Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Revelificent;51872717] Also I don't really believe ego death is a phenomenon. If I remember correctly from all the research I did, ego death is a natural part of the human cycle as the self goes through constant rebirth all throughout your whole life cycle.[/QUOTE] It is most existent from my experience, and will probably take me some time to come back from it. I never had the experience of such self destroying mental blankness ever before. In a way I do feel like I was punished for something. I guess you do get a newfound appreciation for your mortality when you are faced with potential annihilation.

I'm doing good today. I didn't wake up feeling depressed. Here's hoping my day goes good

I don't know why my emotions are so damn sensitive. Like if something minor good happens I feel on top of the world, and if something minor bad happens I can't stop thinking about it and feel crappy all day. Anyone else feel similar??

So where to start. I had a corrective spinal operation in december 2016, ever since then my father has been verbally abusing me (such as "Lazy cunt", "Wanker") just because I have the inability to bend downwards. Three of my closest friends have left me fearing that I'm causing "too much drama" oh that and my great uncle has fallen ill of cancer. I have the immediate urge to walk onto my local "A" road and get decapitated. I fucking feel awful. I've been taking Amitryptaline and one of the people I know at school accidentally split his nail in two after an exam. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in about 2010 and was applied with a Educational Statement in 2012. I hear things much louder, everything is so fucking bright and smells horrible, When I befriend someone its a fucking landmark in time. Last time I had a meltdown was this time last month where I ended up elbowing my fucking desk so hard, a visible hole became apparent, with enough diameter to stick a can of beans down. My surgery cost around £30,000 to £50,000 pounds, probably because people from all over the country came and operated on me and the fact that the screws inside me currently straightening my spine are made out of the same stuff as aircraft engines. Why in the living fuck would somebody pay that much for me, is beyond my reason. Everytime I think things are doing well, they're infact not and there's no reason to chin up because life is a giant fucking setup full of people who want and will kill you, psychologically or physically. Nothing will ever get better. Not even death. Death is cold and dark. I've been unconscious before, for about 5 seconds mind, and that's enough to stop me but its cold and dark with nobody there or being in a world where everybody tries to kill you. Why the fuck does everyone want to hurt me? [editline]25th February 2017[/editline] Its like the entire world is out to get you and you're armed with nothing but a bent stainless steel spoon with the words "fuck you" etched on it.

[QUOTE=Magrathea;51874228]So where to start. I had a corrective spinal operation in december 2016, ever since then my father has been verbally abusing me (such as "Lazy cunt", "Wanker") just because I have the inability to bend downwards. Three of my closest friends have left me fearing that I'm causing "too much drama" oh that and my great uncle has fallen ill of cancer. I have the immediate urge to walk onto my local "A" road and get decapitated. I fucking feel awful. I've been taking Amitryptaline and one of the people I know at school accidentally split his nail in two after an exam. I could kill to drink some napalm. Seriously. [editline]25th February 2017[/editline] My surgery cost around £30,000 to £50,000 pounds, probably because people from all over the country came and operated on me and the fact that the screws inside me currently straightening my spine are made out of the same stuff as aircraft engines. Why in the living fuck would somebody pay that much for me, is beyond my reason. To make things worse, I watched a bit of "Goodbye Lenin" to try and cheer myself up, only to realize that there's a scene where this woman is screaming as she sees her son being beaten up by police, so much so she has a heart attack. Everytime I think things are doing well, they're infact not and there's no reason to chin up because life is a giant fucking setup full of people who want and will kill you, psychologically or physically. Nothing will ever get better. Not even death. Death is cold and dark. I've been unconscious before, for about 5 seconds mind, and that's enough to stop me but its cold and dark with nobody there or being in a world where everybody tries to kill you.[/QUOTE] I know you feel terrible about your situation, I've been there in almost as terrible as one myself. I worked like a slave for two solid years for my high school leaving exams because I desperately wanted to become a doctor. As it happened, I missed out on getting into a medical college by a mere two percentile points. I was so heartbroken when I got the news, it felt as though any purpose was sucked out of my life with a giant vacuum cleaner. Nothing gave me joy any more, and I used to lie in my bed for hours, empty inside and just staring at the walls. My parents tried everything but couldn't manage to get me to take much of any interest in just about anything. As it happened, I didn't notice that I was slowly getting sick, and more sick, to the point that when I did notice, I didnt really give a shit. Then I collapsed one day and next thing I know, I was in the hospital, where the doctors told me I had contracted severe pulmonary and spinal tuberculosis, and told me I was lucky I'd got there on time. They were kind of severe with me when I told them why I ended up in that situation, and said that there were more ways to get into a medical college than simply scoring the needed percentile in the school leaving exams. They put me on a 6 month course of medication and a month of psychiatric counselling, and I slowly got better. While still on treatment, I determined to study for an entrance exam for a big private medical college, figuring I might as well give it another shot, and as it happened, I scored high enough that I was immediately admitted. Unfortunately I still have a reminder from my illness; one of my legs is slightly stiffer than the other, and I'm lucky it didnt end up permanently damaged to the point of paresis. You may feel that life may never get better but I was just like you at the time. I know how hopeless things can feel when shit goes bad, but that's just how life is. Good people sometimes suffer, while bad people seem to prosper. Life is like a slot machine - just because you put in coins doesn't mean you're going to win big. Sometimes you get made to feel like the biggest loser in the world, and that's never easy to bear under any circumstance. Just understand that no matter how dark or desperate things are, they eventually get better in their way if you will just see there's plenty to live for even when it seems all doors are closed. Always be hopeful, because if you lose hope, you lose everything, as well as your will to live. No matter how bad, or good, things may seem, they too will pass one day, which is the only certainty in life. My own life is still full of challenges and disappointments, but I have the will to go on even when it seems any sane person would have quit long ago, so as a result I've now graduated and left my first job at the end of last year with glowing recommendations from my boss and superiors. I hope you'll find the strength to go on yourself and I pray things get better for you someday.

Thank you so very much. I'm glad its not just me stuck in this horrible mess when everybody tries to swat you from existance.

[QUOTE=Blazyd;51874191]I don't know why my emotions are so damn sensitive. Like if something minor good happens I feel on top of the world, and if something minor bad happens I can't stop thinking about it and feel crappy all day. Anyone else feel similar??[/QUOTE] Yes, very similar

-snip-

[QUOTE=Blazyd;51874191]I don't know why my emotions are so damn sensitive. Like if something minor good happens I feel on top of the world, and if something minor bad happens I can't stop thinking about it and feel crappy all day. Anyone else feel similar??[/QUOTE] Same but I just go back to bed whenever something bad happens

Had a bad case of something yesterday. Suddenly out of nowhere : intense shivering, extremity of members getting very cold (fingers, feet), skin getting pale, palpitations and very [B]very[/B] strong nausea, feels i was gonna pass out and of course diarrhea five minutes later. I don't believe it was anxiety or a panic attack cause the presentation was different and i wasn't anxious before nor during the event. I'm sick of being... sick. And most importantly to be brushed under the carpet by shitty medical specialists.

I'm a little annoyed I haven't heard anything about a therapist. They said they would call me about getting me one but that was days ago

Feeling pretty shitty today. I got an email from the museum I was hoping to get an internship at over the summer, rejecting me. My parents have been pushing me to get an internship this summer and I feel hopeless right now. Why does everything I want reject me?

[QUOTE=Mr. Sarcastic;51877629]Feeling pretty shitty today. I got an email from the museum I was hoping to get an internship at over the summer, rejecting me. My parents have been pushing me to get an internship this summer and I feel hopeless right now. Why does everything I want reject me?[/QUOTE] It sucks to be rejected from a place you badly wanted to be employed in, but imo you should go and find another job. Most people get rejected quite a lot from their jobs, you know. If they gave you any reasons why you were rejected, focus on those when appearing for your next job. It may be they just found somebody who was a better fit as well. Don't see it as the end, but as a beginning. All we need to do is keep our eyes open to the opportunities around us instead of mourning for those which were gone.

Finally got around to getting anti-depressants. Here's hoping they'll kick in soon, but now I've got different thoughts. The more I think about it, read about it, and piece together my life and all the things I've done and how I react, the more I suspect I might have ADHD. I haven't gotten a professional opinion yet, but reading about the symptoms, literally all of them seems to fit in in some way or another, but I'm also intensely paranoid if I'm just making stuff up to validate being a lazy slob. What should I do?

I haven't really had any mood swings. I've been doing good so far. I had a great weekend and I just feel really good

i feel like i have no future

[QUOTE=EuSKalduna;51877811]Finally got around to getting anti-depressants. Here's hoping they'll kick in soon, but now I've got different thoughts. The more I think about it, read about it, and piece together my life and all the things I've done and how I react, the more I suspect I might have ADHD. I haven't gotten a professional opinion yet, but reading about the symptoms, literally all of them seems to fit in in some way or another, but I'm also intensely paranoid if I'm just making stuff up to validate being a lazy slob. What should I do?[/QUOTE] Get a profesional's opinion.

[QUOTE=EuSKalduna;51877811]The more I think about it, read about it, and piece together my life and all the things I've done and how I react, the more I suspect I might have ADHD. I haven't gotten a professional opinion yet, but reading about the symptoms, literally all of them seems to fit in in some way or another, but I'm also intensely paranoid if I'm just making stuff up to validate being a lazy slob. What should I do?[/QUOTE] Definitely go see a psychiatrist.

I require major support and I'm completely aware of that. But it also makes me depressed as it makes me feel worthless and a burden to others.

Starting my program on Wednesday. It's only 3 days a week I could of picked more but I wanted to see if I would like it first

It sucks when one of your friends is suicidal but you are too so you have to try and console them with advice you don't even believe/follow yourself.

I don't see how having 5 years experience in the mental health system is dumb

-snip missifre in the wrong thread, I was contimplating talking about some serious stuff that happened today, but I decided to abide in family. Apologies-

Also another thing the moral of what I was saying is that is better to try and save a life rather end one, and somehow people rated that moral context dumb, facepunch ya done goofed this time

I finally fixed my sleep schedule but I fucked up now I'm up all night

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51880789]I finally fixed my sleep schedule but I fucked up now I'm up all night[/QUOTE] You too? I fixed mine this weekend and I stayed up a little too late last night playing For Honor, next thing I know it's 4 am. Nothing kills my day more than waking up late and feeling lazy.

right, I'm back in the fucking dumps again. [QUOTE]Fuck it now that thoz did it i might aswell. Even though quasar already knew i removed him i'll explain why, i guess. Even though this is for rather personal reasons, it should be talked about, and i can't really say this in DM's or anything for rather obvious reasons. Quasar, the reason why i removed you is because you're constantly over dramatic. You take everything too fucking far, and you always come up with some bullshit excuse for your wrong doings. Such as "uh i was tired and i haven't slept for a certain amount of days". To which doesn't make up for your lack of common sense, and shit behavior. Not to mention everytime you want something, you leach off of people who can build, and you try and get shit from the. IE cars, trucks, E2's and then you "quasarfy" them, and you reupload them to FP. Not very nice. You also tend to get salty whenever people refuse to give you stuff, or you get immature about it. Take for example the time you wanted my jeep. Of course im no angel, but im pointing this out to get it off my chest. And for the love of god when you're bored go do something instead of telling people that you are. Because nobody cares. Here. Now you know why i removed you.[/QUOTE] This is getting out of hand. My heart is racing. I am sobbing all over my table. Somebody please fucking help me. This has gone too far. I need desperate help. I know I cock up sometimes with the entire thing but fucking hell this guy, Supertoaster73, he's making me panic so fucking much. We used to be friends but now he wants to kill me. I need fucking mental help. Somebody get me out of this world. please. I didn't mean to cause any pain or grief to anyone and now he wants to kill me. He was my truly only friend and now he turns against me and wants to gas me. I dont even know what I'm doing to cause this. Why the fuck was I supposedly blessed with a mental disorder that makes socalising difficult. Its so not fucking fair. It takes longer for me to do anything. It took me 5 years to speak my first words for fucks sake. It takes me 10 months to make a friend.

I feel sick today. I got a really bad headache

Fuck, I have two tests today and I accidentally fell asleep and didn't study. I have a chemistry test, law test, and chem homework and me and some friends went to do the homework and study from it at the same time. We found the answers online and decided to study law instead. You should know that even if I study for hours and hours straight, I would remember only 5% of what I studied. After that I went home to copy the homework and study the remaining stuff but I fell asleep. The thing is chem is supposed to be hard while law is not so hard and they expect that if you fail chem you probably put your time into law and pass that, not for me, I guess I'll have the award for worst score, most stupid, and weak again this time...

I had a good day. This girl made me feel better when I was a little depressed. I don't feel my depression when I'm with her. It feels good knowing she cares about me and that she's by my side. I have really bad depression so I think if we ever stopped talking it would break me. i fear losing her even though that's very unlikely to happen. I have her to talk to when I'm feeling depressed. I have other people helping me out too so that's also a good thing.