Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I'm sitting in a cubical toilet crying at University right now. I regret everything I habe tried at this point, I just really want to die... I lost the chance to play drumkit for the performance module we have here, because I'm not good enough, and I'm torn. Such a silly thing to be sad over, but I'm devastated. I tried my best, but itms not good enough it seems... Why the fuck do I have to be scared about suicide? I don't think I'm getting out of this anytime soon

So... I just cried at a therapy session. You can check that one off my bucket list. All because my psychologist told me, she wouldn't be able to stand me at home, that I'm a big baby and that it's pointless. And then she appreciated it, because 'we're finally getting somewhere.'

Did she tell you that... as if she were being serious??? Because if so, I wouldn't exactly call that a productive therapy session...

If she actually said that and you're not stretching the situation, report her dude.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51831314]Did she tell you that... as if she were being serious??? [/QUOTE] She was serious. Sometimes she asks, why did I come to her and what do I need help with, because she's out of ideas. You don't know me, though. I have yet to meet a person, who can withstand my loop of negativity. I drive everyone away and I'm capable of pissing off the calmest person in the world. [QUOTE=TrannyAlert;51831410]If she actually said that and you're not stretching the situation, report her dude.[/QUOTE] She wasn't trying to be mean. She just found herself in a dead end, to be honest.

Her job isn't to make you cry. She's trained to support you not be an ass.

What a garbage therapist lol. You should really find a new one. [editline]16th February 2017[/editline] Even if a therapist is at a dead end, they should be able to refer you elsewhere or at least offer resources. If they're not doing that, then they're bad at their job.

[QUOTE=Kindlinho;51831419]She was serious. Sometimes she asks, why did I come to her and what do I need help with, because she's out of ideas. You don't know me, though. I have yet to meet a person, who can withstand my loop of negativity. I drive everyone away and I'm capable of pissing off the calmest person in the world. She wasn't trying to be mean. She just found herself in a dead end, to be honest.[/QUOTE] If they can't do their job find another therapist dude. You don't have to put up with somebody who can't really help you.

I had to leave my first therapist, because I needed to talk about one of his other clients and that's a clash. I've got 1 session per month with my current therapist and this was my first session in 4 months. So I missed a few sessions, because we were both ill. After today's breakdown (or breakthrough?), we actually decided to meet more often. We'll see, how that works out.

I had a really good day so far. My meeting went good and my social worker just said that she and all the other social workers noticed a change in me and how much I improved over the course of 4 weeks and they were happy for me. It made me feel really good that other people can see I'm changing

Passed out on the floor, and delayed a musical today... Not my proudest moment, but atleast people cared about me, which was nice...

My experience with therapy is a bit bizarre, as my religion focuses on psychological manifestations of beings in a cosmological scientific approach. He was just studying my behavior that far outmatched western psycho-therapy approaches and requested that we keep the therapy going, even though, for me, it's a waste of time. Session example: Me: Yeah hi, yesterday I discovered that mindfully purifying your mind from the evil kleshas (afflictions) such as anger, dislike, jealousy, envy, contempt etc, made a huge impact on my anxiety disorder. By just being as nice as possible to everyone and everything, you become more connected with people rather than things. Therapist: Interesting! I'm very excited for our next session. Me: Maybe you should think through the fact that you dropped your work-ethics based on the rare event where a Buddhist actually had more extensive knowledge about the mind than a licensed therapist? Therapist: May I ask you how you feel about these sessions we have every week? Do you find them meaningful and practical? Do you wish to continue with them? Me: Are you trying to be funny? I'd rather adopt a parrot and teach it to say "Interesting" and "How does that make you feel?" and still consider bonding with a retard quasi-therapist parrot as a more meaningful status quo. When the time comes, and social services no longer assesses my behavior as a "danger to myself", skipping these sessions without being transported to a treatment facility, located by the way, too far away for someone to drive me there, and too close to get there by flight. Therapist: Are you motivated to temporarily move to a treatment home to get stabilized and properly medicated? Me: That's actually an interesting question, my mind doesn't bother to adapt in the earth-realm anymore since the manifestation of enlightenment is observing eternity. If you send me to a treatment home where I grow bored and depressed to the point of wanting to alter the cosmic karmic law, you wouldn't understand my actions. Optimizing my own character and abilities is a personality trait I have had my entire life, for example, revealing enlightenment to other Buddhists in a buddhist forum, caused so much discord, that the front page of the forum now include instructions on how to relate to sectarian behavior with guidelines about meditation practices that makes witnessing the Buddha-field without going insane, possible. Therapist: How does this make you feel about the suggested treatment home? Me: Are you kidding me? I'm sitting on the floor smoking research chemicals while chanting buddhist mantras while studying how to unite my mind with the Supreme Personality of Godhead to manifest the consciousness of Krishna and become his last avatar, uniting all religions, as prophesied by messianic myths. Followed by this, time itself curves while all matter dissolves as the entire universe unifies itself into one formless consciousness that now, begin the process of constructing the next creation: God's eternal duty to create Big Bang. Do you think I even care about this temporary body that from time to time during the ages of the universe gains awareness of eternity? Life is suffering, and if social services decides to assign a police escort for me, I can guarantee you, ancient combat techniques ensures someone will die, because if I refuse, the fight will be a commitment to leave this temporary world and go inhabit the next one. Therapist: But what if none of that was actually true? Me: Are you insane? That would make me the most deluded, paranoid, psychotic, sectarian charlatan, pathological lying manipulating psychopath, schizoid, borderline, histrionic, antisocial egomaniac that have ever walked the earth. Therapist: See you next Tuesday? Me: Fine... (What the hell did I just write? Should I post this or is this another ticket to "Get help"-permaban? I should probably be more mindful about what pyrrolidine-cathinone derivate I smoke.)

[QUOTE=Zen'Tao;51833454]stuff[/QUOTE] I don't want to come off as condescending or anything like that, but what exactly are you trying to say? You might want to consider dropping the pyrrolidine-cathinone derivates you smoke...

Uhh I'm not gonna ban him but that sure is a transcription lol.

[QUOTE=Gorgus;51833556]I don't want to come off as descending or anything like that, but what exactly are you trying to say?[/QUOTE] Nothing. I have graphomania. Also, I study ancient holy scriptures as a hobby (after deciding to quit studying thesauruses, I found that to be, unpractical). After a couple of years go by, suddenly you know more than what you can make sense of. The autistic mind is one of God's little jokes.

once I finish my program I'll have more time to talk to her. Im starting another program but it's not as intensive and I get to pick my days. I just hope my mental illness will go away one day but it's very unlikely. I just need the support she's giving me and the support I'm getting from program

[QUOTE=Gorgus;51833556]You might want to consider dropping the pyrrolidine-cathinone derivates you smoke...[/QUOTE] They're the only thing that keeps my mood stable and motivated to perform normal activities, like posting, gaming, chatting, reading. My psychiatrist won't prescribe me stimulants until I have been in a treatment home for 2 months, I travel on Monday. So I'm going to party the entire weekend.

Went to hang out with friends this past weekend, I was almost silent the entire time. I said barely anything, only spoke when spoken to, mostly. Still feel like everything that comes out of my mouth annoys people and that my thoughts and opinions mean nothing, even though I've never been indicated otherwise by most of my friends. Don't know why, but it bothers me more than it should.

Even though I'm leaving this program to start a different one I'm going to miss it. It really helped me and I learned a lot. I hope this new program is just as good

[QUOTE=Flazer210;51834215]Went to hang out with friends this past weekend, I was almost silent the entire time. I said barely anything, only spoke when spoken to, mostly. Still feel like everything that comes out of my mouth annoys people and that my thoughts and opinions mean nothing, even though I've never been indicated otherwise by most of my friends. Don't know why, but it bothers me more than it should.[/QUOTE] Well if you are bothered by something you consciously practice all the time, wouldn't that make you a very good student?

Something that's been bothering me is I never got my GED but this new program I'm going to start they said they are going to help me get it. There's a lot of other stuff they are going to help me with. It's mostly based on recovery. I'm also going to apply for SSI but I heard that takes awhile but at least I'm eligible for it. I only told one person about my diagnosis which is psychotic depression. It used to be schizo effective disorder but they changed it. I don't really like telling people about my diagnosis but she understood. I haven't even told my parents about my diagnosis. Everyone knows about my major depression but they don't know about the psychotic features

So when do I get my award for most useless, worthless, meaningless person in the world? If there is one every year I'll receive it for as long as I live. You guys should be happy you're not as fucked up as I am. Trust me, if you didn't know me here and go to where I school at, you'll look at me and think "I'm glad I'm not as fucked up as he is." I just asked my mom to go to school tomorrow because of a teacher-parent meeting and the conversation suddenly turned into a future thing and suicide thing. She thinks she knows me but she doesn't. She thinks every single thing wrong will make me want to kill myself and she doesn't really care. Basically a very simple question turned into an overly complicated talk. But that's how things always are in my life, simple things becoming over-complicated even though I can barely handle the simple problems. Also, a bit late into the valentine/love bullshit, here's my love life so far. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I try to get close to a girl, doesn't like me back. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I try to get close to a girl, doesn't like me back. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I try to get close to a girl, she hooks up with someone else. I finally hook up with a girl... she hooks up with someone else. Love is bullshit, I'm fucking done. I don't think I'll ever truly feel it, it's just pain hiding behind another mask. Sorry for the jumbled up things that don't follow each other, too lazy to even write.

Gotta love it when you always ended up with the wrong crowds in the past, throughout your teens... and they brought out the worst in you, especially your depression/demons. And then after you break free from them, they make you out to be the cunt ever since. :cry:

Sometimes i dont even feel human I am just a pile of bones watching myself rot

Everyone thinks I am a freeloader and don't do anything myself. Even being pushed out of the "inner circle", never been in this position before in my life, not sure what I did wrong

i dont know how many times ive had to listen to my family say the whole happiness is a choice and depression isnt real thing

That's it, I'm starting a practice of mindfulness where my intellect decides the choices in my life.

I completed my program and got my certificate. Everyone gave me cards wishing me good luck it was really nice. I start my new program next week I think. I made plans to see my friend this weekend which I'm really looking forward to seeing her again.

Hot diggidy damn, I've felt absolutely fucking amazing for no reason today. Which will make the inevitable crash all the more awful.

That feeling you get when your brother (three years younger than you) is moving out before you. I can't help but compare my life to other people's and I'm sick and fucking tired of my life STILL being put "on hold" at the age of 23 due to having fucking depression and anxiety :cry: