Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51979743]Is there a reason why he doing this to you?[/QUOTE] He finds some of my habits annoying, but theyre mostly caused by my memory issues. Sometimes I'll leave something out by accident or unintentionally leave a mess that they have to point out. I always clean it up when it's brought to my attention and I'm doing better about making sure it doesn't happen. I don't think that's enough to warrant his constant harassment though. He talks shit about everything from what I eat, to what I buy, to every little action. I accidentally got a little bit of water on the counter and he made a comment about how "of course I made a mess". I'm supposed to be looking for a therapist but right now I'm much more worried about hospital bills from a serious knee injury from last week, paying rent, paying for food, and paying for physical therapy. I don't have the money to pay 100 dollars copay for therapy and my dad won't give me the insurance information I need for it. There are reasons for what I'm doing but to him there's no excuse. I have a history of hurting myself and he knows this, and to him he's trying to "help me" but he refuses to listen to me. He concerns himself with my money constantly and he doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him I have things covered. When my family gets me stuff to help me out he makes snide remarks about me running to my family when my family is the one to offer. My grandma surprised me with an Xbox One, which I told her no to several times, just because she wanted to do something nice for me. He immediately starts going on rants about how I need to learn to be responsible. I fucking saved 3k to move out here but apparently I need to save up 300 to buy a console to prove I know how to save up.

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;51979928].[/QUOTE] Go to your primary care doctor and request your insurance information if your dad won't provide it. While we're on the subject I need to stress how important it is to get your medical/therapy records now before they're deleted from the system. Yes, even your baby records. Once they're gone they're gone and you're screwed if you ever need them again. Stop talking to your roommate and follow your lease to the letter. From what I'm reading he is trying to get you to initiate a fight so he has a reason to kick you out - don't fall for that shit. If he continues to harass you file a police report.

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;51979928]He finds some of my habits annoying, but theyre mostly caused by my memory issues. Sometimes I'll leave something out by accident or unintentionally leave a mess that they have to point out. I always clean it up when it's brought to my attention and I'm doing better about making sure it doesn't happen. I don't think that's enough to warrant his constant harassment though. He talks shit about everything from what I eat, to what I buy, to every little action. I accidentally got a little bit of water on the counter and he made a comment about how "of course I made a mess". I'm supposed to be looking for a therapist but right now I'm much more worried about hospital bills from a serious knee injury from last week, paying rent, paying for food, and paying for physical therapy. I don't have the money to pay 100 dollars copay for therapy and my dad won't give me the insurance information I need for it. There are reasons for what I'm doing but to him there's no excuse. I have a history of hurting myself and he knows this, and to him he's trying to "help me" but he refuses to listen to me. He concerns himself with my money constantly and he doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him I have things covered. When my family gets me stuff to help me out he makes snide remarks about me running to my family when my family is the one to offer. My grandma surprised me with an Xbox One, which I told her no to several times, just because she wanted to do something nice for me. He immediately starts going on rants about how I need to learn to be responsible. I fucking saved 3k to move out here but apparently I need to save up 300 to buy a console to prove I know how to save up.[/QUOTE] Is this a real problem? Like, my friends tell me all the time that my taste in many things is awful or I am weird, but I never feel down from them. But the same goes for them. For example my friends tell me all the time that they hate that all the time play videogames, but in return I tell one of my friends I hate when he doesn't play a real Poker and play only in the PC. Seriously why you play Virtual Poker! We have the cards, money, table, etc. What else do you need?!?!? Or another friend of mine have a VERY ugly habit to check the files inside the computers of his customers!!! The first time I discovered about his habit was when he showed to us some sex personal videos a customer had. I was like WTF dude! This is wrong! But you know....I am his friend, I can't report him to the police. I love this bastard. Anyway, no one is perfect is my point. If your friend can't love your habits, then simple just tell to deal with it or just ignore him. Also be more "bump" to defence yourself if he tell you something. Also I have a HHHHUUUUGEEEEEEE memory problem myself. I don't remember even names sometimes. But you know what? I found a solution: Notes. Many, many, MANY notes!!!

I say I had a good day today. I couldn't go to the doctor this morning though because I got new health insurance for myself and they didn't accept it so I got to find a new doctor. I might have another 2 weeks with my current program before switching

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51980153]Is this a real problem? Like, my friends tell me all the time that my taste in many things is awful or I am weird, but I never feel down from them. But the same goes for them. [/QUOTE] If I complain about anything he does he gets super defensive about how I'm shit talking him, then turns it around to complain about me. For example, he would eat breakfast then rinse his bowl out and leave it in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher. I complained to another roommate about it and he overheard it and got all pissed off about me talking bad about him. I just wanted him to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and I had no intention of confronting him about it because it wasn't a super big deal to me. He turned it into a massive fight. We used to all 4 pay for food supplies and one night we got into a fight and he told me to go to my room because I wasnt getting dinner. That I contributed money to.

I wish I never met my ex girlfriend. I keep thinking how much happy I would be if I never talked to her. The thing is she fucked me up bad because our entire relationship was bullshit. She never truly loved me and didn't feel the same way I did and it was obvious towards the end especially with the revelation she had feelings for her ex the entire time. I thought she loved me but I don't know how you can have feelings for 2 people at once. Then she gets with other guys. i don't even want to think about what stuff she's done with them since but it just makes me hate her more. I just got to get over it and move on with my life because she's not worth the heartache. It just pisses me off so much how she hurt me. Every time I think about her it puts me in a bad mood

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;51980581]We used to all 4 pay for food supplies and one night we got into a fight and he told me to go to my room because I wasnt getting dinner. That I contributed money to.[/QUOTE] Like I suspected he is trying to get you to initiate a fight so he can be the "good guy" and have you thrown out. Because if that shit ever happened to me it would be a fight. Is he on steroids?

[QUOTE=darksoul69;51981006]Like I suspected he is trying to get you to initiate a fight so he can be the "good guy" and have you thrown out. Because if that shit ever happened to me it would be a fight. Is he on steroids?[/QUOTE] No, and he never used to act like this when I lived with him before. He just out of nowhere started treating me like this when we finally got our own place.

I just want to give up. I'm so sick and tired of trying and every time I try it's nothing but failure and I don't have the energy and motivation to keep holding on I just want to give up and die. My dog just died from a lightning strike. Everyone I loved always picked someone else over me and leave me and I know it's because of me why, do I have to become like this I fucking hate myself and I'm sure they did too. It's pretty much guaranteed that I'll never have someone in my needs that will ever love me it just hurts. I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life even if it kills me. I'm just the most useless, meaningless, and fucked up person I can think of. I'm so confused why people say "Don't go" or "Don't kill yourself" to me even though it's me. Why would anyone want myself to live and ruin things in the world they live in I'm so confused. I really really want to go.. I don't want to live again at all.. I'm so sick and tired and someone like me is just to naive to survive.

I'm going off my meds again, eyes would hurt so much I couldn't sleep. Stopping has made me really dizzy again but that's preferable. I think I might be feeling a little more down than usual now that I'm off the meds but it's such a subtle difference it couldn't be worth the side effects. I met up with an old friend today, he talked about how busy he's been and I felt exhausted just listening to him. Taking the bus to my therapist and back is almost too much for me because I get so tired. I really can't imagine having a normal life. I've been trying to get a job and I will probably get one, but I don't think I'll be able to do much else.

Probable diagnostic of irritable bowel syndrome incoming. Like i really needed that. I feel so fucking bad. I'm sick of having to deal with these shitty ass diseases where you barely have any impact on.

[QUOTE=The golden;51982456]I was in the same boat with my ex. Not only did she possibly fake having romantic interest in me but she also manipulated and mentally abused the shit out of me for 2 years. Let me tell you a few things I've learned in retrospect. Firstly you have to understand that it's not your fault. It was her that did the bad thing, not you. One of the people in your relationship was a scumbag and it wasn't you. You're a better person than she is and it's better to walk away taking that to heart. It's better to walk away standing your ground against bullshit. Stand up for yourself, don't take crap from anyone. You deserve to be treated properly and to have people be honest to you. Don't ever tell yourself otherwise. And secondly: You're free now. You're no longer under her direct influence and she can't mess with you any more. You're safe now. You can now go to better places, find better people, do better things. You can take what you've learned and walk away with it. There are always better people out there. Take some time to love yourself and be good to yourself. It's really important to make sure you heal up properly and move on. Broken hearts do heal and they heal even faster with self-care.[/QUOTE] I do feel a lot better now that's she's out of my life but like you said being with someone who had fake interests in you is just heart breaking. I don't know how she switches from guys and lives with herself. I am glad I never got to speak to her again and I'm free but occasionally she just plagues my mind

[QUOTE=Mentlegen;51980581]If I complain about anything he does he gets super defensive about how I'm shit talking him, then turns it around to complain about me. For example, he would eat breakfast then rinse his bowl out and leave it in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher. I complained to another roommate about it and he overheard it and got all pissed off about me talking bad about him. I just wanted him to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher and I had no intention of confronting him about it because it wasn't a super big deal to me. He turned it into a massive fight. We used to all 4 pay for food supplies and one night we got into a fight and he told me to go to my room because I wasnt getting dinner. That I contributed money to.[/QUOTE] Aaa, this is "Η Τακτική του Πούστη". Free translation, The Tactic of F*g*ot. When we are complaining we go head of like bosses and stop when our health go way. Like, I was fighting a lot with my friends and brother [MANY times] but in the end...POOF, we stop and do something more productive or whatever. I still remember when I was younger I used to fight with my brother who will have the remote control of TV... Cool days.

I hope I have a good week. I'm working up the confidence to ask the girl for her number since I'll be switching programs and I'll only see her during lunch. It would be good for me to have her to talk outside.

Having emotionally draining arguments with my sister about if my depression is a real thing or not and how I should quit taking my meds is not an ideal way to spend my sunday

I'm not doing well. I feel like my hearts been ripped out of my chest and I'm hitting rock bottom. I had a panic attack for the first time in maybe like a year and a half and I think I'm scaring people around me. I'm so afraid of being by myself because I can't stop crying and the one person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. I'm calling my psychiatrist tomorrow, but I don't know how soon I can go in. I'm going crazy. I don't want to live like this.

[QUOTE=The golden;51983801]Go for it! You can do it! Even if it doesn't work out as planned, you should still give yourself a pat on the back for getting the courage to leave your comfort zone. <3 [t]http://i.imgur.com/KpNUSdo.jpg[/t][/QUOTE] yeah im going for it because im not going to have much time with her once i switch programs. i dont know why im nervous about it but i dont want to not ask and never knowing how it could of turned out

[QUOTE=HappyCompy;51977439] *Zoloft was a lifesaver, but over time lost its efficacy, Wellbutrin (150mg) is new to me. I have more energy, more anxiety, nausea, and less of an appetite on it so far. It, like Zoloft, is not doing a good job controlling my symptoms, and I am eager to increase dosage and/or add another drug to the mix. I just want something to nuke my brain, I don't care how 'doped up' I have to be to end this misery. Depression and anxiety are two hells of illnesses...what meds are you guys taking?[/QUOTE] I'm in the same boat as you. For the last 10+ years I've been on Zoloft as well, and likewise, it stopped working for me.. I was diagnosed with Bipolar, ADHD and Aspergers as a 6 year old kid. (Although the doctor thinks I might not actually be Bipolar but instead have chronic depression since I don't really go from highs to lows as much as I go from mild low to extreme low) After I turned 18, I couldn't continue at the children's clinic of a renowned university which I had been going to for over a decade. We tried to find a doctor closer to where I'm going to college but each one we found was insufficient. After two years and dozens of phonecalls, I finally got an appointment in the adult mood disorder clinic. At the same university and we're trying to replace all the medications I'm on since they haven't been working in three years.. I recently switched from Strattera to Aderall, without much success. I am waiting for the next trial and error medication to arrive in the mail. I'm still taking Risperdal/Risperidone which isn't doing much besides giving me a wide variety of different ticks like biting my lips and chewing the skin on the inside of my cheeks. In addition to everything with the mess, I developed a crush on a friend of mine who also has ADHD and whose boyfriend is another friend which has exacerbated my already poorly treated depression. Add that to someone who sees no use in trying to apply for internships, jobs, or getting my license, a family who love me but don't understand the problems people my age face, friends who mostly don't listen to big band or classic rock, don't watch a lot of movies that I love, (Casablanca, film noir, Mel Brooks' movies,) and you change a 21 year old man who's sarcastic, sometimes cynical, but loving person, into a deeply depressed, self loathing, pessimistic and isolated young man well on the road to giving up on life and love. Sorry for the wall of text.

since we moved, it's been more and more difficult to get well needed time by myself, time to focus on myself, my projects, and my entertainment needs (woo redlettermedia). shits been stressful. my room isn't complete so i have to hunch or lay back over this small coffee table that causes me a lot of back problems when working on the computer. my dad isn't finished the wood flooring and my very large desk needs 2 people to assemble it, and there are no desks high enough in this house to warrant a computer desk. stuff keeps getting delayed too, everything was supposed be done 2 weeks ago but my parents keep arguing where to put the desk so its not like I can help them. my room is pretty small, i can't fit the desk and the bed in there, my dad wants to put it in another room because there's no way it will fit, but my mother wants to use that other room for a guest room. i haven't complained to them because they're probably also very stressed from the move, and it's not that big of a deal. my sleep schedules has been changed to reflect the fact that my parents are an earshot away. the tv is a little loud and it's a bit distracting, again not that big of a deal but it's a little annoying sleeping at 3am then waking up at 3pm. i just told some of my friends to leave me be after they sent me shitposts and all that. i feel bad because i was like "okay new rule please don't send me messages at this time"

I'm not feeling to great right now. I just want to lay in bed and not do anything.

I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be able to reach my goals or live a happy life or be accepted by anyone. My family hates me, my friends probably hate me and it feels like now the rest of the world hates me just for existing. Not to get too political here but it feels like everyone hates people like me now, I feel like I'm just a scapegoat now over some petty fight. Not that I don't feel like a scapegoat already, my family blames me for everything and are quick to remind me that I'm a failure usually. I've fucked up everything I've tried to do and I am just staring a dead end at this point. Just wanna shut down and be in bed for the rest of my life because it increasingly feels like I rlly don't belong anywhere anymore. Do I sound melodramatic? Probably but right now it sure as shit feels like that I'm pretty worthless and people just don't like me or ever will. I just kinda feel so disconnected with everything at this point that I might actually be going insane. I don't know what the point of this rant was I just felt like I'm gonna explode if I don't say anything.

FUCK EVERYTHING I just had a 10-15 minute conversation with an old friend who don't even exist, IN A FUCKING MALL I am never going back there again Cried in the car and got home

Hoping everything is going to work out the next few days. I'm trying to avoid the thoughts that tell me otherwise.

Aspergers can really suck. I missed so many opportunities because I was just trying to avoid being hated after being mistreated so much in life. I had passions for things as a kid but I never embarked on them because it would mean that [I]I[/I] was the one who was doing it and that wouldn't work in my head. I just want to put some intense focus and training on these things now but even then, depression kicks my motivation into the dirt every time.

[QUOTE=Phycosymo;51987296][B]Aspergers[/B] can really suck. I missed so many opportunities because I was just trying to avoid being hated after being mistreated so much in life. I had passions for things as a kid but I never embarked on them because it would mean that [I]I[/I] was the one who was doing it and that wouldn't work in my head. I just want to put some intense focus and training on these things now but even then, depression kicks my motivation into the dirt every time.[/QUOTE] Stay strong brother, all we can do is to learn through lifetime experiences.

The good news is that now I'm beginning to forget about my first ex. Now she isn't subliminally creeping herself or memories of her into my thoughts and I actually have to pause and recollect if I want to think about her. Bad news is that a friend of mine who sold me down the river [I](blocked me on facebook after bugging her with too many messages and telling me her boyfriend is getting mad and she'll unblock me when he goes to college so we can hang out again - dumb teenage shit ikr)[/I] and after getting some thought in the back of my head to look her name up, I came across a new account of hers, saying that she got locked out of the old one. I don't got no hard feelings against her since that was years ago, but I'm still anxious af as to why she turned me like that. Should I shoot a message that way and ask or just let sleeping dogs lay? E. I ended up doing it and she just blocked me. Not a big surprise. Back to TF2 to waste my day away

[QUOTE=gnampf;51988874]The good news is that now I'm beginning to forget about my first ex. Now she isn't subliminally creeping herself or memories of her into my thoughts and I actually have to pause and recollect if I want to think about her. Bad news is that a friend of mine who sold me down the river [I](blocked me on facebook after bugging her with too many messages and telling me her boyfriend is getting mad and she'll unblock me when he goes to college so we can hang out again - dumb teenage shit ikr)[/I] and after getting some thought in the back of my head to look her name up, I came across a new account of hers, saying that she got locked out of the old one. I don't got no hard feelings against her since that was years ago, but I'm still anxious af as to why she turned me like that. Should I shoot a message that way and ask or just let sleeping dogs lay? E. I ended up doing it and she just blocked me. Not a big surprise. Back to TF2 to waste my day away[/QUOTE] That fucking sucks man. Getting ghosted is the absolute worst. My GF of 7 years treated me like a total piece of shit scum of the Earth, not worth her breath, etc. after she dumped me. It was devastating to be treated that way by someone you admired, respected and loved so deeply. She was the last person I would have ever expected to treat me like that. I admired her, and she thinks of me as a monster. Feels awful, but hopefully I'll be able to forget about her when I go to uni.

[QUOTE=HappyCompy;51989120]That fucking sucks man. Getting ghosted is the absolute worst. My GF of 7 years treated me like a total piece of shit scum of the Earth, not worth her breath, etc. after she dumped me. It was devastating to be treated that way by someone you admired, respected and loved so deeply. She was the last person I would have ever expected to treat me like that. I admired her, and she thinks of me as a monster. Feels awful, but hopefully I'll be able to forget about her when I go to uni.[/QUOTE] Thinking back my ex girlfriend treated me like shit too. I never saw it but when I was devastated over her my mom and sisters all said she treated me bad and wasn't good to me. So I started thinking back more and I realized they were right. Like one time I got her a knecklace and she said to me she wouldn't like it and would never wear it. All I could think in my head was what the fuck? And i didn't even want to give it to her after that and it hurt a lot but I said nothing

I've grappled with these ideas for a long time now. Three of the past summers I've worked abroad in a summer camp, naturally these areas are rife with a multitude of things which go on, I'm ashamed of some of the actions I did back then and while it'd be great to absolve myself of the incidents I did by apologising to the people I might've hurt, that doesn't solve anything. I was fresh out of Uni and the first time in my life free and surrounded by friends, I had no idea how to behave around these situations so it was only naturally that I'd fuck up in some way. I'm conscious of this now. Despite that I'm still haunted by the emotions I inflicted on people, how I was and how I am now perceived. I was selfish, destructive and above all I don't think I was a nice person, I might have acted like one, played the part and been friendly, but my eventual motives ruined all of that. I can't blame it on sexual lust, surely? Similar things happened at uni and so my natural anxiety or distrust in people seemed warranted, why would they have reason to trust me? Slowly I've started becoming more self aware of my actions and trying to generally be more wholesome. I'm aware I cannot change these actions and that they don't define me, and only the ones I make from here on out do, but I'm still shrouded in this history of bad choices. My girlfriend whom I adore, I fell in love with in my third year, around the time I was trying to patch these mental instabilities isn't aware of these past mistakes, or is and doesn't care for them, she only sees me and she knows me. Despite this I'm still haunted by these mistakes though, and the thought they may still define me in some shape, that these people who I still wish to consider friends still regard me with distrust and unease. I have beautiful memories with these people which are soured by the negative moments which occurred, I desperately wish to recount moments and try and remember the good moments I shared with them, but it's hard. Not sure where I'm going with this, I just wish I could resolve it, but at the same time accept that some things just don't ever get resolved, and that's how it'll be.

Saturday evening one of my closest friends in college had an asthma attack, went into cardiac arrest, and only has a couple of days left before passing unless his parents decide to pull the plug. He's 19. How does this happen? I'm sitting here at 3 AM doing fucking calculus like this kid I just talked to a few days ago isn't all but dead. I've spent the day with our friends, his suitemates, and some just reminiscing and giving support, but I still can't believe he's going to be gone soon. The shitty part is he called me on several different occasions the days before to hang out and I was always "too busy." Fuck, the last time I didn't even pick up. This can't be real..