Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I once again fucked up at work. Underproofed and overproofed Everything. Didn't cook things enough or burnt stuff. And because I didn't check the oven, entire rack of muffins were ruined because the oven dropped to 200F from 350F. Oh but they said they were flat and ruined because it was on the wrong rack and too close together, not because they rose too slowly because the temp dropped. So naturally I get yelled at yet again at work. Every time they get mad at me I'm terrified they'll take it out on me by throwing me under the bus for all of the little mistakes I make. I'm fucking stupid. Even after 3 fucking years I still fuck up constantly at work. Just like in all parts of my fucking pathetic life, I'm consistently inconsistent. Sometimes I truely do feel that I'd make the world better if I killed myself. This job iw literally everything. Literally everything hinges on this job. My entire life will fall apart if my fucking pathetic incompetence gets me fired. I'd likely save everyone the trouble and just play in highway traffic if I got fired. I can't even work up the nerve to leave my house outside of work. I'm so mentally exhausted from even one day of work that I can't even bring myself to do important things for the rest of the week. Like I need to get my ear checked, it's been partially deaf for several months, I need new glasses, and I need to take a psych eval. But I don't want to even be near people. I'm barely able to leave the house with someone.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51976720]How do I start taking SSRIs again with feeling nauseous?[/QUOTE] You don't. It seems like nausea is part of the "SSRI experience". That being said standard anti-emetics do the trick if you feel too nauseous. Motilium somewhat works for me.

Well I'm all out of depakote my mood stabilizer. I hope it doesn't fuck up my mood tomorrow. I'm thinking of coming off it anyway since I want to start anti convulsants again. The depakote is a mood stabilizer and anti convulsant but it doesn't help the shaking stop

Had an existential crisis last night while walking around campus. Wondered why I'm here, what my purpose is, why I have suffered so much in life for as long as I can remember, If I'll ever feel better again, and how long this current stage of medications not working will last before I can't go on any more.

Man am i the only one to suffer from tumultuous relationships with food in this thread (anorexia etc) ? I feel like hot garbage everytime i eat something.

I was really depressed before but I'm better now. Im trying to stay positive about tomorrow

[QUOTE=Mr. Sarcastic;51991928]Had an existential crisis last night while walking around campus. Wondered why I'm here, what my purpose is, why I have suffered so much in life for as long as I can remember, If I'll ever feel better again, and how long this current stage of medications not working will last before I can't go on any more.[/QUOTE] When I was going through a shitty time in my life, someone once told me how the mind automatically focuses on bad things and disregards anything good that happened. So if 10 good and 2 bad things happened, you'd focus completely on the bad. This really stuck with me. Try to sit down and think of all the positive, even if they were tiny, things that happened in your day, and to hell with the bad thoughts!

I tried killing myself once, did not go well other than cause me much pain. I sense then have lived off of this, but still people continue bothering me.

[QUOTE=Drk;51992705]Man am i the only one to suffer from tumultuous relationships with food in this thread (anorexia etc) ? I feel like hot garbage everytime i eat something.[/QUOTE] No matter how little or much I eat, I feel to throw it all up. Has to swallow asap before my mind rejects me, so I have to spit it out.

So tomorrow is going to be fun... I'm not ready for my drumlesson, and I know my teacher is going to tear me apart for not knowing my shit, and to be honest, I am terrified to actually go to it... Nice way to spend my 21st Birthday...

[QUOTE=Torjuz;51993399]So tomorrow is going to be fun... I'm not ready for my drumlesson, and I know my teacher is going to tear me apart for not knowing my shit, and to be honest, I am terrified to actually go to it... Nice way to spend my 21st Birthday...[/QUOTE] Don't take it personally and try to use it as a way of improving. All creatives have moments like this, they're what make you a better artist.

[QUOTE=ZombieDawgs;51993483]Don't take it personally and try to use it as a way of improving. All creatives have moments like this, they're what make you a better artist.[/QUOTE] Yeah, it just, it's alwayd line this. I'm scared of not practicing, I miss lectures to practice and he still don't think it's even half decent. Although I troed to get of my mind, I seriously doubt if I ever picked the right thing to study and do for a living, because it seriously feels like I can't do anything...

[QUOTE=Drk;51992705]Man am i the only one to suffer from tumultuous relationships with food in this thread (anorexia etc) ? I feel like hot garbage everytime i eat something.[/QUOTE] Appetite comes and goes, though most of the time I really don't like food so I usually stick to things I know I like which is to say I pretty much live off snacks and sandwiches. Think my problems with food come down to things suddenly tasting bad and that I can't stand feeling full, which doesn't really take a lot because I'm hovering around 9 stone most of the time. So I go off food for a while and then realise "oh shit I need to eat" and have to power through with reduced stomach capacity.

i wouldnt be surprised if i developed parkinson's disease when im older. the shaking has gotten worse and i looked up online that its possible i could develop it with essential tremor. I should ask a neurologist about it because it worrys me

I've had it since I was a teenager and it's not caused by anxiety however anxiety does make it worse. I've noticed it gotten worse lately where I'm always trying to hide my hands but it's starting to affect other areas like my face. It just really sucks because it kills my self esteem. It's embarrassing but there's nothing I can do about it except go back on meds for it. The thing that's upsets me the most is it is a progressive condition so it's only going to get worse

Well, guess who trembled into sleep and slept through all of his lectures. Not sure if that was fate to make me miss it, or what

I'm completely fucked. I'm finishing high school in a couple months and I still haven't been accepted to any colleges. I'm not sure how it works in other countries but in my country there are 2 types of colleges, public school, which is regarded as the best ones and where intelligent people go, and private school. I feel so fucking dumb because I should've known that I could actually sign up and be accepted into private school A YEAR BEFORE and have no problems now. But I messed up and now I have to take the private school test among all these exams. To get into public school is harder. Most students study 2 YEARS to prepare and I have no preparation. The closer it is to a new year, the smaller chance they're accepting students even in those private schools. I'm so fucking dumb for not taking it way earlier. Even my friend whose rank is the lowest in my school already have been accepted in private school learning IT with a 50% scholarship. I'm not even sure that I'll get accepted in private school. I'm really confused. I've suspected for a quite a while now that I might have severe ADHD. I've never been diagnosed by a doctor before and but I know I'm having it since I'm showing heavy signs of it. I learned that it can be (partially) treated with Adderall or Ritalin but I need a prescription for it and I need to be diagnosed by a doctor. I feel like it's too late since I'm a month away from finishing high school and I'm so fucking disappointed at myself for not knowing this sooner. I have a huge problem with studying (among other ADHD symptoms) and I don't even know how I still could (barely) pass a grade in high school. Most of my colleagues are moving to college for a high-level study (Engineering, medical school, telecommunication, etc) and it requires a fuckton of studying and work. I myself could barely stand studying a little of what needs to be prepared and to get accepted into those colleges and most of my friends already started preparing 2 years prior. Would I want to get accepted into those colleges and learn engineering? Sure. But I'm incapable, reallly incapable. My head literally hurts when studying even the easiest thing. Now the real problem is my parents. My parents didn't tell me that I could apply for private school last year. They never told me any more life necessity. Only now have my father wants me to study to get in public college. My father wants me to get into these high level, public colleges even though my chances are pretty much nil. I've told them that I'm incapable but he still wants me to take the very hard test to get in. The reason he wants me to go there is because my brothers have all taken other stuff in university (one design and one accounting) and he wants me to go to the public college he graduated from solely so he has a successor there. I want to study art and design, even though my ADHD also kind of prevented me from excelling at that too, I still have a better chance to get into private school and study that. Even if I do get the drugs, I won't be able to study years of preperation that my friends took and pass. I can study art or programming at private school but I'm confused. I'm afraid that I won't be able to comprehend programming and I don't know what I'll be or work for when I graduate too. I'm also afraid that if I get into art school, I'll be inferior to others since everyone that I know that gets into art is a great artist - I'm not. My ADHD has prevented me to advance in art. I've been studying how to draw anatomy countless times before and I still can't draw it correctly. I can't color right even though I've learned how to many times before. I'm so fucking dumb and confused. My parents kinda doesn't give a fuck. I'm too confused how and too scared to find a doctor or psychiatrist so I can get a prescription for Adderall/Ritalin. But in doing that I need my parents permission and guidance but I'm just afraid that they'll say that I'm just too lazy and stuff rather than actually realizing that I have severe mental disorders. And most of the time I talk about stuff like that to them they just say "Don't worry just study more" or "We love you no matter what" (knowing I'm not smart but still force me to study for those colleges) and just leave it at that. Honestly the only reason I seek a doctor is for the prescriptions alone. I just can't talk to them about my problems and find it easier to talk about it with very close friends. What should I do....

If I were the person I imagine myself to be, I'd never hate myself. I fucking hate the person I turned out as. I collect dumb stuff and my brain is wired in such a way that I may as well have been born to fail. I guess when life gives you lemons, you could always throw them at your enemies.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;51995859]If I were the person I imagine myself to be, I'd never hate myself. I fucking hate the person I turned out as. I collect dumb stuff and my brain is wired in such a way that I may as well have been born to fail. I guess when life gives you lemons, you could always throw them at your enemies.[/QUOTE] The nice thing about being a human being is the ability to transform, if you don't like yourself there is room to grow and change. Yeah, it's fucking awful and it takes time, but it's well worth it. Don't let anybody tell you it's easy. Just hang in there, ok?

I had a really good day. Got the girls number and we talked a lot today at our program. We have a lot in common. I'm just happy we can talk more now.

Dropped the escitalopram, wasn't doing anything. Started venlafaxin on Monday. I know I'm still early on the whole drug thing but it feels pointless School performance is basically on life support, I have half a year of undone projects and I'm supposed to somehow return to normal class rhythm next Monday although I'm so far behind. Maybe I can bullshit until summer but next autumn is prob when I'll drop out for the third time I've been put on several different programs that are supposed to get me motivated or whatever but one of them is actually kinda nice. The guys and girls there are pretty similar people and I've been actually open my mouth there and feel like a human being for once. Shame it'll end when I drop out anyway since it's tied to the school. [editline]23rd March 2017[/editline] Haven't had work since Christmas but haven't really looked anyway. Realised I was applicable for benefits since I'm out of student loan so why bother working

I was sick with the flu for like a week and I think it made my schizophrenia symptoms worse temporarily. Starting Sunday night all the way to Tuesday morning, I had the strangest feeling/emotion ever. It was a constant feeling. I kind of liked the feeling, but I also kind of hated it too. The feeling made the world seem so surreal and almost dreamlike. An emotion like I was reliving past moments or something. Everything in the world seemed so strangely familiar and magical and dreamlike. Even though I sort of liked the feeling, I really wanted it to go away for some reason too. Like I kept telling myself that I liked it but it was DEFINITELY not normal for me to be feeling like that. It almost felt like I was drugged or something. I would also randomly feel like my world suddenly shifted to a "third-person" type view. I have no idea what emotion I was feeling, but I feel like I sort of lost touch with reality for that time period between Sunday night and Tuesday morning. I was also seriously scared of my own brain and thoughts during that time. That strange dreamlike feeling/emotion made me the most scared I've been in a while. Maybe "scared" isn't the right word. Maybe I was just in awe at it? Like I said before, I kinda liked the feeling as it felt amazing in a sense, but it was also frightening. It's hard to explain - it was just a really weird experience. I'm not sick anymore, and that feeling left me too when the sickness left.

I get that feeling a lot also. You feel like your in a dream and everything just feels so weird. It does feel like I'm completely disconnected from reality. I wonder if it's caused by my psychosis. I'll be talking to someone when it happens and I feel like I'm not there

Yesterday I landed myself in one of those "Urgent Care" places after some panicked phone calls. I couldn't keep anything down, not even liquids. So, I guess I had some dehydration. They gave me an IV, but what really freaked me out was the doctor looked at me and asked out "Do you have an eating disorder". Like fuck. I didn't really get what he meant until I got home and looked in the mirror and realized none of my clothes fit quite right anymore.

So I started going to college recently. Dunno if I'll stay in or withdraw but I'm giving it a shot. I'm starting to hate all of these meds. I still think about killing myself, but the actual urges are muted to an extreme because of the meds. Like, you feel the urge but it's covered up - hard to explain. Oh and I found a way around my sleeping problems. I just overdose on vistaril now which knocks me out for 10-15 hours. That's going to be a great conversation with my psychiatrist, but hey at least I'm sleeping good for the first time in months.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;51997347]I had a really good day. Got the girls number and we talked a lot today at our program. We have a lot in common. I'm just happy we can talk more now.[/QUOTE] I hope everything go even better than before my friend. Stay positive as much as you can.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;51999795]I hope everything go even better than before my friend. Stay positive as much as you can.[/QUOTE] I think everything's going to work out. I'm going to text her after therapy today. I wanted to text her yesterday but I thought I should give her space since she had stuff to do after our program. Maybe one day we can hang out

I don't think I'll ever be able to get Adderall or those similar drugs that will make a barely functional human like me functional. Getting a psychiatrist, seeing them multiple times, especially since I can't talk about my personal problems to strangers even if I know they're good, It'll just cause more problems and stress especially with my parents. I guess I'll just have to live being naturally dumb, terrible and a trashy human.

I don't even know why I'm still alive. My reason to live has long been gone and all that's left in my life right now are problems that can't be fixed. I want to die right now.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52000463]I don't even know why I'm still alive. My reason to live has long been gone and all that's left in my life right now are problems that can't be fixed. I want to die right now.[/QUOTE] I think you should consider therapy because it really helps. It's helping me a lot and it feels good to talk to someone about your problems