Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Now that I know what I'm doing after my program ends I feel a lot less anxiety. I just got to keep doing my therapy [editline]8th February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=kijji;51793920]Alcoholism runs in my family and my doctor said that drinking might interfere with my antidepressants so I don't drink, but I do enjoy drinking socially once in a while[/QUOTE] alcoholism runs in my family big time but not so much with mental illness. Infact I can't think of anyone else in my family with a mental illness besides me

Fucked up at work today, & byebye goes permanent employment. I constantly feel like Im running out of time & that Ive missed everything youth had. I really wish my gun hadnt misfired last time I tried, that way I wouldnt have to worry about everything all the time.

Having no work and struggling to find more work has made me feel shittier lately, wish I could say the same as everyone else here right now

I don't have any work either. thats not really a priority for me right now anyway. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. I want to be 100% better before I start working again

I've been feeling a little better lately. I've been getting dressed up in collared shirts and parting my hair with gel. I got a few compliments from my crush and I felt a little better about myself. I also started watching some tv on Netflix to take my mind off of her. Not much different overall, but a slight improvement.

You know it's around this time I start thinking of my ex girlfriend. It never gets easier does it. I wonder if we will ever talk again

i love playing my favourite game of 'how many people important to me can I push away in as little time as possible'

I'm definitely not suicidal but boy I sure wish I could die today.

I have those days where I want to die. I haven't felt that in awhile though.

You might feel like you want to die but you don't really, you're all cool dudes and are worthy of living :joy:

[QUOTE=Pascall;51799131]I'm definitely not suicidal but boy I sure wish I could die today.[/QUOTE] Share it all with us

Uhhh okay this'll be kind of long cuz I only really feel like this when shit compounds. Got woken up by a jarring intrusion from my mother who barged into my room in a hurry to look for my keys so she could move my car. My parents have two cars, one for my mom and one for my dad. My mom's car stays in the garage, my dad's car on the side of the street in front of our house, my sister's car in the one non-obtrusive spot on the driveway, which leaves me with nowhere to park unless I want to park directly behind someone. Issue is, they all leave in the morning for work while I go to class in the early afternoon. So I'm CONSTANTLY being woken up and being told to move my car while everyone acts like it's MY fault that I'm inconveniencing them, especially when they're the ones who tell me where to park. I also suffer from some pretty distinct sleep drunkenness when I'm woken up out of deep sleep so having to drive my car even a few feet is terrifying. Then it's almost impossible to get back to sleep and with my insomnia it really fucks me up and puts me in a bad mood. That's what happened this morning and then on top of that, my room is absolutely not soundproof. I hear [I]everything[/I] that goes on in the house in the morning including but not limited to: my sister blowdrying her hair, my sister's ten month old child yeling, screaming, or crying, my grandma yelling while she talks cuz she's old, plates and dishes clattering in the sink, doors being opened and closed and slammed, the garage being opened and closed cuz it's on the other side of my wall, my sister knocking on my door so she can look for something in my closet (her clothes which I have NONE of), the TV in the living room blasting, and literally everyone talking so loud that unless I wore gigantic sound-canceling headphones, there's no way I can't hear it. This all gets me extremely upset because on top of people in my house not being courteous enough to at least cut the noise down (because I constantly avoid making ANY noise whenever someone else is sleeping whether it be at night or during naps in the day) at least until like 10:30am, preferably, they don't seem to care about like anything I do? Like I go to school full time and I work on weekends when I'm able to as a contractor, I travel for work a lot, on top of that, my school consists of two studio art classes which eat up a colossal amount of time and effort, plus two online classes, plus I'm trying to do my own art and hit deadlines for art shows that I wanna enter, plus I'm constantly working on my portfolio, going out to museums, networking with people online, and spending time with my boyfriend but all they seem to care about is "are you still with your boyfriend?" or the most annoying is when they call me when I'm out of the house saying "you didn't tell us you were gonna be out" when I've been telling them for like three weeks. I'm literally never asked about my plans, my interests, my day, how I'm feeling, what I've been working on, my classes, my work, or anything I'm even semi-proud of. And it's not that I don't mention it, I totally do. Because I've been trying to get approval from my parents for years now for being in a creative field. Of course I'm gonna mention it. But they forget. Or only pay half attention. Or are interested for a few hot seconds before something else catches their attention. Like I understand that my sister has a kid and she's the STAR of the house right now but this has been going on since even before my sister was pregnant. I've literally never felt appreciated or like anything I've done is any manner of progress. Last semester my therapist even saw a big difference in me saying that "Maybe you don't need me as often now!" and I was SUPER STOKED about it so I mentioned it to my mother and all she said was "oh that's good". I don't know. It's not that they don't care about ME but they don't care about anything [I]about[/I] me. I'm just there. And every so often it compounds and I literally just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. These are the times when I have the idea of maybe driving my car into a telephone pole or something. Just so they have a reason to actually NOTICE me again. Wouldn't do that because I'm a giant wiener and I do have a lot of reasons to stick around but doesn't mean I don't think about it a lot.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51799591]...Because I've been trying to get approval from my parents for years now for being in a creative field. Of course I'm gonna mention it. But they forget. Or only pay half attention. Or are interested for a few hot seconds before something else catches their attention. I don't know. It's not that they don't care about ME but they don't care about anything [I]about[/I] me. I'm just there. Wouldn't do that because I'm a giant wiener and I do have a lot of reasons to stick around but doesn't mean I don't think about it a lot.[/QUOTE] You are definitely not alone in thinking this... I hope you do get approval, and if not, do like me. Do it for yourself, do it for the enjoyment some people find in your work. That's what keeping me going as of now

My mind won't stop thinking of my ex girlfriend. Idk what to do anymore because I miss her

Every month that goes by, thinking about putting a rope around a branch gets less and less scary as opposed to continuing to live this life that I do now.

Great, just fucking great. For language practical exam I had to cook and explain in front of the class. Dumbass me didn't get a partner and did something else. There was a time limit of 5 minutes. The previous night I had my mother's friend show me how to cook a sandwhich multiple times. Even before I started out the teacher already acolded me for doing something wrong. I took 10 minutes. The bread was overcooked, egg was mostly spilled, I forgot the cheese and almost burnt a table. Everyone was laughing at me, even the teachers. Food tastes shittier than shit. Not even my speaking was good. I basically fucking failed everything I'm supposed to do (as always) I'm probably the only person to fail that exam and if I do, I probably won't show up if they told me to do it again to fix my grades. Did I also mention that I also have a practical exam of biology today that I completely failed on? I'm in the bathroom and I can't show ky face to anyone. Why must I fucking fail EVERY FUCKING THING that I do? I want to fucking kill kyself so bad.

Ugh, I regret keeping up with politics. I've gone way past the point of fetal position and straight to banging my head against the wall. Having to still reassure friends the world isn't over or going towards a bad future is starting to feel hollow, I don't believe my own reassurance anymore, but I just keep doing it because I can handle the reality, but some of my friends would shatter if reality wasn't cushioned just a little by my words. Either way I'm bitter again for external reasons, a very orange reason, but I've been doing my best to keep an open mind. Though I've snapped several times at what feels like asinine reasoning on the side of the orange. I feel like I should know better than to snap but I guess the gravity of reality has finally gotten to me.

Pascall not meaning any offence or anything and if they are being overly loud then yeah they need to tone it down a tad, but if the whole household wakes up at 9ish etc, to go to work, then they can't be expected to tip toe around because you're in bed. It's just a majority thing sadly, though there's a difference between waking up and doing your stuff and shouting. I mean the main solution to all of this is to move out but that's easier said than done.

Woke up feeling really good today. Staying positive I have a good day

[QUOTE=Revelificent;51801551]Every month that goes by, thinking about putting a rope around a branch gets less and less scary as opposed to continuing to live this life that I do now.[/QUOTE] I fight this feeling every day, and I've gotten close about three times now recently. You should keep focus on what you can do rather than how bad it's currently getting. It won't fix anything but taking up a creative interest can help a good theraputic way of dealing with feelings like that. I'm no professional here but if you feel it does get dangerous, seek out someone who can actually help ASAP.

been wasting my life playing dota 2 everyday at 10fps with my 8 year old laptop from twelve midnight to 5am while having classes at 7:30am daily. i get 1 hour of sleep at most. i do it to distract myself from my recent breakup, which was really horrible. it was my first relationship ever and it lasted for roughly two years and a half, which ended simply because my ex followed her friends' advice to leave me during a period where we were having a rough time with communication due to time constraints. i'm set to fail half of my subjects this semesters and i probably won't be able to finish engineering in the allotted five years of the course. my parents have constantly threatened to drop me out of school if my graduation was to be delayed by even a year, so i haven't told them yet. it's just a time bomb at this point. in my country there really aren't many jobs that a non-college graduate can sustain himself with. and there are even less job openings for non-college graduates, and if there are, you barely get shit for it. even a fresh graduate here earns like barely 1/6 of what one could earn in the US, for instance. i'm barely progressing in terms of academics, the girl i've planned my life around completely cut me off, the time i've spent with my girlfriend and my irregular status in college has resulted in me having a very small amount of people i can talk to, and by that i mean superficial conversations at best, as most of my closest acquaintances are already graduating, and my parents have pretty much given up on me. in addition to that, most of the people here have this collective mindset and it gets ridiculous at times. you'd rarely be able to know people who are able and willing to understand your way of thinking. their behavior and speech patterns are so ridiculously predictable that you could label one guy generic human being A and another guy generic human being B and it would be completely appropriate. so yeah, i'm the walking dead at the moment. the phrase "it'll get better someday" doesn't give me much hope tbh. to an adult's perspective this is probably nothing compared to later experiences in life but it's been weighing down on me pretty hard i'm turning twenty in a few months and i'm already set to fail in everything. yes i'm young and i probably have many years left to turn things around but at the moment i'm unable to get anywhere because of all these things. my parents have cut off my allowance to exactly the amount of one meal which is pretty much a dollar so i can't save for a hobby i want to fund or something like getting proper lessons about musical theory or smth unless i skip a meal everyday, and i know nothing about life or even getting work. i have no practical skills. given that, i don't have the capability to break away from this pattern, so i pretty much have no choice but to stay like this and rot away until something changes.

An update on how I was feeling the other day: Feeling better, actually. Started looking around for art shows to enter and I've got some lined up and some concepts and projects too. I also decided to treat myself because I miss my aquatic turtle a lot. I had to give her away to a sanctuary not too long ago (which she went from there to a local museum and then from there to another private owner so I'm not sure where she is now!) and I miss taking care of an aquatic creature. I don't have time or resources for an animal, so I decided a little plant would be more my speed. [t]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/243825832085291009/279715783968555008/image.jpg[/t] It's a Marimo that I named Wasabi because I figured it'd be cute. Made me feel a lot better having something that'll grow happily in water and requires almost no maintenance besides a water change every two weeks and a stir of the water every so often. That and I set up a little area for my little lucky cat collection with some flowers and they wave in the sun which is super cute. [t]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/274842497673461760/277814660286251009/image.jpg[/t] Putting together cute little areas like this definitely makes me feel a little more relaxed and at peace. It seems silly but sometimes treating yourself to a nice thing in your room or living space can make a small difference.

this weekend might be a bit depressing for me but idk I'll see how it goes. Mostly because I'll be alone and that's when the depression kicks in.

I feel like a piece of shit, a failure and a loser. It's almost like everything I touch turns to dogshit. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I keep digging myself in to a deeper hole and I feel like I'm going insane. I want to seek help but I'm absolutely terrified that whoever I end up talking to will dismiss me and not take me seriously. My emotions and general state of mind feels so erratic at times, I can go from feeling like the king of the world to wanting to kill myself and back to feeling like the king of the world in a matter of minutes. I've also started daydreaming and fantasizing about losing my right eye in an "accident" so I have a reason to always cover it up and start feeling normal. God damn I can't wait until summer so I can start wearing my sunglasses so I can finally go out again.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51805220]An update on how I was feeling the other day: Feeling better, actually. Started looking around for art shows to enter and I've got some lined up and some concepts and projects too. I also decided to treat myself because I miss my aquatic turtle a lot. I had to give her away to a sanctuary not too long ago (which she went from there to a local museum and then from there to another private owner so I'm not sure where she is now!) and I miss taking care of an aquatic creature. I don't have time or resources for an animal, so I decided a little plant would be more my speed. [t]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/243825832085291009/279715783968555008/image.jpg[/t] It's a Marimo that I named Wasabi because I figured it'd be cute. Made me feel a lot better having something that'll grow happily in water and requires almost no maintenance besides a water change every two weeks and a stir of the water every so often. That and I set up a little area for my little lucky cat collection with some flowers and they wave in the sun which is super cute. [t]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/274842497673461760/277814660286251009/image.jpg[/t] Putting together cute little areas like this definitely makes me feel a little more relaxed and at peace. It seems silly but sometimes treating yourself to a nice thing in your room or living space can make a small difference.[/QUOTE] Acts of self love/self care, no matter how big or small, can play a big part in helping mental health :smile: don't be ashamed or embarrassed about sharing what makes you happy! :dance:

[QUOTE=ejonkou;51805373]I feel like a piece of shit, a failure and a loser. It's almost like everything I touch turns to dogshit. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I keep digging myself in to a deeper hole and I feel like I'm going insane. I want to seek help but I'm absolutely terrified that whoever I end up talking to will dismiss me and not take me seriously. My emotions and general state of mind feels so erratic at times, I can go from feeling like the king of the world to wanting to kill myself and back to feeling like the king of the world in a matter of minutes. I've also started daydreaming and fantasizing about losing my right eye in an "accident" so I have a reason to always cover it up and start feeling normal. God damn I can't wait until summer so I can start wearing my sunglasses so I can finally go out again.[/QUOTE] A psychologist will never dismiss you. And don't get me wrong, I don't say that you are a mentally unstable person who needs to go see a shrink. I am just saying that talking to a person who has a broad spectrum of experience dealing with people who feel like you might help you. [editline]11th February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=n7610;51793660]Relapsed into feeling like shit again. Always fun. Home life has somewhat stabilized now. Not as much fighting is always good. Still have a place to live thank god. Bought a GTX 1080 which feels nice. But lately i just don't feel like doing much at all hobby-wise. Doesn't help when people who i assume were friends end up being a bigger pain in the ass than i thought. It doesn't help that I probably ended up ruining one of their lives back when I was just starting to smoke pot. Back when I didn't realize anything awful could happen. Essentially what happened was I brought a friend over to another friend's place who happens to be a girl. What ended up happening was they ended up trying to go out. It doesn't help that this girl isn't exactly the smartest with money and crap. This essentially led to me dumping about 60% of my paycheck into weed and eating out. But I didn't care, I had a stable way to work and whatnot so I could spend freely. Then the giant shitstorm happened that I posted about ages ago. Leading me to spend more time overnight there instead of at home. Over the course of this time her van broke and my friend ended up helping her get to and from work. Only one issue I didn't realize came up. He is supposed to be in school. And he ended up getting dropped a couple months ago for not showing up all over the course of the fall semester. Which got his parents pissed as fuck and almost got him thrown out. Great feeling to have on my shoulders. Come these past few weeks I ask him about school and he isn't taking his online courses or anything. Because he isn't motivated. Great. Then lately both him and her (we work at the same place) apparently just don't give a rats ass about anything anymore. They leave an hour early. They complain about money. She sat on the counter in back for 3/4 of her shift due to a headache or something. We offer to buy some advil or something but guess what? She doesn't want any. When all 3 of us are scheduled normally we get everything done so we can work slow. But when I work slow during those days, apparently i'm being lazy all the time. And whenever I put out all our back-stock to fill our sales floor I'm "overfilling" since they'd rather not have a lot of work to do the next day. BTW this was on Superbowl Sunday. So I had a reason to instead of just padding out time until the end of my shift. Sooo they both leave at 7, leaving me with work that should've been done at 4 to 6. Because they wanted to pick up weed. They assume just because I care about earning money and crap instead of leaving early 24/7 I'll just be dandy about picking up their slack. Yeah, they aren't scheduled until 9 pm. Sit around and complain while I do things you could be doing too. Complain about the cleaning lists we get every weekend because you don't want to stay until the end of your shift and clean shit. Don't put out stock on the counters for the morning people to package and label. The double standards are unbelievable. But get this? Even though she complains about not having rent money she somehow managed to get a new top of the line android phone. The fuck? Oh and she's called off at least 2 times in the past two weeks just so she can get 3 days off in a row and did shrooms without telling anyone. Then when her and My friend went to a concert with tickets he bought, She wanted to go home early because she was tired and didn't actually plan shit out. So yeah. I'm pretty sure I lost one friend and another that I barely considered a friend in the first place due to weed. But of course now I'm the lazy crap who sits around and does nothing. I don't even have a desire to smoke weed anymore since all it does is make me tired and upset and I have a good thing going at home right now. On top of that i have been having just negative thoughts in general which isn't good at all. (As in: Would it matter if I were still here? and darker than that.) I guess instead of just ranting i could ask for some kind of advice. If I complain to my manager about this I'll end up having to likely reveal things that are best kept private. If I confront them about it. It will likely backfire on me. What are some ways of diffusing this without shit blowing up in my face? Its sort of gotten to that point where I'm more upset and stressed than neutral at work. Quitting is not an option as I make good money and get good hours as well as a fallback for when im in college. It doesn't help that I feel guilty as fuck for making a friend of mine go down a path that will ruin his life. And he doesn't care. Rather he does, but doesn't know what to do about it since he is in a position where if he says no to her she gets royally fucked. Bleh trying to keep things together sucks.[/QUOTE] As I see it: 1. You are not one inch responsible for these leech fucks of employees getting high on weed and ruining their life. 2. They are abusing you, and they fuck up the effeciency which the place of work can run by making your life horrible, so speak to your manager about them. If they don't care about the job, they won't care if they lose it because of their mentality. They are not your friends. 3. But at first: Talk to them about this situation. If they understand it and try to change themselves because of it, everythings good. But if not, go to your manager and talk to him about it.

I got really majorily depressed before an written out a really long paragraph to my ex girlfriend but I stopped myself right before I was going to hit send. I don't know why I stopped myself. I thought that messaging her would of made me feel so much worse if she didn't want to talk so I just cancelled it and went to bed

I did so good, but now it's creeping up on me again that the majority doesn't really care of me existing... or like me even. I'm a horrible human being I suppose... Ugh...

I've been taking antivirals for about 4 weeks now, but progress has been incredibly slow, though I have noticed I'm less tired and more motivated now. However, in the last 3 days I started taking something else on top of them to help. Today it really kicked in. In the middle of my shift I suddenly felt a wave of depression hit me, just out of the blue. But what was different was my mind just started wandering all of a sudden, in a good way. I started imagining like I used to before I got so sick and had encephalitis. My mind was just jumping from idea to idea and I couldn't stop it. I still felt depressed, but my mind just started working like it used to again at the same time. I almost broke down in tears right there at work, because I never thought I could feel this way again. I know that sounds weird, but I've always been a depressive person, and escaping into thought and imagination was one of the ways I dealt with it as a child and a teen. I never let my depression get in the way of my imagination, and some of my best ideas came when I was at my worst. But the depression I've had since my encephalitis was so debilitating that I couldn't even think most of the time. Just to have experienced that again, knowing that I can still be that person if I just fight for it, it gives me a fulfilment I can't describe. I've finally started drawing again too. I definitely needed another outlet at the moment.

Anyone on Paxil/Paroxetine? Its giving me pretty bad insomnia but apparently its supposed to sedate you and I'm unsure what time of the day I'm supposed to take it. So far I've tried taking it at around 6PM for a week and today I tried it at 7AM, but no matter how hard I try I can't fall asleep