Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52032769]I've heard a lot of bad stuff about them though and I think she doesn't want to take them incase she gets dependant on them (dunno how it works) Are you able to stop taking them if they don't work/make it worse?[/QUOTE] You might be thinking about benzos. I don't take benzos. I'm on seven different medications, two are specifically for my anxiety. Another pill also helps with anxiety, although that's not what it's prescribed for. They make a world of difference. She should give them a try.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52032769]I've heard a lot of bad stuff about them though and I think she doesn't want to take them incase she gets dependant on them (dunno how it works) Are you able to stop taking them if they don't work/make it worse?[/QUOTE] She needs to take though, and I'm saying this from experience. Anxiety is very hard if not impossible to overcome without the proper medication. I've been fine for years, but when I decided to stop taking them thinking it wouldn't make a difference. Holyshit, it hits you like a tonne of bricks. You do get somewhat dependant, but once they've done their job, its just a matter of weaning yourself (with the docs advice) off them. I went down from like 6 pills a day to one in like 7 years and hopefully this year or next I can stop.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52032840]You might be thinking about benzos. I don't take benzos. I'm on seven different medications, two are specifically for my anxiety. Another pill also helps with anxiety, although that's not what it's prescribed for. They make a world of difference. She should give them a try.[/QUOTE] I'm just feeling so different on these pills. It's been a very gradual change over the last two months but now I'm feeling better then I have in such a long time. When I see my ARNP tomorrow I'm going to ask for increased dosage on my buspirone and a midday dose of risperidone since it wears off in the afternoon. I still need something for my attention span though. It's been better on the risperidone for some weird reason but I'm still having issues with it.

I usually tend to keep my problems to myself, but I guess it couldn't hurt to post this here. Since late February, I got laid off from my job and stopped going to school; I became depressed and used money from my tax return to fuel my mind with booze, healing the ache in my head, and making it easier to sleep. 2 days ago was the first time in 3-4 weeks that I submitted a homework assignment, and I just started to apply to places for work again (granted being out of cash makes it hard to be buzzed and unproductive). The problem I have isn't that this happened, if anything I feel the past few days have been a steady route out of this hole, but rather that I'm starting to notice a pattern. Ever since I was 17, I would fall into this depressed/lazy attitude around February-March (sometime around my birthday), and this keeps happening year after year. I thought that as soon as the feeling went away, that it'll never happen again, but I'm 22 now and it still happens. The odd thing is that my life is generally following a very good route as soon as spring rolls around, only to have all of my progress being demolished by my own hands come a 2 month span the following year. When I was 18, I went from being a sociable, weight lifting, go-getter mannered high school student working a part time job... then Febuaray rolls around and I started to avoid everyone, would stop working out, quit my job, eventually stuffing a revolver in my mouth only to have the gun jam when pulling the trigger; Months later, I am back at working a different job, saving up money for community college, working out again, feeling good. By 19, I avoid taking a winter semester, only going outside to buy booze with money I made over my summer job to make me feel comfy about being in bed. I probably drank my body weight in Old English that winter. Again, I found another summer job and began saving for school and things to do with recently acquired friends. By 20, I had a repeat of being 18, except I tried with a shotgun around my family, which lead to going to a psych ward and dropping out that semester. Learned many helpful things there, I was certain this was the help I needed to prevent any problem from happening again. I moved to my home state and found another job, life was on a good path again. By 21, I went from having $2000 saved up from a job I only worked for 3 months, to quitting said job and staying inside all day, blowing through all my savings on delivery pizza and beer. Hell, I even partook in some shady hook-ups which thankfully didn't lead to AIDs or being raped brutally; good thing I didn't attend school that time. I ended up getting another job and got in my first relationship, I never felt as achieved as I did during the remainder of that year. Each of these times, I would recover with no problem, getting new work, saving money, mingling with friends, getting on track for school, etc. This time around was probably the least sever as I still have friends, OK grades, and I didn't outright leave my job, but I'm still hindered by my choices. What I don't understand is why, why my mind dwindles downward so rapidly around the same time of year. Regardless of living situation, location, financial or social standing, same shit happens to me in the end. How can I avoid having this happen next year?

Thanks a lot dudes, will talk to her about it. Anyone got some good info on the stuff? She'd like to research it a bit most likely

I got told that if i dont shut the fuck up my dad will throw his breakfast into my face. What the fuck.

Hey, so I used to post to the other threads, I had a lot happen to me. I'm alive, stable... somewhat. But basically my best friend from alabama did turn out to be abusive, I refused to believe it and she beat me, kicked my ribcage, I attempted suicide and she laughed and screamed at me. A shit ton of fucked up stuff happened to me. But now I'm back living with my dad renting out my bedroom again. I just shut up and listen to them and take the provocative behavior from my family. I'm miserable, I have a decent job at a smoothie bar inside of my gym... even though it started to go downhill lately because of my co-worker who has some issues. We failed the health inspection because she left crusty creamcheese/peanut butter knives everywhere, and basically cream cheese and crumbs and expired vegetables were all over the place during her shift. Plus our sanitizer was not up to code even though I always took care of everything there. My boss made ME take detailed inventory every night because she would steal handfulls of cliff bars and bagels (I took one every now and then because we were allowed but she abused the privledge) Plus strangers would break in behind the door since it's so open and steal. I took it upon myself to make a spreadsheet and just do inventory once a week because my co-worker claims she can't count. I'm traumatized, 5 months after the incident with my now ex-best friend. She thinks she's justified for beating me and has talked shit and gotten mad whenever I vented to someone about it. If she didn't abuse me I wouldn't be venting... She blocked me because she called me the toxic friend even though she was always mean and abusive to me. I cared too much. I saved her from suicide but she laughed when I tried to kill myself after she beat me, and I was harassed and threatened by another internet friend of mine, if I were to speak about it with anyone they would raise hell. I have nightmares and night terrors and actually had one last night that left me screaming and crying, this has been going on at least 1 to 7 days a week for 5 months straight and I'm fucked up and tweaky from it all. I can't enjoy things. I can't stay focused. I used it as a catalyst to fuel my workouts and it's left me addicted to running and lifting. IDK if you guys have me on snapchat but I'm a bit self centered (It's because I hate myself still and I only ever love myself after my muscles are swollen from a workout) I take a LOT of selfies on there, and I've gotten pretty big. That's how badly she messed me up, I used the trauma as a catalyst and I still don't feel better. I have a girlfriend, she's not what I normally would have gone for way back when but emotionally she is absolutely good for me and I'm lucky to have her. She helped me find the perfect type of college certificate class to take and she supports my dreams and my running. She's gone through a similar thing and it's funny how we found each other when we did. So I am thankful for what IS going for me, but upset because I'm still suicidal and STILL traumatized by what my ex best friend did. She feels zero remorse and feels justified in beating me.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52036834] So I am thankful for what IS going for me, but upset because I'm still suicidal and STILL traumatized by what my ex best friend did. She feels zero remorse and feels justified in beating me.[/QUOTE] Shit, man that's so fucked up. I am so sorry you were betrayed by somebody so close to you and you have every right to be upset. Nobody ever has any justifiable reason to use violence on other people (I mean like outside of self defense).

TLDR breakdown of things... Good things: -I'm on track to buy my first car, I'm halfway to saving up for (an $8,000 car) -My girlfriend is emotionally perfect for me[I] (And is a really good gamer, she has a beast of a PC)[/I] and encourages me to persue my dreams of being a personal trainer while showing me new ways to get to that goal. Bittersweet things: -I'm able to buck up and take my dad's side of the family's provocative teasing. -I came out of the closet, It feels decent to be open and not have to hide being a lesbian. [I](OBV. I don't go around shouting I'm gay and I never really have to bring it up, only when I've been asked out by like one guy.)[/I] while this has made more of my family stop talking to me altogether, and has subjected me to prejudice I never thought would happen, some of my family are at least (trying) to be supportive. -My job. (Co-worker has beef with me because she's jealous, meh. But I get paid good money for what the job is.) Bad things: -Trauma from my ex-best friend haunts me almost daily, It's been a long time already (Almost half a year now) thankfully it's a little less frequent. -She has a perfect life because she's rich, she does not deserve what she has and I know I sound [B]absolutely awful when I say that[/B], part of me is angry about this but part of me knows if she experienced what I did and had someone do what she did to me she would [I]more than likely kill herself. She tried to slit her own throat because her current neckbeard boyfriend she is with made excuses to not hang out with her and she found out she was the side chick the entire time so I had to wrestle a knife away from her, restraint her, and go to class with her to make sure she was okay, even after she took her anger out on me.[/I][B][I]I COULD HAVE BEEN STABBED. THAT WAS FUCKED. I have nightmares about that scenario and the other scenarios she put me through.[/I][/B] [editline]31st March 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=gustavholst;52036905]Shit, man that's so fucked up. I am so sorry you were betrayed by somebody so close to you and you have every right to be upset. Nobody ever has any justifiable reason to use violence on other people (I mean like outside of self defense).[/QUOTE] She has mental issues and beat me because she accused me of not paying rent, I did and had a receipt, she was angry about her current boyfriend. She abused her own mother too. Her mother has some major issues from her own daughter and it's uncanny how I look like her mom but younger. Ex best friend got drunk and screamed saying "I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN! THEN SHIT WOULD BE SOOO EAASY! FUCK BOYS" *her bf is a fuckboi but she's with him anyways* and she tried to get really intimate with me (even though she's straight) the night before she beat me and we were both drunk so I had to be smart and just take care of her and let her puke up the alcohol and go to sleep. I think she has repressed bisexual tendencies because she jerked off next to me in bed every night and then would get mad at me the following morning even though I pretended I never heard it. One time while we were high she told me a "story about someone she knew": "I knew a girl named *same name as my ex best friend oddly enough* she would masturbate every night because her father molested her when she was little so she does that to cope." and I was too high to realize she was talking about herself... It didn't hit me until months later... she was talking about herself and that's why she jerked off next to me and acted weird around me... her dad was a coke addict and abused her mother and she's just like her father. It's a whole mess of fucked up.

Remember that were all human with our own backgrounds and justifications for our mindsets, really glad to hear things are shaping up but don't let your forward thinking get clouded with negativity yknow?

[QUOTE=No Party Hats;52036946]Remember that were all human with our own backgrounds and justifications for our mindsets, really glad to hear things are shaping up but don't let your forward thinking get clouded with negativity yknow?[/QUOTE] I am in a constant limbo of pushing forward and involuntarily remembering the past. It's out of my control.

It's not out of your control bro, just seems extremely hard to do. You'll get through it though you'll just have to keep soldiering on really

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52036973]It's not out of your control bro, just seems extremely hard to do. You'll get through it though you'll just have to keep soldiering on really[/QUOTE] It's been 5 months and I have nightmares and night terrors where I wake up dilusional and screaming. Litterally crying loud for minutes, used to be hours, until I was fully awake and realized logically I was safe and not being beaten by her anymore.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52036979]It's been 5 months and I have nightmares and night terrors where I wake up dilusional and screaming. Litterally crying loud for minutes, used to be hours, until I was fully awake and realized logically I was safe and not being beaten by her anymore.[/QUOTE] Like I said, it's hard man, I can't understand how hard it is but nothing is impossible. You will get through it, it's just going to be a long hard process and you will be a better person at the end of it.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52036998]Like I said, it's hard man, I can't understand how hard it is but nothing is impossible. You will get through it, it's just going to be a long hard process and you will be a better person at the end of it.[/QUOTE] I don't doubt you but I also do doubt you. Logically I can see the linear progress of how I have gotten better after this, but at the same time I feel weak and like I'll just kill myself in the end. I guess the best way to describe how I plow through things in life is like, I'll cry and scream while also putting in my 100% to fight my depression and living circumstances, and only feel better when I see some progress.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52037010]I don't doubt you but I also do doubt you. Logically I can see the linear progress of how I have gotten better after this, but at the same time I feel weak and like I'll just kill myself in the end. I guess the best way to describe how I plow through things in life is like, I'll cry and scream while also putting in my 100% to fight my depression and living circumstances, and only feel better when I see some progress.[/QUOTE] Yeah it's hard to see through it but it's good that you do think logically. A lot of people with depression/anxiety and all that jazz tend to be thinking emotionally 100% and never logically. You're already on your way there so just keep at it bro

Ugh, was doing so well today and then a coworker texts me after I get off to bitch about how i screwed up another set of rolls. Again. I thought they were fine. But apparently that was the issue. I was so focused on getting the rolls I always messed up perfect that I completely screwed up the other rolls. Jesus I'm fucking useless.

or maybe you didn't screw up the rolls and she just wants to bitch at you because she's a shit stain of a person and most likely want to blame you because she is bad at her job?

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52037110]or maybe you didn't screw up the rolls and she just wants to bitch at you because she's a shit stain of a person and most likely want to blame you because she is bad at her job?[/QUOTE] No, I legit screwed up the big rolls because they are too small. I wasn't paying attention to those particular rolls that I screwed up because I was paying 100% of my attention to the mini rolls I always screwed up because I was pretty much on the edge of a panic attack anytime I look at the mini rolls now. Yesterday I did have a panic attack because I thought I messed up the mini rolls because they looked too big. Yes, I have been griped out about the rolls so much I'm TERRIFIED to mess them up.

[QUOTE=nagachief;52037131]No, I legit screwed up the big rolls because they are too small. I wasn't paying attention to those particular rolls that I screwed up because I was paying 100% of my attention to the mini rolls I always screwed up because I was pretty much on the edge of a panic attack anytime I look at the mini rolls now. Yesterday I did have a panic attack because I thought I messed up the mini rolls because they looked too big. Yes, I have been griped out about the rolls so much I'm TERRIFIED to mess them up.[/QUOTE] Can't you speak to whoever your manager is and ask for re-training? If you're honest and tell them how much it's effecting you I'm sure they will help you out. She's still a bitch though. Why do you even have her texting you??? Do you have a work phone?

Wow... I've been sitting in the gym lobby like a lump with my laptop on my lap, holding back tears for two hours now.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52037141]Can't you speak to whoever your manager is and ask for re-training? If you're honest and tell them how much it's effecting you I'm sure they will help you out. She's still a bitch though. Why do you even have her texting you??? Do you have a work phone?[/QUOTE] I know how to make them, but because they are completely unpredictable in rising behavior I cannot consistently get them right. On top of doing everything else at the same time because I have to. I struggle at multitasking. I know I probably sound fucking stupid. And she's a family friend, that's why she can text me.

I have repetitive nightmares and night terrors about the exact incident between me and my ex best friend where she beat me. She yelled and laughed and screeched while I tried to kill myself with alcohol and benadryl after she beat me... (Tried to overdose but got scared after the 5th benadryl, was about to take two more entire sleeves and was in the process of popping them out of the package, and had the bottle and benadryl taken away by her younger brother.) Her angry, smiling face, her screaming/screaching voice and her laugh. It fucks me up. I flinch when I think about where she hit and kicked me. (She kicked my ribcage and smashed my head and neck with her fists repeatedly, did not stop and I screamed and cried. She pushed me and punched me and I shake thinking about it. Right now as I type, I'm anxious people in the lobby are going to look at me weird.

If she's a family friend then grass her ass up to someone. She should be offering support not ripping you about it. and speak to your manager about their unpredictability then, not your fault then if you can't get it right all the time [editline]31st March 2017[/editline] I'm a bit bummed out by my life at the moment. It's not as bad as some of the stuff you guys are going throug and I'm thankful for that but still a strain. Girlfriend and her anxiety causing issues Diagnosed with an incurable disease (celiac) Barely had any money for the past 5 months, been paying fines/owed money, etc... keep going into my overdraft Can't move out on my current wage Got to renew my car insurance and it's gone up stupidly high

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52037169]I have repetitive nightmares and night terrors about the exact incident between me and my ex best friend where she beat me. She yelled and laughed and screeched while I tried to kill myself with alcohol and benadryl after she beat me... (Tried to overdose but got scared after the 5th benadryl, was about to take two more entire sleeves and was in the process of popping them out of the package, and had the bottle and benadryl taken away by her younger brother.) Her angry, smiling face, her screaming/screaching voice and her laugh. It fucks me up. I flinch when I think about where she hit and kicked me. (She kicked my ribcage and smashed my head and neck with her fists repeatedly, did not stop and I screamed and cried. She pushed me and punched me and I shake thinking about it. Right now as I type, I'm anxious people in the lobby are going to look at me weird.[/QUOTE] Don't worry about what others think about you, and I know that's incredibly difficult to do and easier to say, because you're totally valid in your feelings. Anybody that looks at you weird can fuck off. Are you seeing a professional? It's not for everyone, but talking it out could really help.

This isn't about me, but a friend. We were supposed to hang out tonight, but it was cancelled because her "mind set wasn't right." Said friend also requested that she doesn't want to talk to anyone for a while. What do I do? She sounds like she's going through hell and I feel powerless to help. I tend to help my friends whenever I can, but I don't know what to do. Is this somthing my friend has to handle alone?

-snip-

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52037220]Don't worry about what others think about you, and I know that's incredibly difficult to do and easier to say, because you're totally valid in your feelings. Anybody that looks at you weird can fuck off. Are you seeing a professional? It's not for everyone, but talking it out could really help.[/QUOTE] I was being perscribed prozac by my own primary care doctor, have been searching for therapy but I'm scared/have not done much of that because I have trouble finding one who will help me analyze my trauma, and help teach me steps to recover from abuse. Had trouble getting a proper intake appointment and my exercise has been a temporary solution so I never bothered. [editline]31st March 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=gustavholst;51984028]I'm not doing well. I feel like my hearts been ripped out of my chest and I'm hitting rock bottom. I had a panic attack for the first time in maybe like a year and a half and I think I'm scaring people around me. I'm so afraid of being by myself because I can't stop crying and the one person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me. I'm calling my psychiatrist tomorrow, but I don't know how soon I can go in. I'm going crazy. I don't want to live like this.[/QUOTE] Sorry for the late reply but why does the person you want to talk to not want to talk to you? [editline]31st March 2017[/editline] Prozac actually made me borderline seizure because I had a god damn up-doseage. I was tweaky/jittery/shaky had poor motor control for almost a month I'd say? I was hospitalized and passed out for hours, woke up occasionally and checked my phone and cried. That was fucking awful. All because of trauma over one girl who has serious mental issues. The worst part is she doesn't even feel bad and that makes it all so much worse. I couldn't put food down (I can now, I have a huge appetite thanks to exercise and it's made me bulk up and get strong physically.) I was drained, weak, depressed. and I STILL am. I overcame my fear of food somewhat, eat more to get stronger. The ability to lift and sprint like a beast makes me much more confident than being the scrawny stringbean I was 5-7 months ago. Your body needs nourishment. I used to be scared of eating, still get anxious when people comment on how much I eat and what I eat, and my mentality around food was fucked because I used to be fat as some of you know. [editline]31st March 2017[/editline] ... and I wish I didn't care what people think. I am getting better about that. Like at my gym when I'm working out I'm confident, I go to the store and I don't get anxious anymore. I eat alone and do everything alone. My girlfriend live in another town but when we're together I usually do all the talking and ordering and I'm perfectly ok with that, I even helped her nail down a job interview just by upping her confidence with encouragement. (She has anxiety and reminds me of me when I waswith my ex best friend, but ever since she's been with me she's getting confident real fast and it makes me so happy)

[QUOTE=The golden;52030302]You think and say things about yourself that are not true. They're either extreme exaggerations or just outright false[/QUOTE] I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. And all those things I say is not only what I think about myself, but has also been proven by other people. Like when I say I'm dumb, I can't learn anything, I have bad grades, I make terrible choices that other people point out because it's obviously stupid, when all of these happens, you're probably dumb, and it's not just what I think. Or when I say I'm a social outcast who everybody laughs at, Nobody ever comes to me nor will they stay when I come to them, I do something wrong in the slightest and everybody laughs at me, Everybody avoids me. Yeah, I'm probably a loner laughingstock Put yourself in my shoes for just one day and you'll say the same thing. Yeah, I know what I say sounds too sad to be true, but that's how it is. Furthermore, I'll try to find a psychiatrist. I'll probably need to steal some money first in order to find transport to get there. But if it doesn't work, like if I can't find nobody, need money for it, need to contact my parents for it, or I just can't talk at all, then I'm out of this life for good.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52037628] Sorry for the late reply but why does the person you want to talk to not want to talk to you? [/QUOTE] It's complicated, and I wish it wasn't, but it's more to do with them(?) not exactly knowing what they want? I was also incredibly sick (throwing up, etc.) when I wrote this, most likely from a combo of stress and some other stuff, so normally I'm a lot more level headed. It's crazy how something can completely throw you off, I still think how I acted was real, but like...Majorly intense. Also, I really admire how you got over your issue with food, because I struggle with that from time to time. Honestly, now I'm just happy I can keep stuff down now and not throw it back up from being so insanely upset. It's normal to care what other people think, like it's human nature, but I guess the ultimate goal is to let it go.