Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

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So I've been pretty down the past couple days, thinking about my dad. The reason I'm so down is because I keep thinking about all the people that care about me, but I'm just so apathetic. I feel like it should make me feel better to have people care about me and how I feel about my dad, but I can't muster up the feeling to care and it makes me feel like a piece of shit. Does anyone else relate? It's killing me. edit: I mean, my aunt today set up a gofundme for my dad and it's already got good support, but I just don't feel any happier. It's shit, I should be thrilled.

My wife has been shit on almost all her life, primarily by her alcoholic single mother, and whenever anything goes wrong for her, it just compounds further on her depression and her mood for the day is completely ruined. She's at the point where she'd rather sleep all day than be awake. I thought that being a positive influence within her life would make things at least a little better, but every day it just gets harder and harder. I'm powerless whenever she starts hitting herself and begging for death, and nothing I say outside of being on the brink of tears myself ever helps. We earn too much to be eligible for free healthcare, but the healthcare options we were provided were outside of our budget, so I don't even know if [I]getting[/I] psychiatric help is a possibility. Even if we shelled out of pocket, I worry that even one little bump towards it would put her off the whole thing. I don't know what to do anymore. She's happy to have me in her life, but at the same time, I'm the only thing stopping her from killing herself. She feels like she's ruined my life by being stuck to me, but I don't think I could have made it without her. I need her, she's the missing piece to make my future life worth all the failures of my past. We love each other so much, and the genuinely good times we've had are making it so hard to regret, but I have a fucking heart attack every time I get a text when she's at work. Maybe there was a dickhead customer, or she dropped some bread on the floor, and I have to sit and wait for her to come stomping home then try to ignore as she breaks down because nothing I do will solve the problem. I don't want to have to think, "Maybe if I had never entered her life, she could die and be happy," but I'm reminded of it every time something bad happens to her. I want to be able to cut her horrible mother out of her life, but the woman is sitting on a house that we want to start a family in some day, if we even make it that far. For some context, we've been living together for about 2 and a half years, and we just got married this past December. We both have depression, though I've never been diagnosed. And for what it's worth, we're fairly heavy pot smokers (in a legal state, at least). and sorry if i lost cohesion partway through. i've never been able to talk to anyone about this and i dont really know how to. even making this small post took hours

Empathy: How is it done? How do I stop myself from trying to use people for my own gain? How do I help others and how can I enjoy doing so?

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;52183560]Empathy: How is it done? How do I stop myself from trying to use people for my own gain? How do I help others and how can I enjoy doing so?[/QUOTE] You shouldn't be using people for your own gain. People aren't here for that, and it's morally wrong. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Helping others makes them feel better, and though it's at our expense, we feel good knowing they feel good.

For one, having to ask how to not use people is a problem in itself. If you're self-aware enough to know you're using them, you should know that doing so is not the way to operate at all. Helping people simply out of the kindness of your own being is empathy. There shouldn't be any other ulterior motive and you shouldn't be expecting to receive something back other than gratitude. The knowledge that you're making someone's day better, even just a little bit, is enough.

I don't know why people think saying "it will get better" is true. If I have learned anything is that it only gets even worse constantly. And when people do say it I think its them just not actually caring or even being selfish thinking later "Oh I did my one good deed he will be fine now". These people don't fucking understand the shit I go through daily just trying to stave off the insanity or the want to jump off the fucking roof by trying to find whatever distractions I can on the PC since its the only damn thing left for me at this point.

[QUOTE=DrugUnit;52184535]I don't know why people think saying "it will get better" is true. If I have learned anything is that it only gets even worse constantly. And when people do say it I think its them just not actually caring or even being selfish thinking later "Oh I did my one good deed he will be fine now". These people don't fucking understand the shit I go through daily just trying to stave off the insanity or the want to jump off the fucking roof by trying to find whatever distractions I can on the PC since its the only damn thing left for me at this point.[/QUOTE] That's because none of us actually know what's in front of us, and if nothing else no matter how down and out we are we should still hold on to hope. Many people only became successes late in life by patiently enduring and working hard till then. For everybody who was unable to overcome their problems there is at least one other who stuck it out to overcome their own. I can say this in fairness because I too was trapped in my own personal hell for years and years of my life. I can also safely say that money didn't help me through that in any way at all. If not for a determination to see things through, I would either be crazy, paralyzed, or dead. There were so many days when i've asked myself the same thing, about whether things will get better or not. There were many days when I used to think putting myself out of my own misery, or giving up and remaining a NEET, would be a viable option. Just remember that you can find happiness even in the hardest times, if you'll only bother to turn on the light. I understand your cynicism insofar that you think that people just mouth platitudes to others, but having been there myself, I know what suffering means, and it pains me to see others going through the same or worse than I myself have.

[QUOTE=Zonesylvania;52184586]That's because none of us actually know what's in front of us, and if nothing else no matter how down and out we are we should still hold on to hope. Many people only became successes late in life by patiently enduring and working hard till then. For everybody who was unable to overcome their problems there is at least one other who stuck it out to overcome their own. I can say this in fairness because I too was trapped in my own personal hell for years and years of my life. I can also safely say that money didn't help me through that in any way at all. If not for a determination to see things through, I would either be crazy, paralyzed, or dead. There were so many days when i've asked myself the same thing, about whether things will get better or not. There were many days when I used to think putting myself out of my own misery, or giving up and remaining a NEET, would be a viable option. Just remember that you can find happiness even in the hardest times, if you'll only bother to turn on the light. I understand your cynicism insofar that you think that people just mouth platitudes to others, but having been there myself, I know what suffering means, and it pains me to see others going through the same or worse than I myself have.[/QUOTE] I don't want to sound insensitive or like a rude ass now but I can't belive in the whole "happiness in darkess" splurge that people constantly bring up or other variations of it. If it was true there would have been something good in the past 7-15 years of my life instead of all the damn bad shit that keeps happening. I mean it does not help that at least half of it is because im god damn stupid. But if it was true I would remember something positive from the past.

went to a psychiatrist for the first time yesterday. he straight up gave me a prescription with two drugs for anxiety and sleep deprivation/misplaced sleep phase or whatever. didn't expect that at all, I thought it would take longer for any prescription, I told him that I tried online tests for anxiety and stuff. also, he told me to go to a psychologist. Basically I worry too much about friendships, too much about recent mistakes, too much about my past and how that turned me out, too much about a special someone, a difficult one, and I'm unable to pass the time alone. halp good thing that I'm going to spend the rest of the day playing D&D though

I wish I could just cry. For some reason I feel like that would make me feel better for a bit.

[QUOTE=Sini;52185644]I wish I could just cry. For some reason I feel like that would make me feel better for a bit.[/QUOTE] Sometimes it helps. Sometimes you are just so dead inside that you cant even comprehend crying anymore. Or why or what is going on anymore.

[QUOTE=Live2becool;52178150]I would 100% drop any contact with this person. She's not worth you're life time even thinking about her. Honestly, this is only one person. A person with her own opinion, like how you have your own. What she did or said doesn't matter, because it literally means nothing. I'm guessing you're still young. You got a shit ton amount of time left. More people to meet, more relationships that matter. Don't associate yourself with her, you need to know that the shit she says has no control over you and what you can do. Today is the rest of your life. Move on.[/QUOTE] She blocked me 6 months ago and refuses to speak to me or apologize. I've seen what shes been up to because mutual friends, I have done everything to ignore it but I have night terrors about what she's done to me. [editline]4th May 2017[/editline] Not only that but today I got screamed at and catcalled three times in one small time frame and now I'm crying. Strangers are assholes and it's just getting worse. [editline]4th May 2017[/editline] TLDR this is what I have struggled with in a rough timeline, and what I am currently struggling with: I was bullied/tormented ever since I was a child in school well into adulthood outside of school because I was trapped in the same town. My family was abusive on and off and it's been complicated, most of it was from my alcoholic grandmother who is hellbent on having me become a fat cooking cleaning housewife. She hates gays and disabled people. I've been kicked out three times now from all different relatives and have been homeless for the third time, and I lived with a close friend in alabama and she ended up being abusive. I suffer from diagnosed depression and anxiety. I have poor self image 9 days out of 10 because I fail to see myself how other do yet a lot of people see me as ugly. I am addicted to the gym and it's my only outlet. I was single for a long time, struggled finding a girlfriend. My girlfriends family thinks im "too good to be true" and sometimes her mom doesn't like me. (Or so I feel that way) I have no friends, only aquaintences. Most are online. I have no health insurance. I'm homeless. I can't get help, have tried. I am not accepted for healthcare for some reason and I don't understand it. My girlfriend is trying to help me but even she doesn't understand it. I'm suffering from night terrors and depression from the abuse my ex best friend gave me half a year ago.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;52183560]Empathy: How is it done? How do I stop myself from trying to use people for my own gain? How do I help others and how can I enjoy doing so?[/QUOTE] Don't feel bad. I use people all the time and they also use me in return as well. It is a mutual situation for all of us. For me at least. Also is a nice feeling is they use you. I feel useful and nice be a cool dude. [editline]4th May 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Sini;52185644]I wish I could just cry. For some reason I feel like that would make me feel better for a bit.[/QUOTE] Screaming is much better. Make you feel more alive. And not a simple scream. I mean a REAL scream! To feel your lungs worked out. So enjoyable when I was in army when I could yell like an asshole and telling me I am perfect.

Just learned that my mom has degenerative arthritis; realized now that the symptoms were obvious since she's been having occasional moments of sudden pain in her knees.

Just jumped in. Ive been happy the last few weeks. How do you avoid falling back into the depression beause every time i hit it, i get closer and closer to having the gun up against my right temple.

[QUOTE=Booker K;52187186]I just finished the first day at my new job. I performed the functions of my position decently, but at the same time it gave me a lot of anxiety due to how fast paced it is. And even though the workers are nice to me, some of them lack empathy. The girl who was training me on food production was a little harsh on criticism, constantly telling me that I wasn't working fast enough, and wasn't adding the ingredients properly on the food. It's my first day, of course my skills aren't going to be as efficient to your standards. The other workers told me to not sweat it since I'll get the hang of it, but I fear I might not last long at the current rate I'm going. I want to take this job seriously, but I don't want to feel singled out as a newbie because I can't keep up as fast as others are. Oh yeah, and I'm going to try avoiding caffeine from now on. My body is easily sensitive to it, and because of the fact I have anxiety, it was much worse than expected today because I had coffee earlier. I'm going to try and run off the extra energy, it's a nice afternoon for a jog. I still regret drinking it though because it also made me feel like I was going to throw up.[/QUOTE] I hate starting new jobs for that reason. Anxiety always makes me feel unable to get a job down, like, that's my greatest fear starting a job is not being able to do it. and of course you have your typical hardass who expects you to learn off the bat. Fastfood is terrible about expecting you to know a variety of everything. It's day one. It takes a good 40 hours to get something down. Give it a few weeks

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I want to die now. I failed three subjects the past semester and I've finally passed all of them, I was happy for that but now I'm about to fail another subject because my final project for a class is submitting a patent, the professor is really strict and he is very pushy with it. My patent must be - Economical - Have lots of applications - Be very useful - Not exist yet I'm not going to make it. A long time ago I designed something (it was a car-door where part of it can be turned into a portable riot shield). I live in a city where robberies and assault happen quite frequently, I talked with some ex-military personnel, with police and so far the idea seems alright, but math majors from another faculty believe the idea is bad and that it's too expensive. I'm not planning to replace bullet-resistant windows or anything like that, it's just another accessory. I don't plan to sell the patent or mass produce it. I mean, I'm not aiming to get rich with my patent or anything, I just want to pass that goddamn class because I'm tired of failing at college and the teacher is a dick and says he will make me take the course all over again, even if I deliver all my homework and get 100% in the final. I talked with my dad and he always tells me "You're not mature" and yadadadada "Life is gonna teach you"-whatever I feel like shit all time and I keep hurting myself because I feel guilty and I can't get help because as soon as my therapist hears about it she is gonna tell my parents and my parents will ground me because they believe my problems are caused by someone's influence or something I'm doing (like playing games) or they will believe I take drugs (but I actually don't). I can't kill myself because then my friends and family will be angry at me for doing it instead of dealing with my problems, but I can't deal with my problems anymore because they make me suffer. Sometimes I believe I might be in hell, because I'm trapped in a city where I suffer in ways beyond physical pain and I'm not allowed to kill myself and be finally free from whatever is going through my head. No matter where I run to, their words are implanted in my head and follow me everywhere. They torment me every time I'm vulnerable and remind me that there is no escape from hell. I could go to the moon and the thoughts will remain in my head and they won't leave me alone. That's why I'm addicted to pain, because when I was a kid I learned from young age that suffering just couldn't be avoided, so I turned suffering into my new home, I made it my friend because by being close to it, I would always be prepared for suffering and the things that happened to me wouldn't hurt me anymore. But being friends with suffering has taken its toll on me and I don't think I can keep dealing with it anymore. I feel physically sick, I no longer believe on myself, every day feels like a war, every day I'm on the edge of losing it. I feel like if I had a time-bomb inside my chest and I know it's going to blow up one day, but I can't go anywhere because no sane doctor would treat a patient who is likely going to die when being helped. I can't let other people know about it because once they hear about they'll feel scared or angry when they hear about it. All I can do is keep calm and live as long as I can making sure that the bomb never explodes and when it does, there is nobody around me to see it happening and it sucks because all the time I know I'm not gonna make it, I can just delay it but never save myself.

Even when the psych gave me meds I'm still the most useless human to ever existed. No matter how much I try, I'm still lazy, I'm still procrastinating, I'm still unable to learn and understand anything, even if it's something that is non-academic, I'm still unable to socialize correctly and be a normal, functional member of the society. The fact that I'm dysfunctional, needing to rely on medications that barely work, really just makes me want to kill myself. I hate being like this. I'm finishing high school now and that means I have to get a profession and such and being me I don't think I'll ever get to live a stable life. Studying is something I find almost impossible for me to do, but it's something I have to do, even when it's not academic subjects. Just learning how society works, law, cars, stuff basically works is still very difficult. I got into art school because every other classes teach academic subjects but even then I'm still very very scared and unable. I've been learning how to draw basic anatomy for years and have been taught over and over so many fucking times and I can't get it right even in the fucking slightest. It's like this with almost everything in life. I've read a school book and reread a sentence over and over again for hours and can't remember that one short sentence, and when I do I forget it almost immediately. I have absolutely no qualities in life and I'm not overreacting. I'm dysfunctional, I'm fucking ugly, I've got a small one, I'm a complete fucking mess. I fucking hate it and I fucking hate myself and I just want it to stop because I hate seeing myself being dysfunctional, useless while everyone else is succeeding and even many younger kids are capable of doing so many things that I normally should can. I know you're probably thinking that I should not compare myself to others, but these are the normal things that a person in this age should be able to do even only slightly and I can't do shit. When a kid knows how to speak normally, hold a glass of water, think logically, and an adult can't, then there's something wrong and I'm that person. And the worst thing is that I don't think it's fixable at this point, I've been given the ADHD meds and they barely did a thing (either that or it's placebo), so I'm basically a naturally useless person. A jack of no trades.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52190257]Even when the psych gave me meds I'm still the most useless human to ever existed. No matter how much I try, I'm still lazy, I'm still procrastinating, I'm still unable to learn and understand anything, even if it's something that is non-academic, I'm still unable to socialize correctly and be a normal, functional member of the society. The fact that I'm dysfunctional, needing to rely on medications that barely work, really just makes me want to kill myself. I hate being like this. I'm finishing high school now and that means I have to get a profession and such and being me I don't think I'll ever get to live a stable life. Studying is something I find almost impossible for me to do, but it's something I have to do, even when it's not academic subjects. Just learning how society works, law, cars, stuff basically works is still very difficult. I got into art school because every other classes teach academic subjects but even then I'm still very very scared and unable. I've been learning how to draw basic anatomy for years and have been taught over and over so many fucking times and I can't get it right even in the fucking slightest. It's like this with almost everything in life. I've read a school book and reread a sentence over and over again for hours and can't remember that one short sentence, and when I do I forget it almost immediately. I have absolutely no qualities in life and I'm not overreacting. I'm dysfunctional, I'm fucking ugly, I've got a small one, I'm a complete fucking mess. I fucking hate it and I fucking hate myself and I just want it to stop because I hate seeing myself being dysfunctional, useless while everyone else is succeeding and even many younger kids are capable of doing so many things that I normally should can. I know you're probably thinking that I should not compare myself to others, but these are the normal things that a person in this age should be able to do even only slightly and I can't do shit. When a kid knows how to speak normally, hold a glass of water, think logically, and an adult can't, then there's something wrong and I'm that person. And the worst thing is that I don't think it's fixable at this point, I've been given the ADHD meds and they barely did a thing (either that or it's placebo), so I'm basically a naturally useless person. A jack of no trades.[/QUOTE] There's nothing wrong with needing medications, and don't feel bad about not being able to do stuff. There's 19 year old girls that are doing more than I am. It hurts because I can't have a stable life and a car like all of the other girls, let alone a normal appearance that I've so desperatley fixed (but still can't be accepted) and I'm homeless right now... But whatever. We're all trying.

I have greatly started to hate goin outside. Mostly since I see happy people who have not ruined their own life or people with friends or someone they care about. Makes me just want to to somewhere tall and end it.

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I'm okay. For the first time in a long time. I have a stable job that pays well. My best friend is back in town. I'm finally able to look back on my ex and feel nothing. It's scary how normal I feel right now.

I've been getting feelings for one of my friends lately, which isn't really a sustainable thing. Found out though she have a boyfriend again, her old ex in fact, because she means "No one will never love me anyway, except him".

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tbh i just hate everything right now every week i start up my gmod server to have some fun deathmatch every week people ENDLESSLY complain about everything every week i end up saying the same thing: "rock complains that scissors is op" [editline]4[/editline] like a year ago it was really bad but I finally put the foot down as of recent, there was a made playermodel that didn't have head hitboxes and people my friends literally threatened to leave the server like 12 year olds unironically and literally whining "FIX IT" because my other friend who was screaming over the fucking mic wouldn't listen to my requests to change his poorly made playermodel

I think I'm days maybe even hours away from fully going insane or having some kind of mental break. Tried to sleep round 6 in the morning and instead I had a panick attack or something and I just sat there balled up in my bed. Thank god everyone else was asleep. Last thing I want to happen is for my parents to find out about all this shit.

I have PTSD and Intermittent Explosive Anger. I had kind of a rough and sick childhood. Doctors didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, according to them it was some thing very peculiar. I found out later that it was a combination of Lyme Disease and PANDAS (Psychiatric Auto-immune Disorder Associated with Streptococcal infections.) I lived most of my childhood as a bubble boy, hitting a bubble peak in middle school, when I was so sick I was forced to be home bound. I tried to get back into the groove in 8th grade, but found it nearly impossible. I was constantly vomitting in the morning, I couldn't keep my head up. The pills they kept making you take kept killing the Lyme at a fast rate and my body had a hard time maintaining. But once you start thinking you can start to tolerate the medicine enough, so does the Lyme and the medicine starts to become ineffective. Because of this, I had to constantly keep switching up medicine, which I had to take a whopping 4 times a day and in turn constantly hull over. No one at my school knew about this. In fact, they hated me. Because I was forced to be homebound for an illness I never wanted and in turn I lost and was alienated by most of my friends. There is so much more. I could go on and on about my corrupt TOP 100 HIGHSCHOOLS IN AMERICA and their shit poor neo-nazi excuse of an education system. I could go over all the petty stuff like how I'm so sex starved that I now am to the point where I try to avoid intimacy. I could talk about my awkward family life of where it just feels like people who happen to be blood related share a house. I could talk about how one of the only people who could help me with my illness(es) did so by sticking a tube up my groin area, washing my blood through a machine for five straight fucking days, having absolutely none of your "friends" come by to visit you. The only person who came was some random priest at my church. Just sitting in a hospital bed for five whole days with a tube up my groin and the same month people are starting school. And then, "SURPRISE, IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK AT ALL!" And then I tried to ask why it didn't work in the most polite manner I could, and then being told that I asked a very rude question, kicking me out of her office, and then basically right after trying to shame my mother into being a better parent. BECAUSE IT WAS HER FAULT, NOT THE FUCKING ILLNESS THAT MAKES ME UNABLE TO FUNCTION FOR THE PASSED 11 MONTHS APPARENTLY. Oh shit I guess I did talk about all the stuff huh? Well fuck it, I don't care. I'm just talking from my emotions at this point. Yes, there may have been shitty bits from before and after middleschool, but through talking with my new psych and my therapist I'm starting to think that the peak of my Lyme and PANDA'S outbreak is the catalyst of how I am today. I was constantly getting shit from people left and right. Gossip from students, people bashing me into lockers and pouring water in my face just to look funny to their friends. Teachers giving me dirty looks, and treating me like I was, "Special" or a delinquant, and giving me my own table in the middle of the class room of desks with just me alone. Either because there wasn't enough seats or no one wanted to sit with me. And eventually, the people who were nice to me by the end of the year took off their masks and completely pushed me away. I couldn't understand any of it. Why was this happening to me? I was doing perfectly fine before I got sick. I loved my friends, I was getting A's and B's. And when I came back, I had to have private 1 on 1 classes with a teacher who would just throw me a packet and sit on her phone, not giving a single shit, and probably a little annoyed she had to be babysitting me. I know I was. No one understood then, but now I think most of the people who I was affiliated with in highschool knew and even told me that they respect me for all that shit I went through. While flattering, it didn't really lift my spirits, especially when it came from the people who I went to middle school with who bailed near the end of the year. I can't feel anything anymore. Nothing improves my mood, but everything can send me into a state of anxiety and panic for no reason. Hanging out with friends now just makes me more annoyed by the end of it, and no human contact leaves me craving it like a starved cannibal. I'm scared of people. I'm scared of their problems. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of trying. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of caring. I'm scared of empathy. I can't trust anyone, and I have no pride, ego or ambitions to give a single fuck to care about myself. I feel like I failed my own life, and have been failed by the people who I loved the most through out my life. My mind is constantly on fire from inflammation in my brain. And through the fire are traumatic memories flooding into my mind faster than my mind can comprehend, on repeat. Every time I reach the end of my traumatic flashbacks, some one winds up the tape and starts it all over again. And it's gotten to the point where I can't fucking predict when they'll come up. Now while this might sound silly, I smoke weed to relieve the pain and pressure and to be honest it really helps a lot. However, my current psych wants me to take a tolerance break and see how it affects me and if it's some of the cause of the anxiety. Instead, the pressure in my head went into maximum overdrive until I had a complete episode in my house screaming "I'll beat the fucking shit out of you" to some highschool fuckwad who constantly looked down on me (flashback, not irl). When I get really anxious and out of my skin, my face starts twitching like a ritual body tick ( I had those as well in 6th grade when I first got Lyme.) and the pressure starts to combine with the traumatic flashbacks until I just completely lose myself. I'm sorry, I know this was a bit of a ramble. But getting all this out has helped relieve me just a little bit. I don't think I've ever cried while typing some thing before. I'm at this weird stage in my life right now. Some where between figuring out what it means to be an adult and mourning my somewhat not too far childhood, built upon an empire of dirt. The whole duality of it all is splitting my fucking head open.

[QUOTE=The golden;52197308]Our of curiosity - but why? You shouldn't hide your suffering if others have the means to help you.[/QUOTE] My parents are great people but involving them in anything related to emotional or personal problems get more complicated due to my dad being an old man with his own problems and very opposite worldviews from me and mom has been working as a nurse at a psychiatric/mental hospital fo 25 years so she has his own opinions and things on all that jazz. And I don't want to burden them with my problems when we have enough already.