Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Yogkog;52055969]I know it's something you gotta accept that it's gonna be rough starting out, and to just keep doing it to get better, but I can relate to this. I used to draw a lot when I was younger and was really good in comparison to my age group, but as I got older, I got less creative and motivated, and my skill stagnated (and probably regressed) completely. I haven't been serious about taking it back up as a hobby, but every once in a while I'll get a creative spark and pick up a pencil and try to put something down. The end product always ends up looking really shitty though. The worst part is that I still remember a lot of art fundamentals, so I know it's all about practice, but by that point I get too frustrated and give up for the next couple months, only for it to repeat again. It's a really self-defeating hobby for those starting out.[/QUOTE] The thing is that i've been "starting out" for about 5 years now. I feel terrible if I do something about and I feel bad if I ignore it. All it's made me wish is that I had studied this and kept drawing when I was in high school.

So I got a fairly busy cafe job recently, mostly waiting tables. I told my boss during the interview (she doesn't usually work where I do) that I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks occasionally, is it worth telling my local boss (the one that oversees me and trains me)/also what's the best way to tell them. I'm really uncomfortable talking about my anxiety and stuff to people idk why

Absolutely mention it, they can't accommodate for your needs if they don't know them

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52056006]The thing is that i've been "starting out" for about 5 years now. I feel terrible if I do something about and I feel bad if I ignore it. All it's made me wish is that I had studied this and kept drawing when I was in high school.[/QUOTE] Believe me, I'm feeling the exact same you do right now. I've gone from attempting to draw for at least an hour or two a day to dreading even picking up a pencil. I think I'm now straight up afraid of drawing. Go back to fundamentals is what I would say, but at this point it's hypocritical to suggest that when I can't do the same thing.

I'm so painfully demotivated at the moment. My spleen almost gave out from taking antivirals and now I'm struggling to find energy to do anything other than play games all day. All I want to do is keep learning to draw, but my mind is such a wreck I can't get anything done. I'd love to wind back the last 3 and a half years before it all went to shit. Nothing wants to go right for me it seems.

I'm going to try and visit the same psych again now and hopefully she could help me and give me prescription for whatever meds I need. If it doesn't work again then I would't know what to do...

This is asking a lot, I know but god damn I'm desperate at this point. I can't afford therapy, the friends I talk to have complex issues of their own that I don't want to burden them with. I'm looking for someone who's been down the road of anxiety/depression and solved it. I'm looking for someone who's willing to put up with me 1 hour per week. I asked if there was a chat group a few pages ago for this very reason, but there isn't one so this is the next thing. Thank you.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52056928]I'm going to try and visit the same psych again now and hopefully she could help me and give me prescription for whatever meds I need. If it doesn't work again then I would't know what to do...[/QUOTE] This didn't work. The psych wasn't available again. What a fool I am to think that any effort to fix myself won't end in failure with me feeling even worse than before I even tried to fix it. [editline]4th April 2017[/editline] Fuck, I spent some money and stole some of my mom's money to get to the clinic and she wasn't there. I was sleepy as fuck and couldn't concentrate a single fucking bit at school at all. I gave up nap and rest to prepare to the clinic and turns out that it was all in vein. Now I have a tutor coming in a few hours and I don't know what will happen because I didn't rest and I don't think I'll be able to focus at all even if he's speaking to my ear right fucking next to me. I fucking hate having to put up with ADHD and I fucking hate myself for only realizing it now when school is almost fucking over. I'm going to try to visit there again and if I don't get the prescription in that same day then I'm going to fucking kill myself no matter what. I don't even know if I can tomorrow nor if my mom will leave her wallet at home again. I don't even know how much I should spend for the prescription nor if the doctor will accept me or if the meds would work. This disorder ruined my fucking life and it will ruin it even further even if I know I'm having it and I know what to do. Tomorrow and the day after is the last day of school where you study in class and next week is the final FINAL test. If I get the prescription further than tomorrow it's almost fucking useless because I won't be studying much anymore and I don't know what to fucking do. I don't think there is another way to treat it other than meds. It's a neurological issue and you can't just talk it out with a professional, it's like trying to get the AIDS out of someone who has AIDS by just talking to a doctor. I feel like my ADHD is responsible for other illnesses like depression, suicidal, stress, etc. I don't even fucking know if I legit have ADHD or I'm just naturally stupid. Stupidity has no cure. I don't even know how the fuck I managed to get this far with ADHD but I'm reaching the point where I can no longer go on with it. I wish I could have known about it sooner fixed it sooner. I wouldn't have to have all those bad grades or have to cheat in some tests. I would've been able to talk to many people and have good friends and a girlfriend. I wouldn't have to get stressed, depressed and all that fucking shit. I wouldn't have to lose against children waaaayyyy younger than me in academic skills and other things. Yes these things are true and I'm not making it up or exaggerating it. I wish I could go back in time and fix it. I fucking hate my life and I just want it to end because I can't cope with this shit anymore. I hate my parents for ignoring this and always saying the same fucking shit when I tell them I have problems and I hate them for not thinking that 2 kids is enough even though in that time the government had a program which said that 2 kids is enough. If they'd think the same way I wouldn't exist and all the pain could've been saved. FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND FIX EVERYTHING I REALLY CAN'T TAKE HAVING THIS ANYMORE.

Can't sleep tonight. I can't stop thinking about my cat, I just wish he were alive so I could cuddle him one last time.

Tomorrow is my moms birthday but she passed away Dec 6th.. I really miss her..

[QUOTE=bounty;52057426]Tomorrow is my moms birthday but she passed away Dec 6th.. I really miss her..[/QUOTE] I guess I'm "lucky" since I could never remember either of my parents birthdays, so I won't feel like shit when my dads comes up and I remember he's dead. I know how you feel though. Losing a parent feels like shit. I still miss him calling me out of the blue to catch up.

I've been a bit better going to the gym and outside in general more often but idk why but a low mood just hit me like a truck now I just feel like dying

Here's a never expiring invitation link to the discord server that I set up for this thread: [url]https://discord.gg/rSSsj3s[/url]

wow Yesterday I got a sore throat, all my muscles were gone, and I couldn't keep my head straight. I got so cold no matter how many sheets I used I still shivered and had difficult breathing. I started to suspect that I had the flue due to the pain in my legs and arms, but it turned out it only went on for a day so that couldn't been it. So after constant struggling to sleep, I finally got some rest. Problem was that I had a terrible fever; worst one of my life I could even feel the burning on my hand. At the same time shaking in cold I got some type of electric shocks in my entire body, mostly legs, feet and hands. Combining strong fever with sleep is vividly crazy, since it gave me severe nightmares that made me woke up over and over again, entering the same nightmare. Each single time I woke up I hallucinated that my entire room was entangled with black cords that were messed up. Me with no body strength and a fucked up head for some reason had to collect all the cords and put them in order. I walked and crawled around the room grabbing things that were not there. Cords kept growing on objects every time I picked one up. I had my first feeling of a close-death-encounter as I believed if I didn't untangle and fixed the cords on the furniture and decoration, I would somehow die. This went on for hours during the night, and it feels like a dark hangover. I'm sleeping over at my stepbrother and he heard everything. Also woke up and the entire sofa was covered in sweat. When I woke up I had to force myself not to vomit, and I had some sick diarrhea feeling. Everywhere I looked it was dark, but yet my eyes couldn't stand the brightness, it was like slowly passing out. Felt like shit the entire day, barely any sleep, constant struggle and I've never felt this suicidal in my life. I had to drive away the entire day so my stepbrother couldn't see me like that. I was so depressed I could barely walk and my body strength was still depleted so I couldn't think or even keep my head straight up. I went to the hospital because this was some brain tumor tier shit, because I had no idea things like this could actually happen except for movies. The woman told me it was a panic attack, WHAT? I've had panic attacks and this is noway near being one, this is the most fucked up shit I've ever experienced. This is not something that should be unchecked. I've decided to start contacting my psychiatrist again because I think I'm in danger, especially since my disabilities are getting far worse. I'm very tired today and I feel motivated to nothing.

Agghhh My girlfriend was behaving weirdly with me all yesterday and found out today she's doing this thing that happens every 3+ months where she 'doesn't feel happy with us' and then brings up all these issues such as "I feel like you don't care for me", "you don't love me" etc I've just been crying over the phone with her because it frustrates me so much. She refuses to believe she has anxiety still but then comes out with stuff like this. I keep telling her to see a professional so she can get a proper opinion on it but she refuses. I don't even know what to do in situations like these, I've tried so hard for two years and it's not exactly nice to hear that stuff.

Great, tried to visit the psych AGAIN and guess what, she wasn't there again! WHY DOES EVERYTIME I TRY TO FIX MYSELF THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING TO MAKE IT FAIL WITH ME FEELING WORSE THAN BEFORE I EVEN TRIED, I CAN'T RECALL 1 EFFORT TO FIX MYSELF THAT DIDN'T END IT FAILURE I talked to her secretary and she said she will contact me tomorrow. What fucking use is it? Tomorrow's the last day of school and I won't ever be able to feel what it's like to be a normal fucking student. To attend class and actually understand what the fuck the teacher is talking about, to have friends and not be a fucking social outcasts who everybody ignores and laughs at, I'm not even sure if I even get to meet the fucking psych tomorrow and get the prescription for the meds I need. Sure life is still a long journey after high school but high school is where you take off in life, where you're headed for college and work, the people you work with, etc is from high school and I've fucking messed it up, I've got none. If anyone knows how to get back in time to fix things then please let me know, I need it bad before I fucking kill myself. It feels like I've fucking ruined my childhood and teenhood. I've fucking failed everything I want and need to be. I'm incredibly naive in everything in life and I wish I could just fucking die because it feels like I've messed everything up and it feels like it's too late to fix everything. I've come to school and learned very little, I'm grown and have very little preparation, I'm incredibly stupid and useless compared to everyone around me, and everyone I shouldn't be stupid and useless against like younger children who can do everything I can't. I've lost the person who meant the world to me multiple times. It feels like I've reached the limit of what I can do with this disorder, and everything I tried further only hurts me. I won't be able to live with it, it just kills me. I just don't want to fucking live anymore, not like this. I'm not even sure if the meds will help me nor if I get to have an appointment with the psych, nor if I actually have whatever illness I have or I'm just incredibly fucking stupid. I don't know what to do anymore, I really just want to die since today was my last hope and of course, it didn't work. If tomorrow doesn't work then I'm going to kill myself. I can't live like this any longer.

Just because someone has lost a good amount of blood doesn't mean you shouldn't try to tend the wound. Remember that self improvement is always worthwhile regardless of the circumstances. I'll be the first to admit I let emotional trauma and drugs take hold of me and totally ruin my school career, to the point where technically I dropped out as a sophomore. I know that feeling of 'fuck I wish I was more sorted out when it had an impact on my transcript' but you can only serve to help yourself by seeing this psych thing through. Keep pressing the issue with them and go in with a constructive mindset buddy, you've got it in you. While none of us share the same absolute situations, I feel like all of us empathize on some level, and all of us want to see you be successful and happy. Call again tomorrow, and if you don't get anything then do it the next day. Don't lose faith, we're all here if you need to vent or just have a regular ol' chat about your day. I know it's detailed in the OP, but have you ever considered mindfulness meditation? Of course that's no magical cure all to our problems but I've found that it's really helped me on a stress and anxiety level to just take 30~ minutes of my evening to listen to calm soundscapes and let my concerns just rinse away, if only fora little while [editline]5th April 2017[/editline] And always remember that there's never a 'last hope', as long as you're here with us and clear about your need to improve yourself, which you absolutely are which is great, you're on the right track to success. [editline]5th April 2017[/editline] Also I'll be honest I still hang out with most of my friends from highschool just because we got carried eachother through our darkest moments, but realistically they've got almost no bleed into my professional life. Work is kinda like school, you are surrounded by new faces, new opportunities to make a first impression, it's incredibly liberating. This is my radical HS dropout opinion but fuck highschool, all that matters is the diploma and even then I'm second in command at my work with literally no diploma and credentials. Seeing as you've been here a while, you've probably aggregated more knowledge from the internet then school. Don't put all the blame on yourself for your school experience, for many people it's just not a practically productive environment and that's perfectly fine. What you should focus on is self improvement. I know you already know that, sorry if I've been saying it like a broken record, but that extends beyond just directly combatting your situation through professional help. Of course that's a very important step to take, but even things like pursuing a hobby or boning up on an interesting topic on your own time at your own pace can be really helpful for self realization. It's best to veer off from negative mindsets if we can, so instead of talking about the bad... Really think of 5 hobbies you either enjoy or think you'd enjoy. Shoot for anything under the sun. Try to do that with 5 possible careers you'd like to follow too, and just reply with the answers to those two questions. [editline]5th April 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52061730]Agghhh My girlfriend was behaving weirdly with me all yesterday and found out today she's doing this thing that happens every 3+ months where she 'doesn't feel happy with us' and then brings up all these issues such as "I feel like you don't care for me", "you don't love me" etc I've just been crying over the phone with her because it frustrates me so much. She refuses to believe she has anxiety still but then comes out with stuff like this. I keep telling her to see a professional so she can get a proper opinion on it but she refuses. I don't even know what to do in situations like these, I've tried so hard for two years and it's not exactly nice to hear that stuff.[/QUOTE] Oh god that pain echoes deep my man. As much as it sucks to say, don't count out the option that maybe removing yourself from the situation is an option worth considering. You can't help someone who doesn't first move to help themselves. Like I said though, that's only an option, and I totally get that it's practically the toughest option on the table, but just keep in mind that sometimes we've just got to move.

Went through about 9 months of being fairly happy with life, being social, not finding myself thinking about suicide or those those thoughts which get worse and worse and spiral into oblivion. Past month or 2 I've found myself slipping somewhat once again into some pit. I can't motivate myself to go out, won't answer texts or phone calls, thinking about bad stuff and increasingly think about how pointless everything seems to be. Thought I was over all that but looks like depression is back in my life I'm still going gym, still try meditation, still don't care about stuff and try not to compare myself to or judge others but its like its working less and less. Fuckin brain chemicals

Don't be disheartened, many times emotions come in waves. It -will- crest and you -will- persevere, just ride it out and focus on everything that's made you happy so far.

switching up my meds has probably made me feel worse idk if this is doing anything for me

[QUOTE=mchapra;52062200]switching up my meds has probably made me feel worse idk if this is doing anything for me[/QUOTE] It's all about finding the right one. I went through a lot of med changes. For about two years I was on Lexapro, which worked great for most of it, but looking back it really dulled my emotions and made me irritable. Now, I'm on Fetzima and while it's hard having to manage more emotion than I'm used to I'm happier on it, so don't give up!

can confirm that Gustav is significantly less of a pain in my ass nowadays!!!

I can't pursue a hobby or anything because like I said, my ADHD isn't letting me do anything. It's a neurological problem and you can't talk it out and I need meds for it which is the best and only solution, so it IS my last hope. I already said many times that I feel like I really have reached the limit on what I can do, academically and other things like improving on hobby. No matter how much I try it feels like it can't be improved any further. Don't give me that shit about "not trying good enough no matter what" because I've tried more than I could, and now it only hurts me when I do even more. I have no time to listen to things because I'm always busy and tired each day. I still won't hang on much longer if I can't get an appointment tomorrow, It's too painful to live this way and I've been living this way for too long. Plus, not having the appointment tomorrow just adds to the way that I won't ever get to fix myself even once, and I've been trying for years now.

I'm not trying to brush away your issues here and I'm not trying to say you can just talk your way out of it. Just gauge your interests in life, again it could be ANYTHING. I'm not talking about a hobby that you pursue, just something that's ever crossed your mind as potentially a neat thing

[QUOTE=No Party Hats;52062106] Oh god that pain echoes deep my man. As much as it sucks to say, don't count out the option that maybe removing yourself from the situation is an option worth considering. You can't help someone who doesn't first move to help themselves. Like I said though, that's only an option, and I totally get that it's practically the toughest option on the table, but just keep in mind that sometimes we've just got to move.[/QUOTE] I have been thinking that recently but I am still wanting to try. I told her over the phone that If this is how she is normally, if she thinks these things and acts these ways and she DOESN'T have anxiety issues, then this is not going to work. She keeps telling me that I'm making her paranoid by telling her I think she has anxiety issues and that I'm not helping etc and she doesn't think she have anxiety. I only want the best for her and if anything I hope she does have anxiety because the way she is behaving, if that is her normally then I don't want to be with her.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52062266]I have been thinking that recently but I am still wanting to try. I told her over the phone that If this is how she is normally, if she thinks these things and acts these ways and she DOESN'T have anxiety issues, then this is not going to work. She keeps telling me that I'm making her paranoid by telling her I think she has anxiety issues and that I'm not helping etc and she doesn't think she have anxiety. I only want the best for her and if anything I hope she does have anxiety because the way she is behaving, if that is her normally then I don't want to be with her.[/QUOTE] I'm glad you're open to looking at it from that angle if necessary. Maybe she just needs a break from the stresses of a relationship, when Gustav broke up with me last july I'll honestly say it was the best thing to happen to us in our relationship. That time apart gave us a lot more perspective and being friends with her now we've both clearly been changing for the best.

What is so hard about me saying "I don't mind" and you not asking be again 7 times, I've already had 1 major panic attack today, this person knew that but they still kept pressing the issue.

loneliness is starting to get kind of crushing and it's starting to get a lot harder to date now that i do overnights. fml

[QUOTE=Systema;52063082]loneliness is starting to get kind of crushing and it's starting to get a lot harder to date now that i do overnights. fml[/QUOTE] Social hobbies fixed it for me. Been playing Milsim for many years now, and there's so many people I've befriended, but only some I stay in contact with during regular days. It's a nice feeling to have a place to escape to and feel human again. So hobbies with socializing such as same interest or group effort.

[QUOTE=Systema;52063082]loneliness is starting to get kind of crushing and it's starting to get a lot harder to date now that i do overnights. fml[/QUOTE] Aw man overnights and social lives are shitty mixes, having done overnights for a year and a half now basically you choose sleep or a social life. If you take brief naps throughout the day I've found I can spread my sleep out just far enough to have daytime to see people, but you've also gotta be willing to the whole 6 hours of sleep thing