Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=pith_;50971843]Why is suicide so difficult? Everything I read points to it actually being pretty hard to successfully pull off. I'm kind of scared of it, too. Thinking about killing myself gives me some anxiety. Yet, I'm also tired of living. In principle, I want to kill myself, but the act itself is too scary. Every day I think about it, I think about making a plan to finally do it, but I don't want to expend the energy and have it not be a success.[/QUOTE] The human body runs off of survival instinct, it will keep kicking and screaming for as long as it can, and that includes being unable to override our in-built desire to survive. However, for some people they consider their situation, their very existence, to be nothing more than a jail they somehow want to escape from. Hence it starts with suicidal ideation (as in your post), which leads on to an abortive, unsuccessful, or completed suicide attempt. My personal opinion, colored by my own life experiences (I too, have experienced bottom of the barrel levels of depression before) is that no matter how bleak things look, it's better to have gone out fighting than through..other means. Also, suicide legitimately affects the people you know of or are related to - one's own death, especially thanks to suicide, can and has been implicated in some instances as being the trigger that leads to somebody else taking their lives. Being tired of living and life in general is understandable in some - as well as the fear of death that nearly all of us have. At one point, I too would have welcomed death like an old friend or a brother, but having come close to it myself, I see only despair in the void, something that we should keep away from unless and until our time comes. In any case, none of us know if we're even going to be here today, or dead tomorrow. Despite everything life had to throw at me, I'm still alive. I apologize if I feel or sound intrusive, but in my humble opinion you need to find a reason to live for to stave off despair. Without such a reason in our lives, it makes it that much more likely that we will just want to end it all.

Second week of class and I'm already having to miss a day because I feel ill. Off to a good start...

I can understand the appeal of suicide, but I don't know. I'm no longer as far down as I was when suicide was appealing so I no longer view it as an option. Today, I'd just feel a little dumb on my own behalf since if I took my life when I was at the depths of my depression, I would have never gotten the opportunity to get better like I have today. I also got a lot of valuable knowledge from all of these issues I feel. A person who has had an amazing life would technically be a little dumber than me I feel in regards to mental health since they won't have the first hand experience of it. One never truly understands until they've experienced it themselves. Clinical depression taught me to view the positives in the negatives. It was hell of a class to participate in, but the knowledge it taught me is invaluable. It has taught me more, but this is one of the bigger things it taught me.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;50973489]but in my humble opinion you need to find a reason to live for to stave off despair.[/QUOTE] I've been trying to find a reason to live for several years at this point.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50973519]Second week of class and I'm already having to miss a day because I feel ill. Off to a good start...[/QUOTE] I'm hardwired in a way that I just can't miss class, or rather that I can't justify it even if I am really ill. I have to take two buses up to college and back which typically makes the trip a lot more unnecessarily long too. I remember two semesters ago my English professor flipped out because I looked like I was on death's doorstep in class, just sitting there with my eyes half closed trying to hold myself upright in my seat. I'm certainly going to feel the same way again this semester if I became sick again, since one of my classes actually changed a prerequisite, AKA if you fail the class you have to complete [B]two[/B] classes just to get back to where you were. I'm not too worried about failing the class or things going south, but you see why I have to be so serious about my classes in general.

Fortunately for me, I get accommodations for disability so missing a class isn't the end of the world for me. I guess I got shoved into going to school even on my worst days when I was growing up that now if I feel sick I just want to stay home and rest, so I don't go to class at all. I always feel guilty about it though. Even if it turns out that I'm really ill.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;50967546]How do you deal with depression due to mental problems you can't control?(Adult ADHD). I say bad shit to my friends and act really bad to the few friends I still have left and then I just hate my self even more.[/QUOTE] I have ADD and suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming which has almost cost me my job a number of times. Listening to Alpha Wave Binaural Beats and drinking green tea (which boosts alpha waves) calms me down and helps me to focus on my work long enough to get it done. Ritalin also helped me focus in the past but it made me incredibly depressed so I don't know if that could help in your situation. On another note, my life has gotten a bit better lately. My colitis seems to be responding to probiotics, but right now I'm saving up money to get FMT done professionally which will hopefully put me into remission for the next 7 years. It'll cost me $3500 AUD though, which is pretty steep for my financial situation. However, my boss seems to have stopped hating me, or at least doesn't see me as unreliable anymore. He's upped my contract hours from 10 to 18 a week, which'll help me save for the procedure. The real test will be Christmas time. I'll be stuck working 30 hour weeks (most likely) and that'll put some real strain on my health. Hopefully I can pull through until I get the procedure done.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50969476]Don't suppose you folks have any ideas what could be causing extreme exhaustion? Like holy shit I am tired. I've been on prescription B12 supplements for 50 days now as I had low levels of it but I still don't feel any better. If anything, I might be feeling worse which just tells me there might be something else as well zapping me for my energy. I don't feel particularly sad or depressed, just very apathetic and tiiiiiiired. My next appointment with my doctor is in March. Gonna check my vitamin D and B12 then. Such a long time to wait though, I think I want to schedule one like next week or so. Would suck so much if there's something more than just vitamin deficiencies and I won't know until March next year. Any idea what I could ask about? Sleep apnea? Whacky thyroid? What else could possibly be causing this? [editline]29th August 2016[/editline] Maybe it's just due to me not feeling at home at all when home. I don't feel like I belong here. If I remember correctly, I had a lot more energy back when I had the house for myself for 2 weeks straight.[/QUOTE] IIRC oral B12 supplements are really poorly absorbed. Unless you take it sublingually or get an infusion, you won't get enough from oral supplements. You can also look into CoQ10, as well as eating some 85% dark chocolate. Both provide energy for your mitochondrial cells which helps with fatigue. Dark chocolate also contains some caffeine which helps a little too. I end up eating a few blocks if I'm starting to feel too tired, it perks me right up. And as weird as it is to say it, if you're (potentially) fapping too much, cut back a little; you lose a lot of essential minerals each time which can take weeks to replenish if you're not eating healthily enough or take multivitamins.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;50978036]Glad you're back on track. Also a good time to celebrate more hours! And good luck with the procedure when it happens.[/QUOTE] I could potentially do it at home, but considering how messy and unpleasant it is I'd rather get it done properly, not to mention the risks. Only problem is my girlfriend is really interested in buying our first home, and that requires me to drop a few thousand on the down payment (she'd be footing most of the initial cost). I really want to help but if I don't get this procedure done (and if it isn't done right) I could risk messing up my financial stability, which would really put a hamper on our home-owner plans. Cheers though. Hopefully it works the first time, since (apparently) with ulcerative colitis you sometimes need to do the procedure twice to get a lasting remission. Really hoping it doesn't come to that. :suicide:

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50978022]IIRC oral B12 supplements are really poorly absorbed. Unless you take it sublingually or get an infusion, you won't get enough from oral supplements. You can also look into CoQ10, as well as eating some 85% dark chocolate. Both provide energy for your mitochondrial cells which helps with fatigue. Dark chocolate also contains some caffeine which helps a little too. I end up eating a few blocks if I'm starting to feel too tired, it perks me right up. And as weird as it is to say it, if you're (potentially) fapping too much, cut back a little; you lose a lot of essential minerals each time which can take weeks to replenish if you're not eating healthily enough or take multivitamins.[/QUOTE] Perhaps my doctor would be willing to give me a B12 shot. Do shots 'instantly' replenish a vitamin deficiency? I looked into CoQ10 but I'm a little skeptical. You got any experience with it?

[QUOTE=PredGD;50978100]Perhaps my doctor would be willing to give me a B12 shot. Do shots 'instantly' replenish a vitamin deficiency? I looked into CoQ10 but I'm a little skeptical. You got any experience with it?[/QUOTE] I take CoQ10 every day, usually in the middle of the day to keep me going. It's not like caffeine, but if you take too much your heart starts beating weirdly, so I stick to the recommended dosage. It's not a very pronounced effect. In the beginning it feels potent but your body adjusts to it and you get this nice little energy boost. However, don't take it close to bed time or too late in the evening, you simply wont be able to sleep until it wears off. For B12, I think it should replenish your deficiency straight away, though effects will take time to kick in like kiwi said. But if you're not able to replenish it normally after the shot, you could need another one down the line. Which is why I take B12 sublingually daily. You can buy 1000 MCG nuggets online for cheap that you just stick under your tongue and dissolve quickly. If you're weary of CoQ10, you can just eat Dark Chocolate to help with energy, which is probably safer since everyone is eating it all the time. Just make sure it's 85% minimum, otherwise you won't get enough cocoa to make a difference. I take about 25g each time I need a small boost. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] If you're uncertain about any supplement, you can look it up on [URL]http://examine.com/[/URL] It has a lot of links to studies and it lays out effects and whether or not it's even effective at what it says it does.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50977996]I have ADD and suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming which has almost cost me my job a number of times. Listening to Alpha Wave Binaural Beats and drinking green tea (which boosts alpha waves) calms me down and helps me to focus on my work long enough to get it done. Ritalin also helped me focus in the past but it made me incredibly depressed so I don't know if that could help in your situation. On another note, my life has gotten a bit better lately. My colitis seems to be responding to probiotics, but right now I'm saving up money to get FMT done professionally which will hopefully put me into remission for the next 7 years. It'll cost me $3500 AUD though, which is pretty steep for my financial situation. However, my boss seems to have stopped hating me, or at least doesn't see me as unreliable anymore. He's upped my contract hours from 10 to 18 a week, which'll help me save for the procedure. The real test will be Christmas time. I'll be stuck working 30 hour weeks (most likely) and that'll put some real strain on my health. Hopefully I can pull through until I get the procedure done.[/QUOTE] I doubt anything will help me focus properly right now. I cant even paint or build my favorite hobby things for more than 10-20 minutes then I just stop. So so so many things left undone and unfinished its even difficult for me to do things like cleaning the dishes or throwing clothes in the washing machine and all the distraction and whatnot at work or or whenever just keeps making me think im a failure. Maybe I am one? Maybe im just a horrid lazy failure.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;50978230]I doubt anything will help me focus properly right now. I cant even paint or build my favorite hobby things for more than 10-20 minutes then I just stop. So so so many things left undone and unfinished its even difficult for me to do things like cleaning the dishes or throwing clothes in the washing machine and all the distraction and whatnot at work or or whenever just keeps making me think im a failure. Maybe I am one? Maybe im just a horrid lazy failure.[/QUOTE] It's hard to pull yourself out of depression. I still struggle with it but even with my ADD and Maladaptive Daydreaming I've made major strides in getting things done. Admittedly without listening to Alpha Waves I can't get anything done with my drawing, but thanks to it I've renewed my love of art, and I've made the most progress in years with it, thanks to it. At the very least go to your doctor and start on anti-depressants if you're not already. If you don't make the effort to help yourself now you'll just get into a constant loop of self-loathing.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50978346]It's hard to pull yourself out of depression. I still struggle with it but even with my ADD and Maladaptive Daydreaming I've made major strides in getting things done. Admittedly without listening to Alpha Waves I can't get anything done with my drawing, but thanks to it I've renewed my love of art, and I've made the most progress in years with it, thanks to it. At the very least go to your doctor and start on anti-depressants if you're not already. If you don't make the effort to help yourself now you'll just get into a constant loop of self-loathing.[/QUOTE] How would antideppresants help if I still cant finish or do anything? Also I don't have a doctor to really turn to I mean if im physically sick there is the family doctor but I dont think he covers mental stuff.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;50978154]I take CoQ10 every day, usually in the middle of the day to keep me going. It's not like caffeine, but if you take too much your heart starts beating weirdly, so I stick to the recommended dosage. It's not a very pronounced effect. In the beginning it feels potent but your body adjusts to it and you get this nice little energy boost. However, don't take it close to bed time or too late in the evening, you simply wont be able to sleep until it wears off. For B12, I think it should replenish your deficiency straight away, though effects will take time to kick in like kiwi said. But if you're not able to replenish it normally after the shot, you could need another one down the line. Which is why I take B12 sublingually daily. You can buy 1000 MCG nuggets online for cheap that you just stick under your tongue and dissolve quickly. If you're weary of CoQ10, you can just eat Dark Chocolate to help with energy, which is probably safer since everyone is eating it all the time. Just make sure it's 85% minimum, otherwise you won't get enough cocoa to make a difference. I take about 25g each time I need a small boost. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] If you're uncertain about any supplement, you can look it up on [URL]http://examine.com/[/URL] It has a lot of links to studies and it lays out effects and whether or not it's even effective at what it says it does.[/QUOTE] B12 for me has always kicked in fast, and leaves me feeling more energized. It helps clear away the morning brain fog from my ADHD faster, and makes me feel more focused in general. When it comes to supplements, just check for high bioavailability and generally don't buy from physical stores. Take magnesium for example - most stores sell magnesium oxide, which is really poorly absorbed by the body. Magnesium citrate is the one that is highly absorbed (although, note, most magnesium supplements can be laxative in high amounts lol). [QUOTE=DrugUnit;50978230]I doubt anything will help me focus properly right now. I cant even paint or build my favorite hobby things for more than 10-20 minutes then I just stop. So so so many things left undone and unfinished its even difficult for me to do things like cleaning the dishes or throwing clothes in the washing machine and all the distraction and whatnot at work or or whenever just keeps making me think im a failure. Maybe I am one? Maybe im just a horrid lazy failure.[/QUOTE] yo cut that self talk shit out. I did the same thing for a long time, when it came to my ADHD, because its basically what my father told me I was being. That's not true. If you have ADHD/ADD, then you are biochemically predisposed to be less productive than someone with a normal ol dopamine-rich brain. You can't control your brain entirely, and you aren't to blame for being distracted or unable to complete tasks. It is your responsibility to fix this issue though, however you end up fixing it. I would advise you seek a mental health professional. Depression can also cause ADHD-like symptoms, or ADHD-like symptoms can lead to depression as a secondary mental issue (this is what happened to me). Medication for my ADHD has been life-changing, from the trajectory of how my life is going in general to my day-to-day quality of life. My mind feels clearer, I can do stuff if I want to do it, and I don't feel my personality is negatively affected. Picture your mind as a racecar, if you will, trying to race with a bunch of other racecars. For whatever reason, your car doesn't have a clutch pedal. You've got a transmission, gas, brake, etc all the other things work just fine. But you can only putt about in 1st gear while everyone else gets to fly around shifting gears as needed. Someone outside of the car just assumes you're a bad driver/racer, choosing to stay in 1st gear and being lazy. But you aren't! You just can't shift gears, no matter how badly you want to. Medication for ADHD is that clutch pedal. It doesn't fix everything, it's not an autopilot or bottle of nitrous that lets you win the race, its a tool that lets you finally get in the bloody race. Has anyone had joint pain and ligament pain issues with lexapro/escitalopram? My wrists and knees are wicked sore right now, my knees have been especially sore since I walked my dog this morning and the rest of my joints feel sorta bad.

[QUOTE=paindoc;50978456]B12 for me has always kicked in fast, and leaves me feeling more energized. It helps clear away the morning brain fog from my ADHD faster, and makes me feel more focused in general. When it comes to supplements, just check for high bioavailability and generally don't buy from physical stores. Take magnesium for example - most stores sell magnesium oxide, which is really poorly absorbed by the body. Magnesium citrate is the one that is highly absorbed (although, note, most magnesium supplements can be laxative in high amounts lol).[/QUOTE] I used to take magnesium to alleviate my habit for teeth grinding, as well as my compulsion to double/triple check if doors were locked, since I have this horrible fear of people breaking into my house or my car and stealing everything. Unfortunately that made me incapable of daydreaming as effectively, which sounds weird but daydreaming is one of my few outlets to relax and escape from the stress of life, which is why I became deeply depressed directly after my encephalitis, because I couldn't daydream anymore. It's only in the past 6 months that I've been able to daydream like I used to again, thanks to a noot stack I've built and experimented with. It sounds really weird, and I've heard stories of people who suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming wishing they could be cured of it and live a normal life, but having lost the ability to daydream all the time made me realise how mundane and boring the real world is and how crap my life is without it. It's not that I want to escape the real world, but having that ability to pop in and out of fantasy whenever life is getting too tough really takes the edge off. Of course it helps to be able to hold down a job, which I'm lucky to be able to do with my issues, but you have no idea how close I've come to offing myself because I couldn't go into my fantasy worlds and have fun with my creativity. Sorry for the tangent, none of that was really targeted at you, just didn't want to split that post up. :v: [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=paindoc;50978456]Has anyone had joint pain and ligament pain issues with lexapro/escitalopram? My wrists and knees are wicked sore right now, my knees have been especially sore since I walked my dog this morning and the rest of my joints feel sorta bad.[/QUOTE] You could try supplementing MSM. Most people use it for arthritis pain but it helps me with my joints since I do a lot of heavy lifting and walking at work. It's also good for aches I get in my thumb that I fractured as a kid. If I don't take it my thumb just starts seizing up 20 minutes into drawing and I have to stop for the night.

[QUOTE=paindoc;50978456] yo cut that self talk shit out. I did the same thing for a long time, when it came to my ADHD, because its basically what my father told me I was being. That's not true. If you have ADHD/ADD, then you are biochemically predisposed to be less productive than someone with a normal ol dopamine-rich brain. You can't control your brain entirely, and you aren't to blame for being distracted or unable to complete tasks. It is your responsibility to fix this issue though, however you end up fixing it. I would advise you seek a mental health professional. Depression can also cause ADHD-like symptoms, or ADHD-like symptoms can lead to depression as a secondary mental issue (this is what happened to me). Medication for my ADHD has been life-changing, from the trajectory of how my life is going in general to my day-to-day quality of life. My mind feels clearer, I can do stuff if I want to do it, and I don't feel my personality is negatively affected. Picture your mind as a racecar, if you will, trying to race with a bunch of other racecars. For whatever reason, your car doesn't have a clutch pedal. You've got a transmission, gas, brake, etc all the other things work just fine. But you can only putt about in 1st gear while everyone else gets to fly around shifting gears as needed. Someone outside of the car just assumes you're a bad driver/racer, choosing to stay in 1st gear and being lazy. But you aren't! You just can't shift gears, no matter how badly you want to. Medication for ADHD is that clutch pedal. It doesn't fix everything, it's not an autopilot or bottle of nitrous that lets you win the race, its a tool that lets you finally get in the bloody race. [/QUOTE] This helped somewhat since i know how ADHD feels like. I had it when i was 2-14 years old too then it got less bad. Buw now for the past 2-3 years its back and worse than ever and the stress from work and losing some good friends probably does not help. And i would love to get help with ADHD but i don't even know where to start and who to talk to and so forth.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;50979128]This helped somewhat since i know how ADHD feels like. I had it when i was 2-14 years old too then it got less bad. Buw now for the past 2-3 years its back and worse than ever and the stress from work and losing some good friends probably does not help. And i would love to get help with ADHD but i don't even know where to start and who to talk to and so forth.[/QUOTE] You would need to see a psychologist or ARNP with prescribing authority, specializing in ADHD+anxiety it seems. Anxiety and the work environment can exacerbate and expose underlying untreated Adult ADHD, so that isn't surprising. A google search of local docs is your best bet, along with the psychology todays doctor finder maybe?

I seem to have grown so bitter as of recent. I don't know where it's coming from, I just reach that "enough" point so much faster than I used to. Maybe I'm more stressed. Either I'm stressed all the time to the point where stressed feels normal and I can't tell, or I am in fact not stressed. Feels like my mental health is a mess. I'm not really depressed, just really bitter, exhausted and fed up by peoples bullshit. If I were to take a wild guess then I would guess my exhaustion is the root of it all. I have zero tolerance for stuff since I just don't have the reserves to deal with it. Just seeing smug comments on the net, people acting so smart, ''sick zingers'' and so on just drains me.

[QUOTE=paindoc;50979286]You would need to see a psychologist or ARNP with prescribing authority, specializing in ADHD+anxiety it seems. Anxiety and the work environment can exacerbate and expose underlying untreated Adult ADHD, so that isn't surprising. A google search of local docs is your best bet, along with the psychology todays doctor finder maybe?[/QUOTE] I doubt they have doctors that specialize around here. And I doubt google will show Estonian doctors or something. Such is life in a tin can of a country i guess. Can't wait until i can get out of here if ever

In my 23 years of being alive, I've never experienced anything resembling love. I've never held hands with someone, hugged someone or kissed someone. I've never even heard someone say that they like me. I'm just an ugly piece of shit whose destined to be alone forever.

Finally went to a new PCP and she was awesome. She was technically the PA, but she still had the ability to talk to me about all my stuff going on and it was great. She didn't dismiss any of my concerns, gave me a bunch of resources, seems to be on board with the service dog track (asked me for some assistance/more information from my mental health counselor, but that's no problem), and is really nice and funny. She scheduled me for an ultrasound of my thyroid which I'm a little worried about (despite bloodwork coming back negative) but hopefully it's nothing. I go in for other bloodwork on Friday, too. Plus, my mental health counselor is back so I can actually go to the same one to get information about my anxiety disorder. I'm trying to stave off an illness right now but other than that, I'm feeling pretty good that everything's turning out really well. Here's hoping nothing unusual comes up on the ultrasound.

[QUOTE=Zombie Dude;50979529]In my 23 years of being alive, I've never experienced anything resembling love. I've never held hands with someone, hugged someone or kissed someone. I've never even heard someone say that they like me. I'm just an ugly piece of shit whose destined to be alone forever.[/QUOTE] There's always somebody if you'll just take the time to look.

[QUOTE=Zombie Dude;50979529]In my 23 years of being alive, I've never experienced anything resembling love. I've never held hands with someone, hugged someone or kissed someone. I've never even heard someone say that they like me. I'm just an ugly piece of shit whose destined to be alone forever.[/QUOTE] Right there with you, dude. The only relationship I've ever had was long distance and we never got to actually see eachother. I dunno if I'll ever personally find anyone, but I think if you put yourself out there and looked, you definitely could. Just keep plugging away. c:

While not easy, I think it's best to just refrain from thinking about love completely. Not become asexual, but just remove the focus of it. I haven't been in a relationship in 3, soon 4 years, and that's completely fine to me. It isn't fine if I start thinking about it however. So why should I think about something that makes me upset which has no solution either? I see this in my friends as well even though they're with new guys pretty much every second month. Sooo focused on being in a relationship that it overshadows pretty much everything else in their life. A relationship finds you, one doesn't find it. Trying to find one is just unnecessary stress and emotional pain if you ask me. Besides, are they really that important? My view is of course not everyones view, but as long as I'm happy with myself and my situation then fuck everyone else. They're not a necessity, just a bonus. The same goes for relationships.

Man i'm still stuck in that mental hell where i don't know if my anxiety is just "anxiety" or an anxiety caused by something else, namely neurological diseases.

I keep failing at school at so many things and I don't think I have a chance to get a good future now. I failed test 1 and the teacher gave us a chance to fix test 1 if we pass test 2 but I failed anyway. I'm the only guy that failed in my grade I think. I'm probably the dumbest guy at my grade right now and I can't seem to control anything. Now I have to redo test 1 tomorrow and I left my materials at school. I just fail at every simple thing, I'm probably the biggest fucking failure on earth now and these kinds of things don't come again and again until you get the best results.

So, a few days ago, on my birthday, I made a post on Facebook about how I'll be pursuing a service dog to help me with my disability. I was pretty proud of that post, because I actually had the courage to come out and tell people with the pain I've been dealing with for years. I was pretty succinct about it too. Told everyone right then and there that I deal with chronic pain and anxiety, and that a service dog can help mitigate that and make me happier. Fast forward to today where my mother comes into my room and says "What'd you post on Facebook about a dog?" Now, she doesn't have FB anymore. And she KNOWS that I'm going after an SD. So that told me that someone - probably at the church we go to (me, only out of obligation because I get paid to help with their kids area) - went AROUND me and told my parents about it. Like my parents didn't already know. My dad didn't, but that was because I figured my mom would tell him. Which apparently didn't happen. But my dad was the one who was approached about it and the assumption was made that I must be "missing her side or a limb". Which already pissed me off and upset me to begin with because this isn't the first time a rumor about me has spread in this church. About three years ago, it was because people thought I was a lesbian ? ?? And maybe even more recently, it was about a bout of anxiety I had late at night and was looking for people to talk to to help alleviate it. And apparently that was a HUGE DEAL. So today I kind of just snapped because it's so fucking ridiculous that people don't bother coming to [B]me[/B] to ask for more information. They go to my parents. And it's stupid because it's ALWAYS these nosy ass old people who have no business being on Facebook to begin with (or on my Facebook and most of the time I don't even remember having them on there) who think that just because I still live with my parents that my parents are the ones they have to ask about my business. Anyway my mom kept pressing that this was a thing to be kept "in the family" which just made me feel like she was trying to get me to go back to hiding my pain and anxiety and depression which literally just pushed me over the edge. All while I was trying to study for this dumb quiz I have later today (which I'm probably going to fail because I can't even concentrate now) and while I was trying to eat and while I'm trying to fight off this illness that doesn't need any more aggravation than it already has. I didn't feel much better when she apologized. But I went through and deleted every fucking old person on my Facebook. I don't really care who started blabbing about it. I don't need nosy seniors on my FB anyway. Fuck them. Made a post in case there was anyone else wondering that if they had questions, they should really come to me personally. Anyway. I'm upset. Feeling ostracized. Not really wanting to go back to that church. $200 a month doesn't seem worth it when I'm being consistently judged for wanting to do something that could very well change my quality of life. I'm so fucking tired.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50984234]So, a few days ago, on my birthday, I made a post on Facebook about how I'll be pursuing a service dog to help me with my disability. I was pretty proud of that post, because I actually had the courage to come out and tell people with the pain I've been dealing with for years. I was pretty succinct about it too. Told everyone right then and there that I deal with chronic pain and anxiety, and that a service dog can help mitigate that and make me happier. Fast forward to today where my mother comes into my room and says "What'd you post on Facebook about a dog?" Now, she doesn't have FB anymore. And she KNOWS that I'm going after an SD. So that told me that someone - probably at the church we go to (me, only out of obligation because I get paid to help with their kids area) - went AROUND me and told my parents about it. Like my parents didn't already know. My dad didn't, but that was because I figured my mom would tell him. Which apparently didn't happen. But my dad was the one who was approached about it and the assumption was made that I must be "missing her side or a limb". Which already pissed me off and upset me to begin with because this isn't the first time a rumor about me has spread in this church. About three years ago, it was because people thought I was a lesbian ? ?? And maybe even more recently, it was about a bout of anxiety I had late at night and was looking for people to talk to to help alleviate it. And apparently that was a HUGE DEAL. So today I kind of just snapped because it's so fucking ridiculous that people don't bother coming to [B]me[/B] to ask for more information. They go to my parents. And it's stupid because it's ALWAYS these nosy ass old people who have no business being on Facebook to begin with (or on my Facebook and most of the time I don't even remember having them on there) who think that just because I still live with my parents that my parents are the ones they have to ask about my business. Anyway my mom kept pressing that this was a thing to be kept "in the family" which just made me feel like she was trying to get me to go back to hiding my pain and anxiety and depression which literally just pushed me over the edge. All while I was trying to study for this dumb quiz I have later today (which I'm probably going to fail because I can't even concentrate now) and while I was trying to eat and while I'm trying to fight off this illness that doesn't need any more aggravation than it already has. I didn't feel much better when she apologized. But I went through and deleted every fucking old person on my Facebook. I don't really care who started blabbing about it. I don't need nosy seniors on my FB anyway. Fuck them. Made a post in case there was anyone else wondering that if they had questions, they should really come to me personally. Anyway. I'm upset. Feeling ostracized. Not really wanting to go back to that church. $200 a month doesn't seem worth it when I'm being consistently judged for wanting to do something that could very well change my quality of life. I'm so fucking tired.[/QUOTE] Sorry, i'm not religious and i live in another country. (Also i dont want to come off as an asshole i'm genuinely curious) Why do you pay to go to church? I cant spare £200 a month on anything let alone going to a church.

She gets paid for working there. She doesn't pay 200 bucks to go Church dude :v