Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

This has been my most social weekend so far, I'm slowly improving :smile:

I had suicidal thoughts earlier but I'm better now. It bothers me I still have them even with all the medication I'm on. I'm on 3 different medications yet I still feel bad sometimes. I think they are working though because I do feel good through the majority of the day

I have another psychiatric evaluation Friday. I feel uncomfortable telling everything that's happened to me again but there's nothing I can do about that. At least Wednesday I'm going to see that girl and I'm going to ask if she wants to talk sometime after program. I'm a little nervous about that but I'm going to ask anyway because I don't want to miss out on the potential of something great. It would be really nice to talk to her because we're alike and I relate to her about a lot of stuff

I fucked up today. My anxiety is fucking me up so hard. I've felt fine for so long, until today. Haven't been this low or unsure and uncertain in ages. Everything is shit.

I have anxiety now because I've had a lot of appointments this week and if they tell me to come in Wednesday then I'll be upset. If they do I'm going to see if I can reschedule. I missed today because of an appointment I had in the morning

I've been pretty paranoid lately. I don't want to explain all the dribble, but lately I've been getting a lot of random phone calls from different states and cities at least twice a week. After I left my old community college, I got a message from an automated machine telling me to call back at my earliest convenience, and then thanked me for being a Barns n' Noble customer. I called the number, and when I dialed to speak to a real person, there was just silence. No ring, no elevator music, nothing. I hung up immediately. I also called my school directly to fix the problem, they said I had a clean library record. This all stems from when my mom got her purse stolen. Some guy literally walked into the doctors office she worked at, managed to walk to the back of the building where her cubical was, and swiped her purse. The entire thing was caught on tape. They guy just waltzed in, waltzed out. They called the police, but the never even fucking showed up. Ever since, I've been in constant fear that our personal information is just floating around some where. The caller ID has started to get closer to my area. I haven't answered any of the calls, but I then I fear that they are phishing my family too. I've created this perfect little conspiracy in my head in it sounds so fucking stupid but I'm also afraid of the slight possibility. Regardless, I'm going in to have my number changed tomorrow.

I feel a bit depressed right now. Atleast my anxiety is gone. I'm trying to just be more confident. It's getting better though I think. It makes me feel better my family is being more supportive. I think I'll be ready to work in a few months but for now I have to focus on this program and therapy

I feel like to prepare a week journey up in the northern mountains and end it there.

I just found out my grandma is in hospice. This is shortly after my grandfather dying around new years. I'm pretty upset over the whole ordeal. I can only imagine how my mom is doing.

I've been over reacting to hanging out with others with my SO lately. I feel my entire body tense up in anxiety as soon as the idea is brought up. I'm afraid that I'll not get attention from her, that the people we're with are going to be more fun than me and that ultimately she'll find out she wants to leave me. It's irrational since she's usually showering me with compliments and seems to enjoy my company a lot. I've had these thoughts with everyone I've ever come close to. Seeing a close friend play games with others is enough to trigger a minefield of negative thoughts that all relate to abandonment for example. Its as if I can't accept that I can't have people I care about all for myself even though I understand that's not possible. Its hard to even accept that my SO wants to go home to play games since it means she's going to leave me. Thoughts like "she's losing the spark for me", "I'm used up to her" and so on immediately fills my mind and leaves me scared. It sounds pretty cynical, but I don't like it when people I care about are enjoying themselves with others. I never tell them that it's not okay because I realize I can't be their life either but it still makes me feel threatened. Seems like my brain thinks that if people are having fun with others then it automatically means they've found someone better than me and that I can now be replaced at any time. This fear is the big reason I decided to isolate myself and never leave the house for 2 years. I would never go back to that but as soon as a situation like I described above pops up it makes the thought so reasonable and I want to go back. Trading pain with loneliness sounds like a good deal in the moment. Any tips? I wish I could just be okay with these things. I don't tell people to not do things because of my feelings so I'm never in the way, but I still wish I wouldn't feel all of this stuff since it hits me pretty hard and brings me on a depressive roller coaster.

Feeling pretty shitty. My friends from high school seem to be ignoring my texts. They're going places and hanging out without even asking me.

[QUOTE=Mr. Sarcastic;51928946]Feeling pretty shitty. My friends from high school seem to be ignoring my texts. They're going places and hanging out without even asking me.[/QUOTE] Did you call them to ask about this?

[QUOTE=Pascall;51917071]Got woken up today with news that some close childhood friends, two sisters, were hit head on by a drunk driver going the wrong way on the highway. The younger sister has some lacerations and they're checking for broken bones. The older sister is in a coma with internal damage. My brain is having a hard time processing it. I've known these girls since I was itty bitty and knowing that they're hurting like this is really fucking me up. I don't want my friend to die. And I'm scared that I won't be able to respond appropriately if she does. I hate drunk drivers.[/QUOTE] A follow up to this! The younger sister is okay with a small laceration on her arm. No broken bones and she's actually going back to work tomorrow. (Silly, but I'm not gonna stop her!) Older sister is still in the hospital but we've gotten news that she's making a pretty crazy recovery after the surgeries she had to undergo. They expect that she'll do very well but they still have her in critical care just in case. I'm optimistic. She's been through quite a bit in the past and I know she's tough. I'm not nearly as worried as I was when I heard the news. Still, I'm keeping them constantly in my thoughts. She might not ever be the same after this. Don't drink and drive, guys. Please.

When you hate yourself for so long that you become complacent and dont want to fix it anymore because you are used to it, even if you have a chance to.

So I just got a study session done with two friends: one boy and one girl. We depart and as we're walking to our cars she says "love you" as we enter my cars. I say "ha, gross." then I realize what an idiot I am and run up to her car I reply "back love you too." we laugh it off. as I walk back she says "love you. Night jder14." Now I know she means it as a friend, because we even talked about this earlier and she sees me as a friend. but the fact I had someone say "i love you." that wasn't my parents freaks me out. Because I never heard anyone say that before to me. I know I should be happy that I have someone like that cares about me but I don't know why it freaks me out so much and I'm kinda feeling shitty about it. i'm going to take some deep breaths when i get into bed tonight.

It really bothers me I still think about my ex girlfriend even though I have feelings for another girl. The thing is i have no feelings for the ex not even anger just literally nothing. It just annoys me to think about her when I'd rather forget I ever even known her. I don't know why I missed her before but that passed and now I feel nothing. I think it's a good thing I feel nothing towards her because I used to hate her so much but I don't even feel angry anymore. I just hope one day I will forget about her entirely. I'm mostly posting this on the depression thread because thinking about her sometimes makes my depression worse as they are unwanted thoughts. I guess I just needed to vent about this to get it off my mind. She can do whatever the hell she wants with her life because it makes no difference to me. I'm past feeling hurt because it's just not worth getting depressed over. Its for the best I never speak to her again. I try not to look at her Facebook but I fucked up and ended up looking out of curiosity. She has a new boyfriend which doesn't surprise me at all because i expected it would happen sooner or later. It didn't affect me at all because I really don't give a shit. I think that really does mean I'm over her since I felt nothing when I saw it. I think I'm going to end up blocking her on Facebook again just so it will stop me from looking again in the future. I honestly don't think she ever loved me considering how she just threw me away. I did love that girl and I was stupid to think we would be together for a long time. It doesn't even matter anymore because she's a completely different person now. I don't want anything to do with her ever again. Anyway I just had to get this off my mind to stop thinking about it.

I feel very nervous because I can't drive nor ride a motorcycle. Here in my country motorcycles are very common and 11-14 is the age where you should be able to ride a motorcycle but I can't and it feels like everyone in my school can do it except for me and I've seen very young people ride motorcycles daily and handle them well. My family don't have a motorcycle anymore and my mom wouldn't let me. I'm scared what if in the future I'm supposed to ride one? I think it's too late for me to learn. 16-18 is where you're expected to be able to drive, not necessarily own a car, but I can't do that too. I feel left out among my friends because I can't do neither and honestly I'm scared of driving what if I hit someone else's car? How do I know the front of my car wouldn't hit the car in front of me? This is making me nervous as fuck.

I started hallucinating so bad on my way home just now. I kept seeing shapes change form that were pulsing as well as smoke that wasn't there followed by flashing colors. It was the worst my psychosis ever acted up and I think it was triggered by anxiety

I still hear stuff, and I thought those fuckers were gone. Cunts are screaming at me doing something wrong or just asking me "Dude, right here" or simple calling my name. They usually do it when I least expect it, and at bad times too. Gets real freaky when you're in the woods and suddenly someone 5m away over that high ground tells me to go over there, and hell no I ain't. Always need to take some time to figure out if what I heard was real or not. Told my psychiatrist and he asked me if it was inside my head or outside, it's always outside and he didn't tell me what difference it makes (I want to know...). The only visual hallucinations I've gotten is weird dark shapes moving around or when I'm vividly exist in situations I'm not, like talking 5-30 minutes with my friends and suddenly wake up and realize nothing actually happened. What terrifies me most is that one day someone will notice me doing this. Haven't told him about those vivid experiences (and holy shit they're just like reality), and I think it's time for me to do that, since it's getting worse and I'm pretty sure it could become extremely dangerous. It started out a few years ago in college and I ended up walking towards the city, and then had to walk back. I wonder how it looked like when I got out of class, because all I know they said was "Where did you go?" and all I could say was that I needed some air or stretch my legs. Is this a psychosis or anything, or is it just my imagination taking over my reality.

Sounds like psychosis to me. We're you ever diagnosed with a psychotic disorder by your psychiatrist?

Hi everyone, I'm not entirely sure how to continue living like this. Since a few years I have some real issues regulating my emotions or dealing with various situations in my life. It's not like I'm outright suicidal or a shut-in but rather have extreme mood swings, it's absolute madness at times. It can switch so fast and makes me unable to perform basic tasks or deal with things in general. The constant agony between anger, anxiety, depression, euphoria or outright apathy is unbearable at the moment. I lost most of my friends at this point and my long-time girlfriend. Although we got back together in a half broken and good way, it helped me out a bit but it's still hard to manage your life. Everyday situations are just so tough. If I didn't have my work, gf or music I would have probably ended my life by now. Furthermore with the loss of all these things, I gets blown out of proportions. The aggression and lack of self preservation will surely lead to a disaster one day. So I went to several psychiatrist in the years with varying results but I have no doubt that I some definite bi-polar tendencies. Now I'm in a therapy of sorts with a psychologist which is really nice, she helps me out quite a bit and I called her once when I was about to fall apart. I'm seeing here since a few months now but I don't really feel like I progress all that much, it's nice to see her and share my thoughts on things. She also has some neat tricks here and there but overall it's more of a temporary solution, it's like a water drop on a hot stone. So I am wondering if I should just do a full time therapy in a psychiatrist hospital, perhaps a full blown break from life would help out, did anyone have any experiences thus far? My ex-girlfriend and cousin went to the local hospital and it was absolutely awful, they just thrown random people together and it results in massive chaos, also the docs never had much time and you were pretty much neglected and on your own.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51932396]Sounds like psychosis to me. We're you ever diagnosed with a psychotic disorder by your psychiatrist?[/QUOTE] All I got is Asperger, OCD, Tourette and some type of depression.

Just found out I might finally have a therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow. It's going to help me a lot talking about my problems and getting advice

Well. Birth control is out. Nearly had some sort of a panic attack though when he was done taking it out, felt all light headed and then mehhhh. :ohno: I hope to god my depression and anxiety will lessen without intervention after getting this done. I'm going to try to shed all the weight I gained too. That will be a pain, but I need too because my self esteem is in the shitter. At least I feel a bit at ease knowing the main cause of all this is GONE. Fuck.

[QUOTE=Paincake;51924189]I've been pretty paranoid lately. I don't want to explain all the dribble, but lately I've been getting a lot of random phone calls from different states and cities at least twice a week. After I left my old community college, I got a message from an automated machine telling me to call back at my earliest convenience, and then thanked me for being a Barns n' Noble customer. I called the number, and when I dialed to speak to a real person, there was just silence. No ring, no elevator music, nothing. I hung up immediately. I also called my school directly to fix the problem, they said I had a clean library record. This all stems from when my mom got her purse stolen. Some guy literally walked into the doctors office she worked at, managed to walk to the back of the building where her cubical was, and swiped her purse. The entire thing was caught on tape. They guy just waltzed in, waltzed out. They called the police, but the never even fucking showed up. Ever since, I've been in constant fear that our personal information is just floating around some where. The caller ID has started to get closer to my area. I haven't answered any of the calls, but I then I fear that they are phishing my family too. I've created this perfect little conspiracy in my head in it sounds so fucking stupid but I'm also afraid of the slight possibility. Regardless, I'm going in to have my number changed tomorrow.[/QUOTE] You got Verizon? Or any of the big telecoms? They sell your phone number to marketers and shit. Just add the numbers to your auto reject list and ignore it. They're mostly phone bots looking for answers to know who to get real people to call or who is receptive to scam calls in general.

I had a good day today at my mental health program but it makes me sad I only see this girl once a week from 10am to 2:30. She's the first person where I feel like I have a lot in common with. I sit with her at lunch and we talk for awhile. I just feel like it's to early to ask if she wants to talk after our program even though she's like the only person I speak to there

There's a girl in my college class I really like. She's geeky and adorable but I doubt anyone would ever like me. I mean, I don't even like myself so that doesn't help too much. I mean I can't even talk without getting really paranoid that I'm going to fuck it up so I just bail as soon as possible.

I'm feeling really depressed right now. I just want to go to bed but I'm not tired at all. I feel really empty and disconnected from everything. I hate this feeling so much. I hope therapy helps me because there's so much stuff that bothers me.

I think the "emotional numbing" side effect of my 40mg viibryd just hit me in the last day or so, boy is this ass. Does anyone feel that from their meds? Not just "I probably wouldn't react too strongly to crashing my car" type of numbing, but also responses to food, music, visual stimuli, hot/cold, hunger. And my brain feels super algorithmic right now. Totally keeping an eye on this and will take it up with my doctor man next time I see him. I like not being depressed and being way better interacting with people and being out in public than I used to but this level of detachment is not viable.

Had another hospitalization where I learned that the "as needed" medication Vistaril needs to be taken every six hours and isn't "as needed" for me. I get super agitated and suicidal when it wears off. It would have been nice for the doctor to tell me this during my last hospitalization.