Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

I've been involved with a political project concerning abusive speech and behavior. During this project I've help some victims wake up to the crap that happen to them in their lives or is happening in their lives. Please check it out if any of the scenarios are familiar to you. [url]https://www.docdroid.net/xKkjCeV/abuse-tactics-draft-1.pdf.html#page=13[/url] I know it is a political work but it has helped my mother heal even when she focus on the every day The work was inspired by [url]https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636[/url] The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans Please check it out.

I'm wondering if anyone can help me with this emotional "roller coaster" of sorts. During the day and being surrounded by friends, I'm energetic, active, and relaxed, but as the day goes on I get more exhausted and can't quite keep up the front of being in a good mood. I've been wondering if it's more of an introverted/extroverted thing, but I get genuinely tired and sometimes go into a pretty dark state of mind on some days.

an odd request but does anyone want to talk to me right now? i think i'm about to do something really stupid and none of my friends are picking up

[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;52159896]an odd request but does anyone want to talk to me right now? i think i'm about to do something really stupid and none of my friends are picking up[/QUOTE] Sure. What do you have in your mind?

-snip-

anyone else have trouble getting immersed in video games now they're older? i take time to wind down and try and get lost in the world that a game presents but all i can think about is 'i need to do washing', 'i have assignments due', 'i could be using my time better than this' - even if i've had a productive week. i'm at a loss

[QUOTE=geogzm;52160213]anyone else have trouble getting immersed in video games now they're older? i take time to wind down and try and get lost in the world that a game presents but all i can think about is 'i need to do washing', 'i have assignments due', 'i could be using my time better than this' - even if i've had a productive week. i'm at a loss[/QUOTE] My main problem being older is I don't have as much time as before to enjoy properly a long time consuming game..... Maybe this is the problem? We don't have a lot of time to relax with a game and we break the immersion often? However because Listing Videogames is my Hobby also, I don't feel at lost at all. It keep my mind "busy" with happy things to take care of.

[QUOTE=SweetShark;52160220]My main problem being older is I don't have as much time as before to enjoy properly a long time consuming game..... Maybe this is the problem? We don't have a lot of time to relax with a game and we break the immersion often? However because Listing Videogames is my Hobby also, I don't feel at lost at all. It keep my mind "busy" with happy things to take care of.[/QUOTE] yeah, this is probably it. I just don't know what's up with my head right now and all I feel capable of is cracking away at a few assignments and googling 'actually good survival games 2017' over and over :v: [editline]28th April 2017[/editline] if i'm honest, i know which game i want to get in to - it's always been rust, funnily enough the last game i had free time to play religiously back in 2013. now i'll find a server, make a base, get distracted with life and come back after the servers wipe

YO SO I WAS LIKE AT UNI AND I REALISED THAT THIS CLASS I HATE THAT CAUSES STRESS DOESNT MATTER AND ITS OK IF I FAIL IT BECAUSE IM ONLY HERE TO LEARN MATHS, NOT HOW TO WRITE PRETTILY [editline]28th April 2017[/editline] fuck u depression i am winning u cunt

Sick. Again. Woke up during the middle of the night shivering, full of sweat, with nausea out the ass. It seems like i catch every single shit floating in the air. Awful.

[QUOTE=geogzm;52160235]yeah, this is probably it. I just don't know what's up with my head right now and all I feel capable of is cracking away at a few assignments and googling 'actually good survival games 2017' over and over :v: [editline]28th April 2017[/editline] if i'm honest, i know which game i want to get in to - it's always been rust, funnily enough the last game i had free time to play religiously back in 2013. now i'll find a server, make a base, get distracted with life and come back after the servers wipe[/QUOTE] I am a little confused. Do you mean the game "Rust"? Funnily enough [for me also] the only Survival-like game ever played is one which take place in Canada. "Kona" its is name I think. Good Mystery.

I've recently been medically diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depressive disorder. One small victory. I can rest a little easier knowing that I'm not just assuming things.

i wish i could cry my feelings out, its some of the things that i really wanted to do so i can endure with my problems with the traumatic events , things that i should not see just pass by my eyes and once i saw it i can't forget about it and i feel like i just want to burst into tears but i can't there is something blocking my way to express my self in crying, i feel like my whole body would feel numb when i remember those memories and i'm hopeless to do anything, so i try to bury my head in my pillow and scream, i though that would help but nope it doesn't, i really wish this memories can be forgotten one day cuz i'm tired of it just plopping back out of nowhere, i feel like my own mind is imprisoning me and i can't escape. sorry if the topic of this post goes everywhere i'm just feeling hopeless and i'm typing while my hand is shaking badly.

Yesterday, I failed and had another involuntary purging incident bad enough I left work after my coworker saw me cry because I told her I didn't want to be alone. Not my proudest moment, and I think I'm worrying a lot of people at this point. Back to square one I suppose.

Had a big confrontation with my boss today over contract hours. Essentially, he wanted to drop my hours from 14 minimum to 10 because of winter being quiet and me being sick a few weeks back, with potential to flex up from that. I didn't want to budge because I really needed the money and I'd rather take 14 guaranteed hours than 10 with the chance of more. Problem is that on the system, it said my base hours were 10, despite accepting a contract for 14. Also there were 3 different contracts that my boss wanted me to agree to in the past (all 10 hour ones) that I never saw because the website is a buggy piece of shit that never shows half the things you want it to, which annoys me even further because he never told me about these contracts to accept, he just assumed I was going to see them the next time I logged on, nor did he even follow me up about them EVER. So he starts getting really aggressive and pulling the "after all I've done for you" card and guilt tripping me, borderline about to yell at me. All of a sudden, my store manager comes in because he overheard what was going on. My boss tells his half of the story and I tell mine (with him trying to cut me off). The store manager ended up siding with me, and acknowledged that the website is buggy as shit and doesn't always show new contract requests for everyone (without straight up asking my boss why he didn't let me know about the contracts he wanted me to sign), and that if I've accepted a contract for 14 hours then my base hours need to be changed to 14 as well. My boss was just staring into space while he was being told this with the most psychotic look I've ever seen in my life. I legitimately thought he was going to snap. So I ended up getting my 14 hour contract, but now my boss is guaranteed to be out to get me. I'm half scared of what he's going to do and half proud that I stood up for myself. I'm still anxious as fuck from today, and now I'm worried he's going to try and pull some shit so I can't go and visit my friend visiting from Indonesia in July even though I'm giving him 2 months notice and even telling him about my plans before I knew the exact date (which he was perfectly fine with at the time). The only safety net I have is that the store manager is friendly with me, and I'm with the union so if shit comes to worse they have my back. Still, it fucking frustrates me that all of this happened in the first place. If I had known about those contract requests I would've brought this shit up months ago rather than waiting till now when it became such a clusterfuck of a mess. I'm done with today. Don't work at supermarkets kiddies; it's a congregation of the absolute worst people you'll ever meet given the power to fuck over people below them.

Tried to do some mindfulness meditation earlier as I was feeling very anxious over being alone and woah. I felt so peaceful and at ease after 10 minutes of it, I think I'll make this a habit.

Fucking hell I need to vent. Why are seemingly all psychiatrists just so... plain fucking bad? I think that makes the tally 4 consecutive absolutely awful experiences; fucking incredible, I'm done. Like, I've noticed most of them do mean well, but the air of superiority just makes the relationship plain abusive. All I ever wanted was someone I can actually talk to freely to help me process my anxiety and fear properly, but in the end all anyone seems to do is look down on you like a fucking child and border on fucking you over entirely in the name of 'help' if you let the wrong word slip. Back when I was 16 and tried to seek help for depression all they ever fucking did was dismantle the little self-confidence I had left. Now that I finally mustered up the courage to get near a healthcare facility again, a few sessions later I get straight-up [i]threaten[/i] in the most thinly-veiled way I've ever fucking heard, repeatedly. I'm not sure if they were playing dumb or were genuinly too full of it to realize what they were saying when I brought it up, but thanks for making me relive that in the fucking worst way possible, and thanks for the ensuing panic attack. Fucker.

-snip-

Cant help to shake the feeling that i'm just some temporary work and i'm about to lose my job in the next week or two. Theres no major incidents that have any influence over this. The main reason why im worried, is because when i worked at A&W, they cut my hours down to 2 shifts a week before they fired me... Which is exactly how i feel this week is going to end, because i got 2 shifts this week. What's really getting to me though, is how much my coworkers make vs me, with how many hours they work vs how many i do. I'm making minimum wage - 12.40 CAD, whilst my coworkers are making upwards of the 17.50 CAD area. I'm working ~16/24 hours a week, whilst they get 40+ hours a week. I hope i can have a talk with my manager and explain my dilemma.. How am i meant to learn things from work, when i dont work enough to learn? If im expected to learn, atleast give me solid hours, so i can get a grasp on things. Dont space my fucking hours out for friday and saturday, and book me off for the next 5 days. If im not working for 5 days in a row, then of course im going to forget things i never even got taught about. Lately i've been trying to get more and more outgoing and social, even if it is just trying to connect with others. However that's been backfiring more then i thought. I thought that even if i get ignored, then it'll not suck as much as being quiet. Was i ever wrong. It feels worse to be ignored then to be glanced over for being quiet. And then theres also the possibility of me having to move with no chance of saying no. As if moving last september, then back in february, wasnt enough. Now theres also a probability of me having to move AGAIN in september/october/november area. I just pray its in september if i DO have to move, so i can just call that my birthday present. Atleast i can keep finding some cool coins, and can keep seeing some interesting license plates.. Finding new coins ive never seen before, and seeing license plates from different parts of the world... I dont know why, but it just fills me with this kid-like joy. Like finding something new. Laugh at me if you will, but these are the few things that actually make me all giddy and excited.

[QUOTE=MEOWTFLOL;52164191] Atleast i can keep finding some cool coins, and can keep seeing some interesting license plates.. Finding new coins ive never seen before, and seeing license plates from different parts of the world... I dont know why, but it just fills me with this kid-like joy. Like finding something new. Laugh at me if you will, but these are the few things that actually make me all giddy and excited.[/QUOTE] This is beautiful and don't let anybody smash your joy. I barely have anything that gives me that feeling anymore and honestly the more I lost it the more I valued seeing people get happy over little things. [B][I]Don't EVER let anybody make you feel ashamed for loving something simple and fun. [/I][/B] [editline]29th April 2017[/editline] As for me I'm scared of my future. I need to get a new job. I mean I could work as a waitress at that high-end INN resteraunt but I have to get a car first. I'm applying to places around here but walking is going to kill me because this town is all steep hills. I just want to get a car and then bail and leave everything, but I don't even have a liscence or know where to begin and researching isn't helping. I don't know what the hell I want anymore. [editline]29th April 2017[/editline] What the hell is the point anymore? I don't know what I even want out of life anymore, the personal trainer goal was just something to aim for and I don't want to do it anymore because I have no passion. I have absolutely no passion and everything seems like a chore. I don't get runner's highs anymore and don't feel empowered at the gym, my hobbies seem like a chore. My life feels meaningless.

-snip-

Recently i been thinking of why bother carrying on. Some stuff recently happened including my GF breaking up with me (my fault yay) And after all the other events i just feel there is no point. Any plans or dreams i had for the future are gone and there is nothing to do aside from go to work feeling dull and like I'm dead inside. Maybe i should just end it all for once.

so today i was able to let all my pain and suffering go hopefully forever, by just crying myself out it's funny how a 19 year old dude is trying his best to cry but it work and it feels really good and it feels like all the pressure was gone and hopefully it stays that way, today was a good day and hopefully tomorrow i will be able to become more stronger. hope you guys here makes some improvements in your situation, don't give up, your life is worth living, pain may come and stay for days, weeks, months, and maybe years but at the very end it will pass good luck and God Bless. [editline]30th April 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=DrugUnit;52168555]Recently i been thinking of why bother carrying on. Some stuff recently happened including my GF breaking up with me (my fault yay) And after all the other events i just feel there is no point. Any plans or dreams i had for the future are gone and there is nothing to do aside from go to work feeling dull and like I'm dead inside. Maybe i should just end it all for once.[/QUOTE] hey man i don't know anything about you but nobody is alone in this world you might have family members that care about you or some friends that treasure you dearly in their hearts, what if you decide to end it all and leave all of them, they would be devastated to see the person they care about is no longer alive, now i do sound selfish from this and you can just ignore the things that i say but hopefully you read this and realizes that someone out there still cares about you, and hope things turn out well and good luck.

When people belittle and laugh at you, then have the cheek to pretend they 'care' when your anxiety is through the fucking roof. Funny that.

I feel like I've really had to change a lot of things recently: how I sleep, what I do, how I interact. Had to change how I breathe. I'm going to have to do something different until I find what works. Probably going to cut things out. I have to do something.

-snip-

things are supposed to be getting better for me since I have graduated and will now be moving out of this childhood area that has been cursing my life yet at the same time I am losing everyone close to me and I'm still barely holding myself together lmao

Happy Birthday to me, almost no one remembered. The more I get older, the more I get childish and unprepared. I'm still heading nowhere, I'm still losing people I care about but unlike before no one is coming in anymore, I'm still bombarded with untreated mental illnesses, I'm still pretty much useless with no redeeming features, I still don't know what to do anymore, I still want to disappear.