Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=kariko;52086885]Well my therapist didn't have an open slot until next week but Im still gonna try to go. Unfortunately the positive feelings really do get the better of me and when I feel good I think I don't need to go so I cancel it. But I'm going to stick with it because I really am unhappy inside. Still curious if others have experienced this feeling that I wrote in the quoted post though? It seems wrong and paradoxical to me.[/QUOTE] I've had days like that. I do feel like I have it better than most around me, but I'm still rather unhappy at times. I'm not tearing my hair out over money, especially with only a 3 months left on my car payment. Though I am rather lonely. I just kinda feel 'bleh' outside of some happy moments. Not bad, just bleh. The silver lining in it all I guess is that it isn't getting any worse.

I'm thinking of starting GED classes again next to this building that offers it right by my therapy place. The problem is I have no motivation or desire to get it all. I mean I'd like to have it just so I can say I have some sort of diploma and that would satisfy others. That's pretty much the only reason I want it so I won't keep disappointing others. I told this girl I like I'm going to look into it since she's starting college and I feel kinda like a loser for not having a GED or any diploma. I'm 23 years old and I feel like I've put that on hold for so long now. I don't know how to get motivated to study and shit though

I get really anxious whenever I want to talk to this girl, so I end up not doing it. This has been going on for a few [I]months[/I] and it's stressing me out :s:

[QUOTE=kariko;52086885]Well my therapist didn't have an open slot until next week but Im still gonna try to go. Unfortunately the positive feelings really do get the better of me and when I feel good I think I don't need to go so I cancel it. But I'm going to stick with it because I really am unhappy inside. Still curious if others have experienced this feeling that I wrote in the quoted post though? It seems wrong and paradoxical to me.[/QUOTE] The motto "some days are better than others" really rings true, at least from my experience, when it comes to depression. Some days, you're totally okay, maybe you'll sing and and smile at other people. Maybe you feel right on track. Other days, you'll find yourself holding back tears in a 24/7 gas station because you don't want to go home and sit in the dark by yourself consumed in your thoughts. Sometimes it's really hard to self evaluate, and even when things are good and you are good, therapy is still worth going to. Good days don't end your hurt. Bad days can prolong your unhappiness.

Bloody headaches every single day. Tourettes sucks so much, but at least it's not as bad as when I was a kid, when I had to bash my head in to fall unconsciousnes since sleep wasn't an option

My mom had a complete freakout just now. First one of my uncles recently dying with no one there for him, and now my family is starting to completely fall apart.

I don't think I'm going to have a therapy session again this week. I missed last week and never made a new appointment yet and she hasn't called me either.

Is it uncouth to schedule an appointment with a therapist just so I can sleep in the chair for an hour because man I really need it. Having to be a second parent to a kid that isn't even yours is fucking exhausting.

I thought I was pulling myself together again. I thought I was going to make an actual change for once. Now I'm going to be losing the person I care most about. I don't want to keep trying anymore. I thought I'd get better but I've given up. I don't have the strength to keep trying. I'm so lost and scared and I don't know what to do now. I don't want to be alone.

Can't sleep again. This time it's me thinking about stupid shit in highschool. Highschool fucked me up as a kid because of how vicious some of the people were after they hit puberty. Years 6-11 fucked me up but for some strange reason I was [I]incredibly[/I] likeable during the 12th year. I became an emotional punching bag during those awful years and became used to it. I wouldn't fight back, most people probably thought it was in good fun. Some nights I wish I actually grew a pair of balls and punched some of them. I could've easily taken them and I could've easily gotten away with it but I was incredibly paranoid about my asshole of a dad because "tall, mature kid punching some slightly shorter immature kid WITH A ROUGH LIFE (even though they're the same age!)" doesn't look good. Oh, yes that above paragraph can be summarized as "21 year old man wishes he punched 16 year old kids back in highschool" After highschool I developed a new mindset. Act like an adult, stand up for yourself, call people out on their bullshit, but the only bullshit I've ever put up with is online (people are nice in reality) WHICH NEVER WORKED OUT because it implies that all people online function like adults. Didn't help that I hung out with human garbage because I [I]thought[/I] I was human garbage. I know that I'm not human garbage because I know how to deal with interpersonal problems; problems not relating to my internal conflicts. If there is a problem that can reasonably be fixed, fix that problem reasonably. Someone's acting like a dick? Have a discussion with them. Someone's being insensitive? Have a discussion with them. Human garbage's solution to a solvable problem is to ignore it and hope it goes away, or hope that they eventually forget about it.

I had that feeling disconnected from reality today. I felt really out of it and had trouble with my thoughts and I felt kinda like I was in a dream. Nothing felt real but it wasn't really a bad feeling

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52091063]The motto "some days are better than others" really rings true, at least from my experience, when it comes to depression. Some days, you're totally okay, maybe you'll sing and and smile at other people. Maybe you feel right on track. Other days, you'll find yourself holding back tears in a 24/7 gas station because you don't want to go home and sit in the dark by yourself consumed in your thoughts. Sometimes it's really hard to self evaluate, and even when things are good and you are good, therapy is still worth going to. Good days don't end your hurt. Bad days can prolong your unhappiness.[/QUOTE] The strange part is that I feel both happy but also sad deep down at the same time. If I'm talking with my friends or playing games I feel okay but once I start thinking about my life I can feel the sadness coming on. It kinda feels like the happiness is fake which makes me feel worse about myself in general, like I'm not really feeling good and I'm just pretending. It feels real though...It's so confusing. :disappoint: I wish I was normal...

[QUOTE=kariko;52096473]The strange part is that I feel both happy but also sad deep down at the same time. If I'm talking with my friends or playing games I feel okay but once I start thinking about my life I can feel the sadness coming on. It kinda feels like the happiness is fake which makes me feel worse about myself in general, like I'm not really feeling good and I'm just pretending. It feels real though...It's so confusing. :disappoint: I wish I was normal...[/QUOTE] It doesn't necessarily mean you're faking anything, but it does mean humans in general are multifaceted and complex beings. We can feel multiple emotions, happy about some things but incredibly upset about other things at a snap. I'm sorry, I totally relate and it is confusing, but know that you're not alone and it is normal. You're doing the best you can and that's awesome. Anybody that tries their best is awesome.

[QUOTE=gustavholst;52096612]It doesn't necessarily mean you're faking anything, but it does mean humans in general are multifaceted and complex beings. We can feel multiple emotions, happy about some things but incredibly upset about other things at a snap. I'm sorry, I totally relate and it is confusing, but know that you're not alone and it is normal. You're doing the best you can and that's awesome. Anybody that tries their best is awesome.[/QUOTE] Thanks for your words, friend.

Today is one of those days I just want to sleep all day but I got stuff to do

Panic attacks are so damn awful. The day is going fine until bam, I panic and then the rest of the day feels strange

I'm not doing so well. Ended up leaving a letter with my therapist like I recommended to Blazyd some time back. Hopefully it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52094740]I had that feeling disconnected from reality today. I felt really out of it and had trouble with my thoughts and I felt kinda like I was in a dream. Nothing felt real but it wasn't really a bad feeling[/QUOTE] Get this alot when I'm in a high anxiety period [editline]14th April 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=jp_rsardeto;52098646]Panic attacks are so damn awful. The day is going fine until bam, I panic and then the rest of the day feels strange[/QUOTE] I know the feeling. It hits and you start to worry more about how your going to get through the rest of the day intact

I'm probably going to quit smoking so I have more money. I don't have a job I only get money from social security every 2 weeks so it goes fast

I asked my boyfriend if there's anything I can do better in our relationship and he's been typing for like ten minutes straight haha oh boy I love death and also dying [editline]13th April 2017[/editline] Turns out he was kinda upset because when we were walking downtown the other day, I let go of his hand and he correlated it with a "hot" guy that was walking by with his dog who gave me a "look" that I was wholly unaware of Because I let go of my boyfriend's hand Because I wanted to pet the dog. But I wasn't sure if I should cuz it was a strange dog so I changed my mind and kept walking. But he thought it was because I was attracted to the guy........... I feel bad but I laughed really fucking hard.

I've been branching out a lot lately, surprisngly, and doing well I think in general. I am still hurting a lot though, as much as I wish I could just pick myself up and move along it's been pretty hard. Really hard. I feel like my forgiveness has been thrown back into my face.

I wanna quit my anti-depressants but I hate how I feel when I don't take them. I'll only have to stand it for a week or two and I should be back to normal but still. [editline]14th April 2017[/editline] I regret ever being on anti-depressants, they've never done anything for me, or atleast I don't think they have, ofcourse I can't say for sure since I've been on and off them for most of my teenage and adult life.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;52103921]I wanna quit my anti-depressants but I hate how I feel when I don't take them. I'll only have to stand it for a week or two and I should be back to normal but still. [editline]14th April 2017[/editline] I regret ever being on anti-depressants, they've never done anything for me, or atleast I don't think they have, ofcourse I can't say for sure since I've been on and off them for most of my teenage and adult life.[/QUOTE] The problem with mental health medications is that despite having a fair few of them they dont seem to work as expected in all situations and for all patients. Thus the issue of mixing and matching and hopefully keeping the symptoms under control. Sometimes even a misdiagnosis or misinterpretation of a single aspect of a patient's case can lead to the administration of the wrong sort of medicine, which can have either no effect or have unpleasant side effects. As for whether they actually did something, it's not easy to measure. It's easier to identify patients in which x combination has done something useful, rather than a multitude of patients in which x didnt work quite so well as intended. It's also not too easy to get a large number of patients with similar results for the same combination of medicines, to make a clinical trial with them to see WHY a combination didnt work as expected. Doesnt help with the stigma against mental healthcare either, though that's slowly, but painfully, going down with the times. Mental healthcare in that line is still a lot like voodoo, but several new medications have come out recently that might be better if psychiatrists prescribed them more.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;52103921]I wanna quit my anti-depressants but I hate how I feel when I don't take them. I'll only have to stand it for a week or two and I should be back to normal but still. [editline]14th April 2017[/editline] I regret ever being on anti-depressants, they've never done anything for me, or atleast I don't think they have, ofcourse I can't say for sure since I've been on and off them for most of my teenage and adult life.[/QUOTE] I hate having to take medication. I feel suicidal and I have thoughts of hurting myself when I don't take them though. I went a period without any medication and that was the worst I ever felt in my life. It sucks but I think I'm going to need to stay on medication for the rest of my life. Anti depressants work differently for everyone and it could take awhile to find the right one. I'm thinking of starting an anti depressant again along with the rexulti

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52104430]I hate having to take medication. I feel suicidal and I have thoughts of hurting myself when I don't take them though. I went a period without any medication and that was the worst I ever felt in my life. It sucks but I think I'm going to need to stay on medication for the rest of my life. Anti depressants work differently for everyone and it could take awhile to find the right one. I'm thinking of starting an anti depressant again along with the rexulti[/QUOTE] Rexulti? I thought you were on seroquel. Or are you saying you're [I]going[/I] to take rexulti? But either way I understand not wanting to take meds. I hate taking them too, but at the same time, being honest with myself, I don't think I would do so well without them. It's important to take a step back and figure out how they effect you, and if it's effecting you in a good or bad way. Compare yourself sober to yourself on medication and then you make the call.

[QUOTE=Blazyd;52105506]Rexulti? I thought you were on seroquel. Or are you saying you're [I]going[/I] to take rexulti? But either way I understand not wanting to take meds. I hate taking them too, but at the same time, being honest with myself, I don't think I would do so well without them. It's important to take a step back and figure out how they effect you, and if it's effecting you in a good or bad way. Compare yourself sober to yourself on medication and then you make the call.[/QUOTE] I'm currently taking rexulti. I stopped taking the seroquel because I noticed after about 2 weeks of taking it my depression came back and I had thoughts of suicide and self harm. Idk what happened but I was fine at first on seroquel then all those thoughts came back

Around this time a week ago, my ex had told me a lot of things I didn't know about our relationship like she was talking to the dude she cheated on me for (without me knowing like the idiot I am ofc...) and that she's just a shit person. She got back with the same guy and then the day I knew, we got into a huge argument and she blocked me so I couldn't talk to her but I could still go on her profile and stuff. It was her birthday on Tuesday and I apologised because I was an idiot and she was okay with me too so she unblocked my messages and everything was okay again. Nothing else has really happened with my ex but I've just found myself being real depressed at times and at other times, finding myself catching feelings so easily for different girls I've been in contact with, and admitting to a few of them that I liked them in "that way" with the result of them not really liking me in return in "that way" pretty much. I only really realised myself not long ago and it's obvious I still feel rough as fuck over it. The same thing happened when my old crush blocked me on everything about 6 months ago now. When that happened, I was searching for girls to hit up but then I found myself hitting up my stupid abusive ex that left me for my best friend out of pot luck... I honestly don't want to go through the same things again over this ex from overseas, and I've already found myself talking to girls and hitting them up, etc, but I just can't risk it anymore. I do game a lot to try and distract myself but it doesn't help as much as it used to. I try to talk and hang out with friends as much as I can but the joy from that washes off so quickly. Lastly, smoking helps get things off my mind but I only do it occasionally, usually with my friends, and really I don't want to start relying on it to keep me happy because I don't want to get to that stage unlike some of my family members. Is there anything else you guys do to help get over a girl or boyfriend or someone you liked, etc? I just don't want to find myself being the same fool I once was again but worse and thinking about it just makes me feel so much worse sometimes...

So after after my GF broke up with me yesterday and I lost a good group of friends wich was all my fault I tought I could handle it. And now when I woke up this morning the feeling of being alone and on my own again and it all being my own god damn fault again makes me want to just end this all for real. Everything is fucked and it's my own fault like every other problem in my life.

I wish I knew exactly what happened to me and why I am this way. I can't change who I am my mental illness is so severe it's disabled every aspect of my life. It never used to be this bad but I know most of it is because of my ex girlfriend. I can't explain why I can't function like a normal person. Even with medication I still have problems. I have to live a life being this way and it's not fair at all. I tried to better myself but I think I really am hopeless.

This derealization and depersonlisation thing is getting even worse, it just feels like it won't get any better now that I've had it for several years. It's even worse because I'll have my final exams in a few days to graduate from high school and get a certification for university, but my ability to concentrate is basically gone. I can barely focus on anything anymore or keep a thought going for more than a few seconds. It feels like I became stupid thanks to this whole situation, even though I used to have no problems in school or at focusing in general at all. I'm so scared of my final exams and I'm so scared that my mental condition will never get better, it's been getting worse for some time now. Sometimes I have these weird moments, where everything, the world and my body, the perception of everthing, is like it used to be and everything feels fine, but it's only for a few seconds every time and only every few months. It just feels like a huge "fuck you", it's as if life wants to show me how it would be if I had a healthy mind, only to take it away from me again. I want to die, but I don't want to hurt the people around me, especially not my father. It just feels like I'm so detached from everything. I remember when I saw a guy getting run over by a car right in front of me. He tried to call his daughter while lying on the ground, but he went unconscious and I think he died eventually even though an amublance arrived. I stood there and felt nearly nothing, it wasn't shock or anything, I knew that I should be at least a tiny bit affected, but I wasn't. To my father I was like "Oh shit" because I knew that's how I was supposed to act but in my mind I was like "well that kinda sucks, I'm sorry for that guy I guess".