Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I'm sad and I don't know why. I feel like not trying anymore, I fantasize about wrapping myself under my blanket and just wait the days out. It seems so nice. I don't shower anymore. I'm in love with a girl that I've never met. Badly in love. For like a year now. I type in short sentences because I can no longer be fucked to try with sentences. I don't know why. I'm just sad. I don't have any friends anymore. That's not really a big deal though. Nothing's really wrong. Just feel bad. What should I do?

Didn't there used to be a steam group like 2 years ago? Sometimes I don't feel like posting up a paragraph and rather seek therapy talking to likeminded people, but not on a personal level like you would get from a private conversation.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;52049979]Didn't there used to be a steam group like 2 years ago? Sometimes I don't feel like posting up a paragraph and rather seek therapy talking to likeminded people, but not on a personal level like you would get from a private conversation.[/QUOTE] Perhaps a discord server specifically for this thread would be a good idea.

I just walked out of my dad's house crying after five minutes of being there (probably a new record) after his wife spent that time yelling at me about not having a period while I was practically still standing at the door of the house. I'm not even kidding, yelling that I wasn't healthy and all this shit when it's normal in my circumstances. I don't think I've ever felt so uncomfortable and berated over something that's not even my fault nor her business.

This will be a long post but I've been put through with girl problems for a while now. Mostly because of shit that happened with a shitty ex from nearly six months ago now, which was not long after I started being active on here again (I only used to go on here like every few months until about August last year but this started in October). I only had two or three crushes before then but they were all failures and I wasn't so crazy for girl back then, this all happened within three years (2013-2016) and they were all close distance. I was stuck in a nightmare for six or so weeks and it still gets to me sometimes. I was in a relationship with a depressed girl that lives two hours away, self harming and that I'm talking. She was really nice for the first two or so weeks but then all of a sudden she started being all sad and mad at me because she felt like I didn't care or didn't care enough about her so she just went mental all the time at me. The real thing that sticks in my mind was when she was having a go at my old college mate on PlayStation, both of them sent me the same thing at the same time but my girlfriend at the time sent a censored version and I told her that my friend sent me the same thing uncensored (saying she doesn't want to me with me and I know that). She just went apeshit over it and I had to remind her that I'm autistic and I find it hard to communicate at times, especially when I'm feeling under pressure which I was at the time and then she tells me "I shouldn't be with you because of the autism". Honestly it hurts even thinking someone would say that to my face and before then I said that to her when we first got together, and she was fine with it. It's funny that she tried to make me fall out with my friends just for the sake of her and I did end up falling out with one of my college friends and my friend who she left me for. She broke up with me in the middle of November and a week after she went out with my friend who I later fell out with over her, then recently she broke up with him and we became friends again but then she left him for some other dude. Also talking about these girl problems. I made the dumb mistake of talking to a girl, who knew my ex which I didn't know about until like a week after but only to realise after I cut this girl off that my ex and this girl's ex didn't want her talking to me because she made out I mistreated my ex and made a ton of lies about me being shit to her pretty much. Shortly before I stopped talking to this girl, I ended up talking to an American girl. This other girl got back with her ex and basically betrayed me. This American girl that liked me and I liked her, she cheered me up and all that because I generally had a shit day anyway. We did have a small relationship but then she told me she got cancer but at this point I think that she wasn't being truthful about it. Then this weekend was quiet as it turned out her phone got confiscated by her parents and she hasn't been on since. Honestly, it's been a maze recently regarding this girl and whether I should just give up and move on but I'm so stuck. I'm worried to talk to some girl near me to have this American girl return as we already have plans to possibly meet up in the summer and I don't think it'd look good if I have those plans while I'm talking to another girl. Earlier in the week, I talked to my friend who my ex left me for and he hated her as much as I did when she left me for him as she left my friend for someone else. Also to hear he knew about this girl I was talking to before the American girl and that my ex didn't want her to talk to me so it was evident she was sticking with her the whole time I was talking to her without me realising like the idiot I am. Then again, in general I'm worried I'll end up being in the same trap where I'm stuck with some girl who acts all nice but then uses and abuses me like my ex did, and it would be worse if it was a close distance girl as my ex girlfriend was about two hours away and we never met like I mentioned. Yeah, I'm honestly so confused and the only thing that gets me off my mind about it all is YouTube and games which I've always turned to, to help distract me from everything happening in life. Honestly, when this American girl comes back, we need to talk things over because I don't know what she's doing with herself but it doesn't look like anything good. Just so worried if it all goes wrong and I end up losing my chances like every other time... If only it was as easy as forgetting everything happened and start talking to another girl and one that's close and cares about me as much as I would about her.

Suicidal again & self harming. My mood went from okay to full depression in less then seven hours. What's scary is realizing how bad it'd be right now if I was off the meds. No particular reason either. Just bipolar or one of my other diagnoses, I guess.

I've been feeling depressed...like usual, and I want something that could possibly cheer me up. Idk though, nothing really does make me feel better. And if it does, it's just for a short amount of time, like an hour, 30 minutes, etc. Long story short, I am Transgender, been on the tablets for transitioning since Jan this year, it's going really slow and I am getting depressed due to it. I wouldn't say I am Suicidal, cause I have no motivation to commit Suicide despite really wanting to die. I am on Max Dosage with my Anti-Depressants, it doesn't do jack for me.

[QUOTE=racerfan;51917627]After two months of waiting, I have an appointment with a psych tomorrow for some anxiety medication. Can someone give me some pointers on what to expect, both from the appointment itself and afterwards? I've heard it usually takes the medication a couple of weeks to take effect after you first take it.[/QUOTE] Bit of an update on this: I met with the psych and got prescriptions for Prozac and Klonopin, both of which I've been taking for a little over a week now (since Spring Break was coming up after the appointment I opted to start afterwards. Still don't want to risk my mother finding out). I'm still settling into it and it makes me drowsy as hell, but I think I can genuinely say this is the best I've felt me entire life. This weekend I got out more, reconnected with some old friends, all that jazz. I finally don't feel constantly anxious all the time and I have energy to do the shit I want to get done. I've got about a month before I head back home from uni, hopefully things keep up this way. Even if everything leading up to this went less than ideally, at least I can end the semester on a good note. I've got a followup appointment with the psych tomorrow, we'll see how that goes.

-snip-

I actually used to think I could deal with having no IRL friends, seeing as high school taught me that being friendless was better than having them. 7 years on and the loneliness is now becoming more of a shit to deal with.

So I work seven days a week usually. Two jobs with schedules that conflict so that I cant work them in the same day, so I can't actually get a day off. On very rare occasions I will get 1 day off from both jobs, but other than that it is the same usual 9 hour shift every day. Here's the thing, I don't feel like a person most of the time. I feel like I don't really have any hobbies, because working as much as I do and with my mental health I never really have the time or willpower to do much. I feel like my life is entirely defined by my work right now, and that only serves to make me feel even worse about myself. How the you fuck do people balance work and life? Especially if they are depressed?

snip that was a dumb question

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52051601]I actually used to think I could deal with having no IRL friends, seeing as high school taught me that being friendless was better than having them. 7 years on and the loneliness is now becoming more of a shit to deal with.[/QUOTE] I know the feeling, this is going to sound stereotypical but see if there are any clubs around for things you like, for example I went to a board game club when I first started "improving" from my depression, I still go to it now, and I have some friends that I've made there.

went driving before and had thoughts of what would happen or whatever to anyone i know other than immediate family (parents, sister) if i ended up wrapping myself and my car around a tree or pole (though i wouldnt intentionally do that, or atleast i hope not) didnt feel like much would change tbh

[QUOTE=Araknid;52052676]went driving before and had thoughts of what would happen or whatever to anyone i know other than immediate family (parents, sister) if i ended up wrapping myself and my car around a tree or pole (though i wouldnt intentionally do that, or atleast i hope not) didnt feel like much would change tbh[/QUOTE] You're right in the fact that not much would change. As sad as it is we're all tiny specks on this huge planet. Your family would grieve and be extremely upset but they would move on after x amount of time. That's not the point though. Even if your life is miserable (which it may not be), why not try and make those people around you happy. You can make more of a difference being alive by making other people happy. Buying your mum some flowers, calling up your sister for a random chat. Small things can make a huge difference. I think I'm gonna go and pick up my mum some flowers on the way home from work actually too.

I think I'm going to the hospital right now, I cried all day yesterday and things haven't been getting easier. Can anyone who's ever walked into the ER for depressive troubles give me any advice or knowledge about the experience?

2h sleep in 3 days fucking end me already

[QUOTE=ColdWave;52053265]I think I'm going to the hospital right now, I cried all day yesterday and things haven't been getting easier. Can anyone who's ever walked into the ER for depressive troubles give me any advice or knowledge about the experience?[/QUOTE] if you feel you need to go the hospital go for it. They will help stabilize you until you're ready to go home. I had a good experience at the hospital and I felt safe there when I had suicidal thoughts.

I hate having anxiety when playing games. I have to play against bots because its just easier for me mentally, but it also means that I basically always play alone since I have maybe one or two people that want to play as well and don't mock me for it. I even posted about it on some depression subreddit where a bunch of people commented saying they wanted to be friends, so I posted my steam info and obviously haven't gotten a single add. It feels like such a petty thing but I hate it, and feel so lame and lonely because of it.

[QUOTE=Naught;52054558]I hate having anxiety when playing games. I have to play against bots because its just easier for me mentally, but it also means that I basically always play alone since I have maybe one or two people that want to play as well and don't mock me for it. I even posted about it on some depression subreddit where a bunch of people commented saying they wanted to be friends, so I posted my steam info and obviously haven't gotten a single add. It feels like such a petty thing but I hate it, and feel so lame and lonely because of it.[/QUOTE] I would if I had any real multi-player things I played on pc. I'm really sorry and I totally understand your thought process

So, I just met with my psychiatrist today, and while I won't necessarily have to change my medication I'm heading back to therapy (which sucks, but I think I'm ready). I do admire how well she can look at me and parrot back to me how I feel in such a concise and accurate way. It's amazing and eye opening. It did make me realize how much progress I've made in the past two years, how I've been actually able to open up to other people even if I fear rejection and being hurt. It also made me realize that I still have a long way to go. She went back and read me back our initial session, and holy shit it's insane how different and yet similar I am to my younger counterpart. I just want to be able to get up, dust myself off, and go on.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52054822]So, I just met with my psychiatrist today, and while I won't necessarily have to change my medication I'm heading back to therapy (which sucks, but I think I'm ready). I do admire how well she can look at me and parrot back to me how I feel in such a concise and accurate way. It's amazing and eye opening. It did make me realize how much progress I've made in the past two years, how I've been actually able to open up to other people even if I fear rejection and being hurt. It also made me realize that I still have a long way to go. She went back and read me back our initial session, and holy shit it's insane how different and yet similar I am to my younger counterpart. I just want to be able to get up, dust myself off, and go on.[/QUOTE] Keep that drill turning.

[QUOTE=Naught;52054558]I hate having anxiety when playing games. I have to play against bots because its just easier for me mentally, but it also means that I basically always play alone since I have maybe one or two people that want to play as well and don't mock me for it. I even posted about it on some depression subreddit where a bunch of people commented saying they wanted to be friends, so I posted my steam info and obviously haven't gotten a single add. It feels like such a petty thing but I hate it, and feel so lame and lonely because of it.[/QUOTE] Hey, I feel you, I really do. I had the same thing ages ago, where for the longest time I didn't really have any confidence in myself or my skills, so I tried to avoid playing without friends alltogether. Dota 2 was a nightmare, and the few times I ventured into solo matchmaking, I was a wreck. It's improved considerably since then and I have no issues with it now, but I can totally understand how you feel, and how nerve-wracking it is. While timezones are a bit fucky, you are welcome to add me on Steam and/or Discord to hit me up if you have any games I own aswell, I'd be happy to party up with you if you need someone to play with. Though even if my confidence is up, I can't say the same for my skills :v: This goes for everyone else in this thread, really. I'd be happy to play with you all if time allows it, and I'm not too busy.

the only time my confidence grows enough to play against people is if I'm high as shit, or surrounded by people who force me into it and don't yell at me :v:

can't promise i can play much on weekdays but i'm free to be added too just to chill if need be

[QUOTE=The bird Man;52053323]2h sleep in 3 days fucking end me already[/QUOTE] no sleep club!! My new prescription is late coming to me so i've been medicationless for about 3 days now and I can't sleep for shit without my seroquel. Last night I got about 2-3 hours of actual decent sleep BUT strangely I woke up today feeling completely rested. I spent my first couple classes in a super mentally hyper manic state then slowly rollercoastered down into a really depressed state then towards the evening went back up again to feeling good. Whenever I don't take my meds this always happens haha. that's the bipolar symptoms coming back after days of no medication. That shit's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when you're manic nothing can stop you and you crank out homework and stuff like no tomorrow, and also a curse because then it comes crashing down and you better hope you got some work done because then you can't will yourself to do ANYTHING

probably gonna quit my drawing. I've mostly just grown to hate the process and what I draw. I started way too late and I've pretty much suffered for it. its one of those hobbies that, to me, not only makes you feel stupid for not being able to do it but outright tells you that you're stupid.

3:30 am here and even though I have school, there's something that's keeping me awake subconsciously. It's as if I could miss something if I went to sleep. It sounds weird but I'm in permanent unrest. I's not that I couldn't fall asleep, even though it usually takes me some time I fall asleep eventually. It's just that [I]something[/I] that I can't explain hinders me from going to sleep. And if I fall asleep it's usually just by accident when I fall asleep on my couch by accident because of exhaustion. My mother once thought she could "help" me by secretly giving me sleeping pills with valerian, which made me sleep for one whole day but didn't help me at all in hindsight.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52055733]probably gonna quit my drawing. I've mostly just grown to hate the process and what I draw. I started way too late and I've pretty much suffered for it. its one of those hobbies that, to me, not only makes you feel stupid for not being able to do it but outright tells you that you're stupid.[/QUOTE] I know it's something you gotta accept that it's gonna be rough starting out, and to just keep doing it to get better, but I can relate to this. I used to draw a lot when I was younger and was really good in comparison to my age group, but as I got older, I got less creative and motivated, and my skill stagnated (and probably regressed) completely. I haven't been serious about taking it back up as a hobby, but every once in a while I'll get a creative spark and pick up a pencil and try to put something down. The end product always ends up looking really shitty though. The worst part is that I still remember a lot of art fundamentals, so I know it's all about practice, but by that point I get too frustrated and give up for the next couple months, only for it to repeat again. It's a really self-defeating hobby for those starting out.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52055733]probably gonna quit my drawing. I've mostly just grown to hate the process and what I draw. I started way too late and I've pretty much suffered for it. its one of those hobbies that, to me, not only makes you feel stupid for not being able to do it but outright tells you that you're stupid.[/QUOTE] Don't think that way; as an artist myself, I don't think it's ever too late for others to get into the hobby. Anyone can become good at it if they have the courage to move forward. Just remember to take small steps at a time and practice occasionally once you get the hang of things. Get fair critiques from others, and stop doubting yourself so much. You should really revisit the fundamentals of drawing (i.e: shape, perspective, shading, etc) if you haven't already (that's actually what one of my friends is doing right now, in-fact).