Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

-snip- fuck it

Well jesus. About two weeks of feeling good from viibryd and now I've gone full zombie to the point where I'm looping back around and feeling depressed again. All the things I used to respond positively to don't really cause me to feel anything all of the sudden, this is awful.

Sometimes I feel like a failure and it depresses me. I got to work on getting my life back but all these problems I have makes it really difficult. I don't know how to manage some of these symptoms. I try to use some of the coping skills I learned from my program but the depression still wins sometimes

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51947185]So ever since I quit caffeine I can't do anything - I want to do one thing, start doing it - get bored in literal seconds and start thinking of something else to do. Try that, bored in seconds - repeat for hours. Is that ADHD?[/QUOTE] My experience with ADHD is do things that literally excite you and give you healthy and pertinent physical and mental stimulation, not procrastination. Caffeine is good in moderation, but it depends on your biological chemistry. A good question to ask yourself is whether you are doing something for a good reason, or whether you are forcing yourself to do something because you expect yourself to do it. [QUOTE=Mr Kotov;51945595]For what it's worth, my experience with Edinburgh University wasn't that great. Had very little support from staff and no guidance on the course at all. Didn't take me long to decide to transfer.[/QUOTE] My painting tutor said the same thing, also for Glasgow School of Art. I had an opportunity for an interview at Robert Gordon, but I never got the chance to go there. It's nice in Aberdeen, the people and community are kind, but I didn't have the train fares to make it over. My HND is lined up so I'll smash the first year to pieces and do my UCAS again.

God damnit! Why am I such a fucking usless fucktard? Honestly if I lost my job because of my own stupidity I'd just save everyone the trouble and run into the highway and fucking end it all. I still don't fucking understand why people like me. I have nothing but anger and rants to give. I have no dreams. I have no prospects left. My life means fucking nothing. I've only managed to not kill myself because someone cares about me. Granted I don't fucking understand why, there's nothing worthwhile to care about me. I've grown even more bitter towards people and sometimes just being around people makes me want to break their stupid necks. God damnit I just want to bash my head against the hardest fucking thing i can find and see which wins.

Thinking about the past just annoys me especially when I was with my ex girlfriend. I find it hard to believe she ever loved me considering how easily she threw me away and got with another guy. I honestly don't know if our entire relationship was fake or not because she had feelings for her ex. I guess it doesn't even matter anymore because it was a long time ago. It just bothers me a lot. I don't know if hate her but I still feel angry towards her sometimes. I want to forget about her so much. I have no desire to ever talk to her again. I never should of fallen in love with her. I can't believe I actually missed her a little while ago. I kind of lost feelings for her the day I read all that shit she wrote about her ex. I never told her that though but I really wanted nothing to do with her after that. I tried to forget about it but I still remember everything she wrote and I wanted to just tell her I don't have feelings anymore. I still hang out with her after that thinking they would come back but they really didnt

I actually start to think browsing Facepunch makes it all worse for me.

[QUOTE=Deals;51948250]My experience with ADHD is do things that literally excite you and give you healthy and pertinent physical and mental stimulation, not procrastination. Caffeine is good in moderation, but it depends on your biological chemistry. A good question to ask yourself is whether you are doing something for a good reason, or whether you are forcing yourself to do something because you expect yourself to do it. My painting tutor said the same thing, also for Glasgow School of Art. I had an opportunity for an interview at Robert Gordon, but I never got the chance to go there. It's nice in Aberdeen, the people and community are kind, but I didn't have the train fares to make it over. My HND is lined up so I'll smash the first year to pieces and do my UCAS again.[/QUOTE] Absolutely nothing wrong with doing a HND then finishing up at university. In fact I know some people who have deliberately chosen to do it that way.

God it would be so easy just to fucking walk down the hill to the highway next to my work. Why the fuck do people care about such a colossal failure like me? Clearly they have to have a motive because I don't have redeeming values.

[QUOTE=The golden;51948811]Ones internal sense of worth is hardly ever accurate, especially when depressed. It makes you see and think things about yourself which are hardly ever true. Try to ignore the voice in your head telling you these things because it has no idea what it's talking about.[/QUOTE] I've struggled with my sense of self worth for a very long time. I've only kept going because it would be too inconvenient for those around me. I don't know why I'm working except money. I don't know what to do with it and just throw it at things because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing it for. I don't know why at all. I've joked that I have no self anything.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;51943339]Dont compare your present to your past and if you find yourself beginning to drift towards thinking about it immediately find something else to think about, something nice, like one of the best moments in your life. And even if your present was worse than your past look forward to a brighter future, because even trials end someday.[/QUOTE] Thanks man, I'm trying. It just seems like every time I reach a bump in my life, I automatically think back to the times where I didn't have these anxieties, wishing that it was like then, which leads to me completely ignoring trying to deal with my problems, and in constantly being stuck in nostalgia I just stop myself from living in the moment and enjoying the good times in the present. Thanks people for the advice tho, just had to vent [editline]12th March 2017[/editline] At least music helps a little

I wish I had more people to talk to about emotional stuff. But whenever I actually get to talk I just feel annoying and selfish.

Probably going to be up all night considering I slept all day and only just now woke up. I am really depressed about the possibility of not seeing the girl this week. It sucks I never see her but when I do it's the highlight of my week and I love talking to her

[QUOTE=The bird Man;51948424]I actually start to think browsing Facepunch makes it all worse for me.[/QUOTE] With the exception of genuinely positive purpose threads like this one, it certainly hasn't helped me. The only reason I'm still here is I have a major mapping project to release coming up and it's an exceptionally efficient timewaster.

I'm really looking forward to this week if my place doesn't close but it probably won't. I like learning more about her. I believe if I could talk to her everyday it would solve like 90% of my problems. She's different than any girl I've known and I feel like my depression would go away with her around. [editline]13th March 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=The bird Man;51948424]I actually start to think browsing Facepunch makes it all worse for me.[/QUOTE] I think this website helps me a little because I like posting about my thoughts even if nobody reads them or if I get feedback. I just like getting things off my mind

[QUOTE=Garrot;51949874]I wish I had more people to talk to about emotional stuff. But whenever I actually get to talk I just feel annoying and selfish.[/QUOTE] I can lend an ear if you want. Venting is helpful in getting it out of your system at least, the only problem is when you do nothing but vent if you still have opportunities to better your situation. Sometimes we can't do anything about the problems plaguing us but that's where you put your head down and struggle on until they end up passing away. No problem remains forever no matter what you think. Every dark cloud in this world has an end, and even if it isn't over, it's not the end. Struggle on no matter what, because there's no telling what can happen in the future.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51951249]I'm really looking forward to this week if my place doesn't close but it probably won't. I like learning more about her. I believe if I could talk to her everyday it would solve like 90% of my problems. She's different than any girl I've known and I feel like my depression would go away with her around. [editline]13th March 2017[/editline] I think this website helps me a little because I like posting about my thoughts even if nobody reads them or if I get feedback. I just like getting things off my mind[/QUOTE] Yep, for sure we read them. At least I am. However I must admit the way your mood change with each post I read is very worrying. Is it normal in your case? Also if you like to write a lot about yourself, you can also try writing in a Diary.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51952327]Yep, for sure we read them. At least I am. However I must admit the way your mood change with each post I read is very worrying. Is it normal in your case? Also if you like to write a lot about yourself, you can also try writing in a Diary.[/QUOTE] I know I can't help it. My mood changes is a very big problem and something I need to bring up with my psychiatrist. I can go from feeling fine to suicidal within a few hours. It never used to be like this not this bad anyway. I got to work on keeping a stable mood throughout the day

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51952588]I know I can't help it. My mood changes is a very big problem and something I need to bring up with my psychiatrist. I can go from feeling fine to suicidal within a few hours. It never used to be like this not this bad anyway. I got to work on keeping a stable mood throughout the day[/QUOTE] Work on? What do you mean? Like, you do something specific to prevent to change mood completely. Normally when someone is sad, he/she do something for this thing. But you said your mood change with no reason.

i meant by that by keep thinking positive thoughts and participating in group therapy more. sometimes its hard to think positive

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51952723]i meant by that by keep thinking positive thoughts and participating in group therapy more. sometimes its hard to think positive[/QUOTE] Ah, I see. Sorry I didn't quite understood. Well, in my humble opinion I think a first step to think positive is to like yourself. It is not coincidence that most people suggest to have at least one large mirror in you room or somewhere in the house. It help greatly to appreciate yourself. However with that said, you must also make sure to feel good for the whole image of you. You must "treat" your look and physical health to have a solid reason why you love yourself. Take showers regular, buy new cloths, work out, etc. Also the final step is to make the others "feel" that indeed you are ok. I am not saying to be the perfect Alpha Male. Just confident even if you are not perfect. No one is perfect. But as I said, this is my opinion.

I try to like myself but there's a lot of things about me I don't like. I want to change as a whole different person but it's really hard. I don't know if I can change but I got to try somehow.

Mmm, not sure if this is the right topic, but here it is: I was diagnosed as gifted when I was 4, after being my entire life thus far not an usual child. I skipped a grad, didn't have much trouble with school bar it feeling too slow. Never had issues ignoring people, I always had decent empathy and never had issues with names and faces. I had issues socializating with people my age (or a year older, due to the skipped grad) until I was 8 or so, as there were not many overlapping topics of conversation, yet I still played with others. I was interested in team sports, but not very much in the thrash talking and discrimination aspects that seemed to overshadow the actual play. I had a huge ego, and that ended up making me a fine target for bullying in high school; I spent my early teen years outcasted from an important part of my classmates, yet there were always a few of them who cared for me. However, it took until the final 2 years before uni for me to get a group of friends, a social circle, and I still have some subconscious fear of messing up and ending as when I started high school, and I think of myself as probably more pedantic that I am. I felt into somewhat of a depression when I started Uni, yet got over it, and had another one after finishing it (coupled with losing what I believed a friend due to falling for her and mismanaging that). I am quite socially anxious, and most of the time I react more than act, for fear of my acts may drive other people away, but I'm working on that and I know I am not alone in this feeling. I am sometimes anxious in general, I try to cope by rationalizing what is happening and by putting myself in the shoes of other people, and my depresive feelings have been out for over a year, although from time to time I have some lows. I bet some people may diagnose me with Asperger's, and being deemed autist is something I wouldn't enjoy. To be honest, my condition is similar, but comparing the telltale signs (and with psychologists as the sources, as those turned up in my job formation), Asperger feels like an exaggerated yet swallower version of what I am, with certain aspects being magnified and given more importance. I am not antisocial, I'm just anxious, and I react more than I act because I don't want to alienate others, because I have previous ingrained experiences alienating others. And I guess I wanted to share my introspection. Thank you for your time.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51952864]I try to like myself but there's a lot of things about me I don't like. I want to change as a whole different person but it's really hard. I don't know if I can change but I got to try somehow.[/QUOTE] As I said already, no one is perfect. I have plently of negative characteristics myself which normally would made life miserable in many ways. But you know what? I can at least look my mirror and see myself as a whole and say "I am sexy as f*ck" XD Joking of course....no still think I am sexy. Did you ever played Undertale? A great quote from the game is suitable from what I am saying. At some point the protagonist you control look at a mirror. He said: Despite everything, it's still you.

I don't really have self esteem issues maybe a little it's mostly I don't have that much confidence in myself about anything. [editline]13th March 2017[/editline] I'm also struggling with intense paranoia as of lately like for example I'm becoming really mistrustful of people and their motives and I get very paranoid in crowded areas

[QUOTE=Booker K;51955088]What's the point of continuing to have somebody as a friend if you can no longer be on good terms with them, that you're now nothing more than a burden to them, and they don't care for or are satisfied with you anymore? It's like people just come to me when I'm there and use me until I'm no longer needed, then proceed to act like our friendship was nothing. Why should I bother remaining as their "friend"? They don't even realise or care how I feel afterwards.[/QUOTE] I had something like that happen with my best friend and it absolutely ruined me until I decided to cut the ties, 9 months later... Should've done it way sooner, but I really hoped things would change.

My mood stayed relatively good today with the exception of feeling a little upset about Wednesday but there's always next week.

Kind of broke down one night on some pills with a bad reaction, I put a bunch of stories up on my snap about my depression and shit, because I was too scared to confront any of my friends directly about it. This girl I met on campus that added me told me to come to her if I ever wanted to talk about anything, things are getting better I guess, I don't feel as lonely anymore.

Holy fuck that was fucking scary. So I'm better now. For now. Jfc did I really ramble on about killing myself? At least now I can't forget that my meltdowns go to scary places of thought.

I've had a few anxiety attacks the past few weeks(with one being one of those just me becoming stationary holding my head in a corner type) and they've really fucked me up, but I sorta decided last week to just do something even if I don't want to every day. Going to the Gym has uplifted my mood a bit but I still have episodes every other day. I think I'm doing alright here.