Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I have an urge to cut myself the depression is overwhelming right now

I look at pictures I've taken of myself and want facial surgery so bad I feel like I could die. It reminds me how she said she needed someone stronger than me. I looked at her instagram too, knowing some of the art was about me. I've come so far. Finally on medication, finally working out and finally getting out again to do things with my life instead of spending seven hours in front of these screens, staring listlessly. But, I feel like I can't do anything. Like it doesn't matter because I'm inherently fucked up, literally down to the bone. Which is why I want these surgeries. I can't handle looking at my own pictures, let alone other people on instagram or some shit. Surgery could make me acceptable to myself, therefore everyone else.

I am so fucking pissed about my parents right now. Bit of backstory, I've been suffering from Depression and Extreme Anxiety Disorder since I was 10 years old (so 8 years total). For the past maybe four years now I've been having suicidal thoughts; they started out isolated and few and far between, but as the years went by they became more and more and more frequent until now, where I spend more time having suicidal-thoughts than regular ones. I'd say about 80% of my day is spent thinking about killing myself, and I'm still currently thinking about it as I'm typing this. My parents have taken me to therapy because of this. Once. Eight years ago. And it wasn't even a therapist, or a psychiatrist, it was a neurologist, who, when I told him I was having suicidal thoughts, diagnosed me with Tourrettes. I'm serious. I'm pretty sure the only reason he came to the conclusion that I had some sort of anxiety disorder is because literally every member of my family has it, and also the fact that I kept having panic attacks in his office. Since then, though? Nothing. Zilch. Not a single doctors visit, not a single prescription given, not even a single appointment made. For the first few years after that, though, I was honestly doing pretty alright. Wasn't depressed, anxiety was low, I was pretty chill all things considered. Then things started turning south about four years ago, no idea why. But it started changing back to the way things were when I was 10: suicidal thoughts, depression, panic attacks, fun things like that. My parents never really noticed, though. I don't remember much from this period of my life, but I guess I was just really private about the whole thing, staying in my room when the panic attacks hit and telling my parents I was fine when they started to get worried. Eventually I started getting sick about living like this, and maybe two years ago I began to open up more. I began to drop hints frequently that I wanted to see a therapist, that I was depressed, that I was having suicidal thoughts. Nearly weekly I would even sit my mother down and flat out say to her face, I am depressed and having suicidal thoughts, I need to see a therapist. Even more extreme than that, because of my Extreme Anxiety Disorder I would occasionally (maybe every month or so) have panic attacks and moments where I would go hysterical crying and sobbing, saying that I wanted to kill myself but my parents would just yell at me and say "Stop talking like that!" But despite all of this, nothing ever happened. There was never even a single confirmation or hint that they had even started looking for therapists, let alone making an appointment with one. Might I remind you, I told them day after day after day, even at the fucking dinner table, that I wanted to see a therapist, that I was depressed, please please please I just want to see a therapist so badly. But nothing ever happened. I still kept telling them, and still kept hoping something would be done to no avail. Then one day I guess I snapped. I was going to my hair stylist with my mom, and all of a sudden I just broke down sobbing right there in the passenger seat, bawling my eyes out and telling my mom how depressed I was, how I thought about killing myself almost every day, how much pain I was in constantly. I honestly haven't cried that hard in years. It got to the point where my mom had to pull her car over and miss my appointment so that I could just cry and bawl and sob, just letting all of my thoughts pour out of me like a massive dam had come crashing open. And do you know what she said to me when this happened? "I had no idea you felt like that!" ...Are you fucking kidding me? Are you ACTUALLY fucking kidding me? For the past FOUR FUCKING YEARS I've been telling you TO YOUR FACE that I was depressed and suicidal, and during my fucking panic episodes I was even SCREAMING IT! What the fuck? What the [i]FUCK?![/i] How could you be so goddamn ignorant of something like that. After that I got pretty fuckin demoralized. Stuck to dropping hints about therapy rather than explicitly stating it, bottled up my emotions more. I kind of gave up hope. Then, last month, I had one last sit down with my mom, where I basically told her that all the problems I've been having haven't gone away on their own, that I'm still depressed, that my suicidal thoughts have been getting worse and worse, etc. Most important of all, though, I asked her why the hell I haven't seen a therapist yet, since I keep asking her to take me to one but nothing is being done? And you know what her answer was? "I didn't know you wanted to see a therapist." ... I want you to reread that. Because I did not make that up. Those were her EXACT wordss. I was honestly speechless. My jaw literally dropped. All I could manage to say was "Are you serious?" before just changing the subject. The whole thing still feels pretty fucking surreal a month later. My hypothesis is that maybe the whole thing was so upsetting for her that her brain just laser-guided-erased all memory of it as some sort of self-defense mechanism. That is literally the only explanation I can come up with for how the fuck she could be so goddamn ignorant. I actually told this story to my IRL and Steam friends, most of whom have parents that are or were genuinely abusive (like, throwing their child down the stairs abusive) and even they hadn't fucking heard of anything that ridiculous. I seriously don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do at this point, because NOTHING is being done. I can legally go and see a therpist on my own as I'm 18, but I can't do that because; 1) I rely on my parents health insurance since I don't have a job, and I can't use theirs because my parents have to renew it. It's been several weeks since they said they were going to and there has been no news whatsoever, so who knows when they will ever get around to it. And 2) I don't know how to drive. It's not even that they don't have the money to take me to a doctor or anything, they flat out said, to my face, that they pay literally nothing for my healthcare and my doctors visits, so I don't know what the fuck. They aren't busy, either; all they do every single weekend is just lay on the couch and watch TV the entire day, they don't have any fucking plans to get in the way, they never have. I probably sound like such a spoiled fucking prat in this post. I'm sorry. I'm just really upset with my parents, maybe more specifically my mom since she's the one I talk to about all these problems (since my step-dad is barely there) and the fact that no matter how much I beg them to do something about my problems, nothing ever happens. Some of the stuff I wrote is probably real hyperbolic, too. Especially the parts where I implied I was asking them to take me to a therapist all day every day 24/7; it was more like once a week. Also, before you say it, I have called the suicide hotline multiple times, but all I ever get from them is 'oh that must be so terrible' and 'mmm that sounds real tough' and 'you just have to take things one day at a time' until they come to the fantastically observant conclusion that I have depression and should see a therapist. Wow, no shit. Plus I'm scared that if I keep calling them then one day I'll end up with them calling the cops on me and having the police knocking on my door; I've heard way more horror stories about that kind of thing happening than I'm comfortable with.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51847406]I have an urge to cut myself the depression is overwhelming right now[/QUOTE] You'll get through it dood, don't listen to that nagging voice inside your head, it isn't yours.

I wish I could be hugged and just cry on someone's shoulder. I just wanna be reassured that everything is gonna work out just fine :cry:

I didn't hurt myself I just thought about it. I have a case worker coming to my house tomorrow to meet with me. I'm going to see about being put on disability since I'm unemployed and in mental health treatment. I'm in a good mood today so far so I think I'm going to have a good day.

I just can't help but compare myself to other people and I really hate myself for being so inferior to people younger than me. The thing is that I'm slow and inferior in things I'm not supposed to be bad in. I've seen younger people do and achieve great things while I can do nothing and every time I try to achieve what they can, even just the smallest, I fail. That's only one of many things that those people can do great at. I hate when it takes me countless years to learn about something only to have a kid learn and master it in hours. It can take more than half an hour for me to just read and understand a few lines. Today I just failed a remedial of a test (failed twice) which the material is only 1 page long. I don't know if I'm just legit slow and inferior or that my depression or anxiety and all is making me slow and inferior, maybe it's both. Also the reason I want to go to study art in college is because that's the thing I'm only interested in and because my parents are desperate about me. If they didn't know about my situation they would be pushing me to go to university to study engineering or economy or some shit and of course I wouldn't have any chance to get in and I probably would be the first person whose head literally explodes from studying that, and even then my dad is still pushing me to go to high university. I'm afraid when I do go to art class in college I'm the only person that doesn't understand x, is the worst in class at something or everything or everyone else can do everything this and I can't do nothing and I'll take a lifetime to do a scratch of what they can do. Some people have issues with studying but in the end they got around their problem, I didn't. I am genuinely slow and inferior, even to kids way younger than me. I don't want to stay in school for 50+ years learning 1 subject. Who's gonna pay for 50+ years of expensive school? What's gonna motivate me for all those years? What if want to get out and work and create stuff so bad but I'm stuck? What if I pass when I'm 80 years old and I have no more energy and time to do whatever I want with what I learn and just die of old age right after? Staying in school for many years while you see your underclassmen come and go, passing, is just going to make me sad. There's really no point in putting off disappearing or death when life is constantly making you unhappy and depressed and is going downhill no matter what you do. Nothing makes me happy anymore. It feels like all I do is waste time and money and it feels like it should've been for someone else who deserves it, I don't. I just want to be gone, I don't deserve a place here in life because I'm nothing but a waste and it feels like someone better should take my place. At least they can make other people happy and proud, and not waste money and time. [editline]20th February 2017[/editline] yeah, i also just want a girl i can just hug and cry on, being assured that everything's gonna be fine. Oh wait, I had her but why the fuck do I always screw up I said something wrong and now she's left me. I'm all alone and nothing makes me happy. I don't want to go around replacing her. After what another girl did to me I don't trust anyone and I hate myself I really just want to disappear.

I should stop worrying about the future and just live in the moment.

I don't think I'm ever going to use Facebook again it just depresses me

I'm pretty sick and tired of being home alone the majority of the time. I barely go out as well because everyone I know is into getting drunk etc. and I don't drink, so :v:

Had a relatively silent breakdown a bit ago. I just want to get this shit off my chest. Never join communities with batshit insane leaders. As soon as that leader shows any signs of being batshit crazy, make all the friends you can and then leave as soon as you can. Don't ever come back.

So far I'm doing good no suicidal thoughts tonight.

My girlfriend had broken up with me only a few days ago, and my body physically hurts and it turns out I'm actually dealing with a legitimate medical condition called "Broken Heart Syndrome". Right now I'm feeling a mix of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anybody else; I'm normally a sarcastic asshole with people I consider friends and can be kind & attentive when I need to be, but these past few days I notice how much of dick I'm being to certain people without good reason, sort of like being on a short fuse and any little thing can set me off. I'm not a normally angry person either, but it's scaring me that I'm starting to not care about being an asshole or having a short fuse, and that it feels sort of good to do these things. Don't know if anyone has experience dealing with this too, but it's a weird experience for me.

[QUOTE=huntingrifle;51853058]My girlfriend had broken up with me only a few days ago, and my body physically hurts and it turns out I'm actually dealing with a legitimate medical condition called "Broken Heart Syndrome". Right now I'm feeling a mix of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anybody else; I'm normally a sarcastic asshole with people I consider friends and can be kind & attentive when I need to be, but these past few days I notice how much of dick I'm being to certain people without good reason, sort of like being on a short fuse and any little thing can set me off. I'm not a normally angry person either, but it's scaring me that I'm starting to not care about being an asshole or having a short fuse, and that it feels sort of good to do these things. Don't know if anyone has experience dealing with this too, but it's a weird experience for me.[/QUOTE] I know what you're going through. I had my heart broken by my ex girlfriend before and it hurt really bad. It still does hurt sometimes. You just got to focus on other things and over time you will feel better.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51851613]I don't think I'm ever going to use Facebook again it just depresses me[/QUOTE] Facebook is a big cause of depression man, all over the world. You would be better off without it. I only use mine for messenger now. [editline]21st February 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=huntingrifle;51853058]My girlfriend had broken up with me only a few days ago, and my body physically hurts and it turns out I'm actually dealing with a legitimate medical condition called "Broken Heart Syndrome". Right now I'm feeling a mix of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anybody else; I'm normally a sarcastic asshole with people I consider friends and can be kind & attentive when I need to be, but these past few days I notice how much of dick I'm being to certain people without good reason, sort of like being on a short fuse and any little thing can set me off. I'm not a normally angry person either, but it's scaring me that I'm starting to not care about being an asshole or having a short fuse, and that it feels sort of good to do these things. Don't know if anyone has experience dealing with this too, but it's a weird experience for me.[/QUOTE] Happened to me for a short while but it will pass, just keep on doing what you're doing and don't think you have a medical condition or whatever, it happens to everyone.

True I think I'm going to stay away from facebook. I'm feeling kind of stressed out right now over something stupid. I'll be fine in a few hours but my anxiety is through the roof right now. Anyway I called my case worker to reschedule our appointment for tomorrow and I also got my intake tomorrow for my new program and another appointment with them later then I'm seeing my case worker so I'm going to have a busy day tomorrow

i just want to live a life without all these problems I have. I'm getting better at managing them but they still bother me. Maybe one day my substance induced psychosis will go away. It was triggered by alcohol so it might not be permanent but it also could be

Vented to one of my friends about one of my friends with a mental illness. I feel rather bad for him, because he is either way to on, and at this point he does not now the struggles I face. But 3 days in a row now, he have messaged me like "Yo, can I come to your place and hang out?" and it is making me nervous, like I'm not there for him. I have slept badly because I'm scared he might just all of a sudden pop up outside my apartment, thinking I will come running out and be with him. I feel trapped in a way, and that he depends on me, and it really makes me anxious about everything, especially stuff going on too. And most likely, as meant to be nice, he lied to me when I completely lost it last week, and that really soured the whole thing for me. And I'm scared, because all of a sudden, he picked up a lot of energy because of his bipolarity. And I might end up in a flat with him, meaning I might break. And if he didn't lie, he told a lot people I know about the struggles I felt, which makes me not trust him especially anymore... I feel a little backstabbed, and from time to time I do know he means it in a nice way, but he is a little... exhausting. I think he tells me on a daily basis how much he loves me and so on... It just get a little too much... But I don't know how to tell him this... Fuck, why me...

Feeling exceedingly underappreciated in my own home. Keep having things dropped on me at the last minute without being consulted about it first. For the record, I'm a full time art student with two studio classes and two online classes, with 3 projects occurring simultaneously in the two studio classes alone. I also work weekends, earn extra money by doing mturk when I can, and try to also spend time training my dog and spending time with my boyfriend. All of which my family doesn't give an actual shit about because I'm constantly hearing "nobody's gonna be here to watch Kylie (my ten month old niece), so you're gonna be here right?". Like YES maybe I'll be here but to split my focus between my work and a baby is asking too much of me and is not even asking at all so much as telling and it absolutely infuriates me. But, of course, the rest of my family are entirely capable of pitching a fit and having their temper tantrums which I do not have the energy for ever and so I end up relenting because what else am I supposed to do? I want to [I]leave[/I] but I'm stuck here with no sustainable income to get me out. And I'm really fucking sick of it.

[QUOTE=Pascall;51856248]All of which my family doesn't give an actual shit about because I'm constantly hearing "nobody's gonna be here to watch Kylie (my ten month old niece), so you're gonna be here right?". [/QUOTE] Might be time to drop an anonymous tip to CPS about this. Depending on how bad this is anyway - like has Kylie ever been left home alone unsupervised, left in a car unsupervised, etc? But I'd just let them know - yeah I'll probably be home, but I might have to go do something so you should hire a babysitter.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51856337]Might be time to drop an anonymous tip to CPS about this. Depending on how bad this is anyway - like has Kylie ever been left home alone unsupervised, left in a car unsupervised, etc? But I'd just let them know - yeah I'll probably be home, but I might have to go do something so you should hire a babysitter.[/QUOTE] No she's never been left alone. There are six people in this house, they just like to make plans that result in me not being able to say no otherwise THEY have to cancel THEIR plans and then make me feel guilty. She's well taken care of, I just don't like having to take on the role of the babysitter without pay. At the very least, they should start compensating me if I'm gonna be watching her for any longer than an hour. Then at least I'd be getting something out of it.

Not feeling too great right now. I think I might start taking vistaril again for anxiety. I was given that in the hospital for anxiety.

what the fuck. my depression went away for about a week and just came back today.

-snip-

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51856625]Not feeling too great right now. I think I might start taking vistaril again for anxiety. I was given that in the hospital for anxiety.[/QUOTE] Can I ask what you were in the hospital for? Vistaril is generally used as a sedative but also treats anxiety. Have you had success on it or was it more of a one time thing? I ask because I use clonazepam myself and it's aimed directly at panic disorders.

[QUOTE=jbthekid;51856956]Can I ask what you were in the hospital for? Vistaril is generally used as a sedative but also treats anxiety. Have you had success on it or was it more of a one time thing? I ask because I use clonazepam myself and it's aimed directly at panic disorders.[/QUOTE] I checked myself in the hospital about a year ago because I was very suicidal and almost took my life. I think vistaril helped my anxiety mostly because it made me too tired to care about anything.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51857016]I checked myself in the hospital about a year ago because I was very suicidal and almost took my life. I think vistaril helped my anxiety mostly because it made me too tired to care about anything.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry to hear that, been pretty close to a situation like that myself in the past. I'd say if Vistaril works good for you then see what you can do about taking it. I just wanted to throw other benzodiazepines out there in case you were looking for something different. Clonazepam makes me clear headed and reduces my anxiety immensely. It's not too much of a downer although that's what it is. I just don't get very tired off of it.

I was thinking about trying other benzos maybe. Clonazepam sounds like a good one too. I might ask about that when I see my psychiatrist in 3 weeks

Apathy is hitting like a son of a bitch right now. I feel like a zombie. Also getting some weird bouts of nostalgia and spend 80% of my time listening to old anime OSTs and openings and getting myself even more upset since I literally have no time to watch anything, or so I feel. Shit sucks. I don't want to ruin the memories of things I love(d) which also is basically rending me in two here. But I have literally spent the past 3-4 hours just sitting here in my own head. Then I get to wake up at 7 tomorrow for work. Great fun as usual. Mornings aren't the worst part of it. I don't mind it too much I guess. But seeing my friends just consistently engage in self destructive behavior is just too much for me. I don't want to even see shit like that anymore. But here i'm just sitting doing jack shit. Vaping ass off. Better than cigarettes though. I don't want to rat one of them out to his parents but at the same time it just hurts seeing him ignore all of his problems just to get fucking high for a night, then repeat his endless loop. It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the same rut i guess. I wake up, barely eat, have lunch at work, go home, pick at my food, sit there, go to sleep. repeat the cycle. z.z I know shit is really hitting the fan when I'm literally longing for LittleKuriboh's series We're Still Here. It's the only way I can feel better even for an hour. But those are every Monday, and it's Wednesday. Funnily enough, I don't even cry. I just sit and observe. I relate in a way. I feel like I understand what he or whoever his guest speaker says about depression. But I can't empathize with it at times. I hurt but I don't even know what is hurting anymore. I almost feel like im faking. But something just feels wrong to me. I still absolutely adore the series itself. Even if I'm feeling just absolutely empty right now. Martin really speaks out to me at times which is, shocking to say the least. Hopefully I'll feel better sometime. This weeks episode still got me up for a bit though. Even if the up was shorter than ever. Heres a link if anyone is interested. [video=youtube;XGiav7yAYdo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGiav7yAYdo[/video]

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51851613]I don't think I'm ever going to use Facebook again it just depresses me[/QUOTE] Agree. I never used Facebook over 2 years right now. Not because it is depressing, but cause isn't pleasant to my eyes.