Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Well, today is my birthday, and I'm doing jack shit for it. I shouldn't really complain, I had a pretty nice birthday last year, but now I'm turning 21 and I feel like this is the one time young American adults go crazy with their friends. All my friends, including family are working. It also doesn't help that this past year has been probably the lowest I've been in terms of social anxiety. I don't know, I guess I just thought I'd be a lot farther along socially in my new environment by this time. I don't know what I hate more, the expectation that I have to validate myself with friends and booze to celebrate my existence, or the fact that I can't seem to find anyone to celebrate it with.

[QUOTE=SevenBillion;52075144]I have always had a hard time trying to socially interacting with other people, even to this day. Whenever if it is online or in real life, I can rarely if ever muster anymore than just a "Hi" or "How's your day?" without ending the conservation with either long awkward silence or me being completely sidelined as if I weren't here at all. All of my friends are expanding their social circles rapidly by making all kinds of connections while I am just stagnating with what's left of my tiny social circle when I should be expanding alongside with them. It doesn't help the fact that in high school I was bullied for my entire high school career, completely screwing up my already underdeveloped social skills. At this point, I have absolutely nothing to offer compared to my uni peers and the only thing I could offer is my decent academic performance, which looks mediocre compared to my peers. I am outclassed in every category like academics, social skills, connections, leadership skills, internships, debate skills, hobbies, and physique. It just me feel useless and soulless as if I am just a cheap robot. University is suppose to be my time to shine, but two years in, I have still yet to shine at all. I feel like I am just the same as if I just got off of High School, while all of my friends have significantly changed in that same time period. I don't even know what to do anyone, but just to curl up into a ball and cry.[/QUOTE] Sometimes it's more worthwhile to strengthen your core relationships, my buddy Swiss is going through the same thing and he's managed just by reconnecting with old friends and now we've got the most oddball group of buddies that we never would've thought would chill together in high school. Keep your chin up, it's always darkest before dawn! On another note, I hate to be that guy but how many people here smoke weed, whether it be for the relaxation from the drug or just the social atmosphere about it? I don't want to sound like a tool but honestly smoking has brought me some of my best social experiences because it's connected me to so many awesome people I'd have never considered a friend otherwise

My friend thinks I should go into therapy and I'm not so convinced it's a big deal, everything is mostly fine and I'm not depressed any more or really suffering from any mental illness, mainly thanks to uni just being great. But every time I come home and go to the town I went to school in and see my old school friends I regress back to a time in my life where I was depressed, and everything becomes shit again and I lose all my self esteem again and I basically just time travel back a year or two when everything was terrible. I've made so much progress in the past year but every time I come home for the holiday it just disappears. I can't really not go to the town because I still [i]live[/i] there in the sense that my parents and family do, I don't really want to never speak to my old school friends again because while things aren't perfect (and this is probably the reason) they're nice people and I've had good times with them, yeah I'm just confused. I guess it's a real non-issue nothing is really up any more, but I wanted to vent because I don't really know what to do and it seems like too little an issue for any real action beyond just thinking it through in my head.

Fuck, so I actually went to the psych again and I got tested for my ADHD and bipolar. She said I only have a slight ADHD although I probably have it worse and gave me meds but it's not Adderall nor Ritalin but something that I need to take once a day or something and I doubt it fixes my problems. She told me I needee $100 dollars for that 1 meet alone and I only got $5 and I need to ask my parents and I'm not going to explaim again why I don't involve my parents but basically I'm fucked if my mom knows I'm doing this then she's going to het angry and ask me to stop taking meds and seeing psychs. If that happens then I'll kill myself I just can't live like this.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52062217]It's all about finding the right one. I went through a lot of med changes. For about two years I was on Lexapro, which worked great for most of it, but looking back it really dulled my emotions and made me irritable. Now, I'm on Fetzima and while it's hard having to manage more emotion than I'm used to I'm happier on it, so don't give up![/QUOTE] every anti-depressant i've tried has just always made me feel like i'm not even there physically. idk if I like the feeling but it prevents my anxiety attacks.

[QUOTE=mchapra;52075392]every anti-depressant i've tried has just always made me feel like i'm not even there physically. idk if I like the feeling but it prevents my anxiety attacks.[/QUOTE] That's a totally normal reaction, I'd say just keep looking. Gustav had very similar problems but settled on lexapro for a while because it worked well enough, but since she decided to try another tlmed there's been a total inversion with her in regards to a lot of things that frustrated the both of us when we were together. Obviously I'm not a psychiatrist nor have first hand experience with medication but going off of anecdotal experiences with every one of my major relationships it's really worth it to keep looking it seems [editline]8th April 2017[/editline] Ayyy redundant posts ahoy

[QUOTE=mchapra;52075392]every anti-depressant i've tried has just always made me feel like i'm not even there physically. idk if I like the feeling but it prevents my anxiety attacks.[/QUOTE] Keep in mind anti depressants are an incredibly diverse set of drugs. Like, for example, Lexapro was a serotonin inhibitor, while my new one is a serointonin and norepinephrine inhibitor, but other drugs could focus on (don't quote me on this) dopamine and shit...There's another category I'm totally forgetting but I just woke you so forgive me. It also takes them a good deal of time to see true results from them, which is incredibly frustrating and terrifying if you're on the wrong one. I'm basically barred from a category of antidepressants because of a bad reaction I had when I was newly 18 (baby Gustav was dumb and accident overdosed).

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52075691]Keep in mind anti depressants are an incredibly diverse set of drugs. Like, for example, Lexapro was a serotonin inhibitor, while my new one is a serointonin and norepinephrine inhibitor, but other drugs could focus on (don't quote me on this) dopamine and shit...There's another category I'm totally forgetting but I just woke you so forgive me. It also takes them a good deal of time to see true results from them, which is incredibly frustrating and terrifying if you're on the wrong one. I'm basically barred from a category of antidepressants because of a bad reaction I had when I was newly 18 (baby Gustav was dumb and accident overdosed).[/QUOTE] I've been there with the bad reaction bit, I was given beta blockers to deal with my panic attacks in general but they didn't really mention that the side effects are it will make any depressive disorder you have worse. That kinda made me trust medication a bit less but then I was worse off after I was not taking any medication. Currently I'm trying to work things out with a new therapist.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52075691]Keep in mind anti depressants are an incredibly diverse set of drugs. Like, for example, Lexapro was a serotonin inhibitor, while my new one is a serointonin and norepinephrine inhibitor, but other drugs could focus on (don't quote me on this) dopamine and shit...There's another category I'm totally forgetting but I just woke you so forgive me. It also takes them a good deal of time to see true results from them, which is incredibly frustrating and terrifying if you're on the wrong one. I'm basically barred from a category of antidepressants because of a bad reaction I had when I was newly 18 (baby Gustav was dumb and accident overdosed).[/QUOTE] I've been all types of anti depressants including SNRI. The last SNRI I took was cymbalta was when I was drinking a lot so I never knew if it worked or not. Right now I'm not taking any anti depressant I switched back to rexulti which works better for me than seroquel.

I've been trying for the last 5 days to be close to my girlfriend and she never reciprocates it. It's making me dead inside since I cuddle her and its all one sided. I've stopped now and she complained the other day because I didn't get excited when she came home from work... She's gone to her dads for the weekend now but I've just felt out of energy all day and just want to sleep. I keep thinking that there might be someone out there better and who doesn't have a ton of luggage I have to carry too. I don't like these thoughts but I can't help it

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52075388]Fuck, so I actually went to the psych again and I got tested for my ADHD and bipolar. She said I only have a slight ADHD although I probably have it worse and gave me meds but it's not Adderall nor Ritalin but something that I need to take once a day or something and I doubt it fixes my problems. She told me I needee $100 dollars for that 1 meet alone and I only got $5 and I need to ask my parents and I'm not going to explaim again why I don't involve my parents but basically I'm fucked if my mom knows I'm doing this then she's going to het angry and ask me to stop taking meds and seeing psychs. If that happens then I'll kill myself I just can't live like this.[/QUOTE] You seem pretty young, and I used to think kind of like you did. Like I didn't want to live past 18 because all I knew was depression and anxiety. It was everywhere and I was convinced for a period of time that this would be permanent. You would be amazed how two years can make a difference. I had to beg my father to go to therapy, I hated myself and overall was a tough person to be around. I am now a person worth being, I have a future, a direction and most importantly I have love to give to other people now. I didn't want a future for a long time, but if I gave up and went through with my threats I would have missed the friends I have made and the experiences I lived through. It is likely I will have to be on some sort of anti depressant for the rest of my life, but that's okay.

This is without a doubt the most depressing birthday I've ever had. Happy 21, what ever the fuck that accounts for in my life.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52076974]You seem pretty young, and I used to think kind of like you did. Like I didn't want to live past 18 because all I knew was depression and anxiety. It was everywhere and I was convinced for a period of time that this would be permanent. You would be amazed how two years can make a difference. I had to beg my father to go to therapy, I hated myself and overall was a tough person to be around. I am now a person worth being, I have a future, a direction and most importantly I have love to give to other people now. I didn't want a future for a long time, but if I gave up and went through with my threats I would have missed the friends I have made and the experiences I lived through. It is likely I will have to be on some sort of anti depressant for the rest of my life, but that's okay.[/QUOTE] Good for you, I'm still fucked up in every way possible. I'm finishing up high school soon and still haven't gotten a college yet and everyone else does. I can't find a subject that's interesting enough for me and viable for me to do because my ADHD. Even if I do fix it I still need like 8 years of catching up. The meds that the doctor gave me didn't do shit. I feel no difference and I'm still as far away from being a normal, functional human as possible. If this goes on then I'm gone. Things may have worked out for you, but I've been living off "Keep holding on" for years and things have only gotten worse and every effor I do to fix myself is a failure or just makes things worse.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52078389]Good for you, I'm still fucked up in every way possible. I'm finishing up high school soon and still haven't gotten a college yet and everyone else does. I can't find a subject that's interesting enough for me and viable for me to do because my ADHD. Even if I do fix it I still need like 8 years of catching up. The meds that the doctor gave me didn't do shit. I feel no difference and I'm still as far away from being a normal, functional human as possible. If this goes on then I'm gone. Things may have worked out for you, but I've been living off "Keep holding on" for years and things have only gotten worse and every effor I do to fix myself is a failure or just makes things worse.[/QUOTE] Use a site like [url]https://www.khanacademy.org/[/url] to catch up and it won't take eight years. The only ADHD meds that are instant are stimulants. Everything else takes weeks to months to take full effect. Wellbutrin in particular can take up to six months from what I've read.

I've made a short film that starts out like a clone movie, but reveals its a movie about mental illness at the very end. It's mostly about how feeling normal and yourself when you're not taking medication, but you take the medication because you know you have to be able live in society. I let a friend watch it and they got pretty upset with me, because I didn't have a content/trigger warning in regards to mental illness. Her sibling suffers from schizophrenia, which I did not know. I understand why it may be helpful to put in there, but at the same time I feel like having a content warning like that instantly spoils the entire point of throwing off the audience. I feel like I should keep it as is, but I was just wondering what you guys thought? And I should note the film does not make fun of mental illness at all.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52078456]Use a site like [url]https://www.khanacademy.org/[/url] to catch up and it won't take eight years. The only ADHD meds that are instant are stimulants. Everything else takes weeks to months to take full effect. Wellbutrin in particular can take up to six months from what I've read.[/QUOTE] No, that's not what I need. I'm talking about college. I could study programming or just study art, but my ADHD won't let me. Programming is a difficult thing and I have trouble understanding and remembering things. I once tried to learn programming and I couldn't understand the first sentence alone, and yet my friends are already making websites, games, big projects that I won't be able to do. As for art, I've studied anatomy and shading hundreds of times and I still can't get one single fucking thing right, can't draw any simple shit right because I can't perceive reality visually. And there are hundreds of kids that are like 10 years younger than me that can do amazing things that I can never do, which is why I would probably take 8 years to catch up to them. Almost everyone at school can drive a car and motorcycle and I can't. I'm naive, I didn't understand college until like the last second of 12th grade, I still haven't created an ID, I'm so fucking unprepared. Not to mention that if you take art in college you have a shit ton of work and I'm a lazy, easily tired, fat, procrastinating fuck that can't get shit done and would probably get kicked out within a week. And yes, I know I'm all of those and I want to fix them, whatever I do, I just can't. Also my mom came and took away my meds. She was disappointed. I told her that even art school needs a lot of work and she says I'd rather me unemployed and find something that doesn't require a brain. She questioned the legitimacy of the psych I was seeing was and I don't think I'll be able to get any more meds, especially stimulants. I've read a lot on how stimulant type meds got many ADHD sufferers pumped their lives up, and even if it didn't work or it has side effects it's worth a try, what I've read is exactly what I need. But I don't think I'll ever get to get my hands on them. So I guess I'll stay a dysfunctional human being. Don't be surprised when you see me dead from failing to hold a glass of water or stressing out from a simple task or even arrested for killing people I'm pissed off or raping a little girl because I'm sexually frustrated and in love with girls during my high school tenure that I can never have since I'm a ugly, dysfunctional fuck.

I think at this point I have to encourage you to vent about the more intense thoughts you're having to someone or somewhere outside of this website. I know it's discouraging to know that nothing is getting better, but considering the advice that's been given to you, we can't offer much more help than what we've already provided. A personal blog might give you an avenue for talking more about your issues in length. You can also consider writing an e-mail or a letter to someone who might be able to give you options for mental health care outside of what you've already tried. From this point forward it's up to you. At the very least, please refrain from mentioning things like rape and murder. If you're legitimately having these thoughts, you need to contact the police or check yourself into a hospital voluntarily to keep the people around you safe.

I have nobody anymore

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52078838]I have nobody anymore[/QUOTE] I'd be a hypocrite to tell you to just stop thinking like that since I know that it doesn't work like that. but if you need an urgent live chat I recommend that you hop into the discord server for this thread. From personal experience I can tell you that venting in live chats is more useful than on forums, but hey, everyones different but you might wanna give it a try.

Don't wanna sound too rude, but can't you carry your meds somewhere else? Also if your mother thinks like that, you should try to find another place to live in.

[QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;52078883]Don't wanna sound too rude, but can't you carry your meds somewhere else? Also if your mother thinks like that, you should try to find another place to live in.[/QUOTE] I don't have money. The last time I visited a psych and got the meds it costed $100. [editline]9th April 2017[/editline] I've reached a dead end and I can't fix myself.

even people here has given up on me.. I'm sorry everyone.. I'm giving up myself..

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52079101]even people here has given up on me.. I'm sorry everyone.. I'm giving up myself..[/QUOTE] Don't please. It can get better :c

What's the point of this thread? Venting? Chatting? Advice? Cause whenever I post my problems here, 99% of the times it's ignored. I mean sure, there are a lot of people posting here, but multiple times it is just ignored/forgotten about. Maybe I got the concept of the thread mixed up..

Kind of all three. But you have to remember that even those who are giving advice are also dealing with their own issues. If your post is getting ignored it's either that no one is sure what sort of advice to give you or if you're looking for advice at all, rather than just venting. Usually, if you're looking for input, you may need to explicitly say so.

you can use this thread for venting, advice, and chatting. at least, that's what i think of it.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52079101]even people here has given up on me.. I'm sorry everyone.. I'm giving up myself..[/QUOTE] No one is giving up on you. But we aren't licensed mental health professionals. We can't offer much more than the same thing we've already been offering, but if it isn't doing you much good, then I'm not sure what you're looking for.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52079101]even people here has given up on me.. I'm sorry everyone.. I'm giving up myself..[/QUOTE] There's a reason why mental health advice can't go to specifics unless done by a trained mental health professional. I may have a degree in medicine, but I dare not give out specifics when it comes to mental healthcare because one wrong piece of advice can lead to dangerous consequences. You always leave things to the psychiatrists and neurologists here, and besides what you've already been told we honestly can't offer anything else. If you feel murderous thoughts coming on, or the urge to rape people, get yourself help somehow. Beg if you have to but get help.

Yeah, I don't want to be THAT person, but as somebody who has been sexually assaulted more than once the casualty of speaking about commiting rape due to sexual frustration makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

But I've tried to get help many times including seeing a psychiatrist and it didn't help. It just costs me trouble and money. I feel like I've reached a dead end. I hate my life and I hate myself. I can't live like this. I think it's really better for me and everyone else if I just killed myself now. I hate my life and people would hate it too if I stay any longer like this. [QUOTE={TFS} Rock Su;52079108]Don't please. It can get better :c[/QUOTE] You know how many times I've heard that? "Don't kys, It'll get better soon" and all that shit? That's what I've been doing. I've held on and held on and occasionally tried to improve but nothing ever gets better and all I do just makes things worse. So no, it doesn't really get better. It might for some people, but not for me.