid it all. That's been near impossible though lately as you can probably imagine. I feel so fucking miserable. Also been feeling immensely lonely and sad too. I was in my first real relationship with a person I love very much that I met online, but we unfortunately had to break up cuz neither of us were able to really handle not being able to see eachother in person, since we both live very far away from eachother and would likely require years of saving up and planning to meet up in person. I've been really lonely since then and I'm not having any luck at all finding anyone else. It's occurred to me just how weird and ugly I am, so it really feels like I'm not gonna find anyone else. Why would anyone want anything to do with me, you know? Fortunately, I'm at least doing better in college this time around than I did last semester, and I have a very clear understanding of where I wanna go in life, so it's really just my personal life that's being a fucking mess right now. I don't really know how to conclude this kinda thing but, if you read it all thank you for doing so. I hope everyone who's been feeling like shit lately in here finds better times soon

can't stop feeling hatred m8tred

I HATE BEING THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO THE WORLD. I HATE BEING TERRIBLY WORST AT EVERYTHING THERE IS TO BE WORST AT. I HATE FAILING EVERYTHING. I HATE BOTHERING PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH I NEVER INTENT TO. I HATE MY FUCKING EXISTENCE. I CAN'T LAST MUCH LONGER LIKE THIS. Good news everyone, I think I'm going to do it pretty soon. No one will no longer be bothered by what I do. No one will get pissed off because of me anymore. No one will get hurt because of me anymore. The world will become a better place Now some of you may object. I don't know about you, but I'm trying to make the world a better place and getting rid of me is a step closer towards it. Celebrate once i get around to do it.

starting to feel a lot better, im glad my program is helping me. im becoming a lot more social than i used to be

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51744265]I HATE BEING THE WORST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO THE WORLD. I HATE BEING TERRIBLY WORST AT EVERYTHING THERE IS TO BE WORST AT. I HATE FAILING EVERYTHING. I HATE BOTHERING PEOPLE EVEN THOUGH I NEVER INTENT TO. I HATE MY FUCKING EXISTENCE. I CAN'T LAST MUCH LONGER LIKE THIS. Good news everyone, I think I'm going to do it pretty soon. No one will no longer be bothered by what I do. No one will get pissed off because of me anymore. No one will get hurt because of me anymore. The world will become a better place Now some of you may object. I don't know about you, but I'm trying to make the world a better place and getting rid of me is a step closer towards it. Celebrate once i get around to do it.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry, but this is absolutely not right and I think on some level you have to know that. "Making the world a better place"? Really? Unless you're like, a serial killer or something, you aren't gonna be anywhere near bad enough a person where your death somehow makes things better. Despite what you've said in previous posts, killing yourself does not open up anything good for others. No one is gonna celebrate. The world will not be better for it. All it does is ensure those who care about you are gonna have a hole in their heart forever where you should have been. No amount of mistakes you could ever make really will ever add up to making your existence not worth while. Change is hard, and it can take a very long time to make it happen, but if you're genuinely trying, then results or not, you're fine. You're trying to be good. You're trying to do good things, and that's all anyone can ask of you. Please stop thinking that death is the right answer, cuz it never is. Don't make the same mistake that I nearly made.

[QUOTE=HWECQI;51745368]I'm sorry, but this is absolutely not right and I think on some level you have to know that. "Making the world a better place"? Really? Unless you're like, a serial killer or something, you aren't gonna be anywhere near bad enough a person where your death somehow makes things better. Despite what you've said in previous posts, killing yourself does not open up anything good for others. No one is gonna celebrate. The world will not be better for it. All it does is ensure those who care about you are gonna have a hole in their heart forever where you should have been. No amount of mistakes you could ever make really will ever add up to making your existence not worth while. Change is hard, and it can take a very long time to make it happen, but if you're genuinely trying, then results or not, you're fine. You're trying to be good. You're trying to do good things, and that's all anyone can ask of you. Please stop thinking that death is the right answer, cuz it never is. Don't make the same mistake that I nearly made.[/QUOTE] Trust me, even they really know what my thoughts are deep inside, they would be glad I'm gone. It wouldn't carve a hole in their heart, it'll be warmer for them. Everybody is already looking at me as a dumb freak anyway. I did absolutely nothing good other than being a nuisance to everybody. What's the point of change if it would probably take 30 or 40 years to do? I'm already slow at everything I do, learning, exercising, etc. I have lost all motivation to even go on and try to change and that change wouldn't last long for me to see and enjoy. Knowing how to do something at 40 years when everybody can do it at 10 is not worth the effort. I'm actually very excited about my death. It would feel like I'm going to have an eternal, peaceful sleep. I want know what it's like to not exist, to not feel sad everyday, to not have my depression, ADHD, bipolarity, inferiority complex, no stupidity. No more worries, no stress, no fear of any of my problems. Most importantly, I won't have to become my useless, pathetic, dumb, self ever again. Truly a win-win for everybody, even me.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51745895]Trust me, even they really know what my thoughts are deep inside, they would be glad I'm gone. It wouldn't carve a hole in their heart, it'll be warmer for them. Everybody is already looking at me as a dumb freak anyway. I did absolutely nothing good other than being a nuisance to everybody. What's the point of change if it would probably take 30 or 40 years to do? I'm already slow at everything I do, learning, exercising, etc. I have lost all motivation to even go on and try to change and that change wouldn't last long for me to see and enjoy. Knowing how to do something at 40 years when everybody can do it at 10 is not worth the effort. I'm actually very excited about my death. It would feel like I'm going to have an eternal, peaceful sleep. I want know what it's like to not exist, to not feel sad everyday, to not have my depression, ADHD, bipolarity, inferiority complex, no stupidity. No more worries, no stress, no fear of any of my problems. Most importantly, I won't have to become my useless, pathetic, dumb, self ever again. Truly a win-win for everybody, even me.[/QUOTE] Mate it can't be that gloomy. I was once like you, but even I- the dumbfuck that I am tbh- managed to pull through that awful time and managed to stay somewhat sane. Please, just stick with it for longer. I know that it's god damn awful, but it's worth it.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51745895]Trust me, even they really know what my thoughts are deep inside, they would be glad I'm gone. It wouldn't carve a hole in their heart, it'll be warmer for them. Everybody is already looking at me as a dumb freak anyway. I did absolutely nothing good other than being a nuisance to everybody. What's the point of change if it would probably take 30 or 40 years to do? I'm already slow at everything I do, learning, exercising, etc. I have lost all motivation to even go on and try to change and that change wouldn't last long for me to see and enjoy. Knowing how to do something at 40 years when everybody can do it at 10 is not worth the effort. I'm actually very excited about my death. It would feel like I'm going to have an eternal, peaceful sleep. I want know what it's like to not exist, to not feel sad everyday, to not have my depression, ADHD, bipolarity, inferiority complex, no stupidity. No more worries, no stress, no fear of any of my problems. Most importantly, I won't have to become my useless, pathetic, dumb, self ever again. Truly a win-win for everybody, even me.[/QUOTE] Have you ever actually asked those people, or are you just so obsessed with how much you hate yourself that you're assuming what they feel? It sucks that you are slow with things, but that hardly makes you a nuisance and you are hardly the only person who's ever had to deal with something like that. Everyone's life goes at their own pace, and you gain nothing by comparing yourself to others in this manner. People think you're weird? So what? Everyone's weird, and it's okay. Even if you do some especially weird things, if it's not hurting anyone then you're fine. People think you're dumb? They're probably dumber for being so judgmental and I'm sure they're stupid in their own ways too. From personal experience, suicide doesn't really make you feel any kind of relief. It's just horrifying. You aren't even gonna feel any real sense of relief or piece because you literally won't feel anything anymore. You completely choke out any chance of things being better for you, or any positive experiences you can have. I was fortunate that my attempt didn't succeed, but not everyone can be so lucky when they go off that end. I really don't want you to do such a thing to yourself. It's not a win win for everyone. It's a zero-sum game that at best leaves you feeling absolutely nothing, and at worst makes everyone around you even more miserable than you feel.

is it uncommon to have both auditory and visual hallucinations? my psychiatrist thinks these were triggered for me by my heavy drinking in the past

[QUOTE=HWECQI;51745970]Have you ever actually asked those people, or are you just so obsessed with how much you hate yourself that you're assuming what they feel? It sucks that you are slow with things, but that hardly makes you a nuisance and you are hardly the only person who's ever had to deal with something like that. Everyone's life goes at their own pace, and you gain nothing by comparing yourself to others in this manner. People think you're weird? So what? Everyone's weird, and it's okay. Even if you do some especially weird things, if it's not hurting anyone then you're fine. People think you're dumb? They're probably dumber for being so judgmental and I'm sure they're stupid in their own ways too. From personal experience, suicide doesn't really make you feel any kind of relief. It's just horrifying. You aren't even gonna feel any real sense of relief or piece because you literally won't feel anything anymore. You completely choke out any chance of things being better for you, or any positive experiences you can have. I was fortunate that my attempt didn't succeed, but not everyone can be so lucky when they go off that end. I really don't want you to do such a thing to yourself. It's not a win win for everyone. It's a zero-sum game that at best leaves you feeling absolutely nothing, and at worst makes everyone around you even more miserable than you feel.[/QUOTE] I pay very close attention to people who I meet, work with and so on. When I first attended middle school, I made a bad first impression of myself, people look at me as an idiot, a mentally confused, lost idiot. No one would talk to me at school, they throw words at me, etc. I try to improve myself but only by a slightest. I make a mistake then everyone would turn their heads away from me again. I promised myself to improve and not make a bad first impression again once I get to high school, new people. But as much as I promised myself not to, no matter how much I try not to, I made an idiot of myself, don't ask me why I don't fucking know maybe it's just me. Until this day people see me as nothing but a fucking joke, nothing more. I do something wrong, even at the slightest, and they all berate me to no end. Nobody ever really treats me as a person, just someone they can laugh at and if I die they'll probably breath a sigh of relief. Sure, if I look sad and all they would probably try to say nice words to me, but in front of other people, who wouldn't? If it was anywhere else, they'd start laughing to no end. My slower pace with everything has really bothered everyone. Schoolmates with studying and activities, friends with talking and gaming, and it's not just a slight bother, it really affected me and them. Sure, everyone has their own pace but mine's so slow that it's not normal nor acceptable. I could be learning how to do a simple thing for years and years and some people would already become used to it in their childhood. What's going to keep me going through all those years to learn a simple thing while everybody else had already known how to do it quickly, especially if there are dozens of other things to do too? It's weird to see an old, ugly looking man at school because he keeps falling while millions of students are graduating. The thing is, I'm weird in a way that I would probably get so desperate soon that I might hurt lots of people. I'm the dumb one here, everyone's right and I don't know and can't improve myself for them. If you didn't know me here and you meet me in real life at work or at school you'd probably think the same as them. I'm just mentally retarded. I've read, my personality isn't normal nor accepted by the public, at least others know how to interact with society normally and know what to see as good or bad, ugly or nice. Suicide, for people who's unfixable at this point, like me, would probably be the most relieving thing. Horrifying, missing out a chance to be better, as impossible as it seems? Nope. I would not feel regret nor sadness, which I already have now, so it doesn't matter. I don't think there will ever be a chance for me to get better anymore. I've had this pain for many years and no matter how much I try to improve it life is still going downhill. It feels like I'm falling through an bottomless pit, just waiting until I reach down to my inevitable end. There are moments in between where it looks like there's a very little glimmer of hope, but every single one of those is just something that life does to make me feel like everything is going to be alright, but then knocks me down again, making me feel even worse since I let my guard down from any bad things happening. Killing myself It'll would rid me from any more sadness, disabilities, stress and regret, which is important.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51749878]I pay very close attention to people who I meet, work with and so on. When I first attended middle school, I made a bad first impression of myself, people look at me as an idiot, a mentally confused, lost idiot. No one would talk to me at school, they throw words at me, etc. I try to improve myself but only by a slightest. I make a mistake then everyone would turn their heads away from me again. I promised myself to improve and not make a bad first impression again once I get to high school, new people. But as much as I promised myself not to, no matter how much I try not to, I made an idiot of myself, don't ask me why I don't fucking know maybe it's just me. Until this day people see me as nothing but a fucking joke, nothing more. I do something wrong, even at the slightest, and they all berate me to no end. Nobody ever really treats me as a person, just someone they can laugh at and if I die they'll probably breath a sigh of relief. Sure, if I look sad and all they would probably try to say nice words to me, but in front of other people, who wouldn't? If it was anywhere else, they'd start laughing to no end. My slower pace with everything has really bothered everyone. Schoolmates with studying and activities, friends with talking and gaming, and it's not just a slight bother, it really affected me and them. Sure, everyone has their own pace but mine's so slow that it's not normal nor acceptable. I could be learning how to do a simple thing for years and years and some people would already become used to it in their childhood. What's going to keep me going through all those years to learn a simple thing while everybody else had already known how to do it quickly, especially if there are dozens of other things to do too? It's weird to see an old, ugly looking man at school because he keeps falling while millions of students are graduating. The thing is, I'm weird in a way that I would probably get so desperate soon that I might hurt lots of people. I'm the dumb one here, everyone's right and I don't know and can't improve myself for them. If you didn't know me here and you meet me in real life at work or at school you'd probably think the same as them. I'm just mentally retarded. I've read, my personality isn't normal nor accepted by the public, at least others know how to interact with society normally and know what to see as good or bad, ugly or nice. Suicide, for people who's unfixable at this point, like me, would probably be the most relieving thing. Horrifying, missing out a chance to be better, as impossible as it seems? Nope. I would not feel regret nor sadness, which I already have now, so it doesn't matter. I don't think there will ever be a chance for me to get better anymore. I've had this pain for many years and no matter how much I try to improve it life is still going downhill. It feels like I'm falling through an bottomless pit, just waiting until I reach down to my inevitable end. There are moments in between where it looks like there's a very little glimmer of hope, but every single one of those is just something that life does to make me feel like everything is going to be alright, but then knocks me down again, making me feel even worse since I let my guard down from any bad things happening. Killing myself It'll would rid me from any more sadness, disabilities, stress and regret, which is important.[/QUOTE] You are not the first person to go through being bullied in school for things you did early on. I definitely experienced something very similar cuz back in school I was incredibly awkward socially, and I also had a major problem with masturbation addiction, so that kinda lead to like 8 years of being called a fat weirdo faggot who jerked off too much. Most people saw me as an idiot weirdo and often wanted almost nothing to do with me. Here's the thing though, as awful as that is, no one really hates you or wants you to die. They're being gigantic assholes, for sure, but frankly in middle school that's the age when people tend to be the shittiest. And frankly, you can pay attention all you want, but if you already have a heavy bias against yourself as a person, you're gonna find every reason you can to think they hate you, even if that's not really the case. So, you kinda have to talk to people to get a better idea of what they truly believe. But, who cares what they think, honestly? You certainly should not. I know that's a very hard thing to buy, but you wouldn't believe how little a lot of that stuff in middle school matters later on. Your personality being abnormal or different is not enough grounds to assume you have no reason to live, or that no one wants you to live. I'm in college and I'm going to classes with a man in his 80s that's going into the same level of math that I am, and he's having trouble with a lot of simple things that are just straight up normal to me. But neither I or anyone in my class are thinking anything poor of the man, because he's trying. He's trying to learn, so it doesn't mean anything bad about him. I can't tell you what to do with your life sadly, so if you genuinely wanna ignore everything I'm saying here and just off yourself, I can't do much about that. But I really really really really really do not want you to do that, and I'm sure there are plenty of people in your life or on here who feel the same way. Suicide is never an answer for anything and I feel like you completely ignored my whole paragraph about it. I'm telling you from experience, it's incredibly hard to do, and you feel way worse for it rather than any kind of relief. I was fortunate that I failed at it, but that bit of horror when I thought I wasn't gonna make it was the worst thing in the world. Please don't do this to yourself.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51749004]is it uncommon to have both auditory and visual hallucinations? my psychiatrist thinks these were triggered for me by my heavy drinking in the past[/QUOTE] Polymodal hallucinations (multiple forms of hallucinations) arent as uncommon as you think, but they're usually, as mentioned by your psychiatrist, connected to some specific causes. If you've been laying off the bottle I have no doubt those hallucinations were a result of delirium tremens from alcohol withdrawal.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51749878]quotes[/QUOTE] Take a break from seeing all of these negatives and think about the other side of the coin. You're still alive, surely there's a bit of hope in you that you'll get better? Surely you want to live a life where you're happy and satisfied? I wouldn't believe you if you said no since you're still alive so I believe there's still something in you that wants that. You believe you're unfixable but you're not. What you're saying is just a way to make suicide more reasonable and justified, which does make you unfixable. I don't know how old you are but I'm assuming you're not any older than 20. You've only lived 1/4 of your life, the "many years" you mention are just a drop in the ocean when compared to how long you'll live. Is it really that good of an idea to fuck up all chances for the future you who could have figured out life?

I feel like there's nothing left. I have a job, I can afford to live and eat. But no friends, relationships, family. Everytime I try to get close to someone they don't like me so I just choose to be alone. I wish I was likeable and wish there was more. I'm almost 30 and I just feel like this is a good place to "stop"

Where do you work? And by no family do you mean you don't have contact with them or that they're not alive, or what?

There is no longer a reason to sleep.

The strongest argument against suicide is the incredibly high likelihood of failing to kill yourself and ending up in a situation worse than death. If you think the only thing worse than being dead is your life right now, "Johnny Got His Gun" will show you why you're wrong.

I'm surprised that with the Bob Ross image in the OP there isn't a link to the [URL="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxcnsr1R5Ge_fbTu5ajt8DQ"]Bob Ross Youtube channel[/URL]. All the episodes of The Joy of Painting are available free there. They never fail to let me unclutter my thoughts and re-evaluated everything with a clear mind.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51749878]Long post[/QUOTE] Lots of people have problems in school. You just don't know it because they don't show it in public... this is especially true for college. Everyone learns at their own pace. If you're slower then other people, it's no big deal. And based on how well written your post is I would not call you mentally retarded. You may be challenged in some areas but you are by no means stupid. And you think your pace is slow?? In seventh grade I couldn't do basic multiplication. Period. Every time I tried learning in class I couldn't focus on the subject or comprehend the process involved in how the equation was done. And I was too nervous to ask the teacher for help. I started using Khan Academy and relearned math from the literal ground up. There are days where I can instantly grasp a new concept and understand it and then there are days where I watch the same video over and over again for hours with no understanding and get it the next day, or the day after. Math is amazing. I love doing it and it's fun. Recently I went on a little crusade and got whatever records I could find. I've discovered that three different agencies all suspected that I had ADHD - from as early as 1996 to 2002. My doctor even had "I suspect questionable ADHD" in his notes. For whatever reason, my parents never tested me. I'm scheduled to get tested at some point this month. Suicide isn't the answer for your issues. I became an organ donor at 5 despite my fathers protests. My first attempt was when I was 2-3 years old, another at 6-7 and another at 10-11. But at the end of the day it's your life and this is a forum. The only thing we can do is recommend against it.

I kinda wonder if I've gone from being an introvert to an extrovert. I've noticed that I'm more miserable when I spend a lot of time alone which was my normal way of destressing. Is such a thing possible without considerable effort?

[QUOTE=Archimedes;51753925]I kinda wonder if I've gone from being an introvert to an extrovert. I've noticed that I'm more miserable when I spend a lot of time alone which was my normal way of destressing. Is such a thing possible without considerable effort?[/QUOTE] Totally possible. Social stamina isn't a set thing, it's fluid depending on age, health, environment, etc. You may just be at a point in your life where socializing is a lot more desirable than being alone. Nothing wrong with that.