Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I don't know if it fits in here, but I'll try my best to describe my situation. Last weekend I went out with some classmates (it's been a long time since I went out with them), and it was really pleasing and fun for all of us. But today, one of my friends just asked me who, among the ones I went out, were my friends. I named 2 or 3 people out of 9 people and she simply replied with "they're not your true friends.". I thought she was joking with me at first, but then a few moments later she asked me why didn't I tell her what happened there, and she looked quite upset at me. I said "well, because you never read when I send you a message, so I thought you were away from your phone", and she seemed okay. But that's not the issue. After this last chat, I began to wonder: what if she's right, and I'm fooling myself to think the people I hung out with are my friends? They don't talk to me and don't seem to care about me at all. It's not the first time I had these thoughts, but now they are more intense and I'm even thinking it's all a lie and that I don't have any friends at all, and that someday the people I trust the most outside my family will just stab me on the back and abandon me. I keep thinking it's my fault for my isolation, and that people make me think they like me when, in reality, they dislike me. And I keep thinking that not a single one of them would even notice if I disappeared some day.

I'm alive, and I had some stuff happen. My co workers have mixed feelings about me, almost everyone likes having me work there and they talk with me and it's good. However that kid that used to bully me in highschool has been spreading rumors to my co workers and now one of them hates me. She is technically my supervisor, she comes to work baked all the time and has a short temper with everyone. She yelled at me for cleaning up too early towards the end of my shift, and I went home and cried. Shortly after my brothers came up to visit and we played video games and ate popcorn to try and forget about stuff, well I left some popcorn kernels on the kitchen countertop and forgot to put the bag away (was gonna do it after me and my bros hung out) and my grandmother came upstairs, stumbling, screaming, slurring, and drunk. She yelled at me and my brothers and then she said "YOU NEVER CARE ABOUT YOUR FATHER! DO YOU WANT TO KILL HIM!?! YOU LEFT A MESS! HE CAN'T CLEAN IT OR HE'LL DIE! DO YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL!? YOU'RE A MURDERER! YOU FUCKING SELFISH IDIOT!" etc. etc. she wouldn't let me respond because she kept saying how she's right. I laughed at her and she told me to get the fuck out... my dad has been suffering from congestive heart failure since he was 14 from growing up morbidly obeese from my grandmother's over-salty cooking. (she feeds her kids pasta every day, she adds an entire brick of crisco and tons of salt and I've vomited from eating it every time. Her, and all her kids are massivley overweight and have health problems. she has the nerve to call me anorexic) So my dad has been in and out of hospitals for as long as I remember. He's been abusive too, just not as badly as my grandmother. She pretty much yelled at me and blamed me for his poor health because I didn't clean up fucking popcorn kernels. My little brother stepped in and yelled at her. She yelled at him, I told my brothers to let me handle it. My grandmother started trying to turn me and my brother's against eachother by yelling saying how I'm the reason the family is a mess. I'm becoming disturbed and scared that my family has hated me from the begining. It's just sad, and it makes me furious. [B]My father's friend was abused by my grandmother and she offered to take me in but I guess she isn't allowed because my grandma made threats to her. One of my bosses from my old job (the cleaning company) even said to me she didn't like working for my family because there was something "wrong" with them. [/B] So basically I am at my dads apartment right now, cleaning up and packing. My gameplan was to wait until thursday to pick up my last paycheck. Tommorow I was going to take a cab to the RMV, get my driver's liscence, and put a downpayment on a car. But If I lose my job I'll be fucked. Right now I have no restraints or payments I owe to anything and it would be the best time to flee, I'm technically not supposed to be at my dad's place right now but no one is home. My dad keeps pretending like nothing happened, same with my grandma. Everyone is saying "oh she said it out of anger." ... bitch that doesn't excuse it. My grandma abused me from my childhood into adulthood, why?! I don't know. It's disturbing me deeply. I was told my grandmother did this to me deliberatley on my birthday to make me miserable. Well it fucking worked. I'm 19 years old and I already want to fucking kill myself. My life keeps getting worse. Seriously what is this?! Wtf is next? [editline]22nd August 2016[/editline] I'm just a fucking kid I don't know what the hell to do. I'm not sure where to begin when it comes to getting a liscence and insurance and all that shit. My parents never helped me with that, and I'm researching it but I'm not sure where to begin. I'm scared and alone. [editline]22nd August 2016[/editline] I just want to have a place of my own out where it's warm, I want to be a personal trainer and help people keep themselves healthy, I want to have my own car, good health, a girlfriend, and a stable life. That's all I want out of life. But It's never going to happen.

I got a job interview Wednesday. I've been unemployed for months now so hopefully I'll start feeling better once I start working

Why does everyone hate me? I wish I wasn't as dumb and stupid...

[QUOTE=PredGD;50928430]Keep in mind that if you end up diagnosed with it, that means you were already suffering from it. Its just a way to describe your issues, not add more. If life is okay enough right now and you get the diagnosis, so what? Nothing is gonna change other than you getting proper help and closure on what's wrong.[/QUOTE] but you never hear about any schizophrenics making it successfully. yet alone achieving what i want to, which is to develop an indie game or something of the sort. i am probably being a bad person right now, however, as i don't display really any of the telling symptoms of the disorder, other than the "negative" symptoms. but that could be more plausible explained by other things...

My friends have this perception that I'm a bastion of integrity and motivation even though I feel like I'm bordering on being a neet and constantly grappling with depression. Culminated with handing out some advice to friends over drinks and then opening up to another for the first time in my entire life about something that had been bothering me since college. Felt nice for a change. I've got an interview coming up for some volunteer work which should be good. [editline]22nd August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=GoldAssassin;50930890]Why does everyone hate me? I wish I wasn't as dumb and stupid...[/QUOTE] People don't hate you.

[QUOTE=pith_;50932310]but you never hear about any schizophrenics making it successfully. yet alone achieving what i want to, which is to develop an indie game or something of the sort. i am probably being a bad person right now, however, as i don't display really any of the telling symptoms of the disorder, other than the "negative" symptoms. but that could be more plausible explained by other things...[/QUOTE] There's varying degrees of schizophrenia though and it sounds like you're one of the higher functioning ones if you do have it. If this is anything to go by, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia myself and have made major advances in getting a better life. My diagnosis was pulled back (just because I did drugs 2-3 times while I had the diagnosis) so I have no idea if I am schizophrenic or not anymore, but it seems like the possibility of it being there is still around as my new psychologist is poking around with diagnosis within that field once again. Just google for schizophrenic success stories, there's plenty of them out there! A diagnosis is not the end of everything, it's the beginning of something better. You'll learn how to cope with what you're struggling with and you'll get the proper help.

Here's an exact representation of me since three months. [IMG]http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/i-feel-sometimes-the-walls-are-moving.jpg[/IMG] Even the optical illusion is a bit semblant to what i feel when confronted to a busy visual scene.

Not sure what the correct term would be for this, but it seems like my empathy has disappeared quite a lot. People talking problems, stuff happening to them, etc, it just doesn't phase me. I feel like I should feel something but nothing is there. All I can really think is "well, that sucks I guess" when previously I could get all teary on their behalf (depending on the severity of course). It's not like I don't care, I just don't have any emotional response to negative events that affects others. It seems to go hand in hand with my disinterest in what people are talking about in general too. My emotions are far from gone, I still get hurt emotionally when things are targeted against me, I just seem to struggle with having a proper emotional response when I'm not the target but someone I know is. I suppose it could be because I'm not really interested in any of my friends or family. That they're the "wrong people". Though I don't think I should jump the gun to assume that so fast, it could very well be me. It's a little frustrating since it's so hard to engage socially when people are so uninteresting and their issues just doesn't phase me at all. Perhaps I've just reached my limit in how much venting I can receive since I have been a big receiver of it, with complaints and trash talking left and right.

I've been wondering about my diagnosis of schizo affective disorder. What's the difference between that and schizophrenia? I didn't really ask the psychiatrist. I was also diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder

Anyone have any experience with service dogs? Been looking for ways to mitigate symptoms of my chronic pain and illness which is one of the biggest things that factors into my anxiety and depression and psychiatric/mobility service dogs were recommended to me. I've been doing a colossal amount of research on them and considering my goal is to be moved out by sometime late next year, I'm thinking that having a service dog with me to help me be more independent would be very beneficial. But I've been looking for people who have dealt with them or seen them in action to get more opinions. It'd help a lot.

I had the chance of talking (just talking feels good already) with someone I really want to get close to but I will never have the change to, and it was quite the personal stuff. However, only a few seconds later, I woke up. It puts me in a very bad mood throughout the whole day after suddenly remembering that dream in the middle of the day. These special and happy moments, moments that I really am wishing to happen, only happens in my dreams and only for a short time before I wake up. This kind of dreams have been happening for some time now, maybe like 3 or 4 times but it was very memorable. These kind of things only happens in dreams, unfortunately, and my dreams never come true unless they're nightmares. I wish that I could just escape into a dream world...

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;50938550]I've been wondering about my diagnosis of schizo affective disorder. What's the difference between that and schizophrenia? I didn't really ask the psychiatrist. I was also diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder[/QUOTE] It kind of... varies. Schizoaffective disorder, at its most basic, is essentially a combination of (mild) schizophrenia and a mood disorder (bipolar or major depressive). But with full schizophrenia the symptoms have to persist for at least 6 months, while with schizoaffective disorder the symptoms just have to be there at around the same time as a mood disturbance (manic or depressive episode). If you only get psychotic symptoms at the same time as depressive symptoms, then it's typically just diagnosed as "major depressive disorder with psychotic features". If the psychotic symptoms last for at least two weeks surrounding that, then it's schizoaffective. If the symptoms persist for at least 6 months, it's schizophrenia. But as it's essentially a combination of two separate disorders, opinions vary on what it means.

i thought that i would feel better when i got a job i don't feel better at all

I think my interview went good. I should hear back in a few days. I know I'll be upset if I don't get it but I have to prepare for that just in case.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50939537]Anyone have any experience with service dogs?[/QUOTE] One of my close friends from when I was growing up was blind and had a service dog (still has the same dog ten years later as well) to help out with day-to-day life. I obviously can't say from a viewpoint of having needed/had one, but from what my mate said it was "the most useful and beneficial" thing for him as far as gaining confidence to be more independent. They're incredibly well trained as well, so it's just about being confident enough in yourself to be able to trust and work with the dog which is the thing that might slightly cause some problems. I also donate to and sponsor a guide dog organisation that's close by to my house, and have a family that trains seeing eye dogs as my neighbours, so I can say that they're always incredibly well trained to do what field of work they're trained for really well. Don't know how helpful that was (I'm pretty horrible at expressing myself as well so sorry about possibly being difficult to understand), but hopefully you got something out of that! :smile:

god is real and he wants to torture me, as edgy as that sounds thats what i feel is happening

One minute I'm having the time of my life looking up sillyass mugshots from people in my county and the next I come across one of my ex who evidently got arrested after we broke off and I forgot about her for the most part. Now all the memories of me and her are flooding back like a fountain just because I saw her on a mugshot website for possessing weed. I'd genuinely kill myself if I felt like I didn't have obligations.

Maan, I don't understand why apathy and exhaustion has hit me as much as it has. I feel like I'm doing everything right to prevent exactly these two things. I'm filling up my vitamin deficiencies (D and B12) which should help but hasn't yet, I hit the gym which is a great anti depressant which doesn't seem to help either, I eat very healthily and yet I'm always exhausted. I'm pretty sure I also sleep more than enough so that can't be an issue either. I have zero energy, I can't be bothered to do much at all. At the very least I am able to maintain stuff like going to the gym and making food, but much else is really hard. If I get a message I'll just let it sit for hours on end before I can be bothered to open it since I can't be arsed to talk with anyone. There has been moments where I've left my phone unattended a whole day just because I got a message. So frustrating when I feel like I'm doing everything right and instead of getting the results I want, I get the opposite.

I've been having an uncomfortable pressure on my chest and extreme tiredness all week, with extreme discomfort going as far as making me unable to sleep. My vision even went to shit a little bit coming out of sauna last week. I phoned some help-line that gives you instructions and basically the instructions after hearing me were "Go to the emergency room. Like, now when there aren't that many people lining in yet." So I WALK there. The dude evaluating the need just kind of listens to me, looks at me, tests my pulse and sends me to the waiting room with basically "If you feel weak or dying, knock on some doors for help." I sit there for two hours, they call me in and super-quickly test my blood-pressure etc. Then I go back to waiting. Wait for few more hours, they take a blood-sample and electrocardiogram and tell me it takes around 2 hours for the results to be examined and I'll get called then. I go back to waiting, and around 10 minutes later a doctor calls me with the electrocardiogram in her hand and I think "Well, I've lived a good life." But no, that things readings were on excellent-level and she examined me pretty thoroughly. Nothing wrong, everything's as it should be. Then they take X-rays of my lungs. Nothing wrong. Blood-test comes back. Nothing wrong, you can leave. So yeah, still feeling the same stuff. Tired, existing is a bit of a chore, I can feel my heartbeat on my throat etc. I intended to do shit on this vacation. First week was great, but then this happened. I'm super-bummed about it, I can't do anything besides sit on my ass and get sad.

I'm slowly going insane, my insomnia has hit such a high point that I'm living every day in utter exhaustion that I can do nothing about. If it's not my sister's five month old child waking me up every morning, it's someone talking loudly outside my bedroom. If it's not someone talking loudly outside my bedroom, it's someone using the treadmill in the garage which is literally on the other side of my wall. If it's not that, it's someone just walking into my room to tell me something stupid and trivial at like 8am when I'm desperately trying to get more sleep. I can't leave. I don't make enough money right now. But I'm starting to get so frustrated. I just want to sleep. Nobody lets me and it's getting to a point where I am going to break down one morning if someone so much as makes a goddamn peep anywhere around my room. I'm so tired just let me sleep.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50956981]I'm slowly going insane, my insomnia has hit such a high point that I'm living every day in utter exhaustion that I can do nothing about. If it's not my sister's five month old child waking me up every morning, it's someone talking loudly outside my bedroom. If it's not someone talking loudly outside my bedroom, it's someone using the treadmill in the garage which is literally on the other side of my wall. If it's not that, it's someone just walking into my room to tell me something stupid and trivial at like 8am when I'm desperately trying to get more sleep. I can't leave. I don't make enough money right now. But I'm starting to get so frustrated. I just want to sleep. Nobody lets me and it's getting to a point where I am going to break down one morning if someone so much as makes a goddamn peep anywhere around my room. I'm so tired just let me sleep.[/QUOTE] You should get some earplugs meant for sleeping. I have earplugs that let high hertz sound in (so I can hear my alarm) but very effectively block out everything else. I can't sleep at all without them. Though I can't imagine how it would block actual people just kind of pushing you awake, tell me you want to sleep or something? Though I have the ability to sleep all I want because I'm alone right now, so I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot.

[QUOTE=SgtTupelo;50957225]You should get some earplugs meant for sleeping. I have earplugs that let high hertz sound in (so I can hear my alarm) but very effectively block out everything else. I can't sleep at all without them. Though I can't imagine how it would block actual people just kind of pushing you awake, tell me you want to sleep or something? Though I have the ability to sleep all I want because I'm alone right now, so I'm sorry if I sound like an idiot.[/QUOTE] I can't use ear plugs because I rely on the white noise from my TV to help me sleep. I have some pretty wild hallucinations if it's completely dark in my room because of my poor eyesight and so I just keep my TV on some random channel at night on a very very low volume just loud enough for me to hear the sound of it being on. And if I use ear plugs, it blocks that out. And even telling people that I want to sleep or locking my door doesn't stop them from trying to come in. I live in a house with four other people and a baby, plus a babysitter 3 days out of the week, and my sister's boyfriend every few nights. It's packed here and I just want out honestly.

[QUOTE=SgtTupelo;50956801]I've been having an uncomfortable pressure on my chest and extreme tiredness all week, with extreme discomfort going as far as making me unable to sleep. My vision even went to shit a little bit coming out of sauna last week. I phoned some help-line that gives you instructions and basically the instructions after hearing me were "Go to the emergency room. Like, now when there aren't that many people lining in yet." So I WALK there. The dude evaluating the need just kind of listens to me, looks at me, tests my pulse and sends me to the waiting room with basically "If you feel weak or dying, knock on some doors for help." I sit there for two hours, they call me in and super-quickly test my blood-pressure etc. Then I go back to waiting. Wait for few more hours, they take a blood-sample and electrocardiogram and tell me it takes around 2 hours for the results to be examined and I'll get called then. I go back to waiting, and around 10 minutes later a doctor calls me with the electrocardiogram in her hand and I think "Well, I've lived a good life." But no, that things readings were on excellent-level and she examined me pretty thoroughly. Nothing wrong, everything's as it should be. Then they take X-rays of my lungs. Nothing wrong. Blood-test comes back. Nothing wrong, you can leave. So yeah, still feeling the same stuff. Tired, existing is a bit of a chore, I can feel my heartbeat on my throat etc. I intended to do shit on this vacation. First week was great, but then this happened. I'm super-bummed about it, I can't do anything besides sit on my ass and get sad.[/QUOTE] Sounds a lot like the chest tightening that sometimes occurs in people having anxiety issues. It sounded a lot like a panic attack's symptoms at first, but those are short term with occasional long term impairments. Have you been very stressed for any reason recently? that could be the root cause of it.

i've found a girl that likes me for me, two months in and she's everything I have ever wanted, she's lovely, accepts my flaws, helps me when hallucinations and suicidal thoughts kick in. In all honesty I fell in love with her months before we got together (we talked for months) and I feel like I should thank her every day for stopping me from ending my life a few months ago, the only draw back is that she lives an 1h 30min away from me, which isn't that much distance wise, but still annoying. I'm happier than I was but the thoughts of hurting myself are still there. The constant negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts haven't left me. I want to die but I also want to stay alive and make this girl happy. I don't want to die and leave her broken.

I don't get suicide. Why do people have to do it?

[video=youtube;ISCEilPMNak]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISCEilPMNak[/video] justin vernon has always been the only one to allow me to fully realize and accept my critical pain and frustration. our crises are different, but our confusion is the same. sometimes it makes me feel a little better, other times worse. anyway, it might be over soon [editline]27th August 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;50957234]I can't use ear plugs because I rely on the white noise from my TV to help me sleep. I have some pretty wild hallucinations if it's completely dark in my room because of my poor eyesight and so I just keep my TV on some random channel at night on a very very low volume just loud enough for me to hear the sound of it being on. And if I use ear plugs, it blocks that out. And even telling people that I want to sleep or locking my door doesn't stop them from trying to come in. I live in a house with four other people and a baby, plus a babysitter 3 days out of the week, and my sister's boyfriend every few nights. It's packed here and I just want out honestly.[/QUOTE] what about playing podcasts on the lowest volume through those rubber ear buds that block out most noise? is it worth trying even once? i don't mean to sound like a broken record, i'm just trying to think of a variation of this solution that will help to hold you over until you can get your own place. put a note on your door handle that says "i'm sleeping so if you turn this knob it had better be an emergency" and then setup a trap on the inside that douses them with water if they are asshole enough to bust in. that was just a bad joke, but actually maybe just have a talk with them about basic privacy if that's the root of the issue? get some egg carton foam and put it up on the garage wall, opposite your bed, to drown out the treadmill noise. put a heavy sound-dampening drape over your door and stuff sheets in the floor gap.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;50945405]god is real and he wants to torture me, as edgy as that sounds thats what i feel is happening[/QUOTE] I've always thought that if god existed i wouldn't want to meet him in person. But hey, don't worry, it's not god who is torturing you. I mean, the guy's got a goddamn eternity to do that after you die, why would he want to do that now when you're still alive?

I'm so tired of my medicine making me tired. I've been coming off of one but I still needed the Ritalin to counter the tiredness which has stuck around. I just started another which is making me extra tired even with the Ritalin. I could deal if it actually helped my mood, but the only way I've felt better lately is by putting in a ton of effort in therapy or by actually getting stuff done which is really hard even when I don't just feel like lying on the floor. Has anyone here had a depression medicine work for them? Kind of wondering what that's like right now.

i cant seem to focus on storys/get worried i'm not taking in all information. the past 3-4 months i've been relatively back to normal, and i've wanted to start watching movies/reading/gaming more, but i have this constant almost obcession with focusing on the story and seemingly not taking it in, and i feel my attention isnt what it should be. So, for example, i played to completion two games recently and watched two movies, of those two games every time i started the game, or finished a chapter i had to recap in my head everything i did, for the most part what characters had roughly said and get an idea as to where i was before i carried on. Same with movies/books, before i started again id religiously go through everything up until my set point. I guess that for the most part is fairly normal, but the thing is even when im playing/watching i have to keep doing this to tell myself i'm focusing and getting information in. And if i dont i get upset/annoyed at myself, as my mind keeps wandering often which is something i never experienced pre depression. It's started to become such a chore that i dont properly focus on storys/games because im so worried of forgetting and now i'm actively avoiding doing so to avoid upsetting myself, but i want to play and read and watch, theres so much ive missed this past year and a half that i want to experience, and i enjoyed the hell out of The Last of Us but keep getting angry that i wasnt focusing/paying attention to the story as my mind keeps wandering to other subjects. Is this normal? i really want this to be over so i can get back to enjoying everything i love properly.