Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Switched to generic SSRI's, and I'm kinda experiencing light withdrawal [I]and[/I] the effects of starting new medication. I cried because a girl didn't message me yesterday and then got super pissed at myself. Fuck this transition period. At least I'm aware of my actions and can realize that I'm emotionally compromised because fuck me.

Huh, I think I found a term for my massive dislike for low, bassy sounds. There's something out there called [URL="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia"]misophonia[/URL] which literally means hatred of sound. I react very, very poorly to music if I can only hear the subwoofer, especially if its coming through a wall. It makes me unreasonably mad to the point where I'll flip out and personally attack whoever is causing it or straight up leave my own home until it's gone. I'm so sensitive to it that I'll react every now and then even when there's no low, bassy sound coming from anywhere but my own imagination. It causes anxiety since I'm always anticipating more sounds even when there are none. It was very difficult for my family to always have to think of me whenever they wanted to do anything involving sound since they knew I'd be mad if I heard the TV upstairs or if I heard my brother or sister playing music. I thought I had escaped all that when I moved but I still hear the landlords using something bassy every now and then. I assume it's the TV. It wouldn't be right to tell them to fuck off since I know I'm very irrational but it still bothers me so much. You can barely hear it and yet its enough to cause me to see black and get violent. No one has understood why I react as strongly as I do and neither have I, I just get really aggressive for some weird reason.

The only reason I get depressed is because I miss her and it hurts we haven't spoken in a long time. I really want to know how she's doing.

-snip-

I don't have anything to do this weekend. Loneliness is terrible but there's not like I can do anything about it. Maybe one day my ex girlfriend will want to talk to me

It feels like I'm done for.

There's been like three family suicides within one year. Two of which happened a few months apart. In March, a cousin of mine shot himself. He was only 15.

3 years of struggling to figure out what was causing my severe depression, fatigue and worsening autoimmunity and I finally learn it wasn't candida, toxoplasmosis or some other disease, but that it's Chronic Mononucleosis. My lymph nodes are fucking killing me right now. But at least I know why. Worst thing is it could take another 3 years to get it under control. Christ. I'm so goddamn tired of this shit.

Feeling really depressed right now. I'm going to try and sleep and hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up

-snip-

I think that's the main reason why I sleep so much :v: like my sleeping pattern is completely fucked anyway, but whenever I feel an episode coming on, I just lie down, fall asleep and hope for the best.

Sleep is our closest connection to the void.

More like sleep is the closest thing you can get to death without actually dying lol I take lots of naps because my depression gets me fatigued a lot. So if I have an opportunity to nap you can bet I'll take it.

I only wake up with the same tiredness. Had it for almost ten years soon, and it has only gotten worse since then. One day I'm shrinking into a tiny cornflake who gets eaten by a t-rex.

I personally feel like sleep is rest for the body so that the soul can be temporarily free and enjoy itself.

Sometimes I think it's a bad thing to be so introverted and quiet, like there's something wrong with me

[QUOTE=kijji;51781695]Sometimes I think it's a bad thing to be so introverted and quiet, like there's something wrong with me[/QUOTE]When I go through moods where I don't want to be around people I feel the same way. Often times hanging out with others is just too exhausting for me to really deal with.

[QUOTE=Trillo Lillo;51780547]Same happened to me yesterday, but I just woke up feeling shittier I'm losing it man, I'm so done with everything, I wish sleep cured wounds[/QUOTE] I did wake up even more depressed.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51781482]More like sleep is the closest thing you can get to death without actually dying lol I take lots of naps because my depression gets me fatigued a lot. So if I have an opportunity to nap you can bet I'll take it.[/QUOTE] I feel tired all the time but at the same time too wired to actually fall asleep if I try taking a nap. It's the absolute worse because I feel far to shit to do anything but I'm not tired enough to sleep it off and hope I'll wake up not-so-shit.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51775755]I don't have anything to do this weekend. Loneliness is terrible but there's not like I can do anything about it. Maybe one day my ex girlfriend will want to talk to me[/QUOTE] No you don't and I hope she doesn't. Will only make things worse.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;51783647]No you don't and I hope she doesn't. Will only make things worse.[/QUOTE] she's not going to message me anyway

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51783808]she's not going to message me anyway[/QUOTE] Good. You don't want her to anyway man, that's just your head being a dingus. There's a reason you've split up and it's best off that way, there will always be someone else trust me bruh

I think today is going to be a good day. I didn't feel as depressed when I woke up this morning.

There's literally no other reason for me to stay alive other than to not hurt my parents (and even then I don't think they will be hurt if they really knew just how fucked up in the head I am) but there are dozens of reasons for me to kill myself.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51784028]There's literally no other reason for me to stay alive other than to not hurt my parents (and even then I don't think they will be hurt if they really knew just how fucked up in the head I am) but there are dozens of reasons for me to kill myself.[/QUOTE] dont give up yet. It will get better. There's plenty of reasons to live you just can't see it because of your depression. You should look into therapy

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51784016]I think today is going to be a good day. I didn't feel as depressed when I woke up this morning.[/QUOTE] Awesome, what have you got planned for today [editline]6th February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=GoldAssassin;51784028]There's literally no other reason for me to stay alive other than to not hurt my parents (and even then I don't think they will be hurt if they really knew just how fucked up in the head I am) but there are dozens of reasons for me to kill myself.[/QUOTE] Well I said I wanted to be your friend :~)

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51784045]dont give up yet. It will get better. There's plenty of reasons to live you just can't see it because of your depression. You should look into therapy[/QUOTE] That's what everyone keeps on saying to me. "It'll get better","Keep holding on","Just try harder", and so on but as much as I tried it never gets better it gets worse from time to time no matter how much I tried. They just keep telling me to hold on without acknowledging that I have a certain limit on how much I can hold on before just giving up. I can't and don't want to look into therapy. It doesn't work for me.

What you're doing now is therapy in a sense. Therapy is less of someone 'fixing' you and just listening to your issues. All you need is for someone to listen and not judge for a change

I can't talk to a professional or some sort. I really really can't talk to people I don't know about deeply personal stuff. Even if I'm forced I won't. I used to talk about my problems to very close friends but I no longer have them. Close friends are the only people I am comfortable talking about my problems with. Recently I've been backstabbed and heartbroken in the worst way possible and I have no intention of letting people in my life anymore (look at me talking as if there's people who wants to come in to my life, there isn't.) I just want to be alone now and be dead.

You can always start with a therapist through talking normally, you don't need to tell them any personal stuff, that comes with time. I would suggest thinking about getting one, it will help you process your thoughts. You don't need to go in and spill your feelings or anything, even talking about how your day has gone and what your favourite TV show will make you feel much better.