Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52138707]Why does my mood change so much I'll never know[/QUOTE] Probably chemical imbalance like most of us [editline]23rd April 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Crpto2007;52127969]I had a really bad panic attack just now and smoked like 4 cigarettes in a row to try and calm down. How the hell do you cope with these panic attacks when you legitimately think you are going to die[/QUOTE] Happend to me twice, when i was alone, calling someone was a huge relief, once it was just before i was probably going blackout, my vision was slowly dissapearing, then vision came back as soon i started talking.

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[QUOTE=Crpto2007;52140662]I don't really want to talk about it but it's over a mistake I made over the course of 2 years. I stopped doing it but I've been in panic mode about it. It wasn't the drinking it's something worse I've been doing that's really damaging to your health[/QUOTE] Drugs? Ok, you don't want to talk about it but I want you to know that you don't have to feel ashamed of anything you've done to ease your pain [sp]If it is drugs you are not alone[/sp]

I wrote a poem about schizophrenic hallucinations/delusions of a girl if anyone wants to read. I tried to show how that even though ones mind may be under so much distress from the illness, there can be some comfort in it. There's a quote I read somewhere that said "schizophrenia is like looking at the sun. It's beautiful, but it makes you blind." anyways, here's what I wrote [QUOTE]Have you seen her? A girl with dark hair keeps appearing in my world Her shape sometimes defined, but mostly just a blur When I listen close, I can hear her whisper What could she possibly mean? These consequences of her existence…so unforeseen They all say “it’s your mind playing tricks on you” But only her faint voice will I listen to I first saw her years ago in a dream But now invades all my thought streams Barged into my life without wiping her feet first She then became the cause of all my outbursts When she invades my mind, I can’t even think Sitting in class, staring and forgetting to blink The teacher calls on me to answer, but I couldn’t focus Did I take my medication? Did I miss any doses? However, she isn’t all that bad In fact, she’s sort of like my comrade Always watching, perhaps even looking out for me? I know she’s real, but the doctors disagree The pills can’t kill her. In fact, I want her to stay In a world so full of uncertainties, I can trust her to never slip away[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Blazyd;52141480]I wrote a poem about schizophrenic hallucinations/delusions of a girl if anyone wants to read. I tried to show how that even though ones mind may be under so much distress from the illness, there can be some comfort in it. There's a quote I read somewhere that said "schizophrenia is like looking at the sun. It's beautiful, but it makes you blind." anyways, here's what I wrote[/QUOTE] That's really good. Sometimes I write songs about my psychological issues and it makes me feel a lot better but I never share with anyone. Thanks for sharing!

i legit am at my wits end end i would explain but it i would probably hit the text limit tldr; vying for acceptance for once in my life, not even my family members fully accept me i am in debt to my grandmother, the irs (soon) and a student loan company that i'll have to start paying back sooner or later nobody has never in my life(in person, not on the internet etc), took the time to hear what i have to say (called a suicide hotline once, even they laughed at me) in cali atm and if i cant find a way to earn enough money to stay (i have until around possibly late may, early june) then i'm just going to end it all before i get flown back to florida (if i go back to florida i have to stay with my father and stepmother, both of which I know don't care for me much) it'd be like going back to square one, i was desperate to leave florida after high school just get a job they say, but goddamit ive never lived in my entire life, i dont want to be a wage slave for long, i fucking almost damn near killed myself working at mcdonalds and amazon, the anxiety i suffer from isnt getting any better but my parents want to make excuses like since i dont have to pay certain bills etc im fine yeah i wish it were so simple i even posted a long paragraph or two on numerous craigslist cities in ca stating that i would do practically anything. i've submitted my full info to numerous cults/orgs all over the usa, nothing yet. maybe its due to my apperance, i shit you not i had someone at my first contract job say (what, are you at home building bombs or something) due to how i looked though on the flip side once he learned who i was and how i acted out in public or atleast with other people, his complete view on me changed and we were cool. i dont eat or fucking sleep either and im sick of it man. i just want to go to the middle of the us and disappear from all my friends and family, i just want to be hooked up to a fucking feeding tube and toilet and just persist atleast fuck i will do anything at this point to make money. i swear im not charismatic im not some super happy go lucky guy im not into much of anything im a fucking zombie at this point man. i cant fucking fake it anymore either for real, all i do is smoke and drink all day whenever I can. i try trust me i try, i've gone to so many job sites and have tried so many things, nothing seems to stick but again, i will see out my life turns out in a few weeks from now, and i will change whatever i possibly can

Went for my first jog this year yesterday and dang exercise is good. Helped ease the anxiety and odd effects from getting off my antidepressants.

I'm trying to get into a habit of exercising three times a week, jogging 2 days and swimming at one point on weekends. Only a week into it but it really does help me with my anxiety. Also medication but yeah exercise helps too :v

Exercise beats medication in almost any situation really.

My Ritalin makes my heartbeat fast 2 hours in and it makes my whole chest feel terrible and it feels like anxiety, stress and heartbreak (and worse when I am actually stressing out or having anxiety when it happens). The Ritalin doesn't really affect me much anyway and I don't feel jolted up, even when I do it's just luck or placebo and I don't know if I should still take it.

What's the point in life if your goals are world peace and end of hunger? I know it's kinda utopic but it feels like it's the only things I truly want, but will never achieve. It all seems so pointless.

[QUOTE=Torekk;52144175]What's the point in life if your goals are world peace and end of hunger? I know it's kinda utopic but it feels like it's the only things I truly want, but will never achieve. It all seems so pointless.[/QUOTE] Start small scale, help your local community. Help bring peace to people one at a time, help feed one hungry person at a time. You may not be able to change the entire world but you can at least change one persons life at a time. That is worth it.

I believe I'm about to fail my first ever class by the end of this week. For some reason, I can't get my head around the course work. Most recently, I had to miss my last class because of an emergency and it was apparently an incredibly important class. Fuck. I don't blame anybody other than myself. Just really disappointed with myself and how I've been acting.

[QUOTE=Torekk;52144175]What's the point in life if your goals are world peace and end of hunger? I know it's kinda utopic but it feels like it's the only things I truly want, but will never achieve. It all seems so pointless.[/QUOTE] I don't mean this in a demeaning way but those aren't really life goals, they're more... Desires or passions. I wish more people cared about it, and I hope you manage to fulfill these desires, but you need to find happiness along the way.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52144102]My Ritalin makes my heartbeat fast 2 hours in and it makes my whole chest feel terrible and it feels like anxiety, stress and heartbreak (and worse when I am actually stressing out or having anxiety when it happens). The Ritalin doesn't really affect me much anyway and I don't feel jolted up, even when I do it's just luck or placebo and I don't know if I should still take it.[/QUOTE] Worth getting a blood pressure check, since hypertension can cause that + will be worsened by Ritalin.

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I am starting to feel a little strange, I dunno if its just me getting used to my meds or what, but whenever I get anxious thoughts, I don't seem to dwell on them much. Kinda the point I guess but it just feels odd, kind of artificial in a way. Suppose I'm getting better but when I sit around and get too bored I get that weird feeling and its a little unsettling. Might just be anxiety about my anti-anxiety meds though, too. :v

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This is going to be a long post. There is this girl who I thought was my friend, but then realized she wasn't. For the month we knew each other I thought she was great if not a bit weird. I asked her one night while we were walking through her town in the middle of the night if she was interested in a relationship. She turned me down but admitted she could see it happening. I understood and nodded my head. The biggest quirk about her is that she is very sexually open. She has sex with a lot of people. Another friend whom I just met joined me and her for a study group. Eventually I left because I was tired and she and him got in their cars and left too. (If any of you want to bother you can scroll back in my post history about that whole "I love you." post i made earlier in this thread. Thanks if you do...) Then one night she texts me and says how she and him hooked up after I had left that night and how she wasn't being a very good friend and apologized and made it clear that she was sending mixed signals and how she wasn't interested in me romantically or sexually. Alright fine. Sure. I'll admit I was a really fucking jealous but sure I'll suck it in. She's her own person and she can do that. Of course this just made my anxiety and depression worse but I was able to bounce back from it for a bit. Then...it just wasn't the same. hanging out with her wasn't fun anymore. All her weird quirks about her also just...got uncomfortable. She would talk to me about other guys she has banged the day before or some hook up on tinder. And I just played along with it and nodded my head. I wasn't going to let those stories affect me because we're friend right? I can't list all of them but eventually she just started doing things that weirded me or annoyed me. But over time I noticed she was only hanging out with me when it was convenient for her. She never was available during the weekend or anytime after school. It got to the point where we promised each other we would hang out during a school break (and I realized I was doing this more for my own sake trying to prove to myself that we're still good FRIENDS!!!!). Then one night she texted me saying we would meet up at 11pm after her friend got out of work. Then nothing. I called at 11. No answer. 1130? No answer. She and her friend were...I guess sex buddies and would hang out and bang guys together. And then it clicked. I realized that if she wasn't even going to follow up after saying that she'd hang out with me then she was just a bitch. I was wasting my time with her. She didn't take me seriously even as a friend. So I told her to never talk to me again. And it felt good...but there's always a catch. My depression is bad now today. So bad. It's been over a week since this happen and now I can't focus in school. I'm so torn up about it and it gives me anxiety. I couldn't study for a test I had on Wed and got a 74 when a B- is passing because I'm trying to get into a medical program. My first class I just sat down and stared at my desk idly listening to my professor speak. I kinda gleamed what she was saying and just nodded my head. Then during my second class which I share with the girl I told to fuck off and the guy she banged I dreaded her walking in. When she did we locked eyes and she chose a desk far away from mine (which I am glad she did) but it's just so weird having to adjust to that. I briefly was able to smile during class and take solace in the fact that I don't have to deal with her bullshit anymore. When I was walking out of class another friend of mine who was part of the study group but not affiliated with any of the drama asked me if things are okay I gave her a vague but truthful answer. "I'm depressed right now, I don't want to associate with those two anymore, but I'm willing to study with you." She said she was available to listen if I ever needed and I thanked her. (But secretly I felt like shit because she doesn't owe me anything nor do I want to bear my emotional baggage on her because no one deserves that). Then during a wait in the doctor's office to get lasers shot into my eye to stop my glaucoma from progressing I realized my shitty college didn't properly do some paper work correctly and I was only registered part-time for a med program that requires full time so I'm freaking out in my doctor's office before he's about to shoot things beams of light into my eye socket about a class I wasn't registered for because my college is incompetent. But it's kind of my fault because they fucked up like this before and I should of just got it done in person but I was stupid enough to think they'd get it right this time. So I send an email to my adviser to approve class I had to pick with only 3 slots open that's highly competitive for places. As I send it I'm called in and the procedure happens. It wasn't as fun this time. Then I walk int two hours late to lab where we dissect a pig. Everyone pretty much leaves at this point because they're done but the instructor set aside a pig for me to cut up. So I sit down for 50 minutes and just...cut open a tiny dead baby pig. All the stress I had today just went into it. I skinned it, poked it's organs, and documented everything. I broke it's jaw open and followed the bulge of the little point thingy as it went down it's trachea. I examined the intestines and noted the muscles. For the first time this day I was alright. I took comfort and solace eviscerating the corpse a pig's fetus. It was the best thing ever. I got home shortly after and laid in bed for an hour. A lot of my negative thoughts came back and I was telling myself to get up and do something. Don't lay in bed anymore. I have things to do. It took a long time but I finally did something. I studied lightly. Played guitar. My adviser managed read my email in time to. So I got into that class. I also apologized to my other friend for admitting I was depressed to her. She said it's fine but she doesn't need to hear things like that. But I guess part of my feels like it's appropriate to spill my guts to you guys on a forum where I'm semi-anonymous. Weird, innit? tl;dr i just want things to be okay. edit: just as a note. i don't hate that girl. i hope she's happy doing what she does. but i just don't want to be a part of it.

[QUOTE=JDER14;52147020]This is going to be a long post. There is this girl who I thought was my friend, but then realized she wasn't. For the month we knew each other I thought she was great if not a bit weird. I asked her one night while we were walking through her town in the middle of the night if she was interested in a relationship. She turned me down but admitted she could see it happening. I understood and nodded my head. The biggest quirk about her is that she is very sexually open. She has sex with a lot of people. Another friend whom I just met joined me and her for a study group. Eventually I left because I was tired and she and him got in their cars and left too. (If any of you want to bother you can scroll back in my post history about that whole "I love you." post i made earlier in this thread. Thanks if you do...) Then one night she texts me and says how she and him hooked up after I had left that night and how she wasn't being a very good friend and apologized and made it clear that she was sending mixed signals and how she wasn't interested in me romantically or sexually. Alright fine. Sure. I'll admit I was a really fucking jealous but sure I'll suck it in. She's her own person and she can do that. Of course this just made my anxiety and depression worse but I was able to bounce back from it for a bit. Then...it just wasn't the same. hanging out with her wasn't fun anymore. All her weird quirks about her also just...got uncomfortable. She would talk to me about other guys she has banged the day before or some hook up on tinder. And I just played along with it and nodded my head. I wasn't going to let those stories affect me because we're friend right? I can't list all of them but eventually she just started doing things that weirded me or annoyed me. But over time I noticed she was only hanging out with me when it was convenient for her. She never was available during the weekend or anytime after school. It got to the point where we promised each other we would hang out during a school break (and I realized I was doing this more for my own sake trying to prove to myself that we're still good FRIENDS!!!!). Then one night she texted me saying we would meet up at 11pm after her friend got out of work. Then nothing. I called at 11. No answer. 1130? No answer. She and her friend were...I guess sex buddies and would hang out and bang guys together. And then it clicked. I realized that if she wasn't even going to follow up after saying that she'd hang out with me then she was just a bitch. I was wasting my time with her. She didn't take me seriously even as a friend. So I told her to never talk to me again. And it felt good...but there's always a catch. My depression is bad now today. So bad. It's been over a week since this happen and now I can't focus in school. I'm so torn up about it and it gives me anxiety. I couldn't study for a test I had on Wed and got a 74 when a B- is passing because I'm trying to get into a medical program. My first class I just sat down and stared at my desk idly listening to my professor speak. I kinda gleamed what she was saying and just nodded my head. Then during my second class which I share with the girl I told to fuck off and the guy she banged I dreaded her walking in. When she did we locked eyes and she chose a desk far away from mine (which I am glad she did) but it's just so weird having to adjust to that. I briefly was able to smile during class and take solace in the fact that I don't have to deal with her bullshit anymore. When I was walking out of class another friend of mine who was part of the study group but not affiliated with any of the drama asked me if things are okay I gave her a vague but truthful answer. "I'm depressed right now, I don't want to associate with those two anymore, but I'm willing to study with you." She said she was available to listen if I ever needed and I thanked her. (But secretly I felt like shit because she doesn't owe me anything nor do I want to bear my emotional baggage on her because no one deserves that). Then during a wait in the doctor's office to get lasers shot into my eye to stop my glaucoma from progressing I realized my shitty college didn't properly do some paper work correctly and I was only registered part-time for a med program that requires full time so I'm freaking out in my doctor's office before he's about to shoot things beams of light into my eye socket about a class I wasn't registered for because my college is incompetent. But it's kind of my fault because they fucked up like this before and I should of just got it done in person but I was stupid enough to think they'd get it right this time. So I send an email to my adviser to approve class I had to pick with only 3 slots open that's highly competitive for places. As I send it I'm called in and the procedure happens. It wasn't as fun this time. Then I walk int two hours late to lab where we dissect a pig. Everyone pretty much leaves at this point because they're done but the instructor set aside a pig for me to cut up. So I sit down for 50 minutes and just...cut open a tiny dead baby pig. All the stress I had today just went into it. I skinned it, poked it's organs, and documented everything. I broke it's jaw open and followed the bulge of the little point thingy as it went down it's trachea. I examined the intestines and noted the muscles. For the first time this day I was alright. I took comfort and solace eviscerating the corpse a pig's fetus. It was the best thing ever. I got home shortly after and laid in bed for an hour. A lot of my negative thoughts came back and I was telling myself to get up and do something. Don't lay in bed anymore. I have things to do. It took a long time but I finally did something. I studied lightly. Played guitar. My adviser managed read my email in time to. So I got into that class. I also apologized to my other friend for admitting I was depressed to her. She said it's fine but she doesn't need to hear things like that. But I guess part of my feels like it's appropriate to spill my guts to you guys on a forum where I'm semi-anonymous. Weird, innit? tl;dr i just want things to be okay. edit: just as a note. i don't hate that girl. i hope she's happy doing what she does. but i just don't want to be a part of it.[/QUOTE] wow man i gotta be honest out of all the post that i read here, yours seems to be the most depressing, really hope you can bounce back quickly from this mess

This is probably going to be my most pathetic post on here but I'm going to straight up admit that I actually and genuinely considered suicide because of shit people have said and done to me on this website. If I didn't have a relatively loving family then I would've done it. That and probably cowardice stopped me from doing it. I think I talked about this one time here. I was so scared of the pain I would've felt from death where I actually looked online to see if there was a method of suicide that's quick, reliable, clean, and painless. I found this website, it read like a MASSIVE scam about how there is this one foreign miracle pill for $89.99 that would give me a quick and painless death. It felt like satire because it was made and advertised like some sort of weight loss pill, using buzzwords, eye-catching graphics, and all poorly made using basic HTML. Seeing it made me laugh knowing that even in my darkest hour, someone was trying to profit from it. That ironically prevented me from suicide because I had that burst of laughter.

[QUOTE=JDER14;52147020]tl;dr i just want things to be okay. edit: just as a note. i don't hate that girl. i hope she's happy doing what she does. but i just don't want to be a part of it.[/QUOTE] Bro, I'm so sorry about that shit pileup. It's ok to let other people hold some of your emotional baggage: It lets them practice love, and it helps you practice communicating your feeling. You're still processing everything. A lot of my depression stems from not understanding myself and coping in maladaptive ways. People will accept you as you accept them simply because we all want to be accepted. Don't let your lame bitch friend's selfish ways stop you from loving her platonically. We need to learn to enjoy the process of loving. The things we think we want are nowhere near as fulfilling as we think they are, and we shouldn't hide portions of our happiness behind them. I find that when I stop thinking that I need the thing that I want (i.e. sex) I am best posed to receive it. [editline]25th April 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;52147126]wow[/QUOTE] Your worth comes from being human. You didn't earn that. You can't lose it without convincing yourself it's gone. Go listen to some Alan Watts or Terrance McKenna. Faceless internet spectres should not be as invalidating (and are not as validating) as you perceive them to be. Maybe being in a group just exposes your biggest inferiorities? Would you rather cope by running from the process of improvement or by starting the journey of gradual success through the hills of failure?

I really need to get out of this cage I have built. I stay inside all day doing nothing but watching porn and smoking weed. My place is dirty and messy and I have no desire to clean it even though I think this situation is awful. I want to learn things and go out and have a real life, I want to apply myself at something, I wanna be good at something but I'm so stuck in this damn comfort zone. I'm so in my head. I just want to be free

Just sent quite a important email, and now i'm panicking and shaking so hard I think I might fly away. God I love having anxiety so much. /s

I'm alive, But I was kicked out of my father's apartment again by my grandma.I am not sure if I have told you all this before, possibly in one of the previous threads but my dad jerks off a lot while I am home because he is a porn addict. Had a heart transplant and is going to die in 5-10 years. My dad's computer is right outside my room so he blasts it loud. My family is very provocative, I came out to half of them and my moms side is partially much better and treats me a little better, my dads side not so much. Etc. etc. I used to be abused, was kicked out and homeless multiple times, this is the third time. My ex best friend who I lived with abused me and I am traumatized by it all still.[I] I keep getting tossed around by life really REALLY badly as some of you know and its left me tweaky.[/I] Okay so right now I am somewhat stable, living with my girlfriend trying to figure out how to get health insurance. I managed to save up 6k this time and I'm going to get a car eventually. I found out from a mutual friend who is friends with my ex best friend that apparently this whole time I was suffering from the abuse she dished out to me, she foolishly blew most of her trust fund money living in luxury with her sleazy boyfriend, and now both of them have to live in alabama instead of a high-end part of florida. It's probably the only karma that's going to go get her. I have yet to get an apology and have her come clean. [I]All she said to my mutual friend is that I did not deserve anything she did to me... I don't know if he's just telling me what I want to hear or if that really did happen. If it did, I feel some justice has been done and that might help me sleep better. [/I] [/I] [editline]25th April 2017[/editline] She could have been smart and just NOT gone after a boy who made her the side chick, finished her classes, talk to her attourney to buy property in a cheaper part of florida and have me, her godsister, and another roomie all pay to rent a room so we could sustain the house, generate some profit, and get me away from my abusive family. But no, she HAD to go chase a boy who was not good for her and she is so stubborn, she refuses to leave him even now that they are financially unstable. She abused me because of her weird pshycho problems, and is going to pay the price.

[QUOTE=Smug Bastard;52138572]I had a dissociative episode at work today and had to be sent home.[/QUOTE] I've been there and know that feeling all too well, I feel like that moment really cemented the preception at work that I'm just some headcase. It rlly sucks having people not understand your situation over here.

Trauma has made me tweaky and panicky and twitchy. The mental breakdown I had when I heard my grandma tell me I wasn't allowed to live there anymore had me just sink to the floor and my gaze was just fixated on nothing, meanwhile my girlfriend was on the phone with her family whitnessing it all, sobbing, and I started sobbing too and we cried together and I was just weak, having hot flashes, I was fumbling dropping things and rapidly trying to find clothes, mumbling and twitching and repeating things like "Its okay its okay its okay I need to pack I need to pack I'll be okay I need to kill myself I can't take it. It keeps getting worse it keeps getting worse." I honestly was fucked up the entire day, I was fidgeting with leftover jellybeans from easter and not able to pay attention to anything, and this morning I became stable enough to communicate and at least not be like I was yesterday.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52148480]Trauma has made me tweaky and panicky and twitchy. The mental breakdown I had when I heard my grandma tell me I wasn't allowed to live there anymore had me just sink to the floor and my gaze was just fixated on nothing, meanwhile my girlfriend was on the phone with her family whitnessing it all, sobbing, and I started sobbing too and we cried together and I was just weak, having hot flashes, I was fumbling dropping things and rapidly trying to find clothes, mumbling and twitching and repeating things like "Its okay its okay its okay I need to pack I need to pack I'll be okay I need to kill myself I can't take it. It keeps getting worse it keeps getting worse." I honestly was fucked up the entire day, I was fidgeting with leftover jellybeans from easter and not able to pay attention to anything, and this morning I became stable enough to communicate and at least not be like I was yesterday.[/QUOTE] traumatic event is a real pain in the ass, I've been dealing with that problem for three months now and still have no clue on how to just forget about it, hopefully your condition gets better.

I'm at a complete loss and life doesn't feel real right now. I guess that guy lied to me and she's still having the time of her life meanwhile I'm fucking suffering. I can't take this shit anymore. When will my life get better?! I can't afford shit and I've been saving I'm up to 6k.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52148937]I'm at a complete loss and life doesn't feel real right now. I guess that guy lied to me and she's still having the time of her life meanwhile I'm fucking suffering. I can't take this shit anymore. When will my life get better?! I can't afford shit and I've been saving I'm up to 6k.[/QUOTE] Is there something that can take your mind off things? It's not a fix, but it can relieve the pressure so you can better focus later