Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5 - General

[QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;50984496]Sorry, i'm not religious and i live in another country. (Also i dont want to come off as an asshole i'm genuinely curious) Why do you pay to go to church? I cant spare £200 a month on anything let alone going to a church.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=SoftHearted;50984718]She gets paid for working there. She doesn't pay 200 bucks to go Church dude :v[/QUOTE] Yeah I don't pay to go there. :v I get paid for helping out in the little kid area since I'm the only person there with 6+ years of experience with kids plus CPR/First Aid Certification. It's more a stipend since I'm supposed to use it for supplies, which I do, but most of it goes to me. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] I'm honestly not very religious myself. Got my own set of funky beliefs that definitely are way more lax and not at all lined up with what I was raised with, but the church means a lot to my parents and so it's more of a family obligation than much else that I'm still there.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50984776]Yeah I don't pay to go there. :v I get paid for helping out in the little kid area since I'm the only person there with 6+ years of experience with kids plus CPR/First Aid Certification. It's more a stipend since I'm supposed to use it for supplies, which I do, but most of it goes to me. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] I'm honestly not very religious myself. Got my own set of funky beliefs that definitely are way more lax and not at all lined up with what I was raised with, but the church means a lot to my parents and so it's more of a family obligation than much else that I'm still there.[/QUOTE] I think i need to use the sleep :v:

Uh as a follow up to that, my mother came to me and gave me a genuine apology. Which doesn't really erase the hurt but it helps a little bit.

Atleast she had the decency to apologize.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50985339]Uh as a follow up to that, my mother came to me and gave me a genuine apology. Which doesn't really erase the hurt but it helps a little bit.[/QUOTE] I've gotten to that point in my life where apology's mean fuck all to me, and thats sad really because sometimes people are genuinely sorry, but i instinctively see it as bullshit to make themselves solely feel better and not you.

She did, yes. Which means a lot to me. I told her I went ahead and removed every old person off of my Facebook and made a post saying that if people had concerns, they could come to me. In addition to that, I told my mother that if anyone asks, that my parents can direct them to ask me instead. I'm 25 and can tell people about my own issues. But she felt better about it after I told her that, so it was a nice exchange. I'm still emotionally exhausted because I'm already sick and the conversation we had was pretty taxing on me. But I'm feeling a little better. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;50985352]I've gotten to that point in my life where apology's mean fuck all to me, and thats sad really because sometimes people are genuinely sorry, but i instinctively see it as bullshit to make themselves solely feel better and not you.[/QUOTE] A lot of my mom's issues stem from her insecurity in the face of judgement from people in church. Which I understand. And if she has ways to deal with that on her own, that's fine. It's when she starts insinuating that I need to watch what I do/say to avoid judgement that it bothers me. Hopefully she won't do that anymore though. My mom is pretty good about keeping her word.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50985371]She did, yes. Which means a lot to me. I told her I went ahead and removed every old person off of my Facebook and made a post saying that if people had concerns, they could come to me. In addition to that, I told my mother that if anyone asks, that my parents can direct them to ask me instead. I'm 25 and can tell people about my own issues. But she felt better about it after I told her that, so it was a nice exchange. I'm still emotionally exhausted because I'm already sick and the conversation we had was pretty taxing on me. But I'm feeling a little better. [editline]1st September 2016[/editline] A lot of my mom's issues stem from her insecurity in the face of judgement from people in church. Which I understand. And if she has ways to deal with that on her own, that's fine. It's when she starts insinuating that I need to watch what I do/say to avoid judgement that it bothers me. Hopefully she won't do that anymore though. My mom is pretty good about keeping her word.[/QUOTE] A lot of misdeeds seem to be done because of the worry of judgement from people in church, which strikes me as a bit of a paradox since church (at least in my limited experience) felt like it should be a place of community where such things aren't a worry. Alas, that is rarely the reality with regular churchgoers it seems.

It should be. It isn't. A big reason why I've stopped caring what the people in church say about my clothes, job, demeanor, and physical/mental health issues. My dad is a pastor, so unfortunately, both he and my mom are still impaired by the possibility of negative judgment. Especially since my sister got pregnant out of "wedlock" and has a daughter now. They love her and she's still living with us but boy if they aren't so careful about their appearance to the church.

You guys feel that your life is missing something? I'm not sure what it could be, it just feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing. It's weird, doing everything and even a little bit more that I did when I was happy just doesn't give the same result today. I feel like I'm better off in so many areas yet I was a lot happier before. Maybe I'm just not challenging myself enough anymore. Perhaps the things I used to do has just gotten too easy because I am better off than I was. [editline]2nd September 2016[/editline] Maybe I'm not social enough. I dunno. Not enough variety in friends. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and find it so hard to express gratitude over having people around me. Maybe because I don't really feel that much to begin with and take it for granted or because I just don't like showing it, I'm not sure myself. Might be wise to get into working. Just something to do during the day and it most likely pays better than welfare. At the same time I really want to get back to school so I can actually finish my education but then my plans of moving out would get crushed. I think I could manage on welfare but it's gonna be very tight for a few years.

Been signed off since I left college years ago, with only Level 1 qualifications. I applied to go back to college this year, but my partner told me not to because there are way more opportunities where he is. Fair enough. No problem... Was all set for flying to the other side of the country to be with him next month, but now he dropped the bombshell on me that he's moving back to London for financial reasons. Great. Made plans and cancelled them twice all for fucking nothing. Thanks babe. :goodjob: At least I didn't waste money on a ticket, and at least I have much more time to spend with family when I have the chance. Focusing on the positives and all that.

You know now that I have become self-concious to my ADHD issues it just keeps getting worse daily. Gonna see if I can get an advance on my work pay so I can see a doctor/psychologist of somekind next week. Otherwise this is gonna drive me insane and even more depressed.

On Monday I'm moving out from my parents for the very first time. I've been depressed for a while, but I think a new place, new uni and new people will make things better. And an old friend is visiting for a weekend later this month, it feels good to have something to look forward too.

I never thought living with my parents for only three weeks would be this stressful. One week down, two to go. My parents have been in this completely ridiculous six-month-long fight that started when my mom moved into her own place completely out of the blue, claiming she couldn't stand to live in a house that needed so many things fixed. Since then things have been steadily getting better until like... two weeks before I had to move home temporarily. My dad bought his first gun with some money he made working overtime. He told my mom that he was going to buy it and she got pissed because she needed work done on her car that she didn't tell my dad about. He was just supposed to know somehow despite her car never being at the house where he could check on it. She also acted like she was legit threatened by my dad now, like he was planning to shoot her or some stupid shit. My brother and I told her she was out of her mind, so she got pissed at us too. Meanwhile, my dad has been devastated that she'd accuse him of something like that. So she completely ghosted the rest of the family for like three weeks because of this. In the meantime, my dad sold the gun to his friend and made the decision to never get a new one. He also tried to get a hold of my mom so he could take her car in and get it fixed, but she wouldn't pick up. In the middle of all this, my dad gets a call last night that his mom is in the hospital after collapsing at work. She's currently in critical condition and might not live through the weekend. My dad drops everything and schedules an emergency flight leaving today. Coincidentally, my mom shows up at the house out of nowhere. She had planned to do laundry while my dad was at work and was visibly pissed that he was home and preparing for his flight when he was supposed to be at work. Despite the fact that my dad is running around trying to get ready and not paying her any mind, and despite the fact that she knows that my dad is running around like crazy trying to make a cross-country flight to see his possibly dying mother, she actually starts giving him shit. She stops him in the hallway while he's trying to get ready and starts yelling at him about how the house is messy and there's a bad smell because of the dog. She's getting frustrated with him because he's scrambling trying to make sure he has money for tolls before leaving for the airport. And she's all pissed because my brother and I are trying to help my dad and reassure him instead of giving her the attention she so desperately wants. I mean, I know my mom hates my dad's mom. She's made that abundantly clear in the past. But she crossed a lot of lines today that made me really uncomfortable. I've never been close with my grandmother either, but I can at least feel sympathy for how soul crushing this must be for my dad. Right now she's got my brother outside and is giving him an earful about how my dad has wronged her lately. I excused myself from the conversation immediately which I'm sure I'm going to get an earful about later. I really hate being in the middle of all this. While I was moved out I avoided visiting or calling home specifically because everything has to be about my mom and dad and their ongoing fight. I hate that they want me to keep secrets from each other. I hate that they don't care how little I want to be involved and will get pissed if I just don't want to hear it. September 16th can't come soon enough. That's when my new apartment will be ready and I can leave all of this behind again.

Man what a fucking shitty ass night, i actually thought about your situation Pascall. There was some kind of event center organizing some stupid shit near to my building, and the noise generated was [B][U]insane[/U][/B]. I slept like three hours maximum. I feel like shit, but most importantly i'm angry. I just hate people more and more, how can you scream all the fucking night like a god damn animal ? And how the fuck can you drink so much all the time ? They fucking disgust me. Thank god i don't have a gun, would've probably shot one of these noise maker. I know it sounds edgy but people are so fucking retarded and disrespectful, you can't understand the feeling if you don't live yourself in a noisy neighborhood. What a terrible night.

[QUOTE=PredGD;50980007]While not easy, I think it's best to just refrain from thinking about love completely. Not become asexual, but just remove the focus of it. I haven't been in a relationship in 3, soon 4 years, and that's completely fine to me. It isn't fine if I start thinking about it however. So why should I think about something that makes me upset which has no solution either? I see this in my friends as well even though they're with new guys pretty much every second month. Sooo focused on being in a relationship that it overshadows pretty much everything else in their life. [/QUOTE] That train of thought doesn't really work when you live with, say, brothers who do have relationships, either romantic or otherwise. It takes a stronger man than me to not get miserable when one brother's at his work and the other has his girlfriend over for the weekend and I'm just here in my room, weekend after fucking weekend.

Managed to snap once again. Sure feel like a terrible human being when I'm not really sure if I'm even justified in getting angry. From my view my complaints and needs are reasonable but I'm not sure if they actually are. I just feel so done with people in general. I keep finding shit to dislike / hate in pretty much everyone. Perhaps not as far as hating in most cases, but yeah. Always something to pick on that'll bother me. The worst part is how reasonable it all sounds in my head, I agree with myself which shouldn't come as a surprise. But I know I can be mistaken. I just feel everyone I know lacks the ability to respect other peoples needs. If someone forwards a complaint to me I feel like I often respect that and end whatever I might be doing. If it goes the other way I often feel people just go "I don't give a fuck lol". Which reminded me, I only seem to snap in situations where this is very pronounced. Where I want to do something and I'm told straight up they don't care or show clear signs they don't give a fuck. It just pisses me off so much when another person is so needing of having things go exactly how they want it go even if they have to disregard someone else. Maybe my own view is distorted on myself, but I feel like I do the opposite of this. I'm very easy to stop in my tracks of something if it bothers someone else. I don't like being a source of irritation. Suppose it just further pisses me off when I feel like I shove myself to the side for others whenever a situation pops up where someone complains and I don't get any of that treatment back. [editline]3rd September 2016[/editline] Just so tense these days. Tired, exhausted, easy to piss off, ughhhh. [editline]3rd September 2016[/editline] I just wish life was okay. It can be pretty okay from time to time but its been so long since it was okay. 8-9 months since my last good period. I'm not really sure what I am these days. Am I depressed? Am I stressed? I don't really feel like I am either of those, I'm just tired and done. I don't feel like I'm stressing or worrying that much, all I feel is nothing and exhaustion. At the same time, maybe I am worrying a lot. Perhaps I'm worrying all the time, maybe it has become my new normal? I definitely have some thoughts that worry me but I've never regarded them as worrying. Should I go back to school? Should I find a job so I can have an easier time moving out? Should I just stay at home while going back to school? Could I live off of welfare and live by myself, would it be enough? One things for sure, I have to move out ASAP. I can't take living with this family anymore. [editline]3rd September 2016[/editline] Maybe I am very stressed. I don't feel like I ever get to relax.

[QUOTE=Sir Whoopsalot;50994371]That train of thought doesn't really work when you live with, say, brothers who do have relationships, either romantic or otherwise. It takes a stronger man than me to not get miserable when one brother's at his work and the other has his girlfriend over for the weekend and I'm just here in my room, weekend after fucking weekend.[/QUOTE] But why do you place so much importance on a relationship? what do you want it to bring you? You are placing relationships on a pedestal they don't actually deserve. You can't be happy together until you're happy alone, and pursuing relationships because you "need" one will [I]not[/I] fix things and usually leads to unhealthy or exploitative relationships. Trust me, you don't want that. Stop placing so much importance on a relationship. They're an extra layer of satisfaction to life, but the honeymoon phase is real (for one thing) and the longer term feelings generated by a healthy relationship are not ones as simple as happiness or love.

[QUOTE=paindoc;50995533]But why do you place so much importance on a relationship? what do you want it to bring you? You are placing relationships on a pedestal they don't actually deserve. You can't be happy together until you're happy alone, and pursuing relationships because you "need" one will [I]not[/I] fix things and usually leads to unhealthy or exploitative relationships. Trust me, you don't want that. Stop placing so much importance on a relationship. They're an extra layer of satisfaction to life, but the honeymoon phase is real (for one thing) and the longer term feelings generated by a healthy relationship are not ones as simple as happiness or love.[/QUOTE] This. I never really had a huge importance of relationships in my life, i've had my fair share but i've never once sat there depressed that im not in one because to me that shouldnt and isnt important. Making myself a better human and MYSELF happy is important.

[QUOTE=paindoc;50995533]But why do you place so much importance on a relationship? what do you want it to bring you?[/QUOTE] This isn't just about me wanting a relationship. This is about me being tired of having dick-all money to spend because I have horrible luck with work. This is about me having to watch all the people I know leave me behind while they move on with their lives and I'm left in the dust, no clue what to do now. This is about me living in a household with two siblings who aren't basically confined to their rooms every fucking weekend because they at least have some modicum of freedom. This is about me having to put up with crushing loneliness and struggling. Don't give me that bullshit about not being happy together until you're happy alone because I've tried and I'm not. You ask me what I want a relationship, romantic, platonic, what-fucking-ever to bring me? Happiness. Something I haven't actually felt in ages because every fucking day I have to watch everyone around me do what they want while I'm confined to my room, highlights of things getting better being driven into the ground.

catch 22 ennit cos you ain't gonna get a fly girl in the state you're in

Been a rough day so far. Pretty beat up by this feeling of being disconnected at the moment. Just so sad to think about, how I haven't felt connected / present / sober in years. Always this feeling that it's all just a dream. Watching another persons life through a blurry TV screen. Would be fantastic if I could re-connect with reality proper. [editline]4th September 2016[/editline] It's just so weird getting that realization "huh, I'm actually speaking with a real person and said real person with their own life is actually speaking to me". I don't know what that means, could be a moment of "clarity" where I kinda land on my feet but I dunno. More like a reality check maybe. Everything just feels so unreal so the moments where I think "this actually happened" is such a weird thing to experience.

I cut myself today after a year and a half of being clean. It's getting bad again.

[video=youtube;eqhUHyVpAwE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqhUHyVpAwE[/video]

[QUOTE=Sir Whoopsalot;50996074] This is about me being tired of having dick-all money to spend [b]because I have horrible luck with work.[/b] [/quote] With this mindset, you'll never have dick-all money to spend. [quote]This is about me having to put up with crushing loneliness and struggling. Don't give me that bullshit about not being happy together until you're happy alone because I've tried and I'm not. You ask me what I want a relationship, romantic, platonic, what-fucking-ever to bring me? Happiness. Something I haven't actually felt in ages because every fucking day I have to watch everyone around me do what they want while I'm confined to my room, highlights of things getting better being driven into the ground.[/QUOTE] I don't know about your situation, and I admit I'm sometimes prone to a similar mindset, you're not going to get what you're looking for if you need a relationship to be happy. One of the problems it carries is that you won't be able to find a relationship in the first place. People can usually identify neediness, and it comes across as unattractive. Even if you manage to break through that and get into a relationship, from what my friends have told me about their previous relationships, their worst, "crazy ex" ones have been the one where their SO depended on them to be happy. Dependencies like that just build up over time and eventually blow up, leaving everyone unhappy. Just in general, you want to approach problems like these with a mindset of "How can I fix this given my circumstances?" more than diverting the blame to something that's out of your control. Even if the cause of the problem is out of your control, there's always something you can do to salvage the situation. Everyone I know who is successful and happy with themselves has that trait, and I've seen people in the same situations get wildly different outcomes because of where they put the blame.

i'm having one of those "Where is my Shotgun, I can't take this anymore" days as of now....

Been feeling more depressed than usual since I thought I had my colitis under wraps until it went into a full blown flare up. Fatigue is killing me too. So I've been going to bed earlier and drawing to keep my mind off the pain. I wish I had a tablet but I'm stuck using pen and paper since I don't want to spend my money unnecessarily while saving for my procedure. I'd love to upload my drawings somewhere too but I still don't think they're good enough, then again I've always been incredibly self-critical of my work, plus most of it is just anthro rabbits, which I'm not exactly proud of. I'm not even a furry, it's just incredibly relaxing to draw anthros since you can exaggerate features and be more loose with your drawings. But naturally I'll get labeled one anyway. I really hope my health clears up soon though. What a roller-coaster of a month.

[QUOTE=Zombie Dude;50979529]In my 23 years of being alive, I've never experienced anything resembling love. I've never held hands with someone, hugged someone or kissed someone. I've never even heard someone say that they like me. I'm just an ugly piece of shit whose destined to be alone forever.[/QUOTE] I used to think like you, that I would never find love. But ended up doing it and trust me the more you wait the more enjoyable it will be.

[QUOTE=Seibitsu;51014383]I used to think like you, that I would never find love. But ended up doing it and trust me the more you wait the more enjoyable it will be.[/QUOTE] I just wish I didn't find love now, because I did a full tumble in terms of when we talked, ended up making her feel like shit and she is doubting our relation now. And it just pains me so much, because I feel that I hurt her, while I just tried to make her... Happy, and not angry at people... I told her I was scared, for her rage. But that's not a lie. I was afraid she would be crushed because she was really upset about someone else that she was close with... And I was scared, she would leave me for that reason... Because of she being fed up by people... I fucking hate myself, I wish I could just die. I had someone that cared about me. And she still does... I just feel like I'm pressing a needle in my arm everytime I try talk to her, because I am such a fucking cunt

[QUOTE=DepDirkson;50996891]I cut myself today after a year and a half of being clean. It's getting bad again.[/QUOTE] That's awful. Tried getting help? I've almost gotten back to it during the finals, but I somehow got better and I'm somewhat self-harm free for like a month now. [editline]7th September 2016[/editline] And I forgot to take my adhd medicine for 3 days in a row. Just lovely...

Heh, Someone told them I could vent to them, and it ended up bringing up their feelings... Why do I keep talking to people, stuff like this happens every fucking time. I wish I could just disappear, because I can't bring myself to making people sad, that I just wanna fucking blast of the face of the earth.