Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

Sister making recovery, had 3 anxiety attacks yesterday what a mixed bag of a week

[QUOTE=The golden;52197380]I think you should at least tell your mom. Maybe ask her specifically to be discrete about it and keep it on the down-low for now. I'm not trying to be cheesy or anything but there are very few problems which are more important than your failing mental health and I'm sure your parents would agree. No parent wants to see their child suffer.[/QUOTE] I have tried 3 times before and I don't think the 3rd time will help at all aside from mom being dissapointed in me/berating me again.

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I seem to always find new things to worry about. Thought I had this other thing taken care of but here I am stressing over it all over again. Why now and not earlier? Nothing changed :(

I hate feeling powerless about things. Tbh when there is a issue and if me myself can fix that problem, I fix that issue. If I cannot fix the issue I contact the person most capable of solving that issue. I've learned through life that not every issue can be solved even though it needs to be solved. 7th grade I had a teacher with legitimate anger issues who would scream at students if they upset him in any way. Plenty complaints (not from me) were directed towards him but he was kept because he was the only guitar teacher in the region. I think we was actually put on leave for a year because he practically assaulted a student. 10th grade PE teacher who was like half the stereotype of the idiot high school coach who would get mad at the victims of bullying for being disruptive. A girl who was noticeable and visible not feeling that well was getting berated by that PE Teacher for not wanting to do anything. He even yelled at another kid when said kid told him to take it easy on her. He was pretty much untouchable since he was the head of the athletic department. 11th grade english teacher who was just a general passive aggressive dick. If you weren't good at english he would take that as a insult somehow and he wouldn't care that much about you. Almost failed that course, he wrote a lot of passive aggressive comments on barely passing assignments. Brought it to the VP and she fully admitted that he's a dick but there can't really be done about it. She was the greatest. She helped me pass english by proofreading my essays, even said that it was B level essay. Her face was kinda priceless when that essay got me a C and a passive aggressive remark. My middle-highschool years were some of my worst. Year 12 was the greatest because everyone at that point passed puberty, actually grew a brain, and actually wanted to be here. Standards were actually set incredibly high for year 12 students because they were the official product of that highschool. If a year 10 student acted out of line, people could say "oh those are just year 10 students", if a year 12 student acted out of line then that's bad rep for the highschool. Lots of troublemakers were suspended in the last months of year 12. As you can probably tell, I also learned that if theres a fixable problem that is trying to be passed off as "unfixable", it's because someone wants to make that unfixable, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Especially when it comes to people.

High school in general was a total shitshow for me. I still have mental issues after finishing nearly 7 years ago and it still hurts me inside just thinking about it.

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I have to initiate like 90% of conversations with people and usually when someone else enters or if I'm in a group I feel left out. I think maybe it's because I'm boring, or lack social skills, or maybe I'm weird/creepy/annoying, or all of the above. I don't know how to fix this.

-no-

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;52201168]I have to initiate like 90% of conversations with people and usually when someone else enters or if I'm in a group I feel left out. I think maybe it's because I'm boring, or lack social skills, or maybe I'm weird/creepy/annoying, or all of the above. I don't know how to fix this.[/QUOTE] I have a similar problem, In my head I feel like I can socialize well, and in most cases I do but I can't help but look like a child stumbling through adulthood. I sound like a child and no one takes me seriously. I don't know how to use this to my advantage. In my head I want to be this badass female like those girl cops in movies who are serious and feared. In real life I am just an awkward child that nobody takes seriously because of my height and voice and it makes me suicidal.

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;52200460]High school in general was a total shitshow for me. I still have mental issues after finishing nearly 7 years ago and it still hurts me inside just thinking about it.[/QUOTE] Highschool in general has left me with a lot of emotional scars. Specially the first Sophomore year and I still feel pathetic and weak for still not getting over the one girl I fell in love during that time.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52190343]There's nothing wrong with needing medications, and don't feel bad about not being able to do stuff. There's 19 year old girls that are doing more than I am. It hurts because I can't have a stable life and a car like all of the other girls, let alone a normal appearance that I've so desperatly fixed (but still can't be accepted) and I'm homeless right now... But whatever. We're all trying.[/QUOTE] But the medications don't do much to me and I still can't do anything right in life. I can't ride a car either like others, not even a motorcycle, which is the most common vehicle in where I live and everyone learns how to ride it when they are 10-11 years old. I can't drive shit because I'm fucking scared. On an unrelated note, I just messed up something very fucking big that I'll probably kill myself over it. So I applied to private school (college) and passed the test (anyone could) and after the test you had to pay the school fee and give some documents along with the bill to the college and it turns out I got the date wrong. I was supposed to give the documents on the 10th and pay on the 3rd. Obviously I missed the payment date and I don't know what to do now. I'm scared that if I miss the payment they'll decline me and I would have to take the test again, wasting even more money and time. If I don't take the test again I would spend the next year unemployed and my parents would disown me if I do. The college won't take my calls and I just fucking messed up everything. The other choice I have is to take the public school test and I obviously won't pass it since it's in one week, I messed up the registration info, and have absolutely no preparation, and public school demands very high scores. And no, public school test isn't those tests where you can just try and expect to pass with little to no preparation. Also, my tutor called me asking me about my final exam scores. They weren't good and I put in a lot of fucking hours into studying with him and I don't know what to say when I see him. He expects an average score and my scores are far from the passing grade, not even close to okay. Another fuckup. tl:dr I messed up my future yet again, parents are going to be very fucking mad at me and possibly kick me out/disown me and I would probably kill myself before fucking more things up and dealing with the anger my parents would do to me.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52201372]But the medications don't do much to me and I still can't do anything right in life. I can't ride a car either like others, not even a motorcycle, which is the most common vehicle in where I live and everyone learns how to ride it when they are 10-11 years old. I can't drive shit because I'm fucking scared. On an unrelated note, I just messed up something very fucking big that I'll probably kill myself over it. So I applied to private school (college) and passed the test (anyone could) and after the test you had to pay the school fee and give some documents along with the bill to the college and it turns out I got the date wrong. I was supposed to give the documents on the 10th and pay on the 3rd. Obviously I missed the payment date and I don't know what to do now. I'm scared that if I miss the payment they'll decline me and I would have to take the test again, wasting even more money and time. If I don't take the test again I would spend the next year unemployed and my parents would disown me if I do. The college won't take my calls and I just fucking messed up everything. The other choice I have is to take the public school test and I obviously won't pass it since it's in one week, I messed up the registration info, and have absolutely no preperation, and public school demands very high scores. Also, my tutor called me asking me about my final exam scores. They weren't good and I put in a lot of fucking hours into studying with him and I don't know what to say when I see him. He expects an average score and my scores are far from the passing grade, not even close to okay. Another fuckup. tl:dr I messed up my future yet again, parents are going to be very fucking mad at me and possibly kick me out/disown me and I would probably kill myself before fucking more things up and dealing with the anger my parents would do to me.[/QUOTE] There's a chance the school will understand your situation, and your family isn't family if they kick you out over some mistake like that. I know for a fact my family isn't my family because they kicked me out for being a fucking lesbian in the year 2017. I'm still dealing with the trauma of feeling unloved by them ontop of the trauma of my ex best friend who is litterally acting like a cockyb spoiled cunt on all forms of social media she hasn't blocked me on. I could call her out but she would get a swarm of semi famous people to attack me. [editline]8th May 2017[/editline] Litterally all I have is my girlfriend and a duffel bag of clothes and documents and there's not much she can do. Her and her family want to help but they don't now how so they're giving me plenty of time to get my liscence and a job and save up for a car.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52201385]There's a chance the school will understand your situation, and your family isn't family if they kick you out over some mistake like that. I know for a fact my family isn't my family because they kicked me out for being a fucking lesbian in the year 2017. I'm still dealing with the trauma of feeling unloved by them ontop of the trauma of my ex best friend who is litterally acting like a cockyb spoiled cunt on all forms of social media she hasn't blocked me on. I could call her out but she would get a swarm of semi famous people to attack me.[/QUOTE] Yeah, but my parents are already on the edge about college stuff. They've kicked my brothers out before for smaller fuckups and my mistake is really big because it concerns with money, future, and respect. Nothing more shaming than having an unemployed kid. It's an asian family so you know how it is. What if the school still won't take it? How would they tolerate and understand a situation which is basically a stupid mistake? I didn't read the date correctly. Even if I choose to apply next year I would have to lose contact with all my friends because I've lost self worth and I would probably already killed myself before I get the chance.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52201396]Yeah, but my parents are already on the edge about college stuff. They've kicked my brothers out before for smaller fuckups and my mistake is really big because it concerns with money, future, and respect. Nothing more shaming than having an unemployed kid. It's an asian family so you know how it is. What if the school still won't take it? How would they tolerate and understand a situation which is basically a stupid mistake? I didn't read the date correctly. Even if I choose to apply next year I would have to lose contact with all my friends because I've lost self worth and I would probably already killed myself before I get the chance.[/QUOTE] Could you possibly get a small job doing something and stash away money? Thats what I've been doing. I've been saving for years just to buy a car (without having to take out a loan) that I'll probably wind up living in. Idk what it is but I have a bad feeling I'll wind up living out of my car (I'm NOT going to enjoy it but I might have to) working odd jobs just to keep it running and then ultimatley wind up killing myself or just hooking up with random girls every night like some sort of lonely fuck.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;52201439]Could you possibly get a small job doing something and stash away money? Thats what I've been doing. I've been saving for years just to buy a car (without having to take out a loan) that I'll probably wind up living in. Idk what it is but I have a bad feeling I'll wind up living out of my car (I'm NOT going to enjoy it but I might have to) working odd jobs just to keep it running and then ultimatley wind up killing myself or just hooking up with random girls every night like some sort of lonely fuck.[/QUOTE] Well, no. The important thing is college and If I don't either go to college or get a very very high paying job then it's off to the streets and the bridge.

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;52201452]Well, no. The important thing is college and If I don't either go to college or get a very very high paying job then it's off to the streets and the bridge.[/QUOTE] Have you considered driving truck? It's a fair trade, easy to get into.

[QUOTE=Suff;52201455]Have you considered driving truck? It's a fair trade, easy to get into.[/QUOTE] Not a common country for truckers. But I probably won't take it since the jobs I'm talking is like a banker, or a high businessman, all that successful shit that needs college degrees and whatnot. Basically I'm fucked if I don't get to college.

Do I still have future if I graduate from college but have bad grades? I know I won't be able to work at some high-tech company or work in a foreign country, but are there employeers who would hire someone with some experience and speaks three languages even if their grades kinda suck? My therapist tells me to never put my grades, like, just mention the university and my engineering, but don't mention my grades unless they explicitly tell me to. I believe my grades don't really tell my abilities. I once had a professor who failed me twice with the same grade, hell, he failed the entire class. Then, I had the same subject with a different professor and I passed with 95%. Right now I'm about to fail a class, a class where I got 100% in the mid term, got 100% in every single essay I delivered, just because my professor isn't satisfied with my team's invention. I mean, most of the times I fail are actually due to shitty teachers rather than lack of work or interest.

Generally your degree doesn't reflect your grades and only the most prestigious jobs want your college GPA. I've never applied for a job that asked me for my grades lol. As long as you pass, you'll probably be okay. But do remember that even if your GPA is low, you can always take some easier classes to boost it if you ever need to. That's if college in Mexico is similar to college here. Be careful though, if you're actually FAILING classes, that's probably doing a fair bit of harm. Not to mention, if you're paying for college, it's kind of a waste of money. Put forth your best effort, utilize help on campus like tutoring or extra credit if possible. Drop classes if you don't think you'll be able to at least pull out a C. Again, I'm not sure if this can apply to college where you're at but hopefully it works.

In Mexico it works like this. There is a document called Kardex, which registers all your grades and every subject you've taken. For every subject you have 5 attempts to pass it. You require a minimum of 70% to pass. If you fail the 1st attempt, you go into 2nd chance. In 2nd chance you only have to do a test with all the contents of the calls. If you don't pass the 2nd chance test, you go into 3rd chance. In 3rd chance you have two options: Do another test and pay $500 MXN (like 30 US Dollars) or pay $1000 (around 60 bucks) and see the subject all over again. 4th chance is the same thing as 2nd chance. 5th chance is the same thing as 3rd chance. Failing 5th chance gets you suspended for an entire term and have to do the admission test all over again. When starting form the first term, you have the option to "buy back" all the subjects you passed in your previous terms (so you don't have to see every single subject all over again) but they charge you like $1500 MXN. Plus, you cannot take the same major. i.e IF you got suspended as an Electrical Engineer, you cannot select it again, you can be, however an Automation Engineer or IT. Now, in the Kardex there are two "grades". There is the "real grade" and the "university grade". When you apply for a master's degree or when the university is forced to give out your grades for evaluation or check up. They only count the attempts where you passed. Let's use my example. My shitty teacher failed me in the first two attempts. I got 45% in the first attempt. DNS ("Didn't show up to test") in the 2nd attempt and 95% in the 3rd attempt. The university only cares about the 95%, they don't count the previous attempts. When doing a real grade however, they would grade the 45%, the DNS as 0% and the 95% and it would become a "final grade".

... I am absolutely ashamed with myself right now. I took a driving lesson, the teacher was telling me to drive on the highway and I wasn't comfortable but she pushed me. K I did alright driving but I felt myself getting blind and I had trouble staying in my lane. I calmed myself down and focused on the road but couldn't help but feel intimidated by the fast speed I had to drive at. Plus I still suck at paralell parking and can't remember road signs. I am so anxious I can't even get up to go talk to the people at panera bread even though I don't have an interview scheduled. I'm too anxious to walk 2 miles just to get to a store and talk to people. I tell myself I can do this but I fucking can't and I need someone to put a bullet in my head.

I'm beginning to think my parents contracted my depression...

Okay so, I did good driving, she said she felt comfortable with me driving on the highway and for my first time it was good... I struggled to parallel park but I did it three times. I guess I am too hard on myself.[I] I did OKAY, coulda done better but the point is I did it.[/I] I'm going to have to make myself take another lesson or two that focus more on getting comfortable driving on the highway and the parking bit. Other than that I'd say I'm golden.

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fucking hell i'm legitimately trying so much to make changes and be healthier and be proactive yet I continually just want to die and feel exhausted all the time. i just want to not feel like dying and be super depressed all the time and be able to maintain healthy relationships so i can have people that care about me and stick around

[QUOTE=Booker K;52200579]I don't miss high school. I sometimes even wish I wasn't forced into public school at the time. If I hadn't been so lazy and distracted at home, I would have remained home schooled and not be as emotionally scarred from the shit I went through. At least I'm enjoying college, because people there actually do their work and not start any drama. Can't wait to go back this Autumn.[/QUOTE] Being half home schooled then going to high school was the worst thing for me because I had no idea how to interact with people, I always felt like, and still feel like an outsider. But I try not to dwell on that sort of stuff.

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Actually went to bed at a semi reasonable time only to wake up from extreme sharp pain 4 in the morning that lasted forfor a whole minute or two in my face. Tried falling asleep again but then I kept remembering how fucked I am fincancially due to some mega cunt wanting a dept I owe back really bad. And the fsct I have to go out to work and to do some excersize and fucking socialize. I hats going outside and talking to people. Everyone is either so god damn happy or judging me because I look slightly wierd in this shithole of a country.

Just talked to me psych today and he's prescribing me Prozac. On another note, I think one of the things that can shift my mood is that I don't really have a routine, or anything that [I]really[/I] helps distract me from just sitting in my house and wallowing. How do you guys go about your day or maintain a routine that doesn't really wear thin after a while?