Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

there's a lot of goals I hope to achieve by the end of 2017. If it takes longer that's alright too but I'm not giving up this time. I had my life on hold for too long already and now that I got support I should be alright. If I really want something I have to go and get it no holding back anymore

Man I get the best emotions at the worst times and the worst emotions at better times. Like why the hell do I get a rush of confidence and no social anxiety and really wanna talk to people at 10pm when I'm already done for the day, but feel like shit for no reason DURING the day??? such is the life of being bipolar

Having mood swings right now. I feel very depressed and I don't know why. I had a good day and nothing bad happened. I get worried when I start to feel this way thinking I'm slipping back into my depression. It will pass soon but for now I feel awful. I think I need an increased dose of my mood stabilizer

I still feel really depressed. At least I'm seeing my friend today so I'll feel better around her.

I've had one hell of a month. Went to the ER for being suicidal and almost shooting my eye out and spent twelve hours there (six in lobby and six in a bed) before being discharged with instructions to go to a crisis center that had a bed waiting for me.. not sure why they let me leave the hospital by myself but I'm not going to dwell on the issue. The crisis center was nice, spent a few days there before getting sent via ambulance to essentially a psych ward at a nice hospital. Spent over a week there (nice staff and people) before being discharged to home. My psychiatrist at the hospital had me quit antidepressants cold turkey - I do not recommend this but we were pressed for time... it was hell on earth for several days... I had several suicide attempts during my stay at the hospital & crisis center, inc. biting off my own skin several times and attempting to kill myself by getting at a major artery. At least I'm finally diagnosed and on the right meds (all 7+). Everyone online back when I ran my own community was right on the money - mood disorder - bipolar, PTSD and borderline personality disorder. Anyway, I just wanted to share. Have a great day everyone!

[QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51838362]That feeling you get when your brother (three years younger than you) is moving out before you. I can't help but compare my life to other people's and I'm sick and fucking tired of my life STILL being put "on hold" at the age of 23 due to having fucking depression and anxiety :cry:[/QUOTE] I know the feeling very well. The thought of people years younger than you being able to do, and achieving greater things while you stay behind because of mental issues you can't get rid of.

That moment when you study and you still dont understand jack shit and everyone around you thinks you don't bother at all. 0 motivation to actually put in any effort.

[QUOTE=ejonkou;51805373]I feel like a piece of shit, a failure and a loser. It's almost like everything I touch turns to dogshit. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I keep digging myself in to a deeper hole and I feel like I'm going insane. I want to seek help but I'm absolutely terrified that whoever I end up talking to will dismiss me and not take me seriously. My emotions and general state of mind feels so erratic at times, I can go from feeling like the king of the world to wanting to kill myself and back to feeling like the king of the world in a matter of minutes. I've also started daydreaming and fantasizing about losing my right eye in an "accident" so I have a reason to always cover it up and start feeling normal. God damn I can't wait until summer so I can start wearing my sunglasses so I can finally go out again.[/QUOTE] I've Been in the the situation of being king midas's unlucky brother for a long time. Realize its due to emotional imbalances. Until you fix that, you life will keep getting shitter and shitter until you hit crisis. [editline]18th February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Steam-Pixie;51836781]Gotta love it when you always ended up with the wrong crowds in the past, throughout your teens... and they brought out the worst in you, especially your depression/demons. And then after you break free from them, they make you out to be the cunt ever since. :cry:[/QUOTE] My mother tried to deal with her emotional demons she gained from ing raised in an abusive home. The reaction from the unstable people who harmed r was call her crazy for wanting to get better. . Its not a unique things to experience. Me all I can say illness make me wonder if I will make it through one more day 😤

Anyone else here deal with the primarily intrusive thoughts variety of OCD? I've been fighting with a relapse of it for a few months after being basically free of it for 4 years. Hopefully I can get another 4 years of peace and tranquility, this is the pits.

I'm at my wit's end. With the rising issues in politics at the moment a lot of my family is in edge because half of them are a family of immigrants. My moms worried about my dad because he went to visit family in Mexico and might not be able to come back. I'm specifically worried about my girlfriend who's not legalized at the moment but her family is in the process of it, and they're getting the news next month. Her lawyer told them it's not looking good for her parents but that her and her siblings are fine because they're dreamers. I was okay with this until a news story came up that ICE came to pick up an undocumented immigrant and took their son as well, who didn't care about him being protected by the dream act. Lately I've been seeing posts that they have immigration checkpoints placed subtly in my city so I've been on edge whenever we go out to drive . I'm too afraid to talk about it with her because I'm trying to be strong for her because she's scared too. I haven't been able to enjoy anything to their fullest extent recently because of all this . I don't know what to do

One week in of SSRI treatment. Never felt shittier. Thanks for nothing, doc.

[QUOTE=Drk;51840674]One week in of SSRI treatment. Never felt shittier. Thanks for nothing, doc.[/QUOTE] Hang in there, it takes awhile for SSRI's to kick in.

I feel so happy right now. I don't have any depakote left but I think I will be alright the next few days. I have 1 pill left but I'm supposed to take 2 of them a day. [editline]18th February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Drk;51840674]One week in of SSRI treatment. Never felt shittier. Thanks for nothing, doc.[/QUOTE] I remember when I first started Zoloft I felt terrible. I couldn't even stay awake and kept falling asleep. The side effects went away though

[QUOTE]"Nathaniel, Daddy has to take a ride. I won't be around to raise you so I need you to know something before I go. You're special, and this world can be very hard on special things. They'll pick on you, they'll hit you, he'll dump you, diagnose you and develop you. And there will be days when you wish that everyone was like you, so that everything could be easy. But that's how they think. They spend every day wishing that everyone was the same, and it's that wish that keeps them from being special. So when they come for you with their knives out, you just smile and forgive them. Because ordinary things say, "Hello," and "Goodbye," but nothing that's special can ever die." [I]- Mr. Sprinkles, 2007[/I][/QUOTE]

I don't know why, but it finally hit me, just now. That burning desire to never feel like shit again, to never allow myself to get into such a shitty position or allow anyone to take control over me, to make me feel worthless. To improve on my faults and get better. I don't want to kill myself anymore, and I'll make anyone who tries to make me feel that way suffer. I'm going to lose this fat, find another job, open a new bank account, learn, and excel in everything. It's time to improve on my diet, my habits, my military career, everything that's dragged me down. I'm not going to be like other people, constantly talking shit on the people who feel like they can't do anything, and I won't stand for it, either. I finally feel like I can move on and better myself, almost like I can be a person again.

i think i have chronic anxiety

I had a really great day. I haven't been this happy in a long time but I am scared of falling in love and end up getting hurt/abandoned again. I shouldn't worry about that and just think in the present but I would most likely relapse back into depression if that did happen. She's just been there for me when I need her the most

I don't know why I am this way. one minute I'm fine the next I can't even think I'm so depressed. I'm having suicidal thoughts right now. My friend went to bed so I can't talk to her about it right now. I'm thinking of calling the crisis number my counselor gave me if I had an emergency. I'm just so sick and tired of feeling this way.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51843639]I don't know why I am this way. one minute I'm fine the next I can't even think I'm so depressed. I'm having suicidal thoughts right now. My friend went to bed so I can't talk to her about it right now. I'm thinking of calling the crisis number my counselor gave me if I had an emergency. I'm just so sick and tired of feeling this way.[/QUOTE] This is eerily similar to how I was before going to the ER. I even told my doctor the very same morning that I was feeling so much better. It might be a good idea to check yourself into the ER and avoid the crisis line entirely.

I've realized there is no point to focusing on negative thought, and over thinking your future to the point of deep sadness. After I moved away to uni, I've lost my social life. I live in a shitty apartment, and my twin is in basic training. I'm alone, been like that for 8 months. (Twin had an injury, what should of lasted 3-4 months turned out 6-8 months). Every day is a struggle, but theres no point to struggle. You just have to let go of the past you miss, and not think about the future. Do what you have to do every day, but still have goals and priorities. You can overcome depression by sheer will alone, even when you self harm and have constant thoughts of suicide. It's not easy, but its possible. I thought my problems came from uncontrollable factors, so I gave myself a reason to be depressed. I made myself a bleak world, and thought it wasn't my fault. But, I found out how pointless that was. I don't have to feel like shit all the time. I stopped perceiving those obstacles as negative, and I stopped comparing my life to other people's lives. All depression is self-created through seeing your life as bad. So, change your thought patterns and perception. Accept your obstacles, and follow your immediate goals. I'll get boxes, but that helped my life. But, your problems are subjective. Someone can react like "This guy's problems are nothing. My life is so much worse, thats why I can't cure my depression", but hear me out. You don't need a psychologist or SSRI's.

Ive been talking to this girl on the phone and we have been talking/had a thing for a few weeks and we have been quite infatuated with each other at least I thought and tonight we were talking and the phone hung up and I saw her on Facebook after the fact and it said she read the message about me jokingly asking where she went and I just cant fucking get over the feeling she hung up on me and I just cant get over that fact. I'm so fucking messed up inside and have been since the severe emotional abuse from my ex and my family I think everyone just wants to leave me and hurt me. I'm so sick of the mental torture I put myself through, even the smallest stupidest fucking thoughts and things like this make me think about killing myself or just disappearing.

[QUOTE=ColdWave;51843938]Ive been talking to this girl on the phone and we have been talking/had a thing for a few weeks and we have been quite infatuated with each other at least I thought and tonight we were talking and the phone hung up and I saw her on Facebook after the fact and it said she read the message about me jokingly asking where she went and I just cant fucking get over the feeling she hung up on me and I just cant get over that fact. I'm so fucking messed up inside and have been since the severe emotional abuse from my ex and my family I think everyone just wants to leave me and hurt me. I'm so sick of the mental torture I put myself through, even the smallest stupidest fucking thoughts and things like this make me think about killing myself or just disappearing.[/QUOTE] Shes a person too, with her own problems. Judging by what you said, it wasnt your fault man, dont beat yourself up. Sounds like her issue. Plus theres many variables you dont know about there.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51843738]This is eerily similar to how I was before going to the ER. I even told my doctor the very same morning that I was feeling so much better. It might be a good idea to check yourself into the ER and avoid the crisis line entirely.[/QUOTE]im better now. It usually passes when I feel that way it's just annoying. My depakote came in the mail just in time as I ran out. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts even though I'm doing better than before. Next time I see my psychiatrist in 3 weeks I'm going to ask for an increased dose of my depakote and maybe the Zoloft as well.

...on my way to work today I just thought "What's the point of this?" I have no idea why I exist. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have little more than "be happy" as a goal and it seems like I blank on what else. I only really live because family and friends would be devastated. I don't really feel I'm worth anything. Frankly I sometimes feel I'm not worth the paycheck i get but i need it because money. I truely don't understand why people like me. Why would people ever like garbage unless it was to take advantage of me. I truely don't know what I want or where I'll be in the future, if there's even a future. It doesn't matter how much I push myself or work my ass off, it's never enough. It's never fucking enough. I do feel like the world is out to get me and that humans are naturally evil. There are a small handful of friends I have, but I used to have more until I scared them off or snapped at em.

I don't even know if I should go on. I screwed everything up to this point that it's probably better to disappear than continue this painful existence. I just screwed up by not signing up an easy way into college. If I go to art school I'm not even sure what I can do since I'm 18 and seeing 10-13 kids making music and arts makes whatever I make look like a kindergarten's scribble and trust me I've tried to improve with no avail. What I do is never enough to anyone. I am academically disabled to some extent and I really don't want to study because it's stressful. Life is still going downhill and what I do to change it does nothing. I just want to disappear now is all. Also, I wonder if people look at me and think of something good besides; loser, freak, useless, worthless, perverted, idiot, retarded, castoff, expendable, and all those... . Nah, they probably just think that.

-snip-

Feeling a little bit better, I managed to let myself keep going on my instrument, even though my teacher is scared I'm too far behind to even pass.

I'm 25 and I'm still in school. Not even art school, just studying art at a state university. And I still have a year to go until my Bachelor's. A personal timeline doesn't have to adhere to anyone else's. I'm taking a while and it's a little nerve-wracking, sure, but I see people older than me in my classes all the time. I've got a 50 year old dude in my printmaking class and he struggles but people around him are happy to help. Never too late to go to school if that's what you really want to do.

People in college are usually more mature. God I don't miss Highschool at all. I love how almost everyone treats you like their equal and the lack of houlier-than-thou attitude is quite nice.

Not even sure if this is the ideal place to talk about this but whatever. My dog is stressing me the absolute hell out. She's a maltese/poodle mix and since we got her about two years ago, she's displayed fearful aggressive behavior towards strangers both inside and outside the house and especially loud and noisy kids. I don't fault her for it, because I honestly have no idea where the guy we picked her up from got her from, so she could definitely have some trauma in the past, but I have no idea what it would be. Since we've had her I've tried my absolute hardest to get her accustomed to strangers and she's... SORT OF made progress? But ultimately, after her biting two people and lunging at my boyfriend, I decided to save up money to take her to a board and train program for two weeks where I hoped they would get her out of that habit and really get her out and socialized. Obviously I know it wasn't gonna happen ENTIRELY in two weeks and I'd have to put forth some effort once she was back home but after being back home for two weeks, I've only seen moderate improvement in some of her obedience, not her stranger aggression. She's a little more likely to let people pet her now after sitting there for like 20-30 minutes and getting used to their presence, but I can't do that when I have her out on a walk. She barks aggressively, howls, pulls on the leash, and trips me up and I'm worried if a little kid didn't know better, they'd run up and she'd most definitely bite them. The trainer I took her to used an e-collar (which I know is generally frowned upon but I myself only use the "vibrate" function because I'm not a fan of using the stimulation unless I absolutely need it when she's out of control) because all of the other board and train facilities used e-collars as well and this one was the cheapest. I'm not made of money either so I can't find another place to take her to for classes, especially since most classes want you to have a human/dog friendly dog and she just isn't that, so I'm in a hard place. I'm frustrated and tired and stressed and I don't always have the mental stability or energy to make sure she doesn't freak and while I'm still gonna try my best I'm just worried I may have wasted my money. I don't know what to do at this point besides continuing to try. I just don't want it all to be pointless.